08x07 - Olive or Twist

[bunniefuu]

Listen to this.

"A spokesman for the Society for
Inter-Solar System Teamwork--

"SISST--

"claims an alien visitation
is going to occur

"on Nantucket on the 18th

of this month."

What a bunch of nutbags.

I don't know
about that, Antonio.

Who's to say we're
the only intelligent
life in the universe?

Me. I say it.

We're it, baby.

That's all she wrote.

You're wasting your time

with all this whoo-whoo,
hocus-pocus stuff.

Where are you going?

It's Wednesday.

I have a standing appointment
with Madame Zola

to read the bumps
on my head.

Okay, Roy,
it's your turn.

I'm sure
you're a skeptic too.

I just don't believe
we're alone.

Neither do I.

What?

Oh, they're here,
all right.

They're everywhere.

I've read all the books.

Aliens in my Pocket?

Red Planet, Blue Skin?

BOTH:
Bright Lights, Big Heads?

Ah! Oh!

I wish we could contact
the society.

I'd give anything
to be at the landing.

No problem.

I know people.

I have a mole in SISST.

Hey, how did
the job interviews go?

Oh, another bust.

This week alone,
I've been turned down

for tour guide
at the whaling museum

dental receptionist

and chum dumper on a tuna boat.

Brian, I feel like such a loser.

Oh, stop talking like that.

You're not a loser.

They wouldn't even
let you dump chum?

No. It's just like
everything else.

You got to know somebody.

I know how it is.

This morning,
when I woke up
I was feeling down.

I just snapped
myself out of it.

You want to know how?
How?

First, I stopped
feeling sorry for myself.

I took a deep breath

I walked on over
to the mailbox,

pulled out
a big mama check

from my insurance
company!

My fire settlement came through.

What are you going
to do with the check?

You gonna buy a new house?

Maybe. Eventually.

But for now, I'm just going
to keep him safe here with me.

Aren't I?
You're a pretty little check.

Yes, you are.

Besides...

what's the hurry?

I'm living with Joe and Helen;
they're cool about that.

I'm not in a rush
to go anywhere.

There he is!

The man
with the check.

Which we are
going to help you

turn into a house, a house
of your very, very own.

That's right, we've been
looking all morning.

We've narrowed it
to three.

All you have to do is pick.
Well, I, I...

Here is a gracious,
spacious colonial

featuring three bedrooms, two
and half baths and a wet bar.

Or how about this sleek,
contemporary two-plus-two

with a gourmet kitchen,
a private deck off the master

and a wet bar.

Or this charming
Cape Cod--

finished basement,
ocean view,
and a wet bar.

What's with all
the wet bars?

Who am I? Matt Helm?

Is there room in any
of those places for me?

Well, I am glad you asked.

This one has a guest house
right on the property.

Where?
It's right there. See?

That corrugated
metal thing?

That's a tool shed!

Come on, what do you say
we all go down and look
at it right now?

What's the rush?

Oh, there is no rush;
we just want you to be happy.

You deserve a place of your own

without us in the way
all the time.

You guys aren't in my way.

Yes, we we are--

we're a giant pain in the butt!

Trust me, Brian.

You shouldn't spend
one more night

in the house with us.

We don't think your nerves
could handle it.

Something bad
could happen.

You might... blow.

I suppose
it wouldn't hurt

to go down there
and take a peek.

HELEN:
All right, then.

Some house, huh?

Did you see
that crown molding

in the living room?

You can't find that kind
of craftsmanship today.

What about that thing
under the tarp?

Don't worry about that.

They got poison for that.

No. No. No! No! No! No!

Oh, got it. There you are.

You gave me
quite a scare there, didn't you?

Stop talking
to the check now.

It's psycho.

Come on, we showed you
three great houses, Brian.

You must have
liked one of them.

Well, actually...

You left me there

in the toolshed!

I was measuring
for curtains.

You couldn't
hear me screaming?

We didn't know it was you.

You do hear a lot of screaming
in that part of town.

Anyway,
what'd you think?

Well, I did like

the contemporary
with the deck
off the bed...

That's my favorite too!

Shall we

make the call?

Well, could you just
give us a minute?

JOE:
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Thanks, guys.

'Cause Brian
and I need to...

well, this is it, big guy.

I'm going to miss you.

All right. I'm ready.

Let's go
get me a house!

JOE:
We did it.

HELEN:
Let's go call the agent.

Uh...

oh.

Could we
see menus?

No menus.
Here's what I got--

I got a cheese sandwich.

I got a baloney sandwich.

I got a tuna sandwich.

I'll take
a cheese sandwich.

Me too.

No. You're not listening.

I said, I got a cheese sandwich

a baloney sandwich,
and a tuna sandwich.

How do you expect to stay
in business like that?

I don't.

Tomorrow, I'm closing the place
and moving to Miami.

I bought a condo.

In fact,

you two are probably
my last customers ever.

Oh, that's
kind of sad.

You want sad?

Wait till you see the baloney.

Tuna it is.

Wow. Wow. I'm...

I'm really going
to be a homeowner.

Yeah. You know,
I bet that those
light fixtures

are original art deco.

Maybe I'll expand
the master bedroom.

Look at that tilework
on that counter.

You don't see stuff
like that anymore.

Of course I'll have to
get rid of the garden.

You know how I hate plants.

A little paint,
a little imagination...

It was the right decision.

You know what you should do?

You should take
your insurance check

and invest it in something,

something that could
make you money.

Like what?

Like this place.

A diner?

No, no, no, not a diner.

You could turn it
into something cool--

you know, like a club or a bar.

Oh, I know.

A martini bar. They're big now.

A martini bar...
what are you, kidding?

That's the stupidest, most
ridiculous idea I ever heard.

You could call it Brian's.

Go on.

What could be cooler
than owning your own club?

I mean, can't you just
see yourself here,

you know,
sitting on a barstool

people all around
laughing at your stories.

You always tell me to shut up
when I tell my stories.

Yeah. But if I had
a couple of martinis in me,

I'd laugh my head off.

Listen, Brian...
we could make a fortune.

And if anyone has the charisma
to draw a crowd, it's you.

No! You would be like Bogie
in Casablanca.

Yeah. Bogie.
Uh-huh. Yeah.

( imitating Bogie ):
Welcome to Brian's,
sweetheart.

See, that's great.
You're a natural.

Letters of transient--
letters of transit.

Louie, I think this
is the beginning--

Stop it!

Save all that good stuff
for the opening.

I admit, it's a cool idea

but what do I know
about running a club?

Right.
That's where I come in.

I will do everything.

I'll design it.

I'll supervise
the renovations.

I'll even
manage it for you.

All you have to do
is just sit on that barstool

and rake in the dough.

Come on,
Brian, take a chance.

Sandpiper
was Joe's dream.

This could be yours.

Hey, congratulations, Brian.

The house is a done deal.

You finally have a
place of your own.

Yes, I do.

Welcome to Brian's!

A martini bar...

a martini bar!

They're going to be living
with us until they die.

Let's not go there yet.

Welcome to Brian's.

Hey, so what do you think?

Want the truth
or a bald-faced lie?

I'm in deep--
give me the lie.

I love it!
Hey.

Well, thanks, buddy,

but, you know, we couldn't
have done it by ourselves.

Brian's would be nowhere

without those workmen
out there.

I tell you, those boys,
those boys out there

really rally around me.

( glass breaking
and car alarm blaring )

Hey... that sounds
like my car.

Damn thievin' workmen.

And... there
she is--

the brains behind
Brian's.

I realize you guys

aren't exactly in love
with the idea

but we have put everything
we've got into this.

It would mean a lot
if we had your support.

Okay, Casey, what...

what can we do to help?

Short of cosigning
anything.

Well, if you want,

you could help with
the martini menus.

See we're gonna serve
all different kinds,

and we need to come up
with, like, a fun selection.

So... you want us to sit
at the bar and drink?

If it isn't
too much trouble.

Hey, we're family.

Come on, Helen,
belly up.

Oh... I remember.

This place was a diner!

Good food,
but the owner was creepy.

Every time I came in,
he was all over me

with his sweaty hands
and his baloney breath...

I wonder
whatever happened to him.

Look at this place...

They'll probably have
one of those snooty doormen

behind the velvet rope

deciding who gets in
and who doesn't.

I knew someone who waited
outside a club like this

for three hours,
never got in

'cause the doorman
said he didn't have

"the right look."

What were you wearing?

A plaid car coat
and a pair of red galoshes.

Hey... welcome to
Brian's, Antonio.

I wonder, would I
hear those words

if your snooty doorman
didn't think I had

"the right look"
to get in your snobby club?

Probably not.

Oh, hey, that
reminds me--

I better ask Casey
to hire some goon
to man the door.

Please! Let it be me-- please?

Oh, Brian, I'm perfect
for the job, you know?

I got that whole
Euro-thing happening

and a 'tude
that's bad to the bone.

You're in!

Hey, let me introduce
you to the family.

Say, uh, whoozits
in the, uh, bandanna--

meet the doorman.

( whispering ):
Hey, hey, Cochran, come here.

We are in luck.

I got the coordinates
for the landing:

'Sconset Point,
three nights from now.

Oh, you're kidding!

No, we have to bring
a lawn chair,

a warm blanket
and an offering.

I suggest an Entenmann''
crumb cake.

The aliens like crumb cake?

No... the SISST people.

They hate it if you
show up empty-handed.

The last thing you want
to do is get SISST pissed.

( slurring ):
Okay, let's get back to work.

How many names
have we come up with yet?

( slurring ):
Let's see...

Okay, let's see, we have
the "martini Navratilova"...

And we have
the "Idi Amini martini"...

And... let me see,
what should we call that one?

Oh, I got it, I got it...

( chuckling ):
The-- this is good--

the "itsy bitsy teenie weenie
yellow polka-dot...

Martini."

Ah...

You saw right where
I was going.

I just thought of something.

We can't... drive like this.

How-how we gonna get home?

Antonio.

He hasn't been drinking.

He's thinking very clearly.

Sorry, babe.

( snickering )

In your dreams.

( loudly ):
No way.

Is that a freakin'
car coat?

Be cool, be cool.

We still got five minutes
before we're officially open.

Look, Brian!
There's a line around the block.

There's got to be, like,
200 people out there.

Whoa... 200 people.

All here to see Brian.

Well, I... guess my name
really draws 'em in, huh?

Yeah... those
two-for-one coupons

didn't hurt either.

What's the word, Mr. B?

All right, Antonio...

send in the first customer.

Good evening.

Welcome to Brian's.

( screaming )

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

Ow... ow... ow.

Boy...

that floor is slippery.

Can I help you up?

No, no, no, I think you better
call a doctor.

(groaning continues)

I think we better call
the insurance company too.

I don't think we can
call the insurance company.

Why not?

Brian doesn't have one.

Ow... ow... ow.

( cocktail music playing
on piano )

Call me
irresponsible

Brian?

Call me unreliable

Brian...

Call me...

An idiot for trusting you!

I already said

I was sorry.

You know, you told me
to cut corners.

I had to make some
executive decisions.

Do you know how much
a good assistant manager costs?

Go wait in the car.

Look, Brian, maybe it's not
as bad as we think.

I mean, we don't
even really know

how hurt this guy is.

He might be okay by now.

You know... yeah.
You might be right.

I mean, they only wheeled him
out of here on a gurney.

That's how I like to travel
when I'm in the pink!

Do you know how I like
to travel?

On an elephant.

On one of those big-ass
elephant saddles...

you know, the kind
all the elphelants wear...

and so as I pass by,
all the villagers come out

and they say, "Whoa!
There goes Princess Helen

on her elphelant."

( whispering ):
Yeah.

That's the way to go,
all right.

Listen to her.

She makes a lot of sense.

Joe, Joey, please, stay with me.

I'm about to lose my club here.

I need some help.

You... you know,
you rejected my help.

You should have taken
my advice

when I told you
to buy a hat.

A... a hat?!

Yeah, a h... a hat.

A hat. A hat.

A hat with a deck
off the master

and a little tool shed
for Stacey.

Hey... look, Joe.

I have a hat.

That's pretty.

Joey, please.
What am I going to do?

Well, I think that it's time

to add a new drink
to the menu.

The bankruptini martini.

It's on the rocks

and it's going to live
with its relatives

for the rest of its life.

Oh, no.
Okay, now, now, now.

Listen, we're just going
to go behind the bar

and take a little nappy.

We'll meet you later
back at the hat.

That's it.

( weak chuckle )

It's all over.

I sank my last dime
into this place.

Now when that guy sues me

I'm going to lose
everything!

No! Brian!
We're not giving up.

What if we go see him
before he gets a lawyer?

Maybe we could make
a settlement

and we could still
keep the club.

Ah... o-oh, okay.

It's worth a sh*t.

Okay, good,

so we're going
to go visit...

"Mr. Albert Moorehead"
first thing in the morning.

Make that... second thing
in the morning.

( knocking )

Come in.

Oh, wow.

Hi, Mr. Moorehead.
We're the people...

I know.

You're the folks
who own the club.

My mom told me you were coming.

Oh, yeah!
We met her downstairs.

What a lovely lady.

( woman bellowing ):
Keep that door open
up there, Albie!

No monkey business!

Leave me alone!
I got friends over!

That's right, Albie.

We are your friends.

At least, we'd like to be.

Yeah.

Hey, I see you have
a Vu-Master.

I love these things.

May I?

( shrieking )

What's going on
up there?

Albie, what did I tell you
about monkey business?

There's nothing going on!

Shut up!

Um... Albie,

how are you feeling?

Because you look...
just really good.

I'm a little sore.

Doctor says I hurt my...

you know, my...

my fanny.

( giggling )

Your... fanny?

Yeah, you know...

my heinie.

( giggling )

( forced giggling )
( forced giggling )

Anyways, I don't blame you
for being mad at me.

Mad at you? No...

Uh, uh... Albie, go on.

Well, I'd never been
to a club before.

I only gave the doorman money

because I saw someone
do it in a movie once.

Then I get in, and of course
I'm so clumsy

I fall down
and cause a big scene.

Uh... Albie...

Albie!

Don't be so hard
on yourself!

You think you're the only guy
who ever fell on his...

tushy?

( giggling )
( giggling )

( giggles )

I'm warning you!

If I come up there

and that door
isn't open...

Stop bothering us!

I hate you!
I hate you!

You're nice.

Um... thanks.

You...

excuse us one minute,
will ya?

I think I know how to make
this whole thing go away.

Really? How?

Sleep with him.

What?!

Come on, come on!

It will just be
three minutes tops,
trust me!

Meanwhile,
I'll be downstairs

diverting the Gorgon.

Albie!

Are your friends
staying for dinner?!

( bellowing ):
We already got plans!

Come on, come on.

What do you say?

What's going on?

Are you guys having secrets?

Aw... oh!

Oh, no. No. You know

we were just thinking...

we would like to do
something for you.

That a girl.
See you downstairs.

Get back here!

MOTHER:
What the hell was that?!

Albie, was that
a spaceship?

Are you nuts?!

Are you crazy?!

Leave us alone, you lunatic!

Anyways, Albie,

um, we were thinking

that we would like to pay
all your medical bills

until the doctor fixes
your... heinie.

( forced giggle )

( forced giggle )

( giggles )

And then,
we'd like to...

give you a lifetime
pass to Brian's.

See, that way

any time you'd want to come
and party

with the coolest
people on the island,

well, you'll just
be our guest!

Come on! Me with
all those groovy people

and girls and stuff?

No way!

It's true.

And all you have
to do for us

is sign a little piece
of paper.

It's called
a liability waiver,

which says that you
don't hold us responsible

for your... ( grunts )

( laughs )

( laughs )

And then just pull up
a bar stool

and join the jamboree, okay?

Okay! Thanks.

You're welcome, Albie.

Is it okay if we come
right back with the papers?

Sure. I'll sign
anything you want.

I just have to run it
by my mother first.

I still can't
believe it.

Packed every night.

Ah, we were right.

This place
is a money machine.

Albie!

Albie,
over here!

Please,
Albie!

Sorry, kids.

Uh, not tonight.

( woman bellowing ):
Albie! Get inside!

I need help
behind the bar!

Leave me alone!

I'm out here
with my friends!

Now, remember:
If anybody asks

we didn't go anywhere,
we didn't see anything.

I'm not saying a word.

Good, because they wouldn't
believe us anyway.

Exactly. Much better to act
like nothing happened.

( voice cracking ):
Just business as usual.

Okay. Well, I'll
see you later.

Right.