01x07 - The Dark Side

[bunniefuu]

Who are you?

It doesn't matter 'cause we're off.
Nice to meet you. Come on.

I'm playing an evil genius
in Doctor Who, how cool is that?

, take .

My first day has been a lot of fun.
Not least because I had to say,

“The Mighty Jagrafess
of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe,“

which I still can't say.

The Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy...

Hagen... No, sorry.

On set it was getting harder and harder.

The Mighty Jagrafess
of the Holy... (BLEEP)

Sorry.

What? The Mighty Jagrafess
of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe.

I love the cheek of the writing,
you know.

Russell, you know, Blon Fel Fotch
is somebody's name.

You know, Blon Fel Fotch Slitheen.

Rexicoricophalvitorius
and the jagrafess.

Rexicoricophalvitorius!

Easy.Ea$Y-

And I just kept saying,
“Maxa hagant pagant hagant pagant.“

The Mighty Jagrafess
of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe.

What the (BLEEP) is wrong with me?

I was getting really tense. Not because
everyone was getting fed up with me,

because they weren't,
everyone's so nice.

There's such a great,
sort of, atmosphere on set.

It was everyone
was really wanting me to do it.

I can feel everyone going, "Come on,
Simon. You can do it this time."

The Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy...

Can I just figure out
what it is before I say it?

Nipples!

We'll pick that up.

And as I approach the word
like some kind of hurdle in the distance

on a running track,

you could feel everyone's buttocks
clenching as I got closer to it.

Edited by my superior, your master,

and humanity's guiding light,

the Mighty Jagrafess
of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe.

I call him Max.

Ow!

(CHEERING)

What a thing to have to say
on your first day.

The Mighty Jagrafess
of the Holy Hadrojassic...

I can't even say it now!
I never wanna say it again.

SIMO N: Right, enough about me.
Bring an the evil geniuses.

The Lady Cassandra O'Brien dot Delta .

I am Henry van Statten.
Now recognise me.

I love an evil genius.

Liar!

Speak to me, Dalek.

Moisturise me.

In every episode, the Doctor meets...

another genius
with an ego as big as his.

- Yes.
- Is that all I'm gonna get? “Yes.“

Yes.

You know, there's always
kind of a standoff, basically,

and it's usually a blokey standoff.

You're no fun.

Let me out of these manacles.
You'll find out how much fun I am.

He's tough, isn't he?

He always meets somebody
that he doesn't like

and that kind of
kicks the whole thing off.

(JAGRAFESS SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

- Time Lord.
- What?

Oh. yes!

The last of the Time Lords...

It's just great when you get Chris
Eccleston in a room with Simon Pegg

and you just get them
f*ring dialogue off each other.

It makes your life easier. It's the
sort of thing you sit there thinking,

“Why, they could carry on talking for
another pages and I'd be laughing.“

(BELL RINGING)

, take , A camera.

Oh!

You're full of information.

But it's only fair we get
some information back

because, apparently, you're no one.

PEGG". I'm playing the Editor.

Our information has been tampered with.

There's a second biography
hidden underneath.

(JAGRAFESS SPEAKING)

Yes, sir.

P EGG: He 's a banker, he 's an accountant,
he 's the scum of the Earth.

(PEGG LAUGHING)

And he's working for this piece of meat,
sort of, creature,

called the jagrafess,
which lives in the ceiling.

I am the, sort of, the human go-between

and the jagrafess
is controlling humanity.

he 's employed me
to just convince them all to keep small

and make them think
that they're running the universe.

They're all human,
what about the millions of planets,

the millions of species?

- Where are they?
- Good question.

Actually, that is a good question.

The horrible turncoat
that's kind of doing his dirty work.

The whole thing is really about the way
the media can manipulate culture.

I get it, you broadcast the news.

We are the news. We're the journalists.

We write it, package it and sell it.

Six hundred channels, all coming out of
Satellite Five broadcasting everywhere.

Something...

is wrong.

Something fictional.

It's funny when you sit there going,

“Right, I'm going to do
an evil genius now.“

It took a long time to go through
all the old clichés, as it were.

I mean, they're all clichés,

and arrive at the fact that this is
Doctor Who for the year

and, actually, you want something
that kicks arse a bit.

There's the truth!

You are lying to the people.

- Oh, I love it. Say it again.
- This whole system is corrupt.

- Who do you represent?
- I am merely a humble sl*ve.

I answer to the editor-in-chief.

Who is he? Where is he?

He's overseeing everything,
literally everything.

If you don't mind,
I'm gonna have to refer this upwards.

(JAGRAFESS SPEAKING)

I mean,
one of the things with the Editor was

let's not put him in a silly costume,
let's not have, you know, capes

and nonsense going on
that the evil geniuses tend to wear.

Let's just put him in a suit, I mean
a really sort of th-st-century suit.

So you can actually connect
with the images of sharp and sexy.

My make-up is quite alarming

because they've bleached my eyebrows
and I can't see them anymore.

I work in this very cold room
and I work in there all the time

so I'm kind of like jack Frost.

They dyed my beard and they've dyed
my hair and my face is all pale.

And I'm wearing these contact lenses.
I don't know if you can see them.

They make my eyes very blue,
and it's great, it's dressing up.

And I'm wearing a really sharp suit
as well. So, I'm loving it.

SIMO N: But for the director, however,

the star of the show
must be the giant jagrafess.

Yes, this is the jagrafess,
or a first rendition of it.

It starts off as a steaming ceiling
of meat and then becomes this thing.

He was a very good example, actually,
of organically developing creatures

'cause, originally, if you read
the first script of episode seven,

he was the ceiling,

was this wall of meat,
I think Russell described him as.

And he kind of evolved, I think with
Brian Grant getting involved,

into a creature.

I think it was Brian felt that it needed
a bit of impact.

If you were gonna tease the audience
throughout an episode,

you needed to see something
a bit more animate come the end.

Where it will be is just a green screen.

We'll get the actors,
sh**t them within the control room set

and put a -D animated monster in there,

dripping gunge.

I can see the smallest doubt
and crush it.

One of the things about the Editor is
that he's not really the villain.

He's the front man for the villain who's
really bad, which is the jagrafess.

And then, behind that,
there's the question

of how did the jagrafess
get where it is?

Who installed that?

You couldn't have done this on your own.

No.

That will be answered at a later time.

Actually, sir, if it's all the same
to you, I think I'll resign. Bye, then.

DAVIES: We haven 't actually got
any real evil geniuses

because I don't believe that exists.

Actually, it's like, I think
that you're writing nonsense

when you write someone who's going,
"Ha, ha! I'm gonna destroy the world."

It's like I don 't actually
believe in them.

And whenever we come across a character

who might be in the place
of an evil genius

we try to give them motivation and
background and depth and good dialogue

and a sense of humour as well,

so that they're not
just nonsense cardboard characters.

SIMON: In episode ):,
Henry van Statten made some entrance.

The President is ten points down.
I want him replaced.

I don't think that's very wise, sir.

Thank you so much for your opinion,
you're fired.

- Get rid of him.
- What?

Wipe his memory,
put him on the road someplace...

I don't think van Statten
is inherently evil.

There are people through history
who have been inherently evil.

I don't think van Statten
would go down as one of them.

I think he's more misguided.

Exterminate.

I've k*lled her.

I'm sorry.

What he wanted, what he thought
he wanted when he was young,

was to just reach up and do something
great. To reach for the stars.

I think, kind of, what he forgot was
to keep his feet on the ground.

He got a little bit lost.
And, you know, he's paid the price.

What the hell are you doing?

SIMON: Even with van Statten
left in the gutter,

there's still one young, misguided
genius looking to the stars.

Van Statten has agents all over the
world looking for geniuses to recruit.

Ah, right, you're a genius.

Sorry, but, yeah.
I can't help it, I was born clever.

When I was eight,
I logged on to the US Defence system,

nearly caused World w*r III.

What, that's funny, is it?

You should have been there,
just to see them running about.

Fantastic!

Part of episode seven was designed to be
not too Doctor-and-Rose heavy, actually,

because it is a tough filming schedule.

Adam gets a lot of plots to himself

and the nurse,
played by Tamsin Greig, comes in.

Sorry.

Floor . That's, um, what do you cover?

- Medical non-emergency.
- Right.

I'm having technical difficulties. My
screen keeps freezing, locking me out.

No, that's medical. There must be
something wrong with your chip.

Yes. Yeah, of course, yeah.

I haven't got one.

No wonder you can't get a screen
to work. What are you?

A student?

Adam doesn't realise he's out
for his own good

until he's put in a situation
of temptation

where knowledge and information
and power are put in front of him.

He's a little bit ambitious, he's a
little bit too clever for his own good.

Oh, my God. I am gonna be sick.

So it's a chance to see someone
starting on that path

which the Doctor cuts dead.

- I just wanted to help.
- You were helping yourself.

I'm sorry and I've said I'm sorry.
But you can't just leave me like this.

I can. 'Cause if you show that head to
anyone, they'll dissect you in seconds.

You'll have to live a very quiet life.
Keep out of trouble, be average.

Unseen. Good luck.