08x06 - The Gift of Life

[bunniefuu]

(knocking)

Yeah.

Brian...

Here are today's flight logs.

Thanks, Fay.
Do you want me to file them?

No, that's all right.

I'll file them myself.

(knocking)

Yeah.

Hey...

Is joe around?

Uh, no.

Well, tell him
I'm looking for him.

Yeah, will do.

Brian?

(screams)
What?!

You scared the hell
out of me.

Don't sneak up on me
like that.

Yeah. Here's the five dollars
I borrowed from you.

Oh, by the way,
happy Halloween.

Huh... is it Halloween already?

So, Fay...

What do you think?

Well, uh...

No, no, look...

I want you to be honest with me.

Do I look like a complete dork?

Well, when you say "complete"...

Oh, I knew it!
This is what I get

for waiting till the last minute
to rent a costume.

You mean that's all
they had left?

It was either this
or Miss Piggy.

Well, if you hurry,
I'll bet they're not closed yet.

Forget it, Fay,

I am not going
to the Halloween festival

dressed as a pig.

Besides, it was a little tight
in the butt.

Huh? Huh?

(laughing):
Huh?

Oh, wow...

that's just...

Wow.

You really like it?

Oh... it's the best one of those
I've ever seen.

You don't know what I am,
do you?

Not a clue.

Okay.

Maybe you need the full effect.

I see.

Boy, that's even more confusing.

I'm a twister...

like in the movie Twister.

You remember the cow?

You're laughing, huh?

Obviously you haven't seen
your husband yet.

Hi, what would you like?

What would I like?

I'd like my wife back.

She left me.

(sniffles)

Oh... I'm sorry.

I can't help you there,

but how about a
jack-o'-lantern cookie?

You know why she left me?

Because of my weight.

I lost 80 pounds

and she couldn't take
the new, trim me.

Who can blame her?

I'm wasting away.

I'm all skin and bones.

I-I don't think so at all.

I think you're still
a very chubby man.

Thank you,

but... you're not my wife.

No, I'm not.

Well, if she wants fat

I'll give her fat.

Give me all the cookies
you've got.

No-no-no, listen...

you should be proud
of losing that weight

'cause it's not easy.

I know, 'cause
I've been there.

In high school, I was voted
most likely to explode.

Announcing the boarding

of Sandpiper Scair's
6:00 flight to Boston

through gate one.

Have a ghoul flight.

Good luck, sir.

Thank you.

Oh. Forgot my cooler.

No-no-no.

You don't need this.

But I do need that.

Listen.

I used to travel
with a cooler too.

I know what's in here.

You got eskimo pies,
raw cookie dough, salami...

No, you don't understand.
I'm a medical courier.

Yes, and I was selling
Girl Scout cookies.

No, I'm a medical courier
on a priority one delivery.

I've got the gift of life
in there.

Oh, wow.

You mean,
you're saying in here...
Yes.

What are you standing there for?
Go. Get on the plane.

Yeah.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Marge. Is that really you?

Fay, what was
with the announcement?

We don't have a flight.

We're all going
to the festival.

Well, I'm sorry
but that man

just showed up, and I had
to sell him a ticket.

Well, you know what this means?

This means that
the little wooden dork

is going to miss
the festival.

You are on very thin ice
with me, missy.

Why don't you
take the flight?

Because half of me
feels bloated

and the other half of me

doesn't give a damn
about anybody but himself.

Really?

You want to see me now?

But... but I'm on a job.

You're wearing
the backless muumuu?

I have to think...

Marge, no, Marge,
don't hang up...

I'm not taking
that flight.

Yeah? Well, neither am I.

Well, one of you
has to take it.

Excuse me, sir,
your flight is
about to board.

No, I don't even know
if I'm getting on that flight.

Uh, um... excuse me...

are you saying that, uh,

you might not be taking
that flight?

Yeah. I don't know.

I'm very confused.

Well, perhaps we
can be of some help.

Talk to us.

Okay.

My wife left me,
but she just called

and wants to meet
at our favorite restaurant

but I'm going
on a very important job.

Job?

Job?

The woman you love
is waiting for you

and you can't think
of anything else but your job?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Is a job going
to love you?

Is a job going
to keep you warm at night?

Is a job going to wake
you up in the morning

by nibbling
at the back
of your neck?

And if so,
are they hiring?

Now, you got to
ask yourself--

if this woman
leaves you

will you be able
to live with it?

No, I can't.

Well, then, what
are you waiting for?

Go. Run to her.

Run like the wind.

But y-you really
think I should go?

Look at me.

Would I lie to you?

You're right.

I'm going.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Nice work.

Likewise.

Oh, Brian...

you haven't said anything
about my costume.

What do you think?

Hmm, well...

the man in me says,
"ooh, baby."

The woman in me wants
to scratch your eyes out.

Come on, let's go.

Helen...

Look, this guy left his coat,

he left his lunch...

Oh, man. Hey, Fay...
do me a favor,

will you chuck this into
the lost and found, please?

Brian... what are you
doing with that?

Some guy left it.

Hey, if he doesn't
claim it in 30 days,
we can keep it.

No, you cannot keep that.

Sure you can.

How do you think we got
our electric toothbrush?

That guy was
a medical courier.

He was on
a priority one delivery.

He said he was carrying
"the gift of life" in there.

Oh, my God.

Priority one?

I mean, that's got to be
life-and-death.

There's only one thing
to do-- open it.

I'm not going
to open it.

Don't look at me.

Joe.

Why do I have to open it?

'Cause you have
the geekiest costume.

It was the
last one left.

HELEN:
Well? What is it?

It says "Nelson's heart."

Wow.

There's a human heart
in there.

So, what do we do with it?

Well, it said
Nelson's heart.

I say we get
it to Nelson.

He's probably getting
pretty antsy right now.

No, the label said
Nelson's the donor.

We got to find out
where it's supposed to go.

Avast, ye mateys.

Arrrr!

Damn. Miss Piggy
was just sitting there.

Well, I don't understand.

I mean, what would make
a man leave a heart

in the middle
of an airport?

Ask these two.

What?
Hey, it wasn't our fault.

The guy left
to meet his wife.

That's right.
Plus, she was wearing
a backless muumuu.

He's not made of stone.

Anyway, the important
thing right now is

what are we going
to do with this heart?

That's right.

I mean, I don't know
when it was harvested,

but we've got two hours max
before it goes cardic.

Doesn't anybody watch E.R.?

I mean, that's just
common knowledge.

Oh, wait. The courier's name
was on his ticket.

I'll go look it up.

No, you idiot.

I'm a twister, a twister.

Where do you get
escaped mental patient?

What are we looking at?

Antonio, there's a human
heart in this cooler.

(laughing):
Oh, sure.

I get it. I get it.
Antonio, the fool.

Antonio, the butt
of your little Halloween prank.

Antonio, who can't make
a costume

that anyone can recognize.

Ooh!

Be still, my heart.

No!

Will you just..?

It's b*ating in there.

Antonio...

Ah...

Psst! Hey, Hackett.

Could I talk to you
for just a second, please?

What is it, Roy?

I hear you got a heart
on your hands.

Listen,
I make one phone call,

we're both rich men.

What are you saying, Roy?

You want to fence
the heart?

Black market.

It's what we call
in the trade...

"booty."

Forget it, Roy.

I'm not interested.

Listen up, everybody, we don't
have a minute to lose.

We have got to find
this courier.

Fay, did you get his name?

It's Dave Gardner.

Yes, and he said he
and his wife

were going to go eat
at their favorite restaurant.

Okay, great.
Antonio, how are you feeling?

You still queasy?

No. My stomach's quieted down.

Okay, good. Check every
steak house, rib house,
chop house,

clam house, slop house
and pancake house on the island.

Helen, you go with him.
You know what he looks like.

Right. More importantly,
I know where he eats.

I've been in that world.

Okay, Fay, I want you
to call this guy

and leave a message that
we're looking for him.

Casey, you call all
the area hospitals.

Brian and I will check
every courier service

that does business
on the island.

Roy, where are you
going with that?

Well, I just thought
the heart

would be
more comfortable in my office,

you know, with the air
conditioning and everything.

Forget it, Roy, we are not
selling the heart.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Roy, you got a nibble?

What kind of money
are we talking?

Let's just say that
one man's angina

is another man's Lexus.

How crass can you be?

Why don't you just
hang out a sign:

"Hearts for sale.
Free boom box with purchase."

Damn. Another machine.

Every courier service
I've called is closed.

Well, we've got
to do something.

Because of us, there's some poor
guy walking around

out there without a heart.

And there's some guy
sitting right here

without a brain.

Don't talk to me like that.

You're just a silly little man
in silly little shorts.

All right, let's have
this out right now.

Would you be happier
if I was Miss Piggy?

Gut reaction? Yeah.

What are we talking about?

We're holding a man's
life in our hands.

God, I feel so helpless.

I wish I knew what to do.

Let me ask you something.

If something bad
happened to me ever

would you give me a lung?

What?

How about a kidney? You'd give
me a kidney, wouldn't you?

Brian, please,
I should call Boston.

A thumb?

Aw, come on.

A crummy little thumb.

No word yet from Dave Gardner.

By the way,

he has the cutest recording
on his answering machine.

It goes, "hi. This is Dave,
the burger king

"and Margie, his dairy queen.

"We're not home right now

but if you'd like
to leave a McMessage..."

Okay. We get it, Fay.
It's adorable.

Come on,
this is ridiculous.

You can't just donate a heart
without having a record of it.

Why don't you call the A.M.A.?

Maybe they have some sort of
missing organ file or something.

"McMessage."

I love that.

Brian, there's got
to be something else we can do.

Think, think.

Say I needed a skin graft.

Come on,
some lousy stinking skin.

God knows you've got
some extra right here.

Now, you get
this straight.

You're not
getting anything--

not an eyelash,
not a toenail.

In fact, you borrowed
a tie from me.

I want it back.

Every Halloween,

the same sad people

with the same old,
sad costumes.

Skeleton...

ghost...

mummy...

ghost...

ghost...

Kathie Lee.

Any luck at
Hamburger Howie's?

Yeah, they've got
a new fried onion brick.

No, I meant about
Dave, the courier.

Was he there?

Did you find out anything?

No, he wasn't there,
but he is a regular.

And they have a menu item
named after him--

Dave's Double Delight.

It's 20 ounces of ground chuck
in a cheese log

served with a side of fries.

It wasn't that good.

You're really pounding
those groceries.

Don't you think
you better ease up a little?

Back off.
I had a light lunch.

Oh, really?

You keep eating that brick

and there won't be any doubt
about who gets that heart.

Look, I've got
a human organ in my hands,

and I don't know
what to do with it.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, sorry.

Hey, great costume.

Thanks.
Where do you go to school?

Oh. Oh, you think I...

Radcliffe.

So, who are you
supposed to be?

Oh, I'm one of the
m*rder victims

from Nightmare
on Elm Street.

Oh, yeah, my mom
liked that movie.

Oh... yeah, mine too.

She, like, helped me
with my costume and all.

Listen, if you're not
doing anything tonight

a bunch of us are having
a Halloween party

at my folks' house.

They're out of town.

Oh... bitchin'.

Whatever.

Um, hey, why don't
you stop by.

Come on, Dylan.

We've got everything.

Let's go.

Yeah, I'll tell my mom
you liked the costume.

Are you out
of your mind?

Come on,

guys can still have kids
with only one.

Brian, I am not going to
let you strip me for parts.

And if you ask me again

I'm reaching in and
taking stuff from you.

I've got it-- Boston University
Medical Center.

Senator Fred Bornemann.

He's waiting for a heart
and it hasn't shown up.

Great. Let's go.

Casey, we found
the recipient.

Is that heart iced

and ready to go?

I think so--
let me check.

Oh, hey, great idea.

'Cause when the senator
gets his heart

he's going to want to knock back
a cold one to celebrate.

Casey, there's no
heart in there.

Where's the heart?

I don't know--

I mean, I had my eye
on it every minute

except for when I was
talking to that cute guy...

Oh, no.

What?

I think the heart
just went

to a Halloween party.

(rock music playing)

Hey, old dude.

I think you got
the wrong party.

No. Look, I'm looking
for a red cooler.

I've got to find it.

It's a matter
of life and death.

Old dude needs a brew.

No, no... you
don't understand.

I don't need a beer.

I'll check
the other rooms.

Hey, can you...
Excuse me.

I'm looking for a cooler.
Can you help me, please?

It's really important.

Oh, thank God.

A medical student.

You can help me.

All right,
a medical courier

left a heart intended
for transplant in the airport.

Someone here took it
by mistake.

It is imperative
that we get it

to Boston University
Medical Center.

Easy, Peter Pan.
I'm not a med student.

He is.

Okay. Please, everybody,

could I have your attention
for a minute?

Hey, hey, hey!

Old dude wants
to say something.

First of all... (snickers)

I'm not an old dude.

Second of all,
I am not Peter Pan.

I am Pinocchio.

Turn off MTV and cr*ck a book
for once in your lives.

Now, there is a human organ
in here

and I need to find it.

(crowd oohing)

There is a heart on ice...

Oh, I got a heart
on ice right here!

CROWD:
Yeah!

Well, if this is the future
of our country

I, for one, am saddened.

Brian! Brian!

CROWD:
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

(yelling)

What are you doing?

Hey, if you got to get
information from these kids

you got to speak
their language.

(belches loudly)

Come on!

Hey, chill, old dude.

Come on, let's
find that heart.

Hey, who bailed on the beer?

What's this Nelson's
heart stuff? Is that like Zima?

Come on.
We've got it, Brian.

Let's go.

Oh, hey,
Casey, Casey.

It's okay.
We've got the heart.

The what?

Hi.

You know old dude?

Uh, yeah.

He's, like, a friend
of my parents'.

I got ants
in my freakin' cab.

I got ants!

You know...
stop complaining.

We're trying
to save a man's life.

Where is my Superslurp?

Airport-- right away.

Hey, hey...

sorry, off duty.

No, this is an emergency.

Hey, buddy,
I got an emergency of my own.

I just drank a 30-ounce Coke

and there's no zipper
in my costume!

Mm! Oh, my God!
It's him!

We've been looking
all over for you!

Oh, you're the lady
from the airport.

He's Dave?
That's Dave.

Would you tell him I got to get
to the airport

and get that cooler.

Oh, no,
we don't have the time.

Just tell me
where the heart goes.

I'll call my husband--
he's standing by to deliver it.

Heart? There's no
heart in that cooler.

Don't tell me there's no heart
in that cooler!

I've been worried sick
about that heart.

Where'd you get that idea that
there was a heart in the cooler?

It said it on the container:
"Nelson's heart."

No, "Nelson's Heart"
is a racehorse

that's been put out to stud.

So there's this mare
outside Boston waiting to be...

You know.

Well, she's waiting for his...

you know...

Oh, my God.

What they have
in that cooler is...

All right, we've got the
gift of life here.

Gift of life
coming through.

Out of our way!

What we have
here belongs

in the United
States senator.

This is the proudest moment
of my life.

I just wish Dad
were here to see us.

We're Joe
and Brian Hackett.

We have the senator's heart.

Thank God.
They're waiting
for this.

Whoo!

Huh... we made it.

I can't believe
we made it.

We just saved
a man's life.

Yeah. Feels good,
doesn't it?

Feels damn good.

Is this some kind
of a sick joke?

What are you
talking about?

I have
the senator's heart.

Sorry I'm late.

We had a problem
with the med-evac.

Wait a minute.

If he had the heart,
what do we have?

Hey! Hey!
We didn't know!

It's a mistake
anyone could make.

I'll slap a sexual
harassment suit

on that guy so fast,
his head'll spin.

Okay, just calm down.
Calm down.

Here, let me help you.
Here you go.

You look beautiful.
Take a deep breath.

You okay?

Yeah. You okay?

Yeah.

You all right?
Yeah.