Welcome, welcome,
Welcome to "last week tonight!"
I'm john oliver.
Thank you so much for joining
Us.
Just time for a quick recap of
The week, which saw world
Leaders gather for the u.n.
General assembly, major
Elections in germany and canada,
And "the view" thrown into chaos
After two of its hosts tested
Positive for covid mid-show,
Leading to this incredible
Moment.
I need the two of you to step
Off for a second.
Okay.
Ana and sunny have to leave.
And we're going to bring you
Back later.
And we'll tell you why...
More information later...
It's a tease.
We'll tell you why in a
Couple minutes.
So should I introduce the
Vice president?
Yes.
Okay, so, vice president.
No!
No?
No.
Okay.
Wow.
That does not look great.
Filming a television show is
Basically like raising a
It's unpredictable,
Occasionally frustrating, and if
You ever find yourself having to
Scream "no," someone is about to
Walk into a deadly situation.
But the week's been dominated by
The events in del rio, texas,
Where thousands of migrants...
Mostly haitians... Attempting to
Cross the border were met with
This response.
Images surface of
Border patrol agents on
Horseback appearing to use their
Horse's reins like whips to
As one group tried to pass, an
Agent said this.
Hey, you use your women?
This is why your country is
sh*t!
Really?
You're gonna call "their"
Country sh*t?
Because they just got here, and
You're not making a great case
For this one.
So far, 100% of their experience
In america has involved a
Belligerent man dressed as a
Party city park ranger screaming
At them on horseback.
And when asked to respond to
Those images, the biden
Administration fell back on one
Of their greatest hits.
What did the president say?
How did he feel when he saw
Them?
He also felt they were
Horrific and horrible.
I don't know anyone who could
Watch that video and not have
That emotion.
I think it's important for
People to know, this is not who
We are.
That's not who the biden-harris
Administration is.
Well, hold on.
'Cause saying "this is not who
We are" about white people
Chasing black people on horses
Is a bit of a stretch.
Historically, we've been
Yes-and-ing that idea since
If you listed the top three
Things that make america
America, it'd be regional
Sandwich differences, flyovers
At halftime, and white people
Chasing black people while on
Horseback.
I'm not saying that's what made
America great.
Just what made america america.
As for "this is not who
The biden-harris administration
Is"... Are you absolutely sure
About that?
'Cause from an immigration
Standpoint, there's not a ton of
Evidence that you are anything
Else yet.
This administration's record on
Immigration, particularly on the
Southern border, has been deeply
Underwhelming.
And this week, they've been all
Over the map.
'Cause while many haitians were
Released into the u.s., We also
Sent thousands back to a nation
That's recently suffered an
Earthquake and a presidential
Assassination with no clear
Rationale for how those
Decisions were made.
And it's not great when our
Process for deciding who gets
Released and who gets expelled
Is as haphazard as the process
For finding the new host of
"Jeopardy!"
And by the way, great job so
Far, guys.
You dodged giving that dude the
Job permanently, and right now
We've got someone absolutely
Free of controversy,
Mayim bialik, a person I think
Is great because I don't have
Google.
And the reason we've been able
To expel over 2,000 haitians so
Quickly is the biden
Administration is using one of
Tr*mp's most infamous
Immigration policies, title 42,
A bullshit move that lets you
Turn away asylum seekers under
The guise of public health.
It is such bullshit, a federal
Judge in washington said its use
In this manner is likely
Illegal.
So it is no wonder the special
Envoy for haiti, daniel foote,
Resigned this week, refusing to
Be associated with what the
Biden administration was doing.
And it is hard to blame him when
You consider what some of these
People have gone through...
Not just in order to get here,
But in the process of being
Expelled.
Just listen to this man, who was
Put on a plane back to haiti,
Describing how he was treated.
They chained us like animals.
They chained our hands, feet,
And waist.
Once we arrived, they made us
Stay inside the plane until they
Unchained us so the journalists
Wouldn't see what they did.
That is despicable.
And just as an aside, I would
Love to know who made the pr
Judgment that showing haitians
In chains was unacceptable but
Charging them on horseback was
A-ok.
'Cause that person clearly
Knowsthey're going to hell, but
I'm not sure they grasp just how
Deep.
It feels that the biden
Administration is far more
Focused on "seeming" better when
It comes to immigration than
Actually "being" better.
Something driven further home
When, just days after her "this
Is not who we are" comment,
Jen psaki once again said the
Images from del rio were deeply
Troubling to the president and
Unveiled this big policy move.
The secretary also conveyed
To civil rights leaders earlier
This morning that we would no
Longer be using horses in
Del rio.
So that is something, a policy
Change that has been made in
Response.
Hold on.
Are you implying it was all the
Horsies' fault?
Because, if I may quote myself
After watching burberry's recent
If you're only focusing on
The horses, you're missing a
Lot.
I'm not gonna say anything about
It.
I promised him that this joke
Was finished.
But I can think about it and ask
You to look right in my eyes
While I do that.
Look, the biden administration
Promised a big shift when it
Comes to how we treat migrants
At the border, but eight months
In, where is it?
All of this is emblematic of a
Larger confusion, with one
White house official even
Saying, "I don't
Know what our immigration
Strategy is at all."
But we badly need one, and soon.
Because we're currently sending
Vulnerable people back into
Harm's way.
And it's past time for this
Administration to stop simply
Telling people who we are, and
Start f*cking showing them.
And now this.
And now, local
News anchors announce the
Changing of the seasons the only
Way they know how.
Well, today is the first day
Of fall.
I'm sorry, that's not how you
Are usually set at.
It's fall.
It is fall, y'all.
Happy fall.
It's fall, y'all.
It's fall, it y'all.
I just want to say, happy
Fall, y'all.
It's the first day of fall,
Y'all.
First day of fall, y'all.
It is the first day of fall,
Y'all.
The brand-new day, we should
Say gourd morning to you.
We have a couple of other
Headlines for you.
I'm really proud of this first
One.
Let me show you.
Here it is.
Whether headlines.
Happy fall, y'all.
Although summer and leafing.
That's good.
I'm really proud of that one.
Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns
Voting.
It's the subject of countless
Election psas, which are always
The same... Celebrities
Essentially begging you to
Vote... But in 1988, there was a
Strikingly different one.
All I'm going to say about this
Is, there is a surprise at the
End and also at the beginning.
Constitution of the
United states suggested a very
Simple way to keep fools like
These out of our government.
A reminder from members only.
Holy sh*t!
What are you doing, members
Only?
That's a bold move, putting your
Name so close to h*tler.
Although, I will say, it
Actually fits pretty well,
Considering "members only" would
Have been a perfect slogan for
The nazis.
But I want to talk about voting
Because, as you undoubtedly
Know, the latest att*ck on
Voting rights in america is well
Underway.
A new report from
The brennan center shows that
Between january and july, these
Restrict voter access.
They include crackdowns on
Mail-in and early voting,
Harsher voter i.d. Requirements,
And voter roll purges.
Yeah, it's true, all
Those states are trying to make
It harder for people to vote,
And if anyone is surprised to
See new hampshire up there, let
Me remind you:
It's a state that's
Governor and no adult seatbelt
Law.
Sure, they present themselves as
Charming, but they're basically
Florida with foliage.
That is it.
And some of the biggest
att*cks on voting rights have
Been concentrated in the
Closest states in last year's
Election, especially these
Three, where biden's combined
Margin of victory was less than
If they'd gone the other way,
Tr*mp would still be president
Right now, meaning covid would
Be even worse, we'd be at w*r
With... I don't know, let's say
Luxembourg... And we'd all be
Living under
Attorney general my pillow guy.
I know things are bleak right
Now, but depressingly, it's
Important to remember:
This is technically
The better timeline.
And I know that those pushing
These bills claim critics are
Completely distorting what's
Inside them, and any objections
Could be cleared up with a
I would encourage people to
Actually read the bill, find out
What the facts are.
It's time to take
A chill pill, folks.
It's time to read the bill.
Read the bill.
There is no voter suppression.
Read the bill and show me one
Person who's eligible to vote
That will not be able to vote.
You can't find it.
It's a lie.
It's just not there.
All right, well, if
That is your criteria, you
Obviously win.
Of course no one is going to
Find a bill that literally says
"This specific person shouldn't
Be allowed to vote."
Even though we all know there
Is someone who shouldn't be
Allowed to vote, and it's this
Guy.
His name is brandon caruso.
His favorite pizza topping is
"No sauce," his favorite season
Of "the wire" is "I haven't
Watched it yet," and his list of
Celebrities he'd have sex with
Outside of marriage is,
Exclusively, five times,
The wheel from
"Wheel of fortune."
Not vanna.
Not pat.
The wheel.
Five times.
One, two, three, four, five.
Brandon.
But the thing is, if you do
Actually read these bills, you
Quickly find they absolutely
Make it harder to vote... And
Particularly for certain people.
So tonight, we thought we'd take
A look at the att*ck on voting
Rights and how best to fight it.
And let's start with what's in
These bills, because it's a lot.
For instance, in texas... Where,
Remember, that guy claimed you
Can't find a single instance of
Voter suppression... One thing
Their bill does is roll back a
Lot of the innovative measures
Put in place during the pandemic
That made voting more
Accessible.
Among other things, it gets rid
Of 24-hour and drive-through
Voting, both methods harris
County implemented last year.
And as the county clerk who
Oversaw that election points
Out, when you look at the
Precincts where those methods
Were most popular, it's clear
The harm is pretty targeted.
Why are we taking 24-hour
Voting away?
Because 56% of voters in
November who used 24-hour voting
Were people of color.
And they know that.
Why are we taking drive-through
Voting away?
Because 53% of those voters in
Yeah, it's pretty
Obvious who you're targeting
There.
They might as well say,
"You can't arrive at a polling
Place exhibiting a face in the
Fenty 300s or higher."
Sure, you're not "saying" people
Of color, but we all know what
The f*ck is happening.
And it's not just drive-through
Voting... Texas, and all these
Other states, have added new
Barriers to voting by mail,
Coincidentally, just a year
After elections in which the
Percentage of black people who
Voted by mail surged past
White voters.
Meanwhile, all these states have
Put harsher voter i.d.
Requirements in place, even
Though federal court cases found
Black and latino voters in
States with harsh laws
Disproportionately lacked access
To the type of photo ids
Required to vote.
So already, when you do read
These bills, you find some sh*t
In plain view.
It's like a second grader
Playing hide and seek.
You're bigger than the coffee
Table, bud.
I can see your feet, hands,
Full face, and you're giggling
Very loudly.
You didn't do a good job at
Hiding.
And some of those pushing these
Bills... Like this state
Representative from georgia...
Even argue that, if a law does
Make it harder to vote, that's
Not necessarily a bad thing.
I do believe that voting in
This country is a privilege
And...
It's a right.
And it's a right as well.
But it ought to mean enough
Where you can put forth a little
Bit of effort in trying to cast
Your ballot.
Okay, except something
Can't be a right and a privilege
That you need to work for.
Because those are two completely
Different things... For
Instance, it's a
Right for brandon caruso to
Imagine what hot, tawdry sex
With the wheel of fortune would
Be like.
To imagine climbing on top of it
And taking her all in.
To think about the crowd
Watching him... Yeah, that's
Right, the studio audience is
There, and they're rooting for
Him.
Because he did it.
Brandon finally did it.
He's finally f*cking the wheel.
Imagining how good that'd feel
Is brandon's right.
But actually getting to grab
Those pegs and give the wheel a
Spin?
That is a privilege that should
Take years of effort.
And look, none of this is
Anything new.
Republicans have been pushing
Restrictive voting laws for
Years.
Back in 2013, north carolina
Crafted a law that made it so
The only acceptable forms of
Voter i.d. Were the ones
Disproportionately used by white
People, in a bill a federal
Appeals court later said
Targeted "african-american
Voters with almost surgical
Precision."
Which has to be the second-worst
Context in which to hear that
Phrase, topped only by
"Surgery."
"Look, ma'am, your husband's
Surgery was...
We got in there with 'almost'
Surgical precision.
My team's not a hundred percent
Yet, but we were really close on
This one."
And frequently, these laws have
Been helped along by well-funded
Groups like the heritage
Foundation, whose co-founder,
Paul weyrich, famously admitted,
"I don't want everybody to
Vote," and whose former
President, jim demint, once
Approvingly said, "in the states
Where they do have voter i.d.
Laws, you've actually seen
Elections begin to change
Towards more conservative
Candidates."
Pretty much giving the game
Away.
And heritage is very much still
At it.
Just this year, the executive
Director of their sister
Organization, heritage action,
Actually bragged about their
Role in pushing this year's new
Bills.
We are working with state
Legislators to make sure they
Have all the information they
Need to draft the bills.
In some cases we draft them for
Them.
They have been huge victories
Sending bills on march 8th.
Little fanfare, honestly, nobody
Even noticed.
My team looked at each other and
We were like, it can't be that
Easy.
It can't be that easy.
Hold on there,
Tj maxx ivanka Tr*mp.
Because anyone saying "it can't
Be that easy" to do anything
Other than sneaking their own
Snacks into the movies
Absolutely must be stopped.
The point here is, this has been
A concerted, organized effort
Over many years.
But the reason it now has a much
Higher chance of working has to
Do with a pair of supreme court
Decisions that gutted the
Landmark 1965 voting rights act,
Which prohibited racial
Discrimination in voting.
The first decision...
Shelby county vs. Holder...
Basically released these areas,
Which had a prior history of
Discriminatory voting laws, from
Having to run any new ones past
The federal government first
Before they took effect.
And the second...
Brnovich vs. Dnc... Essentially
Found that even if a voting
Restriction has a discriminatory
Impact, that in itself doesn't
Necessarily violate the voting
Rights act.
Those two decisions basically
Made it easier for some states
To pass discriminatory laws,
While at the same time, making
It much harder for anyone to
Challenge them.
And given that one of the
Dwindling ways you can still
Successfully sue under the vra
Is by demonstrating a bill is
Racially motivated, it's hardly
Surprising that those passing
These new laws have been quick
To shut down any discussion of
Their racial impact.
In fact, in texas, in the midst
Of debating their new bill,
There was this incredible
Members, this is a reminder
To everyone to be civil and
Respectful to our colleagues as
We debate sb-1.
The chair would appreciate
Members not using the word
"Racism" this afternoon.
Look, look, if the word
You don't want people to use is
"Racism," I hate to break it to
You, but you're doing a racism.
Someone might've told you that
Sooner, but in fairness, you
Told them they're not allowed.
A constant theme in debates over
These bills is black-elected
Officials pointing out their
Impact and their white
Colleagues telling them to be
Quiet.
In arizona, back in april, they
Were debating a bill that makes
It hard for many voters to
Receive an early ballot in the
Mail.
But watch what happened when one
Lawmaker started pointing out
The disproportionate impacts
That would have.
The effect of this bill will
Make it harder for independent
Voters, seniors, native
Americans, black, brown, and
Low-income people to vote.
To each of you...
Point of order.
In 2022...
Point of order.
I have 12 words for you.
Point of order.
Show up...
Point of order.
Show out...
Point of order.
And vote.
Okay, you should never
Shout someone down when they
Only want to say 12 words,
Unless, of course, those 12
Words are, "his testicles became
Swollen.
His friend was weeks away from
Getting married."
And look, and look, I know, that
Obviously doesn't look good.
But wait until you see that
Man's colleague read from the
Rule book to explain his
"Point of order."
In accordance with rule 19a,
No member shall be permitted to
Indulge in personalities, use
Language personally offensive,
Arraign motives of members,
Charge deliberate
Misrepresentation, or use
Language tending to hold a
Member of the house or senate up
To contempt.
And I feel personally that
Motives were arraigned of
Members, including myself, with
Regards to colored people, black
People, whatever people this
Individual wants to single out
In their ability to vote.
And I don't think it's correct
And I think he should be sat
Down and he shouldn't be allowed
To speak.
Oh, f*ck all the way
Off.
I don't care what the situation
Is.
The second someone starts
Reading you the rules from a
Weird, tiny book, they can just
f*ck right off into the sun.
Also, for the record, if you say
The words "colored people" and
It's not immediately preceded by
"National association for the
Advancement of," you are
Officially in time-out.
But republicans cannot just
Claim they're not being r*cist
In pushing these bills... They
Do still need a reason for them.
So what, exactly, is that
Reason?
Well, for years, they claimed
There was an epidemic of voter
Fraud, despite the fact actual
Instances of that are incredibly
Rare.
So they've now shifted their
Justification from something
Measurable... What people are
Doing... To something much less
Tangible... What they're
Feeling.
Just listen to the lieutenant
Governor of texas making that
Exact pitch.
I've been asked why this bill
Is needed.
Very simple.
The bill is needed because
Americans no longer trust the
System.
And a country where voters do
Not trust the system is a
Country in peril.
Yeah, okay, but you
Still need a reason to legislate
Against something.
You can't just do it based on a
Feeling.
If that were the case, I'd
Propose a bill to outlaw
Tilda swinton.
Why?
Too creepy.
She looks like a ghost who knows
Exactly how and when you'll die
But won't tell you because it's
More fun for her that way.
But I will say, despite the fact
State and local officials found
The last election to be
"The most secure in american
History," the truth is, many
Republicans don't trust the
System.
But the reason for that might be
That people like dan patrick
Spent all last year calling
Voting by mail a scam by
Democrats to steal the election,
And saying sh*t like this:
Look, when you have an
Opportunity to steal a vote, the
Democrats will take advantage of
It.
And you can swing the ballots
Easily, ed.
I could give you ten scenarios,
But I won't, because I don't
Want to give anyone ideas how
You can easily steal thousands
Of votes.
Oh, come on, dan.
"I can give you ten scenarios,
But I won't" is such an obvious
Lie.
It's up there with
"I have a girlfriend, she goes
To a different school, you
Wouldn't know her",
Or "I'm five
Minutes away!" Or "I've never
sexually fantasized about lobsters."
We've all done that.
It's natural.
They're stoic and terrifying,
the perfect sexual combination.
What are we looking for if not
someone who knows what they want
And also hates you? That's lobsters,
buddy! We want their claws pinching our
Earlobes. Not too
hard, but honestly? Hard.
Like when the dentist says
"does this hurt?" And you say
"No" but you mean "yes" because
you're kind of curious what this
Dentist can do when pushed.
Do you know how many legs a
Lobster has?
I'll tell you:
A sex amount.
Bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk.
Bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk.
That many.
f*ck me stupid,
You weaponized ocean bitch.
Here is four hit reasons why it
Would be cool to f*ck an
Adult-sized lobster on holiday:
They live a long time, meaning
They know what they're doing;
Their backs are incredibly
Strong and responsive...
I shouldn't have to explain why
That's good sexually;
They're incapable of racism;
And they can't talk and
Ruin the mood.
We ask "is this good?"
And they just sort of wobble
Their horrible black eyes
Around.
My point here is, we all think
About having sex with burdened,
Unhappy lobsters all the time,
Even in winter, and that's
Why we shouldn't listen to
Dan patrick or, honestly,
Whoever it was I was talking
About earlier.
I don't remember.
But here's the thing:
There's a reason patrick can
Give you ten scenarios for
Democrats stealing elections,
But no evidence, and that's
Because... Despite saying he'd
Pay up to a million dollars for
Evidence of voter fraud...
He has, to put it mildly, not
Paid out.
And local election supervisors
Themselves will tell you these
Bills make no sense.
The florida supervisors of
Elections strongly opposed their
State's new bill, with one
Republican supervisor telling a
Reporter, "it's stupid, okay?
It was a solution looking for a
Problem."
But it's actually one step worse
Than that.
Because these are solutions to
Problems that have been
Deliberately and strategically
Manufactured.
The game's pretty obvious:
Use bullshit claims to stir up
Baseless fear to pass
Unnecessary restrictions
targeting particular groups.
Just look at what happened this
Week.
The nonsense "audit" in arizona
Come to a humiliating conclusion
that failed to show, yet again,
That Tr*mp was cheated of
victory... But its organizers
Still recommended the
legislature tighten up the
Election process to provide
additional certainty going
Forward.
Because of course they f*cking
Did.
It's all a shameless attempt to
Get to the same place.
So what can we do to fight all
This?
The good news is, there's
Proposed legislation that
Addresses many of the problems
You've seen tonight.
The john lewis voting rights
advancement act would restore
Parts of the vra the supreme
court gutted.
And more substantially, there's
the freedom to vote act, which
Would, among other things, make
Voting by mail available for
Every voter, make election day a
Public holiday, and make
a*t*matic voter registration a
National standard.
Unfortunately, mitch
Mcconnell's announced he'll
Filibuster any attempts to get
Either of those acts passed.
So if we want to protect the
ballot... Which we absolutely
Should... We need to end the
filibuster.
And you'd hope every national
Democratic politician would be
Screaming about this, but some
Are doing the opposite.
Joe manchin's consistently
Defended the filibuster.
And when joe biden was asked if
He supports doing away with it
To specifically protect
Voting rights, this
Was his maddening answer.
What I don't want to do is
Get wrapped up, right now, in
The argument of whether or not
This is all about the filibuster
Or... Look, the american public,
You can't stop them from voting.
You tried last time.
More people voted last time than
Any time in american history.
In the middle of the worst
Pandemic in american history.
More people did.
And they showed up.
They're going to show up again.
They're going to do it again.
Sure, joe.
Maybe.
Or maybe they'll show up and get
Turned away, because of
Everything we've been talking
About.
Biden's white house even
Reportedly told voting rights
Groups that it's possible to
Outorganize voter suppression.
But the problem is, it isn't.
It just isn't.
That's what voter suppression
Is, as activists and actual
Organizers will tell you:
I'm very upset with
President biden because I feel
Like he's not advocating for us
In this moment.
What I want him to see is...
Is to stop saying to outorganize
Voter suppression.
I want him to support the
Elimination of the filibuster.
I want him to support and
Endorse the for the people act
Because he needs to step up...
Step up to the plate.
We are at a... At a crossroads.
We need federal assistance
Immediately.
If he's incapable of that, he
Needs to be quiet and go.
Yeah, he's right.
The solution to being blocked
From voting can't be to
"Just vote" for the same reason
That the solution to being
Locked out of your home can't be
To tell someone "just go inside
And get the keys."
What the f*ck are you talking
About?
I'm locked out.
How are you not understanding
This situation?
All of this is to say to joes
Biden, manchin, and any other
Joe who wants to skip doing
Anything significant and instead
Rely on the perseverance of the
Stop f*cking
Around and fix this.
I know it's tempting to bang the
Optimistic drum that more
Americans showed up last year
Than ever before, and by gum,
They'll do it again, but here's
The republicans know
That might happen... That's why
They're doing this.
And anyone unwilling to do what
It takes to actually tackle this
Problem should... And I can't
Believe I'm going to borrow this
Quote... Really be sat down and
Not allowed to speak.
And now this.
And now, the
utterly spectacular dramatic
Pauses of espn's
Stephen a. Smith.
I'm going to tell you the
Winners and losers...
For this summer already...
Houston, you have a problem.
Speaking of problems...
I'm pretty ticked off!
Oh, and my ticked!
Put it mildly, I am having a
Very bad day!
I am in no mood!
So what happens?
Not one, not one, not one!
It's not bad.
Not bad.
I'll tell you something...
Melo is gone!
Moving on.
Before we go tonight, a quick
Word about the outdoors.
It's home to lakes, trees, and
The candy witch who lures
Children to their doom.
It's great!
Specifically, I want to talk
About one way to conserve the
precious nature the outdoors
Contains, and that is duck stamps.
If you've never heard of them,
I'll let this charmingly stilted
The majority of stamps are
Sold to waterfowl hunters who,
by law, must have a federal
Duck stamp in their possession
While hunting.
Increasingly others, young
And old, are voluntarily buying
Federal duck stamps as an
Effective, direct way to help
Conserve our nation's waterfowl
And other wildlife.
Now, I know that looks
sweet, but what you didn't see
There is the screaming that
happened as soon as those two
Kids got home.
"What are these?
Duck stamps?
I sent you to the store for
Medicine!
Listen to me, your sister is
About to die because you keep
Spending all her insulin money
On bird stickers!"
Every year, the
Federal government issues a
Duck stamp, which isn't a
postage stamp, but is
Effectively a kind of permit for
hunters.
They currently cost $25, and
They've actually been a huge
Success story for conservation,
With 98 cents of every dollar
That they make going to
Preserving wetlands.
Since 1934, the stamps have
Raised more than a billion
Dollars to protect over
Habitat.
And that's partly because
Non-hunters like to collect them
too.
And you can see why.
There've been some beauties in
The past, like this 1960s stamp
Featuring a family of redhead
Ducks, this 1980s one
Showcasing a majestic
Snow goose, and this mottled
Duck from the 2000s who is
Absolutely ripped.
Check out the definition on that
Back.
Quick question, does this stamp
Come with moo shu pancakes?
'Cause that duck is shredded.
But the best thing about the
Duck stamp is how each year's is
Chosen... Because it's an
Annual, nationwide art
Competition.
And the judging of it is no
Joke.
The judges independently vote
On each entry.
They consider not only the
Visual impact of the art and how
It might look as a stamp but
Also whether it is anatomically
Accurate.
Ducks must
Not only be beautiful, but
Anatomically accurate.
An especially fun requirement,
Given that you're painting an
Animal that has... As we've
Mentioned on this show before...
A long, corkscrew-shaped penis.
It's a fact that drove us to
Create this image of donald duck
That... As of taping... Disney
Had not yet sued us over.
And once you start looking into
The duck stamp contest, it's not
Long before you find some drama.
There are big names, like the
Hautman brothers, an actual
Duck dynasty who, going into
This year's competition, had
Collectively won it 13 times.
They are truly the duck
G.o.a.t.s.
And there's also been a heated
Rivalry between one of the
Regular, traditional duck
Artists, tim taylor, and his
More avant-garde rival,
Rob mcbroom, who tim taylor has
No time for.
Rob mcbroom is a guy who
Enters the duck stamp every
Year.
And every year, he violates the
Rules, he breaks every rule of
The contest, and he's really
Just an attention seeker.
He's found this contest that
People take very seriously and
The contestants work really hard
On the entries and he mocks it.
He does paintings that mock it.
Yeah, to be fair,
He does kind of do that.
He's submitted paintings to
Federal and state contests that
Clearly go against the desired
Aesthetic, like this one of two
Cartoonish ducks, and whatever
The f*ck this is.
Also, rob mcbroom is very much
Aware of tim taylor's criticism
And trolled him for years, even
Taking previous taylor paintings
And parodying them.
This is about as close as you
Can get to tim's original
Without actually knowing the
Size, and it's completely built
From scratch.
This is the piece of work
That rob mcbroom took off of the
Internet to "abstract."
The little bits I've learned
About him, I'm like, okay, he
Obviously hates barack obama,
And he hates communism.
So I decided to load it up with
Imagery with that.
Here is barack obama's birth
Certificate that he released.
Here's the eye of the duck,
Which is the communist symbol.
There's other things in here,
like he was holding a baby at a
Christening.
And then I put lenin's head on
Top of it.
Wow, that is petty.
Honestly, if I were tim, I'd
Back off at this point.
Because if this man made a
Communist duck out of your
Personal photographs, just think
What else he's capable of.
"Here's another one, tim!
The feathers are made out of
Bank statements I fished from
Your trash, and the beak is from
A photo of you I took while you
Were sleeping.
But by all means, keep talking
sh*t."
The point here is, the duck
Stamp competition is intense.
Last year, there were some
Incredible entries, like this
One of a duck somehow tripping
In midair, and this one, which
I would argue is actually
A dog stamp.
A dog on his way to
A leather bar while a duck
Happened to be passing.
I'm not saying that as a
Criticism.
I'm just saying, that's what it
Is.
But the overall winner was this
Objectively wonderful, very
Anatomically accurate painting
Of a lesser scaup drake by
Artist richard clifton.
And hiding the duck's coil-y
d*ck underwater was a very smart
Movie, richie.
You can't see it, but you know
It's down there swirling away.
That
Duck call in the corner is only
There because, under the Tr*mp
Administration, there was
Suddenly a rule that all entries
Had to feature hunting imagery,
Which many people didn't like.
Thankfully, that rule will be
Gone next year, which is good,
Because potentially driving
People away from the duck stamp
Is a terrible idea.
Stamp sales are already down,
And as you now know, that means
Less money for conservation.
What clearly needs to happen is
For more people to be driven to
Collecting these things.
And for that to work, you really
Need this year's winner to be an
Absolute doozy.
And that is where we come in.
Because the fact is, anyone can
Enter this contest.
And I'm happy to announce that,
This year, this anyone did.
We commissioned a painter to
Create this gorgeous oil
Painting of a blue-winged teal
Flying in the nintendo game
"Duck hunt," meeting their
Ridiculous hunting requirement.
This is a real painting that
Took months of work.
But I'm sorry to say, it was
Disqualified because of, and I
Quote, "the rule against having
Any numbers or lettering on the
Entry."
Which is a ridiculous
Requirement.
It's like if they said, "no duck
Stamp is allowed to feature cans
Of spaghettios or paul sorvino."
What happened in past contests
That prompted that regulation?
So that is the bad news.
The good news is, we actually
Had a second entry.
Specifically, this painting of
Ducks judging the duck stamp art
Contest.
Unfortunately, we fell victim to
The same bullshit number rule,
And this was disqualified too.
So you can probably imagine just
How relieved we were to suddenly
Remember that we'd actually
Entered three other paintings,
All of which, I'm happy to say,
Did qualify for this weekend's
Contest.
So let's take a look at them.
First, there's this one of a
Redhead duck hunting a hunter
Hunting another duck.
Hold the ominous, quietly
Maniacal look in that duck's eye
As he's about to pull the
Trigger.
It's a haunting yet triumphant
Image.
So let's see if the duck stamp
Judges liked it:
Please vote.
It's out.
Are you f*cking
Kidding me?
Not one of you judges voted for
That?
Ridiculous.
Just ridiculous.
All five of you should be
Ashamed of yourselves.
But you know what?
Fine.
Because remember, we still had
Two others.
Next up was this entry,
"Duck with a pearl earring."
Which I would argue is
Exquisite.
It makes the original vermeer
Look like a complete pile of
sh*t.
That girl doesn't even have any
Feathers.
Or a beak for that matter.
What a waste of paint.
So surely, surely, the judges
Loved this one.
Please vote.
It's out.
Oh, come on!
These judges are f*cking clowns.
They don't know sh*t about art,
They don't know sh*t about
Ducks, and they certainly don't
Know sh*t about duck art.
And, look, I'm not alone in
Being shocked by this.
The people watching the
Contest's livestream were very
Into this entry, writing
"Gorgeous.
Perfect.
Stunning."
"Y-a-a-aaas."
And "I want that on my wall."
And of course they do.
What cultured duck art lover
Would not want that?
So at this point, we were
Getting a bit nervous.
Luckily, our final painting was
Guaranteed to blow everyone
Away.
Because it is this masterpiece
Depicting a giant duck brokering
Peace between longtime duck art
Rivals tim taylor and
Rob mcbroom.
No one in their right mind
Wouldn't put this through, at
Least to the second round.
Right?
So judges, it's over to you.
Please vote.
It's out.
f*ck yourselves
Straight to hell!
I'm sorry, the federal duck
Stamp contest just lost all of
Its integrity.
Although, I admit, the judges
Weren't the only ones who didn't
Care for it.
Tim taylor himself actually
Replied to that painting in the
Chat with, "I don't know why
Anyone painted that."
Really, tim?
You don't?
I know why someone would paint
That.
It's because, one, we paid them
To, and two, it's f*cking
Awesome.
That's why.
So sadly, none of our entries
Made it past the first round of
Voting, and eventually, the
Prize went to this entry:
And now for the winner of the
With a painting of a redhead,
Mr. Jim hautman from chaska,
Minnesota.
This is his sixth win.
Get the f*ck o...
Y'know what, I have to say:
That is a beautiful duck
Painting.
I kind of get why the hautman
Brothers keep winning.
That said, I do still prefer our
"Duck hunt" one.
It's funnier and better and
Would have been a cooler stamp.
But look, I'm obviously
Disappointed that we not only
Didn't win the duck stamp art
Contest, we didn't even get a
Single vote from any judge,
Al though I think that says more
About them than it does about
Our paintings.
Because if any of ours had won,
They could've helped raise a
Bunch of money for a very good
Cause.
And the good news is, they
Actually still can.
Please come with me.
Because I'm proud to say that
We've decided to auction
Off each of these absolute
Masterpieces with 100% of
Proceeds going to the federal
Duck stamp program.
And you know what that means?
That means you... Yes, you!
Have the chance to hang any of
These originals in your own
Home.
You could get rid of your stupid
Family portrait and replace it
With something much, much
Better.
All you have to do is go to
Bestduckingstamps.com and
Bid on whichever piece speaks to
You the most.
You can bid until friday at
And I'm proud to say, ladies and
Gentlemen, the bidding starts
Now!
That is our show, thank you so
Much for watching,
We'll see you next week.
Good night!
08x24 - Voting rights in the United States
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American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.