3x10 - The Last Days of Disco Stick

[bunniefuu]

Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

Someone set Tripp up to make him look like a hero.

You - This couldn't have worked any better.

My husband is a Congressman.

I have a crush on him.

Now I don't know if I can trust myself around him.

Something happened the night of the Shepherd wedding.

We're all aware what happened that night.

I think we got 14 out of 15.

I'm not going with just one more to go.

Gossip Girl - S03E10 "The Last Days Of Disco Stick" As a famed literary liar once told Oprah, memory is subjective.

Top of the morning.

Up top.

Yeah, there it is.

Memories can be embellished or denied.

Hey, Blair.

I don't know what you think you saw between me and Tripp, but nothing is happening.

But as James Frey knows all too well the truth always comes out.

This is my 30th message.

I don't want to fight anymore.

Please call me.

Here comes message 31.

Ugh.

I don't converse with liars or Lewinskys.

Come on.

Blair.

You don't know that you saw anything.

In the second grade, I saw our gym teacher giving Laverne Glazer's mom the glad eye.

Not only did it earn me the first "a++" for gym in Constance history, I learned that my sexual tension radar is unparalleled.

Point ceded.

So is beatnik back? Ew.

No.

I'm adding new recruits to my student army.

Apparently at N.

Y.

U.

, no one cares if your forefathers made pumpkin pie at Plymouth.

They only care if they made profits at Paramount.

Ahh.

The Tisch kids.

Spawn of moguls and movie stars.

Yesterday I sent a first edition "no exit" script to their leader, Paul Hoffman.

Today I'll secure the alliance.

Care to tag along? - Oh, I'd love to, but a high-ranking diplomat has asked me to show his son around New York.

I need to build up my continental clientele, so it looks like I'm statue of liberty-bound.

Oh, the sacrifices we make for success.

I'll think of a way to make your day less boring later.

What, a threesome? - Oh, yeah.

Just me, Olivia, Vanessa two girls, four boobs and one Dan Humphrey.

How awesome am I? - Oh, how stupid can you be? - What? - Buddy, okay, I know things.

II've been to Europe.

Chuck Bass is my best friend.

Yeah.

All right, the third person is supposed to be a stranger.

No, the fact that it was Vanessa is what made it so fun.

Okay, the problem is during a threesome, there's always a twosome and a onesome going on.

You know what? The onesome was not so bad.

Okay, you may have enjoyed the show, but let's face it, Vanessa is very vocal.

It couldn't have been easy for Olivia to hear all that.

No.

You know what? Olivia was fine.

We talked the next morning.

And so is Vanessa.

I mean, I haven't really seen her much, but, uh, I'm I'm sure she is.

Why are you being such a buzzkill? - Because you're lucky to have both of them in your life.

All right? Not only do I not have a girlfriend, ever since Serena and I stopped speaking, I don't even have a girl friend either.

You had both, and you blew it.

I did not.

I did not.

Okay.

Okay.

In fact, you know what? There she is, my still best friend.

Ah, perfect.

Abrams.

Hey, Dan.

I've barely seen you this week.

I feel like you've been avoiding me since No.

No, not at all.

Uh, tonight at the bowery I think Morrissey is playing.

So you want to go, just the two of us, for old times' sake? Yeah, I'd love it.

So I'll see you tonight? - Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Well, it didn't seem awkward at all.

Everything is it's fine.

It really is.

Give me a call if you need me, which you will.

Gaga's a Tisch alumni.

Even if she doesn't want to give a secret concert at the Bleecker, at least show me the courtesy of writing back.

Are you guys talking about Lady Gaga? No, Blair.

I'm talking about Gaga Ahmadinejad, First Lady of Iran.

That's funny.

You know who likes sarcasm? My stepfather, Cyrus Rose, big-time entertainment lawyer.

Maybe he could talk her into doing a show.

Uh, Blair, we all know who my father is, and this girl here is Willa Weinstein.

If our fathers can't help us, I doubt Cyrus Rose, whom I've never heard of, can.

What are you guys doing for cabaret tonight? Fairy-tale theme is hard.

Don't want to be trite.

Cabaret? I love cabaret and fairy tales.

Princesses, queens - Uh, sorry, Blair.

It's my cabaret, and it's by invitation only.

All the spots are filled by serious theater students.

I don't care how much money they're offering.

K.

C.

, "b*tches of Eastwick" is a terrible idea.

It's like "Heathers," but with witches.

I ever since "E.

K.

4" isn't happening, she's literally pushing me to take anything.

Yeah, well, I thought well, I'd hoped that you'd, uh, you'd stick around now.

Well, that's my plan.

I'm so happy here, You know, with my classes, and I have you.

And Vanessa.

And Vanessa.

And if I want to act, I can do it here at N.

Y.

U.

, - You know, with the best theater department in the whole country.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, you know, speaking of Tisch, um, tell me if I'm crazy, but I was thinking of applying to the, uh, playwriting program for next year.

Dan, I don't think that's crazy at all.

I would have to write a play by this Christmas break.

Well, I'll help you with your application tonigh I would love that, but, uh, tonight Vanessa and I are gonna go see Morrissey at the bowery.

It's a tradition we've had since seventh grade.

You know, we wear tight shirts, we through gladiolus on stage.

Um, it's okay, right? Yes, of course.

It's tradition.

I'm gonna go grab a coffee, okay? I'll see you later.

Okay, uh I thought we were gonna grab coffee together.

What about Brad Alexander? His mother said he's single.

Uh, yeah, 'cause he gave six girls from Nightingale the gonorrhea of the throat last year.

What are you two doing? Oh, we're trying to find Jenny a date for the horticultural society gala.

Don't worry, dad.

I'm over Upper East Side guys.

I'm looking to expand my horizons.

I'll be just a minute.

Charles, how are you? Can I get you a cup of coffee? Thanks, but I'm on my way to the planetarium.

I was just dropping off those papers you needed.

Thank you.

Did Chuck Bass just say he was going to the planetarium? Mm-Hmm.

I'm entertaining a hotel guest, the son of an ambassador.

He's waiting in the foyer.

Well, maybe jenny could show him around.

You did say you wanted to expand your horizons.

Yeah.

I can do it.

But you owe me.

With pleasure.

What is gonorrhea of the throat? Olivia.

Just the starlet i was hoping to find.

Hi, blair.

Uh, dorota need to use my outlet for your towel warmer again? Actually, i have a question.

How do i win over shallow, superficial actors? Calling them "shallow" and "superficial" didn't work? I'm serious.

they're all doing this cabaret thing tonight.

I wasn't even invited.

not that i have anything to perform.

Well, you're in luck.

i-i was invited.

I guess being a movie star has a certain cache.

I may have read that at the dentist.

More importantly, i am dating a guy who needs an opportunity to write a play.

He'll just need to clear his schedule first.

Hey.

tripp.

Uh, how are you? I was, uh, just leaving you a note about the, uh, "observer" article.

Oh.

great.

I thought you wouldn't be here, which is what it said on your schedule.

Right.

um, my meeting ended early.

Good.

yeah.

Then you'll have time to read my note.

You know, this, um, this really shouldn't be so awkward.

It won't be for too long.

Big move to d.

c.

tomorrow.

I thought that wasn't until january.

Maureen wanted to be there for the holidays-- The parties, the networking.

It's probably for the best, though.

I've been pretty Distracted.

yeah, tell me about it.

Uh, last week Nothing happened.

Then why does it feel like it did? Maybe we should just, uh Avoid each other until you leave.

There you two are.

Honey.

i just found out they had to move the freshman spouses luncheon.

Um, so i'd have to leave in an hour.

is that okay? yeah, of course.

I'll see you tomorrow.

i'll just have jeanne finish packing.

But all that's left is the home office.

Serena should help you.

There's some private family stuff, and i trust you That's not really in serena's job description.

She doesn't mind.

do you? Now who wants to take their favorite wife to brunch? don't forget yourself, congressman.

your marriage could wind up in "a million little pieces.

" Mom, i know how much you love grandfather.

and i get it.

It's not like i haven't forgiven my father a few times.

But do not let him manipulate you.

He was the one behind the hudson thing.

Who else could it be? hello? nate? I'm sorry.

mom? Yeah, i'd love to hear your new information, But, um, listen, i gotta go.

I'll call you later, okay? I know i'm not your favorite person right now, But it's me, nate, and--and there's no one else i can talk to about this.

I, uh I think i may be about to get involved with a married man.

Why am i the only one you can talk to? Because it's tripp.

Vanessa, hey.

Hey.

i figured you'd be back to get some clean clothes at some point.

yeah.

I know, we've barely seen each other.

Dan and i have just been busy, you know? So You're not.

.

Avoiding me because of the whole What? oh, my god.

Uh, no.

i Come on.

No.

Okay, great, because i was totally freaking out before i ran into dan this morning.

But he was the same old dan.

You know, tonight we're going to, like, our fifth morrissey show, And i still have tickets from our first one in seventh grade.

um, actually I feel really bad about that.

Um, a month ago, i signed dan and me up for the bleecker inn cabaret, and it's tonight.

Um, we would totally blow it off, But dan wants to apply to tisch, and it's just really great exposure for him.

oh, yeah.

Okay.

Sorry about morrissey.

I just don't get it.

i mean, tripp? really? Two months ago, you were all over carter baizen.

Tripp has sacrificed so much to get where he is.

I mean, we all have.

he can't just throw it away for you.

Yeah, and he's fighting it, and so am i.

I can literally feel my heart thump when i see him.

I haven't felt this way since i was 13, with jude law in "alfie.

" Yeah, well, you're not 13 anymore, serena.

You know, i thought that, uh, whatever happened between us I could still count on you, But i guess i was wrong.

Hey.

You're right.

i'm sorry.

You can count on me, always.

So, belgium, huh? I bet they have really good waffles.

My family's really into waffles.

yeah, i've barely tasted them.

We left when i was 4 so my father could work on the oslo accord.

he worked on the oslo accord? that sounds major.

Yeah, clearly more major than being a father, but right.

So, uh, what do you want to do? there's the boathouse for lunch, Or we could walk on over to jean georges.

Or we could walk on over to jean georges.

It'll be fun.

Oh, my god.

don't--don't look now, but those are--those are the chapin mean girls.

hi.

they're gonna die of jealousy.

Toy sail--sailboats? Really? Come on.

it might be cool in belgium, But in manhattan, only little kids do that.

You have eight hours to write and rehearse Your reimagined fairy tale before tech.

Lots of tisch faculty and alums will be there, plus my legit agent.

So, please, don't embarrass me.

Good luck.

See? - yeah, you're--yeah, you're right.

you're right.

This is gonna be a great opportunity.

All right, so which fairy tale do you think i should-- - Totally "snow white.

" sorry i'm late.

Uh, uh, what? What is she doing here? Silly.

i'm the producer, costar and director.

Yeah, it was-- it was her idea, actually.

My brilliant idea.

A musical featuring the songs of tisch alumna lady gaga.

Paul loves his gaga.

I'm gonna go pick his brain about what songs he'd think work best thematically.

Okay.

umWhat's-- what's going on here? You want me to cancel on vanessa, who's gonna be justifiably furious, to--to write a "snow white"/ lady gaga musical to be directed by blair waldorf? listen, i know that her idea is--is kind of out of the box, but if you pull this off, everyone's gonna be talking about it.

And i talked to vanessa.

she's totally cool about tonight.

Wait.

s-so you already told her? I-i ran into her in--in our room, and she was fine.

i promise.

leave a message, and i might listen to it.

Chuck, could you find another way to drum up business? Because this belgian bore has been playing in the park for the past half-hour with his dinghy.

i have a reputation.

All right.

all set.

what now? balloon animals? By the way, you took the wrong boat.

Uh, no.

actually, this is, uh, the one with the cash.

Mine had the "e" in it.

what? Sorry if i was boring you.

you still want to get some lunch and we can go find those, uh, chapin girls? Okay, man, so--so get this.

i had plans with vanessa tonight, Right? but then olivia signed me up to do this cabaret thing with her and blair.

oh, yeah.

that's post-threesome stage one, wherein one, if not both girls, Try to prove to the other who you belong to.

All right, so what do i do? - oh, you gotta prove to olivia that you and vanessa are still just friends, despite the fact that you've seen each other's business.

You good? - yeah, thanks, man.

All right, later.

Oh.

dan.

girl problems.

You don't even want to know.

It sounds like you're everyone's therapist today.

Yeah, well, affairs with married people, love triangles-- Just so happens everyone's problems are well within my area of expertise.

Okay, you ready? Serena, hey.

Uh, what do you like on your pizza? Actually, i'm--i'm not coming over.

I had a feeling you'd call.

I can't say i'm not disappointed, though.

Come on, tripp.

You know it's not a good idea for us to be alone all night.

No, you're right.

I don't want to go without saying good-bye.

Could we maybe just get some lunch? Lunch? yeah.

i--you know, i Um i actually don't think That i can.

but travel safe, congressman.

Bye.

Good work.

i'm gonna be here to keep you strong.

Until tripp leaves, i'm not gonna let you out of my sight.

Mr.

van der bilt, mrs.

archibald is here to see you.

My aunt? - I'm kind of busy.

can she come back later? - No, she said it was important.

I thought you had a play to write.

listen, i'm sorry about morrissey, But i told olivia this morning that i wanted to apply to tisch, and so she saw this cabaret thing, and she signed us up.

Wait.

This morning? - Yeah You know, it had nothing to do with our plans tonight.

I mean, this is -- it's a big opportunity for me.

Of course.

Yeah, so, um, I-I'm gonna need your help.

Inspired by miss GaGa's lyrics, I've written a stirical commentary.

About fame, glamour and our society's obsession with the shiny new thing.

Humphrey, I'm surprised.

This isn't horrible.

You play the aging queen, a fading but talented rock star who earned her success.

Olivio, snow white, a young up-and-comer who's trying to steal the queen's thunder - by being outrageous and sexy.

I like it.

Yeah.

Uh, Amalia, Sophie, twins You're the struggling dwarf boy band.

I'll be prince of charming records, trying to find his next big pop star.

so i, you know, I think it, uh, i think it kinda works.

don't get too c*ck, humphrey.

We still have your subpar acting to deal with.

Let's meet back here in a half an hour.

Everyone off book so i can block.

actually, i've found a more experienced director More suited to the project.

julie taymor? close.

No.

vanessa? V.

, i am so stupid for not thinking of you earlier.

We're so lucky to have you to bring dan's amazing words to life.

Wait until you read this.

i already did.

dan always shows me early drafts of his work.

Well--well, i mean, i, you know, I had to get her onboard, show her somethin'.

Great.

well, if you need any pointers, I've worked with some of the world's best directors.

sure.

If i want to turn anyone into a bat, i'll--i'll let you know.

Thank you.

Dan? - yeah? When girls live together, Sometimes their cycles sync up.

No hormones-- not yours or theirs-- Will get in the way of my cabaret.

It'll be fine, blair.

What exactly does an upper east side queen do? You wear designer clothes And boss people around? No.

I go to parties and openings and stuff.

Where you wear designer clothes and boss people around? sounds like kind of a yawn.

Well, yeah, I guess compared to being an international drug dealer.

What's the deal with that anyway? I mean, you don't need the money.

Your dad's an ambassador, right? exactly, which means we don't have to go through customs, They don't search our bags when we come in from the hague.

Besides of the added satisfaction of knowing my father would have to suffer if i were ever caught.

A little bit of danger is what makes life worth living, And you had your very first taste today, queen jenny.

It was kind of thrilling.

if you mean that, some friends are gonna meet me a little later to refuel my boat.

You in? High school was so much easier.

yeah, in some ways.

well, i wasn't attracted to married men.

Yeah, but i was.

Well, not-- not men, obviously.

Lady Catherine-- that was my first experience being someone's fake girlfriend.

Who knew i'd do it as a profession? - Well, if it makes you feel any better, you were a great fake girlfriend.

Oh, my god.

You got It's, like, all over your-- No.

No.

No.

No.

It's, like, you got-- No.

It's like just-- Here.

Stop.

You're good.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh.

It's, uh, it's Tripp.

Oh, you can't.

But what if it's important? Serena, just give me the phone.

Now you can't talk about him or think about him or see him.

What--What are you gonna do, tie me to a chair until his plane leaves? I'm gonna take you on a bar crawl, and we are getting drunk.

Okay, like, really, really drunk.

Deal? - Deal.

You're the best.

Oh, snow, have this apple martini before your VMA Performance tonight.

I promise it's not poisoned.

Okay, dwarves, that's your cue.

You know, i think the dwarves should be in the front.

Okay.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Um, no one's gonna be able to see me.

Yeah, well, this moment really is about the dwarves, right Dan? Yeah, well, i mean, It's called "snow white," so technically it's Of course you would take her side.

What? - Well, he's right.

I'm not standing in the back.

It was just a suggestion.

Boxing me out is one of vanessa's favorite activities.

What did you say? - All right.

Okay, girls, let's calm down, talk rationally.

You're the one who signed up for this cabaret to box me out.

Are you kidding me? You're the one who boxed me out today, with your morrissey plans.

And that night.

What? - What are you talking about? Vanessa, you're in love with Dan, - and everybody here knows it.

It is true.

Olivia, that-- That's crazy.

Come on.

Okay, i don't need to put up with any of this.

I quit.

Oh, no, you don't.

I quit.

What is going on? Did you bozos have a threesome or something? Oh, god.

How stupid can you be? The third person is always supposed to be a stranger.

Blair, look, this is my mess.

I can-- I'm-- I'm gonna go talk to t he girls.

In which order? Hmm? Exactly.

You're gonna have to tech all by yourself.

I have an army to build, a school to take over and girls to blackmail.

Uh-Oh, playwright.

Better whip out your pen.

It looks like this cabaret just became a one-Man show.

Olivia, I'm not asking you to do cabaret for me.

I'm asking you to do it for all the tweens of this world.

My fans don't care if i do cabaret.

But they'll care if they hear their favorite queen of the dead had a M�nage with disgusting Dan Humphrey and his celebutante girlfriend.

Do you really want everyone here to know that alterna-Chick Abrams is literally a star? First i'll text TMZ then Gossip Girl.

Oh, and the town crier in nowheresville, vermont, so your parents find out.

So What's it gonna be? Do you realize we haven't been out drinking alone since, - uh.

Since the shepherd wedding.

Yeah, - the night that everything changed.

Yeah.

Maybe we should get some food and sober up before something happens.

Come on, Nate.

It's been three and a half years.

I can control myself if you can.

Another round, please.

You got it.

Saved by the bell.

Hold on one second.

I'll be, uh, i'll be right back.

Hey.

Nate.

I just found out Grandfather wasn't behind "hudson hero.

" It was maureen.

your mom just told me.

no.

you're kidding me.

i'm so sorry, nate.

i let you take the fall.

what are you--don't worry about me, tripp.

it's you.

what are you gonna do? i don't know.

i can never trust her again.

i don't know if i even want to see her again.

of course, you're angry.

okay, tripp, but she's your wife.

all right? any kind of separation this early in the term could affect your reelection.

reelection is the last thing on my mind right now.

i just need to clear my head.

but you're out.

no, i'm just at the brandy library with a friend.

listen, hang in there, and i'll call you later, okay? was that dan again? Yeah, the guy's got the most complicated love life.

how about that round? now there's the nate i remember.

oh, by the way, eugene, uh, jenny.

jenny, eugene.

hi, nice to meet you.

cool.

see you, boss.

good.

my guy is here.

here here? like he's coming over to the table? where would you suggest we do it? in the alley, with the cops and the cameras? i understand if you want to leave or, you know, go to a-another table.

no.

i'm good.

granny why are your teeth so big? what if they don't show up? they will.

oh, that's the "show must go on" spirit.

we're up next.

i'm gonna go make sure the dwarves are ready.

and i have a little treat for paul i need to set up.

hey.

i'm--i'm glad you decided to come tonight.

well, blair didn't really give me much choice.

look, uh, vanessa and i are just friends.

she has no feelings for me.

i'm positive.

in fact, i made the same mistake when you went to japan.

so, you know, whatever you think you saw during our--our thing, - uh, it wasn't from her.

yeah, no.

you're right.

right.

see? i told you.

it wasn't from her.

it was from you.

i sat up to take my shirt off.

i look over, and you were looking at vanessa like you've never looked at me.

and then you kissed her, like - like you've never kissed me.

no.

that's that little thing? that was hardly even a kiss.

that you even know what i'm talking about proves that it happened.

if you just let yourself, you'll see that your feelings for her are real and you should stop kidding yourself.

hey, prince charming.

looks like it's time for you to look in the enchanted mirror.

platinum record on the wall, who's the most talented of us all? though your voice is as clear as day, your dance moves are quite pass? And Snow White's youth and sex appeal means she'll get the record deal.

* She's Pitch * SHE'S TONE-DEAF SHE'S TONE-DEAF * i am bitchy.

* My, what talent you small people have.

If only there were a vampy young vixen to front you, we'd all be swimming in online sales.

Luckily I happen to be dating one.

* I wanna kiss you * * But if I do, then I might miss you, babe * * It's complicated and stupid * * Got my a*s squeezed by sexy cupid * * Guess he wants to play, wants to play * * A love game, a love game * * A love game, a love game, a love game * * A love game, a love game, a love game * So you guys met at boarding school? That's cool.

What? Right.

Yeah, eighth grade, Le Rosey.

Good times.

Yeah.

Um, it was nice to meet you.

I'm gonna use the ladies room.

No, no, no.

Hey, sit down.

Don't go empty-handed.

Here.

Just, uh, test the product, yeah? That won't be necessary.

Ch Chuck, what are you doing here? After I got your message, I had housekeeping do an early turndown service on Damien's room.

That's where they found his stash.

I've had my own experience in the boat pond.

I'm taking you home.

You and your father have until noon to collect your luggage.

After that, it's in the river.

Chuck, you're totally overreacting.

I'm really fine.

Dude, the lady said she's fine.

Dude I'm Chuck Bass.

Even Europeans must know what that means.

Well, now that i've added a disco-electro pop beat to Snow White's love ballad and put your voices through auto-tune, It's time to take over the land.

Let's have some fun.

This beat is sick.

* I wanna take a ride on your disco stick * That's her cue.

Where the hell is she? I have no idea.

* I wanna take a ride on your disco stick * Well well, y you know what? The disco stick tends to be an unreliable form of transportation.

It, uh, it breaks down a lot.

What what are you doing? - Get in.

Yes.

Oh Prince, here I am Snow White.

Oh.

And I and I got plastic surgery and colored my hair, like you suggested.

Oh, right.

Right.

Well, you look fantastic.

You know, it took me a long time to get over what happened with us that night.

I actually, uh Well two years ago at the masquerade ball, I tried to tell you I loved you.

It turns out I told Jenny Humphrey.

She was wearing your mask.

You you loved me? Of course I did.

Serena, you're the most beautiful, amazing, alive person I've ever known.

Nate.

I hope I'm not interrupting something.

Platinum record on the wall, it's me now who have it all.

Just as long as true love's kiss doesn't wake this coked-up miss.

Oh, if only the prince would kiss her we could be international backup dancers on her world tour.

There he is now! Yes.

You have to kiss her.

Kiss her! What are you doing? Uh Snow White is alive! So Snow White lives.

But are Dan and Olivia dead? Blair, it was amazing.

You surprised us all.

Speaking of which, I have a surprise for all of you.

And, uh, Dan, if you ever think of applying to the playwriting program, let me know if you want me to read your sample, give some notes.

Oh, wow.

Oh, thank you so much.

Yeah, I'm gonna take you up on that offer.

Everyone, follow me.

So maureen, uh wow.

I, um, I can't believe she did that.

I called her.

She admitted it.

You okay? Not really.

My wife isn't who I thought she was, and neither's my marriage.

Nate, thanks for hearing me out earlier.

You're a great friend.

Yeah, well any time.

Wait.

Nate, you knew? Why didn't you say anything to me? - I - Look, Serena, I don't know anything anymore.

I just know I don't want to be alone.

Could we take a walk? Yeah.

Hey, wait.

Serena, I didn't tell you about Maureen because Tripp's a married man.

If you go with him now, you're gonna cross the line.

Thank you for everything, Nate, really, but that line just got a little blurry.

I don't get it.

What is all this? You may never have heard of Cyrus Rose before, but Lady Gaga certainly has.

Back when she was still at Tisch, they used to play cards together.

Who do you think "Poker Face" is about? That's why she's letting us see her dress rehearsal.

Hey, Olivia.

Whwhere have you been? You kind of abandoned me out there.

I know.

Sorry.

I knew Vanessa would step in, And I needed you to kiss her.

Yeah, which I did, because I had to for the play.

I mean, you you made me do it.

You can't be mad.

You can't judge what happened if you didn't see it.

I didn't need to.

You were the one that needed to kiss her again, to realize for yourself that your feelings for her are real.

Anyway, uh, I just got off the phone with K.

C.

, and she kinda convinced me to take that witch movie.

What? Olivia, you can't you can't leave like this.

I read the script.

It's actually pretty good.

I'll be back in the fall.

There you are.

Look we're gonna have to talk about it.

We saw each other naked, and there's no going back.

But we're friends.

So, Olivia, I apologize for how I acted during rehearsal.

But I don't like Dan like that, and I haven't in years.

rs.

Right? Yeah.

Yeah, she's right.

And, you know, - Hey, Vanessa.

I think Paul Hoffman kinda likes me.

Look, I get the whole "Sullen teenager pushing an envelope" thing.

I've pushed a pack.

But you're better than that Damien guy.

Look, I may be queen, but I'm more lonely and bored than I was when I lived in Brooklyn.

And being with him is exciting.

And dangerous.

Please.

It takes one to know one.

I saw that look in your eye the very first day you came on my radar.

And what so-called look would that be? Be very careful, Jennifer Humphrey.

If you go down the rabbit hole, it's going to take moreit's going to take more than Blair Waldorf and your army of minions to drag you back out.

So what, you're gonna walk me to my room and make sure I don't get into any trouble? Just try not to run into any euro dealers in the kitchen.

Are you okay? Sometimes it's after the curtains closethat the real reckonings come.

Message sent Whether it's about who we wish we were or who we wish we could be or who we want.

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL:
As a famed literary liar once told Oprah:

"Memory is subjective."

Top of the morning.

-Up top. Yeah, there it is.
MAN: Huh?

GOSSIP GIRL:
Memories can be embellished. Or denied.

[MACHINE BEEPS OVER PHONE]

Hey, Blair, I don't know
what you think you saw...

...between me and Tripp,
but nothing is happening.

GOSSIP GIRL: But as James Frey knows
all too well, the truth always comes out.

This is my 30th message
I don't wanna fight anymore.

Please call me. Here comes message 31.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Ugh. I don't converse with liars
or Lewinskys.

Come on, Blair, you don't know
that you saw anything.

In the second grade,
I saw our gym teacher...

...giving Laverne Glazer's mom
the glad eye.

Not only did it earn me...

...the first A-plus-plus for gym
in Constance history...

...I learned that my sexual-tension radar
is unparalleled.

Point ceded. So is beatnik back?

Ew. No. I'm adding new recruits
to my student army.

At NYU, no one cares if your forefathers
made pumpkin pie at Plymouth.

They only care if they made profits
at Paramount.

Ah, the Tisch kids.

Spawn of moguls and movie stars.

Yesterday I sent a first edition No Exit
script to their leader, Paul Hoffman.

Today, I'll secure the alliance.
Care to tag along?

Oh. I'd love to.

But a high ranking diplomat has asked
me to show his son around New York.

I need to build up
my continental clientele...

...so it looks like
I'm Statue of Liberty-bound.

Oh, the sacrifices we make
for success.

We'll think of a way
to make your day less boring later.

NATE: A threesome?
-Oh, yeah.

Just me, Olivia, Vanessa. Two girls,
four boobs, one Dan Humphrey.

-How awesome am I?
-Oh. How stupid can you be?

-What?
-Buddy, okay, I know things.

I've been to Europe.
Chuck Bass is my best friend.

[DAN GROANS]

All right. The third person
is supposed to be a stranger.

The fact it was Vanessa's
what made it fun.

Problem is, during a threesome...

...there's always a twosome
and a onesome going on.

You know what,
the onesome was not so bad.

Okay, you may've enjoyed the show.

Vanessa is very vocal. Couldn't have
been easy for Olivia to hear all that.

Olivia was fine.
We talked the next morning.

And so is Vanessa. I mean, I haven't
really seen her much, but I'm sure she is.

-Why are you being such a buzz-k*ll?
-You're lucky to have them in your life.

Not only do I not have a girlfriend...

...ever since Serena and I stopped
speaking, I don't have a girl friend either.

You had both, and you blew it.

I did not. I did not.

In fact, you know what, there she is.
My still-best friend.

Ah. Perfect.

-Abrams.
-Hey, Dan.

I've barely seen you this week.

Feel like you've been avoiding me
since....

No, no, not at all.

Tonight at the Bowery I think Morrissey
is playing.

So you wanna go, just the two us,
for old times' sake?

Yeah, I'd love it.

-So I'll see you tonight?
-Yeah, of course, yeah.

-Sorry.
-Ha, ha.

Well, that didn't seem awkward at all.

Everything is-- It's fine. It really is.

Give me a call if you need me.
Which you will.

[DAN CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

PAUL:
Gaga's a Tisch alumna.

Even if she doesn't wanna give
a concert at the Bleecker...

...at least show me the courtesy
of writing back.

You talking about Lady Gaga?

No, Blair. I'm talking about
Gaga Ahmadinejad, first lady of Iran.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

That's funny.

You know who likes sarcasm?

My stepfather, Cyrus Rose,
big-time entertainment lawyer.

Maybe he could talk her
into doing a show?

Blair, we all know who my father is.
And this girl here is Willa Weinstein.

If our fathers can't help us...

...I doubt Cyrus Rose,
whom I've never heard of, can.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

What are you guys doing
for cabaret tonight?

Fairy-tale theme is hard.
Don't wanna be trite.

Cabaret? I love cabaret. And fairy tales.

Princesses. Queens.

Sorry, Blair, it's my cabaret,
and it's by invitation only.

All the spots are filled
by serious theater students.

I don't care how much money
they're offering.

K.C., b*tches of Eastwick
is a terrible idea.

It's like Heathers, but with witches.

Ever since EK4 isn't happening...

...she's literally pushing me
to take anything.

Yeah, well, I thought--
I'd hoped that you'd stick around now.

Well, that's my plan.

I'm so happy here.

-With my classes and I have you.
-And Vanessa.

And Vanessa.

And if I wanna act,
I can do it here at NYU...

...with the best theater department
in the country.

Absolutely. You know,
speaking of Tisch, tell me if I'm crazy...

...I was thinking of applying
to the playwriting program for next year.

-Dan, I don't think that's crazy at all.
-I'd have to write a play by Christmas.

-I'll help you tonight.
-I would love that.

But Vanessa and I are gonna see
Morrissey at the Bowery.

It's a tradition since 7th grade.

We wear tight shirts,
we throw gladiolus on stage.

Um, it's okay, right?

Yes. Of course. It's tradition.

I'm gonna grab a coffee, okay?
I'll see you later.

Okay, uh--

All right, I thought we were
gonna grab coffee together.

[SIGHS]

LILY:
What about Brad Alexander?

His mother said he's single.

Uh, because he gave six girls
from Nightingale...

-...gonorrhea of the throat last year.
LILY: Ah!

-Okay.
-What are you doing?

Trying to find Jenny a date
for the Horticultural Society Gala.

Don't worry, Dad,
I'm over Upper East Side guys.

I'm looking to expand my horizons.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

LILY:
Charles, how are you?

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Thanks, I'm on my way
to the planetarium.

-I was just dropping off those papers.
-Thank you.

Did Chuck Bass just say
he was going to the planetarium?

I'm entertaining a hotel guest.
Son of an ambassador.

He's waiting in the foyer.

Well, maybe Jenny
could show him around.

You did say you wanted
to expand your horizons.

Uh....

Yeah, I can do it.

But you owe me.

With pleasure.

What is gonorrhea of the throat?

Olivia.
Just the starlet I was hoping to find.

Hi, Blair.

Dorota need to use my outlet
for your towel warmer again?

Actually, I have a question. How do
I win over shallow, superficial actors?

Calling them shallow and superficial
didn't work?

I'm serious. They're all doing
this cabaret thing tonight.

I wasn't even invited.

Not that I have anything to perform.

Well, you're in luck. I was invited.

I guess being a movie star
has a certain cachet.

I may have read that at the dentist.

More importantly, I am dating a guy who
needs an opportunity to write a play.

He'll just need
to clear his schedule first.

Hey, Tripp. Uh, how are you?

I was just leaving you a note
about the Observer article.

Oh. Great.

I thought you wouldn't be here.

Which is what it said on your schedule.

Right. Um, my meeting ended early.

Good. Then you'll have time
to read my note.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You know,
this really shouldn't be so awkward.

And it won't be for too long.

Big move to D.C. tomorrow.

I thought that wasn't until January.

Maureen wanted to be there
for the holidays. Parties. Networking.

It's probably for the best, though.

I've been pretty distracted.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, tell me about it.

Last week....

Nothing happened.

Then why does it feel like it did?

Maybe we should just avoid, uh,
each other until you leave.

Yeah.

There you two are.

[MAUREEN CHUCKLES]

Honey, I just found out they had to
move the freshman spouses' luncheon.

So I'd have to leave in an hour.
Is that okay?

Of course. I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll have Jeanne finish packing.

But all that's left is the home office.

Serena should help you.

There's some private family stuff
and I trust you.

Um....

That's not really
in Serena's job description.

She doesn't mind. Do you?

Now, who wants to take
their favorite wife to brunch?

GOSSIP GIRL:
Don't forget yourself, congressman.

Your marriage could wind up
in a million little pieces.

Mom, I know how much you love
Grandfather. I get it.

It's not like I haven't
forgiven my father a few times...

...but do not let him manipulate you.

He was the one behind the Hudson thing.
Who else could it be?

SERENA:
Hello? Nate?

I'm sorry, Mom.

Yeah, I'd love to hear your new
information, but listen, I gotta go.

I'll call you later, okay?

I know I'm not your favorite person
right now.

But it's me, Nate. And there's
no one else I can talk to about this.

Uh....

I think I may be about to get involved
with a married man.

Why am I the only one you can talk to?

Because it's Tripp.

[SIGHS]

-Vanessa. Hey.
-Hey.

I figured you'd be back to get
clean clothes at some point.

Ha, ha. Yeah, I know.
We've barely seen each other.

Dan and I have just been busy,
you know?

So you're not avoiding me
because of the whole....

What? Oh, my God, uh, no. Come on. No.

Great. Because I was totally freaking out
before I ran into Dan this morning.

But he was the same old Dan.

You know, tonight we're going to,
like, our fifth Morrissey show?

And I still have tickets
from our first one in 7th grade.

[VANESSA CHUCKLES]

Actually, I feel really bad about that.
Um....

A month ago, I signed Dan and me up
for the Bleecker Inn cabaret.

And it's tonight.

Um, we would totally blow it off,
but Dan wants to apply to Tisch...

...and it's just really great
exposure for him.

-Oh. Yeah.
-Okay.

Sorry about Morrissey.

I just don't get it. I mean, Tripp, really?

Two months ago
you were all over Carter.

Tripp has sacrificed so much
to get where he is.

I mean, we all have.

He can't just throw it away for you.

Yeah, and he's fighting it. And so am I.

I can literally feel my heart thump
when I see him.

I haven't felt this way since I was 13,
with Jude Law in Alfie.

Yeah, well, you're not 13 anymore,
Serena.

You know, I thought that
whatever happened between us...

...I could still count on you,
but I guess I was wrong.

Hey.

[NATE SIGHS]

You're right. I'm sorry.
You can count on me always.

So Belgium, huh?

I bet they have really good waffles.

-My family's really into waffles.
-I've barely tasted them.

We left when I was 4 so my father
could work on the Oslo Accord.

He worked on the Oslo Accord?
That sounds major.

Yeah, clearly more major
than being a father, but.... Heh.

Right. So, what do you wanna do?

There's the Boathouse for lunch, or
we could walk on over to Jean Georges.

You know, I have a plan.

It'll be fun.

Oh, my God. Don't look now,
but those are the Chapin mean girls.

Hi.

[SINGSONGY]
They're gonna die of jealousy.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Uh.... Toy sailboats? Really? Come on.

That might be cool in Belgium,
but in Manhattan only little kids do that.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

You have eight hours
to write and rehearse...

...your re-imagined fairy tale
before tech.

Lots of Tisch faculty and alums
will be there. Plus my legit agent.

So please, don't embarrass me.
Good luck.

-See?
-Yeah, you're right, you're right.

This is gonna be a great opportunity.

-So which fairy tale do you think we--?
-Totally Snow White.

Sorry I'm late.

[DAN CHUCKLES]

-All right, what is she doing here?
-Silly.

I'm the producer, costar and director.

Yeah, it was her idea, actually.

BLAIR:
My brilliant idea.

A musical featuring the songs
of Tisch alumna Lady Gaga.

Paul loves his Gaga.

I'm gonna go pick his brain about what
songs he'd think work best thematically.

Okay, um, what's going on here?

Want me to cancel on Vanessa,
who's gonna be furious...

...to write a Snow White-Lady Gaga
musical to be directed by Blair Waldorf?

Listen, I know that her idea
is kind of out of the box.

But if you pull this off,
everyone's gonna be talking about it.

And I talked to Vanessa,
she's totally cool about tonight.

Wait. So you already told her?

I ran into her in our room
and she was fine, I promise.

CHUCK [ON MACHINE]:
Leave a message and I might listen to it.

Could you find another way
to drum up business?

Belgian bore's been playing in the park
for the past half-hour with his dinghy.

And I have a reputation.

-All right. All set.
-What now? Balloon animals?

By the way, you took the wrong boat.

Uh, no, actually,
this is the one with the cash.

-Mine had the E in it.
-What?

Sorry if I was boring you.

You still wanna get some lunch,
we can go find those Chapin girls?

DAN [OVER PHONE]:
I had plans with Vanessa tonight, right?

But Olivia signed me up to do this
cabaret thing with her. And Blair.

Oh, yeah.
It's post-threesome stage one.

Wherein one, if not both, girls
try to prove to the other...

-...who you belong to.
-What do I do?

You prove to Olivia
you and Vanessa are just friends...

...despite the fact that
you've seen each other's business.

NATE [OVER PHONE]:
You good?

DAN: Yeah, thanks, man.
-All right, later.

Oh. Dan. Girl problems.
You don't even wanna know.

You're everyone's therapist today.

Affairs with married people,
love triangles.

Everyone's problems
are well within my area of expertise.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, you ready?

[SIGHS]

[DIALING PHONE]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Serena, hey.

What do you like on your pizza?

Actually, I'm not coming over.

I had a feeling you'd call.

I can't say I'm not disappointed though.

Come on, Tripp, you know it's not a
good idea for us to be alone all night.

No, you're right.

I don't wanna go
without saying goodbye.

Could we maybe just get some lunch?

Lunch? Yeah, I-- You know I--

Um.... I actually don't think that I can.
But travel safe, congressman. Bye.

Good.
I'm gonna be here to keep you strong.

Until Tripp leaves,
I'm not gonna let you out of my sight.

Mr. Vanderbilt, Mrs. Archibald
is here to see you.

My aunt?

I'm kind of busy.
Can she come back later?

She said it was important.

-I thought you had a play to write.
-Sorry about Morrissey.

I told Olivia this morning
I wanted to apply to Tisch...

...and so she saw this cabaret thing
and she signed us up.

-Wait, this morning?
-Yeah.

It had nothing to do with our plans.
This is a big opportunity for me.

-Of course.
-Yeah, so I'm gonna need your help.

DAN: Inspired by Miss Gaga's lyrics,
I've written a satirical commentary...

...about fame, glamour and society's
obsession with their shiny new thing.

Humphrey, I'm surprised.
This isn't horrible.

You play the aging queen.

A fading but talented rock star
who's earned her success.

Snow White. Up-and-comer
trying to steal the queen's thunder...

...by being outrageous and sexy.

-I like it.
DAN: Yeah.

Amalia, Sophie, twins,
you're the struggling dwarf boy band.

I'll be Prince of Charming Records
trying to find his star.

So, you know, I think it kind of works.

Don't get too c*ck. We still have
your sub-par acting to deal with.

Let's meet back here in half an hour.
Everyone off book so I can block.

Actually, I found a more experienced
director. More suited for the project.

-Julie Taymor?
-Close.

-No.
-Vanessa?

V. I'm so stupid
for not thinking of you earlier.

We're so lucky to have you
to bring Dan's amazing words to life.

Wait until you read this.

I already did. Dan always shows me
early drafts of his work.

Well, you know, I had to get her
on board. Show her something.

Great. If you need any pointers, I've
worked with some of the best directors.

Sure. If I wanna turn anyone into a bat,
I'll let you know. Thank you.

-Dan.
-Yeah.

When girls live together
sometimes their cycles sync up.

No hormones, not yours or theirs,
will get in the way of my cabaret.

It'll be fine, Blair.

What exactly does an Upper East Side
queen do?

Wear designer clothes,
boss people around?

No.

Go to parties and openings and stuff.

Where you wear designer clothes
and boss people around.

Heh. Sounds like kind of a yawn.

Well, yeah, I guess compared to being
an international drug dealer.

What's the deal with that? You don't
need money, your dad's an ambassador.

Which means we don't
have to go through customs.

They don't search our bags
when we come in.

I have the added satisfaction
of knowing my father would suffer...

...if I were to be caught.

A little bit of danger
is what makes life worth living.

And you had your very first
taste today, Queen Jenny.

It was kind of thrilling.

If you mean that, some friends are
gonna meet me later to refuel my boat.

You in?

SERENA:
High school was so much easier.

NATE:
Yeah, in some ways.

SERENA:
Well, I wasn't attracted to married men.

-But I was. Well, not men, obviously.
-Ha-ha-ha. Mm-hm. Lady Catherine.

My first experience
being a fake girlfriend.

Who knew I'd do it as a profession?

If it makes you feel better, you were
a great fake girlfriend. You got....

[NATE LAUGHS]

It's like all over your--
No, no, it's like you got-- Ew.

-Ha-ha-ha. Okay.
-It's like, just-- Here, stop.

-You're good. Yeah.
-Thank you. Ha, ha.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh. It's, uh.... It's Tripp.

-Oh, you can't.
-But what if it's important?

Serena, just give me the phone.

You can't talk about him
or think about him or see him.

Gonna tie me to a chair
until his plane leaves?

I'm gonna take you on a bar crawl
and we're gonna get drunk, okay?

Like really, really drunk.

-Deal?
-Ha, ha. Deal. You're the best.

[CHUCKLES]

Snow, have this apple martini before
your VMA performance tonight.

I promise it's not poisoned.

[PLAYING "LOVEGAME"]

Okay, dwarves, that's your cue.

You know, I think the dwarves
should be in the front.

Okay. Sorry, sorry.
Uh, no one's gonna be able to see me.

Yeah, well, this moment really is
about the dwarves. Right, Dan?

Well, I mean, it's called
Snow White so technically it's--

Of course you would take her side.

-He's right. I'm not standing in the back.
-It was just a suggestion.

Boxing me out is one of
Vanessa's favorite activities.

-What?
-Whoa, okay, all right.

Okay, girls,
let's calm down, talk rationally.

You're the one who signed up
for this cabaret to box me out.

Are you kidding? You're the one
who boxed me out today.

With your Morrissey plans.
And that night.

DAN: What?
-What are you talking about?

Vanessa, you're in love with Dan
and everybody here knows it.

-It is true.
-Olivia, that's crazy. Heh, come on.

Heh. I don't need to put up
with any of this. I quit.

Oh, no, you don't. I quit.

What is going on? You bozos
have a threesome or something?

Oh, God. How stupid can you be?

-The third person has to be a stranger.
-It's my mess. I'll go talk to the girls.

BLAIR:
In which order? Hmm?

Exactly. You're gonna
have to tech all by yourself.

I have an army to build, a school
to take over and girls to blackmail.

GOSSIP GIRL: Uh-oh, playwright,
better whip out your pen.

Looks like this cabaret
just became a one-man show.

Olivia, I'm not asking you
to do cabaret for me.

I'm asking you to do it
for all the tweens of this world.

My fans don't care if I do cabaret.

But they'll care if
their favorite queen of the dead...

...had a ménage
with disgusting Dan Humphrey...

...and his celebutante girlfriend.

Do you really want everyone here to
know that Abrams is literally a star--?

First, I'll text TMZ.

Then Gossip Girl.

Oh, and the town crier
in Nowheresville, Vermont...

...so your parents find out.

So, what's it gonna be?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SERENA LAUGHS AND NATE COUGHS]

Do you realize we haven't been out
drinking alone since...?

Since the Shepherd wedding.

Yeah, the night that everything changed.

Maybe we should get some food,
sober up before something happens. Heh.

Come on,
it's been three and a half years.

I can control myself if you can.

[NATE SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]

-Ha, ha. Another round, please.
BARTENDER: You got it.

-Saved by the bell.
-Hold up, one second, I'll be right back.

-Hey.
TRIPP [OVER PHONE]: Nate?

I just found out...

...Grandfather wasn't behind
Hudson Hero.

It was Maureen.

TRIPP: Your mom just told me.
-No. You're kidding me.

I'm so sorry, Nate.

TRIPP:
I let you take the fall--

What are you--? Don't worry about me.
It's you.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.
I can never trust her again.

I don't know if I even
wanna see her again.

Of course you're angry.
Okay, Tripp? But she's your wife.

Any kind of separation this early in
your term could affect your reelection.

Reelection is the last thing
on my mind right now.

I just need to clear my head.

[GIRL LAUGHS]

But you're out.

Just at the Brandy Library with a friend.
Listen, hang in there. I'll call you later.

Who was that? Dan again?

That guy's got the most complicated
love life. How about that round?

-Now there's the Nate I remember.
-Mm.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

By the way, Eugene, Jenny.
Jenny, Eugene.

-Hi. Nice to meet you.
DAMIEN: See you, boss.

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

[JENNY CLEARS THROAT]

Good. My guy is here.

"Here" here?
He's coming over to the table?

Where would you suggest we do it?
In the alley? With the cops and cameras?

Oh, uh....

I understand if you wanna leave
or go to another table.

No, I'm good.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING
ON PIANO]

Granny, why are your teeth so big?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What if they don't show up?

They will.

[WILLA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
ON STAGE]

Oh. That's the show-must-go-on spirit.

I'm gonna go make sure
the dwarves are ready.

I have a little treat for Paul
I need to set up.

Hey, I'm glad you decided
to come tonight.

Well, Blair didn't really
give me much choice.

Look, Vanessa and I are just friends.
She has no feelings for me.

I'm positive. In fact, I made the same
mistake when you went to Japan.

So, you know, whatever you think you
saw during our thing it wasn't from her.

Yeah, no. You're right.

Right. See? I told you.

It wasn't from her. It was from you.

I sat up to take my shirt off...

...I look over and you were looking at
Vanessa like you've never looked at me.

And then you kissed her...

...like you've never kissed me.

No. That's-- That's-- That little thing?
That was hardly even a kiss.

That you even know what I'm
talking about proves that it happened.

If you just let yourself, you'll
see that your feelings for her are real.

And you should stop kidding yourself.

GOSSIP GIRL: Hey, Prince Charming.
Looks like it's time for you...

...to look in the enchanted mirror.

Platinum record on the wall
Who's most talented of us all?

Though your voice is as clear as day
Your dance moves are quite passé

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And Snow White's youth and sex appeal
Means she'll get the record deal

[TIM PLAYING "LOVE GAME"]

I'm Screechy

[MIMICS TURNTABLE SCRATCHING]

She's Pitchy

She's Tone Deaf
I'm Bitchy

My, what talent you small people have.

If only there were a vampy
young vixen to front you...

...we'd all be swimming in online sales.

Luckily, I happen to be dating one.

[SINGING "LOVEGAME"]

[CHORUS SINGING "LOVEGAME"
AND SNAPPING FINGERS]

So you guys met at boarding school?
That's cool.

Hey, what--?

Yeah. Eighth grade. Le Rosey.

Good times.

[JENNY CHUCKLES]

Um....

I'm gonna use the ladies' room.

No, no, no, hey. Sit down.
Don't go empty-handed. Here.

Just test the product, yeah?

That won't be necessary.

Chuck, what are you doing here?

After I got your message,
I had housekeeping...

...do an early turn-down service
in Damien's room.

That's where they found his stash.

I've had experience in the boat pond.
I'm taking you home.

You and your father have until noon
to collect your luggage.

After that, it's in the river.

You're totally overreacting, I'm fine.

Dude, the lady said she's fine.

Dude, I'm Chuck Bass.

Even Europeans
must know what that means.

[JENNY SIGHS]

[TIM PLAYING "LOVEGAME"]

Now that I've added a disco-electropop
beat to Snow White's love ballad...

...and put your voices through Auto-Tune,
it's time to take over the land.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Let's have some fun. This beat is sick.

[CHORUS SINGING "LOVEGAME"]

[DAN GRUNTS]

That's her cue. Where the hell is she?

I have no idea.

Well, the disco stick tends to be
an unreliable form of transportation.

It, uh, breaks down a lot.

-What--? What are you doing?
DAN: Yes--

Hello, ahem, Prince.
Here I am, Snow White.

Oh.

And I got plastic surgery
and colored my hair like you suggested.

Right, okay. You look fantastic.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, it took me a long time to get
over what happened with us that night.

Heh. Actually, I....

Uh....

Two years ago at the Masquerade Ball
I tried to tell you I loved you...

...but turns out I told Jenny Humphrey,
ha, ha.

She was wearing your mask.

You loved me?

[CHUCKLES]

Of course I did.
Serena, you're the most beautiful...

...amazing, alive person I've ever known.

Nate.

I hope I'm not interrupting something.

[NATE SIGHS]

Platinum record on the wall
It's me now who'll have it all

Just as long as true love's kiss
Doesn't wake this coked-up miss

Oh, if only the prince would kiss her...

...we could be international
backup dancers on her world tour.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[ALL SOBBING]

There he is now!

Yes.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

[WHISPERS]
You have to kiss her.

Kiss her!

-What are you doing?
-Um....

Snow White is alive!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

GOSSIP GIRL: So Snow White lives.
But are Dan and Olivia dead?

Blair, it was amazing.
You surprised us all.

Speaking of which,
I have a surprise for you.

Dan, if you think of applying
to the playwriting program...

...let me know if you want me
to read your sample.

Wow, thank you so much.
Yeah, I might take you up on that offer.

Everyone, follow me.

So Maureen, uh...?

Wow, I, um....

-I can't believe she did that.
-I called her. She admitted it.

Are you okay?

Not really.
My wife isn't who I thought she was.

And neither is my marriage.

Hey, thanks for hearing me out earlier.

-You're a great friend.
-Yeah, well....

Anytime.

Wait. Nate, you knew?
Why didn't you say anything to me?

-I....
TRIPP: Look, Serena...

...I don't know anything anymore.

I just know I don't wanna be alone.
Can we take a walk?

Yeah.

[WHISPERS]
Hey, wait. Serena.

I didn't tell you about Maureen
because Tripp's a married man.

And if you go with him now,
you're gonna cross the line.

Thank you for everything, Nate, really.
But that line just got a little blurry.

[SIGHS]

["BAD ROMANCE" PLAYING]

I don't get it. What is all this?

You may never have heard of Cyrus Rose,
but Lady Gaga certainly has.

When she was at Tisch,
they used to play cards.

Who do you think "Poker Face"
is about?

That's why she's letting us see
her dress rehearsal.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SINGING "BAD ROMANCE"]

Olivia? Where've you been?
Kind of abandoned me out there.

I know.

Sorry. I knew Vanessa would step in...

...and I needed you to kiss her.

Yeah, which I did.
Because I had to for the play.

You made me do it. You can't judge
what happened if you didn't see it.

I didn't need to.

You were the one
that needed to kiss her again.

To realize for yourself that
your feelings for her are real.

Anyway, I just got off the phone
with K.C...

...and she kind of convinced me
to take that witch movie.

What? Olivia, you can't leave like this.

I read the script.
It's actually pretty good.

I'll be back in the fall.

There you are.
Look, we're gonna have to talk about it.

We saw each other naked
and there's no going back.

But we're friends. So, Olivia, I apologize
for how I acted during rehearsal.

But I don't like Dan like that.
And I haven't in years.

Right?

Yeah. Yeah, she's right.

Oh, and, you know,
I think Paul Hoffman kind of likes me.

Look, I get the whole "sullen teenager
pushing an envelope" thing.

I've pushed a pack.
But you're better than that Damien guy.

I may be queen...

...but I'm more lonely and bored
than I was when I lived in Brooklyn.

-And being with him was exciting.
-And dangerous.

Please. It takes one to know one.

I saw that look in your eye
the first day you came on my radar.

And what so-called look would that be?

Be very careful, Jennifer Humphrey.

If you go down the rabbit hole, it's
going to take more than Blair Waldorf...

...and your army of minions
to drag you back out.

So you're gonna walk me to my room
and make sure I don't get in any trouble?

Just try not to run into any
Eurodealers in the kitchen.

[SCOFFS]

Are you okay?

GOSSIP GIRL:
Sometimes it's after the curtains close...

...that the real reckonings come.

Whether it's about
who we wish we were...

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

...or who we wish we could be.

[SINGING "BAD ROMANCE"]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

GOSSIP GIRL:
Or who we want.