2x20 - Remains of the J

[bunniefuu]

Gossip girl here Your one and only source Take me now.

Why? To prove that nothing matters.

That's not the blair i want.

What are you doing with this insect? Having the time of my life, thank you.

Serena is in "women's wearar daily.

" with poppy lifton.

Remember when we were savannah and svetlana.

I totally forgot about savannah and svetlana.

Andrew got caught in a riptide.

Yeah, if we had known, we wouldn't have even bothered you.

-Is it over? -we've already lost one son.

we weren't losing another.

So you excited for nate's big adventure this summer? He told you about our backpacking trip? i was talking about the internship at the mayor's office.

-i should go.

-Wait.

stay.

Mornings are simply more fun on the upper east side.

Our favorite things to wake up to--the sun in the sky, The nikkei on the rise And a wake-up call from your latest lover - Or your best friend.

again, serena? -Good.

you're up.

-yes, i'm up, just like i was up yesterday And the morning before that.

Well, after the whole carter/chuck thing, You can't blame me for wanting to check in on you.

And as much as i appreciate the concern, s.

, My downward spiral is on the upturn.

I'm at home in my p.

j.

s, eating french toast With dorota.

Come on! what was that? -Get off the phone! -dorota has a cold.

Dorota, i told you not to use your handkerchief in the table It's disgusting.

Oh, it sounded like a car horn.

it must have been on my end.

Where are you? I'm on 73rd and madison, headed to via quadronno To get some pastries for our new-family breakfast.

Well, uh, if i wasn't so full on french toast, I would ask you to bring me one.

see you at school.

And tell dorota to feel better.

I have here in my hands my first fan letter.

What, did you write it yourself? No.

no.

"the new yorker" forwarded it to me.

Some kid read my story.

he loved it.

Sent me his own story.

i mean, he wants my opinion.

But i figured it'd be good practice for yale Since they make you do a crit with your classmates.

Oh, a fan that gives homework.

lovely.

Mm.

what's this? it's my entry packet from yale that come to.

There's just a couple of forms for you to fill out, And then we're done.

look at us.

everything's working out.

You're in yale and jenny might actually make it to 16.

That was a little touch-and-go there for a while.

Yes, but i still have 24 hours to mess up, so Uh, dad, i don't smell coffee.

Yeah, and the waffle iron is cold.

Oh, yeah.

lily's doing breakfast today.

She wants to talk to us.

ominous.

Or delicious.

i mean, do you know how many types of jam They have there? come on.

we're gonna be late.

A lot.

Hey.

i'll be there in a second.

Would you care to read my fan letter in person? As happy as i am for you, i'm a little freaked out.

I gave nate a week to call, and he hasn't.

Well, if I remembere right You left him alone at a party where he was being honored.

Which i feel terrible about.

I just wish he would give me a chance to apologize.

Oh, he will, when he's ready.

Okay.

Did you just set me up? What do you mean? nate just sent me an e-mail.

He wants me to meet him at his place in a half-hour.

Really? well, that-- i mean, i was just winging it, But that's good.

Serena! Hi! Poppy.

oh, my gosh.

hey.

oh, it's so good to see you.

I was beginning to think We weren't running in the same circles anymore.

It's been so long.

cute coat.

oh, thanks.

you--you look great I love your hair and your tan.

oh, we just got back from Spain.

"we"? yeah, me and my new boyfriend gabriel.

He's so wonderful, serena.

you'd love him.

i-i'd love to meet him.

You should.

But we're only in town for 48 hours, though.

Gabriel had to come in for business, But we're gonna fly right back to costa brava On sunday morning.

so what about you? what's new? Seeing anybody? uh, yeah.

dan and i got back together, But then we broke up again.

Oh, i'm sorry.

And your friend-- what's her name? blair? Yeah.

how's she doing? Uh, good now.

there was this thing between us, But then we worked it out, so wow.

Well, it sounds like everything's exactly the same As it was last time i saw you.

Makes catching up easier, though, right? yeah.

I-i'm throwing a party this weekend.

Really? oh, what's the occasion? not that you need one.

Oh, it's--it's for a friend.

it's for her sweet 16.

Oh.

that's sweet.

Yeah.

uh, you should come.

Yeah.

i'll, um, i'll have to check my schedule, But i'll let you know.

yeah.

please--please do.

Okay.

Well, um, have fun with your little party, And, um, just take care of yourself, okay? Lily, i can't believe you made us breakfast.

Oh, i just toasted some bagels and fried some bacon and bugeen Oh, really, it's no big deal.

Well, if you turned on a burner, lil, it's a big deal.

You are really committed to making this family work.

I'm proud of you, mom.

aw.

thank you.

Oh, charles, are you staying for breakfast? I have an appointment What does chuck bass do on 8 am? It's not like you work out.

i do my cardio in the evenings.

Morning is for business, for which i am late.

So if you'll excuse me Does this feel like a sitcom to anybody else? It feels like a reality show.

good.

so i can vote you off.

It would almost be scary If it wasn't wearing plaid.

um, wait, wait.

You guys didn't start without me, did you? hey.

You didn't tell her yet.

no.

What? tell me what? well, we wanted to tell you in person and all of you.

We are planning a sweet 16 party for you here, tomorrow night.

Fantastic caterer and beautiful flowers.

D.

j.

, the perfect guest list.

We wanted it to be a surprise, though.

We heard you had one of those last year, And it didn't go so well.

oh, jenny cake.

Well, that's why this year, i was more than happy To delegate to people who know better.

So what do you think? Uh wow.

i You're not excited? No, i am.

i totally am.

But Okay, look, last year, I would have k*lled for a party like this.

But this year, i-i don't know.

Things just--things just seem different.

like--like, okay, I was just kind of hoping that it would be us And vanessa and jonathan, and then i don't even-- Maybe those two girls from my chem class Who didn't light my hair on fire that one time.

I'm sorry.

is that okay? yeah.

yeah.

I mean, well, maybe you should just try the cake first.

Of course it's okay.

it's your birthday.

It's whatever you want.

yeah, yeah.

no, it's not a problem.

I'll--i'll just-- i'll cancel.

i'm thinking my famous chili.

Maybe some board games.

Yeah.

yeah.

Um, but really, thank you so much for thinking of me.

It means a lot.

Um, i'll just go cancel the caterer.

I should probably get to school.

I don't understand why she wouldn't want it.

Every culture in the world has some version of a sweet 16 party.

It's like a universal rite of passage.

Well, since she got back to constance, Jenny hasn't exactly made a lot of friends.

You know, downsizing the party might have something to do With the fear that no one will show up.

Serena.

Word is out that your party went from 60 to zero in the last hour.

.

We knew you'd accept defeat gracefully.

What are you talking about? You canceled jenny's party to move off penelope's date.

Penelope's having a party tomorrow night? Since when? Since always.

we were all going, but at least now We don't have to pretend to feel bad about missing yours.

Hey, p.

hey, girls.

how excited are you about the part don't cancel Spotted--s.

learning the answer to the age-old question, "what if you were throwing a party and no one cared?" When that happens, don't cancel Poppy, hey.

it's serena.

You know that party i was telling you about? I was hoping we could meet up.

I need your help.

Make them eat cake.

I see you got the e-mail i sent from Nate's account.

His password has been "soccer" since the fifth grade.

Look, Blair leaves his place at this time every morning.

When you're ready to do something about it, You know where i am.

And when you're not from the upper east side, Sometims a morning is just beginning to a very bad day.

I'm all foyou and nate Isn't that a bit "been there, done that, got dumped twice"? Nate and I are purely platonic.

I've seen you leave his place in the morning.

Oh, of course you're stalking me.

You know, if you were any good at it, You would know i bring him breakfast.

We're just friends.

we haven't shared so much kiss even Friends? That makes total sense.

There's no spark between you two, never was.

You're like a green twig and a soggy match, A rusty hammer and an icy nail.

Nate and I have had plenty of spark.

-Better than that--fireworks.

That was us.

Chuck Don't act like i didn't fight for you.

I did--hard, and for a long time.

So please, Forgive me if now that we're over, i'm exhausted.

So what, you're with nate because it's easy? I'm not with nate.

But if i was, what's wrong with easy? Maybe it's easy because it's right.

Oh, really? is that why nate is so reluctant To break things off with vanessa? You do know they're still dating, right? Try this.

Wonderful.

hey, is the, uh, yale packet around, dad? I just--i wanted to look at the dorms.

Oh, jeez.

i-i think i left it at lil's.

sorry.

Oh, okay.

that's all right.

I'll just get it tomorrow.

But, uh, let me know if you two need help.

hmm.

Why did you just lie to him? the packet's right there.

Dan was denied financial aid at yale.

Funds are limited, And these days, there are a lot of other students That need it more than we do.

I'm sorry.

do you save, Of course, but i-i planned On at least part of his tuition being subsidized.

Well, um, i mean, i could help you out.

Thank you, but no.

as kind as it is for you to offer, I think i need to handle this on my own.

I just wish i had an idea.

Well, you could sell the loft, and then you'd have, um, Enough for dan's tuition and then some.

And this is where dan and jenny grew up.

Besides, where would we live? on the streets? Well you could move in with me.

That's a big step, lil.

I know.

but i always saw it as the next one for us anyway.

Are we ready for that? Well, there's one way to find out.

Look, why don't you just talk to an agent And see what they say? You know what i was just thinking? Jennifer aniston is totally fine now.

I'm sure brad doesn't even feel bad anymore.

okay.

I mean, i'm sure that there was some collateral damage, Which is always sad, but his fate lay with angelina, And he knew that, So he had the tough conversation and moved on.

This is your way of saying i should break up with vanessa? So me and you can embrace our fate.

Ah.

yes.

Okay.

well, i wasn't actually gonna tell you this Till afterwards, but vanessa called a couple hours ago, And she just wants to talk, So i asked her to meet me for dinner.

But can't you just text? No.

But what if when you see her, There's sparks or fireworks, even? You know, they say breakup sex is-- hey, hey, hey, hey.

Vanessa and i--it feels over, And i'm sure she's gonna tell me the same thing.

Listen, i promise i'll come straight over after it's done.

On their first trip to africa, Brad and angelina's lovemaking was so intense, The guards thought they were being attacked.

Well, how about i just start by talking to vanessa And see where all this goes? sound good? Sounds great.

Okay.

Oh, you must be jenny.

it's so nice to meet you.

oh.

I'm poppy.

hi.

Serena, i wasn't expecting any of this.

Oh, well, my mom wanted you to have your dream dress.

We thought missoni would be right, So i brought a friend to help with the selection.

So what about that one? Well, i wish i was the kind of girl Who was having the kind of party Where i could wear this kind of dress.

I'm not, so I-i think--i guess i'll just-- i'll just try this one.

Hey.

thanks for meeting me.

After i saw you this morning, i felt kind of terrible.

I'm--i'm in a rut, aren't i? Yeah.

well, a girl like you Should be on the arm of a designer At the costume ball one day And yachting around the maldives the next, Not making up and breaking up with the same high school boy And feuding with your frenemy.

I know.

What--what can i do? Well, this party would be a good place to start.

Yeah, i-i-i thought that, But jenny is just really set on something more simple.

Any 16-year-old girl would love The kind of party that you should be throwing-- Adult, elegant, the right notables in attendance.

And you saw the way that she looked at that dress.

She loves it.

she wants a party like this.

She just needs someone to hold her hand a little.

So what do you think? We like that one better.

Okay.

i guess-- i guess i'll just try it on.

See? she loves it.

that's all the proof you need.

You know, it's not too late.

Why don't you start making some phone calls? Hi.

it's serena van der woodsen.

Um, i know my mom might have called you this morning, But there's been a mistake.

The party's not canceled.

it's--it's still on, And actually, it's--it's gonna be bigger.

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks for meeting me.

it's really good to see you.

I have a feeling you're not gonna like what i have to say.

Hey, don't act surprised, v.

You saw this coming.

i mean, you left first.

I know, but I mean, i'm sure we can do something To figure it all out, if we tried.

Okay.

Well, at least we can end things honestly, right? - Right.

because if there is someone else, You could tell me.

Probably make things easier.

This is about you and me.

no one else.

Really? - yeah, really.

It's 10:30, dorota.

what took him so long? Maybe girl from Brokenly cry.

Mr Nate nicely boy.

He wipe tears.

he touch her hair.

She touch his.

Dorota.

Not that it's ever happen to me.

It's done.

Whoa.

don't look too happy.

Oh, right.

sorry.

Was it awful? No.

things had come to a natural end, so And it had nothing to do with anyone else.

Of course.

it was just about you guys.

Hey, listen.

it's, um, it's getting late, And i've had a really tough day.

So how about tomorrow, okay? We could hang out this weekend.

Pour that dom down the drain, dorota.

Wait.

is that the '96? What happened, miss blair? He kissed me on the forehead, Like chevalier kissed gigi Like he was a man, and i was a little girl.

No passion, no spark.

Maybe chuck was right.

Maybe all nate and i have together is just History.

Poor b.

it's hard to turn up the heat with an old flame.

But stand back.

Someone's about to add fuel to this fire.

I have to say, i was a little surprised when you called.

That he dumped me, i can accept, But then he had the nerve To say that there was nothing between him and blair.

The "just friends" speech? i got it, too.

They're making fools of us.

Well, not anymore.

Wow.

you got a lot of board games there.

Uh, you know, we're going to a birthday party.

It's not a b*mb shelter.

Yeah, well, i want to have options.

Uh, do you know if vanessa's coming? - yeah.

Yeah, she and nate broke up last night.

It seems like she's taking it pretty hard, But, uh, she wants to come to the party, - Said she'd call.

Okay Oh, and that's probably her.

Hello? Mr.

humphrey? it's gail from brooklyn realty.

I wanted to schedule a time For our appraiser to come out to your loft.

Is this a bad time? Uh, yeah.

you know, i'll call you later.

Not vanessa? No.

you know, we should probably start getting ready.

Okay.

Wait.

back up, blair.

nate and vanessa broke up? Oh, they had a falling-out after the van der bilt party, Hadn't spoken for a week and broke up last night.

How do you know all this? Have you dumped me for vanessa? No.

i've just been spending a lot of time with nate.

Oh.

where is this coming from? - What? - you and nate? After all that you've been through? You sure it's not just because nate's not chuck? I thought chuck was my future, Nate a part of my past.

But now i'm thinking Chuck was just something i had to get out of my system In order to realize nate was my destiny all along.

Well, if that's really how you feel, Then i'm happy for you.

It's not exactly like i was rooting for chuck, And nate is good for you.

no drama.

Nate and i have plenty of drama and sparks and fireworks.

Uh-huh.

when are you getting to my party? You mean jenny's party.

So do you have any idea what's going on out there?

B., i gotta go. I'm sorry.

Jenny's gonna love it.

Hey, vanya.

"Guilty liberal 'victims' and their as*ault on america" By ann coulter? Dorota gave to me.

she said important to know enemy.

It's okay.

i read to make dorota happy.

I have to say, i'm excited.

Oh, you should be.

Dad only makes his chili on very special occasions.

Well, not just about my birthday.

I mean, of course about my birthday, but, you know, Lily and dad and all of us together? I don't know.

things just seem to be going really good.

Yeah.

a little too good.

What? since when is "good" too good? Dan? Uh, y-you know that phone call that wasn't vanessa? It was a real estate agent.

I think dad might be selling the loft.

What? no.

where would we live? Well, i'd be at college.

I guess you and dad would be Moving on up to the east side, To a deluxe apartment in the sky-y-y.

Okay, yeah, yeah, funny.

first of all, You need to stop watching so many old sitcoms on hulu, And second, dad on the upper east side? I mean, there's no way.

no, we can't live up here.

we're - Humphy's.

Damn straight We grew up good.

you know that? Yeah.

Okay.

it looks familiar And yet Not bad, little j.

What are you doing here? Once i heard poppy lifton was coming to your party, I canceled mine.

in the last 20 minutes, I've been hit on by two bronfmans and a g*y designer.

It was so worth it.

Kudos on rising from the social grave.

Speaking of graves, did something die in that pot? It's cumin.

I liked my social grave.

I dug it myself, and i was happy to lie in it.

What's going on? why are they here? I don't know.

This chili weighs a ton, though.

I need to find a caterer.

Jenny, hey.

i didn't see you come in.

How could you with all this fabulous going on? well done.

Happy birthday, jenny.

Poppy, i didn't expect to see you.

Hey, uh, will you get us some drinks? - sure.

Well, surprised? Confused.

i mean, what is all this? Where's my dad and lily? they're at "billy elliot," fifth road center I-i told them that a girl only turns 16 once, And she needs to spend it with her friends And friends of friends.

my present to you.

serena, i didn't want this.

Well, i thought you didn't want a social fiasco Where--where you planned something And people didn't show up, but this is perfect.

I mean, jenny, all of these people are here for you.

Patrick, hey.

uh, would you take a picture - With me and the birthday girl? - sure.

It's a birthday? Excuse me.

Enjoying my party? You know, i was just saying to jonathan That this is a lovely, intimate family gathering.

Nothing says "jenny humphrey" Like a customized c*ck napkin.

mm.

Eric, i don't get it.

Why would serena hijack my birthday? Well, i know she was trying to do something nice for you.

Maybe she just got a little carried away.

And maybe she wanted to prove to everyone She could still throw a great party.

Well if she wants people to know What a great party she can throw, Why not tell everyone? I came to you because i wanted to do something Besides feel sorry for myself, but all it's been is Sleazy platitudes and You staring at my boobs.

I came up with several excellent ideas.

You just shot most of them down.

Yeah, because they all involved Leaking a chuck/vanessa sex tape to the internet.

We don't have to leak the tape if you don't want to.

Consistent, if twisted.

Why are they here? What do we do? Spotted--two people who should know better And two people who don't know what hit them.

No, of course there's no keg! Serena, who are these rowdy children? I mean, i know jenny's young, but this is embarrassing.

I know.

i know.

i'm so sorry.

Um, just give me a minute, and--and i'll figure this out.

We're leaving.

you should come with.

Trust me, i would love to get out of here right now, But i think i should deal with the table dancers first.

I'll--i'll catch up with you later.

well, do try, for your own good Yeah.

Jenny.

jenny, please help me get rid of these pf Um, they're not crashing, serena.

i invited them.

Well, you have your guest list, and i have mine.

Yeah, but--but this can't be what you want.

Like you care what i want.

Jenny, i genuinely thought that when you got of You would be thrilled, and if you weren't, Then i'm sorry, but you should have just said something.

Serena, i did, at breakfast, and you clearly-- -Serena -um it's fine.

jenny and are just having our first fight.

-There are strangers having sex in your bed.

-oh, my god.

Wait.

did you get that out of my mother's closet? The word he used was, uh, uh, "haunting," "a haunting sense of immediacy.

" I love that.

oh.

yeah, he's-- he's a smart guy, my fan.

He's a good writer.

he's a good writer.

dan, help.

Well, i'm kind of in the middle of something.

Well, i need you to be in the middle Of something else.

Where'd your boyfriend go? We're not a couple.

It's just physical.

I'll take your word for it.

But listen, whatever's going on between you two, Just make sure chuck Doesn't talk you into doing something you regret.

Whatever's going on with chuck wasn't his idea.

it was mine, And least he doesn't pretend to be one thing, When really he's another.

-You said there was no one else.

-there's not.

Blair's my friend.

nothing's happened between us.

Well, not yet.

But he's telling you the truth.

Nate's a good guy.

If you'd have seen that, maybe you'd still be together.

Now that he's free, who knows what will happen? Exactly.

we don't know.

we're just hanging out.

Sure, that's what people do at parties, hang out.

But later, when we're alone-- blair -We'll talk about it.

-what is there to talk about? Okay, do you guys want to have this conversation -Somewhere else, alone? why are you still standing here? Blair, what are we doing in here? You're not leaving this room until we find out Once and for all if we're really just friends.

Well, don't just stare at me.

do something.

Blair, stop acting like me being your friend Is some kind of plot to humiliate you, okay? Did you ever think that maybe Things didn't work out between us Because we weren't friends? You're right, nate.

This week, you've become my friend.

It's amazing, And i've never wanted to kiss my friend so much in my life.

We're at a party full of people in chuck's room, And he and vanessa are right behind the wall.

That doesn't excite you? Blair Don't.

Only my boyfriend gets to touch my hair.

They have been in there for a while.

What if all we did is push 'em closer together? You just need to relax And trust in the power of our overwhelming sexual chemistry To drive a wedge between them.

Go intercept him.

It looks like that went well.

You wanted to be more like blair waldorf? Well, congratulations.

you succeeded.

Poor v.

nobody gets what they want Without losing something they love, Like their integrity.

-Stains.

-ooh.

ew! gross! I can't believe jenny would turn A sophisticated soiree into a teenage rager.

Well, you did turn her sprabble and sloppy joe party Into a sophisticated soiree, so you know, Not that the punishment exactly fits the crime.

Well, maybe on some entirely subconscious level, I was thinking of myself.

Well, yes, it--it may have been somewhat conscious, But i don't know.

My--my life has just felt so normal lately.

Getting back together with you and breaking up again, Fighting with blair and then not-- It just--it all felt so high school.

well, we are iihat's going o At least for a little while longer.

Old people seem oddly nostalgic for this time ihat's going on Is it gonna make me sound like my dad If i say that you have the rest of your life To throw these fabulous society parties, But this might be the last opportunity you have To roust naked strangers from making love on your mattress? Actually, you know, it sounds a lot like college.

Serena, we have a problem.

How was i supposed to know that if i threw you The best party of the year, you would sabotage it? How was i supposed to know how many kids would show up? Parasites! hooligans! get! Vanya.

vanya, what's going on? Worse than the rats, with their cell phones over and over.

It's too much.

go home! Away, before i-- Call the cops.

-politzia.

Well, at least they scared everyone away.

Hi, kids.

We're home.

-Oh, my god.

oh, my god.

-okay, lil, deep breath.

Oh! things definitely got out of hand, But the most important thing is that the kids are okay.

Yes, well, that may be the most important thing, But the second most important thing is the apartment-- The furniture, the--the rugs, the art, the--my closet.

I thought i recognized that dress.

Serena, how did this happen? Mom, i admit i made a few phone calls.

If you want to punish someone for the passed hors d'oeuvres, Point the finger here.

guilty as charged.

But as far as all the people Oh, and you expect me to believe that jenny was behind this? After she had me cancel the best caterer in town Because she wanted clue and a crock-pot.

Mom, you could-- Could at least make an attempt to mask your distaste.

Don't you dare leave me here to clean up this mess, serena.

When this family was just me and eric, If things got out of control, It was a pretty safe bet that it was my fault.

that's true.

But as this family grows, so does the pool of suspects.

This is not my mess.

Okay, so whose mess is it? I mean, all i did was carry the chili And prevent teenagers from having unprotected sex.

Serena may have had her own motives I may have helped With the crowd situation with a few inspirational words, But, um But i was the one who posted the party on "gossip girl.

" Look, i'm sorry, lily, And i'm sorry, dad.

And i don't know.

maybe serena was just trying to be nice, But the party that she threw was totally embarrassing.

Jenny, i don't understand.

Um, it sounds to me like what serena put together Was delightful.

You know, at least last year, it was my face on the cake.

And the people at my party might have hated me, But at least they knew who i was.

I know that it's hard for you guys to understand, But i like being me, and as crazy as it may seem, I choose not to be a park avenue princess On my birthday or any other day, No matter what my address might be.

What are you talking about, jenny? The real estate agent called today.

Dad, you and lily might want to live together, But i'm just not ready to stop being a humphrey.

Wait.

live together? Teenage ragers, Annoying sort of siblings, being yelled at by my mother-- This should not be my life.

It doesn't have to be, sweetie.

I mean, so what if your stock took a dip in last quarter Whose didn't? but that doesn't mean You can't still turn things around.

well, then what are your suggestion And don't say to host another party.

No.

Uh, well, it sounds to me like you need to get away.

Yes.

yes! road trip.

No.

i was thinking more like a private jet to spain.

Yeah.

mm, see, even my fantasies are becoming dull.

Listen, gabriel's parents' place is insanely beautiful, And the weather and the food And gabriel's hot friends - Mm.

when do we leave? - tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow? I i'm embarrassed to say this, But i-i think i might be grounded.

Serena No.

I know.

Yeah, i mean, you're right.

Yeah, let's go to spain.

To espa! - to espa! Uh-oh, looks like someone's up to their old tricks, And just in time, too.

Cuidado, espa.

here comes el problema.

Ugh.

i can't tell if it's chili in my pot Or if some kid threw up in here.

And wait it out while an army of highly traine circumstance restores our home.

did you ever hear from serena? Yeah, she left a message saying she was sleeping at poppy's.

Oh, i shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, Been so hard on her.

And jenny should have spoken up sooner.

Lil, i'm really sorry.

And so is she.

i know.

I just think we might be moving a bit fast.

I don't think we should move in together.

I love the idea of our family sharing a place together.

One day.

It's gonna be complicated to say to list We need to find our way and the kids need to find theirs.

We shouldn't let circumstance Impose a time line.

I agree.

but what are you gonna do about dan and yale? We'll figure something out.

Figure out what? What do we need to figure out between me and yale? I'm gonna go get dressed.

Wait.

is that--is that why you were moving in with lily? To pay for my education? Uh what--at happened? Yale has great financial aid.

Well, as of now, we're a low priority.

It's all determined by need.

and It's all relative, dan.

well, what do we do? Well,I'm never let money getting a way Of your education before.

i'm not gonna start now.

We've got some time.

And you need to stay positive about your future.

Did you call that kid who sent you a fan letter? I bet he's dying to hear back from you.

Yeah, well, i mean, it was great of him To reach out like that, so i'll give him a call.

Dan.

We'll figure out a way.

Oh, i-i know.

I should have known it was too good to last.

It's just-- i was having so much fun Hanging out with a normal guy like nate.

We may not have had the drama or the electricity, But you know what we did have? fun? Yes, dorota, fun.

Nate--he's so nice.

Being around him wasn't hard.

It didn't hurt until now.

I miss my friend nate.

Maybe you get happy soon.

True.

The ducks do soothe me.

Give me my loaf.

Mr.

nate called to ask where your favorite spot-- That be where he want first kiss.

Is it true that you brought me here? Well, you ran off too quickly last night, All i want to tell you Is that i do want to be with you Just not like that.

Excuse me.

do i know you? Uh, i don't think so, no.

i met you last year, around this time actually You were with a friend of yours, And you were calling yourself savannah.

Hi.

sorry i'm late.

mmm.

I got some freshments for the ride.

hey! hey! yeah.

Did you two introduce yourselves? uh, not exactly.

It's serena.

I figured.

well, it's nice to meet you again.

i'm gabriel.

Oh, my god.

we're gonna have so much fun.

Hold this.

i gotta get my coat.

Scott! Your phone! Who does, uh, scott know in brooklyn? No one.

Hello? Hey.

is this scott? i'm sorry.

scott can't come to the phone right now Can i give him a message? yeah, this is daniel humphrey.

He wrote me a letter, so, uh, I guess if he wants to talk, Tell him he can-- he can give me a call back.

Certainly.

i'll pass the message along.

Okay.

thank you.

So who was it? Scott wrote a letter to rufus humphrey's son.

Why would he-- He knows.

How do you delete an incoming call? Mistakes, we all make them.

They usually start with the best of intentions, Like keeping a secret to protect someone Ready? i'll be just a second.

Or getting some distance from the person you've become.

Sometimes we don't even know what mistakes we've made to get where we are.

Or we figure it out just in time To make it right again.

But every mistake happens for a reason-- To teach you a lesson you would otherwise never learn You were going to leave without saying good-bye.

I knew you more like me than you were letting on.

Chuck, it's morning now, as in "cold light of," As in "let's pretend last night didn't happen.

" We could just as easily as pretend of this that will happen so.

And hopefully you never make that mistake again.

So we're clear? This is just between us.

It means nothing.

What means nothing? Lucky for me, that never happens

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

Mornings are simply more fun
on the Upper East Side.

Our favorite things to wake up to:
the sun in the sky...

...the Nikkei on the rise, and a wake-up
call from your latest lover...

...or your best friend.

BLAIR [OVER PHONE]: Again, Serena?
-Good, you're up.

Yes, I'm up. Just like I was up yesterday
and the morning before that.

Well, after the whole Carter-Chuck thing,
you can't blame me...

...for wanting to check in on you.

As much as I appreciate the concern,
my downward spiral's on the upturn.

I'm at home in my pj's,
eating French toast with Dorota.

[HORN HONKS]

-Come on!
-What was that?

DRIVER: Get off the phone.
-Dorota has a cold.

Dorota, I told you not to use
your handkerchief at the table!

It's disgusting.

Oh, it sounded like a car horn.
It must've been on my end.

-Where are you?
-I'm on 73rd and Madison...

...headed to get some pastries
for our new family breakfast.

Well, if I wasn't so full on French toast,
I would ask you to bring me one.

-See you at school.
-And tell Dorota to feel better.

I have here, in my hands,
my first fan letter.

-What, did you write it yourself?
-No, no.

The New Yorker forwarded it to me.
Some kid read my story. He loved it.

Sent me his own story. He wants
my opinion. Good practice for Yale.

Oh, a fan
that gives homework. Lovely.

-What's this?
DAN: It's my package from Yale.

There's just a couple of forms
for you to fill out, and then we're done.

Look at us. Everything's working out.
You in Yale...

...and Jenny actually might make it
to 16.

That was a little touch-and-go.

Yes, but I still have 24 hours
to mess up, so....

-Dad, I don't smell coffee.
-Yeah, and the waffle iron is cold.

Yeah, Lily's doing breakfast today.
She wants to talk to us.

-Ominous.
-Or delicious.

You know how many types
of jam they have?

RUFUS: We're gonna be late.
-It's a lot.

RUFUS: Hey.
DAN: I'll be there in a second.

Are you here to read my letter?

As happy as I am for you,
I'm freaked out.

I gave Nate a week to call,
and he hasn't.

If I remember right, you left him
at a party where he was being honored.

I just wish he would give me
a chance to apologize.

Well, he will, when he's ready.

[CELL PHONE CHIMING]

Uh--

Okay.

Did you just set me up?

-What?
-Nate just sent me an email.

-He wants me to meet him at his place.
-Really? Well, that....

I mean, I was just winging it,
but that's good.

POPPY:
Serena.

-Hi.
-Poppy. Oh, my gosh, hey.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

I was beginning to think we weren't
running in the same circles anymore.

-Cute coat.
-Oh, thanks. You look great.

I love your hair and your tan.

-Oh, we just got back from Spain.
-We?

Yeah, me and my new boyfriend.
He's wonderful. You'd love him.

-Well, I'd love to meet him.
-You should.

We're only in town for 48 hours.
Gabriel had to come in for business...

...but we're gonna fly right back
on Sunday morning.

So, what about you? What's new?
Seeing anybody?

Yeah, Dan and I got back together,
but then we broke up again, so....

Oh, I'm sorry. And your friend?

-What's her name? Blair?
-Yeah.

-How's she doing?
-Good now.

There was this thing between us,
but then we worked it out, so....

Sounds like everything is exactly
the same as it was last time I saw you.

-Makes catching up easier, though, right?
-Yeah.

-I'm throwing a party this weekend.
-Really?

Oh, what's the occasion?
Not that you need one.

It's for a friend. It's her sweet 16.

Oh, well, that's sweet.

Yeah. You should come.

Yeah. I'll have to check my schedule,
but I'll let you know.

-Yeah, please do.
-Okay.

Well, have fun with your little party...

...and just take care of yourself, okay?

DAN: Lily, I can't believe
you made us breakfast.

Oh, I just toasted some bagels
and fried some bacon.

-And bought jam.
LILY: Really, it's no big deal.

Well, if you turned on a burner,
Lil, it's a big deal.

You are committed
to making this work.

-I am proud of you, Mom.
LILY: Thank you.

-Charles, are you staying for breakfast?
-I have an appointment.

What does Chuck Bass do at 8 a.m.?
It's not like you work out.

I do my cardio in the evenings. Morning
is for business, for which I am late.

-If you'll excuse me....
-Does this feel like a sitcom?

-Feels like a reality show.
-Good, so I can vote you off.

Heh. It would almost be scary
if it wasn't wearing plaid.

SERENA: Wait. You guys didn't start
without me, did you?

-You didn't tell her yet?
-No.

-What? Tell me what?
-Well, we wanted to tell you in person.

We are planning a sweet-16 party
for you, here, tomorrow night.

Fantastic caterer
and beautiful flowers.

DJ. The perfect guest list.
We wanted it to be a surprise, though.

You had one of those last year.
It didn't go so well.

-Oh, Jenny cake.
-That's why...

...I was more than happy to delegate
to people who knew better.

So, what do you think?

[CHUCKLES]
Uh....

Wow.

-You're not excited.
-No, I am. I totally am.

But, okay, look. Last year,
I would've k*lled for a party like this...

...but this year, I don't know.
Things just seem different.

Like, okay. I was just kind of hoping
that it would be us and Vanessa...

...and Jonathan, and maybe
those two girls from my chem class...

...who didn't light my hair on fire
that one time.

[JENNY SIGHS]

I'm sorry. Is that okay?

I mean,
maybe you should try the cake first.

Of course it's okay. It's your birthday.
It's whatever you want.

Yeah. No, it's not a problem.
I'll just cancel.

I'm thinking my famous chili.

Maybe some board games.

Yeah, yeah.

But really, thank you so much
for thinking of me. It means a lot.

I'll just go cancel the caterer.

I should probably get to school.

[JENNY CLEARS THROAT]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

SERENA:
I don't understand.

Every culture in the world
has some version of a sweet-16 party.

It's like a universal rite of passage.

Well, since she got back to Constance,
Jenny hasn't made a lot of friends.

Downsizing the party
might have to do with the fear...

...that no one will show up.

Serena.

Word is out that your party
went from 60 to zero in the last hour.

We knew
you'd accept defeat gracefully.

-What?
-You cancelled Jenny's party...

...to move up Penelope's date.

Penelope's having a party
tomorrow night? Since when?

Since always. We were all going...

...but now we don't have to pretend
to feel bad about missing yours.

-Hey, P.
-Hey, girls.

How excited are you about the party?
I cannot wait.

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted: S learning
the answer to the age-old question:

What if you were throwing a party
and no one cared?

When that happens, don't cancel.

Poppy, hey. It's Serena.

You know that party
I was telling you about?

I was hoping we could meet up.
I need your help.

Make them eat cake.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I see you got the email I sent
from Nate's account.

His password has been "soccer"
since the fifth grade.

Look, Blair leaves his place
at this time every morning.

When you're ready to do something
about it, you know where I am.

And when you're not
from the Upper East Side...

...sometimes morning is just the start
to a very bad day.

[BELL RINGS]

I'm all for old habits dying hard,
but you and Nate?

Isn't that a bit been there, done that,
got dumped twice?

-Nate and I are platonic.
-I've seen you leave his place.

Oh, of course. You're stalking me.

If you were any good at it,
you would know I bring him breakfast.

We're just friends. We haven't shared
so much as a kiss, even.

Friends.

That makes total sense.

There's no spark between you.
Never was.

You're like a green twig
and a soggy match.

A rusty hammer and an icy nail.

Nate and I have had plenty of spark.
Better than that. Fireworks.

That was us.

Chuck...

...don't act like I didn't fight for you.

I did. Hard. And for a long time.

So please, forgive me if,
now that we're over, I'm exhausted.

-So you're with Nate because it's easy?
-I'm not with Nate...

...but if I was,
what's wrong with easy?

-Maybe it's easy because it's right.
-Really?

Is that why Nate is so reluctant
to break things off with Vanessa?

You do know
they're still dating, right?

RUFUS:
Try this.

Mm.

-Oh, wow, that's wonderful.
-Uh-huh.

Hey, is the Yale packet around, Dad?
I just wanted to look at the dorms.

Oh, jeez.
I think I left it at Lil's, sorry.

Oh, okay. That's all right.
I'll just get it tomorrow.

-Let me know if you two need help.
-Hmm.

Why'd you just lie to him?
The packet's right there.

Dan was denied financial aid at Yale.
Funds are limited, and these days...

...there are students
that need it more than we do.

I'm sorry.

Do you have savings?

Of course, but I planned on at least part
of his tuition being subsidized.

Well, I mean, I could help you out.

Thank you, but no.
As kind as it is for you to offer...

...I think I need to handle this
on my own. I just wish I had an idea.

Well, you could sell the loft...

...and then you'd have enough
for Dan's tuition, and then some.

This is where Dan and Jenny grew up.
Where would we live? On the streets?

Well, you could move in with me.

[CHOPPING]

-That's a big step, Lil.
-I know.

But I always thought
it's the next one for us anyway.

Are we ready for that?

Well, there's one way to find out.

Look, why don't you just talk
to an agent and see what they say?

BLAIR:
You know what I was just thinking?

Jennifer Aniston is totally fine now.

I'm sure Brad
doesn't even feel bad anymore.

Okay.

BLAIR: I'm sure that there was some
collateral damage, which is always sad...

...but his fate lay with Angelina,
and he knew that...

...so he had the tough conversation
and moved on.

This is your way of saying
I should break up with Vanessa?

-So me and you can.... Ah.
-Embrace our fate. Yes.

I wasn't gonna
tell you this until afterwards...

...but Vanessa called
a couple of hours ago...

...and she just wants to talk,
so I asked her to meet me for dinner.

But can't you just text?

No.

Well, what if, when you see her,
there's sparks, or fireworks even?

-They say break-up sex is--
-Hey, hey. Vanessa and I....

It feels over, and I'm sure
she's gonna tell me the same thing.

Listen, I promise I'll come straight over
after it's done.

On their trip to Africa, Brad and
Angelina's lovemaking was intense.

The guards thought
they were being attacked.

How about I just start by talking
to Vanessa and see where all this goes?

Sound good?

Sounds great.

Okay.

Oh, you must be Jenny.
It's so nice to meet you.

-I'm Poppy.
-Hi.

Serena, I wasn't expecting any of this.

Well, my mom wanted you
to have your dream dress.

We thought Missoni would be right,
so I brought a friend to help.

What about that one?

[CHUCKLES]

JENNY: I wish I was having the kind
of party where I could wear this dress.

I'm not, so....

I think-- I guess I'll just try this one.

Hey, thanks for meeting me.

After I saw you this morning,
I felt kind of terrible.

I'm in a rut, aren't I?

Yeah, well, a girl like you should be
on the arm of a designer on day...

...and yachting around the Maldives
the next...

...not making up and breaking up
with the same high-school boy...

...and feuding with your frenemy.

Ahh. I know. What can I do?

Well, this party would be a good place
to start.

Yeah, I thought that, but Jenny is just
really set on something more simple.

Any 16-year-old girl would love the kind
of party that you should be throwing.

Adult, elegant.
The right notables in attendance.

And you saw the way
that she looked at that dress.

She loves it.
She wants a party like this.

She just needs someone
to hold her hand a little.

[FOOTSTEPS]

So, what do you think?

We like that one better.

Okay, I guess I'll just try it on.

[CHUCKLING]

See? She loves it.
That's all the proof you need.

Now, it's not too late.

Why don't you start making
some phone calls?

Right this way.

Hi, it's Serena van der Woodsen.

I know my mom might've called you
this morning, but there's been a mistake.

The party's not cancelled.

It's still on, and actually,
it's gonna be bigger.

Hi.

Hey. Thanks for meeting me.
It's really good to see you.

I have a feeling you're not gonna like
what I have to say.

Hey, don't act surprised, V.

You saw this coming.
I mean, you left first.

I know, but....

I mean, I'm sure we could do something
to figure it all out if we tried.

Okay, well, at least we can end things
honestly, right?

Right.

If there's someone else, you can tell me.
Probably make things easier.

This is about you and me. No one else.

-Really?
-Yeah, really.

It's 10:30, Dorota.
What took him so long?

Maybe girl from Brooklyn cry.
Mr. Nate, nice boy. He wipe tears.

-He touch her hair. She touch his.
-Dorota.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Not that it's ever happened to me.

It's done.

-Oh.
-Oh.

-Don't look too happy.
-Oh, right. Sorry.

-Was it awful?
-No.

Things had come to a natural end, so....
It had nothing to do with anyone else.

Of course. It was just about you guys.

Hey, listen. It's getting late,
and I've had a really tough day...

...so how about tomorrow, okay?

We can hang out this weekend.

Pour that Dom down the drain, Dorota.

-Wait, is that the '96?
-What happened, Miss Blair?

He kissed me on the forehead.
Like Chevalier kissed Gigi.

Like he was a man
and I was a little girl.

No passion, no spark.

Maybe Chuck was right.

Maybe all Nate and I have together
is just history.

Poor B. It's hard to turn up the heat
with an old flame.

But stand back. Someone's about
to add fuel to this fire.

I have to say,
I was a little surprised when you called.

He had the nerve to say that there
was nothing between him and Blair.

The "just friends" speech. I got it too.

-They're making fools of us.
-Well, not anymore.

[LIQUID BOILING]

Mm.

Wow. You got a lot of board games.

We're going to a party,
not a b*mb shelter.

Yeah, well, I wanna have options.
Do you know if Vanessa's coming?

She and Nate broke up last night.
She's taking it pretty hard.

But she wants to come to the party.
Said she'd call.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

[PHONE RINGS]

That's probably her. Hello?

WOMAN: Mr. Humphrey?
It's Gail from Brooklyn Realty.

I wanted to schedule a time for
our appraiser to come out to your loft.

-Mr. Humphrey? Is this a bad time?
-Yeah. You know, I'll call you later.

-Not Vanessa?
-No.

We should probably
start getting ready.

Okay.

Wait, back up, Blair.
Nate and Vanessa broke up?

Well, they had a falling out
after the party.

Hadn't spoken for a week,
and broke up last night.

How do you know all this?
Have you dumped me for Vanessa?

No.

I've just been spending a lot of time
with Nate.

-Oh, where's this coming from?
-What?

You and Nate? After all
that you've been through?

You sure it's not just
because Nate's not Chuck?

I thought Chuck was my future
and Nate a part of my juvenile past...

...but Chuck was just something
I had to get out of my system...

...in order to realize
Nate was my destiny all along.

Well, if that's really how you feel,
then I'm happy for you.

It's not exactly
like I was rooting for Chuck.

And Nate is good for you. No drama.

Nate and I have plenty of drama
and sparks and fireworks.

Uh-huh.
When are you getting to my party?

You mean Jenny's party.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

So do you have any idea
what's going on out there?

B, I gotta go. I'm sorry.

Jenny's gonna love it.

Hey, Vanya.

"Guilty: Liberal 'Victims' and Their
as*ault on America" by Ann Coulter?

Dorota gave to me.
She said, "Important to know enemy."

It's okay.
I read to make Dorota happy.

-I have to say, I'm excited.
-Oh, you should be.

Dad only makes his chili
at very special occasions.

Well, not just about my birthday.
I mean, of course about my birthday...

...but you know,
Lily and Dad and all of us together.

I don't know.
Things seem to be going good.

Yeah. A little too good.

What? Since when
is good "too good"?

Dan?

You know that phone call
that wasn't Vanessa?

It was a real estate agent.
I think Dad might be selling the loft.

What? No. Where would we live?

Well, I'd be at college. I guess you
and Dad would be moving on up...

...to the East Side.
To a deluxe apartment.

Okay, yeah, funny. First of all, you need
to stop watching so many old sitcoms.

Second, Dad on the Upper East Side?
I mean, there's no way.

No. We can't live up here. We're....

Humphreys.

Damn straight.

[CHUCKLES]

-Grew up good. You know that?
-Yeah.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[LIVELY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Okay, it looks familiar, and yet....

-Not bad, little J.
-What are you doing here?

Once I heard Poppy Lifton was coming
to your party, I canceled mine.

In the last 20 minutes, I've been hit on
by two Bronfmans and a g*y designer.

It was so worth it.

Kudos on rising from the social grave.

Speaking of graves,
did something die in that pot?

It's cumin.

I liked my social grave. I dug it myself
and I was happy to lie in it.

What's going on? Why are they here?

I don't know.
This chili weighs a ton though.

I need to find a caterer.

[SERENA CHUCKLES]

Jenny, hey. I didn't see you come in.

How could you with all this going on.
Well done.

Happy birthday, Jenny.

Poppy, I didn't expect to see you.

-Hey, will you get us some drinks?
-Sure.

Well? Surprised?

Confused. I mean, what is all this?
Where's my dad and Lilly?

They're at Billy Elliot. Fifth row.

I told them a girl
only turns 16 once...

...and she needs to spend it
with her friends. My present to you.

Serena, I didn't want this.

I thought
you didn't want a social fiasco...

...where you planned something
and people didn't show.

This is perfect. I mean, Jenny,
all of these people are here for you.

Patrick. Hey, would you take a picture
with me and the birthday girl.

It's her birthday?

Enjoying my party?

I was just saying to Jonathan
that this is a lovely family gathering.

Nothing says Jenny Humphrey
like a customized c*ck napkin.

[ERIC CHUCKLES]

Eric, I don't get it.
Why would Serena hijack my birthday?

She was trying to do something nice.
Maybe she just got a little carried away.

Maybe she wanted
to prove to everyone...

...she can still throw a great party.

Well, she wants people to know
what a great party she can throw...

...why not tell everyone?

I came because I wanted to do
something besides feel sorry for myself.

But all it's been all day
is sleazy platitudes and...

...you staring at my boobs.

I came up with several excellent ideas,
you just shot most of them down.

Yeah, they all involved leaking a
Chuck-Vanessa sex tape to the Internet.

We don't have to leak the tape
if you don't want to.

Consistent. Twisted.

Why are they here?

What do we do?

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted: Two people
who should know better...

...and two people
who don't know what hit them.

[LOUD CHATTER]
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

MAN: What? No keg?
-Of course there's no keg.

Serena, who are these rowdy children?

I mean, I know Jenny's young,
but this is embarrassing.

SERENA:
I know, I know. I'm so sorry.

Just give me a minute
and I'll figure this out.

-We're leaving. You should come with.
-Trust me, I would love to get out.

I should deal
with the table dancers first.

-I'll catch up with you later.
-Do try. Just for your own good.

Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Jenny, Jenny. Please help me
get rid of these party crashers.

They're not crashing, Serena.
I invited them.

Well, you have your guest list
and I have mine.

Yeah, but this
can't be what you want.

Like you care what I want.

Jenny, I thought that when you got off
the elevator, you would be thrilled.

If you weren't, I'm sorry,
you should've said something.

Serena, I did. At breakfast.
And you clearly--

-Jenny and I are having our first fight.
-Strangers are having sex in your bed.

Oh, my God.

Wait, did you get that
out of my mother's closet?

The word he used was "haunting."

"A haunting sense of mediacy."
I love that.

Not bad. He's a smart guy, my fan.
He's a good writer.

-He's a good writer.
-Dan. Help.

-I'm in the middle of something.
-I need you in the middle of something.

Where's your boyfriend?

We're not a couple. Just physical.

I'll take your word for it.

But listen, whatever's going on
between you two...

...make sure Chuck doesn't
talk you into something you regret.

Whatever's going on with Chuck
wasn't his idea, it was mine.

At least he doesn't pretend to be
one thing when really he's another.

-You said there was no one else.
-There's not.

Blair's my friend.
Nothing's happened between us.

BLAIR:
Well, not yet.

But he's telling the truth.

Nate's a good guy. If you'd have
seen that, maybe you'd still be together.

-He's free, who knows what will happen.
-Exactly, we don't know.

-We're just hanging out.
-Sure, that's what people do at parties.

-But later when we're alone--
-Blair.

-We'll talk.
-What's there to talk about?

Do you guys wanna have
this conversation somewhere else, alone?

Why are you still standing here?

Blair, what are we doing in here?

You're not leaving this room
until we find out once and for all...

...if we're really just friends.

Well, don't just stare at me.
Do something.

Stop acting
like me being your friend...

...is some kind of plot
to humiliate you, okay?

Did you ever think that things
didn't work out between us...

...because we weren't friends?

You're right, Nate.

This week, you've become my friend.

It's amazing.

I've never wanted
to kiss my friend so much.

Hey, hey, hey. We're at a party
full of people in Chuck's room.

And he and Vanessa
are right behind the wall.

-Doesn't it excite you?
-Blair.

Ugh.

Don't.

Only my boyfriend
gets to touch my hair.

VANESSA:
They've been in there for a while.

What if all we did
is push them closer together?

You just need to relax.
Trust in the power...

...of our overwhelming sexual chemistry
to drive a wedge between them.

Go intercept him.

Looks like that went well.

You looking to be
more like Blair Waldorf?

Well, congratulations.
You've succeeded.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Poor V.

Nobody gets what they want
without losing something they love...

...like their integrity.

-Stains.
-Ooh. Gross.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I can't believe Jenny
would turn this sophisticated soiree...

...into a teenage rager.

You did turn a Scrabble
and sloppy-joe party...

...into a sophisticated soiree, so....

Not that the punishment
exactly fits the crime.

Well, maybe on some
entirely subconscious level...

...I was thinking of myself.

Well, yes.
It may have been somewhat conscious.

But I don't know,
my life has just felt so normal lately.

Getting back together with you
and breaking up again...

...fighting with Blair and then not.
It just all felt so high school.

We are in high school,
at least for a little while.

Old people seem oddly nostalgic
for this time in their lives.

Is it gonna make me sound like my dad
if I say you have the rest of life...

...to throw these parties.
This might be the last opportunity...

...to rouse naked strangers
from making love on your mattress.

Actually, that sounds a lot like college.

Serena, we have a problem.

How was I to know if I
threw you a party you'd sabotage it?

How was I supposed to know
how many kids would show up?

Parasites! Hooligans! Get!

[CROWD YELLING]

Vanya. Vanya, what's going on?

Rats with their cell phones,
over and over.

It's too much. Go home!

-Away before I--
-Call the cops.

[SIREN WAILS]

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

At least it scared everyone away.

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Hi, kids.

We're home.

God. Oh, my God.

Okay, Lil, deep breath.

Things definitely got out of hand,
but the kids are okay.

That may be the most important thing...

...but the second most important
is the apartment.

The furniture, the rugs, the art.

My closet.

I thought I recognized that dress.

Serena, how did this happen?

Mom, I admit
I made a few phone calls.

If you wanna punish someone
for the passed hors d'oeuvres?

Point the finger here,
guilty as charged.

But as far as all the people....

Oh, and you expect me to believe
that Jenny was behind this...

...after she had me cancel
the best caterer in town...

...because she wanted Clue
and a crock pot.

Mom, you could at least make
an attempt to mask your distaste.

Don't you dare leave me here
to clean up this mess, Serena.

When this was just me and Eric,
if things got out of control...

...it was a safe bet it was my fault.

-That's true.
-But as this family grows...

...so does the pool of suspects.
This is not my mess.

Okay, so whose mess is it?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

All I did was carry the chili and prevent
teenagers from having unprotected sex.

Serena may have had her own motives,
and I may have helped with the crowd...

...with a few inspirational words,
but....

[JENNY CLEARS THROAT]

I was the one who posted
the party on Gossip Girl.

Look, I'm sorry, Lily,
and I'm sorry Dad.

I don't know, maybe Serena
was trying to be nice.

But the party that she threw
was totally embarrassing.

Jenny, I don't understand.

It sounds to me like what
Serena put together was...

...delightful.

You know, at least last year
it was my face on the cake.

And the people at my party
might have hated me...

...but at least they knew who I was.

I know that it's hard
for you guys to understand.

But I like being me.
And as crazy as it may seem...

...I choose not to be a Park Avenue
princess on my birthday...

...or any other day.

No matter what my address might be.

What are you talking about, Jenny?

The real estate agent called today.

Dad, you and Lily
might want to live together...

...but I'm not ready
to stop being a Humphrey.

Wait, live together?

Teenage ragers,
annoying sort-of siblings...

...being yelled at by my mother.
This should not be my life.

POPPY:
It doesn't have to be, sweetie.

So what if your stock took a dip
in the last quarter. Whose didn't?

That doesn't mean
you can't still turn things around.

Well then what do you suggest?
And don't say to host another party.

No. Well, it sounds to me
like you need to get away.

Yes. Yes! Road trip.

[CHUCKLES]

I was thinking more like
a private jet to Spain.

Yeah, see, even my fantasies
are becoming dull.

Listen, Gabriel's parents' place
is insanely beautiful.

And the weather, and the food,
and Gabriel's hot friends.

-When do we leave?
-Tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?
-Mm-hm.

Oh, I....

I'm embarrassed to say this
but I think I might be grounded.

Serena. No.

I know. Yeah, I mean, you're right.

Yeah, I'm totally going to Spain.

-To España!
-To España!

-Whoo!
GOSSIP GIRL: Uh-oh.

Looks like someone's up to
their old tricks. And just in time, too.

[GOSSIP GIRL SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Here comes El Problema.

Ugh. I can't tell if it's chili
or if some kid threw up in here.

I'm grateful I could stay here
and wait it out...

...while an army of trained professionals
restores our home.

-Did you hear from Serena?
-She left a message...

...saying she was sleeping at Poppy's.

I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions,
been so hard on her.

And Jenny should have spoken up
sooner. Well, I'm really sorry.

And so is she, I know.

-About moving in--
-I think we might be moving a bit fast.

I love the idea of our family
sharing a place together.

One day.

It's gonna be complicated,
to say the least.

We need to find our way
and the kids need to find theirs.

We shouldn't let circumstance
impose a timeline.

I agree.

But what are you gonna do
about Dan and Yale?

-We'll figure something out.
DAN: Figure out what?

What do we need to figure out
between me and Yale?

I'm gonna go get dressed.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Wait, is that why
you were moving in with Lily?

To pay for my education?

Oh....

What happened?
Yale has great financial aid.

As of now, we're a low priority.
It's determined by need.

-We're not needy enough?
-It's all relative, Dan.

Well, what do we do?

I've never let money get in
the way of your education before.

We got some time. And you need
to stay positive about your future.

Did you call that kid
who sent you your fan letter?

Yeah, well, it was great for him
to reach out like that.

I'll give him a call.

Dan.

We'll figure out a way.

Oh, I-- I know.

I should have known
it was too good to last.

[SIGHS]

It's just, I was having so much fun
hanging out with a normal guy like Nate.

We may not have had
the drama or the electricity...

...but you know what we did have?

-Fun?
-Yes, Dorota.

Fun. Nate...

...he's so nice.
Being around him wasn't hard.

It didn't hurt. Until now.

I miss my friend Nate.

Maybe you get happy soon.

True. The ducks do soothe me.

Give me my loaf.

Mr. Nate called to ask
where your favorite spot.

That be where he want first kiss.

Is it true that you brought me here?

Well, you ran off
too quickly last night.

All I wanted to tell you...

...is that I do want to be with you.

Just not like that.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Excuse me. Do I know you?

Uh.... Uh, I don't think so. No.

I met you last year.
Around this time, actually.

You were with a friend of yours
and you were calling yourself Savannah.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. Mm.

-I got refreshments for the ride.
-Hey, yeah.

-Did you two introduce yourselves?
-Uh--

Not exactly. It's Serena.

I figured.

It's nice to meet you again.
I'm Gabriel.

Oh, my God.
We're gonna have so much fun.

Hold this. I gotta get my coat.

[RINGING]

WOMAN:
Scott.

Your phone!

Who does Scott know in Brooklyn?

No one.

-Hello?
-Hey, is this Scott?

Scott can't come to the phone.
Can I give him a message?

Yeah, this is Daniel Humphrey.
He wrote me a letter, so....

I guess if he wants to talk,
tell him he can give me a call back.

Certainly. I'll pass the message along.

Okay. Thank you.

So who was it?

Scott wrote a letter
to Rufus Humphrey's son.

-Why would he--?
-He knows.

How do you delete an incoming call?

GOSSIP GIRL:
Mistakes. We all make them.

They usually start
with the best of intentions.

Like keeping a secret
to protect someone.

I'll be just a second.

Or getting some distance
from the person you've become.

Sometimes we don't even know
what mistake we've made...

...to get us where we are.

Or we figure it out
just in time to make it right again.

But every mistake happens
for a reason:

To teach you a lesson
you would otherwise never learn.

You were going to leave
without saying goodbye.

I knew you were more like me
than you let on.

Chuck, it's morning now.
As in "cold light of."

As in, let's pretend
last night didn't happen.

We could just as easily
pretend that this didn't happen too.

And hopefully we never make
that mistake again.

So we're clear?

This is just between us,
and means nothing.

What means nothing?

Lucky for me, that never happens.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.