05x12 - Apartment

[bunniefuu]

And you'll notice the moldings
are in very good shape.

Mm-hm.
All original.

Great, 'cause I'm a huge fan
of moldings. Ah.

Now, the toilet
is a little temperamental.

But it's functional.

I wouldn't have my toilet
be any other way.

Now you will see the, uh,

occasional roach
in the kitchen.

Well, we're all God's children,
huh?

You really want this apartment,
don't you?

Desperately.
I just lost the lease

on the place I'm living in now

and this place
is perfect for me.

Everything does seem to be
in order.

But you do need a reference.

That shouldn't be a problem.
So do I get it?

You're in the running.
But I do have another applicant

that needs to take a look.
Oh. [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
Hi, Miss Miller. How are you?

Lisa?
Dave?

Are you looking
at this apartment?

Yeah. Are you?
Yeah.

Oh, you two are friends?

Not anymore.
Well, we used to be.

[♪]

[♪]

Joe, could I see you for a sec?
What's up?

Correct me if I'm wrong but this
is the official WNYX web page.

Am I correct?

Created with Garrelliware.
Oh, good.

That's where people come
to learn a bit more

about who we are, what we do,
right?

It's all about information.
Good.

I was just checking. 'Cause see,
this web page is crap.

You know what?

I'm guessing you're new
to all this Internet stuff.

For the uninitiated,
a lot of this can be confusing.

How can it be
with only three things?

"Joe Garrelli's College
Basketball Pick of the Week."

I'm 10-6
against the spread.

Some scam where you get
college girls

to e-mail you
their phone numbers.

Presented as a survey,
which is totally legal.

All right.
Then there's a blurry picture

of some guy lying on a rock.

It's not some guy.
It's Bigfoot.

And she's pregnant.

Okay.

Joe, this sucks.

I know we haven't had
a whole lot of hits,

but word of mouth takes a while
to build up.

I've been giving you
extra Webmaster pay

for the past six months.

All right. Please don't cut
the Webmaster pay, okay?

Just give me till the end
of the week

and I'll fix it.
No, till the end of the day.

Then, uh, after that,
I'm just gonna pull the plug.

What the hell is that?

Well, that is the official WNYX
crappy web page.

No, not the web page.

Who's that lying on that rock?

It's Bigfoot.

No, it isn't.
Where'd you get that?

Dude, I'd like to tell you

but that would put the life
of a trusted source in jeopardy.

That's me, isn't it?

On my rock in the park.

Shirtless.

Looks like a pregnant Bigfoot
to me.

Well, maybe it is.

It won't be the first time
I've been used like this.

[SOBS]
Oh.

Thanks for covering, Joe.

No problems.

Keep those pictures coming.

Okay.

Come on. Fair is fair.
I saw it first.

Yeah, you were there, like,
15 minutes before I was.

Yeah. That's how first works.

I saw it first. I win.
I get the apartment, all right?

Dave, I need that apartment.
My apartment is tiny.

Yeah? Well, I'm gonna lose
my apartment.

Yes. My apartment is tiny

and in a crime-ridden
neighborhood.

Really? I used to come over
to your place.

You never mentioned it.

Because I wanted you
to keep coming over.

Uh-huh.
It's a calculated risk.

All right.
Well, I guess ultimately

this comes down to a decision
by the landlady.

Right.
Yeah, well, on paper,

at least, we're pretty much
the same.

I mean, same age.
Same occupation.

Same credit history.
Right.

But I saw it first. I win.

No way. No.
Yes.

Dave, you know what?
There is one thing

that will differentiate
the two of us.

What?
She wants a reference.

So whoever gets the best
reference, gets the apartment.

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

Oh, Matthew,
have you seen Mr. James?

Yeah, he's in your office.
Oh, great.

Can you give me a personal
reference for--?

Sir, I need a--
Shh. I asked him first.

First is first.
Whoa, whoa.

Come on.
Whoa, whoa!

I sense a little hostility

between my two favorite
radio personalities.

No, just a little
friendly rivalry.

Oh, yeah?
You two sleeping together again?

No.
No.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I just assumed

because you were yelling
at each other, so...

No, no, we-- You see, sir,
we both want this--

Actually, one of us deserves.

Yeah. This really excellent
apartment, right?

But we both need a personal
reference from somebody--

I asked him first.
Shut up. Shut up.

Would you shut up?
All right. All right. All right!

You both want my reference?

Well, yes, sir. You're the only

world famous
media mogul we know.

And you'll abide by my judgment?

Yes.
Mm-hm.

No whining, fighting, crying?

And whoever doesn't get my
endorsement will live with that?

Right.
Mm-hm. Okay.

My decision is--

Since there is no possible way
to make a decision

between these two fine
employees, I am asking you,

the staff,
to make the decision for me.

What is this,
an election or something?

No. It's a popularity contest.

I want you guys to talk about it
amongst yourselves

and tell me which one
gets the reference. Thank you.

Well, I think Lisa
should get it.

Well, why?

Well, because, Dave...
What?

You already have a pad.

A pad! Get it?

[LAUGHING]

Very funny joke, Max.

I know flattery
when I smell it.

All right. Well, why don't you
tell us about the apartment?

Okay. It's a pre-w*r
one-bedroom,

has beautiful views,
hardwood floors.

And also, it's by the park
so I can get a dog.

And?

And that's about it.
DAVE: Really?

Interesting that you didn't even
mention the alcove.

Perfect for a big screen TV.

Or that every apartment
in the building gets free cable.

Dave, who would wanna
watch television

when you have
those beautiful bay windows?

They need black-out curtains.
What?

Why on earth do those windows
need black-out curtains?

So the sunlight doesn't reflect
off the big screen TV.

[GASPS]
Dave, you do not deserve this apartment.

I was just thinking
the same of you.

Why don't you two just share
the apartment?

Why would we do that?

Well, you're sleeping together
again,

aren't you?

No.
No.

I just assumed because
you're fighting so much.

That's what I thought.

They fight when they have sex?

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, kinky stuff.

I like it.

Who wants to see
the grand opening

of the new WNYX website?

Who needs the Internet?
I got sex right here.

Okay, so you're staying here?

You bet I am.
Alrighty. Good.

I'm coming.
Count me in.

All right, Joe.

Where's the, uh,
web page extravaganza?

You're in it.
What?

Ta-da.
What's going on?

The latest breakthrough in WNYX
web page technology.

The 24-hour break room
Internet-cam.

We're on the Internet right now?

Twenty-four hours a day.
Seven days a week.

This will give people
a chance to see

the real inner workings
of a big city newsroom.

Hello, geeks.

Beth, those are our fans.

Oh, you don't really think
they're watching, do you?

Why not?

Don't these live Internet feeds
have, you know,

naked women going to the
bathroom and stuff like that?

Yeah. We do lack
a certain competitive edge.

I could sing.

Yeah, that will really
suck 'em in.

Do you have any suggestions?

Why, you must be sweltering
in that dress.

Okay. Before I decide
who deserves the apartment,

you're gonna have to answer
a few questions.

What kind of questions?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Question one.

If I was walking around
in the desert,

really, really thirsty,

would you give me a drink?

What?

Just answer the question.

Well, yes,
I would give you a drink.

Lisa.
From my own canteen.

Round one to Lisa.

Oh, come on. Look, this--
This is dumb.

Another point to Lisa.

Matthew, come on.

You don't want that apartment,
do you?

All right. All right.
I'll shut up.

Question two. If I was sick,

what would you give me?

Tea.
Cocoa.

Are those your answers?

I'm switching to soup.
Stickin' with cocoa.

Soup. Good call, David.
Ah.

Okay. Let's see.
Question three.

Who is your favorite member
of the Brat Pack?

Emilio Estevez.

Ally Sheedy.

Mm. Sorry. No points awarded.

The correct answer
is Judge Reinhold.

Judge Reinhold.
LISA: Matthew.

Judge Reinhold is not
a member of the Brat Pack.

That's gonna cost you a point,
Lisa.

Okay. Lightning round.

If my name weren't Matthew,
what would you name me?

Craig.
Kent.

If I was a girl?

Megan.
Suzanne.

From another country?
Helga. Maria.

From another planet.

Gorbleena.
Matthew.

Correct, David.

What is the final score?
Yeah.

Oh, I'm afraid we have
a dead heat here.

What?
Don't worry.

I'll just come up with
some more, uh, questions

and we'll settle this out.

Why don't you take some parting
gifts? Vitamins. Pencils.

[♪]

Joe.

What's up?

I have something to tell you.

I'm pregnant with your baby.

Whoa, heavy.

Shouldn't we be married?

Hey, kids.

Beth, you know a marriage based
in a big city newsroom like this

doesn't stand a chance.

Hey, what the hell's going on?

[QUIETLY]
We're spicing it up for the camera.

Oh, you got any hits yet?

A 150 so far.
Wow.

[LOUDLY]
Okay. I will leave you two lovebirds in peace.

I-I just came to get a soda.

A Jamesmont soda.

A fully-owned subsidiary
of Jimmy James Incorporated.

Hey, everybody. Field trip.

What?
Dave says we can use

our lunch hour to check out
that apartment.

That sounds like fun.
Oh, that's great.

Oh, um, are we going
to be married or not?

Stay tuned.

[♪]

I'm getting a very

sort of Dave-y kind of vibe.

Actually. Well, me too.

Wait a minute. Over here
I'm getting a real--

Real Lisa feeling.

Oh, yeah.
It's like a warm spot in a pool.

Oh, yeah, Dave. I could totally
see you in this place.

Right here, you're picture
of your mom on the wall.

With you on the phone here
talking to your mom.

With you on the couch right here

thinking about your mom.

Hey. You guys didn't tell me

this place had a gourmet
kitchen.

Well, neither one of us
is much of a cook. Yeah.

Oh, that's a shame.
It's gorgeous.

It's got those gleaming
white sinks.

And that Hansel and Gretel
oven--

The man who lives
in this apartment

need never go hungry again.

Yes. But, Max,

who do you picture living here?
Mm-hm.

Oh. Uh...

I abstain.

Look, you guys wanted to see
the apartment.

You've seen the apartment.
Let's get back to work.

Just the thing is, Dave,

it's very hard to choose between
the two of you.

Well, I've made a decision that
avoids the problem entirely.

And what's that, Maxie?

I've decided to vote.

Well, good.

For myself.

I want this apartment.

And I will have it!

[♪]

Well, it's like you said.
It's a lovely space.

You're obviously a woman
with impeccable taste.

[LAUGHS]

Yes. I think so too.

Ah. Au revoir to you.

I cannot believe the landlady
is doing this.

She wasn't taking any more
applications.

Well, I think she was very
impressed by my Peabody Award.

This is totally outrageous.
You know that.

We've suffered
for this apartment

without having to deal
with you too.

You don't know
what suffering is.

I live in an extended-stay motel

in Fort Lee, New Jersey.

Do you have any idea
what that's like?

Oh, come on, Max.
Fort Lee is great.

Yeah.

I mean, you've got

that fort and...

Look, you're trying to take
the place away from us.

I bet you didn't even notice
the crown moldings.

You didn't mention
it has the finest

gourmet kitchen ever seen.

Well, so what?

For a foodie,

a gourmet kitchen
is indispensable.

A foodie?

One who appreciates,

nay, adores

food.

Otherwise known as a glutton.

Otherwise known
as a connoisseur.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

one of us has to work
for a living

so we can pay
for our new apartment.

Can't you thr*aten to fire him
or something?

[SIGHS]
Inflicting suffering on him is pointless.

He already lives in Fort Lee.

[CLEARS THROAT]
How am I doing?

Good. But you can't move.
Keep still.

Okay. Okay.

Are people gonna buy this?

That you're an alien?

That I'm a dead alien.

Not if you keep
moving your lips.

Okay.
Now, listen.

I'm just gonna cut
into the plaster breast plate,

If I go past that,
just say when.

When?
Or "ow," whatever.

Get the-- Get the lens cap.
Oh, God.

Well, Beth, I can't think
of a better way

to spend our coffee break.

That's right, Joe.
If it's a choice

between actual alien autopsy
or coffee break,

you can bet that I will always
choose alien autopsy.

That's just the way we are
here at WNYX.

Okay, now let's cut
this bad boy open.

Oh, God. That tickles.
Shut up.

Okay, kids, come on. It's time
to decide on the apartment.

Coming.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[♪]

Okay, folks,
we've all had a chance to hear

the individual stances
on the issues.

So talk to me. Let's get it on.

Well, I'm a little uncomfortable
voting without a secret ballot.

And why is that, Matthew?

I'm a little afraid
of a reprisal.

From whom?

Dave and Max.

Okay, that's one for Lisa.

Joe?

I've examined each candidate
carefully

and I've come
to the following conclusion.

It's all about commitment.

Now Dave here
has made a commitment

to a very impressive array
of consumer electronics.

While Lisa, on the other hand,

has only a stereo
and an alarm clock.

That stuff's expensive, Joe.

Yeah, well, so are books.

But you seem to have plenty
of those things.

Well, don't my five
electronic toothbrushes

count for something?

No.

Well, they should.

They practically
eroded my gums away.

I choose Dave.

Okay. Duly noted. Beth.

It's a really hard decision
for me to make

because Dave and Lisa are both
very good friends of mine.

And they're not always hitting
on me like Max is.

But then I started to think,
like, what if I slipped up

and I said yes to Max?
"Yes, you can hit on me."

Then I would be waking up
in the beautiful apartment--

That's one for Max.

So...

[CLEARS THROAT]
We've got three candidates.

Three voters.
One big-ass deadlock.

Well, sir, are you gonna break
the big-ass deadlock?

Well, Dave, it's an emotional
issue we got here, all right?

I mean, life-changing choices.
Maybe sex. Maybe v*olence.

Hey, this is--
This great Internet.

What? What are--
What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a tie-breaking
vote on the Internet.

No. Now, sir,
you can't leave this up

to a random group of strangers.

I can and will.
Now scoot.

You got half an hour
to prepare your statements.

Go on and get out of here.
Go on.

Okay, you. Now what the hell
are you supposed to be?

[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah. When Joe, uh--

When Joe first approached me
to play the role of Alien,

I was skeptical myself,

until I read the script.

I realized it's the--
It's the part of a lifetime.

Matthew, I get it.
You're an alien.

Mr. James, if I asked you
to describe Mr. James,

would you say human being?

Probably not.

Thank you.

See, Alien comes from
a small mining town.

He just loves life.

[♪]

Gosh, working in
the personnel department

sure makes a girl hot.

Joe.

Sorry, Julie.
Hit the bricks.

Hi.

Joe, does she really
work for me?

For the next hour.

Oh. Well, I'll be a dirty bird.

Okay. So we interrupt
this program to bring you

"Decision '99:
The Road to The Apartment."

Today WNYX gives you
the chance to vote

on which employee deserves
a really great apartment.

After each candidate speaks,
you will

be asked to vote.

Joe here, will tally up
your votes. Thank you, Joe.

And, uh, the winner will get

a letter of recommendation
from me,

James James, the man so nice,

they named him twice.

Okay. Up first,
Mr. Dave Nelson. Dave?

Right there.
Thank you so much.

Yes. Thank you, sir.
Ready, go.

Hi. I'm Dave Nelson and I think
I deserve this apartment

for one simple reason.

I saw it first.

Just as Columbus
claimed this great nation

because he saw it first.

Although, yes, technically,
he didn't really see it.

The native peoples
were here first.

So they would have seen it
before he did--

Okay, time.
Dave Nelson, I saw it first.

All right.
Next up is Max Lewis. Max.

And go.

Hello.

I'm Max Lewis, news anchor
and family man.

Well, actually,
I don't have a family yet.

But with this apartment,
I can get the process started

by bringing home women.

And after all, what's more
important than family?

Time.

Thank you.
Next we have Lisa Miller.

Li-- Where--? Lisa?
Where the hell is Li--? Lisa?

LISA: Coming.
Come on.

Right here.

Go.
Hi. My name is Lisa Miller.

One of the reasons
I wanted an apartment

was so that
I could get a dog.

Like

Daisy.
Aw.

Of course,
if you don't vote for me,

Daisy's gonna have to go back
to the pound.

No.

I can't believe
you would sink that low.

I hear some dogs
are happier at the pound.

That's where their friends are.

Well, it's over.

Well, I'm not conceding.

Give it up, dude.
It's the puppy by a landslide.

Well, in that case,
let me see him.

He's so cute, isn't he?
He's my puppy.

[♪]

Okay. What? No, she's gonna
be pleased as punch.

Yeah. No, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Okay, bye-bye.
You can move in tomorrow.

Thank you so much, Mr. James.

You'll be the first person
we have over.

Oh, good.
Say thank you.

[BABBLING]

Okay, that's enough.

Sorry. Thank you.

And sir, I want to thank you too

for taking me in
till I can find a new place.

Oh, no problem.
You know, Fort Awesome

is a lonely place in the winter.

Just me and the hounds,
you know?

Huh. Hounds?

Yeah. Yeah, they're a handful.

But they keep me warm at night.

God bless their enormous
canine hearts.

Well, I guess that's it
for the Internet, Mr. James.

We gave it our best sh*t.

Yeah, it worked too.

I mean, we got all kinds
of hits and viewers

and all that other
computer jazz.

Why are you
shutting it down, sir?

Because we hit a peak, Dave.

I mean, where I come from,

you got your cute girl
and your puppy. Ha.

You're talking about
a happy ending there.

You've got the soul
of an artist, sir.

I'll take that as a compliment.
How did the shut down go?

Nothing. I just pulled the cord
from the back of the computer.

How did the others take it?

Well, I really didn't have
the heart to break it to 'em.

I'm gonna tell them tomorrow.

Okay. That's probably
for the best.

No!

I won't go back on the air
until this is settled.

But, Max, I can only love you
as a friend.

But what about
our secret trysts here,

in-- In the...

break room?

That was before I learned
that you're not just my lover.

You're my cousin.

Surrender, earthlings.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.
It's the ghost of the alien.

[IMITATES LASER BUZZING]

[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

Ha-ha. Paralyzed.

Just as I planned.
Now we dance,

alien style.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

[♪]