07x16 - Love at First Flight

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey. Scarpacci.

Um, I just ran into
an old girlfriend of yours.

Really? Who?

Edna.

The big face girl?
Yeah.

That's odd.

She never goes out before dusk.

Well, as coincidence
would have it,

we both go
to the same dentist.

She had the four appointments
before me.
Oh.

Oh, right. Right.

Her routine cleaning.

Anyway, we-we got to talking,
and we hit it off, and, uh,

I'm thinking
about asking her out.

You're kidding.

Most people ask her
to go back in.

Fine, fine.
Make your jokes. Fine.

All I know is,
it's Valentine's Day,

and I'm going to be going out

with an intelligent
and charming woman.

What are you
going to be doing, huh?

Don't worry about me.

I got big Valentine's Day plans.

Hey, Antonio.

Lexington's can take us
for dinner at 7:00. Ah.

I know it's Valentine's Day
and all,

but don't think you need
to get me any flowers.

( goofy chuckle )

Come on, Joe.

Tell me what you have
planned for tonight.

No, no, it's a surprise.

Oh, I bet I know what it is.

Let's see, your first
Valentine's Day

as a married couple.

You're going to fly her
back to Jamaica

where you had
your honeymoon

and toast
your eternal love.

Uh, Fay...

And in her champagne flute,
she'll find a diamond bracelet.

Oh, Joe, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

Well, naturally, no one can
white-knuckle a buck like you.

I'm sure whatever you
have planned will be...

Cheap.

Hey, I am not cheap!

You think it's cheap
to fly my wife to New York

take her to a Broadway show,
treat her to a wonderful dinner

and then spend a romantic night
in a beautiful hotel?

I saw that deal
in the paper.

Valentine's Value Pack.

Soup to nuts, you're out
for under a hundred bucks.

Well, I think
it sounds wonderful.

So, when we go
out to dinner,

do I get to order
from a menu

or do we walk down a line
and dump stuff onto a tray?

Hey, it's one meal
out of your life.

Look, honey, the important
thing is, we will be together.

I mean, isn't that what
Valentine's Day is all about?

Oh! Please.

I'll tell you
what Valentine's Day

is all about,
my friends.

Valentine's Day
is a bogus holiday

manufactured by florists
and greeting card companies.

Oh, I know what's
going on here.

Brian doesn't have a date!

Brian doesn't have a date!

That's not the point!

I just think
it's a stupid, stupid holiday.

What about Cupid?

Cupid! What's going
on there, right?

He's a, a little,
hormonal flying baby.

sh**t you with an arrow,
and you fall instantly in love.

Right. That really happens.

You know what I'm talking
about, right?

Yeah. Of course I do.

Brian doesn't have a date!

Brian doesn't
have a date!

All right, I don't,
I don't have a date.

You're right, I don't,
but even if I did,

I still think
it's the stupidest
holiday on earth.

I mean, only an idiot thinks

he's got to do something
special for Valentine's Day.

Hey. What's going on with
those dinner reservations?

Am I in or not?
Back off, man!

I told you , they only
have a table for two.

Besides, Antonio and I
made these plans weeks ago.

Quit trying to horn in.

Oh, Brian,
when you get to Logan,

you're going to load
a Nebuchadnezzar of
Veuve Clicquot.

Boy, you just said
an entire sentence to me.

I understood not a word.
Oh.

Well, a nebuchadnezzar

is an enormous
bottle of wine.

And every Valentine's Day
for the last 53 years,

the New England
oenophiles...

Oenophiles?

Those people got
their own club now?!

They're wine lovers,
you ignoramus!

And this year,

your assistant director of
tourism has convinced them

to have their annual
Valentine's dinner
on Nantucket.

Do you understand
what that means?!

Yeah, yeah.

You want me to schlep
a Nebucahoozie

of Jacques Cousteau.

I got ears!

Attention, Sandpiper passengers.

We are now boarding
flight number eight to Boston,

or as we call it today
the love plane.

All right, all right.

Break it up,
break it up!

What the hell is this,
Noah's Ark?

JOE ( over radio ):
Nevada 1-2-1 Papa-Papa.

Brian, it's Joe.

What's your E.T.A.?

I'll let you know
as soon as I take off, Joe.

You're still in Boston?

Yeah. I'm just waiting
for a passenger--

M. Williams, but he's late.

However, the Nebuchadnezzar's
right on time.

JOE:
All right, look, Brian,

you got Casey's wine.

I say you blow off
this passenger, you get home.

If Helen and I are not
in the hotel lobby by 7:00,

we miss our complimentary
cupid cocktail.

I'm on my way, dream weaver.

WOMAN:
wait! Wait!

Uh, excuse me,
would you mind

giving me a hand
with these bags?

Oh, gee,
I'm sorry.

I'm a little busy
preparing for takeoff.

Thanks to you,
I'm ten minutes late.

Oh, well, I'm terribly sorry,
and apparently,

I've kept all the other
passengers waiting, too.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

All right, look, lady,
why don't you just

sit down and...

Oh, um.

Sorry, I didn't...
Oh, uh...
uh, no.

Me neither. Me neither.

Hi, I'm Brian.

I'm Melissa.

Hi.
Hi.

Um, well, you know,
I'll just...

Yeah, yeah, I'll...
Also, I should, uh...

Fly the plane, yeah.

Yes, that... that...
fly the plane.
Yeah.

I know exactly
what you mean.

Well, I have to tell you.

That disturbed me
deeply as a child.

Pluto was Goofy's
dog, right?

But Goofy was a dog.

How does a dog have a dog?

When the door
to that trailer opened,

and I looked into her face,

I mean, even with a blond wig
and the tattoos ( sniffles ),

I knew that I had found
my birth mother.

She was so touched

that the next day
she went out

and had my name
tattooed on her arm.
( sniffles )

I didn't have the heart
to tell her

there are two S's in Melissa.

MELISSA:
I don't know about this, Brian.
I mean, I'm really nervous.

Oh, no, relax.

It's just like
riding a bike,

except if you turn
the wheel wrong,

you don't skin your knee,

you plummet 10,000 feet
to a fiery death.

Now...

I voted for Dukakis.

I worked for Dukakis.

I love Olympia Dukakis.

I love saying Dukakis!

Oh, I just have
one question.

What are you doing
the rest of your life?

Well...

No, you're right,
you're right.

It's too fast, too fast.

We should slow down
and take it slow.

Why don't we just
move in together, huh?

Brian...

You're right.
You're right.

I'll tell you what,
we'll just discuss it
over dinner tonight.

Tonight? No.

I can't tonight.

Why not?

I'm getting married.

You're getting married?

Tonight?

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it just...
it never came up.

Well, you've changed.

We never used to have secrets.

What am I going to do?

I mean, I've got 200 guests
down there waiting for me,

not to mention a 12-piece band
and a hundred pounds of shrimp.

You're getting married tonight?

You're getting cold feet,
that's all.

It's perfectly normal.

So why don't we just forget
what we had up here.

Go on with our lives.

This never happened.

No.

It is happening.

Okay, it's your call.

( hearty chuckle )

That's right, Edna.

Yeah... oh, no, no, no.
The reservations are all set.

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

Uh-huh. What was that?
You...

( guffawing )

Oh!

( wheezing laugh )
Oh, stop.

( laughing harder )

Oh, stop!

( stifling laughter )

Oh, what a sense of
humor on that woman.

Edna?

I don't understand why somebody
hasn't grabbed her right up.

Well, it's not that simple.

It would involve a complicated
system of levers and pulleys...

So, where are you two...

going tonight?

Well, I'm actually
going to take her out

to a very elegant
French dinner.

And then, uh,

then you're just going to
drop her off at her place.

No. No, actually, then
we're going to go out

for a little dancing.

And so...

then you're just going to take
her right back to her place.

Look, Scarpacci, you're taking
an awfully big interest in this.

If you don't want me
to go out with Edna,
go ahead-- say so.

What? Why wouldn't I want you
to go out with her?

Please, go. Have a good time.

Oh, uh, just a little tip.

Sometimes during dinner,
she gets up to fix her face,

so bring a book.

And some needlepoint.

And your taxes.

Oh, Joe,
the tower just called.

Brian is circling
the airfield.

He says he's not
going to land.

What?

Brian, it's me. Come in.

Yeah, Joe?

What's happening?

How come you're not landing?

BRIAN:
I've been sh*t, Joe.

What?!

Cupid, Joe!

Cupid's arrow sh*t
right into my heart.

It's true, Joey.

It really does happen.

I'm in love.

What's going on, Brian?

Did you get into
that Nebuchadnezzar?

Joey, I want you to meet
somebody very special to me.

Say hello
to my brother, Joey.

Hi, Joe, I'm Melissa.

Hi, Melissa,
very nice to meet you.

JOE:
Could you put the idiot back on?

Isn't she great, Joey?

Yeah, yeah, she's great.

Look, Brian, why don't you
land the plane

and take her out to dinner
down here?

I'd say it's on me, but this
Valentine's Value Pack's

got me really tapped out.

Well, there's a
little problem, Joey.

She's supposed to marry
this other guy tonight,

and so, um,
she just needs

a little time
to think it out.

Wait. What kind of
person is this?

She's supposed
to get married tonight,

and she's up there
fooling around with you?

Don't you judge her, man!

You just met her.

You don't know
her like I do.

Okay, you listen to me,
you maniac.

I don't care
what is going on up there.

You land that plane right now,

or, I swear, I will
blow you out of the sky.

( door opens )

Helen, you are not
going to believe this.

Oh, listen to this--
this is David,

and he's getting married today

on Valentine's Day.
Isn't that romantic?

Yeah, yeah.
Look, that's great,
but Brian's...

Brian's flying his fiancée,
Melissa, in right now.

Oh, so,
you're the schmu...

Schmugradulations.

What?

It's an old
Nantucket saying.

It means, um...
"Best wishes on
your wedding day."

Anyway, I was
just telling David

that we just got married

and how wonderful
it is to be newlyweds.

Yeah, well, marriage
is not for everybody.

I would think long and hard
before rushing into that.

Well, we're not exactly
rushing into it.

Melissa and I have been together
for ten years.

Aw...
Ten years?

You have already known her
for ten years?

That's got to be stale.

Joe, what are you saying?

We've known each other
longer than that.

Exactly. Love fades.

Why are you
saying that, Joe?

Is there something
that you have to tell me?

Yes, there is, Helen.
As a matter of fact,

can I speak with you
in the kitchen?

( gasps ) You have
to tell me something

on Valentine's Day?

Come on, Helen.

Oh, Joe, please!

Whatever it is, I'll change!

So, David...

David, David,
David, David.

Well, before I offer you
my...

schmugradulations...

Um, we need to talk.

About what?

Marriage, my friend.

Dull, dull marriage.

I mean, who needs it?

Waking up to the same old
grizzly mug day after day.

Yeah, that's right.
It ain't pretty.

No.

And this is
my sister Casey divorced.

Didn't last, down the drain.

Another miserable
statistic.

Hi, there.

What the hell is wrong
with you people?

( scoffs )
We're married.

CASEY: Listen,
where's Brian?

I've got to deliver
that Nebuchadnezzar.

Brian, um...
hasn't landed yet.

Hasn't landed yet? I mean,

he was supposed to be here,
like, 20 minutes ago.

Is something wrong?

Casey, you're my sister.

If there was something wrong,
wouldn't I tell you?

It's the plane, isn't it?

Oh, God!
The plane is going down!

Oh, God! My wine!

Wait a minute.
Is that what this is all about?

Is-is there something
wrong with the plane?

Is Melissa in trouble?

Look, my brother is
an excellent pilot.

If there is any trouble,
I am sure he's on top of it.

So what do we do now?

I don't know.

Listen, you know, I don't
want to pressure you

into making
a hasty decision

that could affect you
the rest of your life.

( beeping )

Which should last about
five more minutes

because we're
running out of fuel.

Oh, okay, okay,
I've made my decision.

You have?
That quick?

Oh, God, well, that's not
very good for me, is it?

Oh, man, what was I thinking?

Valentine's Day,
love at first sight, Cupid...

I'm not getting married.

I love that
flying fat-assed baby.

Any word on the plane?

Oh, everything's fine.

They're on their
final approach.

Why don't you have a seat?

I'll let you know
when they've landed.

Fay... have you...
have you seen Roy?

He's in his office

getting all dolled up
for his date tonight.

I haven't seen him this excited

since the Nancy Sinatra
issue of Playboy.

And to think--

all this fuss
over the big-face girl.

Yeah, well,
you know, actually,

she does have
very delicate features--

that cute little button nose,
the lovely blue eyes

and the pouty,
pouty lips

and that sweet, sweet smile
that goes from ear...

to ear.

Antonio, are you
sure you're okay

about Roy going out
with Edna?

Oh, please, I'm fine.

I mean, we had
some good times--

some, some, some
really good times--

but, hey, things change.

Well, good for you.

That's a very
healthy attitude.

( whistling )

Bastard! I'll k*ll you!

You stay away
from my woman.

Hey, Scarpacci, you said
you were okay with this.

I'm not okay.

I need her. I want her.

Well, so do I.

I must have her.

Nothing will stop me.

There's only one way
to settle this.

You take her.

Hey, if it's a fight
you want...

Huh?

Well, if she means
that much to you,

I'll step aside.

The last thing I want

is for Edna to come
between us, Scarpacci.

I'll call her and
I'll tell her

(sighs)
I'm out of the picture.

Oh, thank you, Roy.
Thank you.

I got my moon-faced
mama back.

Roy, that was
a real nice thing you did.

Yeah... I know.

So, how much did Edna pay you
to sucker him back in?

Fay, this is
Valentine's Day.

Give me a little credit.

A hundred bucks?

250 down, 250
on delivery.

Helen, come on, let's go.

Brian just landed.

If we hurry, we can be
in Newark by 6:30.

Newark? I thought we
were going to New York.

Well, yeah, the show
is in New York,

but the airport motor lodge
is in Newark.

Motor lodge?

Don't worry.
There's a free shuttle bus.

We'll be in the city
in, like, an hour.

Joe, Helen,

I'd like you
to meet Melissa,

the woman
who stole my heart.

Schmucongratulations.
Schmucongratulations.

Stay close.
I need your support.

Don't worry.

I won't leave your side.

Melissa.

David.

Nebuchadnezzar!

We need to talk.

Yes, we do.

This is gonna sound crazy,

but when your plane was late,

and they didn't tell me
what was going on,

I thought
I might lose you.

Oh, there's nothing crazy
about that.

All I could think about
is what would happen

if the plane crashed.

Oh, David,
I... I really...

For a horrible second,

I had this vision
of my life without you, and...

I kept thinking how I'd miss
the way your eyebrows wrinkle

when you're worried--

the way you can never
find one slipper.

Even the way you always leave

the countertop wet
in the bathroom--

everything about you.

And suddenly,
my life was nothing.

Oh, David...

May I say
something here?

No.

Melissa,
I know we promised

we'd stay
two strong individuals,

but that's a lie.
I can't do it.

You're my world.

I can't live without you.

Oh, David!

Uh...

cough.

Cough.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, uh, David, uh,
this is, uh...

Brian,

the pilot.

The pilot?

Brian, the pilot?

Uh, Miss Williams, would you
please come into the office?

We have to file a report
on the incident, please.

The incident?

Yeah, we had a little
thing up there.

It was very... turbulent.

Boy, you are good--
letting him down
easy like that.

I mean, obviously, he's
a very sensitive guy,

so I'll tell you what,

we'll just leave a message
on his answering machine,

we'll slip out the back and
go grab some dinner, okay?

Look, Brian...
I've never met

anyone like you before.

I mean,

you're funny and smart
and sexy and charming...

And you're going to marry him,
aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

So, then what was I?

Um, a case of the...

pre-wedding jitters?

No. No, Brian, no.

Look, in the ten years

that David and I
have been together,

you're the only man
who's made me forget him--

I mean, even for
a little while.

Big deal-- an hour
out of your life.

No, it... it was a big deal.

I mean, do you realize
how special you are?

You almost ruined
my entire life.

Really?

Yes!

Because of you, I was this close

to throwing away everything
I know will make me happy.

Are you just saying that?

No, I am not.

There is no one else
in the world

who could have almost
made me do something...

something so-so crazy,
so-so stupid, so utterly
self-destructive--

something that I would have
regretted until my dying day!

Well, thank you.

( knock at door )

Honey, we need
to get to the church.

How much longer
are you going to be?

Are we done?

I've got what I need.

Uh, just one more thing.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You, too.