01x02 - Lily

[bunniefuu]

["Sleigh Ride" playing]

[Lily] I don't care what anyone says.

This is the greatest time of the year.

I love Christmas!

I really, really do.

And… and that's because,
in my family, Christmas is all about love.

It's when my grandpa met my grandmother

and my mom met my dad.

It's when my brother met his boyfriend.

They broke up.

I don't have my own love story.

I… I mean, I tried.

For a while, I had this fantasy I'd meet
the perfect guy browsing at the Strand.

That's one of my favorites.
Did you know it's set in New York?

All the best books are.
Have you read Seymour: An Introduction?

I don't like it as much
as Franny and Zooey.

It's very stream of consciousness.
Like, the narrator just says

whatever pops into his head,
which I guess is what I'm doing now.

But, seriously, if you like
Franny and Zooey, you should read Seymour.

This is for school.

Oh.

My great aunt,
Mrs. Basil E, says I'm an old soul.

My brother, Langston,
says I'm too cool for people my age.

I think they're just being nice.

But that's okay.
I don't have a love story.

But I have a family, and every December,
I have an apartment full of decorations

and relatives and platters of food and...

Why are you packed?

We're so sorry, honey.

It's just, you know,
your dad and I never had a honeymoon.

And this year, we thought Fiji.

You can handle
one Christmas without us, right?

["Last Christmas" by Wham! playing]

Mabel needs me in Florida.

You remember Mabel,
my female friend who's not a girlfriend?

- [woman] Taxi's here.
- [man] You understand.

- I'll bring you back some oranges.
- [woman] Let's go.

♪ Last Christmas, I gave you my heart ♪

♪ But the very next day ♪

♪ You gave it away ♪

♪ This year, to save me from tears… ♪

I thought we could go to Dyker Heights
to see the lights tonight.

Keep up tradition?

I just got a date,
and he's coming over right now.

So, can you go somewhere?

Of course.

♪ This year, to save me from tears… ♪

[Lily] I don't have a love story,
and that's okay.

[laughing]

I don't need one.

I have Christmas.

I formed
my own caroling troupe... [screams]

- Ay, Dios mío.
- Lily, get out!

Can we try that again?

Do anything fun today?

I formed a caroling troupe.

And who exactly
is in this caroling troupe?

Just some friends from the neighborhood.
Aaron, Roberta, Melvin.

Lily,
are you hanging out with adults again?

They're easier to talk to.
They read actual books.

They don't judge what I wear.

They drink a lot.

I'm sorry. This Christmas sucks.

It doesn't suck. It's fine. I am fine.

Okay, you are not a Macy's Santa.
You don't have to pretend to be jolly.

It's just… everyone has someone
for Christmas except me.

So, who is he?

His name's Benny.

- He's a dancer.
- Ooh.

- Well, right now, he's a barista.
- You love coffee.

I think I really like him.

I'm happy for you.

You're amazing.
You will find someone amazing too.

I'm not like you.

I'm not good
at meeting guys or talking to them.

I'm good at scaring them away.

Can you give me tips?
They won't leave me alone.

- It's exhausting.
- Here's a tip, delete Grindr.

[both laughing mockingly]

[gasps] I remember these red notebooks.

Mrs. Basil E used to give them to us.

She said it would be good for me
to have an "outlet for my feelings."

[scoffs] I wrote, like, two entries,
tops, but you stuck with it. Why?

If there's something I can't say out loud,

I write it down here.

That's perfect.

- Hey.
- Way better than Grindr.

- Here, give me that pen.
- Hey, what are we doing?

Devising a quest
to help her find a soulmate.

- Okay.
- Can I help?

It'll be like a scavenger hunt.
Grab some books.

- We can use them for clues.
- What?

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Fat Hoochie Prom Queen.

The Joy of Gay Sex?

Oh, that's mine.
I have been looking for that.

I'm only allowing this
because I know it will never work.

Hey, I haven't told you the best part yet.
You're going to hide it…

At the Strand.

[Lily] Oh, I don't know.

Next to Franny and Zooey.

Fine, but it's my notebook.
I get to pick something to include.

You have a clue?

- ["River" by Joni Mitchell playing]
- A song.

♪ It's coming on Christmas… ♪

Aw, that song is so sad.

Oh, I think it's perfect.

♪ Singing songs of joy and peace ♪

♪ I wish I had a river ♪

♪ I could skate ♪

♪ Away on ♪

["Christmas Wrapping"
by The Waitresses playing]

♪ Bah, humbug, now that's too strong
'Cause it is my favorite holiday ♪

♪ But all this year's been a busy blur
Don't think I have the energy ♪

♪ To add to my already mad rush ♪

♪ Just 'cause it's 'tis the season ♪

- ♪ The perfect gift for me would be ♪
- Whoa!

- ♪ Completions and connections ♪
- [alarm beeps]

♪ Left from last year
Ski shop encounter most interesting ♪

- [phone vibrates]
- ♪ Had his number but never the time ♪

♪ Most of ' passed along those lines
So deck those halls… ♪

[laughing]Yes! Yes!

Play it cool, Lily. Play it cool, Lily.

Was he nice? Was he cute?
Okay, are you sure he was a teenage boy?

How would you describe him?

Snarly.

Snarly?

And annoyingly pedantic.
He committed to the Joni, though.

Did he leave a message?

He left instructions.

[upbeat music playing]

[Dash] Do I dare?

Not for just anyone,
but apparently, Clue Girl, I dare for you.

I admire your words.
I salute your choice of music.

I'm not sure how I feel
about your fiendish bent

towards public spectacle,
but I have to confess, you intrigue me.

You asked me
how this time of year makes me feel.

I suspect you're a kindred spirit,
so I know you'll understand when I say…

- He hates Christmas.
- Lily! Get out of my room.

You got a taker?

What did he say?

"It's the most detestable time
of the year."

"The forced cheer, the frenzied crowds."

- Wow, did he get you wrong.
- Because of you! You wrote those clues.

You made me sound
jaded and snarky and cool.

I think you're cool.

Oh, thanks, Benny.

He left his own clues.
He wants me to follow them.

Great. Tell us how it goes.

I'm not doing it.
We… we obviously have nothing in common.

Lily, I love you. I would never make
you do anything you don't want to do.

- But?
- But what?

Put the book back on the shelf
and try again.

I thought you'd say
I should give him another chance.

That's not how love works.
You feel it, or you don't.

So close the door on your way out.

[upbeat music playing]

[Dash] You intrigue me.

[all] ♪ O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum ♪

♪ How lovely are thy branches… ♪

[Lily] I know I should write you back.

But that seems scary,
while caroling is cozy and safe and…

Don't tell me you forgot the words.

- Do you know those girls?
- They're on my soccer team.

[indistinct chattering]

[Lily] How do you even find a boyfriend
at an all-girls school?

Okay, so, I mapped out all the places
I thought we could sing next.

- The best parks and blocks, and there's...
- It's too cold to keep singing.

Then we could do something else.

There's that new Pixar movie, Collation,

about the stapler
who falls in love with the piece of paper.

- I've got a night shift at the ER.
- I've got a thesis to finish.

I've got a life.

We could just get a cup of hot chocolate.

Or we could go to a bar.

Look, Lily.

I didn't have that many friends
when I was your age either.

Teenagers are shits, no offense.

But if you don't wanna be alone,
maybe you need to expand your bubble.

I don't have a bubble.

Look at your map.

[Dash] It's the most detestable time
of the year.

The forced cheer, frenzied crowds,

the feeling that you're expected
to be joyful, even when you're not.

Because, when you're alone at Christmas,

it's somehow worse
than the rest of the year.

If you know what I mean, turn the page.

Go to the location on the menu.

- Have a Boot-licous day, man.
- Thanks a lot.

[Boomer] All right, what you want?
A Cleopatra Jones?

[Dash] And leave the notebook next
to the most depressing Christmas movie

you can find.

[Boomer] We call it St. Nick
in honor of Nicolas Cage.

- Yes, yes, that one. [laughs]
- [shopkeepers bell rings]

[Lily] Your move, Mystery Boy.

Wait. You're notebook girl.

He wanted you to spy on me?

I believe the phrase
he used was… was "sting operation."

- You can't tell him you saw me.
- Why?

Because I don't want him to know who I am.

- But don't you want to meet him?
- No.

Not yet. I don't know.

I want to get to know him,
but it… it's easier to do it in there.

Yeah, okay.
There's something I don't understand.

Weren't you supposed to put this
next to a depressing Christmas movie?

What's depressing about
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?

Reindeer are herbivores
who would never hurt anyone,

but that wouldn't stop
the wildlife service

from hunting the poor guy down.

Oh, no.

Even though it was probably
Grandma's fault for getting in the way.

- That is depressing.
- Right?

[both chuckling]

What's he like, your friend?

I don't think
he'd want me to answer that question.

Is he snarly?

The word my mom uses is "finicky."

He's, uh…

He's complicated.

All right? He has a lot of walls.

But, once he lets you in,
he's the most loyal friend you could have.

Trust me.

Can I?

Trust you?

I mean, you did come during lunch rush.

It gets super busy. Right?

So it's totally possible that you dropped
off the notebook, and I never saw you.

You would do that for me?

- And for him. [chuckles]
- Why?

Because you're not Sofia.

But, look, you gotta at least give him
something, or he'll never forgive me.

- Can't you at least tell him your name?
- No, he tried to trick me.

Unless…
Your friend hates Christmas, right?

Yeah.

If he wants my name,
he's gonna have to earn it.

He's gonna have to ask Santa.

["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing]

[Dash] This girl wants me to suffer.

Look, or maybe she just wants you to,
I don't know, feel the holiday spirit.

No, no, I think I know her
a little bit better than you do, Boomer.

- Just be nice to Santa. Please?
- Yep.

[Lily] Your mission,

if you're brave enough to accept it,
I dare you to ask Santa for my name.

If you've been a good boy this year,
you've got nothing to worry about,

but if you want
to get past the Santa guard,

you might have to get naughty.

Twelve and under.

- Well, I think you can make an exception.
- Twelve and under only.

[Lily] What do you say to a power-mad elf?

Well, I bet The New York Times
would be very interested to know

that you've made it a store policy
to discriminate against teenagers.

Teenagers cause trouble.

Well, I'm .

- Tall for my age.
- Calling security.

- No. You don't need to...
- Do I know you?

- Not unless you've been to the North Pole.
- I swear I've seen you before.

You're an actor.

I knew it. You were on SVU.
You… you played the… the m*rder*r...

- The corpse.
- The m*rder*d corpse.

You saw that?

You know what?
Your performance was incredible.

Like, I legit thought you were dead.

Thank you so much.

Whoa. Sorry, it's an emergency.

Ho ho ho, we got a big boy,

but, as I like to say,
you're never too old for Santa.

[Lily] Show him the notebook
to collect your reward.

No, no, no. I'm not here for that.

Um, I was sent by…

Ah.

- Our mutual friend.
- Yes.

- Yes. So do you have something for me?
- Right up here.

- In your head?
- In my hat.

Oh, okay. Um…

I actually understudied
Shakespeare in the Park too.

No way. What park?

Come. Sit on my lap first.

- Uh, no. I mean, I'm kind of in a rush...
- Come on.

If you want a present from Santa,
you gotta sit on his lap.

Will you hurry up?
There are children waiting.

Fine.

You want my Christmas list? [grunts]

I wanna give you a warning, punk.

Our mutual friend
happens to be very special to me,

and I don't want her dating
some snarky teenage smart-ass.

Ow! Just give me the hat.

Promise me you won't hurt her.

You are hurting me.

[all gasping]

I'm gonna need backup in Santaland.

- [Dash] Ow! What the hell?
- [Santa] Promise, punk.

If you don't give me the hat,
I'll tell all these nice children

Santa's breath smells like bourbon.

I am six years sober, assh*le!

I'm gonna need you to come quietly.

- Oh, he took my hat!
- He stole Santa's hat.

[all screaming]

[woman screams]

Huh? I'm leaving with this hat,
and no one's gonna get hurt, okay?

- [elf] Hiya!
- [grunts]

You think you're
the first teenager to mess with Santa?

That's why, this year,
all us elves took capoeira.

Now let's go.

[Lily] So, Mystery Boy,

do you feel the holiday spirit?

You're actually smiling.

It's a Christmas miracle.

- Well, I did get a present from Santa.
- You had fun.

If you tell anyone, I will deny it.

I got a present too.

- Is that an autographed headshot?
- Yeah.

The elf was actually really cool.
He's like a celebrity.

He was on Law & Order: SVU.

Her name is Lily.

I like that name.

Yeah, me too.

Um… Hey, could you do me one more favor?

I would do it myself,
but I can never go back in there,

ever.

Yeah?

[Santa] Ho ho ho!

[Lily] Uncle Sal!

- Do you have something for me?
- Yeah.

He turned up at the end of my shift
with a plate of milk and cookies.

I don't like that boy, Lily. I don't think
your grandfather would either.

Grandpa's in Florida.

I'm just looking out for you.

Merry Christmas, kid.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Sal.

["Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues
Featuring Kristy MacColl playing]

♪ It was Christmas Eve, babe ♪

♪ In the drunk t*nk ♪

♪ An old man said to me ♪

♪ "Won't see another one" ♪

♪ And then he sang a song ♪

♪ "The Rare Old Mountain Dew" ♪

♪ I turned my face away ♪

♪ And dreamed about you ♪

♪ Got on a lucky one… ♪

[Dash] Dear Lily…

You win.

If we're gonna do this,
then I agree to follow your rules.

No sting operations. No last names.

No social media stalking.

No pressure to meet.

Personal questions are fair game,
but they have to be earned with a dare.

Well, I did your dare.

So, tell me, Lily…

[alarm voice] Disarmed.

[Dash] …what do you want for Christmas?

[siren wailing in distance]

[song continues over radio]

[shuts off]

[song continues over radio]

♪ They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold ♪

♪ But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old ♪

♪ When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve ♪

♪ You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me ♪

- ♪ You were handsome ♪
- ♪ You were pretty ♪

♪ Queen of New York City ♪

♪ When the band finished playing
They howled out for more ♪

♪ Sinatra was swinging
All the drunks, they were singing ♪

♪ We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night ♪

♪ The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay" ♪

♪ And the bells were ringing out ♪

♪ For Christmas Day ♪

[Langston]I brought a treat for us.

Yeah.

I hope you like them. I made them myself.

- You made them yourself?
- Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

[Benny] Merry Christmas.

[Langston] Merry Christmas.

♪ I could have been someone ♪

♪ Well, so could anyone ♪

♪ You took my dreams from me ♪

♪ When I first found you ♪

♪ I kept them with me, babe ♪

♪ I put them with my own ♪

♪ Can't make it all alone ♪

♪ I've built my dreams around you ♪

♪ The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing "Galway Bay" ♪

♪ And the bells are ringing out ♪

♪ For Christmas Day ♪