01x04 - Pet Project

[bunniefuu]

Don't worry, little friend.
You're going to be right as rain.

[TURTLE] k*ll me.

- [PET ] Where's my mum?
- [PET ] Help. Quick. He's coming.

- He's coming.
- [PET ] My f*cking bone.

[DOG] Why have my owners abandoned me?

- [PET ] I'm afraid.
- [CAT] Gonna scratch the sh*t out of ya.

- [PET ] I was in here first.
- [SNAKE] ¿Dónde estoy, carajo?

Esto no es el bosque.

- [DOG] Please don't take my testicles.
- [PET ] Where's my mom and dad?

- [PET ] What is going on here?
- Sorry.

[TURTLE] Just do it. Do it, you coward.

[PETS CHATTERING]

- [PET ] Anyone there?
- [PET ] Let me out! Let me out!

[TURTLE] Go on. Walk away.
Like you always do.

[PET ] Hungry. I'm hungry. Hungry.
Hello, I'm hungry. Food, please.

- [PET ] I hate it here! [SCREAMS]
- [HEADPHONES BEEP]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOGS BARKING]

Jizzlord?

[DOG WHINES]

[RHYTHMIC BEEPING]

[RAPID BEEPING]

- [BEEPING STOPS]
- Yep, he's microchipped.

[TYPING]

Prudence Drive. David.

Do you reckon that's the
owner's name or his name?

Who calls a cat David?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [JEN CHUCKLES]

This world doesn't make
sense to me anymore.

Yeah, that's probably
his old owner's address.

Jen's my owner now.

No, I'm not. You need to
stop telling people that.

Hey, maybe David knows
where I come from.

Wait.

Are you experiencing
post-transformational long-term memory loss

and generalised aphasia?

Yeah, I... I'm experiencing
post-transformational long-term...

[STAMMERS] ... aphasia.

Yeah, he's f*cked.

[GROANS] You poor thing.
I couldn't do that.

Not knowing who you are.
Who you were. Drive me mad.

I was adopted, you know.

First thing that I did when I turned

was find out who my birth mother was.

We have a great relationship,

but at the same time, I did discover
I'm a blood relative of Fred West,

so... mixed bag, isn't it?

[SIGHS]

Ooh.

Oh, uh, I wouldn't go
for that one. r*cist.

[GRUNTS]

♪ Who that is, ho? ♪

♪ That girl is a tomboy ♪
♪ That girl is a tomboy ♪

[JEN] So it's a consultation,
which is free. Which is good.

And then an assessment and then
a personalised treatment plan.

- [MARTIN] When's your consultation?
- I haven't booked it yet.

[MARTIN CHUCKLES]

What?

[MARTIN] You've always been a bit
of a procrastinator, haven't you?

[CHUCKLES] No, I'm not.

[CARRIE] Oh, you absolutely are.

She had to book a smear test
a few months ago, Martin,

and oh, my God. I had to
book it for her in the end.

It was all clear, by the way. Thank God.

Carrie.

A bit of privacy, please?

[SIGHS]

[MARTIN] You know...

No, don't do a dad speech.

[MARTIN] Look, it's okay if you're
scared. It's a big commitment.

I'm not scared. And I'm
not a procrastinator, okay?

I'll book it as soon
as I hang up. Promise.

[MARTIN] Love you.

Love you.

[PHONE BEEPS]

- [PHONE DINGS]
- [KASH GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

[WHISPERING] It can wait.

[KASH] Mmm.

- [PHONE DINGING]
- [CARRIE MOANING]

[DINGING CONTINUES]

[PANTING]

Stop thinking about your
mission for two seconds, please.

[GROANS] But this is important.
I can have sex with you any time.

No, do-don't you dare...

[PANTING]

Stop thinking about your
mission for two seconds, please.

Of course. You know you're
the most important thing to me.

[PHONE DINGS]

There's just so much to do.

Everyone keeps asking me questions
about the mission tonight.

Didn't realise being a hero
would have so much admin.

I would quite like to have
sex with you right now.

I can do both. It's not like you
need more than one hand anyway.

You get the ball
rolling, and I'll jump in.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SINGSONGY] Housekeeping.

[CHUCKLES] No, it's me. It's Carrie.

Why are you wearing a hazmat suit?

Oh, giving the flat
a little spring clean.

Thought I'd start from the top down.

- What?
- You haven't come in a while.

How'd you know?

You throw yourself into housework
when you're sexually frustrated.

Don't be silly. It's just a freshen up.

A mop, scrub, hoover, curtain steam,
dust, maybe do a charity shop run.

What's this? It looks like junk.

It's hookup lost and found.
It's mainly Luke's stuff.

If he hasn't texted me in a
while, I find a sock under my bed,

and I have to return it. Oh, in fact...

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

How much do you think it costs to
hire a power washer for the day?

Oh, hey! Gordon. Oh,
he'll see you right.

One touch and bam, orgasm
sorted. I'll text you his address.

- No, that's basically cheating.
- Just bash one out, then.

I've tried. I can't seem to get there.

Maybe there's something
deeper going on then.

You know, the heart and the
vag are very closely linked.

No, no, no, no, no. I just need to come,

and then everything
will be fine forever.

Is it time? Can we go? Is it time to go?

- Are you going out?
- We're tracking down who Jizz used to be.

You shouldn't be going out until
you've booked your consultation.

- Who says I haven't?
- Have you?

- No.
- [SIGHS] Promised your dad you would.

What's he gonna do, haunt me?
I'll do it after we solve him.

We're going to his old owner's house.

I bet he'll have some
great stories to tell.

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

Or not.

- [JIZZLORD] That's me.
- I see you were close.

"Hercule." What a dumb name.

Oh, Jizzlord, look.

Do you remember winning, um,
"best mixed breed short-hair"?

Jen, I think I k*lled him.

[CUP RATTLES]

- What?
- I ran away,

and it bummed out his
heart so hard he d*ed.

- [CHUCKLES] No, I don't think that...
- Was I a bad pet?

No. You're great.

Look how many rosettes
you won for your...

proud rump.

[DOG BARKS]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

[BARKS]

Why are you staring at a dog?

That's not a dog. That's a demon.

[JEN] Oh, he's so cute.

- Hello.
- [JIZZLORD] No, he's not.

We hated each other.

I'd piss in his garden.
He'd piss on my wall.

If anyone here knows anything
about me, it's that thing.

We should take him to
the vet. Make him talk.

I know you're still learning,

but it's generally frowned upon
to steal a dog from a funeral.

Okay, that's out then.

Let's just go home and then do
that thing you don't wanna do.

Run, run, run, run.

["I FOUGHT THE LAW" PLAYING]

♪ Breakin' rocks in the hot sun ♪
♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪

[DOG BARKING]

He definitely does not like you.

I don't know where he's
picked up the word "cuck,"

but he's using it quite a bit.

[JIZZLORD GRUNTS]

Ask him if he knows anything
about Jizzlord's past.

Where he came from.

- He says he does know where he came from.
- Where?

h*m* island? That's
not a real place, is it?

- No, yeah, it's obviously not. And yet...
- Stop it!

- I hope you get put down.
- Jizzlord!

He says he's going to put you down
first and then steal your woman.

Hey, I'm on your side, you wee sh*t.

Oh, uh, he says he does actually
have some genuine information,

but he wants something in return.

[BARKING]

A day out. He hates his owner.
He wants to do what he wants.

- Tell him we'll do whatever he needs.
- No!

We have to do this.

By the end of today, you're not
going to be Jizzlord anymore.

You could be Paul, or Matt,
or some other white guy.

The sky's the limit.

[SIGHS] I wouldn't mind
getting out for an afternoon.

Just gets a bit much sometimes.

It's their little screams.
They never leave you.

Tito, what do you want to do?

Does anyone know what "king sh*t" is?

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for higher grounds ♪

♪ Reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi ♪

Thank you! I respect your choices!

I don't think I like this.

Me either!

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for higher grounds ♪

- [KASH] Do you need any help?
- [WOMAN SCREAMS]

[YELPS] Oh, thanks a lot.
This takes ages to clean up.

Oh, s-so sorry. I-I think I
might have a tissue somewhere.

- Dickhead!
- No.

You say you were helping people?

Uh, no. We're helping women, not people.

It's just I've locked
myself out my flat.

We need to be available
in case the women need us.

Like this young lady.

f*ck off.

[PANTING]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

- [JEN SNORTS]
- [JIZZLORD] What is this?

Origin of the slang term "boner,"
which is pretty hilarious if you...

I like that.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, none
for me. Thanks, g*ng.

[TITO BARKING]

Okay, okay.

I've never done this before. I
have to admit, I'm a little curious.

[SNORTS]

[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]

- Ladies, please!
- [JIZZLORD] Guys, let's just...

[DR WENDERBURN] Tiffany, you
have my LinkedIn! Find me!

I know my rights!

[PERSON] Go away! Bye!

You're making a big mistake! I
have really good credit rating!

- [CARL] Here we are.
- Right, Ade. Your time to shine.

Phase through the wall and open
the door from the other side.

- Uh, who? Who me?
- Yeah. Do your thing.

Uh... [CHUCKLES] C-Can I
have a word, please, Kash?

- Mm-hmm.
- Um...

So, my thing, it only
works with my body.

I can't take anything with me.

Okay.

So that means my clothes...
I can't... I have... I...

[SIGHS]

I have to be nude,

and I'm not very comfortable with
my body right now, to be honest.

- No one look, okay?
- Don't worry. No one can see you.

[PANTS]

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

[PANTS, GRUNTS]

[GROANING]

[GROANING CONTINUES]

[ADE] I'm stuck. I didn't
think it would be this thick.

Just keep going.

[ADE] I'm trying, uh,
but can you still see me?

Uh, yeah. A little bit.

[ADE] Is it my arse? Oh,
my God, is it my arse?

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

You can do this, Ade. Dig deep.

[ADE] I literally can't.
I don't have the energy.

- I wonder if you clench and then wiggle...
- Try changing the angle.

- You've gotta believe in yourself.
- Push it.

- Like a little bit more to your right.
- Grind it.

[ADE] I know when I'm stuck.

- [GREGOR] Push! Push!
- [ADE] Stop telling me I'm not stuck!

- Sure.
- All right.

Kash, you stay with Ade
until he gets his strength up.

The rest of you come with me.
It's ladies' night at All Bar One.

I'm sure there will be
plenty of targets there.

Wait, no!

But you're the leader. I'm sure
you'd never leave a man behind.

Don't save anyone without me!

[ADE GRUNTS] How about now? Still out?

Where next? Casino?

I've already blown through
the money I set aside

for my laser eye surgery, but flip it.

- [TITO BARKS]
- Oh, right.

He says you guys know how to
party, and he's ready to tell you.

He used to run into you
when you were a stray.

Always in the same
alleyway, off Coburn Circus.

Must've been your territory.

He says he hopes you find
what you're looking for.

Thank you, Tito.

Thank you, Tito.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, he has one more request.

He's had enough of this human life.

He wants to be free
like the wolves of old.

Free to roam and hunt. To
feel cool earth and hot blood.

[TITO BARKING]

- [HORN HONKS]
- [TYRES SCREECHING]

- Uh...
- [TITO WHINING]

I'll take him back to the surgery.

[KNOCKING]

- Hello.
- Hello.

I'm Jen's flat-mate. I just
wanted to drop off this.

You left it behind when you and Jen...

When the incident occurred.

Oh, uh, well, thanks, I guess.

- Would you like to come in?
- Yes.

[GREGOR ON RADIO] Alpha team,
potential damsel-in-distress.

Look tipsy. No coat. Could
be Geordie. Can't confirm.

Lady helpers, converge.

No, no, wait for me.

[GREGOR] Ignore that. Converge.

No, wait for me. Hello?

[GREGOR] Converge, converge!

Ade, mate, you'll be all
right if I nip on, won't you?

[ADE] No. Don't leave me. Kash. Kash!

Anything coming back to you?

[SCOFFS] No.

I'm not ready to give up yet. Let's
sit down, have a drink, regroup.

They've got a % blood
orange IPA on tap.

What?

You know this pub.

What if it was your
local when you were human?

And I'm really sorry
to break this to you,

but I think you might
have been a craft beer guy.

- Is that bad?
- Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

[BLUES MUSIC PLAYING]

Excuse me. Do you know this man?

Did he use to come in here at all?
Do you know anything about him?

Uh, no, I don't, but the
landlady is coming in soon.

She owns the place. She might know.

Just like that?

Just like that.

Just like that.

- [RATTLING]
- [CUP CLINKING]

- So does Jen ever mention me?
- Can you make me come?

[SIGHS]

Do you have any idea how
many people come to me

with this exact problem?

It's just, my boyfriend's really busy,

and it feels like he
doesn't have time for me.

That sounds like a general lack
of intimacy in your relationship.

I can't really help you with that.

- [SOBS]
- Oh, God. Oh, God. Uh...

Don't cry. Um...

Okay, I'll... Yeah. I'll help. I'll
help. Just please, just don't cry.

[KASH] Viper to alpha
group. Update on location.

Alpha group? I know you can hear me!

[SEB] Kash... I mean Viper. Uh,
we need you. We need backup.

Exeter Avenue. [WHIMPERS]

This is kicking off. Oh, God. Oh, God!

Yes.

♪ You are so cute nice face ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We are so cute nice face ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You are so cute nice face ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We are so cute nice face ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

[SINGING IN JAPANESE]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[SINGING IN JAPANESE]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Maybe you should wash your hands first.

Oh, uh, yeah, sure.

[GROANS] Can't stand the
waiting. I just wanna know.

You know, like, what
did you do for a job?

I can't see you interacting with people

or technology or heavy machinery.

What would you want it to be?

We're so close to
finding out who you are.

Aren't you excited?

Yeah, I feel sick. Yeah.

Great. I'm going to the loo.

[CLAMORING, SCREAMING]

- [PERSON] Hey, hey, hey!
- Get off!

- Kash.
- What happened?

Turn back time. Undo!

So now you see why you need me,
eh? Now you see why I'm in charge.

- Kash!
- Oh, there's no rush. Chill out, mate.

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

["FREEDOM NOW" PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

I've never hit on your
girlfriend, man. Have you seen her?

[HORN HONKS]

- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]

- Have you seen her?
- [KASH] Seb, duck!

- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMING]

- [HORN HONKS]
- [GRUNTS]

[SCREAMING]

- [SCREAMS]
- [GRUNTS]

[MUFFLED GROAN]

[GRUNTS]

[GREGOR GRUNTS]

- Kash...
- f*ck off, Gregor. I know!

[SEB] Viper, we need
backup. We need you.

Exeter Avenue. This is kicking off.

[SCREAMS]

You!

Are you with them?

- Kash, help us!
- Kash.

- Kash. Kash.
- [SEB] Please.

- No, mate. Don't know 'em.
- [SEB] Oh, my God.

[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]

[RANDALL] Just... Okay!
All right. No, just...

- Kash!
- [SEB] Kash, help us!

[PHONE VIBRATING]

All right, so how do you wanna
do this? Firm handshake, or...

No. I can't. I'm sorry.

You're right. This
is wrong. I'm a freak.

No. You have a gift. You
can bring joy to people.

You invited me into your home, and
you tried to help me. You're a hero.

Really?

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[KNOCKING]

Are you the come man?

Yes, I am.

["TRUE LOVE WILL FIND
YOU IN THE END" PLAYING]

♪ True love will find you in the end ♪

♪ You'll find out ♪
♪ Just who was your friend ♪

♪ Don't be sad, I know you will ♪

♪ But don't give up until ♪

♪ True love finds you in the end ♪

♪ This is a promise with a catch ♪

♪ Only if you're looking ♪
♪ Will it find you ♪

♪ 'Cause true love is searching too ♪

♪ But how can it recognise you ♪
♪ Unless you step out into the light? ♪

♪ The light ♪

What the f*ck? Why did you disappear?

You can't just abandon people like that.

[GRUNTS] Oh, and it was
a dead end, by the way.

'Cause I actually went to
the bother of finding out.

You can't just make me give a sh*t
about helping you and then quit.

Do you not care about
finding out who you are?

What about me?

What if I want to know who this
man is I've let live with me?

What if I don't like him?

Well, at least you'll know.

You can't keep putting it off

just because it might not
be the answer you want.

You're so smart.

I'm not.

I'm a f*cking idiot.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll go to this clinic,

and nothing will change, and
then I won't even have hope.

I'll just have me.

I don't like me.

I like you.

When you're not shouting at me.

It's when you're eating
something you're not meant to.

You know, if I'm finding
out, then you should too.

Let's find out how sh*t we are together.

[PHONE CHIMES]

[CHUCKLES] Works every time.

Ooh.

Should get new ones cut.
Looks like you live here now.

But you have to stop
chewing charging cables.

Why do you put up with me?

Soft spot for strays.

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for... ♪

[LOCKSMITH] You go on any
nice holidays recently?

[ADE] Yeah, Budapest.

Oh, yeah. Missus wants to go to Prague.

[ADE] Ah, but Prague's nice. They
say Split's the same but cheaper.

Oh, yeah? I must check it out.

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for higher grounds ♪

♪ Reaching for higher grounds ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪

♪ Reaching for hi, reaching for hi ♪
♪ Reaching for higher grounds ♪