05x21 - Retirement

[bunniefuu]

If there's nothing else,
the meeting is adjourned.

Whoa--! Whoa!

Where's everybody going?
Meeting's over.

No, no. How come--?
How come we never, you know,

sit around, sh**t the breeze
like we used to?

Sir, that's how we spend
the bulk of our time.

Well, I know. So everybody sit
down for a second.

We are not gonna be here
forever together, you know.

I mean, eventually
we're gonna have to move on

with our lives.
What?

He's just kidding, Matthew.
JIMMY: Yeah.

But-- But seriously,
anybody ever wonder,

you know, what they're gonna do
when this thing is over?

Well, I thought I'd like to get
back into print journalism.

There, you see? I didn't know
you were in print journalism.

I was editor
of my college newspaper.

Didn't you win an award for an--
An Arts review piece you did?

That's right, I did.
It was a, uh,

particularly devastating review
of Devo's third album.

But moving on. Moving on.

You know, I too
have fantasized

about dabbling
in the written word.

In fact, I got half a novel
sitting in a drawer at home

just waiting to be finished.

You wrote half a novel?

No, I read half a novel.

Okay. What about you, Joe?
What you gonna do?

I want to work with kids.

JIMMY: Mm-hm.
What?

Get to them early
before they get brainwashed

by the Thought Police.

Oh, like Big Bird and Elmo?

Elmo's on our side, dude.

I knew it. I knew it.

Okay. What about you,
Mr. James?

Who, me?
I'm just gonna retire.

You know, just sell the station,
liquidate my assets.

Ah, just move out in the middle
of nowhere in New Hampshire.

That sounds nice.
JIMMY: Yep.

Peaceful.
Mm-hm. American dream.

Oh, good, good. I-- I thought
you guys would be upset.

Why?
Well, I'm leaving tomorrow.

I've-- I've liquidated--

I've liquidated
most of my holdings.

The station's up for sale.

And as of the stroke of midnight
tonight,

I am officially retired.

Wait a minute.

Big Bird's not on our side?

[♪]

Okay, see here?

That's the barber shop
right there.

This here's the general store.

And about a half-mile
down this road is my cabin.

It looks more like a-- A rustic
convention center than a cabin.

No, no. It's--
It's a cabin.

See, I bought 50 cabins and they
took all the different parts

from the 50 cabins to make--
Make one big-ass cabin.

See?

Dave, you might want
to look at this.

It's where Mr. James
is retiring to.

Yes. Very big-ass, sir.

Yeah. I thought so.

[CLEARS THROAT]
So, what else? Oh, yeah.

Here is a picture
of a cow on my property.

And here's another cow
and another cow and another cow.

No, actually, sir,
this one is a bull.

Oh, good eye, Dave.

Anyway, sir,
don't you think

you're a little bit young
to retire?

Well, I came to New York City
to get rich.

I got rich. I made it here,

therefore, I can make it
anywhere. Done. Peace. I'm out.

But what about us?
What about the station?

Oh, you guys can get along fine
here without me.

Well, sure. I know that--

I said you guys can get along
fine here without me.

No. We need you here.
No, no, no, no.

Oh, sure you can.

Don't you think you'll
get bored up there?

Bored? How can I get bored
and be spending 12 hours a day

with tranquilizer g*ns,

bulldozers moving these damn
cows off my property?

No, sir, it's actually easier
to move them

if you don't, uh,
knock them out.

I did not know that.

Why don't you let Dave show you
some of his old Four-H cowcalls?

All right. Uh, standard North
American Holstein coming up.

Maybe another--
Maybe another time, son.

Uh, there's something
you could do for me though.

Would you mind
ID'ing these for me?

My great pleasure, sir.
Thanks.

Dave, you're awfully nonchalant

about this whole
retirement thing.

Oh, that's just because
he's not really retiring.

It's just some sort
of a scam.

Uh, I don't think so.

I just have a feeling
he's serious about this.

Uh-huh. What makes you
think that?

Women's intuition.

Oh, you have women's intuition?

No.

Well, I think you're wrong
about this one.

He's just doing this
to scare us into,

I don't know,
working harder or something.

You know, trust me,
in a few days,

it'll all blow over.

Well, what if you're wrong?

Huh? Well, I'm not.

I'm not. You know, he probably
just wants us to maybe pitch in

and get him a gold watch.
Something like that.

Yeah, or have Matthew
jump out of a cake.

Mm-hm. No. Remember we did that
for his 50th birthday party?

That was Matthew?

Yeah. In-- In-- In a wig.
You were-- You were drunk.

Thank God.

[♪]

This is just great.

What--? What are you
talking about?

Without Jimmy here,

Dave is just gonna fire me
the first chance he gets.

Why would Dave do that?

Because he hates me.

Dave doesn't hate you.

Then why does he criticize
my work all the time?

Why does he sh**t hate rays
out of his eyes?

Why doesn't he ever
take me camping?

Dave doesn't go camping.

Sure he does. He takes me
with him every weekend.

Sometimes twice.

Look, so what? You get fired.

You just get another job
just like regular people do.

I'm not regular people.

The dude's got a point.

I'm not good at job interviews.

I stumble. I stammer,
uh, I-- I say stupid things.

It's like I'm a completely
different person.

Yeah. Actually,
that's exact--

Joe? No. Thank you.

No. You're a secretary, Beth.

It's very easy for you
to get by

on a-- On a smile
and a little jiggle.

Joe, same goes for you.

You know, I'm a reporter.

That-- That is white-collar
work.

You know, you probably
just need a little practice.

Oh, what do you mean?

Well, Joe and I would be
more than happy to set up

a little mock-interview
situation for you.

You would do that for me?

Absolutely.
Sure.

Okay, thank you.
Okay. All right. You're welcome.

Thanks.
[BOTH SNICKER]

Lisa, want to know
what I think?

No.

I think Jimmy's retiring.

I think you're right
and Dave's wrong.

I know. I'm really concerned
about this and Dave...

What, were you eavesdropping
on our conversation?

No. Beth was.

Well, Beth should not
be eaves--

Okay. We both were.

But that's my point.

We all got to stick together
now.

You know what, Max?
You're right.

You're right.
So here's the plan.

You go into the men's room.
Second stall.

Lock the door and sit.

Keep your eyes shut
and your ears open. Go.

Max, we're all
counting on you.

I'm on it.
Good.

[♪]

[SNIFFS]

Is there a Mr. Brick here?
A Mr. Brick?

Right here. It's Brock.
Mr. Brick?

Brock.
Oh.

Hello, Mr. Brick. Thank you
for coming in for the interview.

Well, thank you for having me--

It'll be just a few
more minutes.

We're running a little behind.
Take a seat, please. Thank you.

May I help you?

I'm here for the job interview.

And you are--?

Matthew Brock.

[SIGHS]
Brock, Brock, Brock...

Hold on a moment.
You might have it as Brick.

Ah, yes, I do.

Okay.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Brick,

but that position
has been filled.

But I do thank you for your time
and have a nice day.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Damn it!

Isn't there anything left
for you to accomplish?

Uh... no.

Not really, no.

Now that I-- Now that I
think about it though,

I always saw myself having a,
you know,

a retirement party,
speeches and all that stuff,

but, nah, I guess maybe not.

We could do that.
Yeah, we could.

No, no, no. Forget about it.
I was just--

Now that I'm actually retiring

I kind of want to sort of just
fade into the night.

It would just be more like
a small dinner.

With lots of food.
I don't know.

Well, really, it would be more
for us than for you, sir.

There will be dessert,
correct?

Though not for long.

What do you think?

Okay.
Great.

Okay. All right. I just--

You know, I don't want to see
Matthew pop out of a cake,

give you a lap dance again.

[SIGHS]

That was a test
of your patience,

which you passed
with flying colors, I might add.

Yeah, it sure was a test.

You know, I've been sitting
out here for 45 minutes.

Sometimes that happens.

Be prepared for stuff like that.
Whatever.

Ready for your interview?
I guess so.

Well, we are rather busy

if you'd like to reschedule.
No, I'm ready.

Very well.
Right this way, sir.

That's right. I said sell, dude.
Sell. Thanks, dude.

Mr. Garrelli, Mr.--

Brock.
Brock is here for the interview.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Brock.
Please have a seat.

Oh, thank you. Okay. Thank you.
Take a seat.

Looking over your résumé here.

May I say I find it
quite impressive.

Well, yeah, I-- I find that
a hand-written résumé

is a little more personal.

Let's see. It says here
that you worked as a reporter

for WNYX for the last
five years.

Why did you leave?

Because Dave hates me.

Hm. Well, of course,
you do realize

that this isn't a radio station?

Oh, no. I was under
the impression

that you were looking
for reporters.

No, son. This is NASA.

We're looking for people who are
interested in space travel.

You are interested
in space travel, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Good. I'm just gonna ask you a
few questions if you don't mind?

Oh, jeez. Yeah, sure.
Okay.

Question number one: Have you
ever been to the moon before?

No. No, I haven't.

Do you own your own
NASA-approved space suit?

Own? No. No.

Well, we may be able
to provide you with that.

I can't guarantee anything.
Possibly. Doesn't look good.

Tell me, can you type?

Type? Yeah. Yes, I can.

In space?

Yes.

How many words per minute?

Well, my record is,
like, eight.

But I would say more like five.

Now, are these minutes
or space minutes?

I do not know the answer
to that question.

Okay, listen to this.

We take him to dinner
and drinks.

Everybody gives a speech about
how much he means to them.

He starts crying like a baby
and he decides to stay.

It's as easy
as one, two, three...

four...

five.

Well, I-- You know,
I see two flaws in your plan.

Uh, one, I fear there may be
a group hug involved,

which would include me and Max.

Look, I will get between
you and Max.

Oh, I wish I had known you were
open-minded when we were dating.

Nobody is that open-minded.

See, the second flaw is that
throwing a big dinner for him

is the exact opposite of
ignoring his phony retirement,

which is the right way
to handle this.

I mean, I-- I--
I just promise you

if you just
leave this thing alone,

tomorrow he'll come in here
and he won't even remember

having said he would retire.

No. I like my plan better.
One, two, three, four, five.

Okay. But I don't think Matthew
can count that high.

How do you feel?

Not so good.

How are you feeling now?
Not so good.

Well, you better
get used to it.

Office furniture in space
is very unstable.

Does this mean I get the job?

How do you feel about working
for minimum wage?

That would be fine.

Welcome to NASA.

Okay. All it is, is a sweet,
little intimate dinner

just to tell Mr. James
how much he means to us.

Oh, I get it. Okay.

Yeah, and then he cries
and then we cry,

and then someone at the next
table tells us to keep it down,

and then somebody
throws a glass.

Yeah, I--
I think it can work okay.

No. Let's just ignore him

and this whole thing will pass
in a few days.

No. I like my plan.
We're gonna go with my plan.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, if I may
be the voice of experience here.

Look, the deadline for making
new plans has long passed.

We're gonna go with this plan.

The one-two-three-four-five
plan, which is my plan.

And it's a good plan.

Hear me, children.

You know not what awaits you
in the years to come.

What?

I don't know. That's all I got.

Okay, thank you very much.
But could you all just please

go to your desks and-- And just
write a-- A simple little speech

about how much
Mr. James means to you,

becuase it's what the plan says
and the plan must be followed.

Come on, people.
Look into your hearts.

Let's do this.
It'll be fun.

Dave?
Yes, Matthew.

Hi.
Hi.

Listen, um...

how are you?

I'm well.

Oh, this is not easy for me.

I'm not good at this. But Dave--
That's all right.

Dave. Dave.
What? What? Matthew, what?

Dave.
Matthew, what?

Joe and Beth
were doing that thing

where they pretend to be people

and they were gonna send me
on a space moon rocket

up to the moon, and-- And--
And let's-- Let's face it.

I'm not astronaut material.
So can we just be friends

and can you stop sh**ting
hate rays out of your eyes?

Well, Matthew, that's--

That is something
that I will have to discuss

with my ophthalmologist.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Dave.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You are the best.

The best!

[♪]

Beth, I-- I thought
we were just

gonna push a few tables
together.

I don't know about you,
but I think a proper sendoff

calls for a little bit
more than that.

Okay, this is it, people!

Cue lights.
[DRUMROLL PLAYS]

BETH:
Cue announcer.

MAX [OVER SPEAKERS]:
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's the Jimmy James
Farewell Jubilee.

[ALL CLAP]

Who are all these people?

Oh, they're, uh, from
The David Letterman Show,

but I told them
they had to come here first.

Yeah, hang on. Yeah, you're on
in five, four, three...

[MOUTHING]

I'm very embarrassed.

Just roll with it, sir.

Yeah.

Hello and welcome

to the Da-- The David Letterman
preshow.

[APPLAUSE]

Uh, and as-- As part
of the preshow

we are-- We are going to say
goodbye to our good friend,

Jimmy James.
[GROANS]

Now, I know that everybody
has prepared

a little something to say.
So, Joe, you're up.

I'm not going first.

Lisa-- Lisa, I really,
really didn't want

my going-away party
to be such a big deal.

I know, sir.
I'm really sorry.

But if you just try to ignore
the lights and the music

and the strangers

and just listen to--
To what we have to say

because we're all speaking
from the heart

and we really,
really love you.

[GROANS]
Joe!

Uh, all right.

Uh, normally, I'm not one
for toasts,

but, uh, in Mr. James' case,
I'm gonna make an exception.

So here we go.

Mr. James.
Yeah?

Jimmy, salud. Bottom's up.

[ALL APPLAUD]

Joe?
What?

That's it?
Yeah.

That's your speech?
That was a good toast.

It sucked.
It kicked ass.

We will see whose ass
gets kicked

when we get back to the office.

Lisa, it was fine.
Joe, thank you, dude. Salud.

Could we just get it over with?

[SIGHS]
I want to tell you a story

about the best day
that Mr. James and I

ever spent together
in New York City,

your favorite city,
Mr. James.

[JIMMY AND BETH SOBBING]

BETH:
So

in one day

Mr. James and I
were mugged in Central Park...

Yeah.
...his foot got run over

by a drunken cab driver,

my cat fell 10 stories
out of an apartment building,

and I got evicted
from my apartment

because my rent
was one day late.

[WAILS]
One day.

And that is when Mr. James
turned to me and he said,

"Beth, it's this city.

We've got to get out of this
hellhole before it k*lled us."

We will, Bethie.
We will, damn it.

[ALL CLAP]

Okay. My turn.
My turn.

Yeah, Okay.

JIMMY [SOBBING]
It's all right. It's okay.

Uh, anyway, I'm sorry about
my voice. I kind of lost it.

Uh, Mr. James,
I wrote a little song for you,

and I want you to know
it comes from my heart.

Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT]

A one, two, a three, a four.

[ACCORDION PLAYS]
♪ Some say the world is made ♪

♪ For fun and frolic
And Jimmy James ♪

♪ And Jimmy James ♪

♪ So raise a glass
And drink a gin and tonic ♪

♪ To Jimmy James ♪

♪ The Jimmy James ♪

You know, this is turning out
to be a very special evening.

You're half-loaded.
And you're not?

Halfway doesn't do it
for me anymore, Dave.

♪ He's Jimmy James ♪

♪ Everyone should know by now
I sing of Jimmy James ♪

Yeah!
[APPLAUSE]

That was...

Hey, can I get a hold of that?

You changed the words so that
now my name's in the song.

Yeah!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for your viewing pleasure,

please welcome
the Three Dancing Matthews.

[ACCORDION PLAYS]

Lisa, just... Thanks.

You know, it--
It's not what I wanted,

but I don't know.
It's been a hell of a sendoff.

It was supposed
to be different.

So very different.

Yeah, can I ask you
a question? Sure.

Is--? Isn't Dave gonna speak?

Because, I mean,
it's cool if he isn't.

No, of course,
Dave's gonna speak. Good.

We were just saving the best
for last. All right.

Dave?
Hm?

You got to get up there.

No, I haven't prepared anything.
It's okay. It's okay.

Just be sincere.
No, no, no!

No, I cannot follow
the Three Dancing Matthews.

They were terrific.

Hey, Dave.

Oh, yay!

This will be good.
He's the smart one.

[APPLAUSE]
Uh...

[MUMBLES]

Ah, there.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

uh, to the great game
and to its grand master,

Mister...

[GRUNTS]
...Jimmy James.

Now, Mr. James, I don't always
approve of your methods.

In fact, I very, very,
very seldom understand them.

But, uh, you know, everything
usually works out for the best,

am I--? Am I right?

Go, Dave.
[APPLAUSE]

Whatever you're up to, sir,
I just wish you'd, you know,

get on with it because, uh,
this, uh, phony tribute

to your fake retirement has
eaten up three hours of my life

that I will never get back.

You know what?

I'm gonna miss you most of all,
you grumpy little bastard.

Oh, well--

[APPLAUSE]

All right.
Uh, hey, kids-- Kids.

Anybody-- Anybody got a watch?

Yeah. It's-- It's, uh,
10 past 12, sir.

Ten--? Well, damn,
not to mention hell.

This little pumpkin
is officially retired.

How about that?

[CLEARS THROAT]
All right.

Well, thank you.
Thank you all.

It's been a hell of a night,
and I thank you all.

I'm sorry, sir.
No, don't mention.

Now, what did we learn
from this?

That's right.
Absolutely nothing.

But it-- It has been
a hell of a night

and I will cherish this memory
forever.

Everybody get their glass up.

And salud.

See?
Shut up.

Bye, guys.

Dave, he's-- He--
He's not really--?

No, Matthew. Of course not.
He's just bluffing.

I mean, you-- You really think
he's gonna move to New Hampshire

and hang out with cows?

[♪]