02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

[Mae] When I was a kid in Canada,
I got chased by a bear.

I was walking through the forest,
and I walked right in front of a bear.

And it ran at me, and it chased me.

And I ran and I hid in this cabin,

and I could hear it,
like pacing around outside,

and breathing like the... like The Revenant.

And, uh, I was so scared.

And the f*cked-up thing is I'm...

I'm not % sure if that really happened.

Like...

I remember it, I have that memory,

but if you had a g*n to my head
and you were like, "Did that happen?" I...

[sighs] It's foggy.

And that's how I feel about my teens.

Just foggy and, like...

there were these relationships where

I thought it was one thing.
Like, I thought we were in love,

but maybe
it was something completely different.

And I'm just, for the first time,

looking back and...

properly thinking about it
and just thinking, "What the f*ck?"

You know what I mean?

Babe, I think it needs a punchline.

It's not a joke, Donna. I'm...
I'm going through something right now.

Well, I've got something
that'll cheer you up. Big news.

Didn't I say
I was going to do big things for you?

- Yeah.
- Well, listen to this.

Arnie Rivers.

- What about Arnie Rivers?
- Calls me up out of the blue.

Says he wants you
and Jack Barry on his panel show.

TV, Mae. f*cking TV!

- [sighs]
- No. What is this?

I'm sorry, it's just Arnie Rivers.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.

He tried to show me
his donklish in a toilet stall.

It's people like that,

part of the reason I end up
a cupboard full of Tupperware with PTSD.

A doctor said I had PTSD. Sorry.

[breathes deeply]

Sorry? Mae. This is incredible.
You're telling me you've been abused?

I mean, like a bit, but I'm not special.

Most people have and they're fine.
You probably have been.

- Of course I have.
- So what're you gonna do about it?

Exactly. What are you going to do?

f*ck.

When I was your age,
there was no dialogue around this stuff.

All I could do was write
a list of names in my little black book.

Names of men
who will burn in hell for their misdeeds.

But things are different now.

You have a platform and an opportunity.

- An opportunity for what?
- You're gonna do Arnie's panel show.

And live on television,
you're gonna air his dirty laundry.

- I don't know what that will achieve.
- Retribution, Mae.

Justice. For all the women
he's done this to before.

You'll be like John Wick,
in John Wick Chapter .

[upbeat music playing]

I've always wanted to be John Wick.

[upbeat music playing]

Okay, thanks guys.

- I won't let you d...
- I have news. Who... Who are you talking to?

- Who are you talking to?
- To you.

Me too. Hello, Mae.

Hello, Phil.

Okay. George! George, I have news.
I got big news.

- Yeah?
- [Mae] Check it out.

I'm gonna be on Fun Junk.

- On Arnie River's panel show. On TV!
- What?

Aye, aye, aye.

Yeah, no, I know he's a creep,
and he tried to creep me, but guess what?

I'm gonna bring that up live on the show.

How badass is that? It's like k*ll Bill.

I don't know what to say.
That's really brave, and also quite mad?

This is good! Donna thinks it's good.

This is like me finally taking action

about all the things
I'm f*cking furious about.

- That's good I think.
- I'll come with you.

Me too. Me too. We'll all go.

No, I wanna do this on my own.

This is me being a big boy,
handling things.

I'm a grown up. I can do it.
I'm gonna be proactive.

What about therapy first, buddy?

This seems kind of chaotic.

No, I gotta write some jokes.

- I've never been on TV before.
- Okay.

What should I wear?
Black T-shirt? White T-shirt?

I gotta pack some clothes!

- Hello?
- Hey, Dad. [grunts]

- I mean, Malcolm.
- Hello, Phil. Any news?

Yeah, I got news.

Spooky news.

Oh, God.

[sobbing] No. No, I can't believe it.

[George] Clocky... Clocky, please.
I'm not dying.

I just don't have time
for this group anymore. I'm sorry.

- Is this about our break-up?
- Elliott, you... you have been great.

I just... I'm sorry.

- Clocky.
- [Clocky sobbing]

Clocky, stop.

[Becky] Sorry.

Sorry if I'm missing something, um,
but, George, wasn't it your idea

that we met on Wednesday evenings
to talk about a big end-of-term project?

I'm confused because that was your idea.

Thank you, Becky. Yes, it was my idea.

But Mae is having
a tough time at the moment,

and I need to be her support.

She's my priority and... and...

- This has to take a back seat.
- [sighs]

Right, well, can we have
a group hug at least for closure?

Could we maybe have
like a group wave instead?

Okay, so I got a writer's room,

then a dress rehearsal,
and then like a run-through, I think.

Have you thought about
how you're gonna feel after the show?

After I'm gonna feel like Liam Neeson.

I'm finally holding people accountable.
Is my hair okay, though?

Mae, your hair's always the same.
You're like an anime character.

I thought it was Scott
and people in Canada

that you wanted to hold accountable.
Now it's Arnie?

Who cares about Scott?

I know how I feel about Scott.
I'm not responding to any of his texts.

He's just some schmuck.

Nobody gives a sh*t about the tech guy
in a Toronto comedy club.

This is different.
This is like somebody in power.

It's a big deal.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye. I'll see you there.

- Don't you have work?
- I took the day off to help.

That's really nice.
But I really don't need you there.

I'm not an invalid, you know?
I'm a warrior.

I'm like Rufio.

Jack, do you think my hair ever changes?

Oh my God, what if I cry during filming?

I'm scared.

Um, I'll meet you inside, okay?

- I want to check something out.
- Okay.

Do you think they'll let me go toilet?

Phil?

- No.
- What do you mean, "No"?

What are you doing?
I told you not to come.

I know, your parents
wanted me to look after you.

My parents?
What are you talking about?

Don't hate me. We just started talking.

You just started talking
to my parents in Canada?

They're worried. You bailed on rehab
and ignore their calls.

I'm not ignoring their calls.

They don't respect my choices,
or my privacy.

- I guess you don't either.
- Hear me out, baby, please.

I really don't think this is a good idea.
Okay, you've got PTSD, dude.

Don't you think, instead of your agent,
you need to speak to a professional?

Donna is a professional.
A professional agent.

God, this is like the first time in years
that I've felt strong and amped up.

I feel like Kylo Ren.

I wanna do this on my own,
on my own terms.

Is it on your own terms, Mae?
'Cause it doesn't feel like it.

Honestly, to me, showbiz is hell.

It's hell.

Trust me, I know.
I'm from Tinseltown, Hollywood.

It's a bunch of frickin' scorpions
like Donna exploiting

and commodifying pain for giggles.

Yeah, well, it's my job, Phil,
and I love showbiz and I love giggles.

So maybe I'm a scorpion.

Donna says that trauma's
incredibly trendy right now,

and I trust her.
I trust her a lot more than I trust you,

'cause at least
she's not stalking me in a weird hat.

God, go home, Phil.

[exhales]

[sobbing]

Sorry.

Ahoy, Captain.

Dad? What are you doing here?

I thought I'd swing by,
see how you're doing.

I'm very busy.
You can't just swing by without calling.

- Well, I do own this house, so I can.
- [sighs]

Uh, no, I just want to grab your old cot
and pram for the new baby.

He's due in three weeks.
God, I am excited to be a dad.

You're already a dad.
My dad, if you remember.

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Never mind. This isn't a good time.
I'm running late.

I'm meant to be going to a recording
of Fun Junk to support Mae, my girlfriend.

Do you remember?

Oh yeah, no, I got the email, yeah.
Bit of fun, isn't it?

Yeah, sorry, I didn't respond.
It was Wimbledon semifinals.

- Oh, okay.
- Hey, I could come to the recording.

- I don't think so.
- Yeah.

Then... Then we could catch up,
and I could meet Mae.

I can drive. I've got the Jag.

Mae's put me on the guest list

and I don't think you can get tickets
at this late notice.

- [phone chimes]
- Got 'em.

- What?
- Easy. Fantastic.

Okay, we'll just get the baby stuff
out of the attic. Put the kettle on.

Come in.

[groovy music playing]

- Hello, darling. Hello, my love.
- Hi.

Let's have a little look at you, shall we?

Bit of blusher, bit of eye shadow,
bit of lippy and we're done. Yeah?

Maybe we just keep it really plain like...

It's just for the camera, love, so...

Oh my God.

Maybe if you just do me
like you'd do a boy?

- Like a boy.
- Mm.

But you're not a boy, are you?

[laughs] You're not gonna make
my life difficult, are you?

- Mae! Hey. Hi.
- Hi.

Thanks for being part
of Season of Fun Junk.

- Oh, thanks for having me. I'm pumped.
- Oh, it's gonna be great.

First things first.
I'm gonna get you to film a little ident,

just introducing yourself.

The writers have written them for you.
Jack's doing his now. Look.

- [woman] Action, Jack.
- "I'm Jack Barry."

"I'm like Seth Rogen,
but without the brains or charisma."

"Tune in to watch me skewer the news."

"Mm, skewer. Me hungry."

- [woman] And cut.
- [laughing] I love it. Funny, Jack.

Mae, have a read of yours.
We tried to really write it in your voice.

"Hi, I'm Mae Martin.
Some people think I look like a boy."

"It's kinda weird,
but kinda cool too, I guess."

- Um...
- Brilliant. Brilliant.

Loads of enthusiasm, please.
Yeah, really sell it. [laughs]

[woman] And action.

"Hi! I'm Mae Martin.
Some people think I look like a boy."

"It's kinda weird,
but kinda cool too, I guess."

- You know what? I'm not loving it...
- Let her say what she wants, Mark.

She's great when she's riffing.

Arnie.

- How you doing? Oh.
- Hi.

- Thank you for doing this.
- Thanks for having me.

I'll look after you out there.
It's gonna be brilliant.

Get away from her with that, Maureen.

- Uh, Mark, I'm just gonna steal Mae.
- [Mark] Yeah. Sure thing.

Hi, Arnie.

[pouring drink]

[Arnie] Listen, Mae,

I want to apologize
for that little incident,

when I tried to show you
my very famous penis.

I mean, it was so f*cked up. I'm serious.

And I was in such a weird place,
and I'm a lot better now.

That's good.

You're not the first comic

to try to present an unsolicited d*ck
to me in the workplace.

[laughs] That's great.

It's not... It's not great, obviously.

You know what I mean.
Anyway, thank you for being so cool.

Smash it out there, I will introduce you
to the execs after the show.

They're always on the lookout
for funny people.

[tense music playing]

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

- I'm really excited.
- Good.

I'll be rooting for you out there.

Having you on the show
is my lame excuse for an apology.

[bell rings]

[man over intercom]
Arnie, you're needed on set.

See you on the dance floor.

[door opens]

So, tell me about this job of yours.

Who's ruffling feathers?
Who's sleeping with who?

Oh, Dad, it's a school, not a sex house.

So tell me. What's it like?

Well, I had set up
this like social activism group.

That was quite good, but I gave it up.

- Yeah.
- Why?

Well, Mae's got a lot on her plate
at the moment.

Fair enough.

- Ooh.
- What are you doing?

Gonna pick up
some shades from Sunglass Hut.

- No, Dad. We're gonna be late!
- It'll be fine.

- It'll be two shakes of a lamb's tail.
- No, Dad.

This doesn't look right.

Dad, are we lost?

No, no, not at all.
It's a... It's a shortcut.

- Trust me.
- [phone chimes]

Oh my God. Dad, is that a nude?

Hell's bells, that's Vivian.

Oh. Met her at the gym.

Bodacious pair of cans.

Are you joking? Are you joking?

- What?
- You're having a baby with your new wife!

George, Camila and I
have an open marriage.

What?

- You do?
- Yes.

I do a bit of rustling here,
rustling there.

Camila does the same. No jealousy.

Seriously, it's... it's great.
It makes us stronger.

Jesus.

I thought all young people did that.

Especially you and Mae, being trendy.

- Actually, Mae's very traditional.
- Hmm.

She is. She gets quite, like, stressed.

That's not... Yeah, that's not really
something that we would do.

Oh. Fair enough.

Shame.

Wanna see me do a handbrake turn?

- No, thank you. You'll crash.
- No, I won't.

I'll be like Bond. Watch.

- Dad, Dad, no! Dad!
- [tires squealing]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Smooth operator ♪

♪ Protect me from the riot ♪

♪ She don't no, no ♪

♪ Smooth operator ♪

♪ Push me to the side ♪

♪ She don't love me anymore... ♪

[crowd applauding]

All right, give me a cheer

if you've been to a taping
of Arnie Rivers Fun Junk before?

- [audience cheering]
- [chuckling] All right.

So you know the show.
This is recorded live.

So don't pick your nose, don't heckle,
and keep the energy up.

[audience cheering, applauding]

I can see my mum.

Hey, babe.

Ready to give him hell?
Deep breath. That's it.

Remember, right after the halfway break,

just really confidently
look him dead in the eye and say,

"Are we gonna talk about the fact
that you're a f*cking sleaze,

you dirty little pig-dog."
Obviously in your own words.

- Yeah. I'm kind of having second thoughts.
- What?

Have we thought about
what happens for me after the show?

Yeah, no, no. That's the fun part.

The tabloids calling,
morning talk show rounds,

full page in the Sun probably,
Celebrity Big Brother.

But what if I want to work towards
like a thoughtful Netflix special?

- Or what if his lawyers come after me?
- [laughs]

- Bring it on.
- [woman] Places for Mae and Jack, please.

- [bell rings]
- Donna, what if I misremembered it?

Mae, stop dicking about.

You owe this to everyone
who doesn't have a platform.

- You owe this to me.
- [woman] Cue Mae and Jack, in three...

[audience applauding]

[Arnie] Please welcome
to Fun Junk our guest players,

Jack Barry

and Mae Martin!

[audience cheering, applauding]

Welcome to another episode of Fun Junk.

Mae, great to have you.

Thanks, Arnie.

I'm just here to fill
the diversity checkbox.

[audience laughs]

Well, I'm glad you said it and not me.

Jack, how are you, sir?

- Yeah, I'm just here for the snacks.
- [all laughing]

[speaking indistinctly]

- How long's it gonna take?
- He said the engine's filled with sticks.

But, uh, there's no real damage.

- We'll be good to go in about an hour.
- An hour?

Dad, I'm meant to be there now!

What's the big deal?
You're in the audience.

- You can be a bit late.
- No. I can't.

Being there for people means
actually physically being there, right?

Not like rolling up smelling of cigars
whenever it suits you.

What? What are you on about?

You are the single
most selfish person I know.

I was never
the most important thing to you, was I?

That's because you should be
the most important thing to you.

Okay, I really don't think you understand
how adult relationships work.

Sometimes you have
to sacrifice your own needs.

Christ on a bike, you sound
like your mother. Such a bloody martyr.

- Ah.
- I stuck it out for years with your mum.

I was so unhappy, and so was she, and you.

You weren't a happy kid.
You used to go off in the garden

and... and sing sea shanties. It was weird.

Yes, maybe I am selfish, but I...
I took control of my own happiness.

And I think perhaps you should too.

Why did you even turn up today, Dad?

Everything was fine before you came,
now we're in a ditch and Mae needs me.

I came because I’m having a son.

And I want him
to have a sister in his life.

I want you to know him.

We can't always get what we want, can we?
I think I'm gonna run.

- I'm gonna get there on time. Goodbye.
- No, George. George! George! Come on!

Do you wanna keep these sticks?

- [buzzer sounding]
- Mae?

Is it Kim Kardashian in a mariachi band?

- [audience laughing]
- [laughs] I'll give you a point for that.

And at the halftime break,
in the lead we have Mae on six points...

- [audience applauding]
- ...and Jack, true to form, is on zero.

[audience laughs]

We'll be back in a few.

[show music playing]

- Hey. How am I doing?
- f*cking great, Mae.

- Really?
- [Mark] Honestly.

You're a last-minute replacement
for Brad Chester.

Best choice we ever made.
You're a way better fit.

- Am I?
- [Mark] Yes.

You're young and fun.
That's what this show is.

Brad was like ranting on Twitter
about defunding the police.

We should defund the police.

Sure, sure, and there's a time
and a place for that,

but this show is for funny people,
not angry people.

Listen, would you consider coming back?
Maybe as a guest host?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Of course I would.

We should catch up next week.
I wanna hear what ideas you have.

Maybe we get something in development.

I do have one idea.

So it's like ninja warriors,
but with sloths.

[laughs]

- Yeah.
- That's insane. We'll talk, yeah?

No, I'm serious.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, so you ready?

Yeah, this is what I'm thinking.

Donna, I've been doing comedy
since I was years old.

So that's years that I've been trying
to get on TV for being funny.

And now I'm finally...

- I'm not gonna do it.
- You are going to f*cking do it!

No, I'm not, Bilbo Baggins.

[woman] Back in seconds, people.

[inaudible]

[man] Camera one, take five.

[show music playing]

[audience cheering]

And we're back. Round three on Fun Junk.

I hope you had a drink, did a poo,

and are ready for some puntastic revelry.

- [audience laughing]
- Who writes this sh*t?

So, guests, can anyone tell me

what's something unusual you would find
in the Prime Minister's fridge?

Mae?

[tense music playing]

Arnie? Do...

Do you remember...

[music intensifies]

I don't know. I don't know.

Okay. Um... [clicks tongue]

- Jack, what about you?
- Um...

Uh, Arnie, is it true

that you once tried to force Mae
to touch your willy in the toilet?

[audience murmuring]

You what, mate?

Mae, isn't that true?

Jack, I think
you should leave me and Arnie

out of your f*cked up sexual fantasies.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

Arnie, can we gunge Jack for that?

- Damn right, we can.
- [male voice] It's gunge time!

[audience cheering, applauding]

[audience whistling]

- Hi.
- [receptionist] Hi.

Sorry, hi, I'm... I'm here for Fun Junk.

- I'm George Lawson.
- [receptionist] Okay.

Yeah, I'm on Mae Martin's guest list.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, your name's not on the list.

- Are you sure? Yeah.
- [receptionist] Yeah.

Sorry.

Oh.

Oh, right.

Yeah, okay, thanks.

[horn honks]

That's fine.

So, what happened?

- Mae didn't put me on the guest list.
- What?

Well, that dirty rotten bitch!

No, no, she said...
she said that she didn't need me,

but I insisted on coming.

Ah.

What am I doing?

I took the day off work for this,
and nobody asked me to.

You see, the thing about martyrs
is that they think,

"Oh, woe is me."

And then before they know it,

they have melted
into a pile of bones and ash.

Is that what you want for yourself?

No.

Okay, so what do you want?

g*n to the head, laser to the groin,

what do you want for your life?

I want

to be good at my job.

I really like it, weirdly.

Good. So what else?

I want to save the bees.

I want the kids to want to save the bees,
because they're gonna inherit the bees.

And besides work?

I don't want to end up like you and Mum,

- on eggshells all the time.
- [chuckles]

I'm worried I'm going to disappear.

[sniffling]

And I want to go on holiday.

Then go on holiday.

[sighs]

Have you thought about
what you're gonna name the baby?

Mm.

- You have to be kidding.
- It's a strong name.

- You're calling my brother "George"?
- Yes, named after me.

- You honestly are an atrocious bellend.
- [snickers]

What do you want to do?
Do you want to wait for Mae?

No. Because Mae is fine.

Mmm.

- Could you drive me to work?
- Yeah.

[engine starts]

What the f*ck were you thinking?

Donna told me. She said you said
I should set you up to tell that story.

- I swear she told me to, Mae. I f*cked up.
- I don't want any of this.

The bad guy always wins,
and I don't even know if I'm the good guy.

Well, I'm not the bad guy.

["No Halo" by Kevin Morby playing]

- Well, that was a colossal sh*t show.
- Oh.

- What happened to John Wick?
- f*ck off, Donna.

Excuse me.

- You are on very thin ice, babe.
- What?

Are you joking? You're obviously fired.

What?

You're in my black book, Mae!

♪ No rooftop on my joy ♪

♪ When I was a child ♪

♪ Nowhere, no how, no one ♪

♪ Nothing was not made of fire ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six times the charm ♪

♪ Six, six, five, four, three, two ♪

♪ One ♪

♪ And hey, hey, hey
No, no, no ♪

♪ Halo ♪

[man] Oy!

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Halo, halo, halo, halo ♪

♪ When I was a boy ♪

♪ No rooftop on my joy ♪

♪ When I was a child ♪

♪ No one, nowhere, no how
Nothing was not made of... ♪