01x03 - Take Me as I Am, Whoever I Am

[bunniefuu]

♪ We face the music together ♪

♪ And throw our hats
in the ring ♪

♪ Facing all kinds of weather ♪

♪ And not afraid of anything ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ When the sun comes up,
we'll be on our way ♪

♪ And we don't care
where we land ♪

♪ And the waves are high,
but we won't turn round ♪

♪ 'Cause your hand
is in my hand ♪

♪ And, oh-oh ♪

♪ You make me feel invincible ♪

♪ 'Cause it's you and me ♪

♪ Through the wind and hail ♪

♪ Setting sail into the world. ♪

♪ ♪

Who am I?

I'm...

hard to describe.

I mean, everyone's hard
to describe, right,

but I'mreally hard
to describe,

because
I've got this little...

thing. It's a little thing.

Nothing more.
Not like a big thing.

Well... it's big-ish.

Depending on the way
you look at it.

It's-it's-it's not tiny,
but it's not huge.

It's a thing,
that's all, but...

But, but...
how to tellyou about it?

Oh!

You want to know who I am?
Here's who I am.

I'm in a supermarket, years
ago, looking for some peaches.

Like, a craving for peaches.

You know the way
you wake up sometimes

with, like, a crazy,
crazy craving for peaches?

Well, like that,

and I'm shimmering.

But literally shimmering,
as I've chosen,

as my early-morning
supermarket-visit attire,

a sequin shirt
that I absolutely adore

and which I can never find
the right occasion for.

It matched my mood.

I was in a really good mood.

Which is kind of the problem.

♪ ♪

And then, when I thought my
mood couldn't get any better,

I spied...

vegetable counter.

My ostensible search
for peaches was in reality

a search for adventure.

Maybe even love.

I just didn't know it
at the time.

If you can find love
in a supermarket

early in the morning,
you know you can trust it.

No one's here to pull,
no one's looking

for an easy lay
or a one-night stand.

Guys aren't buoyed by Dutch
courage or high on cocaine.

Men are the real deal in here.

Plus, if you strike out,
you don't have to skulk off

into the night, empty-handed
like a total loser.

It's a store.

There's still bargains in here.

I like mine firm and juicy.

- And no bruises.
- So what are you looking for?

I had a hankering for a fruit
salad, but, um, not preprepared.

- Like, super fresh, you know?
- Right?

Because there's so much waste,
because you have to buy,

like, one of everything,
and then, by the time you want

fruit salad again, everything's
gone off just a little bit.

My conscience won't let me
make fruit salad for just me.

Unless, of course,
you have a load of kids

running around and a wife
to help you eat your fruit.

So, do you have a wife and kids

- to help you eat your fruit?
- Me? No, no.

- No?
- I don't, no.

- Hmm. Me, neither.
- Ooh.

Is that what you're looking for?

I guess.

Ultimately, uh...

No, I-I meant the peach.

Oh, the peach.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Right.

Right. Yeah.
No, totally came in for peaches.

Yeah, sure.

You, um... you okay?

You seem sort of...
crazy energized.

Oh, well, that'll be the 8-ball
I took this morning.

What?

No, I've been up
for a couple of nights.

- Like, um... like, three nights.
- No way.

- Mm-hmm.
- What, you got, like, a deadline, or something?

No. No, I just...

Uh, life's just too interesting
to sleep sometimes.

- You know what I mean?
- Right, right.

- Tell that to bears.
- Mm.

It's good to know
that other stuff, too, though.

What other stuff?

You know,
that you want those things.

Kids. A husband.

Why is that?

It's just good
to know those things

when you're going on a date
with someone.

Yeah. Yeah, it's useful.

So... where we going?

Anywhere. With you.

- Really?
- Yes.

I mean, you just, like,
totally brightened up my day.

I was all, like, tired.

Late night.
Woke up dejected, directionless,

and Rita Hayworth walks up
to me in the supermarket.

I mean, come on.

You just don't let stuff
like that pass you by

in life, unless you're a fool.

- I love you.
- What?

I love the way you talk.

I-I-I love it.

Oh. Thank you.

And, uh, thank you
for coming in here today.

You're so welcome.

So, um,
I'll see you Thursday evening.

Perfect.

You know...

Suddenly, work doesn't seem
that interesting to me.

Do you want to...
you want to grab breakfast?

- I just met you.
- You're going on a date with me.

Right, but a date is dinner.

Breakfast is intimate.
It's different.

Breakfast is, like, bed head

and tired and gloopy and...

It's no makeup, bright lights.

- It can go hideously wrong.
- Mm.

- So can dinner.
- That's what alcohol's for.

Okay.

Um... how about coffee?

- I can do coffee.
- Okay.

Um, can I get a scone?

No, that's breakfast.

♪ ♪

I'll see you Thursday.

♪ ♪

♪ I just met a man ♪

♪ In the peach aisle ♪

♪ With a twinkle in his eye ♪

♪ Today's world is kind ♪

♪ And fabulous ♪

♪ Not a cloud up in the sky. ♪

Okay, okay, enough.

This isn'tLa La Land.

I'm happy,
but it's still real life.

You get the idea.

The I.P. File.

- Remind me.
- The rapper suing the boy band.

Over the sample
they never paid for.

Right. I know that a rapper
is suing a band.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's so topsy-turvy. They want me on it?

- They insist on our new hotshot.
- Oh.

- Did they use those words?
- Of course.

I was the hotshot
until you arrived.

And look at you... like
a ginger cat who got the cream.

You look like Rita Hayworth.

You're the second person
to say that to me today.

- Who said that?
- A guy.

- Nice guy?
- Very nice.

Where did you meet him?
Somewhere late, I presume,

because you swanned in here
at 10:00 a.m.

And you look like you haven't
been home last night. Wha...?

The supermarket, this morning.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Who gets a date
at the supermarket? Really?

I was in cold meats and cheese.
He was in fruit and veg.

- We knew it was love.
- Maybe we can meet this one.

I thought you were seeing
that musician guy.

I was. It wasn't a match.

You're way too choosey.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, uh...

HR asked me to mention to you.

You missed, like,
four days out of 20.

Last month, apparently.

I know. I know, I know.

It's that
irritable bowel syndrome.

Really?
I'm very sorry to hear that.

It doesn't matter
how good you are at your job.

I just can't defend anyone

missing days like that
to our bosses.

I know. I'm totally on it.

Okay. Because I don't want
to lose you.

You just got here,
and I kind of like you.

I kind of like you, too.

Drinks later,
you can tell me all about him?

- Date.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

And this is where
the problem starts.

I don't know what kicks it off.

Blood sugar? Chemical?

Psychological? Who knows?

But it comes...

like a monster from an old
black and white movie, walking,

and no matter how fast you
run, he keeps up with you.

And there's only one place
he can't find you.

♪ ♪

Hello, Lexi?

Uh-huh.

It's Jeff.

I was just ringing to
confirm your street number.

Uh-huh.

Unless you want to cancel.

I... I mean,
you still have two minutes.

No.

Come over, yeah.

For the date.

So...

Rita Hayworth
got herself a date, huh?

Oh, hey.

Hi, Jeff.

Uh, um...

- --JEFF: Oh, sh*t.

sh*t, I'm sorry.

- Um...
- It's okay.

It's not getting off
to a great start.

- You okay?
- It's fine.

Uh...

Oh.

What is that?

It's a little wooden
carved peach.

Out of ash.

You're a woodturner?

No. I-I'm not a woodturner.

I passed it in a store.

It seemed symbolic.

Oh.

That's sweet.

Let's go?

Okay.

So, uh, where-where
do you want to go?

I don't care.
Just somewhere casual.

You okay?

Hmm? Sure.

So, what do you want to eat?

Muesli.

That might be hard right now.

It...

I know a place. Come on.

♪ ♪

- Here you go, Lex.
- Thanks, Cynthia.

You don't have a twin...
by any chance?

No.

- Thanks so much. Appreciate it.
- Of course.

This was, uh...

Do you want to get...

ice cream?

Okay.

Sure, yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Cool.

♪ ♪

♪ Lying in that
lonesome gutter ♪

♪ Staring at the stars... ♪

So, do you want
to come up for coffee...

- or sex or something?
- You know what?

I'm okay, actually.

Yeah, I understand.

Yeah. No, I-I should
just leave you to it.

To what?

To whatever it is
you're doing this evening

that's more interesting
than this.

You shouldn't feel obliged
to do this.

No. No, no, no, it's not that.

It's... I'm not...
I don't feel ob...

Okay,
I do feel obliged a little bit,

but it's really not
what you think.

It's, you know, I've...

I'm s...
I'm sick, and, uh...

I mean, I've had the flu,

and I just,
I don't really feel up to much.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why didn't you say that
earlier at...

You...

Yeah, yeah.
I'll-I'll sleep it off,

and we'll do this again
properly, you know?

Call me?

I'll tell you what, um...

you call me, if you want.

You have my number.

It began in high school.

One day,
I wanted to stay in bed.

My parents let me,
presumed I was sick,

as I couldn't physically
pull myself out of bed.

21 days later,
I was still there.

♪ ♪

Children have an amazing way of
dealing with new information.

They don't know
certain things aren't

the way they're supposed to be.

This is where I figured out
the knack for living with this.

I could make up for it with
intense bouts of productivity.

I would become a star student.

This is how I could miss
50% of the year...

by being brilliant
the other half.

Follow your dreams! Whoo!

Same at Vassar.

Weeks in my dorm
not coming out,

and then weeks in the library
making up for it,

getting k*ller grades.

What is wrong with you?

And then moving to New York.

I b*at out the competition
in numerous firms.

♪ ♪

Until, one by one,

they all realized my forensic
attention to detail,

burning off gallons of midnight
oil when I'm on a case,

simply wouldn't make up for my
disastrous attendance records.

Over the course of all this
was the countless couches...

the analysis,
the electroshock therapy,

the cognitive
behavioral therapy,

the drug therapy, you name it.

Meanwhile, I kept...

employers, family and friends

blissfully unaware
with excuses,

only showing up
when I was sure to impress.

This was how life became.

And no one
really knew who I was.

Yes. Lexi Donohoe.

Absolutely, yes. I am...

Uh, uh, by tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, I could have it
by tomorrow. Okay, no problem.

But...

as long as the clouds
ultimately passed,

I could deal with it.

Uh, speaking of which...

A perfect morning.

Birds tweeting
outside my window.

The smell of fresh-cut grass.

♪ ♪

Jeff!

Jeff, the nicest man
in the world.

Jeff with the loveliest smile

and all the potential in life

and the promise in one,
single human being.

Was 6:30 in the morning
too early to call Jeff?

No, it's fine.

Hello?

- Jeff?
- Yeah?

It's Lexi.

Really?

Is it too early?
It isn't too early, is it?

- Tell me it's not too early.
- Too early for what?

Breakfast.
This time, you have the muesli,

and I'll have the steak.

Are you the reverse
of everything?

Actually, you know what,
maybe I am.

Are you okay?

What was really up with you
the other night?

Oh, nothing, nothing.
I was just tired.

I've been crazy busy at work.
That doesn't matter now.

Can I see you tonight?
Do you want to have dinner?

Go to a movie? Go to a club?

I don't know,
I just want to see you.

Aw, sh*t,
tonight's kind of tricky.

Um...

how about Tuesday?

Tuesday?
Tuesday's a-a lifetime away.

Who even knows
if we'll make it to Tuesday?

It's tomorrow.
I think we have a good chance.

With you-know-who in power?

No, no, no, anything
could happen in 24 hours.

Let's just, come on,
what's wrong with tonight?

Okay, okay.
What's so special about tonight?

'Cause I don't want to waste
another day of not knowing you.

That's nice.

So, see you tonight?

My place? I'll cook?

Okay.

Okay. Bye.

I don't know about you, but...
when I'm in this kind of mood,

it's like
I'm in the title sequence

from my own TV show.

♪ ♪

♪ Lexington Avenue ♪

♪ Wind in your hair ♪

♪ The city is calling
your name ♪

♪ Lexi ♪

♪ Jazz and rock music ♪

♪ In Washington Square ♪

♪ If you were ever doubting ♪

♪ That you could climb
a mountain ♪

♪ Now's your time ♪

♪ Lexi, Lexi, Lexi girl ♪

♪ New York is your own town ♪

♪ Lexi, Lexi, Lexi girl ♪

- ♪ Are you up or are you ♪
- Wow.

♪ Down...? ♪

How are you doing today, Lexi?

Up or down?

What do you think, Alec?

Wow.

- ♪ It's a beautiful world ♪
- ♪ Beautiful world ♪

- ♪ For a bipolar girl ♪
- ♪ Bipolar girl ♪

♪ It's a beautiful world ♪

♪ Bi, bi, bipolar girl ♪

♪ For a bipolar girl ♪

♪ Bi, bi, bi ♪

♪ You're a bipolar girl. ♪

Ooh.

I got to clean the bipolar
out of this place.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ When they had the earthquake ♪

♪ In San Francisco ♪

♪ Back in 1906 ♪

♪ They said
that ol' Mother Nature ♪

♪ Was up to her old tricks... ♪

Here was pure joy.

Hollywood at its absolute,
shameless best.

Every hair in place.

Every move a picture.
Not a step wrong.

Then I remembered an oft
quoted line by Rita Hayworth:

"Every man I knew
went to bed with Gilda

and woke up with me."

♪ She started to shim
and shake ♪

And I felt very sad.

♪ That brought on
the Frisco quake ♪

♪ So you can put the blame
on Mame, boys ♪

♪ Put the blame ♪

♪ On Mame. ♪

Please.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Come on, come on. Come on.

And there it is.

The silence.

The sickening silence
of another man walking out

of my life before getting
past the porch door.

A silence of my own making.

Like a jealous, crazy mother
shooing teenagers

from her doorstep with
her daughter locked upstairs.

Would he have stayed?

Jeff?

If he had known?

♪ ♪

If I came clean that time
in the supermarket and said,

"Oh, by the way, I'm bipolar.

I'm dealing with it. Will you?"

Would he have run for the hills
or the frozen food section

with an "okeydokey"
and a polite smile?

Here was a man who didn't
want his peaches bruised.

How would he deal
with a damaged psyche?

Please come back,
don't come back.

Please come back,
don't come back.

Please... come back.

And then, lying there,

with a perfectly sweet,

beautiful man walking away
from my door...

Something told me
this had to stop.

Not the illness...
that'll never stop...

but-but not giving people
a chance

to make up their own mind
about me.

To giving them at least
some cards in the game.

Surely, there's someone
out there

who will take me for who I am.

One human being who accepts
the two people in you.

You can't show only one part
of yourself to someone.

That's Hollywood.
That's Gilda.

And it's beautiful...

but it can't last.

♪ ♪

Hey.

Wait up.

Weren't you gonna say goodbye?

Of course. I ju...
you know, I...

I just didn't want
to make a big deal about it.

Hey, I'm sorry the decision
didn't go your way.

I'm gonna be lost
without you here.

It's fine.
It's fine. Uh...

I like moving on anyway.

Someplace new;
it's exciting.

Can we get coffee?

Yeah, sure, of course.

Okay. One second.

Oh, you meant now.

So where you gonna go?

I don't know.

Um, I have some savings,
so I don't need to find

a job right away, but, uh,

I might take some time off,
maybe do some traveling.

With your supermarket boy?
How's that going, by the way?

Oh, uh, that didn't take.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

You really get through them,
don't you?

I guess it looks like that.

Well, I guess
you're only young once.

I'm bipolar.

Really?

Yes.

I have been since I was 15.

How come you never told me?

Come on,
who wants to hire someone

with a mental illness
in entertainment law?

Aren't we crazy enough?

Sorry.

So why are you telling me now?

Because you're more than work.

And you should know
what you're dealing with

if we're gonna see each other
outside of the office.

Which I would like.

But I have incredibly
low periods.

So low that I can barely move.

I am impossible to be around.

I, uh, can barely answer
the phone.

I'm totally unreliable as a
friend... in fact, in some ways,

I'm probably the worst friend
you could ever have.

Uh, I don't check a single box.

I have a meeting
five minutes ago.

- Okay.
- Phyllis?

Hey. Those guys from admin
in my office,

tell them
we have to cancel today.

I'll see them tomorrow.

Yeah, I know,
tell them I'm really sorry.

You want to get lunch?

Mm-hmm.

Can we get a menu?

So where are you right now,
mood-wise?

I'm coming off of a low.

Tonight I'll be pretty manic.

You're the first person
I've ever told about this.

How does it feel telling me?

Like-like
an elephant's taken one

of its feet off my chest.

I'm so glad you've told me.

It explains so much.

If anything, not knowing

made it a little difficult

to connect with you fully,

the way I would have wanted.

So you want to get
a drink sometime?

You want to go
to the movies?

You want to see people?

All of the above.

You are the most fun
I've ever been around.

I'm not letting that go.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

It's amazing what trusting

one true friend
in your life can do.

Once I told Sylvia,

it seemed like the cat
was out of the bag.

I rang old boyfriends
from over the years,

colleagues I had just stopped
calling for no reason.

I felt almost proud
of my condition.

It turns out I'm bipolar.

It was cathartic,
strangely healing,

how forgiving and understanding they were.

And how little credit
I had given so many people.

And I promised myself no person

would not know
the full story of me.

The good, the bad...

Oh, my gosh,
that's unbelievable.

And the mad.

How's she doing?

Jeff was a couple years ago.

Two long years since,

of searching for just
the right doctor

and just the right dose.

I know there's no cure for the
chemical imbalance in my brain,

any more than there's
a cure for love.

But there is a little
yellow pill I'm very fond of,

and a pale blue one,

and some pretty pink capsules,

and a handful of other colors

that have turned my life
around.

I have moods,
but...

They don't send me spinning
into an alternate persona.

And I'm back
in the dating circle.

Obviously, seeing as how
you're reading this.

I thought about Tinder,
but then I just settled

for the old-fashioned
Web dating service.

And so here I am.

This is me.

If this doesn't scare you off,

then feel free
to leave me a message.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Take a cup and a half
of sunbeams ♪

♪ Throw them into
a deep blue sky ♪

♪ Add a couple of drops
of love dreams ♪

♪ And make a dose
of happiness pie ♪

♪ Take a spoonful
of pleasant weather ♪

♪ Any June day will qualify ♪

♪ Stir the mixture
all up together ♪

♪ And make a dose
of happiness pie ♪

♪ Remember four and twenty
blackbirds ♪

♪ One day we'll bake
into a pie ♪

♪ But just forget
about the blackbirds ♪

♪ With the bluebirds
so close by ♪

♪ Have a feeling
of hugs and kisses ♪

♪ With a sweet tooth
to satisfy ♪

♪ Oh, you don't know what... ♪