5x08 - Everyone

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

That's nice.

Do you love her?

I love you.

But do you love her?

If you care then why did you f*ck my best friend?

Mins!

I have decided that you will be returning to Mayberry's after all.

What??!

So marry me, Grace Violet Blood.

I do.

♪ Well, I'm just waiting for my chance... ♪

I do.

♪ to come Just a silhouette... ♪

I do, I do, I do!

♪ Watch the water, watch the sky Count the days as they go by
♪ I'm just waiting for my chance to come... ♪

(SHOUT FROM OUTSIDE ROOM)

Alo! Alo...!

Alo, get me off the f*cking roof!

sh*t, my balls!

♪ Cos it's hard to feel like
♪ You're worth something in this life
♪ When you're walking next to me
♪ I can hear my body speak
♪ We're just waiting for a chance to come
♪ We're just waiting for a chance to come
♪ Your motor smile is b*rned in me
♪ When I close my eyes it's all I see
♪ Among the canyons in the stars You're the guide inside my heart
♪ I'm just waiting for my chance to come
♪ And you're just looking for a way out of here
♪ You're waiting to see this old life far disappear
♪ Take a gamble on your heart It will lead you through the dark
♪ You're just waiting for your chance to come
♪ Cos it's hard to feel like
♪ You're worth something in this life
# When you're walking next to me... #

(DOOR OPENS)

♪ I can hear my body speak
♪ We're just waiting for a chance to come
♪ We're just waiting for a chance to come... ♪

No, I'm her best friend. And I've been looking after her.

Is she OK?

No, she's not OK, OK? You've made her ill.

I haven't done anything.

We all have to make an effort today and that includes you, amazingly.

I mean, you've done a pretty great job ignoring her calls, so, please, do not f*ck with her head today.

Promise me.

Yes. I promise.

Good. Toodles!

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Where are you off to so early?

To, um, Liv's.

To, like, say goodbye to everyone.

OK.

But we need to leave the Mayberry's by one.

I could pick you up en route?

No...

It'll be fine. I'll be back.

I have a little something for you.

Oh... thank you.

To new beginnings.

There we go.
(BEEP)

Give Daddy a huggy-wuggy, then.

(BEEPING)

Lovely.

Just a trim, OK?

Trust me, mate. Grace is gonna love it.

Ooh!

A-a-ah!

There, that's it. That's it, good lad. Good, good lad.

I feel violated.

It's called wind around your ears, mate.

I look like... Justin Bieber.

You take that back.

All right, sorry, sorry, sorry.

You, you look like a man who's just made the ultimate sacrifice, for lurve.

Right, er... rain check. Rings?

You should know, best man.

Oh, yeah.

(CLINKING)

Er...

Suits are all sorted.

Dare I ask how?

Da and Dewi used to be in a Beatles tribute band together.

I fished 'em out...

I'm going to ignore that.

Matty and Nick are taking care of...

Catering's sorted, boss.

Oh, my days, Justin Bieber!

Oh, sh*t.

f*ck's sake.

♪ I, I don't need too much Just somebody to love... ♪

Hey, guys.

All right?

What's in the box?

Ta-da!

Dad made the cake. And I made the dress.

Wow. Awesome, Franks.

It's amazing, Franky.

Put it on, then.

♪ JONQUIL: Lions
♪ And all the towns we built
♪ We built them so... ♪

Beautiful.

♪ The humans disappeared... ♪

Let's chill those jitters out, yeah?

Better get the glad rags on, then.

♪ The council wasn't there
♪ Just answer phone... ♪

Need a hand?

Um, VBL.

Visible boxers' line.

You smooth while I pull, OK?

Do I look like a d*ck?

No.

You look... amazing.

Now, remember what I said.

You...

I deserve better.

(HORN TOOTS OUTSIDE)

Oh, my God, they're here!

♪ I'm the passenger
# I ride and I ride... #

(GIRLS CHEER)

Let's get these f*ckers to the slaughter!

♪ I'm the passenger
♪ I stay under glass
♪ I looked you out my window so bright
♪ I see the stars come out tonight
♪ I see the bright and hollow sky
♪ Over the city a rip in the sky
♪ And everything looking good tonight... ♪

(BEEPING)

♪ Rich looks a d*ck and Grace is well fit... ♪

So, the vicar...? All sorted.

He's a bit... back street. But it's all cool.

Dewi had a word. They used to be in a Beatles tribute band together.

If one note of All We f*cking Need Is Love plays, I'm gonna piss all over his organ, Al. I swear.

Yes, all right, Richard.

What's that? Dewi did it himself.

What, when everyone thought the Earth was still flat?

Alo, you do know how to get there, don't you?

Yeah, all sorted. Turn right here, we'll be there in no time.

Er, Alo, you sure about this? Where are you taking us through?

A special sort of short cut, B route, Rich.

What, through f*cking Helmand?

Well done, Alo. It's a dead end.

Nah, it's fine. I can get round that. Alo, no.

I can make it.

No! See?

sh*t!

f*ck's sake, Alo! I told you, you never listen.

I'm sorry, OK?

There's your answer.

f*cking idiot!

Everyone good?

Yep.

All good.

Yeah, all good.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS sh*t!

It's going nowhere. Everyone out.

Anyone got reception?

Nope.

Right...

Let's get this show back on the shitty road.

I thought we had discussed the Matthew situation.

What?

What the f*ck were you doing back there?

I don't know, Mini, OK?

Woo-hoo! HORN BLASTS, MUSIC PLAYS Put a donk on it, people!

What the f*ck is he on?

Franky?

That's called grooming.

May I have this dance?

MUSIC STOPS This isn't the m*therf*cking reception, Franky.

Guys, she's dead.

What do you mean by "dead", Alo?

You can fix it, right?

Look! It's... it's a freaking angel!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, it's a car.

Of course it's a f*cking car, Nick.

Hello.

We have to get married in two hours at Chepston.

Well, isn't that an alignment? We're off to sell our creation at their craft fair.

What about the others? They've got to be there.

Well, we have to be. And... they will be. Right?

My angel!

No, that's an angel.

Leave the angel alone, Nick.

What direction's it in, man?

Cross country as the crow flies, about an hour. Veer southwest.

Thank you, my henna-handed honcho.

Fingers!

Don't worry, dude.

Everything will be OK.

We'll be there. Bye, guys.

Have fun, kids. Bye, honey.

I won't let you down, man!

Bye.

Bye.

Maybe they're... post-apocalyptic savages, that'll eat them alive and make, like, pants from their skin and a f*cking glockenspiel from their bones and sh*t.

Shut the f*ck up, Nick.

Southwest.

South... south...

Alo...

A horse sh*t!

Farm boy, what the f*ck?

Once more unto the breach, my friends.

Now, who's with me?!

♪ I don't know what I've been told Eskimo p*ssy is mighty cold... ♪

Hey, Alo, you've got to teach me that trick, man, with the sh*t.

Luncheon already? It's nearly one, David.

How my idle morning has flown.

BEEPING CHOKES Where on earth are you going?

To retrieve our fugitive daughter.

♪ Now in all of my wildest dreams
♪ It never once was seen... ♪

Pit stop, you beautiful wankers!

We've only just started, you prick.

One for the road, Mini.

Beer rain! There is a God!

What the f*ck was that for?

We've got our friend's wedding to get to, Mr I Don't Give A f*ck About Anything Or Anyone.

You're wrong, I do.

What about our agreement?

Mini?

What agreement?

You deserve better, remember?

Have you been saying sh*t behind my back?

I told him to stay away, OK?

I can't hack this any more.

Let's go.

I'll see you at the church.

No, no, no, we can't split up.

I can get us there, I promise.

Come with us. If you like.

No way! She's staying right here.

Come on, Franky.

Franky, I... I'm trying to protect you.

Mini, I'll see you later, OK?

He just wants to f*ck you and then f*ck you up!

Good.

So you put an insect thingy on her?

A bug. We'll catch her soon enough.

She isn't a dog, David.

Could you unwrap another Werther's for me, please, Sonia?

And each child rings a year on the tree of our love we planted on our wedding day.

How many do you have, Crystal?

13.

No more travelling the world like a scag-injected tumbleweed.

I rooted in the soil of our marriage.

Diesel was a roadie.

Oh, really? Who for?

Throbbing Gristle, er, Alien Sex Fiend, er... Napalm Death...

No f*cking way!

Way, way wayward, spiritually bereft.

Bullshit.

Now I hunter-gather!

And I tend to his loin-fruits.

I wonder how the g*ng are doing.

Alo'll get 'em there.

We're shafted... and it's all my fault.

Some f*cking best man I am!

Er, Als, you know the negative sh*t's a real downer.

I'm worried about Franky, we shouldn't have left her.

Something bad's going to happen and I... and I can't stop it now.

Well, if anyone can, McGuinness can.

Go... or you'll regret it.

Slide off me, sweatbox.

But Nick needs a come-down cuddle.

See you at the church, Alo!

Ho-bag.

I dunno. I mean, we've still got to get there, right?

Let go. You want to, right?

A bit of mandy will help us along.

OK.

OK, cool.

sh*t.

I'll ask him where we are.

Watch my back.

Er, good day... squire.

Might this be like Chepston, perchance?

Can you tell me or does my boyf have to give you a BJ first?

Next one along.

Thank you kindly.

This is what we do.

CHURCH BELLS RING

Er, Franks?

We need to find a cab.

Yeah, I'm just gonna get some booze for the wedding first.

Impressive!

GLASS BREAKING

Come on, guys.

sh*t, Franks.

Have you done this before?

BELLS TINKLE MATTY PLAYS THE PIANO

Game on... Mattster.

MATTY CONTINUES TO PLAY PIANO

(WHISPERS) It's OK.

DOOR OPENING

Let's go.

Here, take this.

THEY LAUGH

I'll have your heads on the wall!

SHRIEKING LAUGHTER

And don't come back!

It's called grunge revival, OK?!

Oh, ground, swallow me whole, please.

Oh, erm...

Hi! Have you by any chance seen, erm, two girls and a boy?

Bugger off!

Er, rudeness!

THEY PANT AND LAUGH LIV SHRIEKS Why did you stop me?

She isn't a f*cking experiment.

I thought that was what you wanted.

I'm trying to fix us, Matty.

I want you.

I love you.

But...

But... it's not enough, is it?

And all the chemicals in the world can't make it enough.

I'd swallow razor blades to see you smile, but even that wouldn't do it.

Look, Liv, please, let's just catch her up.

I don't want her with us now, OK?

She's off it, she'll get lost.

And I won't?!

No, Liv.

You'll always be OK.

And that girl will always be lost!

Sure you ain't got pills, Al Capone?

One more time.

One more f*cking time!

Al! Al!

Al! Have you double-double-checked?

No! I do not have any pharma-f*cking-ceuticals, Nicholas!

Argh!

Oh, don't take your dependency out on me, all right?

Now, come on, pick up the pace.

One, two, three, four!

(NICK GROANS)

Look, I'll roll you a spliff if you pick the pace up to ten...

I'm trapped! Ah!

f*cking hell!

Right, easy, easy, easy.

Aaah!

Like serpents coiled in perpetual yin-yang mating.

DIESEL: Spiritual Siamese twins with male-to-female body parts.

CRYSTAL: Your lives are one.

DIESEL: My key fits her lock.

CRYSTAL: His cotton bud cleans my ear.

BOTH: To hear the glory of our union!

Slit my wrists now.

What?

Not long before...

You're welded together forever.

Ace.

Go on without me!

I'll die here alone. It's all I deserve.

Just keep your leg still, all right? You're in a rabbit snare.

Ow! Save yourself andleave me to the bears!

We're in Somerset, Nick!

To the f*cking squirrels, then!

Ah!

Go!

Just shut up, all right?

Shut up and keep your frigging leg still!

Oh, bloody hell, Nick!

When did you last change these?!

It's not them.

That's the smell of a loser's death.

You're not a loser.

You're a bit of a prick, but peel away that prick... and there's a good man in there.

Come on, big boy!

No... No!

Arise, sire!

Argh!

My beer. I want my beer.

No, let it go.

You're a good... good bloke, Alo.

Yeah, I know.

Liv!

Where is, er... everyone else?

Like Franky?

Your girl crush is so blatant.

What?!

Where's your man, then?

I think I've... f*cked things up, big style.

So... where is he?

Looking for her.

(CHURCH BELL RINGS)

Oh... I'm afraid you've missed your slot.

I'm just starting the born-again-agains' baptisms.

But I could fit you in in an hour?

Potentially.

Oh, right.

Ah. Oh, 16.23!

And a Refresher! Done.

Where's that young Creevey and the rest of your party?

(VICAR SIGHS)

Oh, well, there's almost an hour yet.

All you need is two witnesses.

Uh...

They'll be here.

You reckon?

They have to be - they're our friends, Rich.

Let's just find two people for, like, backup.

Two people - easy.

Oh, my God!

Come on!

We're gonna live!

A road!

We're gonna live!

We're saved!

But there's loads of room!

Oh, very salubrious, Bertie.

Er, hi.

Oh, hello, lad.

Will you be here in an hour?

Oh, can't say!

We've not got long.

Oh, yeah, good one.
(WHISPERS) No way.

We need two witnesses so we can get married, cos everything's gone wrong and... Please.

Of course, dear, of course.

In an hour, then.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah. OK.

Thank you.

Liv?

Matty?

Are you OK?

I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I thought...

Where's Liv?

I tried to stay away from you and I can't.

Here we are...

It's not random.

You feel it, right?

I really want to f*cking kiss you, but I can't.

Then why are you head-f*cking me?!

Franky, don't...

Just as f*cked in the head as you are.

You know, when I was six, teacher asked me to think of something beautiful.

I said 9/11.

Saw it on the TV in this care home with the sound on mute.

Teacher told me how many people had d*ed.

And all the other kids in the class cried, and I knew then that I was... wrong.

I guess that's why my parents gave me up.

Because they knew, too... right from the beginning.

(RUMBLING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Franky?

Get off me. Get off me!

(FRANKY SOBS)

Franky, wait! Franky!

Franky, come back! Franky!

Please...

What the hell happened?

What the f*ck have you done?

ALL: Franky!

Franky, please, come back!

ALL: Franky!

(SCREAMS)

Franky!

Franky!

(WHIMPERS)

Franky!

Can you see her?

She's here! Franky, hold on!

Take my hand, Franky.

Go away.

Please, Franky!

Franky, take my hand!

Franky, please, please!

I'm so sorry, Franky!

Come on, please, take my hand.

OK!

MATTY: Want a hand?

OK?

Franky... did he... hurt you?

It's not what it looks like, Liv. I swear, she just lost it.

I just... wanted to feel... normal.

Ah!

BOTH: David f*cking Blood!

sh*t.

Oh...

Oh, f*cking...

Hey, stop! Stop! Stop, please!

(HORN TOOTS)

They went and got battered.

They're supposed to be our friends.

Just us now.

This is so not what I dreamed of.

Why did you cut your lovely hair?

I asked for a trim.

Guess I look the part, I suppose. Mr and Mrs Mainstream.

Did you actually think that's what I wanted?

Grace!

(ENGINE REVS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

BOTH: Blood is coming!

But my bridesmaids...!

Nick, do the honours.

Bring it on.

♪ Sit back and wave through the daylight
♪ Sit back and wave through the daylight
♪ Slip and slide on subway grates
♪ These shoes are poor man's ice skates
♪ Fall through like change in the daylight
♪ Fall through like change in the daylight
♪ I miss yellow lines in my roads Some colour on monochrome
♪ Maybe I'll paint them in myself
♪ Maybe I'll paint them in myself... ♪

All we need is love.

(SNIGGERS) Great.

All we need is...

To get on with the service.

DOOR OPENS Not on God's holy earth.

How did you know I was here?

He put an electric insect thing on you.

A bug, for the billionth time.

I'm your daughter, not al-Qaeda.

You are coming home with us.

DOOR OPENS Hey, Grace.

You're all here!

Look at what this motley crew have done to our little girl.

I'm not your little girl.

Her future's hers, David, not ours.

You... you corrupters are all, all, expelled.

You can't do that, sir.

Oh, look how the mighty have fallen.

Yeah. I fell... down a f... reaking k-hole, actually, but these guys caught me.

It's what mates do. Cos it's screwed up out there.

I don't know if you've been outside lately, but it is. But we have a go.

Whatever comes, we have a good go at it.

Cos it's all we can do.

Right, then, so be it.

But we shall take no further part in this ridiculous melodrama.

Sonia!

So, are we going to, you know... get married?

Don't ever cut your hair again.

Not gonna.

It'll grow. You're still my metal man, my own Tin Man.

So things are good, right, with us?

Yeah. So do we really need to change things?

You could just take me to be your boyfriend.

Totally.

I can't walk any more.

Like, ever again.

Hark!

I sense merriment afoot.

(SNIFFS)

Let's go!

Alo!

GROANING Oh, please...

Alo!

I can't even walk!

Alo, where the f*ck are you going?

Woo-hoo! Woo!

WHOOPING Take a piece of cake.

Take it, take it.

WHOOPING I told you! Yes! Yes!

Ta-da!

OK!

It's not your fault.

We had a good day, didn't we?

What?

The day we met.

I don't want to f*ck with that memory any more.

Let's just... see it out in style.

Are you OK?

I used to... beam myself away, go somewhere in my head where I felt less... weird.

You're not.

Who'd have thought, the three of us sharing a peace pipe?

Let's try not to f*ck it this time.

You're missing my not-wedding-after-party.

♪ DOG IS DEAD: Glockenspiel Song
(ALL) We are a mess, we are failures and we love it!

(ALL) We are a mess, we are failures and we love it!

(ALL) We are a mess, we are failures and we love it!

(ALL) We are a mess, we are failures and we love it!