3x01 - Everyone

[bunniefuu]

A boy, Freddie, is on a skate board. He receives a texto. "We smock your last spliff"

FREDDIE: f*ckers.

He joins his friends, Cook & JJ.

COOK: Fredster! This stuff is f*cking rubbish, by the way.

FREDDIE: Stop stealing my f*cking spliff! Morning, gents, you thieving bastards.

COOK: Come on, I got you some breakfast.

FREDDIE: They allowed to serve lager at 8 in the morning?

COOK: I had a word... JJ's got some interesting thoughts on the benefits of Carlsberg as part of a balanced dietary pattern.

FREDDIE: Yeah?

JJ: Calorifically it's right up there with 392 energy units, which is nothing on the Snickers Duo I'm having which has the additional drawback of 28 grams of fat. Although I can call upon 1.2 grams of fibre, which doesn't feature in your lager. But you could argue in some sense that hops constitute one of your five a day.

FREDDIE: That'll do me.

COOK: You not having that, Freds?

He takes the beer.

JJ: That's his fourth so far.

FREDDIE: Is that a good idea? We've college in half an hour.

JJ: You'll be carrying an attention deficit into the day.

FREDDIE: Attention deficit? Intelligence deficit!

JJ: Pig!

COOK: Well, maybe I won't go then.

FREDDIE: You're going to bunk off your first day?

COOK: Freddie, mate, the sun's shining.vWe're bevvied,vspliffed and sorted. Feels like the beginning of something.vSo I'm waiting.

FREDDIE: For what?

COOK: The signal.

FREDDIE: We're starting college, Cook.

COOK: No, we're waiting. Something's gotta start us off.

JJ: You're running a randomised fate model to see if you continue in full time education?

COOK: I need motivation. And it needs to be better than sitting in the sun, with you two, drinking beers and smoking your blow. Jensie! Have the same again? And sling a couple of them cherry sh*ts on top? Cheers, darling. Yes, I can feel it! It's got potential, this day. It's pregnant.

JJ: Shouldn't someone pick up that bike before it causes an...?

A car collides a border. It's Mr Stonem's car, and he's verry angry.

MR STONEM: For f*ck's sake! Jesus sh*t!Where the f*ck did that...?! What the f*ck?! Oh! Look at it! Look at it! Look at my f*cking car! You saw that, didn't you? Did you!? Did you see it?!

OLD WOMAN: I don't know. You drove into the bollard.

MR STONEM: I did not! The f*cking bike jumped out in front of me! You must have seen it, you're my witness, right? Are you blind? Why is everyone round here f*cking blind?

Effy, in the car, looks at the boys.

JJ: That girl's looking at you, Freddie.

FREDDIE: Yeah.

JJ: Maybe she's looking at me.

FREDDIE: She's not looking at you, JJ.

JJ: OK. Nice hair.

FREDDIE: Yeah.

JJ: She's got nice hair and nice eyes. And nice breasts, probably.

FREDDIE: Shut up, JJ.

JJ: Nipples. We'll just imagine her bottom.

MR STONEM: Where's your f*cking white stick, woman?

JJ: She's absolutely lovely.

MR STONEM: You are as stupid as you look! Ah, for f*ck... I want your mobile number.

OLD WOMAN: I don't have one.

MR STONEM: Your f*cking email address, then! Look at the state of my f*cking car! You must have seen something, you demented bint!

Cook joins Mr Stonem. Freddie understands that he used some ketchup as some blood.

COOK: What... What happened?

MR STONEM: Is that your bike, you f*cking idiot?!

COOK: I was signalling... you just kept coming...

MR STONEM: I didn't even see you! You came out of f*cking nowhere!

COOK: I was trying to make you see me. You just kept coming, man!

MR STONEM: No. That's bollocks. No. Listen!

COOK: You f*cked my bike. You just ran straight through me.

MR STONEM: That is not right! You haven't got a witness. Nobody saw me knock you off your bike.

OLD WOMAN: I did. It was just like he said! You ran him over, and now he's bleeding.

COOK: Profusely. Perhaps we should call a policeman. I think it's a crime to leave the scene of a...

MR STONEM: There's no need for that. I'm sure we can sort this out. Let me buy you a new bike... Look, here. Come on, take it!

He gives some money.

MR STONEM: Take it! Come on, have the lot. Have the whole f*cking lot! Oh, bollocks! Forgive and forget, OK? Forgive and forget, OK? OK?! All right.

BOY: Everything all right, Gran?

OLD WOMAN: Oh, yes. Just a slight problem, all sorted out now. Yes. He's a pillock, he wrapped his car around that bollard, and he's called me a demented bint.

BOY: What the f*ck did you say to my Gran, man?

MR STONEM: Hello, nice to meet you...

BOY: Don't f*cking, "Hello," me...

Effy joins Cook. She takes some ketchup on her finger, puts it in the mouth.

EFFY: Sweet.

She leaves at the high school.

JJ: Dad says some things are best left to the imagination. But that's not right, is it?

COOK: Your dad's a stupid tosser, JJ.

JJ: Yes. Do you think she's going where we're going?

COOK: She is now.

In a house. A girl in her bedroom chooses her clothes. She goes out and sees her brother looking by the lock of a door. She hit him.

BROTHER: Aarrgh! Mum! Mum! Emily hit me! Aargh!

MOTHER: Emily? Are you hitting James?

EMILY: Sorry! Accident...

JAMES: Argh! That was my bloody widdler!

EMILY: Shut up or I'll tell her what you were doing.

JAMES: I've got a natural curiosity for a boy of my age.

EMILY: f*ck off. And I know it's you stealing the knickers. They better not be sticky when I find them.

She knock at the bathroom's door.

EMILY: Get the f*ck out of there, bitch! Mum! Mum!

MOTHER: Who?

EMILY: It's me, Emily. Tell her to get out of the shower. She's making me late for college.

MOTHER: Gotta dash. Remember to make a packed lunch for James. No!

EMILY: Why don't you get Katie to...?

MOTHER: Good luck at college. Remember to smile.

EMILY: f*cking hell!

Her twin, Katie, goes out the bathroom.

EMILY: You've used all the f*cking water! Jesus! sh*t ! Oh, for f*ck's sake! You pervy little bastard.

JAMES: Ow... Ow! Mum!

EMILY: She's gone to work, loser.

She returns in her bedroom, with Katie.

EMILY: f*cking hell. How many times are you gonna do that? I need to wash my hair and you've...

Katie wears Emily's clothes.

KATIE: I knew this top would look f*cking bad-ass.

EMILY: It's mine.

KATIE: Yeah. Aren't you glad I made you buy it? Get dressed, though. We're gonna be late. I dunno where you got this thong, but it's properly cutting me in half.

EMILY: You could give it back.

KATIE: Sorry. You know it doesn't look as good on you. Oh, there's Danny. Hey, cutey! I'm just coming. Hooo! I'm telling you, college? First day? You need to get ready. Cos we're not waiting for you.

Danny, her boyfriend, wait in his car.

JAMES: What about my packed lunch?

EMILY: f*ck off.

JAMES: You shave your fanny with Dad's Gillette Mach3.

In the car.

DANNY: So Tommo goes up the inside, right? I drop back to cover Marco and Keeno. Took a one-two from Jonno, he's gone, "Danno!" So I drag back over the ball. Looked up, chipped the centre back... Boff! Sambo's in on goal.

KATIE: Sambo?

DANNY: He's got a lovely sense of rhythm. Whoa! Where's your knickers, girl?

KATIE: That's for me to know and you to find out, Danny.

DANNY: Nice one! Nice one, yeah?

KATIE: Score one for me, honey.

Front of the high school.

DANNY: Laters, babe.

EMILY:See you, Danny.

DANNY: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Renault Megane Coupe!

EMILY: f*cking bag...

DANNY: Here, Ems? Ems?

EMILY: Yeah?

DANNY: You oughta spruce up, yeah? Get some decent threads like Katie. We're having a party in the Premier Travel Lodge on Thursday. Party fun, yeah? The lads, they love a twin thing, you know?

EMILY: That's sweet of you, Danny. Can I get back to you on that?

DANNY: Yeah, yeah. Nice one.

A GIRL: Are you Danny? That gas-head footy player?

DANNY: Yup...

A GIRL: My mate Janice wants you to sign her tits.

DANNY: Let me park up.

A GIRL: Your boyfriend's well mint.

KATIE: Yeah. He's totally fit. He took me to the Stakis Grand last week for surf, turf and sh*ts.

A GIRL: Oooh. I love Danny Guillermo. Wow.

A GIRL: Safe.

A GIRL: Lush.

A GIRL: Foxy.

A GIRL: Oh, yeah, cute.

A GIRL: He's signing Samantha's tits!

PANDORA: Bonkers! What's surf and turf, Eff?

EFFY: Sex.

PANDORA: Wow! We'll have a whizzer time at this college, Eff! I'm definitely going to have surf and turf, ASAP. Mum says boys only want one thing so my plan is give it to them, lots of times. That way I'll get good at it, be really popular and maybe my toes will stop throbbing.

KATIE: Bye! Christ's sakes, Ems. Come on, you loser! Oh... What's wrong with you? You're always lagging behind me. Why can't you wear decent clothes? Right.

EFFY: You hate her.

PANDORA: Who do I hate, Eff?

EFFY: I'll let you know.

PANDORA: Cool.

EFFY: Let's get this party started.

PANDORA: You want a lollipop?

EFFY: No.

Students go in the college.

JJ: She smiled at me.

FREDDIE: Cool. She, erm, didn't smile at you, JJ.

JJ: I think you'll find she did. Mum was right. A lack of pubic hair isn't necessarily a drawback.

FREDDIE: It is a drawback.

JJ: Girls are more interested in my character than my cock. That's just been proved.

FREDDIE: She was not looking at you. f*ck me, you're blind.

JJ: On the contrary. My eyesight is keen.

FREDDIE: Yeah? How many fingers am I holding up?

JJ: F... Ow! You always do that...!

COOK: I've got so much cock hair I can backcomb it and use it like a lure.

A girl sits down behind Cook.

GIRL: Nice.

COOK: Like a Porcupine.

GIRL: Right, you're all prick.

COOK: Toosh.

GIRL: You mean touche.

COOK: Probably.

GIRL: Tosser.

COOK: Nice. Here we go.

A VOICE : 'Welcome to Roundview College. A meeting place for young people.'

Professors enter.

WOMAN: God help me.

DOUG: Lovely kids. So full of energy. Makes you feel alive.

PROFESSOR: They look like a right peck of f*ckers to me.

WOMAN: If I suddenly get a bit flushed and short of breath, take over, would you, Doug?

DOUG: Why would you get flushed?

WOMAN: Just f*cking do it, ok?!

DOUG: No problem. Flushed. Right you are.

WOMAN: Could I have your attention, please? Yes, we are starting. Excuse...

DOUG: Attention! Pay attention, look you!

WOMAN: Thank you, Doug. Welcome to Roundview College. We are a designated four star educational establishment under the National We're All In It Together Initiative leading to Ultimate Improvement status. Anyone who screws that up will be officially burnt at the stake.

DOUG: And expelled.

WOMAN: Yes, and expelled. God help you all, you're gonna get some qualifications. Any questions?

PFFRT!

WOMAN: Thank you. Now before I turn you over to your form tutors, I'd like to tell you something about the way in which we organise our...

PFFRT!

WOMAN: Right! Very funny. This is a further education college, not a primary school.

PFFRT!

WOMAN: Stop it! Stop it! I'll cut your balls off, you cheeky little turds! You hear me?

DOUG: I do apologise. I think I might be at fault. Too much rhubarb on my Ready Brek. Havoc.

WOMAN: Right.

DOUG: You are looking a little flushed. Do you want me to...?

WOMAN: No! No. Just...

She stop to speak.

WOMAN: Last year, we had some intolerable incidents so, I want to make this easy for you. The following will result in instant expulsion - smoking on the premises, setting fire to the premises, consumption of alcohol on the premises, consumption of dr*gs on the premises, consumption of p*rn on the premises, teacher abuse, glue abuse, self abuse, sexual intercourse with any other student, teacher or animal or combination of the above including oral sex and/or use of sex toys, on the premises.

PROFESSOR: That was nasty...

WOMAN: Miss Reedy, our new head of communications. Miss Reedy is joining us from... Where are you joining us from?

MISS REEDY: Um, I had some time off. Seven years. It was stress-related but feeling a bit better now, hopefully...

WOMAN: Oh, Christ.

MISS REEDY: Form BD1, say your name, please, when I... Put your hands up, please, when I call your, erm, name. Emily Fitch? Katie Fitch? Jonah Jeremia Jones?

JJ: JJ, present.

MISS REEDY: James Cook?

COOK: Yo!

MISS REEDY: Elizabeth Stonem? Mavis Jarundi? Dob...rislawa W... Wieczorek? I'm sorry, you're foreign. Frederick Mclair?

FREDDIE: Yes.

COOK: Yes!

MISS REEDY: Denise Adebeyor?

JJ: Yes! The integrity of the unit is preserved. I'm still deeply unhappy with you, mind, on account of the unwarranted v*olence.

FREDDIE: All right, I said I'm sorry.

MISS REEDY: And Naomi Campbell? Naomi Campbell?

DOUG: Naomi Campbell?!

The girl behind Cook puts her hand.

NAOMI: f*cking hell...

COOK: Hey, Naomi. Now I get it. You got anger management issues.

NAOMI: Only when I talk to wankers.

COOK: Cool. You gonna hit me with your shoe now, or...?

She show her finger.

COOK: I like her.

Emily looks at Naomi.

NAOMI: Oh, Christ. Same f*cking form.

COOK: Hey, babe...? Babe? Babe? Babe? Babe?

NAOMI: Sorry. I'm not a babe.

COOK: No? Well, I'll be the judge of that.

JJ: Shut up, Cook. Sorry about him.

COOK: Listen, trying to break the ice. Guess what I've got tattooed on my cock?

JJ: Cook...

COOK: No, go on. Guess. What would you say?

Naomi puts her hand.

NAOMI: Excuse me?

WOMAN: Yes? What is it?

NAOMI: The boy next to me is acting inappropriately.

WOMAN: How?

NAOMI: He wants to show me his tattoo. And not in a nice way.

WOMAN: Right. You!

COOK: Me?

WOMAN: Yes! Why don't you show us all your pathetic tattoo. We can wonder at its magnificent stupidity.

COOK: I don't think you'd like it.

DOUG: Right lad! Smartish! You've had an instruction. Show her the tattoo, now!

COOK: All right.

FREDDIE: Wait. No, no, no! Cook, wait, no.

Cook show his tatooes, on his ass and his cock.

WOMAN: Please, please!

PROFESSOR: That is f*ckin' impressive, so it is.

MISS REEDY: No, no, no, no, no! Let me out! Let me out! Don't make me stay. Let me out!

WOMAN: This is unacceptable. Unacceptable! Silence. Silence! Silence! You, silence!

PF-F-FFRT!

DOUG: I do apologise again.

In the director's office.

WOMAN: If I ever, ever see your face in this office again... Get out! GET OUT! GET OUT!

Cook get out.

JJ: Did she expel you?

COOK: For what?

JJ: Well, getting your cock out in Assembly. I'm guessing, but it's possibly frowned upon. Even in the state sector.

COOK: She understood the bind I was in. I was doing what I was told. Very accommodating. There was something about removing my bollocks with a monkey wrench if she ever saw them again. I think we reached an understanding. Right. To business.

JJ: You mean education?

COOK: Women, JJ.

JJ: Women? Um... I mean, I feel like we might be... I don't want to sort of run before I can walk...

COOK: Wow. Girls!

JJ: There's a lot of them.

FREDDIE: Yep.

JJ: So much choice. It's disconcerting.

COOK: No, it's just a matter of sorting out the wheat from the chavs.

He looks at Effy.

COOK: Ah, there we are. And the wolf shall lie down with the lamb.

JJ: You think she'd lie down with me?

COOK: No!

JJ: Yeah? Well, that line is wrong and popularly misquoted. It should read: 'The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, 'and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, 'and the lion and the calf together and a little child shall lead them.'

FREDDIE: Yeah. We'll try and pick

the bones out of that, J.

JJ: I could show her one of my magic tricks. Dad says it's an ice-breaker.

COOK: Yeah? Let's try that out, then, before we go leaping in, and we can see who gets the fatted calf, right?

JJ: OK.

Cook looks at a girl.

COOK: Yeah, you. Darling, my mate wants to try out his pick-up routine on you. That OK?

JJ: Hey. Hi, I'm JJ. Pack of cards. Nothing funny about them. Except one minute they're blue and...

Freddie try to speak with Effy.

FREDDIE: Hi.

EFFY: Hi.

FREDDIE: You don't mind if I take this locker?

EFFY: You can take anything if you want it enough.

FREDDIE: Great. Everything's new and I suppose we should probably, like, you know, all get to know each other.

EFFY: Why?

FREDDIE: Well, um... I dunno. You definitely looked at me this morning, twice. I just thought, you know, maybe we could get to know each other.

EFFY: I look at lots of people. That doesn't mean I want to get to know them. Do you want me to want to get to know you?

FREDDIE: I, er, I wouldn't mind.

EFFY: Thing is, they want to get to know me too.

FREDDIE: They're just wankers.

EFFY: They're your best friends.

FREDDIE: OK, so they're my best friends.

EFFY: That makes it complicated.

FREDDIE: Um, I was hoping not. I'm Freddie.

EFFY: Tell you what, Freddie. Fill in a form.

FREDDIE: What's this?

EFFY: A list of things we're not allowed to do. Like that head director said before your bestest mate got his cock out. I was gonna see if I could tick 'em all before the end of the day. But this is much more interesting. First one to fill that out gets to... ..get to know me. And no cheating. I'll need evidence.

FREDDIE: OK.

EFFY: Cos I wouldn't f*ck a cheat.

FREDDIE: Sorry?

JJ continue.

JJ: Now watch very closely. Oh! Where's it gone? Presto!

COOK: Presto!

JJ: Put that away before I lose it.

COOK: f*ck me!

JJ: Yes, that's alarming. So I'll just... Ha ha! And the coup de grace. Prestissimo!

COOK: Yeah!

JJ: Magic!

COOK: Question is, pet, does that make you want to give JJ a blowjob? Excuse me, are you f*cking deaf or something?

A woman speak.

WOMAN: Yes, I am deaf. So why don't you give him a blowjob if you love him so much? Tossers. Especially you.

COOK: Who are we speaking to here?

WOMAN: Pixie's lip reading. I'm telling you what she says.

COOK: Right, right. Cool. (He puts his hand front of his mouth) She's got tits like choccy Hob Nobs. I'd like to dunk 'em, suck 'em and lick off the love.

JJ: I'm not sure...

COOK: Droopy, lardy arse. Bit spready, bit low slung. You get me?

JJ: I think we've stumbled upon a flaw in your thinking.

COOK: Listen... I mean, wait.

Pixie hit him.

WOMAN: Presto. You cunting small-balled arsehole bandit.

COOK: She may be deaf, she's also extremely rude.

JJ: Yeah.

Later.

PANDORA: It's bloody annoying they put us in different forms. I mean, OK, I'm totally useless and Mum says I have to do Hair & Beauty, but I'm good at Philosophy. I can't understand why I can't do Hair and Philosophy. You can't cos it turns out Hair & Beauty is one subject, not two. Blooming Nora, how mad is that?

EFFY: It's inexplicable, Pandora.

PANDORA: Yeah. Inexplicable. What does inexplicable mean, Eff?

EFFY: Can't explain.

PANDORA: All right! Suit yourself, then. Whoa!

She looks at a boy who speak with Katie.

KATIE: Hi, I'm Katie.

BOY: I'm Bruno and what do you know?

He looks at Effy.

BRUNO: Who's your friend?

PANDORA: Pandora. Wow! You're a corker.

BRUNO: Thanks, um... It's nice to... I got to go.

PANDORA: Strewth! Do you think he'd do surf and turf with me, Eff?

EFFY: I'll ask.

PANDORA: Gotta go. Lesson one, practical skills. Filing our nails - handy! I'm Pandora. I'm useless.

KATIE: Cute. I'm Katie, that's my sister. Aren't you Effy Stonem? Haven't you got a really cool brother? Yeah, he's cool. All my friends fancied him. I wasn't so fussed. Didn't he go mental? Anyway I've got a boyfriend. He plays for Bristol Rover reserves.

EFFY: Impressive.

KATIE: Yeah. He's well lush. Let's sit together. We can chat because, you know... We're the best-looking in here, really. Sorry but we are. We should hang out. Definitely.

She sees Naomi.

KATIE: Oh, no, here it comes. Total lezzer bitch.

NAOMI: Excuse me.

KATIE: Like, don't talk to her. She tried to snog my sister at middle school. Pervy. Don't you think, Eff?

NAOMI: Watch out, Katie. I might get confused and f*ck you with my big strap-on by mistake.

KATIE: Muff-munching bitch. Just jumped on you, didn't she...

EMILY: Leave it, Katie.

KATIE: Whatever. Come on. We'll get the best seats, yeah?

EFFY: So, you the doormat, then?

EMILY: Sort of.

EFFY: Interesting, that you just put up with that.

EMILY: Yeah.

They enter in the classroom. Cook, Feddie & JJ are in a corridor.

FREDDIE: It's a challenging list. You gotta give her that.

COOK: Sex in school. Tricky.

JJ: Guys, we are now seven minutes - eight minutes late for form induction.

FREDDIE: Shut up, will you, JJ? Do you think she's serious?

COOK: There's only one way to find out.

FREDDIE: Wait a minute. You're not gonna...

COOK: I've already got 'teacher abuse' ticked.

JJ: And how! Your cock should not be that colour.

COOK: The game is on, Freddie. You wanna play?

FREDDIE: Don't be stupid.

COOK: Tell you what, girls like Stupid. Ain't you worked that out?

JJ: And McFly. Girls like McFly.

COOK: She's a naughty, naughty little girl and I don't like to disappoint.

He open his locker.

COOK: Eh? Someone's left their sh*t in here. Yeah!

FREDDIE: Nice!

COOK: Check this out!

JJ: Oh, my god. Cook, I'm not sure if that's legal. Oh, that's definitely not legal!

COOK: Dunno who this Sid guy was but he's got f*cking great taste in gash.

JJ: I can't look. Don't make me look. I have to look. Oh, holy sh*t! That's forbidden. Forbidden, verboten, interdit.

FREDDIE: JJ!

JJ: Prohibido, prohibido!

FREDDIE: JJ! JJ!

JJ: I'm sorry. Was I getting locked on, there?

FREDDIE: Locked on, JJ.

JJ: OK. I'm all right. I'm fine. But can I just remind you, in a casual, non-locked-on way, that we're late? We're late, we're late, we're late!

FREDDIE: JJ!

JJ: Sorry. I'm fine.

FREDDIE: We going?

COOK: Hang on. sh**t me.

FREDDIE: Huh?

COOK: The f*cking camera. Go on. Right, action.

FREDDIE: Cook, what the f*ck are you doing?

COOK: Action. Do it, man! I was saving this for lunch but what the f*ck?

FREDDIE: Cheers! What the f*ck are you doing?

JJ: Whoa! Jesus!

COOK: f*ck me.

JJ: Christ.

COOK: Sorted.

FREDDIE: You are f*cking mental.

COOK: Mental is as mental does. But we're late. Shall we?

FREDDIE: Let's go.

JJ: Come on, run!

They run. Doug & Miss Reedy enter.

DOUG: So, you see, they don't mean it. That's what you have to remember. They're just kids. Kids! Yes?

MISS REEDY: I, um, I suppose so.

DOUG: They don't mean it. Have you ever fallen off a horse? You have to drink your milk and get straight back on that horse. OK? Back. Yes? Uggy uggy uggy!

MISS REEDY: What?

DOUG: Kids. Cheeky, immature. Harmless. They can't hurt you. OK?

MISS REEDY: OK. They can't hurt me.

DOUG: Good girl.

He leave her.

MISS REEDY: ARGH!

Panodra's classroom.

PROFESSOR: Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off.Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly... Smooth the cuticle, push. Smooth the cuticle, push. Remember to breathe. Smooth the cuticle. Push. Smooth the cuticle. Push. Yes.

PANDORA: I'm sorry...

PROFESSOR: We're filing. What is it?

PANDORA: Well, um, blimey this is fascinating. Mega fun. But the thing is... I have to get out of here.

PROFESSOR: Sorry?

PANDORA: I have to go because I've got three super-duper zits coming on. They're like...proper seepers.

GIRLS: Oh, my God!

PROFESSOR: Yes, Go! Go! For God's sake go! Refresh and moisturise. Don't waste a second.

PANDORA: Yes. Refresh and... I'm on it!

PROFESSOR: Smooth the cuticle. Push.

Pandora goes out.

PANDORA: Blooming 'eck. It's big out here.

Effy's classroom.

PROFESSOR: Right. Um... Now we've gotta... Christ. f*ck it. OK. f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. Um... OK. Whatever... We've gotta stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves. Right. I'll start. Christ. I'm Kieran and I hate being a f*cking teacher. You.

JJ: Um... I'm JJ and with regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication, interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.

KIERAN: Yeah. You've stopped me in my f*cking tracks there, yeah. You.

KATIE: I'm Katie. I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.

KIERAN: Congratulations. You.

EMILY: I'm Emily. I've never had a boyfriend.

KIERAN: sh*t happens. You.

NAOMI: I'm Naomi. I hate injustice. People tell lies about me.

KIERAN: You at the back.

BOY: I'm Kumir. I'm gay.

KIERAN: Yup. Good. You.

BOY: I'm Max, and both my parents are artists.

KIERAN: Great. I'm very very happy for you. What about you? With the bling.

EFFY: I'm Effy. And I think my mum's having an affair.

KIERAN: Good one. Shows enterprise. What about you, big man?

FREDDIE: I'm Freddie. I met a girl I like today. She's like... Beautiful. That's it.

KIERAN: That's it? That's your unique fact? That's just great.Fascinating, Freddie, thank you for that. What about you?

GIRL: I'm Katie and I had Frosties for breakfast.

KIERAN: Frosties, that's product placement in my opinion. You there at the back beside the wee gay man?

BOY: My name's Nathan and seven members of my immediate family have been on Crimewatch.

KIERAN: Brilliant, what a year this is gonna be.

EFFY: Kieran?

KIERAN: Yes.

EFFY: I'm feeling rather sh*t. I think I need to go to the Nurse's office.

KIERAN: Oh, yeah? OK. Go on then. Right. Where were we? Oh, stuff it. Let's just watch a DVD about... Oh, Christ. "How To Be Inclusive". Holy Mother of divine shite, who makes up this sh*t?

COOK: Actually, Kieran, I'm not feeling too well either. My balls are aching. I might have to go and see that nurse.

KIERAN: Right! Bugger off then.

COOK: Cheers, Kieran.

KIERAN: See if she can laser Jordan off them. OK. Right, how the f*ck does this...

Effy & Cook are go out. Pandora enters.

PANDORA: Hey. Can I be in this class? I don't like mine.

KIERAN: Why not? Make up the numbers. You doing some A levels?

PANDORA: One, please. Philosophy.

KIERAN: OK, sit down. When you've worked out the point of living, come and f*cking tell me.

PANDORA: Whizzer! Where's Effy?

Cook enters in the Nurse's office.

EFFY: They don't have a nurse.

COOK: I just gotta get dr*gs. And sex.

He kiss her. And more...

COOK: Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls!

Miss Reedy is in the Nurse's office to. She hears Cook's noises.

MISS REEDY: Aaaargh !