03x13 - The Fried Chicken Flu

[bunniefuu]

RUCKUS:
My name is Uncle Ruckus,

and this is the story
of my relations.

I was born
under unusual circumstances.

It was the Fourth of July,
and I was told

it was a especially
good night to be born.

[BABY CRYING]
But that was some bullshit.

I came as soon as I heard.

What is it, doc?

There's no easy way
to put this.

That brown spot
on your child's arm,

It's a rare
and incurable skin disease.

It will spread
all over his body.

His skin will continue
to grow blacker and blacker

and blacker and even blacker
and more blacker and blacker

and then even blacker.

Talk in plain English!

I can't understand
what you're saying!

Eventually he will be
indistinguishable from...

a n*gro.

WOMAN: No!
Not that! Anything but that!

[BABY CRYING]

[***]

Hey, you!
What are you doing there?

Hey!

[BABY CRYING]

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

Come here, bitch.
Gimme some real quick.

You ain't said nothing so far
about my hair.

Because it ain't yours.
It is so mine.

I'm the first colored girl
you ever met with blonde hair,

and one day I'm gonna have eyes

as blue as the summer sky.

Bitch, you ain't never
in a million f*cking years

gonna have no blue eyes.

You're hairier
than a m*therf*cker too.

Your personality ain't much
to speak of either.

Your cooking ain't sh*t.
You ain't clean worth a damn.

Nasty bitch.

But I need somebody around here
that's gonna wash

the sh*t stains out my drawers,
so I guess you'll do.

But, Mister,
your mama hates me.

Mama ain't got much
more time left in her.

She gonna be dead
in a few seconds,

you watch and see.
I don't know.

Look, uh, why don't
we go for a walk

down by the swamp
and talk about it?

But what about the...?
Bitch, I said,

let's walk by the swamp!
Okay, okay.

Aunt Juju, tell Mama
I'll be right back.

[BABY CRYING]
Lord have mercy, what?

Who left this baby on my step?

BUNNY: Sweet Jesus.
I ought to cut this fucker.

No! This ain't
no regular baby.

It's a white baby.

It's the most beautiful
white baby

in the whole wide world.
White baby?

Aw, sh*t, that's all I need,

a g*dd*mn white-baby
kidnapping charge.

Bitch, put that thing down
before the police come.

No, wait, here's some money.
Somebody wanted us to take him.

[GASPS] sh*t.

Finding white babies might be
better than I thought.

BUNNY:
What's this? Some kind of
birthmark?

Don't look like
no birthmark I ever seen.

Who knows? I'm sure
it's nothing. Can we keep him?

Can we love him forever
and raise him to be

our own beautiful white child?

As husband and wife?

Fine, bitch.
Oh, thank you, Mister!

What should we name him?

MISTER:
Name it after my uncle.

BUNNY:
Okay.

Uncle Ruckus it is.

If the authorities come,
you going to jail.

I didn't know nothing
about this white baby sh*t.

* I am the stone
The builder refused *

* I am the visual
The inspiration *

* That made lady
Sing the blues *

* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *

* The same spark
That lights the dark *

* So that you can know
Left from right *

* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *

* The inner glow
That lets you know *

* To call your brother sun *

* The story that just begun *

* The promise
Of what's to come *

* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *

* Till the w*r is won
Won *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop *

RUCKUS:
I'll never forget the day
my grandmamma, Nellie Ruckus,

showed up at my house
after all them many years.

I'll never forget it
because it was a day

that scarred mefor the rest
of my natural born life.

[RUCKUS SCREAMING]

Ow! g*dd*mn it!

Oh, Uncle, it's you.
Nellie?

Nellie, is that you?

n*gga, I thought you was
a burglar.

A big, fat, funky, nasty,
stanky, black,

one-eyed
m*therf*cking burglar.

Why the f*ck
didn't you knock, n*gga?

You raggedy son of a bitch!
I live here.

You sass me again, boy,
and I'll cut you!

What are you doing here?

Uncle, I'm dying.

Doctor says it's gonna be
any day now.

And I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't die
in your father's house.

I... I haven't seen
or heard from you

since the day Daddy
threw me out years ago.

Yeah, so?
What's new with you?

Your daddy always used to say
you wouldn't amount to sh*t.

Do you even have a job?

I have jobs, actually.

Yeah, right. Is one
of those jobs the Unabomber?

And how am I supposed to die
in this f*cked-up chair?

No lumbar support. You want me
to die with back problems?

You raggedy m*therf*cker!

Hey, Robert, I just finished
re-tiling the roof.

You still need me to snake out
them toilets upstairs?

I can do it right now.

Only take me three, four hours.

Right now? I don't know.
It's getting late.

Hey, boys, I got an idea.

Why don't we turn
off all the lights,

I'll get under a sheet

and we can play Klan
and the Little Negroes.

Or how about you go on
a hot date

and I'll stay here and babysit
the little co*n kiddies.

All night.
Ruckus, are you trying

not to leave my house?

My Grandma Nellie
just showed up

and she's...
Well, I can't explain it.

I just can't go back.

Ruckus, everybody
got a messed-up family.

sh**t, look at the boys.

What?
No.

Mine is different.

[LAUGHING]

RUCKUS:
The re-vitaligo
spread rapidly

across my whole body.

Like that black symbiote

that turned Topher Grace
into Venom

in Spider-Man Part Three.

By the time I was
years old,

I was indistinguishable

from any other
African n*gro child.

MISTER:
Uncle! Uncle!

I'm coming, Mister!

[PANTING]

My adopted n*gro father
was a loser,

even by loser n*gro
standards.

Yes, Mister?

While you frolicking
in the damn fields,

frolic your ass to the store
and get me some beer, n*gga.

He was miserable
just for the sake

of being miserable.

But what I remember most

was his unwarranted hatred
of the white man.

g*dd*mn crackers.

Black man can't get ahead
for nothing.

I remember him
making me feel very ashamed

for my very own whiteness.

I hate all these white
m*therf*ckers.

But Mom, I'm white.

Daddy's just upset, baby,

because he's lazy
and the white man

makes him work hard.

I had two younger brothers:

my brother Darryl
and my other brother Darell.

But Mister always seemed
to single me out the worst.

[GASPS]

I would get beatings
for anything.

n*gga, did you just break
that vase?

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Lord have mercy!
My baby!

Just having fun was off limits
in Mister's house.

n*gga, did I just catch you
having fun?

[GRUNTS]

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Lord have mercy!
My baby!

[DOOR OPENS]
Every day he reminded me

of what a failure
I was going to be.

Mister, I wanna be a doctor
when I grow up.

n*gga, did I just catch you
wanting to be sh*t?

[GRUNTS]

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Lord have mercy!
My baby!

My darling adopted
n*gro mother,

who I loved almost
like she was white,

did the best she could.

Now don't you listen
to him, Uncle.

You ain't no worthless n*gga.

Deep down,
deep down in your heart,

you always have to believe
that you are special.

She made sure I knew
all my white history.

Mama, who's
George Washington Carver?

He's the man responsible

for more peanut allergy deaths
than anyone who ever lived.

Baby, why don't we read
aboutEli Whitney instead?

He invented the cotton gin.

He was a great white man.

Just like you.

Many a night I dreamed about

my biological father
returning to take me away

to white people land,
but it never happened.

[SIGHS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

When I thought it
couldn't get no worse,

my grandmamma showed up
at the doorstep.

I'm dying.

She was the only person

I ever met
more miserable than my daddy.

Ugh, look at you.

Didn't I tell you
you wasn't gonna be sh*t?

With your stupid ugly wife

and your stupid ugly childrens.

I can't wait to die so
I don't have to look

at your ugly black n*gga ass
no more. g*dd*mn it!

Aah! I can't take it
no more!

It was very shortly after that

my adopted father
threw me out of the house.

I ain't seen
none of them since.

Your story,
it's just so powerful.

And so sad.

Real, real sad.

I mean, I ain't gonna cry,

because that's gay, but...
But it is real sad.

But I don't know what to do.

I swear I can't go back home
with that woman there.

Please don't make me go.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[SCREAMS]

Oh, I get it.

You leave me in the shack

and you come
and hang out in here

in a fancy
m*therf*cking mansion.

Get out of my way, g*dd*mn it.

RUCKUS:
I'll get her out of here,
Robert,

I'll get her out of here.

Aw, sh*t,

now this is a dying chair,
right here.

No, no, no.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

That's my chair.
That's a living chair.

Oh, yeah, I might wanna
get buried

in this m*therf*cker
right here!

Grandma Nellie, please,

you can't die
in Robert's chair.

Let's go back home...

I don't wanna die
in that sh*t hole,

I want to die
in the fancy f*cking mansion.

I only get to do this once
and I'm gonna do it right.

RUCKUS:
Robert, you gotta help me.

You black, you understand
dysfunctional families.

Make her leave.
I can't.

She's my grandmother.
You can.

Hell, you're old enough
to be a grandmother.

NELLIE:
I don't know who'd wanna keep
living in this world.

Economy gone down
the damn toilet,

got disease, w*r, oil spills,
f*cking food shortages,

I bet people gonna start
eating each other.

They're probably gonna eat
them children first.

Flesh more tender.

Please, Robert, please.
She won't be too much hassle.

The doctor said she gonna
be dead any minute now.

No. She can't stay here,

and she definitely
can't die here.

On the front lawn maybe,
but not in the living room.

Now you make her leave
or I'm gonna make her leave.

I know what God really wants,
damn it.

He wants me to k*ll
my m*therf*cking self.

That's why he fucks with me.

That's why he gave me
a f*cked-up ass life.

But the joke's on him.
I ain't gonna give

that m*therf*cker
the satisfaction.

You make her leave.

n*gga, what the f*ck
do you want?

Ma'am, it is a pleasure
to meet you,

and I'm very, very sorry
about your impending demise,

but I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

Fucker, I'll leave
when I'm dead.

Ain't y'all got no food

in this raggedy piece
of sh*t fancy f*cking mansion?

Okay, that's enough.

I'm not playing around anymore.

I ain't scared of you, n*gga.

We can both die
in this house today.

She ain't gonna talk to me
like that in my house.

I ain't no punk.
Let me at her. Let me go.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, damn.
It's probably Mister.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Daddy?
Daddy is coming here?

I told him I was here.

And he talking about he wanna
come watch me die.

Ain't that a bitch?
Good. He can take your ass

out of here and watch you die

someplace else.
Nerve of that bitch

trying to pull a blade on me
in my house.

RUCKUS:
It was the first time seeing
my adopted family

in years.

My mother, Bunny Ruckus.

My brother, Darryl,
and my other brother, Darell.

And finally my father,
Mister Ruckus.

Is the bitch dead yet?

[***]

Okay, we here.

Now go ahead and die already.

You think you impatient?

I been waiting to die
since the day you was born,

you worthless bastard.

Guys, can't we do this
someplace else?

I ain't moving. First person
to lay a finger on me

is getting cut.
You know what?

You been talking that same
dying sh*t for years.

Now I ain't got all day.

Hurry up and die
so I can go back home.

Oh, if you got sh*t to do,
n*gga, leave.

I can die on my own,
g*dd*mn it.

No. I'm gonna make sure
you dead.

Then I'm gonna celebrate.

For the first time in my life,
I'm gonna be truly happy.

I'm gonna have some balloons

and some ice cream and cake
for your f*cking funeral.

Then I'm gonna put
some cement over your grave

so even if the dead
come back to life

like in them zombie movies,

your ass
ain't gonna be nowhere.

Look guys, enough is enough.

We shouldn't do this
in other people's houses.

Let's go.
Come on, Nellie.

Aah! Oh, my God!

[ALL GASP]

BUNNY: Lord have mercy! My baby!
Oh, man.

BUNNY:
Oh, I can't tell you
how nice it is

to see all of my boys
under one roof.

Oh, white God is good,
ain't he?

We got so much catching up
to do.

Now, Uncle, did you know
that Darryl is an accountant

for a white finance company

and just got a promotion
from his white boss?

Ooh, isn't that amazing?

That's, wonderful, Darryl.

A white man promoted you.
Congratulations.

Oh, it's really not
that big a deal.

And Darell here owns
his very own motorcycle shop,

and he's married
to a white woman.

Oh, she's the most
beautifulest white woman

you've ever seen.

And she has his name tattooed

right here on her white titty.

Heh-heh.
Mama, that's personal.

I can't believe it.

My own brother
with his name tattooed

across a white woman's
milk gland.

Congratulations.

Speaking of accomplishments,
what'd you accomplish, boy?

Hush, Mister.
I'm proud of Uncle.

He lives
in this beautiful neighborhood

around some lovely
white people.

He live in a shack
on the outskirts of town.

He works hard.

And still ain't got sh*t,

and ain't never
gonna have sh*t.

You know what that
makes you? A Mexican.

Is that what you've accomplished
with your life, boy?

Being a Mexican?

You ain't even gotta speak
English to be a Mexican.

Whose fault is it you
a professional Mexican?

Is that my fault?
He's not a Mexican.

He's our son.

You always treated me
different.

You never loved me because...

Because...
Because I am adopted.

[LAUGHING]

Adopted? Boy you still
believe that sh*t?

g*dd*mn it, how old are you?

Mister, stop.
You still believe you got...

What was that called?
What'd you call it?

Uh, "re-vitaligo"?

Daddy, come on.
That's enough.

He does have re-vitaligo.

You ever heard of anybody else
having re-vitaligo?

Your mama made
that sh*t up, boy.

She thought it'd be good
for your self-esteem

if you believed deep down
you was white.

That's why they shouldn't
let dumb b*tches

read psychology books.
That's not true.

We found you
on the doorstep. I swear.

I don't hate you
because you adopted.

I hate you
because knocking up your mama

k*lled my chances of me
ever experiencing

a single moment
of happiness or joy

for the rest of my damn life.

Baby, don't listen to him.

After that, it was more

and more hungry
n*gg*s' mouths to feed.

All my big plans
gone right down the shitter.

I worked my life away
for these damn crackers,

still couldn't make
my ends meet.

Mister, now you leave
the white man out of this.

Shut your ass up, Bunny.

I'm sick of you talking
about that g*dd*mn

white man all the time.

Name one of them who ever
did sh*t for any of you.

Huh? Can't do it,
can you?

Look at what you did.

All my kids
is some damn Uncle Toms.

And you the worst.

A black fool who hates
hisself so much

he can't even see what's
in front of him in the mirror.

Just another black n*gga
like the rest of us.

[SOBBING] I hate you!

You're the reason why
after I say the name "Ruckus,"

I always say,
"No relation."

I am adopted, I am adopted!

[CRYING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

It's a shame we don't all get
together more often.

Well, there's got to be
some way

to get these people
out of my house. Wait,

what about hounds?
Can we release some hounds that,

you know, chase them away?
That's legal, right?

Riley, Google "hounds."

[SOBBING]

Ruckus, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He... He just said something.

He said something terrible.
He said I wasn't adopted.

Adopted?
n*gga, you ain't...

Well, I'm sure he was just

trying to push your buttons.

Oh. Yeah, you right,
you right.

I mean, of course
I'm adopted, heh.

Hell, we don't even look
nothing alike, heh.

I'm sorry, boys, this must be
confusing for y'all.

I know you think
of your old Uncle Ruckus

as a pillar of strength
and confidence.

Look, Uncle Ruckus,
we know what it's like

to have an abusive
parental figure.

To suffer the mental
and physical abuse.

Hey. This ain't about me.
Leave that alone.

The endless work.
"Clean up your room,

take out the trash,
do your homework."

Always walking on eggshells,

wondering when the next
whooping gonna come.

Aah!
Oh, I'll never forget the day.

The day he threw me out.

The day
that changed everything.

[BUNNY SCREAMING]

No!

No! No!

[SCREAMING]
[CRYING]

[YELLING]

[CRYING]

Someone was supposed
to put that away.

[SCREAMING]

He stepped in a animal trap.

[GRUNTING]

Ooh, that's leaded paint.

Ooh.
No. We'll have to presoak that

or it won't come out!

[BUNNY SCREAMING]

Damn n*gga.
Out, I say.

Get out. You lazy,
worthless n*gga.

Stop it!

Why? Why?

Why?

[ALL SOBBING]

That's so unbelievably sad.

That's like,
Academy Award-nominated sad.

Man, I ain't crying because
of the story.

I got allergies.

But that was pretty sad.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Huh?

[***]

DARRYL:
Uncle.

She gone.

In my living room?

Oh, no!

RILEY:
Ugh!

In my living chair?
Oh, no!

Huey, get my chainsaw.

MISTER:
Where we going?

DARRYL:
Back to the hotel, Daddy.

Already?
Let's keep partying.

She's finally dead.

It's not true, is it?
What Mister said?

You know you can't listen
to that black fool.

Your daddy's just miserable

because he never learned
to love the white man.

Mark my words,
he's gonna end up

just like his mama.

Just be happy
you're adopted, son.

We darkies are a mess.

MISTER:
Bunny, get the molasses
out your ass and come on.

RUCKUS:
On Thursdays between
a.m. and a.m.,

I dig graves.

The family decided
it was best

to bury Nellie Ruckus
here in Woodcrest.

That was on account
of the generous

percent discount offered
to employees such as myself.

Mind if we help?

Don't seem like this
should be all on you.

[CHUCKLES]

[ALL LAUGHING]

That's a good one, Darryl.

Good one too, Darell.

You did always seem
to get it the worst, Uncle.

What I never could understand

was how the man
got to be so hateful.

So mad at the world
for no reason.

Look, nothing excuses
what Mister did to us

growing up, but as we got older
we saw things.

The white folks
Mister worked for,

well, they didn't always
treat him very well.

No. That's crazy talk.

No, Uncle. It's true.

Every time Mister
went out into the world,

the white man took
a little more of his dignity.

And his sanity.
And his humanity.

He served white folks
his whole life.

Aah!

He was even worked
at the police department

as a practice dummy.

[SCREAMING]
[WHISTLING]

[BLOWS LANDING] Aah!

DARRYL:
Sometimes they would
just abuse him for no reason.

Good job, boy.

[SCREAMS]

[***]

[SIGHS]

[CRYING]

Well,
he must've done something.

It just ain't
in the white man's nature

to act cruel for no reason.

Sometimes I think

him being so hard on us
was his misguided way

to try and toughen us up
for a tough world.

I can't believe you made us

get dressed up for this,
Granddad.

The earlier parts
were just so moving.

I have to see how
this tragic story ends.

Nellie had a statement
that she wanted read today.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"For the last six decades
of my miserable life,

"I had only two wishes.

"The first was to die.

"The second was that
my only son, Mister,

"would somehow reach
the grave before me.

"While I am obviously
disappointed

"that this didn't happen,
and I curse him

"from the grave,
I'm still pretty happy

to be dead."

Ha-ha. That was beautiful,
thank you.

However, I get the last word
because I'm alive, bitch.

And a round of applause
for my son Uncle,

for the fine job he did
digging the grave.

It's okay, boy. I had
some shitty jobs in my day.

Course, that was back
in Jim Crow.

Now how you gonna be a failure
in the st century

with a n*gga in the White House
is beyond me.

Dad, that's enough.
DARELL: Dad, please.

No, no, that's okay.

Keep talking.
Keep talking, Daddy.

That's the eulogy
this old woman deserves.

Oh, she did this to you.

And now you doing it to me.

You been doing it
our whole lives.

And it's getting old.

It's getting real old, old man.

So get it out your system,

then sit down
and shut the f*ck up!

[ALL GASPING]

Oh, sh*t.

Boy, what did you say to me?

Uh, what part in particular?

I'll show you
what part in particular.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[YELLS]

My back.
It's my old injury.

[SCREAMS]

[GROANING]

Oh, Mister, Mister!

[***]

He's dead.

Well, I guess Grandma Nellie
got her wish.

Yes. Now I can marry
my white lover.

If only Mister
had lived long enough

to love the white man too.

I never thought I'd say this,

but our family isn't
as messed up as I thought.

I feel great.

I saw a story
that moved me emotionally.

Yeah, me too.
I'd hate to be them.

And I've learned my lesson.

I see I been too soft
on you guys all this time.

From now on I'm really
gonna let you have it.

I'm fitting to give y'all

some of them good old-fashion
country beatings.

Come here.
[RILEY LAUGHS]

RILEY:
Stop it, Granddad.

You crazy.
GRANDDAD: I'm gonna hit you

with a switch
or something bigger

than a switch,
like some firewood.

Or throw you out
into the fields.

Or push you out
of a moving car.

RILEY:
Ha-ha! I'll push you out
of the car, Granddad.

Why you ain't laughing, Huey?

DARELL:
See you soon, Ruckus.

You was a sight for sore eyes.

Take care of yourself, Uncle.

Bye, Darryl.
Bye, Darell.

Hug your white wife for me.

Bye, Mama.
Bye, Mama's white lover.

Bye, Uncle.
Bless you. Bye-bye.

RUCKUS:
It's hard to escape
becoming your parents.

Hard, but not impossible.

Hopefully it's easier

when they're
your adopted parents.

I hadn't realized before

how much my hatred
of the n*gro

came from
my hatred of Mister.

Maybe it was time
to stop hating n*gg*s

for being black,
and start having sympathy

for them, for being
hopelessly inferior

to white folks.

But as far as darkies go,

my adopted family
is all right.

[***]