01x07 - The Merry Monarch

[bunniefuu]

- [RECORDER BEEPS]
- Blue lid, thick milk.

Green lid, runny milk.

Red lid, devil's water.

Are you going to keep doing that?

It helps me learn.

[LAPTOP DINGS]

f*ckers! They don't want my
eggs. Why don't they want my eggs?

- Are they in date?
- Yeah, by about years, yeah.

- Lady eggs.
- [JEN] I need that money for the clinic.

How dare they? Now,
these are prime-time eggs.

I'll have to find something
else to monetise now.

- [RECORDER BEEPS]
- What's monetise?

It's when you take something you're
good at, like a skill or a talent,

and you make people
give you money for it.

Do you have any skills?

- No.
- Do you have any talents?

- No.
- So what's the point of you?

- Jesus Christ!
- [JIZZLORD] It's okay.

I don't have any skills either.

At least, not as a man.

Okay, take two.

Time for our next mission.

I mean, sequels are always
better anyway, right?

There's Terminator ...

Uh...

So what's the plan?

- Um...
- You do have a plan, don't you?

Y-You've had so much time to
think about this exact situation.

Gregor was full of plans.
f*cking do this, do that.

He was planning to
foil some big drug deal.

Organised crime kind of sh*t.

- Well, how'd he get that kind of intel?
- I told him.

- I... I do a bit of crime on the side.
- Then why are you doing this?

I don't know. They cancel
each other out, don't they?

sh*t! We should be the
ones foiling drug gangs.

It sounds so cool. And,
like, good for the community.

I'm just looking for my hairdryer.

Don't let me interrupt your hero'ing.

All right, Seb. I want you
to case the joint, okay?

- Entrances, exits.
- [CARRIE] Actually, I think it's in the...

- Oh.
- Randall, what weaponry are we facing?

- Uh...
- [CARRIE] Where are you, little hairdryer?

g*ns, knives, knuckle-dusters, shivs.

This isn't a knockabout
in the park, lads.

Found it! Where is the diffuser?

Right. This is our moment,
our destiny manifest.

Okay, we may not all make it.

Especially Seb.

Okay, but if we perish,
we perish for a noble...

[HAIRDRYER BLOWING]

Babe! Babe!

Sorry, could you do that in the kitchen?

- It's my bedroom too.
- Well, I know.

You're just as important
to me as they are.

You don't act like it. Last time,
it was like you forgot I existed.

That won't happen this
time. I can do both, I swear.

Now let's have a date
night. Yeah? Just you and me.

- That sounds nice.
- Saturday night?

[SIGHS]

So, when's this drug deal happening?

Saturday night.

[SIGHS] Bloody ridiculous.

I miss the days when you didn't
have to go through all this red tape.

Oh, just get him.

[GROANS, SIGHS]

Your Majesty. I'm a, uh, biographer,

and, uh, I'm trying to rehabilitate
your reputation as a statesman,

and dispel the rumours that you

wasted your time partying
and... and womanising.

[CHARLES] Well, of course,
that's utter nonsense.

Thank you, Your Highness.

I wouldn't call that time wasted.

Right.

- I just need your signature on the...
- Tell me,

who am I speaking through?

[STAMMERS] It doesn't matter.
Just, uh, pretend she's not here.

I may be dead, but that's no
excuse not to be a gentleman.

Tell me, what is your name, milady?

Carrie. It's nice to meet
you, sir. Your Eminence.

[SIGHS]

That's not how you
address royalty. [LAUGHS]

[CHARLES] Now, Carrie, what's
a choice insult from your time?

[CARRIE] I like "twat," personally.

[CHARLES] Excellent.

Tell this twat I shan't sign his accord

until he gives you a grovelling apology.

And please...

call me Charles.

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

[CHARLES] Yes?

[CARRIE] Um, very sorry
to bother you again.

I-I just wanted to check in...

Double-check that you were happy

with your experience with us yesterday.

[CHARLES] Ooh, I was.

[CARRIE] Good.

[CHARLES] Is there anything
else you want to say?

[CHUCKLES]

[CHARLES] And he storms into the court.

All the high lords and
ladies of the land are there,

and he says, "Sir, you have
sullied my virtuous wife."

[CARRIE GASPS] What did you do?

[CHARLES] I said, "Well, I look
forward to meeting your virtuous wife,"

and arrested him for bigamy.

Have you a looking glass?

- [CARRIE] Yes.
- [CHARLES] Can I see you?

[CARRIE] Just to warn you,
I'm not wearing any makeup.

You're not saying anything.

[CHARLES SPEAKING FRENCH]

[CARRIE] I don't know what that
means, but it sounds lovely.

[CHARLES] It's Molière.

[DOOR OPENS]

I'm not doing anything.

Okay. Can I borrow you?

[MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP]

You used to be a cat.

You used to win cat shows as a cat.

Cat shows have prize money.

We compete in a cat show.
We win. We get money.

As you can see, the maths works out.

Yeah, um, one... one small issue.

I'm not a cat.

Ah, I've anticipated this.

I've done some digging, and apparently,

with shape-shifters, if you
want to turn into your animal,

you bring back some of
their sense memories.

So, smell, touch, taste. People
on the Internet swear by it.

- Okay.
- I... it'll work. Don't worry.

That's a bit what I'm afraid of. I
don't think I want to be a cat again.

Well, it's just for one day.

Yeah, but w-what if I can't
change back? What if I get stuck?

We don't have to do it.

Right?

[SIGHS]

No, we don't.

- Sorry.
- It's fine.

It's not your fault.
It's way too much to ask.

- Have you got a back-up plan?
- I...

- No.
- You could always save up.

That'll take years.

No, I just feel like I can't start
until I have my power, you know?

Have you tried selling your eggs?

They don't want them!

- What?
- Those are prime-time eggs.

[JEN] I know!

[SEAGULL SQUAWKING]

Hey.

So, I thought we could turn
date night into date day.

I think the galleries
are open late today.

So...

I knew this would happen.

No, I just have a tiny,
little, baby mission.

But it won't affect our date, I promise.

I'll be done by, like,
. at the latest.

Okay.

Well, uh, don't let me ruin your plans.

I'm sure you'll find
someone to go with you.

[JEN SCREAMS]

What the f*ck? I thought
he didn't want to do it.

[JIZZLORD, ON RECORDER]
If you're listening to this,

I've taken the cat food.

Don't try and argue with me. I want
you to take me to the cat show.

Oh, and scratch me behind the ears.

I like that.

[JEN] What do I do?

I think we should honour his wishes.

["MONEY" PLAYING]

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Chilling, laying in the cut, though ♪

♪ Easy, trying to see what up, though ♪

♪ Brooklyn, home of the cutthroats ♪

♪ Notorious, y'all
know how the rest go ♪

♪ Sleeping, one eye open ♪

♪ Too smart 'cause I'm always scoping ♪

♪ Watching, seeing
how these lames look ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

[CLEARS THROAT] I would
like to register my cat.

- Name?
- Jizzlor... Uh, Hercule.

Just Hercule.

The Hercule?

Yes?

Donna, Hercule's back.

Donna!

Oh, f*cking yes!

Sorry, sorry. This
is just very exciting.

We didn't know what happened
to him after David d*ed.

So, uh, how were you related to him?

He was very specific in his will

that he wanted Hercule
to go to his next of kin.

I am his next of kin.
Yeah. I-I am his aunt.

[BOTH] Oh.

The aunt that collects Bigfoot erotica?

- Um...
- Or the aunt that thinks Israel did / ?

[SIGHS] It's gonna have to
be the first one, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Oh, sorry, almost forgot. Um, what
talent am I putting you down for?

- Talent?
- Yeah, for the talent segment.

I mean, I know it's gonna
be dance, but I have to ask.

Uh, I'm sorry. Did you say dance?

Mm-hmm.

[SEAN, ON PHONE] That cat can dance!

[MIKE, ON PHONE] Now, Sean, I'd
hate to have to follow that!

[SEAN] Oh, Mike, I'd just k*ll myself.

- [MIKE] Oh, come on!
- Well, sh*t.

[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Well, the duck is on the window ♪
♪ The cat is on the floor ♪

♪ Everyone is having a party ♪
♪ On the moor ♪

♪ Up all night ♪
♪ Until the creek get wet ♪

♪ Wake up in the morning ♪
♪ And their head is in a mess ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

Do you think there will be
press? Like, local news and stuff?

Maybe. They might wanna take
a picture of us with the dr*gs,

like when people catch
a really big fish.

I should have brought some dry shampoo.

I get really sweaty in this suit.

- I don't wanna look oily.
- [GREGOR] All clear. No dr*gs in here.

- What are you doing here?
- You're early!

[GREGOR] Oh, okay.

You couldn't think of your own
mission, so you had to steal mine?

- I don't see your name on it.
- "I don't see your name on it."

- Grow up.
- No! It's my crime. I backsie it.

You can't backsie it. I called it.

Still want it?

Yeah.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Sorry, but can anyone
else hear footsteps?

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[GANGSTER] Bloody hell.

Ha!

Someone's coming. Alpha team, hide.

sh*t!

[GRUNTS] Move!

[SING-SONGY] Hello?

- Oh.
- [DONNA] Hi.

Um, so, do you usually
compete in Ireland?

'Cause I don't remember seeing you

at the southeast Fancy Lad regionals.

- Oh, no, this is my first time.
- Ever?

Yeah. I'm just here for
the prize money, really.

But, I mean, come on. It's
not like you need experience.

Just cats, isn't it?

[SCOFFS]

I bet you think you're
hot sh*t, don't you?

What?

I've seen thousands of
girls like you come and go.

You're nothing special.

Best go home now before
you embarrass your cat.

[GASPS]

Oops.

Oh, my God. What a psycho, right?

What is it about Bigfoot? Is
it just the big, hairy penis?

[STAMMERS] Yeah.

Hmm.

Ugh.

Well, w-we don't need to talk.

Dance is the language of the body.

It's instinctual.
It's all muscle memory.

We've got this.

It's on the eight count. Eight.

Not seven, not six. The eight count.

It's very simple.

Okay, let's start with the
simplest possible thing.

Just sit, okay? You
can do that. Just sit.

Sit.

Sit. Sit.

Sit. Sit. Sit!

Sit! Sit! Sit! [SHOUTS, GRUNTS]

This foiling isn't big
enough for the both of us.

I completely agree. f*ck off then.

- Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
- Neither am I.

I guess we'll be staying
here until one of us gives in.

Fine by me.

Oh, my God. Kiss.

I'm sorry. I write a lot of fan fiction.

Okay.

It says it should be...

Here.

[CHARLES] Oh, no.
This one is mortifying.

It's a bad angle. I
told them to destroy it.

[CARRIE] Oh, I like it.

[CHARLES] Do you have a lover?

[CARRIE] I think so. I have a boyfriend.

[CHARLES] What does he
make of the Dutch masters?

[CARRIE] He's, uh, not
a gallery kind of guy.

- [CHARLES] Where does he take you?
- Uh...

[CARRIE] Usually we just
stay in and order some food.

[CHARLES] A crime.

If I were him, I would
show you the continent.

[CARRIE SIGHS]

[CHARLES] Have you ever been
to Tuscany in the springtime?

[CARRIE] N-No.

[CHARLES] I would take
you boating along the Arno.

[CARRIE] Oh.

[CHARLES] And we would discuss
poetry long into the evening.

[CARRIE SIGHS] And then?

[CHARLES] And then to bed.

[GUARD] Oi!

The f*ck are you doing?

[JEN] Step, turn. Not turn, turn, step.

- ["ALONE" PLAYING ON RADIO]
- Let's go from the top, yeah? All right.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Okay.

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Now you listen here.

I need this money.

I need you to understand me right now.

I need you to give me a sign
that you're still in there.

Jizzlord, please.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Now you're just being
an obtuse little c**t!

I can't believe I ever
showed you my tits.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'll just mark you down
as a one for welfare.

[JIZZLORD PURRING]

[GANGSTER ] It's close to . .
I drop off to Brixton by . .

[GANGSTER ] Yeah, he just
loaded up the last one.

Why can't we just work with them?

Surely, as long as we stop the crime,

i-it doesn't matter who gets the glory.

Yes. Yes, it does. Me. I want the glory!

This might be my only chance.

[SCOFFS] There will be other crimes.

This one doesn't even seem that serious.

- Hey, look what I found.
- Oh, my God. Put them down.

Oh, no.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

- You in a rush or something?
- No, it's nothing. It's just date night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time with
your missus is not nothing.

No, I know that.

Why can't he just back down?

Or you could back down.

No! This is everything I've ever wanted.

Taking down bad guys. Being
a hero. Saving the day.

Yeah. If he has to ruin his relationship
with his girlfriend to do it,

- then so be it.
- It's not what I meant.

- Do you think your girlfriend will be mad?
- Not mad.

Maybe just disappointed.

- Oh, disappointed is way worse than mad.
- [GRUNTS]

Trust me, if a guy did that to me,

- it would be game over.
- [GREGOR] Jesus Christ.

[KASH] I know. I don't want that.

But I'm not leaving here
till I've saved something.

It sounds like you do have
something to save, mate.

Hey, Kash. This is stupid.

Somewhere in this building, criminals
are doing something criminal,

and here we are, arguing in a cupboard.

Who's stepping aside? You or me?

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE]

[CHARLES] I'm getting
black cherry. Plum, perhaps.

[CARRIE] Should we be
cheeky and open the Merlot?

[CHARLES] I thought you said you had
an engagement with your beau. Hmm?

[CARRIE] He was never gonna show up.

[CHARLES] He's a fool.

[CHARLES] Perhaps it's not meant to be.

[CARRIE] No, no, it is. We've
been together since university.

[CHARLES] He seems as
familiar to you as an old coat.

Just because something is well-worn

doesn't necessarily mean
it is well-fitting. Hmm?

[JEN] Come on. Please. I need you.

I need you you.

If you were here, you'd
know the right things to say.

What am I talking
about? No, you wouldn't.

You'd say something really weird,
and probably a little gross,

but I think I'd quite
like that right now.

Let's just go home.

Donna's right. We're never gonna win.

I'm just gonna quickly
steal everything first.

[JIZZLORD, ON RECORDER]
If you're listening to this,

I've taken the cat food.

Don't try and argue with me. I want
you to take me to the cat show.

Oh, and scratch me behind the ears.

I like that.

Um, I didn't want to turn back
into Hercule when you asked,

because I really like my life now.

I know I should be trying
to find out who I was,

but I'd rather stay with you.

I know what it's like to feel
like something's missing from you.

And I don't want you to feel that way.

And you won't have to
because we're gonna win.

[SING-SONGY] Okay, bye.

Uh, bye.

♪ Hello, it's so good to see you ♪

♪ We met before, but nice to meet you ♪

♪ Yeah, I don't really wanna be here ♪
♪ Like... ♪

- [ANGE, ON PHONE] Jennifer?
- Ange.

- [ANGE] Do you know what time it is?
- Yeah, I know we're about to close.

You know those costumes that
we were going to throw out

because, legally, they
were too flammable?

[ANGE] Yeah, the one with the sequins?

Do we still have those?

I think that's probably
enough wine. [HICCUPS]

[CHARLES] I will not have such
treasonous language in my court.

[CARRIE] I'm so sorry, Your Highness.

[CHARLES] You ought
to watch your tongue,

or I'll have you put over my knee.

[CARRIE] You wouldn't dare...

- [KASH] Carrie!
- Kash?

Kash?

[PANTING] I'm here.
And I'm done with it.

All of it. I'm done with it.

Oh.

- What are you wearing?
- Uh...

I like it.

Shall we have this date?

I should like that very much.

Sick.

What takeaway do you want?

Now, I know we normally get pizza,

but apparently, the Chinese has
started doing sweet potato wedges,

which is like, I mean, game changer.

That's insane.

Oh, what TV do you wanna watch?

No.

Sorry, this is a really important night.

Let's do a YouTube deep dive.

I've been recommended these
skateboarding-accident compilations

which are meant to be...

[KISSES]

Yeah?

[DONNA] Wonderful.

Let's hear it for Frida Cat-lo.

[CLAPPING, CHEERING]

You're up.

Don't f*ck it up.

That prize money is ours.

It's you and me. Ride or die.

[DONNA] Jennifer and Hercule!

["ALONE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE MEMBER CLEARS THROAT]

♪ I hear the ticking of the clock ♪

♪ I'm lying here ♪
♪ The room's pitch dark ♪

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[AUDIENCE MEMBER ] Boo!
What are you doing? Boo!

♪ No answer on the telephone ♪

♪ And the night goes by ♪
♪ So very slow ♪

♪ And my love for you ♪
♪ Is still unknown ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ Till now I always got by on my own ♪

♪ I never really cared ♪
♪ Until I met you ♪

♪ And now it chills me to the bone ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

♪ Alone ♪

[CRYING]

[AUDIENCE MEMBER] My eyes!

[CRYING CONTINUES]

[MUSIC ENDS]

No.

Yeah, fair enough.

- [YOUTUBERS GROAN ON LAPTOP]
- [LAUGHS]

[CRASHES ON LAPTOP]

[YOUTUBER ] Yo, watch out. Watch out!

- [CRASHES]
- [YOUTUBER GROANS]

You want some?

["ALWAYS FOREVER" PLAYING]

[LAUGHING] Oh, no.

- [SIGHS] I've missed this.
- [YOUTUBER SHOUTING]

It's nice getting back
to normal, isn't it?

Isn't it?

You're not saying anything.

Oh, no. No!

I'm sorry. I really messed it
up. You must be so mad at me.

And now you don't have the money,
and so you're not going to...

♪ You know ♪
♪ You've got me in your pocket ♪

♪ You don't ♪
♪ Just have to wait around ♪

♪ You know I keep you in my locket ♪

♪ Just come here ♪
♪ And we can settle down ♪

[SIREN WAILING]

["ALONE" PLAYING]

♪ Till now I always got by on my own ♪

♪ I never really cared ♪
♪ Until I met you ♪

♪ And now it chills me to the bone ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

♪ Alone ♪