It's probably good nothing happened between us.
Yoohoo, I can't tell you where you can or can't be, can I?
No, you can't.
If she wants to stay and chat with inbreds and lesbos...
Hang on a f*cking minute!
f*ck off back to Valhalla, weirdo... p*ssy.
You're full of sh*t, Rich, you're just scared!
Man the f*ck up!
F-R-E-A-K, now what does that spell?
Let me see... Oh, yeah, you!
Now get the f*ck out of my party.
♪ TOOTS & THE MAYTALS: It Must Be True Love
♪ When you feel like loving I feel like loving too
♪ When you feel like kissing I feel like kissing too
♪ When you feel like dancing I feel like dancing with you
♪ And this must be true...
♪ True love
♪ Tell me that you love me cos I'm in love with you
♪ Although it's the first time I met you
♪ I feel like kissing with you
♪ Just tell me that you love me
♪ Cos I'm in love with you
♪ And this must be true
♪ True love
♪ Tell me that you love me
♪ Cos I'm in love with you
♪ I've been kind, you told me
♪ You will love no-one but me... ♪
JEMIMA: Whoa! All right!
Yeah! Oh, no, we're gonna get fast!
Five, six, seven, eight!
Whoo! Let's take it up a notch.
(MACHINE BEEPS)
Whoo! Whoo!
All right! All right, here we go!
SHOUTING WHISTLE BLOWS SHOUTING
♪ ...This must be true
♪ True love WOLF WHISTLES/SHOUTING Good morning, everyone.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Right, let's dive straight in.
With just two days to go until our charity fashion show, Gracie is finally ready to reveal her designs, and we're all very excited to hear Professor Blood's verdict.
Thank you, everyone.
I have received confirmation that our governors will be attending, so it is now of the utmost importance that this show demonstrates the creative and physical ability of the college.
Over to you, Grace.
Um...slight hiccup.
Gracie? Where are the outfits?
DOOR BANGS Ah!
Sorry about the lateness.
Franky?
Er...this is a committee-only meeting.
Actually, Mins, Franky's been a life-saver.
I couldn't have made them without her, and she'll be great with the music.
She should totally join us.
Oh! I didn't realise that you were still friends. Great.
Brilliant. Excellent.
Really?
Totally. Thanks a million, Franky.
Er...why don't you girls show us the fruits of your labours?
As we're raising money for the blind, our theme is tactile textures.
So, we've used classic suit and dress patterns with loads of different fabrics that are cool to touch, like silk, faux fur and velvet.
I knew this was gonna happen.
Gracie, those...are not what we discussed.
I...I fear she's having some kind of...personal crisis.
Oh, come on!
I understand we all need a platform to express ourselves but this show is not about you, Grace.
It's about raising money.Mm.
I just dread to think what the governors would say seeing these avant-garde designs.
They're so...weird.
Take it from me, sir...
I know what I'm talking about.
(CLEARS THROAT) I see what you mean.
I propose a drastic rethink.
A new theme, new outfits.
New models. Nick and I should be the triumphant finale.
I've got it.
White tie and tiara.
If it's good enough for Elton, it's good enough for Roundview. Agreed?
Mini, you have two days to save the show.
I won't let you down, sir.
Right.
Moving forward. Grace?
You're fired. Liv?
Let's get some models.
OK, it was a bit harsh, but she's developing a serious attitude problem.
Mini! Can you just hold up for one f*cking second?
Firstly, remove your hand from my arm.
Secondly, could you please refrain from swearing at me?
Yeah, sorry. It's just you've been really rude to me and it's not fair.
Can you just stop being b*tches so we can all be friends, OK?
I can't believe you just called us b*tches.
b*tches? See, I told you, Liv. Major attitude problem.
That was just uncalled for.
No, it wasn't.
You're meant to be my best friends and you just told everyone I'm having a breakdown, and I'm not!
You only have yourself to blame.
Toodles!
Fine! f*ck off!
You f*cking f*ck-heads!
(BOTH GIGGLE)
Truffle shuffle! Truffle shuffle!
Truffle shuffle!
(CHEERING)
All right, sexy?
Listen, I need you for a few minutes.
Oi, Mini, when Nick stops satisfying you, my cock is all yours, yeah?
I don't f*ck losers.
(LAUGHTER)
Nicely played, babes.
Boys, say bye-bye to your captain.
I want to be alone with my man.
Mm.
Outside. Five mins.
(SIGHS)
(LOW CHATTER)
You can go first. I'll save the big news till after.
OK, how would you like to be the best boyfriend in the world and help me out at the charity fashion show?
I need two gorgeous models to walk with me and Liv down the runway.
No can do. Training comes first.
Do you not want to know what my surprise is?
My dad's away until Saturday. We finally have the house to ourselves.
Fashion show comes first.
That's just another excuse.
I've waited weeks for this.
You said you wanted to, next time I had a free gaff.
(SIGHS) I do the fashion show, you stay over tonight.
You're the ultimate boyfriend.
Oh, bring a friend too.
Get in.
But I might not be in the mood tonight. I've just been really stressed.
Stressed you won't live up to your rep?
What rep? I'm not a slag!
Well, from the stories you tell, you're no virgin.
Are you?
I'm just not sure you'll be able to handle me.
Babe, you don't want to know what I've handled.
I really don't.
My exes are nothing compared to you.
And I promise tonight will be special.
Of course. It will be amazing.
Perfect.
(WHISPERS) f*ck.
MUSIC PLAYING MINI: You're walking down a catwalk!
You're not walking the plank here, OK?
The catwalk is not a playground. Sashay in.
MUSIC PLAYING Liv, come over here. Stop the music.
MUSIC OFF I said sprinkle down the runway.
I'll teach you how to sprinkle.
BOTH LAUGH Who the f*ck is that weirdo?
Um...he's your partner for the finale.
Well, the...the bit before the finale.
Nick and I are closing the show.
Obviously.
(TUTS AND SIGHS)
Hey, sexual.
When's your friend going to show us what he's got in store for Olivia?
Music!
NICK: Come on, Rider.
Nice moves.
Ow!
Ah!
Ah! MINI: Liv, take it seriously.It's not Strictly.
NICK: Can't wait for tonight, babes.
Come round about eight.
I'll get some food in. For breakfast.
Mm. And I got some supplies.
Oh, no. Ultra nightmare.
I totally forgot. I promised Liv I'd hang out with her tonight.
I'm so sorry.Don't be stroppy, babe. I'd rather be with you.
But Liv is just all depressed by her lack of love life.
(SIGHS) Right, OK. Let's all go out together, then.
I'll bring Rider. Bit of matchmaking.
You're so sweet. I love you.
Mm, yeah, me too.
♪ JAMES YORKSTON: Would You Have Me Born With Wooden Eyes?
♪ Tangled as my heart is with yours
♪ Would you have me born with wooden eyes
♪ To see me through?
♪ Tangled as my heart is with yours... ♪
SHELLY: Is that you, baby?
♪ ...Would you have me born with wooden eyes
♪ To see me through?
♪ Through
♪ If every word was true
♪ If every other word was true
♪ Ah, ah, ah
♪ Ah, ah, ah
♪ Would you have me born with wooden eyes? ♪
Oh. Gorgeous girlie.
It's like looking in a mirror.
You wish.
Over here, missus.
Didn't keep you up last night, did I?
Thatguy turned out to be a right goer. Couldn't get enough of it.
When will I get to meet this prince of yours?
That's enough.
It's much better.
What a stunner you are.
Off you go and have fun.
I always do with Nick.
We're in love.
Well, you hold onto him, angel. You don't want to end up like me.
Remember, men only want one thing, and once they've got it, they disappear into thin air.
Do your pelvic floor exercises! That's the way to a man's heart.
♪ I'm a-having a nervous breakdown
♪ A mental shakedown... ♪
Oh, no.
Nick.
You're gonna have to help me.
All right. It's all about focus, babes. Pick your spot and visualise yourself putting that ball right there.
No, no. No, no, no. Come back.
You're sh*t.
Nick's are the only balls I play with.
Nick's are the only balls I play with. LIV: Lucky boy.
RIDER: At least you're good at something.
This one for the match, Nick, yeah? Mm.
For you it's over, big man.
Close your legs. You're drooling.
That is gross.
Whoo! We whipped your arses.
Three games in a row, baby.
Whatever. Mins, let's head back to mine.
Er...if you're happy to give up just like that, then that's cool.
I just thought my boyfriend was better than that.
But no worries.
(GIGGLES) Loser.
All right, OK, one more game and then we head back to the crib.
Swap teams, though. Shotgun, Liv.
RIDER: And let's spice things up a bit.
Whoever loses each point downs an epic mouthful each.
Awesome.
Er...not for me and Liv.
Getting wasted the night before my fashion sh**t is very clever.
Oh, come on.
We all need our beauty sleep.
I don't. Have you seen my face?
(NICK CHUCKLES) You dickhead.
Go on, give us a swig.
Go on. Down it.
f*ck it.
That's my girl.
Don't be boring, babes.
Yeah!
♪ Wow!
♪ Well, you know the night-time
♪ Night and day
♪ Is the right time
♪ Night and day
♪ To be
♪ Night and day
♪ Be with the one you love
♪ Night and day...
♪ Wow!
♪ Babe, the night-time
♪ Night and day
♪ Is the right time
♪ Night and day
♪ Whoa, to be
♪ Night and day
♪ With the one you love
♪ Night and day
♪ Wow! Say the night-time
♪ Night and day
♪ Wow! Is the right time
♪ Night and day
♪ Oh, to be
♪ Night and day
♪ With the one you love
♪ Aaah!
♪ Waaah! ♪
(SQUEALS)
I'm gonna sue!
LAUGHTER
♪ ...Baby
♪ Night and day... ♪
You are gonna get a slap!
f*ck you.
Bollocks. I've lost my f*cking keys.
Oh, it must have fallen out in there.
There's no way he's letting us back in.
Er...looks like we're gonna have to call it a night, then.
Liv, coming?
RIDER: Oi.
You two ain't getting away that easily. Let's head back to mine.
Mum's working a late-nighter, won't be back for ages.
Liv, just wait till you catch a glimpse of my pad.
REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING CHATTER AND LAUGHTER Never have I ever had an STI.
No.
Right, here's one you girls can't get out of.
Liv, that bra's coming off.
Never have I ever munched cock.
SNORTING AND LAUGHTER RIDER: Oh, yes. Come on, Min, you too.
An earring? That's cheating, man.
Get your jugs out!
LIV: Rider, take it easy.
Dress off, dress off, dress off!
There's only one person that gets to check out what's under here.
And it's not you.
Ha! Hm.
It looks like the game's over.
Good.It was sh*t.
I don't care what you've done or never done.
I sure know what you're gonna do now. To me.
You're all right. I mean, except for your personality.
Maybe you should just stop talking(!)
(GASPS) Good boy.
(LIV GIGGLES)
(LAUGHS)
Liv!
LIV LAUGHING Back in a sec.
♪ Teach roses then to sniff at my ankles
♪ Pink and red roses
♪ Lining the path
♪ The flagstone path that leads to nowhere
♪ To nowhere decided for now
♪ Well, who am I
♪ To get this gift?
♪ The giver bounding off in retreat
♪ The dog runs off with a heart in its mouth... ♪
LIV GASPING
♪ ...And drops it bloody at my feet
♪ Roses cluster at my ankle
♪ The heart lies bloody... ♪
MOANING AND GASPING LIV MOANING Oh. Baby.
You're amazing.
And you're f*cking hot.
OTHERS MOANING Is that why you're with me?
It's a bonus.
You're sexy. Fit as.
LIV MOANING What's wrong?
Liv's panting is ruining the mood.
Well, at least she's having fun.
I...I can't do this.
LIV MOANING Babe, it's been way over a month.
What's the big deal? Don't you fancy me?
LIV AND RIDER MOANING You know I do. I love you.
Show me, then.
Mins?
Ugh.
Oh. Oh.
You've got to get her out of here before my mother comes back.
She's gonna go schizo. sh*t.
Stop preening and get cleaning.
Where's the f*cking Domestos?
I can't believe that twat got more action than me.
Oh, don't cry. There's always tomorrow.
(SCOFFS) I've run out of ideas on how to get her into bed.
Rewind.
You two haven't...?
No.
It's a bit weird, Liv. She keeps on telling me she loves me.
That's just Mini. She's full-on all the time.
It's the best and worst thing about her.
Yeah, well.
Let's just take her home, yeah?
(WHISPERS) I've never been here before.
Don't know anything about her mum or dad.
LIV: It's just mum.
Liv, I don't even know her.
Yeah, she's hot and she makes me laugh. But that's it.
And now I've been dragged into this stupid fashion show.
It's a big deal. She's just stressing out.
We're gonna be laughed at.
She can't dance.
We'll look ridiculous. My team's gonna be there, my coach.
You're her boyfriend.
And I'm her best friend. We need to give her a bit of help.
What?
You've got quite a rep, but you're actually pretty sound.
Back-handed compliment.
But I'll take it.
I'm sleepy.
Night.
LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS
♪ CRYSTAL FIGHTERS: With You
♪ Sometimes the stars you see are bright
♪ Somewhere above the clouds at night
♪ Some time the light star bright
♪ So far above the cloudless sky
♪ With you... ♪
You've gained 57 grams.
Wait, um...
32 grams.
Er...Mini. It's not on.
Let me impart a phrase that I apply to most situations in life.
Good girls don't swallow.
Next.
♪ With you, with you, with you
♪ With you, with you, with you
♪ With you, with you, with you, with you
♪ With you, with you With you, with you... ♪
Liv. Um...call me.
I've got the hangover from hell and three hours to do 101 jobs.
It's Mini, obviously.
Hi, gorgeous. Just wanted to say hello.
Give me a call when you get the chance.
I could do with a hand for some of the last-minute fashion show bits.
Liv, it's me again.
(GIRLS LAUGH)
Call me. I really need help with the dresses, OK?
LAUGHTER A little help, please!
Yeah, move.
Has anyone seen Nick or Liv?
And somebody steam those dresses!
LAUGHTER All right, Princess Puke?
LAUGHTER PHONE RINGS
♪ ..With you. ♪
(TANNOY) 'For those of you involved in tonight's fashion show, 'you need to be at the outdoor area for a dress rehearsal in 15.
'The rest of you, look hot and keep your heads down.
'That is all.'
♪ I like boys and that is that
♪ Love it when you call me legs In the morning buy me eggs
♪ Watch your heart when we're together
♪ Boys like you love me for ever
♪ Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
♪ Oh
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa
♪ Oh
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪
That's my dress.
(LIV) Whoops. Sorry, Mini, I'll change.
Yeah, you will.
I'll wear it for the rehearsal. We're already running late.
Because I've been looking for you!
Liv was just helping me with the dance.
Oh, really?Yeah, really.
How very thoughtful.
Liv, dress off now.
Your saggy tits have stretched it.
Oh, don't be a d*ck.
You told everyone I puked on Nick last night!
Me? I was the one looking after you.
I bet you two had a right laugh.
Mini, you haven't got enough dresses.
Mini, who's doing our hair?
Mini, where are the tickets for the after-show party?
CLAMOUR OF QUESTIONS No offence, but that looks way better on Liv.
No offence, but that looks way better on Liv. Shut the f*ck up!
Shut the f*ck up! Shut the f*ck up!
Silence!
MUSIC STOPS What is this foolish nonsensery?
THUD What does that say? (CLEARS THROAT)
Roundview charity fashion show.
Anything else?
Five pounds.
Starts at 7.30.
Let me explain.
The dresses don't fit the models, half of the show is still to be choreographed, and we have less than two hours until the designated outdoor area is filled with students and teachers and governors.
I'll...I'll sort it out. Please.
No. You fainted on school property. You're obviously not well.
I'm fine.
I'm saying you're unwell.
So you're unwell.
Go home, Mini.
(SOBBING)
♪ NEW YORK DOLLS: Looking For A Kiss
♪ I always saw you just before the dawn
♪ When all the other kids were just dragging along
♪ I couldn't believe the way it seemed to be
♪ Remembering the things you used to say to me
♪ I bet you know I can't be wasting timecos I got to have my fun
♪ I gotta get some fun
♪ I gotta keep on moving Can't stop till it's all done
♪ And it's never done
♪ Well, listen when I tell you I got no time for fix
♪ Cos I just got to make it Can't afford to miss
♪ And there's one reason I'm telling you this
♪ I feels bad
♪ And I'm a-looking for a kiss. ♪
SMOOCHING
(NICK) Finally.
Thanks for meeting me. Nick, you and I don't need a catwalk.
What have you done?
What's wrong?
Mini, I...
Where are you going?
The show starts in 15 minutes.
f*ck the show.
What?
Let's go, just us, back to yours.
I can't abandon the troops.
Reward comes from dedication, hard work, passion.
You can reward me after.
No, now!
No. Liv needs me to close the show.
CHEERING
♪ LADY GAGA: Boys Boys Boys
♪ I like you a lot, lot All we want is hot, hot
♪ Boys, boys, boys We like boys in cars
♪ Boys, boys, boys Buy us drinks in bars
♪ Boys, boys, boys With hairspray and denim
♪ Boys, boys, boys
♪ We love them, we love them
♪ Oh, whoa, whoa
♪ Whoa, whoa... ♪
Hello, Roundview!
CHEERING Thank you to the very talented Grace Violet and the wicked Franky Fitzgerald for providing music and lighting.
CHEERING And I would like to thank my best friend Mini McGuinness.
Tonight was all her idea.
She's always encouraging us to do new things.
Unfortunately, she is unwell and couldn't perform.
But I'm sure she would be very pleased with the show and we really hope that she gets better soon. and we really hope that she gets better soon. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE See you at the after-show party, thanks for coming!
MUSIC PLAYING We're really happy you came.
Mini, you're here! Have a drink.
Where's Nick?
What?
My boyfriend. Where is he?
I don't know.
Stay away from us.
Mini, wait up!
Hi.
Hi.
You look nice.
Should you be talking to me?
Mini's not my friend any more.
Are we still friends?
I was hoping more than that.
If that's cool with you.
That's cool.
Cool.
Mini, what's going on with you? You're freaking me and Nick out.
I know you haven't slept together. Don't do it. He doesn't love you.
You've been bitching behind my back? Typical of you!
You've always been jealous of me.
You are making a top prat of yourself.
Explain why you're calling my boyfriend, sleeping next to him, dancing next to him on stage. Keep your whore hands away from him!
I will not let you sh*t all over me. Because I know you.
I know, underneath all of that make-up, you're just a frightened little virgin.
Look! I still love you.
But I am the only one.
So, grow up, OK? Before you've got no-one.
Get it together, you stupid bitch!
f*ck!
I'll dump her.
If you want.
You got a lighter?
RINGING PHONE RINGING Looks like you're having a pretty sh*t time.
I can't find Nick.
Grace is here.
I know.
I'm not trying to ruin your life, Mini.
You could have fooled me.
You could have fooled me. of self-absorbed, attention-seeking cocks.
Are you looking for a fight?
It was hard to see why you hung out together. But then...
I got it.
You look out for each other.
You love each other.
Come and dance.
Take me to yours.
Mini!
Mini!
This is gonna be worth the wait, I promise.
About today.
I feel like we're not clicking.
I know.
I'll...I'll try harder.
Let's blank today out.
It...it didn't happen. None of it happened.
Please.
Do you have, um...a...
Um...yeah.
Sure, cool.
Right.
OK.
Mini...
..anything you want to tell me?
I love you.
Anything you want to tell me?
You love me too, don't you?
Yeah.
I love you too.
(# AKRON/FAMILY: It's Only Love)
♪ Don't be afraid
♪ It's only love
♪ Don't be afraid
♪ It's only love
♪ Don't be afraid
♪ It's only love
♪ Don't be afraid
♪ It's only love
♪ Love is simple
♪ Love is simple... ♪
(HORN SOUNDS)
All right there, my lovely?
You fancy a ride? (CHUCKLES)
♪ ...Don't be afraid
♪ You're already dead
♪ Don't be afraid
♪ You're already dead
♪ Don't be afraid
♪ You're already dead
♪ Don't be afraid
♪ You're already dead
♪ Love is simple
♪ Love is simple
♪ Love is simple... ♪
Come on.
♪ ...La la, la-la la-la
♪ La-la-la
♪ La la, la-la la-la
♪ La-la-la
# La la la
# La la, la-la la-la
♪ La la la
# La la la
# La la, la-la la-la
♪ La la la. ♪
(# THE CONTOURS: Do You Love Me?)
# Do you love me?
# I can really move
# Do you love me?
# I'm in the groove...
♪ Do you love me... ♪
Every night you turn up looking like a zombie, Olivia.
Do not tell me there is nothing to worry about because your aura is telling me quite the opposite.
Ta-da!
No-one leaves till this bag is empty.
Oh. Franky's gone. What a lightweight.
What's going on?
Everyone's having such a good time.
Really would be a shame if you spoil it.
We don't tell each other our secrets, do we?
That's my bed.
And I'm in it with my boyfriend.
The party is over. Everybody out!
(SCREAMS)
# Well, I can mash potatoes
# I can mash potatoes
# I can do the twist
# I can do the twist
# Well, tell me, baby
# Tell me, baby
# Do you like it like this?
# Do you like it like this?
# Well, tell me
# Tell me
♪ Well, tell me...
♪ Waah!
# Do you love me?
# I can really move
♪ Do you love me?
♪ I'm in the groove
# Do you love me?
# Do you love me?
♪ Now that I can dance...
♪ Aaah!
♪ Whoo! Watch me now. ♪
5x03 - Mini
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The story of a group of British teens who are trying to grow up and find love and happiness despite questionable parenting and teachers who more want to be friends (and lovers) rather than authority figures.
The story of a group of British teens who are trying to grow up and find love and happiness despite questionable parenting and teachers who more want to be friends (and lovers) rather than authority figures.