07x15 - The Team Player

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

Hi.

Guess what.

Since I've been
assistant director of tourism,

off-season travel to Nantucket
is up 15%.

Hey.
Really?

So that would make, what,
nine tourists?

It's up, okay?

And you know why?

I simply asked myself
the question,

"Why isn't there
more tourism in winter?"

Because it's colder than Pluto,

and the biggest winter sports
are drinking and su1c1de?

Where you see minuses,
I see pluses.

As a matter of fact, I have
a group coming in any minute now

that's very excited
about wintering in Nantucket.

Uh...who is the "I.S.M."?

It's the international
Society of Masochists.

Oh.

There's no such thing

as the International Society
of Masochists.

Really? Tell them.

You must be Ms. Davenport.

You sure didn't lie
over the phone.

It's freezing here.

I'm incredibly uncomfortable.

Thanks.

We aim to please--
oh, and by the way,

your reservations
at the Boar's Head Inn

are all set up.

And they have really hard beds?

What beds? I had
them taken out.

You'll be sleeping
on cold cement floors.

Oh, that sounds horrible.

You're a doll.

Joe, are you busy tonight?

Yeah. Helen and I are going
to heat up a casserole

and then do the bills.

Oh! Boy, you married guys really
lead the life, I tell you.

All I got are these.

Bruins-Rangers, center ice?

You can't get these.
No one can get these.

How did you get these?

A masochistic guy got them.

He really wanted to go, too,
so he gave them to me.

This is the biggest game
of the season!

When do we leave?

Right now. We'll take
my Boston flight.

Great. Let's go.

Wait. Wait. Oh, damn.
We can't both go.

Fay's out of town.

Someone's got
to watch Sandpiper.

Man, I was really
looking forward to
the both of us going.

Life is not fair.

Hey, Roy, you want to go
see the Bruins tonight?

Not the Bruins game.

They win tonight,
they'll b*at their own record

for most consecutive
victories.

Nobody can get these.
How did you get these?

You're not getting them.
Let go! They're mine!

Hey, hey!

What's going on?

We want to go to Boston,
but there's no one's here

to man Sandpiper.
Oh! Let me,
let me!

You don't know how long
I've been waiting

to hear those words.

You got it.

(screaming)

Let's go!

Wait! Wait!

What does he know
about running a counter?

Oh, well, I've watched
Fay do it for years.

I've even
practiced at home.

Hey, it's winter on
Nantucket, you know?

You learn to make
your own good time.

You two guys go. Shoo.

No, no! Oh...

Nice going,
Scarpacci.

Because of you,

now I'm going to have
to watch this game

at the sports bar...
with Mom.

I just hope she
doesn't start a brawl

when they cut her off
after six boilermakers.

(typing)

Don't be nervous,
don't be nervous.

You've done this
a thousand times at home.

ANTONIO:
Testing, testing.

Sandpiper announces
the final boarding call

for Flight 19 to Boston.

It just doesn't get
any better than this.

Excuse me, I'm going
to Boston to see
my grandchildren

but I only have
a standby ticket.

Is there any chance
I'll get on?

Ah, well, Sandpiper
policy states

that standby passengers
get to board

five minutes before the flight

and lucky you,
young lady...

Oh...

There's one empty seat,

and the plane
is about to take off.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you.

Wow, what a rush.

Hi there, Mr. Lutz.

How you enjoying
the island?

It's a dreary,
depressing wasteland.

I'm looking into a time-share.

So what do you recommend?

Well... the tuna
fish looks iffy.

Although I've had
a lot of complaints

about the turkey loaf.

I think you'll be unhappy
either way you go.

Here you go, pal.

I'm on the 12:00
To Boston.

I'm terribly sorry,
but it's all full up.

Uh, I don't think so.

I got a ticket.

Yes. Well, you see,
Sandpiper policy clearly states

that standby passengers

get to board five minutes
before the flight,

so I had to give
your seat away.

Well, un-give it away, ace.

I'm Danny Connelly.

Tardy Danny Connelly.

"Dead end" Connelly?

Goalie for the Bruins?

I'm not much
of a basketball fan.

It's hockey, you moron,
and I got a big game today.

I don't have time for this.

Now, tell the standby idiot

to get their fat ass
off the plane...

or I'm going to punch
your lights out.

Uh, I wouldn't do that, sir.

Or what?

I'll fall and bleed

and probably cry like a child,

but you still won't
get on that plane.

Oh, yeah? Just watch me.

(airplane taking off)

Was that...?

Uh, right on time.

Get me on the next
flight to Boston, now.

Okay. Checking,
checking...

Okay, that would be Aeromass,
9:00 tomorrow morning.

Would that be a window
or an aisle seat?

I want to know your name.

Oh, it's Antonio Scarpacci.

Well, Scarpacci, let me
tell you something.

You better pray
I make it to that game,

or you're going to wish
you were never born!

I couldn't help but notice
how mean and abusive

that customer was to you.

Well, it comes with the job.

Really? Are they hiring?

What a way
for the Bruins

to blow their
winning streak.

I know. Ten to nothing.

It was totally
humiliating.

Man, can you believe that game?

What happened
to your hand?

Oh... when the Rangers

scored those three goals
in the first minute,

Mom started to bite.

They'll know in 48 hours
if I'm out of danger.

I cannot believe Dead End
Connelly just didn't show up.

The guy's an iron man.

I don't think he's
ever missed a game.

Dead End has never
let his fans down like that.

Something must have happened.

You're right-- it
had to be somebody
else's fault.

I'd love to get my hand
on the guy whose fault it is.

Hi there!

Boy, did I have
a great time.

I can't believe Fay actually
accepts a paycheck for this.

Well, we're glad you had fun.

Well, it wasn't
all blue skies, you know?

There was this real
obnoxious guy

tried to force his way
on the plane

after I gave his seat
to a standby passenger.

Of course,
I told him no.

Yeah, well,
that's policy.

Exactly! Then he
tried telling me

he was some big-sh*t
hockey player...

Uh... Antonio,
who was this man?

Oh, who remembers?

Some silly name like
Dead Guy... Dead Boy...

Dead End Connelly?

That's it.
(groans)

ROY:
Quick, guys,
turn on channel 4.

Connelly is holding
a press conference.

He better have
a damn good reason

why he missed that game.

All I can say is I showed up
for my flight on time,

and some nasty little
airline clerk on Nantucket

bumped me
for a standby passenger.

Please don't mention us.
Please don't mention us.

So, Boston, if you want to know
why our winning streak's over,

ask Antonio Scarpacci
at Sandpiper Air.

Well... you live,
you learn, you know.

That's what first days
are all about.

CROWD (chanting outside):
Boycott Sandpiper!

Sandpiper sucks!

Hello, 911?

Yes, it's Hackett
at the airport again.

Now, this is the third time
I've called.

Why aren't you here?

Th-There is an angry mob
outside.

Listen,
I know you're a Bruins fan.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Brian. Brian, help me!

These people are animals.

Oh, all right. All right.

(chanting continues)
You stop that.

Brian, help me.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay.

Get off! Get back! You animals!

Okay, all right,
I've got a plan.

I've got a plan.
I've got a plan.

We'll slip out the back
and we won't stop
till we reach Mexico.

There... there, we can
make a new life.

HELEN:
Get out of the way!
Let me through.

I'll take a piece out of them,
and you can have what's left.

Hi, baby.

Boy, there's
quite a turnout.

I bet half the island's
out there.

Helen, Helen,
did you bring it?

Oh, yeah.

That's it? That's all
the food you brought?

That's all that's left.

There's an angry mob out there,
and you know what they say:

An angry mob is a hungry mob.

I'm cleaning up.

Bye, I love you.
Bye.

Yeah, try walking
now, flyboys!

Nothing like the support
of a good woman.

(phone rings)

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, yeah?

Jerks?!

Morons?!

Y... you're going to what?

Well, I'd like to see
you try it!

That was Fay.

Hello! Excuse me!

Ma'am, this is a
private office.

You'll have
to leave now.

Really? Where the hell
am I supposed to go?

Antonio, what's
with this outfit?

Whole freaking island's
after me.

A big flaming hockey puck

came crashing through
my window last night.

I had to... I had to dress
in the dark.

Obviously.

There's no need
to say hurtful things.

Geez.

I, uh...

I do you guys one lousy favor,

and my whole world
comes crashing down.

Yeah, well, if you had let
Connelly on the plane,

none of this this
would have happened.

But at Sandpiper,
our policy clearly...

Hold on. Our policy?

You know, in case I forgot
to mention it,

you are so fired!

For just doing my job?

Do you have any idea

what that's going to do
to company morale?

Wait a second.

Joe, I think I
have a plan.

I think I know how
we can make this whole
thing go away.

Really? How?

We give them the cabbie.

It's what they want.

Mm, may I...

may I say
something here?

Yeah. We'll give them
the cabbie.

Why should we
take the fall?

I can see things are
taking an ugly turn here.

Hey, where you
going, toots?

Yeah.
Where you going?

Nowhere.

Oh, my God!
They're getting in.

Hey!
That's all right.

It's all right.

How far can he
get in heels?

Oh, long day.

Yeah, I'm b*at.

Those new pajamas?

Yeah, got them today.

Cute.

Thanks.
Okay, I'm coming to bed.

MAN:
There he is!

(people yelling)

(objects hitting widow)

You going to read?

Yeah, I thought
for a little bit.

Mind if I watch
some TV?

No.

You seen the clicker?

Yeah, it's right
over there.

Okay. Going
for the remote.

Okay.

(people yelling)

(objects hitting window)

(sighs)

How long can we live
our lives like this?

I know it seems bad now,

but, trust me, I think
things are already

starting to blow over.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I just need to take
my mind off it.

(applause over TV)

Folks, did you hear
the good news?

Elvis is alive
and going on a world tour.

Very, very exciting.

The bad news is,
he's on Nantucket,

and Sandpiper Air
won't let him on the plane.

It's awful quiet
out there.

I know.

So what...

what do you think they're up to?

It's hard to say.

I mean, why don't they
just make their move?!

I can't... I can't take it.

I can't take it!

Brian, Brian, no.

I can't take it!
Okay...

Don't cr*ck on me.

That's just what
they want,

the bastards.

(knocking)

(gasps)

Who... who is it?

It's Casey.

If it's really Casey,
knock twice.

(two knocks)

It's her.

Yeah.

Where...
where's the mob?

Well, the chief of
police made them move
to the parking lot.

Well, about time.

Yes, well, now he's looking
the other way

while they slash your tires.

Listen, I've been doing some
thinking about this,

and you may be in a better
position than you think.

What, just because we haven't
gotten a b*mb thr*at

in the last two hours there's no
reason to break out party hats.

No. I'm telling you that the
only bad publicity

is no publicity.

You are the two most
hated men in New England.

You want to take
advantage of that.

You're hopped up
on something,
aren't you?

Now, listen to me.

You have a golden opportunity
to turn this disaster

into a public relations coup.

What in the world
do you know about
public relations?

Hey, because of me, there are
nine masochists

camped out in a cranberry bog

freezing to death and loving
every minute of it.

Okay. Okay, Casey, wait.

Would you wait?
We'll listen.

All right, here's what
you've got to do.

You've got to call
a press conference

and apologize publicly.

That's it?

Well, not exactly.

I mean, you have to do it
with a little showbiz,

a little humor.

You know, America
loves a loser

as long as he can laugh
at himself.

You've got to put
some positive spin on this.

Wait, wait,
a positive spin?
Yeah.

Invite the media
and get Connelly back here,

so you guys can apologize to him
face to face.

Fine. Fine, we'll do
whatever it takes.

Well, there's one more thing.

You need Antonio--
I mean, after all,

he's the one that blew it
with Connelly.

Yeah, but it's going to be
pretty hard finding Antonio.

We haven't seen him
for a while.
Yeah, last time
we saw him,

he said he was going to
take to the high ground

and live off
grubs and beetles.

Well, this isn't going to work

without Antonio showing up
and apologizing.

Well, forget it.

I refuse.

I refuse to make
a public spectacle
out of myself.

I may be a poor,
out-of-work cab driver,

who can't make a living,

but even if I were
a rich man...

I still wouldn't apologize.

Because I didn't do
anything wrong.

First, he was late.

Then he was rude and abusive.

Antonio, please, we're
going under here.

If you don't help us,

we're going to go
out of business.

Oh, my God, what
am I going to do?

On the one hand...

I should help my friends.

But on the other hand,

it goes against everything
I believe in.

I've got to go see my priest.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please be patient,
we'll start in just a moment.

They're almost ready.
They'll be out in a minute.

Oh, and this is Joe Hackett's
wife, Helen.

Maybe she'll say
a few words.

Casey, I'm really not
comfortable doing this.

Oh, come on, it'll
really help the guys.

Just do it like
we rehearsed.

Hello.

My name is Helen Hackett,

and I run the lunch counter
over there.

So if anyone's hungry,

I just want
to tell you

that for today's special
we're serving crow.

(all laughing)

Helen.
Helen?

Fire away, baby.

How has this incident
affected your personal life?

Oh, actually, not at all.

I kind of like making love
in riot gear.

I'll go get
Joe and Brian.

Don't hurry.

Guys, are you ready?

Yeah, almost, almost.

All right, Antonio,
just like we rehearsed.
Okay.

Danny, I'm so sorry.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Aren't we
forgetting
something?

Danny, I'm so sorry.

I was...

No, no, no.

I just can't
go through with this.
Okay, okay, okay.

Just do the somersault
followed by the apology.

And remember, when Dead End
says "I forgive you,"

you look straight
into the camera

and sob uncontrollably.

No, look, all these things
you want me to say and do

I really shouldn't have to.

You weren't there.

It was his fault.

He was late,
and he was abusive.

Antonio, none
of that matters.

Well, it matters to me.

I did nothing wrong.

Don't make me do this.

But we're going to lose
our business. Please.

Guys, we've got
to get out there.

I mean, I left poor Helen alone.

I got to go rescue her.

REPORTER (laughing):
Helen.

Helen, over here.

Okay, okay. First Greg
and then Diane.

Helen, if you had one thing
to say to Bruins fans,

what would it be?

I am glad you
asked that, honey.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Let's get
to the important issue here.

Isn't it true that Aeromass

flies nonstop
to Boston six times a day?

Look, it's Danny.

Hiya, boys.
(reporters saying greetings)

Thanks for turning out.

Greg, Diane, good to see you.

Danny, Danny, the people
have a right to know.

Have you ever been
bumped by Aeromass?

Hey, hey, there's Dead End.

Wow, look at him.

Yeah. Looks even bigger
in person.

Dead End,
I'd like you to meet

the owners
of Sandpiper Airlines.

Nice to meet you.

He likes us.

He's really cool.

REPORTER:
Question.

Where's Antonio?

Uh... Joe, Brian, why don't
you tell everyone

why we've called
this press conference.

(softly):
Just stick to the script.
You'll be fine.

We'd just like to say

that we were pucks.

Please, give us
another sh*t.

Is this thing on?

Oh, look.

Here's my
little friend now.

Hiya, Danny.

Just wanted to say
I'm sorry.

I got to agree
with you there, pal.

You're sorry,
all right.

(laughter)

Hey, Danny. Danny, will you ever
fly Sandpiper Air again?

Well, that depends on
my good friend here,

Antonio Sockpuppet.

(chuckles)
Sockpuppet.
That's a good one.

Actually, that would
be Scarpacci.

Whatever.

Isn't there something
you have to say to me?

Right. Uh... the puck
stops here.

My goalie is to get out
of the penalty box with you.

Well, we'll see about
that, Scarpukey.

(laughs)

This guy's a major
butt boil, isn't he?

Major.

Danny, it is my honor
and privilege

to present you with
the Royal Sandpiper ticket

which is good for
lifetime travel
anywhere we fly.

Dead End, let's get a
picture of the two
of you together.

Yeah, sure.

Me and my pal Antwerpio.

See, in the real world,
a nobody like you

doesn't mess with
a guy like me.

Okay. A free ticket
anywhere Sandpiper flies.

Where should I go first?

Well, let's see...

how about straight to hell,
you arrogant piece of dirt.

Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

We're kicking your
sorry ass out of here!

Hey, nobody kicks
my sorry ass anywhere!

You two idiots

just put yourselves
out of business.

(reporters clamoring)

Thank you.

If it's, uh...

if it's any consolation,

I've never felt closer
to you guys.

Okay, one bacon and eggs,

pork sausage for Brian

and ham and cheese
for Antonio.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Apparently, we're a little fuzzy
on what going underground means.

(Roy laughing)

Oh, good disguise.

Oh, you blend right in.

By the way, guys,
in case you're interested

the news is on.

They're doing a piece
on Connelly.

Once again,
the big story in sports

is Danny "Dead End" Connelly.

In a stunning development,
Connelly has left the Bruins

and signed a contract
with their archrivals,

the New York Rangers.

Needless to say, Connelly
is no longer the most popular

sports figure in Beantown.

(people shouting)

And you were worried?

ROY:
Then on Friday nights,
I pop in a TV dinner.

My favorite
is the salisbury steak.

(chuckles)

Mind you, I don't always have
salisbury steak.

Sometimes I have
the yankee pot roast.

Uh-huh.

The dessert with that one
is a cherry cobbler.

I actually prefer
the apple brown Betty.

Uh-huh.

I'm not boring you, am I?

Yes, it's t*rture.

Please go on.