04x07 - Date of Emergency

[bunniefuu]

♪

Okay, "a" plus "b" equals...
"c" ya later, homework!

Good day, m'lady.

Gideon.

If you're coming over
to talk about dating me

or my mother,
please move along.

Goodbye, m'lady.

Oh, look, you're doing
the math homework.

[phone camera clicks]

It's nice to have
my own personal nerd.

Max, stuff like that
makes me wonder

if you're really over
your evil phase.

Allison, I've told
you a hundred times.

Why can't you trust me?

'Cause you were the only
ten-time cover model

of "Evil Teen" magazine?

Look, I've changed.

I am no longer evil.

And I was on that
cover times.

Hey, you guys.
We have an announcement.

Oyster asked me out.

We're a couple!

Cue the screams.

OTHERS:
[screaming]

What? Why should
I hide my jewelry?

I'm so happy for you guys.
Come, sit!

Whoa!
[heavy thud]

Oops.

Ow, heh-heh.

Guess these booths
are kinda small.

Um, no worries.
I'll go grab a chair.

CHERRY: Should we tell them
the best part about our dating?

- OYSTER: Oh, you tell 'em.
- CHERRY: No, you tell 'em.

Okay, the best part is
our new name is Choyster!

Get it? I matched "Cherry"
and "Oyster" together.

Way better than mine...
Cheroystererry.

Hey, if you guys
are Choyster, that makes us...

Mallison!
MAX: Oh?

We should totally
double-date some time.

What are you guys
doing tomorrow night?

CHERRY, OYSTER, MAX, ALLISON:
[chattering]

Would you look
at the time.

Um, it's half-past
I don't belong here anymore.

Uh...

so, I'll just, uh, excuse myself
before this gets awkward.

OTHERS:
[continue chattering]

♪

Okay, here's another
doggie, Chloe.

This dog is
missing a leg.

It's way better
than my worm.

You're holding
it upside down.

Oh, now I see it.

Kids, your cousin Blobbin
is coming over for dinner.

It's time to get ready.

Honey, are you still
upset about your friends?

It's gotten
even worse, Mom.

They entered a doubles
tennis tournament

on tandem bikes
and then rode them

to get double-scoop
ice cream. Look.

I've seen those.

I follow Choyster
and Mallison on Chirper.

Now my options are to either
miss out on everything,

or tag along and be
a fifth wheel.

Yeah.

I mean, literally,
I tried to catch up

with them on a unicycle.

I know. I also follow
Unicycle Fails on Chirper.

Honey, you're gonna be fine.

Just take the time to
focus on yourself and...

whatever this is.

Or...

I'll focus on making
a balloon boyfriend.

Choyster, Mallison,
prepare to meet...

Ballonbe!

Hey, I'm actually getting
pretty good at this.

"You sure are, Phoebe.
I'd never ditch you."

What? I wasn't
doing anything weird!

What have you guys
been up to?

Oh, we just went
couples' beekeeping.

We collected honey
with our honeys.

Bae, make me the luckiest
broseph in the world

and take a photo of me at
the Heart Tree tomorrow.

Yes, I will, Choyster!

No, Choyster is
a mixture of the bo...

Never mind.

Oyster, you're so sweet.

Hey, Max, how come
we've never done that?

Because I used
to be evil.

What's your excuse now?

I just don't wanna.

You will go
if you wanna prove to me

that you're not
evil anymore.

Or we can go to
the Break-up Tree.

Is that real?

You wanna find out?

Heart Tree,
here we come.

Oh, sweetcious!

But we've gotta be ready.

Crazy Farmer Ted doesn't like
kids trespassing on his farm

to get to the Heart Tree.

So, he booby-trapped
the whole place.

Rumor has it,
if he catches you,

he'll feed you to
his man-eating pigs.

[oinking]

Wow! Friends, fun,
and the possibility

of Max being eaten by
a man-eating pig?

I am in!

You're coming to
the Heart Tree? With who?

Phoebe, do you
have a new bae?

- I mean, yeah.
- Oh, not more screams.

OTHERS: [screaming]

- I can't wait to meet him.
- PHOEBE: Ha. Ha.

Me, neither.

♪

♪ What you see ♪

♪ Is not what you get ♪

♪ Livin' our lives
with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in ♪

♪ Bet you never guessed ♪

♪ 'Cause we're
livin' our lives ♪

♪ Just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture
perfect family ♪

♪ Is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer,
you might see ♪

♪ The crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't
make believe ♪

♪ It's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family ♪

♪ Trying to be normal
and stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Livin' a double life ♪♪

♪

...and when I woke up,
we were somewhere over Guam.

[laughing]

That's the last time I let
my dog fly my helicopter.

[laughs]

It's even funnier
the fifth time you tell it.

Speaking of time,
I bet you need to get going.

Oh, yeah, we know how
you trillionaires

have other places to be
that aren't here.

Actually, I have
nowhere to be.

HANK:
Oh...

I'm out. My baby
has to go night-night.

Oh, she's so cute, Chloe.

May I see her?

Oh, I bet she has
a nice little bed,

with a nice, big dollhouse.

And a nice roof over
her pretty little head.

[sobbing]

Uh, are you okay,
Blobbin?

[sobbing]
No, I'm not okay!

I lost all my money.

I wanted to fit my entire
fortune into my wallet.

So, I cashed everything
for a trillion dollar bill.

But then I lost my wallet.
[sobbing]

I have no money
and nowhere to go.

Unless I can stay here?

Ho, ho, I don't think
that's a great idea.

[sobbing]

Okay, okay, you can
stay in the yard.

[sobbing loudly]

- The garage.
- [sobbing loudly]

All right, fine,
the house.

Okay, but only
because you begged.

Speaking of begging...
[laughing]

Doggin, they said
we can stay!

Great! Now we have two
houseguests that slobber.

♪

You know, I've always
felt we had,

like, a special
connection.

I move here yesterday.

It was an instant
connection.

So, uh, are you gonna go
to the Heart Tree with me?

Crazy Farmer Ted's
Heart Tree?

Coward!

Hey, Phoebe, that guy who
ran away from you in fear...

That's your new boyfriend?
[laughing]

Please don't tell Allison
I was mean to you.

Hey, Micah.
You, me, Heart Tree?

No!

I wanna live!

Dang it. Isn't there one
boy in this school

who's desperate enough to risk
his life for a date with me?

Good day, m'lady.

Good day, m'Gideon.

♪

Blobbin is the worst
houseguest in the world.

He keeps ruining our stuff.

We had to replace our
toothbrushes, robes,

Nora's beach ball and...

What'd he do to
my beach ball?

[laughing]
Oooh, you do not wanna know.

So what if Blobbin
messes up our stuff

and Doggin farts a lot.

So many farts.

I'm with Billy.

Blobbin's not that bad.

[high-energy
music playing]

What a great Blob-kwon-do
workout, right, Doggin?

[Doggin barks]

[martial arts shouting]

Ah!
[glass shatters]

[barking]

He k*lled our TV.
He's gotta go.

Nora's right. It's time
to ask him to leave.

You're making a mistake,
knuckleheads.

What are you doing
out here, Colosso?

Who do you think
fertilizes your flowers?

Now, listen, you're all about
to fail the rich guy test.

What test?

Blobbin's not broke.

He wants to see if you'd
still care about him,

even if he had no money.

And if you pass, he'll
share his riches with you.

The rich guy test.

I saw it in
a cartoon once.

His story checks out.

It did seem weird that he
cashed in all his money

for a trillion dollar bill.

If Colosso's right
about this,

then we could
buy a new TV.

Nora, Blobbin's
a trillionaire.

We could buy two TVs.

Show me the money, baby!

Okay, let's get in there

and show Blobbin
how much we love him.

I'm not sure
how this happened.

That's fine, Blobbin.

Give us a hug!
Okay!

[object shatters]

- BARB: Ohhhh...
- NORA: Oh!

PHOEBE:
[laughs]

Max, what ya doin'?

I'm gonna use these night
vision goggles to scope out

booby-traps and lead us
safely to the Heart Tree.

[garbage can clattering]

Technically,
that was not a booby-trap.

Phoebe, when's your
new bae getting here?

Howdy, boo!

OTHERS:
Gideon?

Yep, I recently realized

that Gideon would
do anything for me,

and that's the kinda guy that
I really, really needed.

Oh, my gosh,
you're Gidephoebedeon.

That's right and we're gonna
have the best night ever.

Achoo!

My sinuses are exploding!

He's even more
pitiful in night vision.

I've gotta say... for
a booby-trapped farm,

owned by a deranged old man,
this isn't so bad.

It's what you don't see
that should scare you.

Duck!
OTHERS: [gasping]

See? I told you
I've changed.

The evil Max would let you all
take a tire to the face.

Follow me.

[owl hooting]

Look at all of us
hanging out together,

just us couples,
a nice even number of wheels.

Actually, I think your wheel's
lookin' a little wobbly.

[groaning]

I'm sure he's fine.

Help me, boo!

Go ahead, Gidephoebedeon
will catch up with you guys.

Dude, why didn't you tell me
you were allergic to everything?

I wanted to be mysterious.

You can do it. Put one foot
in front of the other and...

[rope whipping]

get caught in a booby-trap.
[blows hair]

The good news
is I'm so scared,

my allergies have
cleared up.

Awesome. That means you'll
be nice and snot-free...

when the pigs eat us!

Oh, we've gotta find a way
to get off this fence,

and catch up with everybody
before Farmer Ted finds us.

Hey, is that a possum?
I hope not. I'm allergic.

[blowing frosty air]

Besides, the only beady-eyed
creature I wanna look at is you.

Thanks?

Okay, I may not be
smooth with my words,

but I am smooth
with my beats.

[beatboxing,
sputtering]

Why did I pop
my balloon boyfriend?

[owl hooting]

MAX: All right,
there's the Heart Tree.

It's amazing.

This'll be way better
than the selfie

we took at Butt Creek.

You know, they really
shouldn't let people swim there.

- Let's do this.
- [quiet click]

- ALLISON: [gasps]
- OYSTER: Oh!

Thanks, Max.

I'd never let a lady
get hit with cow poop.

[laughs] Hey,
maybe it hit Phoebe.

Phoebe?

She went back a while
ago to help Gideon.

She said they
would catch up.

Huh.

Something's not right.

I know. That cow
poop was humongous.

What are they feeding
these things?

No, I mean Phoebe
should be here by now.

I've gotta go back.
I'm worried about her.

Really? A minute ago,
you were hoping

she got hit with
a flying turd.

'Cause that's funny.

- Okay, it is kinda funny.
- MAX: [laughs]

But it's also evil,

like pretending you wanna
take a Heart Tree selfie,

and then bailing
at the last second.

Okay, fine. Follow me
and you'll see I'm right.

Plus, I am the only one who
knows how to get outta here.

[garbage can clattering]

Why don't these things
see garbage cans?!

♪

Time to get rid
of these bunions.

[lasers zapping]
BLOBBIN: [laughing]

I got your favorite...
Jelly beans!

Oh, yay!
[clapping hands]

Jelly beans!
[chomping]

I don't wanna
seem ungrateful,

but why are you guys
being so nice to me?

- Money.
- HANK: [laughing]

What he means is we feel bad
that you lost all your money.

Not that it
matters to us

because we love you
whether or not you're rich.

BLOBBIN:
Oh...

That goes double
for me, ma dawg.

Dogs share everything.
Am I right?

- [Doggin farts]
- Ugh!

Smells like roses.

I'm just glad you're
not annoyed with me

for overstaying my welcome...
[laughing]

and for what I did
to your car.

That's fine, Blobbin.

We just wanna do
what makes you happy.

So, you'll do
anything I ask?

ALL:
Anything.

Well, in that case,
how about some nice, relaxing...

Blob-kwon-do!

Looking good, fam.

Five, six, seven, eight...

kick and shimmy
and punch and...

- [heavy thud]
- BARB: [screaming]

I'm okay.

Still love you, Blobbin.

Chicka, chicka, chicka!
[fluttering lips]

Now to spit
some romantic rhymes.

Dude, I think you've
spit enough for one night.

Aha! I knew you guys
got yourselves trapped.

- Max, you came back for us.
- We're saved, boo.

Some day we'll tell this
story to our little "Giddies."

ALLISON: Max, get those
dimples back here!

Oh, they are in trouble.

That's right and you
didn't believe me.

Bet you feel pretty silly.

[lever clicks]

CHERRY:
[gasps]

[heavy thud]

Now we all feel
pretty silly.

Okay, don't panic.

We just need to get
out of here before...

[pigs oinking]

- And cue terrified screams.
- [screaming]

And three and four
and chop, chop, chop!

Three and four and chop,
chop, chop!

Feel that burn,
you guys?

I can't feel anything.

My bad.
[laughs]

Sometimes I "pop"
when I should "shimmy."

But I have
something special

that's gonna make you
feel like a million bucks.

I bet it's
a million bucks.

Yes, we passed
the rich guy test.

You're welcome, dummies.

You know,
when I first got rich,

it was hard to tell if people
were being nice to me

just 'cause they
wanted money.

But I know you're
being nice to me

because you truly love me.

Oh, you truly, truly,
truly, truly love me.

Truly.

Why does almost being
rich feel so terrible?

Because we're awful people.

And, plus, we probably
have internal injuries.

To show my appreciation,

I would like to
present you with...

Blobbin, wait!

We have to tell
you the truth.

Don't you do it!

We only did
those sweet things

because we thought
you'd give us money.

You did it.

We should have been nice
because you're family,

not because you're rich.

But I'm not rich.

I told you,
I lost my wallet

with a trillion dollar
bill inside.

Then what were you
about to give us?

I fixed your
family portrait.

BARB:
Oh.

So, there's no such thing
as a rich guy test?

I let that dog give me
a tongue bath for nothin'?

[growling]

We're sorry, Blobbin.

Oh, lucky for you my other
superpower is forgiveness.

I still love you guys.

Oh, we love you, too.

And even if you
did have money,

we'd never ever even
consider taking it.

- [Doggin barfs]
- [object splats]

[Doggin woofs]

Cool, Doggin barfed.

My wallet!

[gasps]
Doggin, you ate it.

- [gasps]
- Your trillion dollar bill!

Blobbin, you're rich again.
Oh, I totally am!

But don't worry,
I'll honor your wish

and never ever give
you a dime of my money.

That's fine, Blobbin.
Right, Hank?

[sobbing]
Yeah.

These are tears of joy.
[sobbing]

♪

[pigs oinking]

Guys, it was my allergies
that led to this.

When the pigs come,
let them eat me first.

- Cool.
- Works for me.

- Sounds good.
- You got it.

With any luck,
they'll choke on my bones

and spare my beloved Phoebe.

Your only crime was
falling for a bad boy.

All right, Gideon...

I may have actually committed
a few other crimes tonight.

I only pretended
I wanted to date you,

so I could come out
with these guys tonight.

- What?
- I know, I know, it's horrible.

I just... I didn't
wanna be a fifth wheel.

I really missed hanging
out with my friends.

Aw, Phoebe, we didn't even
realize we were leaving you out.

I did.

You were taking advantage
of my feelings?

Well, that's okay,

'cause I was taking
advantage of yours, too.

I was only dating
you to get close to...

- Don't you dare!
- ...your mom.

We're gonna stop
talking immediately.

[pigs oinking]

Oh, no, here comes Farmer Ted
and his man-eating pigs!

- [pigs oinking]
- [corn rustling]

Hey, kids!

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry
I was a stinker

and caught you up
in my booby-traps.

Couples who come take
pictures of the Heart Tree

never stop and say hi.

Hi!!!

ALL: Hi.

Ooh, doggies, now that's
what I'm talkin' about.

Wait, so you're not gonna feed
us to your man-eating pigs?

Oh, heck, no.
I don't even have any pigs.

No, just some cows
on a high-fiber diet.

That explains the poop.

But we heard pigs.

Yeah. No, that was me.

Yeah, I do enjoy
doing pig impressions.

[clears throat]

[oinking, snorting]

[laughing]

See, that there, that was
a Wisconsin pot-belly.

Oh, that is so impressive.
Can you do teacup pigs?

Oh, sure, sure.

Now the trick is to be real
teeny with your voice.

Hey, pig pal,
can we wrap this up?

Right. Sorry.

Um, Farmer Ted, could you
free me and my friends?

And her mom's
future boyfriend?

You can free him last.

♪

[phone camera clicks]

There you go.
Proof I am no longer evil.

I knew you weren't evil
the moment you helped Phoebe.

You actually seemed
concerned for her.

I know.
It's a new feeling.

I hope it goes away.

Let's head back.

[metal clanks]

Oh, no, we're trapped.

Why would he put
one out here?

[laughing] Couples
who come to the Heart Tree

never stop and say bye.

Bye!!!

Oh, ho.
[laughing]

[continues laughing]

BOTH:
Bye?

♪