06x03 - Feel-Good Story

[bunniefuu]

The series is called "Crooshin' USA."

What does that mean?

Crooshness is hard to define,
but I also don't know it when I see it.

Oop. Pardon my reach.

Well, I'm always trying to get more girls
interested in agriculture.

You might say I've got my eyes on them.
Potato eyes, that is.

- Guy?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, girls! It's Diane,
outside Idaho's largest potato supplier,

- Starch Farms.
- Hello!

Let me get this straight.

Your farm harvests five types of potatoes,
two types of onions,

and is also a front
for a local sex trafficking ring?

How'd you get started in sex trafficking?

Uh...

I don't think
I'm getting that microphone back.

This is the second straight year
this Michigan resort's food

has tested positive for avian botulism.

Wow, two years in a row.

It's like the Tom Hanks
of poisoning people.

They said the jewelry is safe
for humans now,

but I've been wearing this
for a week, and...

Can we get more B-roll
so we have something to cut away to

when I have to scratch my nose?

I thought scratching your nose
was your way of saying hello to me.

Don't you find it a little convenient
that the mayor has yet to restore

clean drinking water to this part of...

No, it's quite inconvenient.
You think this is convenient?

The East Side is a lower-income area,
ergo the residents

are not huge campaign donors, ergo...

No, the mayor
didn't target that neighborhood,

he was just that stupid
when it came to water filtration.

He was just stupid enough to think
he wouldn't get caught, ergo...

Say "ergo" one more time.

- Ergo.
- Nah.

No, no, no, no.

This is Diane Nguyen...

This is Diane... This is Di...

This is Diane Nguyen,
and that's the Croosh!

- Let me see.
- Did you hear

about Philip Morris Disney Fox

AT&T AOL Time Warner PepsiCo
Haliburton Skynet Toyota Trader Joe's?

- What about them?
- They got acquired by Whitewhale.

Oh, sh*t.
Well, how many companies are there now?

Four?

- What is it?
- I'm sorry, Diane.

Look, I asked for two beds, I swear.

- Huh.
- I mean, this is unprofessional. One bed!

What are we supposed to do
with just one bed?

Quite a pickle.

I should march right back down
to that front desk and tell them...

Thank you... for helping me
with my one bed bit.

It's a good bit.

Dear Diane, hello.

This is a letter.

Rehab is making me write a letter
to a friend

because I guess letter writing
is therapeutic?

I hear it did wonders
for the Zodiac k*ller.

Anyway, rehab's going fine.
A lot of hikes and movie nights and yoga

and I think next week
we're doing a color w*r.

And it's good that I'm here,
and it's good that I'm not drinking

or taking pills, but I keep thinking
about how this isn't real life.

It's summer camp. Temporary. Easy.

As nice as this is, I know that someday
I'll have to go back to the real world.

Hey, Lady, listen, can you put him
on the phone, please?

I don't care if he doesn't wanna
talk to me. I'm his father. No, Lady...

Anyway, that's my letter.

I probably won't even send it,
but if you're reading this, I guess I did?

Your friend, BoJack.

P.S. Horseman.

I'm only in Chicago for a week.

I don't think it's selfish
to wanna see my son.

Yeah, but you gotta give your ex notice.

Whose side are you on?

Uh... Hey, look out the window.

Wow, there she is!

The second windy, muddy,
big-shoulders city by the lake.

Look! Willis Tower.
Oh, and look, the new Whitewhale building!

You cannot be excited
about a giant corporation like Whitewhale

setting up shop in your hometown.

I'm just excited
we got a new big building.

In your face, Dubai.

- Hmm...
- Ah...

- Not bad.
- It's because the bread

is made from lake water and lard.

From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.

Today, your phone is ringing.

Here's what you need to know about people
who still use their phone to call people.

Hey, Stefani.

Hey, girl!

- No, no, it's Guy.
- Hey, Guy!

I got you on speaker. Diane's eating
the best sandwich of her life.

It's okay.

Diane, I love
that you still eat sandwiches.

Flaws like that are what make you
relatable to regular women.

- What?
- Meanwhile,

I am adoring your cross-country exposition
of the ugly underbelly

of American capitalism.

So croosh.

But I wonder if you could make room
in the rotation

for a few feel-good stories?

Stefani, our videos
are making a difference.

Yeah, a difference in how bummed I am.

There's gotta be some good news out there.

We'll see what we can do!

- Why'd you say yes?
- We can do feel-good stories.

What about that girl who opened up
a lemonade stand

to pay for her dad's cancer treatment?

How is that a feel-good story?

"Hey, America! We're the only developed
nation without subsidized healthcare,

so this child joined
the workforce in a desperate bid

to keep her father alive!"

Okay. How 'bout this?

Local cameraman has a pretty
good thing going,

where he gets to travel
all over the country,

and fool around in hotel rooms with
his beautiful, smart, feisty producer...

and he's pretty sure
this passionate, intelligent,

warrior for truth likes it, too,

so maybe these two knuckleheads
should swallow their pride for a second

and make some feel-good videos.

Hey, girls.

- Hey, Diane.
- Hey.

Tell me
about the Every Animal Girl Company.

We are two best friends
who got tired of seeing dolls

promoting unrealistic beauty standards.

Take Ginny here.

Most giraffe dolls have necks
one inch shorter by scale

than the average girl giraffe.

Not our Ginny.

Her neck is long and proud,
for all our necky gals out there.

As a necky gal, I love that.

And is it true that all your dolls
are made out of recycled material?

- Uh... No.
- Yes!

- Sorry?
- Well, traditionally...

The first batch, um...

The important thing is
we're two best friends.

Okay, what's going on?

Uh...

Okay. We are excited to announce
that as of today,

the Every Animal Girl Company
has been purchased by Toys Galore,

a subsidiary
of Whitewhale Consolidated Interests.

Yay! Toys Galore!

- Uh...
- Huh?

"Yay..."

A small, independent start-up
bought out by a huge conglomerate.

It must be so empowering
to see your success grow.

What a happy story for two best friends.
Now, about the recycled materials?

Well, it's unclear what role recycling
will play in the future of this company.

Right now, we're mainly focused
on empowering young girls,

and closing the main Chicago factory
so we can relocate overseas

for cheaper labor.

Right before the holidays!

Feel-good.

What an exciting,
empowering time for you!

I know.

You think you can edit that down
into something feel-goody?

For sure.
It'll have to go up late, though,

because I'm having some friends over
to watch the game tonight.

God, I'm freezing.

- Aw.
- So, you, uh...

- You wanna watch the game with us?
- Are you asking me to meet your friends?

No, I just figure,
since you're staying with me anyway...

I would be delighted. Wait, it's not
the Chicago Baby Humans game, is it?

It's just a mascot.

And there goes Waa-Waa,
the Baby Human, stumbling around

like the furless featherless dolt he is.

What's he got there?
Don't drink that poison, you crazy human!

- We don't drink poison.
- Diane, he's not a literal human.

Waa-Waa is a tribute
to your proud human heritage.

- I'm very flattered.
- Anyway, meet the g*ng.

Everyone, this is Diane. My, um...

Ah... You know, my...
The woman that I work with.

- Hi.
- 'Sup, dude?

- Hmm...
- You okay?

Yeah. Sorry, just... I'll be right back.

- Diane, I'm really sorry, but...
- It's fine.

I wasn't expecting, ya know,
in front of your friends.

- He just showed up.
- We haven't put a label on us.

- I'm not looking for...
- The speech and debate tournament

- was canceled on account of cyberbullying.
- Wait, what are you talking about?

- My son is here. He surprised me.
- Oh, sh*t.

I usually don't bring women around my kid
unless it's serious.

- I get it.
- Do you mind staying at a hotel?

- Oh, yeah. Totally.
- He'll be gone first thing tomorrow.

What if he sees me go out?
Is the coast clear?

You should maybe go out the window.

This makes sense. But what about my stuff?

I'll pack your bag
and throw it out to you.

Okay, good. Bye.
Thank you for inviting me to your party.

You have a lovely home.

Dear Diane, hello.
I am writing you another letter.

Today sucks. There's this new lady here,
Beverly, and she took my snack kit.

And that is so classic Beverly.
Probably. I just met her.

The whole point of the snack kits
is they're communal, right?

They're these bags full of snacks
that we take on our morning hikes,

and we put them together the night before,
as like a team-building thing.

Yesterday, I decided to throw an extra bag
of candied nuts into a snack kit,

something just for me.

And I marked my bag with a "B"

so I'd know which one to grab
in the morning.

"B" for "BoJack."

But then today, I see Beverly,

who, again, just got here,
waltzing around the house

with my snack kit, saying, "Oh, somebody
made a special kit just for me!

B for Beverly!
I must have a secret admirer!"

Again, just got here!

The story of my life

is that I never get anything nice.

You'd think that I'd learn to adjust
my expectations by now.

But, no. Once again,

I was the idiot
who got my hopes up about candied nuts

and now I am disappointed
with no one to blame but myself.

Anyway, what's new with you?

Just kidding,
you can't say anything, this is a letter!

Okay, talk soon. BoJack.

From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.

Today, your...

- Hello?
- Diane, your last video...

Okay, I know it wasn't as feel-good
as maybe you wanted...

Are you kidding? I feel great!

You made a big impression with the guys
at Whitewhale.

- Really?
- I'll say. They bought Girl Croosh!

- What?
- Well, technically they bought Fuddruckers

and merged it with Dow Chemical to create
a new media venture called Spronk!

- Hold on...
- Spronk acquired Univision,

which will incorporate Girl Croosh
into the Gizmodo-branded mist

of advertorial.

- That's terrible!
- Not for me! I'm gonna be rich!

- You already are rich!
- Oh, yeah!

Oops. Well, anyway, good luck with Spronk,
which is currently rebranding

as Content Spew.

So spew that content, girl! Bye!

Oh, "spronk" me.

Pardon our dust
while we finish construction.

Can I get you a Pepsi Cola?
Or anything else from the vast Whitewhale

agglomeration of fine beverages?

Uh, I think we're good.

Hmm.

- I'm sorry about last night.
- It's fine. Let's just watch the movie.

Welcome!
Here at Whitewhale Consolidated Interests,

we do it all through the free-market magic
of the Whitewhale Way!

That's right, Mr. Whitewhale!

Who? Why? Where?
Whence forth are you two,

and how did you manifest in my office?
Be gone, ghastly ghouls!

We're no spooky specters! My name's Vert!

Vertical Integration!

And I'm Ollie, the Oligopoly.

You summoned us here to tell your new
employees about the Whitewhale Way!

Well, best be quick about it,
you unholy apparitions.

The Whitewhale Way was developed
by Ezekiel Whitewhale,

who started small with a modest petroleum
refinery he inherited from his father.

One day he looked around and said,

"Wait one minute!

While I'm refining this oil, someone else
is getting rich drilling it,

and another someone's sellin' it
to the common commuter!"

So, he bought his own rig
and opened a chain of gas stations.

By controlling both the means
of production and the delivery system,

Ezekiel cornered the market,
and choked out the competition

until they had no choice
but to sell to him, too!

And that's vertical integration!

Pardon me.

F-f-f-f-fast forward to the 1980s,

when Jeremiah took our company
to the next level.

He bought a telephone company,
a sports team, and when he didn't like

the way the newspapers
were talking about him,

he bought his own newspaper!

Well, I must have been a hungry whale
because I just kept gobbling up companies.

Fast forward to today,
and it looks like I gobbled up you!

Are we supposed to be charmed by this?

Welcome to the Whitewhale family.
Everywhere you are, that's where we'll be.

Here's a list
of your new sister companies.

Please be mindful of them
as you spew your content.

So we can't make videos
about any of these subsidiaries?

Monsanto, JP Morgan Chase,
Marie Osmond?

Oh! There it is,
the Every Animal Girl Company.

You don't really think Whitewhale bought
Girl Croosh just to k*ll our video?

And you couldn't just tell
a feel-good story about two friends

who started a business.

Maybe this is for the best.

You can get a new job in Chicago,
spend more time with your kid.

Yeah, and you can go back to LA,

where you won't have to borrow my coat
all the time.

Didn't you wanna write another book?

I have this book of essays
I've been brewing in my head.

It's called, "One Last Thing
and Then I Swear to God I'll Shut Up

About This Forever: Dispatches
from the Frontlines of the w*r on Women:

Arguments, Opinions, Reflections,
Recollections, The Razor Tax..."

Is this still the title?

I kind of got lost in the middle
and couldn't find a way out.

No, no, it's good,

I just think you want to save some of it
for the inside of the book.

I guess that's it for us,
though, right?

- I guess so. Unless it isn't it for us?
- What do you mean?

What if we did one more video
about anything we wanted

and posted it on the website before they
realize we still have all the passwords?

- We could do a story about Whitewhale.
- Oh, yeah!

Now, there's a feel-good story.

Me feeling good about takin'
those assholes down!

Diane, this is Isabel,
star reporter at The Tribune.

She's been hunting Whitewhale for years.

- Call me... Isabel.
- Okay.

All my days, the beast has haunted me.

The hunt consumes my every waking moment.

You might even say Whitewhale is my...

green light at the end of the dock.

- What?
- That's a Gatsby reference. Read a book.

Isabel, be nice.

I wish I had the energy,
but my obsession has ruined me.

Destroyed my relationships,
obliterated my career. And for nothing.

I had one contact on the warehouse floor,
Matt Minnowman.

- Hmm.
- Then he disappeared.

- Maybe there's your story.
- Not your story?

Mm. My editor thought I was getting
"too invested" in the Whitewhale b*at,

so he moved me
to the Holiday Gift Guide desk.

Now the search for the season's hot toy
torments my waking days.

Are spirographs the new fidget spinners?
The answer eludes me at every turn.

I can't believe it. We got a lead.

Hey, do you wanna walk back to my place?

Are you kidding? It's so cold.
How is it snowing in October?

There are basically two seasons here:
bitter winter, unbearable humidity.

You'll learn to love it.

Dear Diane, I'm sure you are dying to know

how this Beverly
secret admirer situation is going,

- so I'll cut right to the chase.
- Oh!

I started writing "BH" on my snack kits
to clear up any confusion

about who the extra nuts are for.

But now Beverly thinks "BH"
stands for "Beverly, here-ya-go."

"Beverly here ya go"?
Why would the "H" stand for...

You know what? Doesn't matter.

The dumbest part is that Beverly doesn't
even eat candied nuts.

She's allergic.

So she usually just ends up

giving her nuts to me.

Doctor Champ would probably say
that means something.

That the universe has a way of looking out
for us if we just stop fighting it, but...

I don't know.

Anyway, I guess it's working.

Hope things are working
for you, too. BoJack.

Were you up all night?

I was following up on this Matt Minnowman.

Turns out there was an "accident"
at the warehouse.

- What?
- He stayed late to finish some work.

"Look at me, I'm just doing some work.
It's no big deal."

Next morning, they found him dead.

Oh, sh*t.

This guy was trying to get the word out
about working conditions,

and then he d*ed in the warehouse.

I got the names of some coworkers,
let's get our hands

on the security footage.

Did you know your cereal
was made by Whitewhale?

I threw it out to be safe.

Microchips... Oh, my God,
you're looking at me like I'm crazy.

You think I'm obsessed.
Am I totally scaring you off right now?

No. You're glowing.

Hmm.

We were working 17-hour days.

We were spread thinner
than a shitty New York slice of pizza

and working harder than the '96 Bulls.

Okay, so Matt's stationed here...

So, what, he walked to the other side
of the room just to die?

That's where he d*ed, all right.

Management left his body out there
on the floor.

Almost like it was a warning
to the other workers.

Wow.

I just don't think you can attribute it
to intentional cruelty.

- It's callousness.
- Can't it be both?

Whitewhale's not evil.
They're just capitalists.

What's the difference?

From New York Times,
I'm Michael Barbaro. Today...

- Hello?
- Mister Whitewhale would like to meet you

at the Chicago Whitewhale building
tomorrow at 2:00.

Bring your camera.

Oh, sh*t. If they know what we're doing,
why would they wanna talk to us?

I guess we'll find out.

I'm kind of weirdly excited.

- Hey. I got you something.
- What? Shut up!

- Huh.
- Ah.

- You don't like it.
- No, I love it.

It's just I won't get much use
out of a coat like this in LA.

No. It's for here.

Is this your way of asking me
to move to Chicago?

No. Not everything is some kind
of secret underhanded conspiracy.

- Sometimes a coat's just a coat.
- Okay.

But I also don't know why it's so obvious
that you go back to LA.

- I live there.
- But there's nothing for you there.

Excuse me?

I just don't understand
why you're so into punishing yourself.

I am not...

And it's not just yourself,
because every time you get cold,

- guess who has to give you his coat.
- Oh, sorry, does that inconvenience you?

No. I just don't know
why I should suffer

because you have this ideological
objection to feeling good.

Are you... I would love to feel good.

What a luxury. How nice for you
that you can do that

while the world burns around you.

This is not even about the world,
this is about you and me.

"You and me"?
What's "you and me"?

- Don't...
- No, no, tell me, Guy, please,

because I would love some clarification.
Am I your girlfriend?

Am I the, um,
"you know, woman that I work with"?

- Come on, Diane.
- What is this?

I... Just take the coat.

I think I should go back to the hotel.

I didn't know if you'd come.

Well, we got a job to do, right?
Could get chilly up there.

I don't know what kind of video
you're putting together,

but I wanted to let you know I don't mind.

You're not gonna stop us.

I don't want to stop you,
I just said that.

See, when you put out stories about us
being "evil" or "callous"

or whoever the bad guy in Harry Potter is,

people think our business is uncompromised
by morality and our stock goes up.

So, it doesn't bother your shareholders
that one of your employees d*ed

in a work-related accident?

- What accident?
- Matt Minnowman's body was found

in your warehouse.

Oh, him, sure!
But that was no accident. I k*lled him.

- What?
- I m*rder*d him!

Like "m*rder*d" m*rder*d him?

Well, I didn't m*rder of crows him.

He took too many bathroom breaks
and encouraged the other employees

to take bathroom breaks as well.

And you're not worried it's going
to get out that you k*lled an employee?

Like in the video
we're sh**ting right now?

Didn't you hear? Congress just passed
a bill legalizing m*rder if you're rich.

- No, they didn't... Oh, my God, they did!
- What?

Hold on. Just because it passed
the House doesn't mean the Senate will...

Really, Diane?

Okay, but the president could still veto...

Really, Diane?

All right, sure, but the Supreme Court.
Okay, I get it.

Look, don't take it so hard.

If you wanna do something about it,
just make a billion dollars and m*rder me!

Barbara, let's make sure they get
a nice Whitewhale Company gift bag

on their way out.

Well, we can still post the video.

Why?

Yeah, right, well, um, safe travels.
It's been real.

Yeah. It's been real.

I'm not gonna beg you to stay,
if that's what you're waiting for.

I'm not waiting for anything.

I'm not that guy who says, "Diane,
please don't go, I'm in love with you.

Stay here in Chicago
and write your book of essays

and come with me to baseball games.

They've got a pretty good theater scene
here and a big shiny bean and you could...

You could be so happy
in your warm winter coat."

- I don't need you to say...
- I'm not gonna be that guy, all right?

But if you wanted to stay, I could
make things so good for you, Diane.

- Listen...
- No, no, I get it.

No, listen. Guy.

I feel so shitty all the time.

I feel like the whole world is pushing in
on me, except for when I'm with you.

You have been such a good thing for me.

But I can't be with you
if you're the only good thing in my life.

It's too much pressure. I'm sorry.

Diane! Don't get on that train!

- Guy, I just told you...
- I know, but you're going to the airport.

That train's going to Cottage Grove,
you're gonna get screwed!

Oh, no.

Dear Diane,
it was Beverly's last day yesterday.

Everyone is real excited for her,
but she spent the whole day sulking

because she never found out
who her secret admirer was.

Frankly, it was getting pretty annoying,
so finally I just say,

"It was me! I'm in love with you!"

And she goes,
"Oh. I was hoping it was Mario."

And then she starts crying.

And everyone looks at me like, "Way to go,
you made Beverly cry on her last day".

So, the thing I keep thinking about is...

was it worth it for Beverly to be happy
for a little bit,

even though it ended up sad?

Or would it have been better
if the whole thing never happened?

Every time someone leaves rehab...

it makes you think
about your own progress.

Some days it feels like you're not
progressing at all, other days you think,

"Well, maybe a little."

The main thing I think about
is how stupid I am

that I didn't do this sooner.

I wasted so many years being miserable
because I assumed

that was the only way to be.

But I don't wanna do that anymore.

Also, am I crazy or have I gotten
really good at writing letters?

This is BoJack, by the way.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I was thinking about these grilled cheese
sandwiches I used to make,

back when I first moved to LA.

- What?
- I was dirt-broke

and I had no friends and no job,

and I got obsessed with perfecting
the art of the grilled cheese sandwich.

- Makes sense.
- Partly because it was cheap,

but also because while I was doing it,

I wasn't thinking about how depressing
my life was.

Okay.

So, on the plane I was thinking,

I should make
another grilled cheese sandwich

because I haven't in a long time,
but I love them

and they always make me feel better
about things.

- Look, Diane, I gotta...
- And the thing about

making your own grilled cheese sandwich
is you can do it anywhere. You know?

Yeah?

Yeah.
So, I guess that's another good thing.

♪ I lost my way on a trip
Meant for two ♪

♪ We left our hearts
In a suitcase unused ♪

♪ High above Chicago
I'll be home tomorrow ♪