1x16 - All About My Brother

[bunniefuu]

PREVIOUSLY

Jenny. meeting Asher, : What's the one thing that no one in our group has? I mean, not even Blair? A boyfriend.

Jenny: I met this really nice guy, and I'm supposed to meet him in the park for lunch tomorrow.

Rufus: ...You're not old enough to date.

Asher, at the door: Name's Asher, and I do go to Unity.

Lily, cooking with Rufus: He's been staying at the Ostroff Center.

Rufus: It's depression? Is it bad?

Lily: Bad enough to try to k*ll himself...

Constance Billard

Serena: Oh my God, Georgina. What are you doing here?

Georgina: Well, I told you I was coming. Didn't you get my gifts?

Chuck: What's Georgina got on you? Dan I understand. What's so bad you can't even tell me?

Georgina: So... tell me about Dan.

Serena: Dan of all people cannot know Georgie.

Central Park

Georgina: Um, I'm Sarah.

Dan: Nice to meet you, Sarah.

Gossip Girl: "And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl."

MOMA Steps

Gossip Girl: "Spotted: Jenny Humphrey wading in the Met fountain, fishing for change... Blair Waldorf, seen dallying with an off-duty doorman at the Blarney Stone on a Monday night. It looks like the battle Between the Queen B and Little J has moved from the streets to the blogs. Who's sending this debasing dish? I have a feeling..."

Blair: A nice, shiny dime to add to your collection?

Jenny: Why the fruit cup, B? Lost your taste for yogurt?

Blair: ... So what are we doing tonight?

Penelope: Asher's parents are in Cannes, so he and Jenny are throwing a party at his house.

Jenny: It's a really small get-together with just our closest friends. Sorry, Blair.

Nelly Yuki: Blair can take my place.

Jenny, to Nelly Yuki: Invitations are nontransferable. (to Blair) She's new to the group.

Blair: Just because your name's on the invite doesn't make you a hostess.

Jenny, answering phone: Oh? Then why is the party planner calling me? Excuse me, girls.

Aside

Jenny: Hey Dad? I'm kinda busy. What's up?

Rufus, reading her evite from her laptop: I was just wondering what time you want me to serve your favorite home-cooked meal tonight. Maybe around eight?

Jenny: Oh, um, I have that choir thing. Remember, I talked to you about it, and you said I could go 'cause I've been good?

Rufus: Oh, right. Well, maybe we could wait to eat till after you got home then. You're gonna be hungry after all that singing.

Jenny, hanging up: Yeah, well, I mean, they have food there, and it's probably gonna go pretty late. So, um... tomorrow? 'Kay, love you.

Rufus: Love you, too...

Steps

Jenny: Sorry. Floral emergency. Oh, and you will be happy to know that the entire Unity Lacrosse team RSVP'd.

Penelope: Oh my God, it's Asher.

Jenny, dragging the girls off: Let's go say hi.

Blair: How did little Jenny Humphrey become the next Brooke Astor?

Isabel: The same way they all do.

Nelly Yuki: Marry up.

Walking to school from the Palace

Serena: Hey, why the long face? Are you still sad Mom wouldn't let you go to Monte Carlo for the bachelor party?

Eric: No, I'm fine, I figured I'd let Bart, Chuck and Prince Albert have their fun... Oh, that didn't come out like I meant it. (Checking phone) Um... Gossip Girl. Looks like Jenny's been spotted at Gap sewing Stella McCartney labels into pocket tees.

Serena: These rumors are getting to be ridiculous.

Eric: Oh, like the one where I'm Gossip Girl?

Serena: Hey, it made sense at the time.

Eric: It never made any sense.

Serena: Yeah, it did!

Eric: No, it didn't.

Serena, phone ringing: Wait, hold on. It's Chuck.

Eric: I have something to do before school starts, but tell him I say hi?

Serena: Okay. Don't forget about dinner tonight.

Eric: Yeah.

Serena: Salut, Chuck. Yes, I'm still fine. I haven't heard from Georgina in two weeks. So if you'd stop calling me, I'd finally be rid of all of my monsters. Bye.

Coffeeshop

Vanessa: You can read about it all day long, but you have to walk the city to know it.

Georgina: Okay, but look, anything is better than getting lost on the train every day.

Vanessa: Subway. Click those heels all you want, you're not in Portland anymore.

Georgina: Seriously, you and Dan are so sweet to adopt me. I-I'd be a mess without you guys. Well, more of a mess than I already am.

Vanessa: Red-eye to go?

Dan, in a hurry: Yes, please. Thank you. Hey, Sarah. Sorry for talking your ear off the other night, guys.

Vanessa: He tends to ramble, as you'll get to know.

Dan: Yeah.

Georgina: Well, I'm a good listener, as he'll get to know. Are there any new developments?

Dan: Uh, no. No, more of the same. Jenny and her boyfriend are still inseparable, and she's even more insufferable.

Vanessa: Give her a break. Asher's her first love.

Dan: It's infatuation. It's not love.

Georgina: Yeah, but to a fifteen-year-old girl, I mean, there really isn't a difference.

Vanessa: And how long did it take you, Dan?

Dan: Um, that's a little different, Vanessa. It took me...

Vanessa: Uh, one glance at a ninth grade birthday party?

Dan: Yes, but two years to obsess over it.

Georgina: So things are better with...Serena?

Dan: Serena. Yeah. Yeah, good memory. Right. Things are finally back to normal.

Georgina: Good. Well, I mean... You know, it's tough making friends in a new city. It'd be really nice to meet her.

Dan: Yeah, Serena would love you. She loves everybody. Not that she would only like you Because she doesn't discriminate. Um... ahem. See what she meant about that rambling thing? How's tonight?

Georgina: Tonight would be perfect.

Dan: Good. See you.

Constance Billard

(Asher and Jenny mack, while the girls watch. Eric is in the shadows. When Asher leaves, the girls all giggle and squeal, and Eric approaches.)

Jenny: ...Oh, my God! He's so cute!

Eric: Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Jenny: Sure. Is something wrong?

Eric: That's what I was gonna ask you. Where have you been lately? You haven't returned any of my calls.

Jenny: Sorry. It's been harder than I thought to keep up with schoolwork, and the new spring social calendar, and my new boyfriend...

Eric: Yeah. Asher, right?

Jenny: Yeah. He's cute and smart and basically perfect, and the best part is I think he really likes me.

Eric: Well, then he has good taste. But... how well do you actually know him?

Jenny: Oh, that's so sweet. You're being protective.

Eric: No, I'm not. But... yes. Yes, I am. I've got nothing against him. I just... Something about him makes me feel maybe he's not the right guy for you.

Jenny: Oh my God. Wait. Do you have a crush on me or something?

Eric: No, I don't. I just want ...

Jenny, running off: Don't be embarrassed. It's cute. I mean, and not so unexpected, actually. I'm flattered. It's just... My heart belongs to Asher. I actually gotta go, but, um, text me, 'kay?

Eric: Oh. Bye.

Constance Billard

Serena, kissing Dan: What? You're here! Mmm, and you're late.

Dan: I know. I come bearing apologies and an invitation. What are you up to tonight?

Serena: I know what I'm not up to. Having fun. The SAT tutor was over for four hours last night.

Dan: Mm. So this tutor, is he... Is he cute?

Serena: Mm, well, if hair in the ear is your thing... I hate that since I'm not gonna use the score Chuck bought for me, I have to study every night. I can't even be distracted by ... that... Mmm. That.

Dan, kissing her: I see your point. So then how about, um, dinner tonight with Sarah instead?

Serena: Oh, Sarah again. What is she, your new girlfriend or something?

Dan: Yeah. Just kidding. But she's new in town, and she does want to meet you.

Serena: Well, since Bart and Chuck are out of town, I already agreed to a quiet family dinner in our old suite. I'm sorry. What about tomorrow?

Dan, distracted by Jenny and Asher making out in the courtyard: ...No, my... My sister and tongue. The two things that don't go together so well.

Serena: Oh! Lighten up. You have been down on him since the beginning. Give him a chance and then judge. Maybe he'll surprise you, like I did.

Dan: How are you always so right?

Serena: It's easy when you're always wrong. Hey, you got first period free. Why don't you go get to know him? Go!

Dan: Okay. Okay. All right, okay.

(Stalker Georgina watches from across the street as Dan leaves Constance, texting her that Serena can't do dinner. They both spot Asher making out with a St. Jude's boy. Dan hides once Asher kisses him and heads toward his own school, and the other boy vanishes, but Georgina saw them both.)

Gossip Girl: "And the only thing more shocking than the truth ... are the lies people tell to cover it up."

Outside the Palace, heading toward the towncar

Lily, to Claudette: When you revise the seating chart, don't forget to place Mr. Spitzer as far away from Serena's table as possible. Thank you. Ugh. What is not on the schedule today?

Rufus: I don't think I am. Maybe you could fit me in between Preston Bailey and Sylvia Weinstock?

Lily: Well, good luck fitting anything between those two. What... What are you doing here?

Rufus: Well, believe it or not, I'm here to see you.

Lily: Well, I have a laundry list of things to do today...

Rufus: -- It's about Jenny. Alison's away on an artists' retreat, and I could really use a mother's advice. I think I might be in over my head.

Lily: I suppose we could talk about it on the way.

Unity Courtyard

(Asher's messing around with his lacrosse buddies as Dan approaches.)

Dan: Hey, Asher. How's it going? You got a minute?

Asher: Yeah. Uh, but just a minute. Jenny and I have a lunch date.

Dan: Well, look, there's no easy way to say this, honestly, so I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna say it. I-I, uh, saw you this morning.

Asher: Saw me what?

Dan: I saw you... you know, I saw you kissing that guy.

Asher: You got the wrong person.

Dan: Come on, man. I-I-I don't think I do.

Asher: Are you calling me q*eer?

Dan: That's... not at all what I said.

Asher, getting in his face: You wanna know how q*eer I am? I'm so q*eer, I'm gonna pop your sister's cherry tonight.

Dan, attacking: Hey! What'd you say?!

Jenny, appearing: What are you doing? Stop it!

Dan: Jenny, I need to talk to you in private.

Jenny: Well, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of my boyfriend.

Dan: Okay. All right, fine. Your boyfriend is not being honest with you.

Asher: I wasn't gonna tell you yet, but I... Wanted to invite you to the country house this weekend. Your brother thought we were moving too fast and got upset.

Jenny: Dan, can't you just let me be happy for once?

Dan: Jenny, I want you to be happy. Just not with a guy who--

Jenny: Yeah, I understand that you're threatened by him, because clearly he's everything you wanna be. He's good-looking and worldly, a legacy at Dartmouth. But even you should know that jealousy clashes with LL Bean pants.

Lunch on the steps

Serena: It's a snub from one party, B. Plus what's the big deal anyway? You don't even like Asher.

Blair: I didn't like last season's Louis Vuitton patchwork bag either, but that doesn't mean I want to see it all over town on Jenny Humphrey's arm.

Serena: Touché.

Blair: What do you say we have a girls' night out tonight?

Serena: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't. I have dinner with the family.

Blair: Let me remind you of a little promise you made. "Don't go to France. I'll be there for you."

Serena: I'm really sorry I've been distant, but things will be better soon, I promise.

Blair: Obviously starting tomorrow...

(Dan comes running over and kisses her, looking distraught.)

Dan: Hey.

Serena: Hey. What's wrong? You look stressed, even for you.

Dan: I'm still worried about Jenny.

Blair: You mean because she's self-obsessed, self-serving, self-centered, self...

Dan: No. No, I wish it was about her and her ... self ... But it's more about who she's with. I can't get through to her. I tried, and she just completely blew me off. And she dissed my pants.

Blair: Maybe I underestimated her.

Serena: She's just going through a phase. We all went through it. (To Blair) ...And apparently, some of us still are in it...

Blair: All that matters to someone like Jenny right now are the four Gs: Guys, Girlfriends and Gossip Girl.

Serena: It's true. Don't feel bad. Unless it's coming from one of them, she's not gonna hear it.

(Dan has a horrible plan.)

Jewelry store

Man, offering white wine: Here we go.

Rufus: Ah, thank you. I tell her she can't see Asher, she calls him. I take away her phone, they're on iChat. How do you keep them from growing up when they can have a full relationship from the confines of their own bedrooms?

Lily: Well, the answer is you can't. She's gonna grow up no matter what.

Rufus: I read her e-mail.

Lily: Well, you can't be too concerned about their privacy when their well-being is at stake, especially if you think they're lying to you. Was she?

Rufus: Right to my face. I know Serena went through a similar phase...

Lily: Well, if Serena's indiscretions were as PG as Jenny's, I wouldn't have needed the Botox.

Rufus: Dan was so much easier.

Lily: Well, raising girls is different. Serena would be a horrible monster for a hundred days, and then on the hundred and first, she'd be my little girl again.

Rufus: So I just wait and hope, huh?

Lily: Well, that's the hardest part. You have to trust that you've done your job. She'll come back to you. (Distracting herself with a diamond bracelet) That's...

Rufus: It's perfect.

Lily: Beautiful.

Man: It's my finest piece.

Rufus, putting it on her: Here. Let me.

Lily: Mark Ingram, it's beautiful. You've outdone yourself. Oh, wow.

Constance Billard

The girls make their way down the hall, reading Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl: "This just in: Asher Hornsby spotted locking lips before class... But not with his girlfriend. Looks like gentlemen don't prefer blondes, Little J. They prefer other gentlemen."

Hazel, laughing: Now you know how Vanessa Hudgens feels.

Gossip Girl: "Is this just another round of blanks fired between B and Little J? I'm tired of being the bearer of bad grudges. This is the last item that goes to press without proof."

Isabel: I'm so glad Gossip Girl finally got her ba*ls back.

Penelope: Yeah, she was totally turning into the new Page Six.

(Blair runs into them coming the other way.)

Jenny: Low blow.

Blair: Wasn't me. Wish it was!

Constance Courtyard

Serena, answering phone: Hello?

Luke: Miss van der Woodsen? It's Luke from the concierge's desk. You asked that we call first before delivering anything upstairs?

Serena: Is there something for me?

Luke: Yes, a package from a Miss Georgina Sparks... Hello? Did I lose you?

Serena: Uh, no. Uh, just keep it there. I'll pick it up right after school. And don't let it out of your sight.

Luke: Of course.

Serena: Thank you.

Dan, appearing: What was that about?

Serena, distracted: Nothing. It's just this... Nothing. I'll see you later, okay? Bye.

Dan: Bye. Hey...

Serena, leaving: Hey, B.

(Serena leaves and Blair confronts Dan.)

Blair: Dan Humphrey. Just who I hate to admit I was looking for. You're dirty!

Dan: Wha... Uh, what are you talking about?

Blair: Cheating, drinking, drugs, It's all fair game. But outing your sister's boyfriend is dark. How did squeaky-clean Humphrey even come up with that?

Dan: I didn't come up with anything.

Blair: Oh my God, you know something. Spill it.

Dan: Yeah, I might have seen Asher kissing another guy.

Blair: So it's true? Who was he kissing?

Dan: I don't know. I don't... I don't know. I couldn't see. But what does that even matter?

Blair: Right now Gossip Girl's credibility is the same as Tinsley Mortimer's after a few martinis. But if I can prove that his duplicity is more than just a rumor, then they'll break up. That's what you want, isn't it?

Dan: Well yeah, I guess. Yeah...

Blair: Asher's just using your sister as a cover. It's your brotherly duty to save her from becoming the next Katie Holmes.

Dan: And you're in this to help Jenny?

Blair: Motive is irrelevant as long as our endgame is the same.

Dan: No, Blair, this is not a game to me, okay? I don't want her to get hurt.

Blair: Well, you should've thought that through before you told all of Manhattan that Jenny's a glorified hag.

Dan, leaving in a huff: You know what? I... You're on your own. I'm done.

Blair: Suit yourself.

Bridal shop

(Lily tries on dresses behind the curtain.)

Lily: Really, Rufus. What were you thinking? You threw her a surprise birthday party and had her face painted on a cake? With a tiara?

Rufus: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Lily: Yeah, well, so did flannel and acid-washed jeans, but they weren't flattering either.

(The curtains open on Lily, looking ravishing; Rufus stares.)

Lily: What is it? Is it too much?

(He's still gaping.)

Lily: Uh, is it not enough?

Rufus: It's not the dress. It's you in it.

Lily: I'm sorry. I thought... I didn't mean... We're here as friends, right?

Rufus: No, we are friends. It's just how you look.

Constance hallway

Penelope: Nothing new on Gossip Girl for three hours. Guess she wasn't kidding about her new standards.

Serena, twirling Jenny around: Hey, Jenny! Sorry I can't chat, but have so much fun at your party tonight!

Penelope: She's totally running to a booty call with your brother.

Jenny: I cannot believe you just went there.

Hazel: And where have you gone, Little J?

Penelope: Yeah, you and Asher...

Jenny: Far enough.

Hazel: Playing coy only means one thing.

Isabel: Maybe Asher doesn't like girls.

Jenny: Is that why we went to third?

Elise: You went to third?

Jenny: No, he did.

Hazel: Well done. Make him work for it.

Waldorf apartment

(Blair, Nelly Yuki and Iz toss their purchases onto Blair's bed.)

Blair: Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. Lucky for me, I may have to go out tonight after all. Did you get it?

Nelly Yuki: Lucky for you, Iz knows five ways to sneak into the Unity boys' locker room, and six to sneak out.

Isabel, handing over Asher's phone: Asher takes an abnormally long shower after practice.

Nelly Yuki: Maybe his lacrosse stick isn't the only thing he likes to play with!

Isabel: Why'd you want his phone so badly anyway?

Blair: It was once said that a person's eyes are the windows to their soul. That was before people had cell phones.

(Blair downloads all of Asher's emails onto her laptop.)

Hornsby Residence

Jenny, coming up the stairs: Hey...

Asher, working on his laptop: This is a surprise. Party's not for a couple hours.

Jenny, climbing onto him: Yeah, well, a lot can happen in a couple hours.

Asher, laughing nervously: Uh, Jenny. What are you doing?

Jenny: What's wrong?

Asher: It... Nothing's wrong. This... It just isn't what we do. Are you suddenly ... not happy? I... I'm holding up my end of the bargain.

Jenny: What bargain?

Asher: You're Jenny Humphrey, from Brooklyn. You need status, access, resources. I give that to you.

Jenny: What do I give you?

Asher: Do we really need to talk about this?

Jenny: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we do. So what was on Gossip Girl's true?

Asher: Do you really think someone like me would just date someone like you?

Jenny: But you've been so nice.

Asher: And I'll keep being nice. Nothing has to change, okay?

Jenny: Asher...

Asher: Come on, Jenny. Tonight you're hosting your first Upper East Side party. That's something that Blair and those girls can never take away from you.

Jenny: I know. Thank you.

Asher: You're welcome. And... There is something you can do to show your thanks. I think it would be better for both of us if we put those rumors to rest once and for all.

Jenny: What do you want me to do?

Palace

(Serena opens the package: a USB drive on an ivory ribbon, with a note from G: "memories fade, video is forever!")

Georgina: "If you put the camera here, she'll never know..."

Man: "Are you sure she's gonna be down for this?"

Georgina: "It's Serena. She goes down for anything."

(Serena enters.)

Georgina: "Hey, baby! So how's the new Mr. And Mrs. Shepherd?"

Serena: "I just did something so stupid..."

(Fast-forward.)

Serena: "It's hot. I'm too hot."

Man: "You are too hot."

(Serena or Georgina -- or both -- moaning; the man joins in. Serena slaps her laptop closed and hides the USB drive, then runs to the living room ... Where Lily was just heading up to find her, quite angry.)

Lily: Where do you think you're going?

Serena: I can't talk right now, Mom. I'll explain later.

Lily: If you invite an old friend to our quiet family dinner, I expect you to stay and eat. (G appears) You know how I always loved when Georgina came around.

Georgina, kissing her cheek: I ran into Lily in the lobby. You totally forgot to tell her I was coming over for dinner! Did you get my present?

DUMBO

(Jenny tries on clothes and reads about herself on GG.)

Gossip Girl: "Breaking news! Asher Hornsby overheard bragging that Little J swiped her V card at his register."

Dan, running in with his phone: Jenny, is this true?

Jenny: It's private.

Dan: It's on the internet.

Jenny: Yeah, well, it's none of your business. And since when did you start reading Gossip Girl blasts anyway?

Dan: Since you became the subject of them. You're fifteen years old, and I'm your big brother. It is my business.

Jenny: Well, it's not true. You happy?

Dan: Oh. W...

Jenny: You can't tell anyone, though. Everyone has to believe it.

Dan: Wha... Are you saying that you actually want your friends to think that you're sleeping with a guy who's g*y?

Jenny: Do you believe everything you read?

Dan: I didn't read it. I saw it.

Jenny: So you were the one who sent the tip?

Dan: Yeah, I'm... Look, I'm sorry, but I tried to tell you. You wouldn't listen to me. I needed to get your attention somehow.

Jenny: Well, I knew about him the whole time.

Dan: So... So you let him use you?

Jenny: Well, maybe I was using him. Did you ever think of that?

Dan: I don't know which is worse.

Jenny: For once in your life, could you just stop judging everyone?

Dan: No, I'm not. I'm...

Jenny: You think that you're so different and so good? Well guess what, Dan? The minute that you start sending tips to Gossip Girl, you're in the game with the rest of us. Get out of my room.

Palace

Serena, answering phone: Hey... B, now's not a good time.

Blair, reading about Eric in Asher's emails: It's important.

Serena, ringing off: Look, I know I told you I'd be more available, but I just can't right now.

Blair: But it can't wait!

Serena, returning to dinner: Sorry. It was just Blair.

Georgina: Oh. How is Snow White?

Eric: Uh, Snow Not-So-White. Did you hear that she and...

Serena: --Eric.

Lily: So Georgina, what brings you back to New York?

Georgina: Oh, I just had some time to k*ll.

Serena: She went to boarding school in Switzerland.

Lily: Oh, your parents must be happy you're back.

Georgina: Oh, no. Actually, they've moved to the country full-time. I'm just in the city to catch up with some old friends. What about you? You and that gorgeous Tiffany rock seem to be the talk of the city.

Lily: Thank you. Mr. Bass and I are very, um, happy.

Georgina: You look it. You all do. I mean, there must be love in the New York air. You're engaged, Serena's found a new guy, Eric found himself a boyfriend...

Eric: Excuse me?

Georgina: Oh, I...

Lily: I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you right.

Georgina: What? You haven't met Serena's new guy?

Lily: A... boyfriend?

Georgina: Oh. You mean Eric. You didn't know he was dating someone? I... didn't think it was a secret, I mean, I saw them kissing in front of St. Jude's this morning for all the world to see...

(Eric is sad.)

Georgina: Well, don't look so embarrassed, E, he is a hot piece! Well done.

Serena: Please, Georgina. It's not funny, okay?

Georgina: You... You didn't know Eric was dating a boy.

Lily: This doesn't make any sense, because that would mean ... that Eric is... And he's not. He's just not.

(Eric looks down.)

Lily: Are you?

(Eric tries to speak.)

Lily: Oh God.

(Eric runs off to his bedroom to call Chuck.)

Serena: Eric. Great, Mom. That's just great. (To Georgina) How dare you?

DUMBO

Jenny, heading out the door: Dan went out with Vanessa, and I'm going to choir practice like we talked about. Don't wait up.

Rufus: Not so fast. Where were you gonna change your clothes?

Jenny: We don't wear a uniform for rehearsal.

Rufus: Well, unless the choir is entertainment at Asher's party, you have some explaining to do.

Jenny: How'd you know about the party?

Rufus, pulling a dress from her bag: I know a lot more than you think I do. Nice dress.

Jenny: I wanted one night out, okay? What was I supposed to do?

Rufus: Ask my permission?

Jenny: Well, you would've said no.

Rufus: You're probably right, but that's no excuse to lie to me.

Jenny: Dad, you don't understand. I'm throwing this party!

Rufus: Not anymore you're not. You need to call Asher and tell him you're not coming.

Jenny: I can't. All my friends...

Rufus: You heard me.

Jenny: I promised!

Rufus: All that good behavior from the past few weeks just got wiped out from that lie.

Jenny: You can't stop me, all right?

Rufus: Jenny, if you walk out that door...

Jenny: You'll what?! What, Dad? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna put bars on my window? Or chain me to the kitchen counter? I'm not your... I'm not a little girl anymore. You can't make me do anything.

Rufus: You've already lost my trust. You really wanna lose my respect, too?

Jenny, leaving: I'm sorry.

Eric's Room

Eric, on the phone: Yeah. Okay.

Serena, knocking: Hey, it's me.

Eric: Bye.

Serena: Who are you talking to?

Eric: Chuck.

Serena: What, you called Chuck?

Eric: Yeah. I've been talking to him a lot lately. Guy's got his faults, but he's never judged me.

Serena: I'm your sister. We're us. You can tell me anything.

Eric: I wanted to, but it... It's not the type of thing you blurt out on the way to school. I was waiting for the right time.

Serena: Dinner with Georgina definitely wasn't, at all. I'm sorry about her... About me. I came back for you, And then I abandoned you all over again.

Eric: This isn't like before. I'm fine, really.

Serena: Well, I'm here now.

Eric: When I was at Ostroff, I met this guy. We were going through a lot of the same stuff. And now that guy is dating Jenny.

Serena: Wait, you're the mystery guy that Asher was spotted kissing? I know this isn't how you wanted this to happen.

Eric, awesomely: Yeah, I guess the important thing is that it's happening.

Serena, embracing him: ...I'm so proud of you. I love you, no matter what you do, who you like, whose boyfriend kisses you. The people who care about you will always stand by your side, okay?

Eric: Yeah. I think I'm gonna drop by Asher's party. There's one more person I have to talk to.

Hornsby Residence

Elise: Oh my God, Blair crashed Jenny's party.

Isabel: You look...

Blair: I know.

Hazel: Jenny's gonna freak.

Blair: Watch and learn, ladies. The most important parties to attend are the ones you're not invited to. Where's the host? I have something for him.

Coffeeshop

Serena, kissing Dan: Oh, thank God you're here. I'm so happy to see you.

Dan: Hey. I'm happy to see you, too. You can meet Sarah.

Serena: Oh, I'd love to, but now is really not a good time.

Dan: Well, she's here, so, uh... Sarah, Serena. Serena, Sarah.

Georgina: Hi. I'm Sarah. It is so nice to finally meet you. (Offering her hand; Serena finally shakes it) Wow. I mean... Dan told me you were pretty, but he didn't do you justice.

Serena: Dan, can we talk in private, please?

Georgina: Hey, no, no, no. Wait. Don't go. Vanessa was just about to show me one of her movies. I'm a filmmaker, too, of sorts. Actually, i brought one of my short films. I was hoping to get your opinion. Maybe you wanna see it, too, and tell me what you think?

Vanessa: I'll go get my laptop.

Serena: Dan, would you get me a coffee? (Sharply) Please?

Dan: ...Yeah.

Serena, alone with G: What the hell are you doing, Georgina? Put that away.

Georgina: Aw, come on. I'm just having a little fun. Remember? Like old times. You and me pretending to be different people... Svetlana and Savannah...

Serena: This is not a game. I don't know how you even filmed that, but I'm not playing with you this time.

Georgina: It's just a friendly game.

Serena: But we're not friends.

Georgina, stroking her hair: Oh, I think we are. You see, because with me as your enemy, Dan sees this. And if the heavy petting doesn't send him running, well, I'll bet what happened after will.

Dan, returning with V: Hey. What'd we miss?

Serena: Nothing. It's like Sarah and I have known each other for years.

Dan: Oh. Great.

Serena: We don't need the laptop anymore. Thanks.

Georgina, to V's questioning look: No, I got a little shy about showing it. Maybe next time?

Vanessa: Okay...

Hornsby Residence

Penelope: So was it as special as you hoped it would be?

Hazel: Cause yours totally wasn't.

Penelope: And yours was?

Jenny: I mean, yeah. Asher made me feel really safe.

Hazel: You are so lucky.

Jenny: I know.

Elise, appearing: You guys, Blair is here.

Jenny: What is she doing here? She wasn't invited.

Blair, tapping Asher on the shoulder with his phone: We need to talk.

Asher: Give us a moment, guys.

Blair: I thought you might want this back.

Asher: Whatever you found, it's not what it looks like.

Blair: It's always "what it looks like." And judging by the texts and photos, it "looks like" a little more than friendship.

Asher: What are you going to do with them?

Blair: Well, lucky for you, your friend is someone I actually care about, or I would've used them against you and Jenny already. Too bad you don't care about him the same way.

Eric, arriving: It's okay, Blair. I can handle this.

Asher: What's he doing here?

Jenny, appearing: What is she doing here?

Eric: Are you gonna tell her, or am I?

Asher: There's nothing to tell.

Eric: Gossip Girl was right. Asher was kissing someone this morning. Me.

Asher: He's totally lying. Tell him, Jenny. I was with you all morning.

Jenny: Yeah. Asher's right. I was with him. Eric's lying.

Eric: Why would I stand here in front of everyone we know, and tell them if it wasn't true? I'm g*y. And so are you.

Asher: Get this f*gg*t out of here!

Eric, sad and disgusted, leaves: Go ahead and do it.

(Blair sends all of their correspondence to Gossip Girl.)

Asher: What did you just do?

Blair, handing back his phone: You'll see...

(Lily drinks tea on her couch, on the phone with Rufus.)

Lily: What kind of mother does not know that her son is g*y?

Rufus: The people you know best are the ones most capable of surprising you.

Lily: The things that I said, the way I acted... It was not my finest maternal moment. What if he does something again?

Rufus: I know how much you love him. So does he. You just need to remind him of that.

Lily: But what if it's not enough?

Rufus: Most of the time, it's all we've got.

Lily: And what about you? What are you gonna do?

Rufus: I'm gonna wait for my daughter to come to me... And then I'm gonna ground her until she's twenty-five.

Lily: Ah, we make quite the team, huh?

Rufus: Always did. ...Good luck, Lil. With everything. I'm sure you'll make a beautiful bride.

Lily: Mm, thank you. Good night, Rufus.

Gossip Girl: "Weekend update: A same-sex kiss hasn't caused this much controversy since Britney and Madonna. Looks like Little J didn't spread her legs after all. She spread lies instead. Asher is g*y, and I have the correspondence to prove it."

Hornsby Residence

Blair: Looks like someone needs a semester in France.

Penelope: Get your things, girls. We're leaving.

Jenny: Guys, we can still have fun. Don't leave.

Hazel: It's kind of hard to party after the g*y b*mb drops.

Penelope: I'm gonna do something out of character, and give you the benefit of the doubt. Tell us Gossip Girl is wrong.

Hazel: Did you or did you not sleep with Asher?

Jenny: I... may have exaggerated a little bit.

Penelope: Dating a g*y guy is an honest mistake, but lying to your girlfriends about sex is unforgivable.

Isabel: To think, I almost asked you to wear a matching dress tonight.

Nelly Yuki: You're branded now with the L word.

Elise: "Liar."

Penelope: So what are we doing tonight?

Blair: "We" are doing nothing. I, however, am going home.

Penelope: But, um...

Blair: Tomorrow, dinner at the Waverly and then to 151 for drinks?

Penelope: Yeah.

Blair: I'll have Dorota Blackberry everyone an itinerary.

Gossip Girl: "Don't look so sad, Little J. The sun'll come out tomorrow. Even though your boyfriend did today."

Palace

Lily, calling out to Eric: Hey, um, I made... Uh, some tea. Um, it's probably iced now, but, um... Look. My reaction earlier...

Eric: It's okay, Mom.

Lily: No, it's not okay. You just caught me off guard. I guess I ... I just wasn't ready.

Eric: Well, I wasn't ready either, so... It's okay if you need time.

Lily: Well... Since you're being so honest, I'm gonna, um, try as well, okay? I'm scared. And life is tough enough as it is, you know? I want... I want the best for you. And, um... I'm worried for your safety. And your happiness.

Eric: I have a better chance of being happy if I'm honest.

Lily: I know that, and I want you to know what love is. Whoever you're with. Bbecause it's pretty great.

Eric: You would know, right? Fourth time's the charm.

Gossip Girl: "Ah, yes, The truth always comes out. It's one of the fundamental rules of time. And when it comes out, it can set you free... Or end everything you fought so hard for."

Waldorf House

Blair, reading Gossip Girl as Jenny enters: My, my. If it isn't Little J, risen from the ashes.

Jenny: I came to tell you in person. You win.

Blair: Oh sweetie, we just started to play!

Jenny: No, you don't understand. I'm done. With you, with them, with all of it.

Blair: Just like that, you wave the white flag?

Jenny: I lied, and I stole, and I lost the respect of my family... for what? So I can be like you? You asked me before if it was all worth it. My answer is, it's not.

Blair: I tried to warn you... There's a price to pay. I always knew a girl like you couldn't afford it.

Jenny: Well, you were right.

Blair: Well, you put up a good fight... For a freshman.

Jenny: Thanks.

Blair: I hope you don't expect a hug.

Jenny: I don't expect anything anymore.

(She leaves, totally defeated; Blair is sad for her.)

Outside coffeeshop

Dan: So she's great, right? What do you think?

Serena: Honestly, there's something I don't really like about her.

Dan: Okay, but you had your doubts about Vanessa in the beginning, and now you guys are friends...

Serena: This is different.

Dan: I don't understand why you... You're...

Serena: Why I'm what?

Dan: Jealous. There's no reason to be. She, she actually wanted us to patch things up.

Serena: What, you told her about our problems?

Dan: Yes, because she wanted to listen to them, and she had good advice, too.

Serena: Look at me. I love you, okay? You just have to take my word for it. Do not trust her.

Dan: But you just met her. I... You know, you've been hanging out with Chuck, and you've been partying, and avoiding me, and lying, and you're trying to tell me who I can and cannot trust? I-I don't understand that at all. You know, we... We all live in Brooklyn, so... I don't know. If you need to catch a cab, I think you should do that here.

Serena: Dan, don't. I want to talk.

Dan: Then talk!

Vanessa: I'm gonna get going...

Dan: Hey, just hold on. One... One second.

Georgina: I forgot something inside. I'll catch up with you guys? (Dan and V walk away, Georgina runs up to Serena) Well, I had fun. How about you?

Serena: What do you want from me?

Georgina: I want things to go back to how they were before that night, before things got so screwed up. We were such good friends, and now we can be again.

Serena: Why would I want to be friends with somebody who blackmails me? Who outs my little brother at the dinner table?

Georgina: Eric was an honest mistake. I would never hurt him.

Serena: No, I don't believe you. I don't believe you about Eric, about anything.

Georgina: Maybe you're right. Maybe I did it on purpose. Because I can, because I know things about you, about your family, about your boyfriend, and I know them before you do. Oh look, cab. (Scary) You get home safe. (Catches up with V and Lonelyboy) Hold up, guys! I'm coming.

DUMBO

Gossip Girl: "Another way the truth comes out: When you don't even mean it to..."

Rufus, reading Dan's Scrabble words: "Angry, Change, Trust, Girl." Somethin' you wanna talk about?

Dan: Who would have thought Scrabble could be so therapeutic? That last one was a triple word score...

Gossip Girl, as Jenny enters: "Or when, without saying a word, it's still loud and clear."

Jenny: Dad? Do you think it'd be okay if I joined you?

Rufus: You know there's always room for you here.

Dan: Yeah, and Dad's totally losing, so he could use your help.

Jenny, curling up in his arms: Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything.

Waldorf House

Gossip Girl, as Serena enters looking rough: "But the worst thing the truth can do is, when you finally tell it, it doesn't set you free, but locks you away forever."

Serena: ...Blair?

Blair: Serena, what are you doing here? It's late. Oh my God, what happened? What's wrong? Talk to me.

Serena: I can't.

Blair: Of course you can.

Serena: No. No, B, this is the one thing I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone.

Blair: I'm not "anyone," I'm me. You can tell me anything.

Serena: No, I can't. Because then that'd make you a part of it, and you can't be a part of this.

Blair: What are you talking about? You're starting to scare me. Hey, hey, hey. We're sisters. You're my family. What is you, is me. There's nothing that you could ever say to make me let go. I love you. What is it?

Serena: I k*lled someone

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll ever tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

Spotted, Jenny Humphrey wading
in the Met fountain, fishing for change.

Blair Waldorf
seen dallying with an off-duty doorman...

...at the Blarney Stone
on a Monday night.

It looks like the battle
between the Queen B and Little J...

...has moved from the streets
to the blogs.

Who's sending this debasing dish?

I have a feeling.

A nice, shiny dime
to add to your collection.

Why the fruit cup, B?
Lost your taste for yogurt?

[LAUGHING]

So, what are we doing tonight?

Asher's parents are in Cannes so he and
Jenny are throwing a party at his house.

It's a really small get-together
with just our closest friends.

-Sorry.
-Blair can take my place.

Invitations are nontransferable.
She's new to the group.

Just because your name is on the invite
doesn't make you a hostess.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh. Then why is the party planner
calling me? Excuse me, girls.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Dad, I'm kind of busy. What's up?

I was just wondering
what time you want me to serve...

...your favorite meal tonight,
maybe around 8?

Oh, um, I have that choir thing.

I talked to you about it
and you said I could go.

Oh, right, well, maybe we could wait
to eat till after you got home, then.

-You're gonna be hungry after singing.
-They have food there.

And it's probably gonna go pretty late.
So tomorrow? Okay, love you.

Love you too.

Sorry, floral emergency.

Oh, and you will be happy to know that
the entire Unity Lacrosse Team RSVP'd.

HAZEL: Oh, my God, it's Asher.
PENELOPE: Let's go say hi.

How did little Jenny Humphrey
become the next Brooke Astor?

-The same way they all do.
-Marry up.

SERENA:
Hey, why the long face?

Are you still sad Mom wouldn't let you go
to Monte Carlo for the bachelor party?

No, I'm fine. I figured I'd let Bart, Chuck
and Prince Albert have their fun.

Oh, that didn't come out like I meant it.

[SERENA LAUGHS]

[PHONE CHIMES]

Gossip Girl.

Jenny's been spotted at GAP sewing
Stella McCartney labels into pocket tees.

-These are getting ridiculous.
-Like the one where I'm Gossip Girl.

Hey, it made sense at the time.

-You have to admit. It did.
-It never made sense.

[PHONE CHIMING]

Yeah, it did. Wait, hold on, it's Chuck.

I have something to do,
but tell him I say hi.

-Okay, don't forget about dinner tonight.
-Yeah.

Salut, Chuck. Yes, I'm still fine.

I haven't heard from Georgina
in two weeks.

So if you'd stop calling me,
I'd finally be rid of all of my monsters.

Bye.

You can read about it all day long,
but you have to walk the city to know it.

Okay, but anything is better
than getting lost on the train every day.

Subway. Click those heels all you want.
You're not in Portland anymore.

Seriously, you and Dan are so sweet
to adopt me.

I'd be a mess without you guys.
Well, more of a mess than I already am.

-Red eye to go?
-Yes, please, thank you.

Hey, Sarah. Sorry for talking
your ear off the other night.

-He rambles, as you'll get to know.
-Yeah.

Well, I'm a good listener,
as he'll get to know.

-Are there any new developments?
-No. No more of the same.

Jenny and her boyfriend are still inseparable,
she's even more insufferable.

Give her a break. Asher's her first love.

It's infatuation, it's not love.

Yeah, but to a 15-year-old girl,
I mean, there really isn't a difference.

And how long did it take you, Dan?

That's a little different, Vanessa.
It took me....

-One look at a ninth-grade birthday party?
-Yes, but two years to obsess over it.

So things are better with Serena?

Serena. Yeah, yeah. Good memory.
Things are finally back to normal.

Good.

Well, I mean, you know,
it's tough making friends in a new city.

It'd be really nice to meet her.

Yeah, Serena would love you.
She loves everybody.

Not that she would only like you
because she doesn't discriminate.

See what she meant
about that rambling thing?

-How's tonight?
-Tonight would be perfect.

Good. See you.

WOMAN 1: Are you serious?
WOMAN 2: Yeah, totally.

He's so cute.

-Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?
-Sure. Is something wrong?

That's what I was gonna ask you.
Where have you been?

-You haven't returned any of my calls.
-Sorry.

Been hard to keep up with schoolwork...

...and the new spring social calendar
and my boyfriend.

Yeah. Asher, right?

Yeah, he's cute and smart
and basically perfect.

And the best part is, he really likes me.

Well, then he has good taste.
But how well do you actually know him?

That's sweet. You're being protective.

No, I'm not. Yes. Yes, I am.

I mean nothing against him.

Something about him makes me feel
he's not the right guy.

Oh, my God, wait.
Do you have a crush on me or something?

-No, I don't. I just want you--
-Don't be embarrassed. It's cute.

I mean, and not so unexpected, actually.
I'm flattered, it's just....

My heart belongs to Asher.

I actually gotta go, but text me, okay?

What, you're here. And you're late.

I know. I come bearing apologies
and an invitation.

-What are you up to tonight?
-I know what I'm not up to, having fun.

The SAT tutor was over
for four hours last night.

So this tutor, is he cute?

If hair in the ears is your thing.

I hate that since I'm not gonna use
the score Chuck bought for me...

...I have to study every night.

I can't even be distracted by that.

That.

I see your point. So then how about
dinner tonight with Sarah instead?

Sarah again?
Is she your new girlfriend or something?

Yeah. Just kidding. But she's new in town
and she wants to meet you.

Since Bart and Chuck are out of town...

...I already agreed to a quiet family dinner
in our old suite. I'm sorry.

-What about tomorrow?
-No, my sister and tongue.

The two things
that don't go together so well.

Lighten up. You've been down on him
since the beginning.

Give him a chance and then judge.
Maybe he'll surprise you, like I did.

-How are you always so right?
-It's easy when you're always wrong.

Hey, you have first period free.
Go get to know him.

-Go.
-Okay, all right, okay.

[PHONE CHIMES]

GOSSIP GIRL: Sometimes, in an effort
to spread the most outrageous rumors...

...we look over the very thing
that's even more scandalous.

The truth.

And the only thing more shocking
than the truth...

...are the lies people tell
to cover it up.

When you revise the seating chart,
don't forget to place Mr. Spitzer...

...as far away from Serena's table as possible.

Thank you.

-What is not on the schedule today?
RUFUS: I don't think I am.

Maybe you can fit me in between
Preston Bailey and Sylvia Weinstock?

Good luck fitting anything
between those two.

-What are you doing here?
-Well, I'm here to see you.

Well, I have a laundry list
of things to do today.

It's about Jenny.
Alison's away on an artists' retreat...

...and I could really use a mother's advice.
I think I might be in over my head.

I suppose we could talk about it
on the way.

RUFUS:
Thank you.

MAN: Hey.
-What's going on?

Asher, how's it going? Got a minute?

Yeah, but just a minute.
Jenny and I have a lunch date.

Well, look, there's no easy way
to say this, honestly, so I'm just gonna....

I'm just gonna say it.
I saw you this morning.

-Saw me what?
-I saw you....

-You know, I saw you kissing that guy.
-You got the wrong person.

Come on, man, I don't think I do.

Are you calling me q*eer?

-That's not at all what I said.
-You wanna know how q*eer I am?

I'm so q*eer I'm gonna pop
your sister's cherry tonight.

Hey, what'd you say?

-What are you doing? Stop.
-I need to talk to you.

Anything you have to say,
say in front of my boyfriend.

Okay, fine. Your boyfriend
is not being honest with you.

I wasn't gonna tell you yet.

But I wanted to invite you
to the country house this weekend.

Your brother thought
we were moving fast and got upset.

-Can't you let me be happy for once?
-I want you to be happy. Just not--

I understand you're threatened by him
because he's everything you wanna be.

He's good-looking and worldly,
a legacy at Dartmouth.

But even you should know that jealousy
clashes with L.L.Bean pants.

SERENA:
It's a snub from one party, B.

What's the big deal?
You don't even like Asher.

I didn't like last season's
Louis Vuitton patchwork bag...

...but that doesn't mean I wanna see it
on Jenny Humphrey's arm.

Touché.

Girls' night out tonight?

I can't, I have dinner with the family.

Let me remind you
of a little promise you made.

"Don't go to France.
I'll be there for you."

I'm sorry I've been distant,
but things will be better soon.

Obviously starting tomorrow.

-Hey.
-Hey.

What's wrong?
You look stressed, even for you.

I'm still worried about Jenny.

Because she's self-obsessed,
self-serving, self-centered, self--

No, I wish it was about her and herself,
but it's more about who she's with.

I can't get through to her. I tried.

And she just completely blew me off
and she dissed my pants.

Maybe I underestimated her.

She's going through a phase.
We all went through it.

And apparently, some of us still are in it.

All that matters to someone like Jenny
now are the four G's:

-Guys, girlfriends and Gossip Girl.
-It's true. Don't feel bad.

Unless it's coming from one of them,
she's not gonna hear it.

MAN: Here we go.
RUFUS: Thank you.

I tell her she can't see Asher.
She calls him.

I take away her phone,
they're on iChat.

How do you keep them
from growing up...

...when they can have a relationship
from their own bedrooms?

Well, the answer is you can't.
She's gonna grow up no matter what.

I read her e-mail.

You can't be too concerned about their
privacy when their well-being is at stake.

Especially if you think they're lying to you.
Was she?

Right to my face. I know Serena
went through a similar phase.

Well, if Serena's indiscretions
were as PG as Jenny's...

...I wouldn't have needed the BOTOX.

-Dan was so much easier.
-Well, raising girls is different.

Serena would be a horrible monster
for a hundred days...

...and then on the hundred and first,
she'd be my little girl again.

-So I just wait and hope?
-Well, that's the hardest part.

You have to trust
that you've done your job.

She'll come back to you.

-That's....
-It's perfect.

It's beautiful. It's my finest piece.

Here.

Let me.

Mark Ingram, it's beautiful.

You've outdone yourself.

Oh, wow.

This just in.

Asher Hornsby spotted locking lips
before class, but not with his girlfriend.

Looks like gentlemen
don't prefer blondes, Little J.

They prefer other gentlemen.

Now you know
how Vanessa Hudgens feels.

Is this just another round of blanks
fired between B and Little J?

I'm tired of being the bearer
of bad grudges.

This is the last item that goes to press
without proof.

I'm glad Gossip Girl got her ba*ls back.

Yeah, she was totally turning
into the new page 6.

-Low blow.
-Wasn't me. Wish it was.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Miss van der Woodsen?
It's Luke from the concierge desk.

You asked us to call first
before delivering anything upstairs.

-Is there something for me?
-A package from a Miss Georgina Sparks.

Hello? Did I lose you?

Uh.... No, just keep it there.
I'll pick it up right after school.

-Don't let it out of your sight.
-Of course.

-Thank you.
-What was that about?

Nothing, it's just this-- Nothing.
I'll see you later, okay? Bye.

-Bye. Hey.
SERENA: Hey, B.

Dan Humphrey. Just who
I hate to admit I was looking for.

-You're dirty.
-What you talking about?

Cheating, drinking, drugs, all fair game.
But outing your sister's boyfriend is dark.

How did squeaky-clean Humphrey
come up with that?

I didn't come up with anything.

Oh, my God.
You know something. Spill it.

Yeah, I might have seen Asher kissing
another guy.

So it's true? Who was he kissing?

I don't know, I couldn't see.
What does that matter?

Now Gossip Girl's credibility is the same
as Tinsely Mortimer's after a few martinis.

But if I can prove his duplicity is more
than just a rumor, then they'll break up.

-That's what you want, isn't it?
-Yeah, I guess.

Asher's just using your sister as a cover.

It's your brotherly duty to save her
from becoming the next Katie Holmes.

You're in this to help Jenny?

Motive is irrelevant as long
as our endgame is the same.

No, this is not a game to me.
I don't want her to get hurt.

Should've thought about that before you
told Manhattan Jenny's a glorified hag.

You know what? You're on your own.

I'm done.

Suit yourself.

LILY:
Really, Rufus, what were you thinking?

You threw her a surprise birthday party...

...and had her face painted on a cake
with a tiara?

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

LILY:
So did flannel and acid-washed jeans.

But they weren't flattering either.

What is it? Is it too much?

Uh, is it not enough?

It's not the dress. It's you in it.

I'm sorry, I thought....

I didn't mean....

We're here as friends, right?

No, we are friends.

It's just how you look.

Nothing new on Gossip Girl
for three hours.

Guess she wasn't kidding
about her new standard.

Jenny, sorry, I can't chat,
but have fun at your party tonight.

She's totally running
to a booty call with your brother.

-I cannot believe you just went there.
-And where have you gone, Little J.?

-Yeah, you and Asher. How far?
-Far enough.

-Playing coy only means one thing.
-Maybe Asher doesn't like girls.

-Is that why we went to third?
-You went to third?

No, he did.

Well done. Make him work for it.

Whoever said that money doesn't buy
happiness didn't know where to shop.

Lucky for me, I may have to go out
tonight after all. Did you get it?

Lucky for you, Is knows five ways to
sneak into the Unity boys' locker room...

...and six to sneak out.

Asher takes an abnormally long shower
after practice.

Maybe his Lacrosse stick
isn't the only thing he likes to play with.

Why'd you want his phone so badly?

It was once said that a person's eyes
are the windows to their soul.

That was before people had cell phones.

Hey.

This is a surprise.
Party's not for a couple hours.

Yeah, well, a lot can happen
in a couple hours.

Jenny. What are you doing?

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.
This-- It just isn't what we do.

Are you suddenly not happy?

-I'm holding up my end of the bargain.
-What bargain?

You're Jenny Humphrey from Brooklyn.

You need status, access, resources,
I give that to you.

-What do I give you?
-Do we really need to talk about this?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we do.

So, what was on Gossip Girl's true?

Do you really think someone like me
would just date someone like you?

-You've been so nice.
-And I'll keep being nice.

Nothing has to change, okay?

-Asher....
-Come on, Jenny.

Tonight, you're hosting
your first Upper East Side party.

That's something that Blair and those girls
can never take away from you.

-I know. Thank you.
-You're welcome.

And there is something you can do
to show your thanks.

I think it would be better for both of us...

...if we put those rumors to rest
once and for all.

What do you want me to do?

GEORGINA [ON VIDEO]: If you put
the camera over there, she'll never know.

MAN:
Are you sure she's gonna be down for this?

GEORGINA:
It's Serena. She goes down for anything.

Hey, baby,
how are the new Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd?

SERENA:
I just did something so stupid.

[VIDEO FAST-FORWARDING]

SERENA: It's hot, okay? I'm too hot.
MAN: You are too hot.

[MAN MOANING]

-Where do you think you're going?
-I can't talk, I'll explain later.

If you invite an friend to our quiet family
dinner, I expect you to stay and eat.

You know how I always loved
when Georgina came around.

I ran into Lily in the lobby.

You totally forgot to tell her
I was coming over for dinner.

Did you get my present?

Breaking news:

Asher Hornsby overheard bragging...

...that Little J. swiped her V card
at his register.

Jenny, is this true?

It's private.

-It's on the Internet.
-Well, it's none of your business.

Since when did you start reading
Gossip Girl blasts?

Since you became the subject of them.

You're 15 years old
and I'm your big brother. It is my business.

Well, it's not true. You happy?

You can't tell anyone, though.
Everyone has to believe it.

You want your friends to think
you're sleeping with a guy who's g*y?

-Do you believe everything on Gossip Girl?
-I didn't read it, I saw it.

You were the one who sent the tip?

Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
but I tried to tell you.

You wouldn't listen to me.
I needed to get your attention somehow.

Well, I knew about him the whole time.

So you let him use you?

Well, maybe I was using him.
Did you ever think of that?

I don't know which is worse.

For once in your life,
could you stop judging everyone?

-I'm not.
-You think you're so different and good?

Well, guess what, Dan?

The minute you start sending tips
to Gossip Girl, you're in the game.

-Get out of my room.
-Hey.

[PHONE RINGS]

-B, now's not a good time.
-It's important.

Look, I know I told you I'd be
more available, but I just can't right now.

But it can't wait.

[LINE CLICKS]

-Sorry, it was just Blair.
-Oh, how is Snow White?

Snow not so white. Did you hear she--?

-Eric.
-What?

So, Georgina,
what brings you back to New York?

-I just had some time to k*ll.
-Went to boarding school in Switzerland.

Your parents must be happy
you're back.

Oh, no. Actually,
they've moved to the country full-time.

I'm just in the city
to catch up with some old friends.

What about you?

You and that gorgeous Tiffany rock
seem to be the talk of the city.

Thank you.
Mr. Bass and I are very happy.

You look it. You all do.

I mean, there must be love
in the New York air.

You're engaged, Serena's found a new
guy, Eric found himself a boyfriend.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry.
I don't think I heard you right.

-You haven't met Serena's new guy?
LILY: A boyfriend?

Oh, you mean Eric.

You didn't know he was dating someone?

I didn't think it was a secret.

I saw them kissing in front of St. Jude's
this morning for all the world to see.

Well, don't look so embarrassed, E.
He is a hot piece.

-Well done.
-Please, Georgina, it's not funny, okay?

Oh, I'm....

You didn't know Eric was dating a boy?

This doesn't make any sense
because that would mean that Eric is....

And he's not.

He's just not.

Are you?

Oh, God.

SERENA:
Eric.

Great, Mom. That's just great.

How dare you?

Dan went out
and I'm going to choir practice.

Don't wait up.

Not so fast.

Where were you gonna change
your clothes?

We don't wear a uniform for rehearsal.

Well, unless the choir is entertainment
at Asher's party...

...you have some explaining to do.

How'd you know about the party?

I know a lot more than you think I do.

Nice dress.

I wanted one night out.
What was I supposed to do?

-Ask my permission.
-You'd say no.

You're probably right,
but that's no excuse to lie to me.

Dad, you don't understand.
I'm throwing this party.

Not anymore.
Tell Asher you're not coming.

I can't, it's too late. All my friends--

-You heard me.
-I promised.

All that good behavior from the past few
weeks just got wiped out from that lie.

-You can't stop me, I'm going.
-Jenny, if you walk out that door, I--

You'll what? What, Dad?
What are you gonna do?

Are you gonna put bars on my window
or chain me to the kitchen counter?

I'm not your--

I'm not a little girl anymore.

You can't make me do anything.

You've already lost my trust.

You really wanna lose my respect too?

I'm sorry.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah, okay.

-Hey, it's me.
-Bye.

Who are you talking to?

Chuck.

What, you called Chuck?

Yeah, I've been talking to him
a lot lately.

Guy's got his faults,
but he's never judged me.

I'm your sister. We're us.

You can tell me anything.

I wanted to.

But it's not the type of thing
you blurt out on the way to school.

I was waiting for the right time.

Dinner with Georgina
definitely wasn't that, huh?

I'm sorry about her.

About me.

I came back for you
and then I abandoned you all over again.

This isn't like before.

I'm fine, really.

Well, I'm here now.

When I was at Ostroff, I met this guy.

We were going through the same stuff
and now that guy is dating Jenny.

Wait, you're the mystery guy
that Asher was spotted kissing?

I know this isn't how
you wanted this to happen.

Yeah, I guess the important thing
is that it's happening.

I'm so proud of you.

I love you.

No matter what you do, who you like...

...whose boyfriend kisses you.

The people who care about you
will always stand by your side, okay?

Yeah, I think I'm gonna drop
by Asher's party.

There's one more person
I have to talk to.

[FINGER ELEVEN'S "PARALYSER"
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Oh, my God, Blair crashed Jenny's party.

You look....

-I know.
-Jenny's gonna freak.

Watch and learn, ladies.

The most important parties to attend
are the ones you're not invited to.

Where's the host?
I have something for him.

Thank God you're here.
I'm so happy to see you.

Hey, I'm happy to see you too.
You can meet Sarah.

I'd love to,
but now is not a good time.

Well, she's here, so, Sarah, Serena.
Serena, Sarah.

Hi, I'm Sarah.
It is so nice to finally meet you.

Thanks.

Wow, I mean....

Dan told me you're pretty,
but he didn't do you justice.

-Dan, can we talk in private, please?
-Hey, no, no, no. Wait. Don't go.

Vanessa was about to show me
one of her movies.

I'm a filmmaker too, of sorts.
Actually, I brought one of my short films.

I was hoping to get your opinion.

Maybe you wanna see it too?
Tell me what you think?

I'll go get my laptop.

Dan, would you get me a coffee?

-Please?
-Yeah.

What are you doing, Georgina?
Put that away.

Come on, I'm just having a little fun.

Like old times. You and me
pretending to be different people.

-Svetlana and Savannah.
-This is not a game.

I don't know how you filmed that,
but I'm not playing with you.

It's just a friendly game.

-But we're not friends.
-Oh, I think we are.

You see, because with me
as your enemy, Dan sees this.

And if the heavy petting
doesn't send him running...

...well, I'll bet what happened after will.

-Hey, what'd we miss?
-Nothing.

It's like Sarah and I
have known each other for years.

[LAUGHS]

-Oh, great.
-We don't need the laptop. Thanks.

No, I got a little shy about showing it.
Maybe next time?

Okay.

[THE TING TINGS' "SHUT UP AND
LET ME GO" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

Was it as special
as you hoped it would be?

-Because yours totally wasn't.
-And yours was?

MAN: Ladies, your drinks.
JENNY: I mean, yeah.

-Asher made me feel really safe.
-You are so lucky.

-I know.
-You guys, Blair is here.

What is she doing here?
She wasn't invited.

We need to talk.

-Give us a moment, guys.
-I thought you might want this back.

Whatever you found,
it's not what it looks like.

It's what it looks like,
and judging by the texts and photos...

...looks like more than friendship.

-What are you gonna do with them?
-Your friend is someone I care about.

Or I would've used them
against you and Jenny.

-Too bad you don't care about him.
-It's okay, Blair. I can handle this.

-What's he doing here?
-What is she doing here?

-Gonna tell her or am I?
-There's nothing to tell.

Gossip Girl was right.

Asher was kissing someone
this morning. Me.

He's totally lying. Tell him, Jenny.
I was with you all morning.

Yeah, Asher's right.

I was with him. Eric's lying.

Why would I stand here
in front of everyone we know...

...and tell them if it wasn't true?

I'm g*y. And so are you.

Get this f*gg*t out of here.

Go ahead and do it.

What did you just do?

BLAIR:
You'll see.

What kind of mother does not know
that her son is g*y?

The people you know best are the ones
most capable of surprising you.

The things that I said, the way I acted....

It was not my finest maternal moment.

What if he does something again?

I know how much you love him,
so does he.

-You just need to remind him of that.
-But what if it's not enough?

-Most of the time, it's all we've got.
-And what about you?

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna wait for my daughter
to come to me.

And then I'm gonna ground her
until she's 25.

We make quite the team.

Always did.

Good luck, Lil, with everything.

I'm sure you'll make a beautiful bride.

Thank you.

Good night, Rufus.

Weekend update:

A same-sex kiss hasn't caused
this much controversy...

...since Britney and Madonna.

Looks like Little J
didn't spread her legs after all.

She spread lies instead.

Asher is g*y
and I have the correspondence to prove it.

Looks like someone needs a semester
in France.

PENELOPE: Get your things, we're leaving.
-We can still have fun. Don't leave.

It's kind of hard to party
after the g*y b*mb drops.

I'm gonna do something out of character
and give you the benefit of the doubt.

Tell us Gossip Girl is wrong.

Did you or did you not sleep with Asher?

I may have exaggerated a little bit.

Dating a g*y guy is an honest mistake.

But lying to your girlfriends about sex
is unforgivable.

To think I almost asked you to wear
a matching dress tonight.

-You're branded now with the L word.
-Liar.

So, what are we doing tonight?

We are doing nothing.

I, however, am going home.

But tomorrow, dinner at the Waverly
and then to 151 for drinks.

-Yeah.
-I'll have Dorota...

...BlackBerry everyone an itinerary.

Don't look so sad, Little J.
The sun will come out tomorrow.

Even though your boyfriend did today.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, I made some tea.

It's probably iced now, but, um....
Look, my reaction earlier--

-It's okay, Mom.
-No, it's not okay.

You just caught me off-guard,
I guess I....

I just wasn't ready.

Well, I wasn't ready either so....

It's okay if you need time.

Well, since you're being so honest...

...I'm gonna try as well, okay?

I'm scared.

And life is tough enough as it is,
you know?

I want the best for you.

And I'm worried for your safety
and your happiness.

I have a better chance of being happy
if I'm honest.

I know that.

And I want you to know what love is
whoever you're with.

Because it's pretty great.

You would know, right?
Fourth time's the charm.

Yeah.

Ah, yes, the truth always comes out.

It's one of the fundamental rules of time.

And when it comes out,
it can set you free.

Or end everything you fought so hard for.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

My, my.

If it isn't Little J risen from the ashes.

I came to tell you in person. You win.

Oh, sweetie. We just started to play.

No, you don't understand.

I'm done.

With you, with them, with all of it.

Just like that, you wave the white flag?

I lied and I stole and I lost the respect
of my family for what?

So I can be like you?

You asked me before
if it was all worth it.

My answer is, it's not.

I tried to warn you.

There's a price to pay.

I always knew
a girl like you couldn't afford it.

Well, you were right.

Well, you put up a good fight.
For a freshman.

Thanks.

Hope you don't expect a hug.

I don't expect anything anymore.

So? She's great, right?
What do you think?

Honestly, there's something
I don't like about her.

Okay, but you had your doubts about
Vanessa and now you are friends.

This is different.

-I don't understand why you're--
-Why I'm what?

Jealous. There's no reason to be.
She actually wanted us to patch things up.

-You told her about our problems?
-Yes, she wanted to listen to them.

-And she had good advice too.
-Look at me.

I love you, okay?

You just have to take my word for it.

Do not trust her.

But you just met her.

You've been hanging out with Chuck
and you've been partying and avoiding me...

...and lying and you tell me
who I can and cannot trust?

I don't understand that at all.

You know, we all live in Brooklyn.

So I don't know, if you need to catch a cab,
I think you should do that here.

Dan, don't. I wanna talk.

Then talk.

VANESSA: I'm gonna get going.
-Hey, just hold on. One second.

I forgot something inside.
I'll catch up with you guys?

Okay?

-Well, I had fun. How about you?
-What do you want from me?

I want things to go back to how
they were, before that night.

Before things got so screwed up.

We were such good friends.

And now we can be again.

Why would I wanna be friends
with somebody who blackmails me...

...who outs my little brother
at the dinner table?

Eric was an honest mistake.
I would never hurt him.

No, I don't believe you. I don't believe you
about Eric, about anything.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I did it on purpose.

Because I can. Because I know things.

About you, about your family.

About your boyfriend.

And I know them before you do.

Oh, look, cab.

You get home safe.

Hold up, guys, I'm coming.

Another way the truth comes out
when you don't even mean it to.

"Angry."

"Change."

"Trust."

"Girl."

Something you wanna talk about?

Who would've thought
Scrabble could be therapeutic?

That last one was a triple word score.

Or when, without saying a word,
it's still loud and clear.

Dad?

Do you think it'd be okay if I joined you?

You know
there's always room for you here.

Yeah, and Dad's totally losing
so he could use your help.

Dad, I'm sorry.

[SOBBING]

I'm sorry about everything.

But the worst thing the truth can do
is when you finally tell it...

...it doesn't set you free,
but locks you away forever.

SERENA:
Blair?

Serena, what are you doing here?
It's late.

Oh, my God.

What happened? What's wrong?

-Talk to me.
-I can't.

-Of course you can.
-No.

No, B, this is the one thing I can't tell you.
I can't tell anyone.

I'm not anyone, I'm me.
You can tell me anything.

No, I can't, because then,
that'd make you a part of it.

And you can't be a part of this.

What are you talking about?
You're starting to scare me.

Hey, hey, hey. We're sisters.

You're my family. What is you is me.

There's nothing that you could ever say
to make me let go.

I love you.

What is it?

I k*lled someone.