I don't have to take this anymore.
It's you.
Hi.
You two know each other?
Have you got a problem with me seeing your brother?
Liv, whatever he's told you, don't believe him.
He's a psycho. Stay away from her.
Why do you care?
They're brothers.
If you cared then why did you f*ck my best friend?!
Mins!
Are we still friends?
I was hoping more than that.
I don't care if they're one-legged deadhermaphrodites. I need some sex.
Cock-a-doodle-doooo!
Rags! Rags!
Good boy. Good boy, go on! Go on!
Ohh! TRICKLING Morning, Da'.
I was, er...
I was... I was putting it in a cup first.
So it's fine, cos it was, like... cup first, and then swoosh.
Straight down the plughole.
You know? For hygiene.
Night, Da'.
Top field today. Big job.
(YAWNING) Oh, is it?
Happy birthday, Bey.
♪ Yeah, when I was only 17
♪ I could hear the angels whispering
♪ So I drove into the woods and wandered aimlessly about
♪ Until I heard my mother shouting through the fog
♪ It turned out to be the howling of a dog
♪ Or a wolf, to be exact ♪
ALARM WAILS
(YAWNS)
Nice.
I love you, Ultrawank.
Requests?
WOMAN:'Ooh, I wonder what I've got in my bag.'
Oh! That'll certainly give me a big prick, that will.
That's a long shape.
But my favourite one of all is... the banana.
Ooh, he's very ripe.
Get that banana right in my big bloody tits.
Oh, yeah.
♪ The thing I love the most is cumming on your face
♪ Suck it, bitch! ♪
Yes! Give me a good banana milkshake, you bananary bastard!
Ooh! Oh, yes, banana!
Oh! Oh!
Well, that was a proper job.
Get in my gob, you big yellow bastard!
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, banana.
What is it?
It's your birthday present, Alo.
It's a spade.
Oh.
I've been talking to your father.
You're not going to town tonight.
What?
Da's milking on a rolling shift. He needs you.
I can't.Me and Rich are doing stuff.
I don't give a monkey's, Alo. Your father needs help.
Every single day he's out there on his own.
Anything could happen to him.
He's got Dewi.
Ma', it's my birthday!
There are bigger problems in this world than you and your poxy little friends, my lad.
But Ma!
You need to try harder, Alo.
You are not being fair.
Cheers for me spade, Mum.
Oh!
Happy birthday, son.
Oh.
Wow.
Thanks, Dad.
She's a good runner.
You've a lot to catch up on, so you can't go out for too long.
Actually, Da', there's...
Up you pop, mush.
ENGINE STARTS So, Dad, me and Rich were thinking of sort of...
It's my birthday and everything, so we were thinking of...
Concentrate. Nice and easy, just like I taught you.
Right. Yeah.
Nice one.
Nice and gently, couple of fingers worth.
Not too much choke.
He's a good lad, Dew.
LOUD MUSIC PHONE RINGS RINGING TONE
'Finally!'
I swear, if you've been ultra-w*nk*ng...
Problem.
'Oh, here we f*cking go.'
I think I'm gonna be late to the pub.
Rich, how hot should tractors get?
I'm not at the pub, Alo.
I'm... at your surprise party.
'What?'
Yeah. Happy birthday... you ungrateful c**t.
LIV: 'Happy birthday, Alo!'
Oh, sh*t! Mate, I can't get away. Mumgabe's doing her nut.
Tell him he's scheduled to entertain the young debutante.
Liv's got you a practice girl.
What?
Like, a real one? Does she look good?
Um...
No. I think it's retinal.
What? Look, listen, mate, if there was ever a rock-solid, iron-clad, balls-in chance of you getting laid, then this is definitely it. All right?
LIV: 'Tell him you've done the vol-au-vents.'
RICHY: 'Yeah, I've done f*cking vol-au-vents.'
So finish up and get your sh*t together.
ENGINE CUTS OUT Oh, come on!
What happened here? Get out.
I dunno, it just sort of... it just sort of went.
Dad, there's this, er... there's this party...
He overheated it.
So I should probably, er... I should probably be heading off, then.
Alo, we need to sort this.
Dad, it's my birthday. Rich is...
Fine.
Just go, then, Bey.
But you need to...
Nice one, Da'!
I think he's f*cked it.
(HOWLING)
DOGS BARK
(LAUGHING)
CLUCKING sh*t my balls!
Has a w*r started?
Where did you go last night, Alo?
Nowhere.
All right, town. But I had to, Rich did vol-au-vents.
I don't care what dr*gs your friends were taking.
But Dad said...
Your father should have asked me.
These arrived for you in the post this morning. Your projected grades.
There's an application form for Nando's stapled to them.
No, there isn't.
Oh, this is just victimisation!
We've decided you're leaving college.
Today.
What?
We tried to be reasonable with you, Alo, but last night was the final straw.
We tried to give you a choice, but you have let yourself down again, haven't you?
From now on, you're gonna work here with your father so we can keep an eye on you.
You're joking?
I'm not leaving college, Mum.
We're meeting Mr Blood at ten.
Put your suit on.
Mum, I'm not leaving college.
Check out the sh*t heap.
Nice car!
Mum!
Stay in the car with the dog, Dewi.
Not today, thank you, Richard.
So, here on the form, where it says "reason for leaving", I'll just put "simpleton", OK?
He's just a bit...
Useless?
Well, it's very refreshing to see parents taking an honest appraisal of their child's limitations.
We just don't know what else to do with him.
Of course you don't. And why should you?
Now, I am required to suggest that Alo picks up some kind of vocational outlet.
The world needs ditch diggers too, and all that.
Well, he'll be working with his father, on the farm.
How, er... agricultural.
Just in case, an old college chum of mine runs a medical testing facility.
They're giving away free Xboxes to new admissions.
Old Xbox or Xbox 360?
SLIDING Blatantly on a piece of string.
All right, fun police.
What the f*ck's going on?
My mum's in there, ruining my life.
We know. That's why we're doing a kidnap on you.
Oh. Nice one. Where are we going?
Rich?
Um... We've only planned this far.
So...
Pub?
ALL: Pub.
BURLESQUE MUSIC Nice one!
So you're just going to roll over?
Well, what else can I do?
Go Viking on that sh*t. Burn the fucker down.
No... Couldn't do it to the old boy.
So where do you draw the line?
You're a person, Alo, not a cow.
It's your life, so you get to choose. That's the deal.
I know they're being shitty, but I can't just wreck the farm.
It's all they've got, and I...
You know...
No, what?
I love them and stuff.
Ha-ha. You're gay for your parents.
MEN CHEERING Grace! Come on.
And what exactly are we doing in this sh*t hole?
They've done a kidnap on me.
Alo fancies his parents, even though they're making him drop out for free sl*ve labour on the farm.
You've got to do something, mate. Cos it won't stop.
They'll just keep grinding you down till you're miserable and soulless and old, just like them.
You've got to stick it to the man, bruv.
Bollocks.
Aloysius Schmeichel Creevey!
f*cking sell-out, Rags!
It's no good you sulking, Alo. You've officially left college now.
Yes, Mum.
I've planned out your day for you.
You should have this lot finished by bath time.
Yes, Mum.
I'm only thinking of you, Alo. You may not like it, but you've had your chances.
Yes, Mum.
Hasn't he, Owen?
Oh. Yes, dear.
Oh...!
ENGINE STARTS
♪ I've got a destination
♪ And I'm on my way ♪
Now, I want you to take all this lumber, all this... bits of tat and that, and sort out a great big old bonny.
You know? Like, er, like for a witch. Huh. Yeah. And then... take...
Well, take it round the back, but be careful of the mice.
And then just set fire to the bloody lot.
Proper job, eh?
See?
See.
See. (CHUCKLES)
(COUGHS)
COWS MOO
(GRUNTS)
Whoo... f*ck.
What are you playing at?
This should have been done an hour ago.
It's been hectic in here, Dad.
I think I need a brew.
No, Alo.
But I'm gasping.
Just do as you're told for once.
It's me who gets in the neck, you know.
And put your bloody shoe back on.
♪ THE MOONDOGGIES: Undertaker
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
(COUGHS) Yeah, old bey'll do the ploughing.
We've got to move all the rocks, like.
(MUMBLES) You don't, you f*ck up the blade.
Then we'd be up sh*t creek. (GROANS)
Simple as that. Yeah.
(MUMBLES)
You got to keep your wits about you.
I remember once, there's a rock n-n-no bigger than your fist...
You know what, Dewi?
Half the time, no-one can understand a f*cking word you're saying!
♪ I can't fight
♪ I ain't bettin' on a worried hand
♪ I keep walkin' through
♪ A worried land ♪
(WHISTLING)
We'll have to pick up the pace.
♪ I ain't bettin' on a losing hand ♪
You need to learn this stuff, Alo. You need to know what you're doing.
I do know what I'm doing.
Well, not that one.
I can do it, Da'.
I said leave it, bey.
Dad, I said I can do it.
That one don't move, bey. It's always been there.
So just do as you're told, see?
(GROANS)
f*ckin'...
Told you.
Fine where it was.
Yeah, it's fine isn't it, Da'?
Yeah, we all just like it the way it is, don't we?
Where you going, bey?
Just doing as I'm told, Da'.
Sticking to Ma's list.
♪ Went looking for a place to hide ♪
Alo?
COW MOOS What are you doing in 'ere?
Nothing.
What's that smell?
That's cow sh*t, Mum.
Don't get smart with me, my lad. Why isn't that barn cleared?
Just sticking to your schedule, Mum.
If you were sticking to it, you'd be bathing Rags by now.
Rags doesn't like baths.
He's farm property, Alo. He likes what the farm tells him to like.
Lot of that going around, isn't there?
Will you speak to your son?
What?
He's taking the piss, Owen, and it's you letting him do it.
All right, love.
Mum, lay off him.
If I wanted your opinion, Aloysius, I'd ask for it.
Sorry, Mum.
Come on, hen, I'll make a brew. It's all right.
It's not all right.
Everything that boy touches turns to sh*t.
You're a disgrace, Aloysius Creevey. You're a disgrace to me and you're a disgrace to this family.
Mum!
Oh, don't start, Alo.
Dad?
She's right, bey.
You need to sort yourself out.
Owen! Am I going to have to make that cup of tea myself?
Coming, hen.
(COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)
BELLOWING MOOING
Bessie?
Bey, you all right? What...
Alo?
Please don't tell Mum.
Mum, it was an accident. I didn't mean to. Mum!
Mum!
You can't just take all my stuff.
Don't! Mum!
CLATTERING Pack this lot up now.No!
Where's Rags going to sleep?
No f*cking way.
She's taking Rags, Dad.
Dad, she's taking my f*cking dog!
Look, I don't care about the van, all right?
The computer, the telly, whatever.
Just not Rags, all right?
Yeah?
(SHOUTS) All right, Dad?
Please?
DOOR SLAMS We'll be back later tonight.
I want that list done by the time we're home.
Any problems, just give your Aunty Pippa a ring.
Ma says her fella'll give us a good price for this lot.
And we'll sort the damage out when...
Right, well...
ENGINE TURNS ENGINE TURNS
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS)
Matty?
Yeah, we're sticking it to the man.
And his mum's not in, is she?
No, he specifically said free house.
Good, cos she was f*cking intense.
Oh, my God!
Ultimate condom milk b*mb w*r!
Bring it on!
Oi!
(THEY SQUEAL AND YELL)
Here, help me, help me, back me up.
Ow!
Get in the bin!
Come on!
Oi!
OK, guys. Bum's rush on three.
One, two, three!
Why didn't you run?
I didn't want to mess up your hair.
I love you quite a bit, Rich.
Eurgh!
You remember the other day when we were going to...
Mm, yeah?
So, tonight, then?
In those clouds.
Look, there's Kanye West and there's the pig.
Oh!
Poor pig.
So you're fine with Nick coming over, then?
So long as he doesn't make us run drills, the more the merrier.
You know, I think you should call more people.
In fact, call everyone you know...
Alo... And we're gonna need supplies, lots of supplies.
Let's just think about this.
I have thought about it, Rich.
Do it.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS)
And I said...
Yeah, hey, Mum.
Mum.
Mum!
Mum! Mu-u-u-um!
Mu-u-u-u-u-um!
ALO: Woo!
Woooo!
Woooo! Wooo-hoo!
Minerva McGuinness!
What?
Is that not your full name?
f*cking hell, Farm Boy. Put your jaw on straight.
Do you want some?
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a really good look.
(REGGAE TURNED OFF)
♪ DUBSTEP: Guess I got My Swagger Back Hi, babes.
All right?
Yeah. Just have to try and not touch anything.
Who's your crusty boyfriend?
f*ck off. He's Matty's mate or something.
Oh, I see. We wouldn't want Matty getting jealous, would we?
What the f*ck are you on about?
I... I've seen the way you look at each other.
I say go for it.
Liv'd do it to you in a heartbeat.
You know what, Mini?
I'm trying really f*cking hard to show people that you're not a complete bitch.
♪ Guess I got my swagger back Guess I got my swagger back
♪ Guess I got my swagger back Guess I got my swagger back ♪
d*ke!
Hey, buddy, what's your problem?
You all right?
What was that... in there?
Just some prick.
Franky... what's the deal?
What do you mean?
I mean, like... like, do you like boys or...?
Cos no-one cares.
f*ck, I could tell you some stories about Mini that'd surprise you.
People get curious, that's all.
Fair enough.
sh*t my balls!
Oi! Mash face! Your 'rents are back.
Huh?
(RAISED VOICES)
Right. Nice one.
Attention, everyone, please!
Can I have your attention?
I just wanted to thank everyone for coming.
My parents are back now and they are gonna be dicks.
ALL: Boo!
But-but-but in the spirit of this evening, which has been... sticking it to the f*cking man!
(CHEERING)
Let's get naked, go out there and show those old f*ckers who's boss.
(CHEERING)
Isn't your dad a farmer?
Yeah.
Has he got any g*ns?
Well, yeah, a few. So?
Bail! Bail!
(PANICKED VOICES)
Stop pushing me!
Oh. Hi, guys.
What?
I didn't leave the farm.
What is this? What have you done?
Oh, here we f*cking go.
Come on, then, Dad, let's have it, shall we?
Why don't you tell me exactly what Mum thinks?
Right, my boy...
Owen, don't!
Oh, sorry, Mum. Does he need your permission first?
Look at you.
You're ball-less and miserable and f*cking... old.
What are you gonna do, eh?
(SHOUTS) What are you gonna do?!
(HE GROANS)
Owen? Owen! What's happening?
Dewi, call an ambulance.
Get away from him! Mum, I...
(SHOUTS) I said get away from him!
(GROANING)
Get out of my sight!
(GROANING AND GASPING)
All right, love. You're all right. It's OK.
Dewi's going to call an ambulance.
You're going to be fine.
(PANTS)
(CHILL-OUT MUSIC PLAYS)
Creevey!
Welcome to Chez Levan.
The old boy's off conferencing for the weekend and Matty said we should party so I just thought, "Yeah, why not?"
Just the kind of guy I am.
Franky...
♪ Ain't no party like an after-party ♪
(MOANING)
(ECSTATIC MOANING, HEAVY BREATHING)
What was that?
(HE SOBS)
You OK, Farm Boy?
I think I f*cked up.
It's only a bit of flour and eggs.
I can't say the place was a palace to begin with.
No, like... really, really f*cked up.
(SNIFFLES)
It's just when did it all get so f*cking hard?
Well... that's what happens.
But you adapt, don't you?
You look at what's changed and you find a way to own it.
I think I'll just go and see Rich.
You're actually all right.
Aren't you?
Yeah.
I am all right.
I thought you were f*cking off.
(PLINK!)
(SHOUTS) Rich!
(SHOUTS) Rich!
Mate, I'm sorry, I know it's late and your dad'll go mental, but... remember when we were kids and we used to talk about just... just f*cking it, running away and becoming roadies? Well...
Has Hannah Montana d*ed or something?
Guess what I just did?
With Grace?
Yes, of course with Grace.
f*ck!
(HE CHUCKLES)
Nice one.
I keep thinking, you know, me and you.
We're growing up and it's f*cking awesome.
This is it, mate.
(CHUCKLES) We're f*cking living.
You all right?
Yeah.
Just chuffed for you.
So what did you want to see me about?
Doesn't matter.
Have a good night, yeah?
Yeah, you too, man.
Rich?
Yeah?
Give her one for me, yeah?
f*ck off!
(SIREN WAILS)
The thing about arable is, you know... takes patience.
Mm...
Heat of the moment, things happen, eh? I remember once in Dorset I... (MUMBLES)
Course, they... they never proved nothing.
Have you ever had a CAT scan? Mm?
I... I got a cat.
Rags!
Hey!
Oh, Rags, I've missed you. Rags. Yeah.
Your da' wouldn't let her do it, would he, boy?
Eh...? (SNIFFS)
How is he, Dewi?
Home.
They only kept him in here for a few hours.
High blood pressure.
Mind you, it was off the f*cking chart.
So he's fine?
Oh, I wouldn't say that, he's got a bad couple of years coming.
But he knew that anyway.
He didn't want to worry you about it.
Hey, I knew you'd come by.
That's why I waited.
You want a lift home?
I dunno.
Hey, you're a Creevey man, boy.
And you always will be.
Huh?
Come on. Hey! Hey.
Where is he?
Like you care.
Of course I care, Mum.
If you cared, Alo, you wouldn't have done this to us.
You knew he wasn't well.
No, I didn't. You don't tell me anything.
Can you blame us?
I'm sorry, Mum.
I just don't know what to do with you any more, Alo.
I'm gonna try, OK?
I'm really gonna try to be better.
You need to try too.
Sometimes you make me feel so f*cking useless.
But I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna grow up.
If you want me, I'll be on top field.
(TRACTOR STARTS UP)
Try alternating 'em.
Nice one, bey.
Nice one, Da'.
To be or not to be, that is the question.
Let's get f*cked up. I brought you a present.
Whether is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Oh, Rich, no!
Matt and I have decided we don't want to be in the play.
But you're the leads, we need you. or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them.
Everything is going to be fine, I promise you.
Everyone's happy when Grace is around!
I'm going away, Rich. What about us?
5x06 - Alo
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The story of a group of British teens who are trying to grow up and find love and happiness despite questionable parenting and teachers who more want to be friends (and lovers) rather than authority figures.
The story of a group of British teens who are trying to grow up and find love and happiness despite questionable parenting and teachers who more want to be friends (and lovers) rather than authority figures.