02x02 - Tom, Sarah and Usher

[bunniefuu]

♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know
Left from right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ♪

♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the w*r is won
Won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[JAZZ PLAYING]
Okay. Ready?

None for me, thanks.

Tom, I think you can have

a second glass
on your anniversary.

I'm driving, sweetie-pooh.

[SCOFFS] I don't
think one more glass

of wine will k*ll you.

No, but driving under
the influence of alcohol

could k*ll me or you,
or somebody's baby.

Worse yet,

I'd spend the next
years in jail being...

[IN UNISON] Anally r*ped.

Yeah, let's talk more

about your violated rectum.

Oh, I find it so romantic.

Hey, I'm just saying-
[CLEARS THROAT]

So...

n-no wine, then?

No, thank you.

[GASPS]

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

Oh, oh-
Oh, my gosh.

[GIGGLES]

[SQUEALS]

Now- Now, that's what
I like to see.

? Sarah's smile?

[GROANS]

Oh, my. No, honey,
don't sing. Not again.

? Oh, won't you smile
A while for me??

Um, Tom. Tom...
? Sarah?

people are looking.
? When you feel cold?

Tom, please.

? I'll warm you?
[GIGGLES]

Honey. Honey, maybe this isn't
the best place to be singing...

? And when you feel
You can't go on?

? I'll come and hold you?
[GROANS]

Yay. All done.
? It's you, hey, and me?

Every time we come in.
? Forever?

Good.

? Sarah?
Hm.

SARAH:
Yay.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

[SQUEALS]

What is it, honey?

Wait. Is that Usher?

Yes. Oh, my God.

He's coming over.

I can't believe this.

TOM: Oh, Sarah, you hit the table.

Hey, how you doin', babe?

[GIGGLES]
Hi, uh, uh, Mr. Usher.

I- I can't believe
it's you.

I'm Sarah.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

You have a beautiful
smile, Sarah.

? Sarah smile?

[SIGHS]
? Whoo?

♪ Oh, won't you smile
A while for me♪♪

SARAH:
I love this song.

? Sarah?

[CROWD APPLAUDS, CHEERS]
Oh, wonderful.

Thank you very much.
Oh. Oh, God.

Uh...

That was beautiful.
It's just what I do.

Oh, um, this is,
uh... Tom.

Yes, I'm Tom. Just Tom.
[SARAH GIGGLING]

USHER: Hey, how you doin'?

[SIGHS]

SARAH:
You are so interesting.

USHER: You're interesting.
[SARAH LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

If you don't mind me asking,

where did you learn
to dance like that?

I've never seen anyone dance
like Michael Jackson before.

Well, I've been dancing for
as long as I remember.

It's not just the music.
I have seen all of your movies.

Really? Even Light It Up?

I loved Light It Up.

I named my dog Light It Up.
Girl, please.

My mama wouldn't
even see Light It Up.

So funny.
She's my manager.

I'm gonna talk to your mom.
She on MySpace.

I'll call her.
[GIGGLES]

Are you a natural blond?
Oh. Oh, you are so funny.

Okay, one more.

Please, we gotta get one more.
Look at that one.

[SARAH AND USHER LAUGH]

Let's go get some fresh air.

It'd be good for my vocals.

Sorry, man.
SARAH: I'm ticklish.

USHER: I'm gonna tickle you again.

Wouldn't let that sh*t
happen to me though.

USHER:
You rollin' with Ush.

[SARAH LAUGHS]

And this is where I put
the rabbit ears behind his head.

Ha-ha. See, honey?

Yes, yes, I see the ears.

[SIGHS]

Don't you think
your behavior might have been

the slightest bit
inappropriate?

Oh, stop being insecure.

You were flirting.

He asked me to
send him the pictures.

Tom, you know I'm
a big Usher fan.

So is Jazmine,

which make sense,
because she's .

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're
a bit old to be acting

like some screaming
TRL groupie.

[MENACINGLY] Stop the car.

Now, now, we won't have
any of that. Just calm down.

Stop the car!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Uh, are you mad?

[?]

RILEY:
Usher?

[LAUGHS]

That n*gga's my age.

So you guys don't think
I'm overreacting?

I don't think so.

You're a bigtime lawyer,

and Sarah's acting all crazy
over an usher?

Not an usher. Usher.
He's a singer.

Ushers ain't
supposed to sing.

You can't hear the movie.

I finished cleaning
the storm drain for you, Robert.

Oh. What's wrong?

Tom's wife is cheating on him
with a singing usher.

Oh, I didn't say
she was cheating.

Lord, Lord, Lord.
How did you end up

with that white woman anyway?

I say toss her groupie ass
out the window,

and let that ho stargaze
from outside.

Now, Riley,
there's never a place

for v*olence
in a relationship.

There sure seemed to be a place
at the restaurant last night.

She made you look like a bitch
in front of Usher.

Boy, watch your mouth.

Probably
started out charitable.

She took you in, was probably
teachin' you how to read.

But Granddad, she did make
Mr. DuBois look like a bitch.

Yeah. We know she made Tom
look like a bitch,

but find a different way
to say it.

Next thing you know,

you rubbin' against that
silky white skin. Oh.

But I don't know
the non-curse way

to say he got bitched.

Humiliated, castrated, emasc...

Oh, all right, all right.
I get the point.

I mean, I can see
if it was a real n*gga.

If you lost
your ho to T.I.,

I'd be like,
"Hey, that's T.I."

But Usher?
[LAUGHS]

You better check that ho,
Mr. DuBois.

You know what?
You guys are right.

I'm gonna go back there
and put her in check.

For example,
how many white women

want to go to a basketball game
just to see the game,

come back with one of them
NBA n*gg*s out of sympathy?

She came to see the game.

She wanted to be entertained.

Oh, the white woman's
got a big heart.

Lord, she's got a big heart.

[TOM SOBBING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SOBBING]

[STRUGGLES]
Is your granddad home?

Granddad.
Mr. DuBois' at the door.

[WHINES] You's a bitch.

Well, Tom, I'm sorry
to hear about the split.

I would love to let you crash,

but I just don't know
where you would stay.

Maybe the guest room.

[SOBBING]

Who told him about
the guest room?

[SOBBING]

Thank you so much, Robert.

See, boys? See why.

I tell you marriage is bad?

I don't care what nobody say.

I ain't never
gettin' married.

Statistically speakin',
it was bound to fail anyway.

[WAILS]

[USHER'S "BURN" PLAYING]

♪ I don't understand ♪

♪ Why... ♪

See it's burnin' me
to hold onto this.

I know this is something
I gotta do.

♪ But that don't mean
I want to ♪

[ SIGHS] Sarah...

♪ All I'm trying to
Say is that ♪

I love you
? I love you ?

It's just, I feel like this

is coming to an end.

♪ Is coming to an end ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ And it's better for me
To let it go now ♪

♪ Than hold on and hurt you ♪

♪ I gotta let it burn ♪

? It's gonna burn for me
To say this?

? But it's coming
From my heart?

♪ It's been a long time comin'♪

TOM:
? But we did fell apart ?

♪ I really want to
Work this out ♪

♪ But I don't think
You're gonna change ♪

? I do but you don't?

♪ Think it's best
We go our separate ways ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I should stay
In this relationship ♪

♪ When I'm hurtin', baby ♪

? I ain't happy, baby?

? Plus there's so many?

? Other things
I gotta deal with?

? I think that you should?

♪ Let it burn♪
USHER: ♪ Let it burn ♪

♪ Oh♪
♪ When your feeling ♪

♪ Ain't the same ♪

? Your body don't want to?

? But you know
You gotta let it go?

? Because the party ain't?

TOM:
? Jumpin' like it used to ?

♪ Even though this might
Bruise you ♪

♪ Let it burn♪
♪ Let it burn ♪

♪ Let it burn ♪

? Deep down you know
It's best?

? For yourself, but you?

? Hate the thought
Of her being with someone-?

MAN:
Car!

[CAR BLARING HIP-HOP]

? Being with someone else?

? But you know that it's over?

? We know that it's through?

? Let it burn?

♪ Let it burn♪
♪ Let it burn ♪

♪ Let it burn ♪

? Gotta let it burn?

[PHONE RINGS]
[SMOOTHLY] Hello?

SARAH:
It's Sarah.

How are you, baby?

You're still taking Jazmine

to her recital practice
at , right?

Yes.

What-? What is that
in the background?

Are you doing
the music video thing again?

[NORMAL VOICE]
Gotta go, honey. Bye.

? So many days
So many hours?

? [MUMBLES]
I'm still burnin'?

♪ Till you return♪
♪ When your feelin' ♪

♪ Ain't the same
And your body ♪

♪ Till you return♪
♪ Don't want to ♪

♪ Gotta let it go♪
♪ You see my chest♪
♪

♪ The party ain't jumpin' ♪

♪ Like it used to♪
♪ Oh ♪

? Even though this might
Bruise you?

♪ Let it burn♪
♪ Let it burn ♪

♪ Let it burn♪
♪ Let it burn ♪

♪ Gotta let it burn♪
♪ Gotta let it burn ♪

[INHALES]

♪ Oh♪
♪ Oh ♪

? Let it burn
Let it burn?

It's burning.

[RILEY BOOING]
[SOBBING]

Hey, Tom.
Shut the f*ck up.

GRANDDAD:
Boy, watch your mouth.

Tom, shut the f*ck up.

[WHIMPERS]

Sorry. I'm so cold.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[SOBS]

Could be worse.

Could have been Omarion.

Thank you for that
perspective, Huey.

No problem.

So I said, "I ain't paying
for dinner and a movie, woman.

"You must have lost
your damn mind.

sh**t, I don't care
if you are Eva Mendes. "

Wait. What was
the question?

[GROANS]

So this is the message
you want to send

to the young youth
out here like myself

just tryin' to
do the right thing

and not love these ho's, huh?

W-w-w-what's all this?

Is this what's hot
right now in the streets?

That's what's
really hood, huh?

All for some white girl who
left you for an R&B dancing-ass,

sexy-flexy-
ass n*gga?

[?]

TOM: And so, sweetie,
that's why Daddy is

staying over at
the Freemans' house.

So Mommy can have her space.

So you're not
getting a divorce?

Oh, no, sweetie.

So Usher won't be
my new daddy?

What? No.
Th- That's ridiculous.

Oh. Are you sure?

Maybe just for
a little while?

I mean, you like it here,
don't you, Daddy?

This is a...

pretty-good-sized room.

I don't know what we're
gonna do, but we gotta do...

Shh.
Here he comes.

Guys. I just
wanted to thank you

for letting me stay here.

I know it's been
an inconvenience.

Not at all, Tom.

You take as much time
as you need.

We gotta do whatever it takes

to get him the hell
up out of here.

Ooh. I got an idea.

GRANDDAD:
Hey, Tom.

Tom. Get
down here.

Uh... what's goin' on, guys?

[?]

Uh, Mr. DuBois,

my name is
A Pimp Named Slickback.

And this, sir,
is an intervention.

An intervention?
Your friends have

reason to believe
you are suffering

from chronic bitch
dependency, Mr. DuBois.

May I call you Tom?

Is this some kind of joke?

Tom... bitch dependency

is no laughing matter.

Addiction to a bitch
can f*ck with your friends,

your health, and scary enough,
even your money.

It's a disease, Tom.

Wait. What was your name again?

Well, thank you for asking.

My name is
A Pimp Named Slickback.

Wait. "A pimp"?

Named Slickback.

Yes. Please say the whole
thing if you would.

Yes, that includes
the "A Pimp Named" part.

Yes, Tom.
Every time.

Look, Mr. A Pimp Named
Slickback...

No need for the "mister. "

I-I don't think
I need any help.

[LAUGHS]
from someone like you.

And by.

[FAKE LAUGHING]
"someone like me,"

you mean a pimp?

A bad guy?

Uh, look, I'm not
trying to insult you.

I just don't approve of
what you people do to women.

Ohh.

So I'm wrong.
So I'm messed up.

Well, which one of us is
the one missin' a bitch, Tom?

You don't see me running around
lookin' for a bitch.

I know where all
my b*tches are,

thank you very much.

[PHONE BEEPS]
Bitch, where you at?

WOMAN [ON PHONE]: I'm out
here gettin' your money.

That's what the hell
I thought.

Thank you, Grandma.

Now look at you: bitchless.

"Sans bitch," as the French
in France would say.

I've had enough.
I'm going back upstairs.

GRANDDAD:
Tom.

Tom, when we first
let you stay here,

we thought it was only
gonna be temporary. But damn.

Tom, I just don't see
any end in sight.

It's only been two days.

n*gga, hush. You're living
under my roof now.

You're gonna get some help.

You know what?
I know a great therapist.

I'll make an appointment
today.

That...

also would have been
a good idea, but...

we've already paid
Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback

a retainer of $ .

Robert, you shouldn't have.

With your credit card.

Oh.
[?]

A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Did you
know that scientists now believe

that some people
are actually born

with a genetic predisposition

to bitch dependency, Tom?

And exactly when did you become
a relationship counselor?

Well, sharing
this pimp knowledge

for an exorbitant fee
is my way of giving

something back
to the community, Tom.

I want to help you,
Tom. I do.

But I need you to help me...

help you.

Huh.

"Help me help you. "
Yeah, okay.

Now... tell me, if you would,

about this bitch you have
an unhealthy dependency on.

Could we please
not call her a bi- Bi-?

Say it. "Bitch. " Yeah.
Bitch.

Uh, yes, we've gotta
call her that, Tom.

I'm sorry.
After what she's done,

not callin' her a bitch
would be disrespectful to you.

And I'm not able to do that.

Now please continue, Tom.

Well, my wife, Sarah...

I mean- She's the best
woman in the world.

We've had a great life
together until now.

[ELTON JOHN'S
"BLUE EYES" PLAYING]

♪ Blue eyes ♪

♪ Baby's got blue eyes ♪

♪ Like a deep blue sea ♪

♪ On a blue, blue day ♪

♪ Blue eyes ♪

A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK:
It sounds to me, Tom,

like some of the passion

has gone out of
your marriage.

And perhaps you're not providing
enough excitement for her.

It's a normal thing
in long-term relationships.

And you can help me fix it?

Hell no. I'm gonna help you
make that bitch behave.

She wants excitement, she can
take her ass to the movies.

[?]

Did you know that at least
percent of b*tches

suffer from some kind
of hearing loss?

This alarming statistic
means that more likely than not,

talking isn't
the most effective way

to communicate with a bitch.

That's when you
have to hit her.

Whoa. What?

You tell her what
you want her to do.

If she say, "No,"
hit the bitch. Simple.

But I- I couldn't
hit Sarah.

I couldn't hit any woman.

Has not hittin' a bitch
been working?

I mean,
scientifically speaking,

has not hittin' the bitch
achieved the desired results?

No way. I just...

I- I-I can't. I- I couldn't.

Tom.
I won't.

Tom, Take a deep breath.

It's okay. People have phobias.
[SIGHS]

Some n*gg*s can't
cross bridges,

you can't go upside
a bitch's head.

[?]
Okay. We can b*at this.

Tom, this is my bottom bitch,

Sweetest Taboo.

Now, she's gonna
help you learn how to

reestablish dominance
at home.

Hello. Heh.

Taboo will be playing
the role of your wife.

Now, approach Taboo,

grab her arm firmly

and command her
to leave with you.

Okay.

Sarah, get your behind...

Stop, stop. Say "bitch. "

Do I have to call her
a bitch, really?

Yes, Tom. You have to
call her a bitch.

Trust me on this one.

I've done the research.
Now, try again.

Bitch, get your behind...

Ass.

Bitch. Get your ass
in the car.

Kiss my ass, you little-d*ck,
f*gg*t m*therf*cker.

If you was any kind of real man,
I wouldn't be here

with Usher
in the first place!

Wait, hold on. I don't think
that's what Sarah would say.

It's now tragically obvious

that reasoning with the bitch

is not gonna work, Tom.

You have to hit her.

I am an assistant district
attorney, for chrissake.

Tom...

you have to get past this.

It's okay,
f*gg*t... really.

See, f*gg*t? She just
gave you permission.

Ah. My chin-
You see that?

Bitch is hittin' you.
All right, lady.

Okay- Ow!

You're definitely allowed
by law to hit her now, Tom.

It's self-defense.
I didn't do anything.

Okay? Sweetest Taboo,
you are in rare form.

[?]

This is my state-of-the-art
surveillance center.

Why does a pimp need
a surveillance center?

Included in your retainer fee

is state-of-the-art
bitch surveillance.

Quiet Storm here
has been monitoring

your wife's
conversations and e-mails.

Daddy, I've got transcripts
of all her conversations today.

No mention of Usher.

I'm hacking
into her e-mail now,

but, tsk, this computer
is running a bit slow.

Perhaps if we didn't
have dial-up.

Bitch, don't start with that

"we need another
computer" sh*t.

You say that sh*t every time
a new iMac comes out.

You ain't slick.
You better

make that G work, bitch,

and stop playin' with me.

Yes, Daddy.

Nothing in the e-mail.

Does she have a MySpace page?

MySpace?
[LAUGHS]

I don't think Sarah
would have a- Found it.

Huh.

Uh, since when did
she have a MySpace page?

You know what her password
might be?

Um. Gosh-golly, we-
We usually use

each other's middle names
as passwords,

so mine would be Lancaster.

That's L-A-N-
Got it.

Password is "Usher. "
Here we go.

Message to Usher.

They're getting together
at :

at the Woodcrest
Chateau Hotel.

That's in an hour.
We have to go.

You have to take me!

Tom, if you're not ready
to take control,

then going there won't help.

I say let the bitch go.

I paid you $ ,
and $ as well.

Now, Tom, I hope
you can appreciate

our no-refunds policy.

How about a complimentary date
with Sweetest Taboo?

No, no, no.

You're still on retainer,

and we're going now.

Ohh...

Now the n*gga can get
some bass in his voice.

Yeah, bitch. Let's go.

[QUIET STORM
TYPING]

[?]

TOM:
There they are.

[SIGHS]

Remember to hit the bitch.

Right.

Thank you so much for
doing that. I mean, you guys

just went above and beyond.

I mean, really-
[GASPS]

Sarah.

I mean, bitch...
[GASPS]

get your ass in the car.

[SCOFFS] Excuse me, Dolemite.

You heard me,
beyotch.

Tom, please calm down

and let me go.

[TOM GRUNTING]

Hey, look, man,
I think you should calm down.

[GRUNTS]

[SMACK] Ah!

The hell-?
TOM: You can't have my wife!

Tom!
[JAZMINE CRIES]

Daddy. What did you do
to Usher?

Jazmine?

[CRYING]
Daddy. Leave Usher alone.

What are you doing?

Why are you trying
to k*ll Usher?

Yes, Super Fly.
What did Usher ever do to you?

Jazmine wanted to meet Usher.

You're an animal.

Is Usher okay?

So you're not-?
No.

GUARD: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Easy, boys.

Ow!

Yeah, n*gga.

TOM:
Oh, okay. I see what this is.

SARAH:
Stop! Don't hurt him.

[ALL SHOUTING]
[YAWNS]

He didn't mean it.

He was trying to hit me.
[LAUGHS]

Tom! TOM: I've never
felt so much pain!

[CRYING] I'm sorry, Usher!

USHER: Shut the f*ck up, Tom.

[?]