5x09 - Rhodes to Perdition

[bunniefuu]

Gossip Girl here.

Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

My goal was to remake Nate, not to make you the star.

It's time for you to step aside, which means that all her readers will flock to you, Mr.

New Editor-in-chief.

Ivy? Max.

My ex-boyfriend just shows up out of nowhere.

The truth is gonna come out any second.

I'm looking for someone named Ivy.

I think some people here might call her "Charlie.

" My mom never wanted me to grow up with the burden of the Rhodes name.

I knew your mother was behind this.

Everything you say is a lie.

The money is real.

Just stay away from me and my family.

I forgive you.

So that means you're willing to give me a shot? One more.

Can you please tell me why people are not paying attention to me right now? It was you who uploaded that page, wasn't it? I was trying to show you what your friends are really like.

I think I need time alone to think about the future of our relationship.

You've really been good this whole time, haven't you? On the Upper East Side, stayin' alive isn't as easy as it appears.

And after last week's security breach leading to no new tips, it looks like I might be dancing with myself.

I've never seen so much lame before.

But grandma actually wore this? Yes, and looked fabulous riding in on an elephant in it, which is why the Studio is in her honor and Bianca Jagger's, but we won't mention that to her when she arrives.

Bianca was a striver.

She could never outshine me no matter how little she wore.

Oh, mother! It's wonderful to see you.

Darling.

Charlotte.

Oh, New York agrees with you.

You look fabulous.

I just got off the phone with Ian Schrager.

He sends his love.

He said he's recreating the entire club down to the moon and the spoon.

And I am going to wear that platinum jumpsuit that prompted Ryan O'Neal to propose.

Oh! Now that he's a widower, I put him on the guest list.

Speaking of which, what did you decide to do about inviting Carol? I thought I'd leave the drama this year up to Barry and Diane.

Yes, well, she does have a way of blowing things up.

I have all the family I need with you and my two favorite granddaughters.

Quite an accomplishment for my blog and for you, country boy.

I grew up in Miami.

I was impressed by your moves at Bunker Hill.

I can't feel my feet, and for once, I can't blame Alaia or Giuseppe.

Ah, I don't know those dudes.

I do know those 4AM soup dumplings put David Chang to shame.

Momofuk-who? And what about absinthe at Apotheke? And the sunrise over the high line? How can anyone not love New York? Well, if you're not sick of me yet, you wanna show me some more later today? I would love to, but I have this thing at Studio 54.

My grandma is the guest of honor, which would shock you if you ever met her.

But, uh, I promised I'd pick up the cake.

Why would you trust an anonymous baker when you have a master chef in your midst? You could be my sous for the afternoon.

Could we cover ourselves in flour and lick spoons and do other cute things? That's a prerequisite.

Then I can't wait to don my chef whites.

I'll call you later.

Okay.

Oh.

Now that's what I like to see-- you writing again.

What is it? Sophomore novel? Short story? Well, it's more like a rebuttal.

These online haters are like c*ck.

You k*ll one, and then three more pop up in its place.

You're not seriously being the kind of author that fights every negative review on Amazon? I mean, people will think you've lost your mind.

Which is why I have Danfan, the tireless online avatar I've created to fend off critics.

Alessandra isn't returning my calls, so I gotta fight this battle on my own.

That's it.

I stayed quiet while you crashed bridal showers and skipped out on book tours.

I was hoping with enough time and support that you'd realize that even though your book didn't do as well as you hoped, you still have your whole future ahead of you.

Being a shut-in is not bouncing back.

I was defending my honor.

It's time to leave "Inside" behind and go outside.

Cece's party's tonight.

I expect you to be there.

Looks like I'm not the only one everyone despises.

Lonely boy's fans are slowly dwindling, but his haters are going forth and multiplying.

My personal favorite? @ihatehumphrey.

Why should I thank someone for a blender? Do I look like the kind of girl who makes margaritas? Oh, margarita sounds delicious.

But six month away at least.

Any correspondence from Mr.

Louis? No.

I told you.

He's doing missionary work with Father Cavalia in some nation without plumbing and waiting for my call.

But wedding still on? Of course it is.

I still love Louis.

I just want to marry the sweet prince who returned my Vivier slipper and made me believe in fairy tales, not one of the Brothers Grimm.

Even Prince Charming can fall off horse.

But Louis still hasn't found his way back in the saddle.

Shocking for someone schooled in classical dressage.

I need this time apart to figure out where Louis went wrong and right it.

Maybe he "Freaky Friday" with Mr.

Chuck.

They struck by lightning at same time, that's incredibly unsanitary.

But you may be on to the key to returning Louis' virtue.

I am? Finish these.

No Polish parables.

I know I'm the new kid around here and I'm gonna make some mistakes.

I just want you guys to know that I'm not gonna resort to the kind of dirty tactics that Diana used.

"Spectator" only publishes truth.

And yeah, sex sells, but if the story involves scandal, it needs to be verified.

We have an opportunity to do things differently here.

So I'm around if anyone has any stories they'd like to pitch.

Thanks.

Nate? I've got a lead on a famous congressman's wife who's having an affair.

Well, we've heard that story a million times.

Do we have a new angle? What was going on in Washington at the time? Does the wife want to come clean? Dig deeper.

Before I do, you should know the congressman is your cousin Trip Van Der Bilt.

You got my money yet? I'm working on it.

I can't just walk into a bank and withdraw $500,000.

Well, in case you're lying, like you do about everything else, I found myself an insurance policy.

In fact, I'm dating her-- Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Have you heard of her? What? Y-you can't date Serena.

Too late.

And unless I get the money soon, one of our dates will involve a bottle of champagne and revelations about who you really are.

Uh, should I show her this playbill I keep in my pocket before or after the caviar? I told you.

I just need a little more time.

Why can't you leave Serena out of it? Because I'm having fun with her.

Listen The more she likes me, the more she trusts me, and the more likely she is to believe me when I tell her that Charlie Rhodes is just a White Tr*sh wannabe named Ivy Dickens.

Well, don't let Lily see you together.

She knows our history, and if she tells Serena that we used to date, she'll get suspicious.

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna risk a lifetime of financial security for brunch with the in-laws.

Hi.

We have a problem.

Yeah, well, add this one to the list.

Max is dating Serena.

If you don't me to leave or get caught, we have to pay him off immediately.

Except we don't have the money.

I just came from the bank.

Turns out my mother's added a security measure to the account-- probably to punish me.

Any withdrawal over $50,000 requires her signature, which she will never agree to if we ask.

We have to make her think it was her idea.

I barely know her, and she's not speaking to you.

The money is the only thing that will stop Max from outing me.

You keep Serena away from Max.

I will work on my mother.

Looks like I'm not the only one doing the hustle.

Perhaps I should feather my hair tonight.

I never really understood why it went out of fashion.

For you, mother.

From Ryan.

How thoughtful.

Although I prefer Vanda orchids.

Mm-hmm.

How about lilies of the valley? More like "Valley of the Dolls" now that you've arrived.

I am here to reconstruct, not self-destruct.

I promise.

To honor the guest of honor.

I hope my invitation was lost in the mail.

It's a lovely thought, but it wasn't.

So what do you really want? Forgiveness.

If this is about my cutting off Charlie's funds I admit I made some mistakes in trying to protect her.

But she's forgiven me.

In fact, we're closer than ever.

Funny.

She lives with me, and this is the first I'm hearing of this.

Well, why else would she suggest I come for the party? We're both hoping that Studio 54 would bring the Rhodes girls back together.

Well, you know, nothing makes me happier than when my family gets along.

That is, if you both can do that.

Of course, mother.

It's your night.

However, I will not tolerate any outbursts or judgmental tantrums.

I am supposed to be the center of attention tonight, and I'd like to keep it that way.

I promise.

Now let's get those flowers into some water.

Um, how could you be working when you have a date to be discussed? Spill! Well, there's not much to say.

Max and I spent the whole night together, wandering the city.

Is this the same Max that was supposed to meet you at "Sleep No More"? Yes, but if I wouldn't have given him a second chance, I never would've seen how great he is.

We're spending the afternoon baking Cece a cake.

Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Sure If he hadn't stood you up once already.

Maybe you shouldn't rush into this.

Where is this coming from? You were the one who encouraged me to get out there and date.

Well I mean, for your blog.

Now that that's a bona fide success, I just don't wanna see you revert to old Serena's taste in men.

Oh, Max could not be further from the men I've dated.

He moved here from Portland.

He hikes.

Okay.

Maybe he hasn't done hard time like the last one.

But didn't you say he came to New York to find his ex-girlfriend? Yeah, I forgot about her.

Ivy.

I mean, he did cross the country to see her.

Part of him must still love her.

Well, anyway, two dates in one day could be-- could be moving too fast.

Always better to leave 'em wanting more.

Okay, I'll cancel my baking date.

Oh, I have to reorder the cake now.

Yeah.

I have to go get Cece some glitter eye shadow.

She said something about lighting up the night with her liner.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Namaste.

Sorry to interrupt you getting into someone's yoga pants.

Sri Sri Ravi, a moment, please.

An old, celibate, male yoga teacher? Your transformation really is astounding.

Care to share how you gave up your bad Bass ways? How you went from Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown, from Bar to Mitzvah? There's no answer to that question.

It's an evolution.

Mm.

What's really going on, Blair? Okay, if you must know, I'm trying to pinpoint the source of your light so I can pull Louis out of the darkness.

You changed.

So can he.

I have all day.

Oh, it was great meeting your new staff.

From what I can see, Jared Kushner better watch his back.

Thanks.

Before you leave, there's something I need to tell you.

One of my reporters received a tip.

Maureen's cheating on Trip.

Well, there must some mistake.

Maureen's a devoted wife.

She even stuck by Trip during that, uh, unfortunate incident with Serena.

Obviously, we'll verify everything first.

You're not seriously considering running it? Well, the information's out there, and if we don't, someone else will.

And I don't wanna make a certain Australian patriarch's mistake of burying the "News of the World" scandal.

If he'd let the "Journal" break it, he might've saved his paper and a lot of embarrassment.

But, uh, this is a family matter.

And a public one, unfortunately.

It's our chance to prove that "The Spectator" is fair and balanced no matter what the story is.

The site and our family will be in better shape for running it first.

Well, I certainly don't want it in the hands of the "Post.

" I won't run anything before I talk to Trip.

I was wrong in keeping you from here.

The city looks good on you.

I just wish I could visit more often.

But, you know, Lily's doing so much by letting you stay here.

I just I don't know.

I don't feel comfortable by putting her out.

I never thought I would say this, maybe it's time to get your own place.

Yeah, but the prices are so crazy.

You've got more than that in your trust fund.

We could get you a beautiful 1-bedroom, it's better to buy it than rent it.

It's--it's-- it's a good investment.

That's enough.

Do you have me pegged as a fool? Coming here under the guise of a party and trying to get me to buy you an apartment? It's not for me.

It's for Charlie.

If it was Charlie, she would have asked me herself.

Once again, Carol, you're all dollars and no sense.

And I am done being taken advantage of and enabling your agendas.

My only agenda is to get closer to my daughter-- something you'll never understand.

I'm going for a walk, on the streets, where I'm welcome.

Mom, please.

Grandma.

Grandma, are you all right? Yes.

O-of course I am.

Maybe I should call an ambulance.

Oh, no, honey.

Your--your-- your mother just triggered my blood pressure, that's all.

Are you sure? O-of course.

You know, if you wanna be helpful, just, um, go get me a glass of water so so I can take my pill.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Max, it's Serena.

Listen, I have to take a rain check.

My cousin and I have a lot to do before the party.

If you ever find yourself sick with Saturday night fever, the last thing you want is for someone to turn up the heat.

Oh, my gosh! Max, that's beautiful! I had the ingredients.

I hope your grandmother enjoys it.

Now I'm going to leave before you think I'm a stalker who shows up for canceled dates.

No, stop it.

I don't.

I really did want to see you.

I just--I didn't wanna move too fast.

No, I get it.

met is more than enough.

To be honest, I thought maybe you weren't quite over your ex yet.

When we met, you--you were still looking for her.

Just to return her stuff.

I haven't thought about Ivy since we met, Serena.

I swear.

Well, how would you like to come with me to Studio 54 tonight and present the cake to my grandmother yourself? You do realize you just went from "let's take it slow" to "want to meet my family?" Right? Caution is not my strong suit.

Well, how about we try something in between? Uh, you liveblog with party updates, and I'll pick you up tomorrow afternoon.

That sounds perfect.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Are you sure you don't want me to call a doctor? Oh, yes, no.

I just need some rest, and, you know, the jet lag, and of course I didn't eat anything this morning.

That's ginger tea.

I knew someone who took those pills.

The ginger helps with the dizziness.

Tell me.

What does your mother want your money for? Be honest, Charlotte.

I'm not gonna let her bully you.

It wasn't her.

It's me that wants the apartment.

She was just trying to help to make it seem like it was her idea.

Well, I wish you'd just been honest.

Although growing up with Carol, I mean, how would you know better? You've been so generous.

I didn't wanna ask for more.

Well, now that you have, I will uncap my waterman and release the funds tomorrow morning.

Thank you! Listen, I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.

Yeah, I doubt that.

I'm sure you're enjoying every second of this.

I know our history isn't exactly pristine, Trip, but we're still family.

God, with her sailing instructor? Really? I should have known when she kept asking to leave grandfather's compound a week early.

And you were there all of August, right? Yeah.

Yeah.

I, um It's funny.

Usually she complains about having to go back to D.

C.

Look, man, we really worked on our marriage after the whole Serena situation.

I just thought we were on the right track.

I'm sorry.

Look, I get you have to run the story.

Just I hope you don't let your personal feelings against me make it any uglier than it has to be.

Thanks for telling me.

I guess now we're even.

Hey, grandfather, it's Nate.

I'm gonna wait on that story.

I think Maureen's lying about the affair.

I just don't know why.

Next one over.

Uh, excuse me, sir? Do you know who lives here? Don't worry.

I'm not a stalker.

In fact, the person I'm looking for is the stalker-- an anonymous one, the worst kind.

No? Dan? Alessandra? What are you doing here? I live here.

Isn't that why you buzzed my apartment? That's usually how it works.

No, actually, I was looking for someone who hates me.

Chuck? Are you sure you're comfortable with Blair here? I don't believe I have a choice, which is why I'm controlling the information.

Which, thus far, has been a bunch of monkey business.

I'm worried his licking himself is anxiety, that he's lonely.

Enough.

Assuming this is a 50-minute session, I only have 18 minutes left to get my answers.

And what is it you're searching for, Blair? Nice try on the bait and switch, but I was a teenage bulimic, and my father came out when I was 15.

This isn't my first analysis.

What I need for you is to show me how you helped Chuck transform.

I told you, Blair.

There is no one answer.

There isn't one, or you don't want to give it to me because you don't want me to fix Louis? Are you saying that you want your fiance to be more like Chuck? No! More like the man Chuck's become, like Louis used to be when Chuck was like Louis is now.

If you don't mind me saying so, you seem confused.

Only by Chuck's refusal to disclose.

If he really is a good person, why doesn't he tell me how he got that way? Obviously, he hasn't really let go, or he would give me the information I need.

You mean let go of the intimacy between you? You said it, not me, and you're the expert.

But I did let go of you, Blair.

Then prove it by telling me how.

I can't.

But if you don't believe me, call on Harry Winston.

The night of "The Spectator" launch, I left the engagement ring I bought you on their doorstep and walked away.

I forgot I, uh I have a cake tasting to attend.

You blow Cheryl Ladd out of the water.

Oh, thank you, my darling.

Too bad Carol's arrival has put a pall over the entire evening.

Well, hopefully we can get her to dance the night away and hustle her the hell out of here.

It is taking every ounce of self-control not to march over and tell her what a terrible mother I think she is.

She heard you loud and clear.

Come on, Lil.

Say what you really think for a change.

Okay, I'll let you two talk alone.

Last month you were happy to see me and take care of my daughter.

What could I have done to mortally offend you all the way from Florida? Charlie told me you made her live under the name of "Ivy Dickens.

" As if being a teenager isn't enough of an identify crisis without having to assume a false one.

How dare you.

You know nothing about Charlie or our relationship.

I know you put your hatred of our family above her well-being.

What else is there? I assure you that being Ivy is the only thing that saved Charlie from the despicable fate of being a Rhodes.

Hey, Max, it's Serena.

So it turns out the party tonight was canceled, and I have my mom's apartment all to myself if you wanna come celebrate being over Ivy with me.

We do have cake, after all.

Chaka Khan might have been every woman, but looks like Charlie Rhodes is about to have trouble being two.

I wish you wouldn't take it as a negative.

It's called "I hate Humphrey.

" Yeah, to get people talking about you and your book.

Sugar and spice and everything nice get no attention.

Sex taps and public brawls make people famous.

I'm not--I'm not Snooki.

I'm a writer.

Who skipped out on his book tour.

My career's on the line here, too.

I took a chance on a young, inexperienced author.

I was trying to get you back on the radar.

I knew you wouldn't like the method, but if it makes you feel better, there's a Twitter called "Humphrey Love," too.

That's me.

Oh.

Sorry.

I should've recognized your scalpel-sharp self-deprecation.

Well, I have over a thousand followers.

Yeah.

Let's hope they bought books.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I'll close the account.

No.

I have a better idea.

When Trip told me he and Maureen were with you all of August, something didn't feel right.

That's when one of my reporters said she was spotted with her sailing instructor.

She could have snuck down to D.

C.

for a night or two, I'd imagine.

Which is why I called the club.

Turns out the only sailing lessons Maureen ever took were from a woman named Heather two years ago.

Are you saying Maureen's faking an affair? Yeah.

It wouldn't be the first time she's faked something.

Think of what it would do to Trip.

It would hurt him immeasurably.

Or help him.

Trip just hired a new campaign manager to explore running for governor.

The last time he needed help in the polls, Maureen hired someone to jump in the Hudson so Trip could look like a hero.

So now she's making him into a victim? It seems like a risky move.

Oh, well, think about it.

A politician out there fighting for the good in Washington, while his wife steps out on him at the yacht club? It's a sympathetic story.

I can't believe that Maureen would risk her marriage.

Oh, she'd make a public apology and go to counseling, convince him it'd be better for his career to stay together, and in two years, when his name's on that ballot, people will remember him as a guy who fought through a rough patch to save his family.

It's pretty shrewd.

At least you won't have to run the story of her affair.

No, I'll just run this one instead.

I understand you're, um, upset by Maureen's manipulations, but Trip was completely in the dark about her antics with that river rescue.

I'm sure this is the same now.

Oh, this is not a story.

This is a family squabble that could 'cause your cousin his career.

I'll do the right thing.

Don't worry.

I have no idea.

They're all so delicious.

I agree.

Every morsel is like taste of heaven.

But you must choose top three choices before Sylvia Weinstock, Queen of Cake, arrives.

How can I choose my wedding cake when my groom has lost his sweetness? Peeing in fountain was not answer? Stop mentioning that, or I'll never be able to toss a coin in again, and I need all the wishes I can get.

I get us some milk.

So much cake make baby kick up storm.

What are you doing here? Why did you walk out of therapy? You weren't going to reveal your secrets, and I have cakes to taste, so if you'll excuse me, I haven't even begun the buttercream.

Dr.

Krueger thought you were upset I returned the ring.

He has too many PhDs.

They cancel each other out and make him a moron.

I returned it because you asked me to let you go.

I wanted to move on to give you the happy life you deserve.

All this time, I've blamed you for pulling me into the dark.

But I was wrong.

It was me who brought out your dark side.

And now that I'm with Louis, I've done the same to him.

I'm sorry.

These glasses of champagne used to be served with a White Lady appetizer.

Uh, mother, since we have a little time before the party, Rufus and I have a small gift for you.

Opening night.

I tracked it down for you.

How surprisingly thoughtful.

If I had any memory of that night, I'm sure it would be fond.

Her favoritism is nauseating.

Now is not the time to be mad at Cece.

All she has to do is sign a paper tomorrow, and we're in the clear.

You're a better actress than I thought.

You got more out of her in three minutes than I have in 45 years.

I was just kind to her.

Maybe you should try it.

She is getting older.

And meaner.

You don't know these people.

They're my family, not yours.

Remember that.

Of course.

Sorry.

Get me out of the dress.

Mom! Mother, let me see! Goodness.

Oh, your body looks amazing.

Max.

What are you doing here? Serena said to meet her here, said the party was canceled.

Well, it's not.

If Lily sees you here, everything will be ruined.

I see you two found have each other.

No need for introductions, right, Max and Ivy? Serena, this isn't what it looks like.

Oh, so you two didn't used to date? We did.

And you didn't pretend like you've never met? We did.

And you didn't try to convince me not to see him again because he may still be hung up on his ex, Ivy? Uh, girls, this is not the time.

We need to get to grandma's party.

Max, nice to see you again.

Wait.

You know him, too? This is insane.

I'm not going anywhere until Charlie's alter ego, who everyone seems to know about but me, explains what's going on here.

It's not her fault.

Carol had her live as Ivy because she hated being a Rhodes.

You can't blame Charlie for her own mother's insanity.

My insanity? Is this how you get along for mom's sake? What's for my sake? I just want the truth, Charlie.

I invited you back to New York.

My mom and Rufus gave you somewhere to live.

Cece got you your trust fund back.

Now just stop lying and tell me what you and your boyfriend are up to.

Just when things are about to hit the fan, they hit the ground instead with a thud.

Mother.

Mother? Her pulse feels okay.

Okay, give me your jacket.

I'm gonna put it under her head.

I'll call an ambulance.

No, please.

I'm all right.

No, don't get up too quickly.

You fainted from the stress.

Don't you try and pin this on me.

Mother, are you all right? I will be when you let me off the floor.

Okay, let's get you somewhere more comfortable.

Up you go.

Okay.

Okay.

Look, you still look pale.

I think we should call Dr.

Sue.

I'm not gonna wait around for some concierge doctor.

We're gonna take you to the hospital.

Okay, let's get her over here.

I told you, I'm fine.

I know what's wrong.

Yeah, you keep this apartment excessively warm.

Just tell them, grandma.

She's been dieting to fit into her jumpsuit.

A few Martinis and glasses of champagne on an empty stomach, and anyone would pass out.

Well, Charlotte's right.

I'm afraid that I let my vanity get the better of me, but, um, something delicious to eat will fix me right up.

Comfort food-- that's something I'm good at.

So why don't you go ahead-- ahead of me, darling? Oh, don't be silly, mother.

We'll have our own celebration.

Once we get grandma something to eat and make sure she's okay, Charlie can get back to telling us everything.

Thanks.

It's so nice working for someone who means what he says.

Yeah.

Well, let's, uh Let's hope everyone feels the same way.

"We at 'The Spectator' are the voice of honesty, "not the wealthy or politically connected.

"Recently a family member tried to manipulate our site "for personal and political gain.

"We're not going to name names.

"We're not going to post the story or bury it, "but instead we're coming to you with the promise "that we will never let money, power, or personal agendas get in the way of reporting the truth.

" Told you I'd do the right thing.

I'm sorry if we have different versions of what that is.

I'm not here to reprimand you.

You remind me of myself when I was your age.

Wait.

You're not angry that I alluded to Maureen? You're your own man, Nathaniel.

I've always loved you.

But now well, I respect you, too.

You never pulled me to the dark side, Blair.

I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I have my answer.

You were the lightest thing that ever came into my life.

Then why did it take letting me go to find this whole new side of yourself? I only turned dark and desperate because I was afraid of losing you.

Your love kept me alive.

But you survived without me.

The worst thing happened, and I didn't die.

But I had to find a new way to move on with my life.

I only want you to be happy.

I'm just sorry it couldn't be with me.

Oh, Blair, there you are.

I brought some more samples with me.

I see the groom is here, too.

I'm not the groom.

When I saw you in L.

A.

, I lied and didn't tell you that Max was my boyfriend or that I was living under the name Ivy Dickens.

Who's Ivy Dickens? I'm sorry, mother.

That was my fault.

I didn't want anyone to find out that she was a Rhodes and use her for her money, which is exactly what Max is doing.

I'm not the one using you people.

She is.

He's blackmailing me.

Is that what you wanted the money for? Not for an apartment? He manipulated me into doing things I'm not proud of.

What are you talking about? He has a tape that he was threatening to expose.

I was worried he was gonna do the same to you, Serena.

That's why I tried to get you to stop seeing him.

I don't have a tape.

Why didn't you just tell me the truth? I just tried to pay him off, get rid of him.

I-I can't believe you people are buying this.

She's scamming you.

She is not Charlie Rhodes.

She's Ivy Dickens.

She's a wannabe actress from Florida.

I think we've heard enough of your lies.

And you're not even her real mother.

She grew up in trailer parks.

Her father was a heroin addict who died right in front of her when she was 8 years old.

That's just what I told him to make him believe I was Ivy.

I have proof.

You took it.

Enough.

This is my granddaughter, Charlie Rhodes.

I was there the day she was born.

She is my family.

I don't need any proof.

I know it in my bones.

You should go before we call the police.

Just remember I warned all of you.

Sister Sledge sang "We Are Family," but she had nothing on the Rhodes girls.

I'm sorry again.

I should have had enough faith in our friendship to be able to tell you the truth.

No, it's okay, but I do see why you fell for Max.

I mean, he seemed perfect.

Too bad he was just seeing me to get to you.

You'll find someone great.

Mm, I hope so.

But at least Max left his cake.

I think I'm gonna get some more champagne.

Can I, uh, interrupt your slide? Yeah, you know, I think I'll go find an extra fondue set.

I'm sorry about changing Charlie's name.

It took mom fainting for me to realize why you were so upset about it.

I just want us all to be Rhodes for as long as we have left.

Me, too.

It's just another example of my overprotective parenting getting the best of me.

I may have been a little quick to judge again, but it's only because I've come to love Charlie as if she were my own.

Great.

Now she'll have two moms to screw her up.

Oh, I love this song.

Thank you for discretion earlier.

No problem.

But, um You know, if you're really sick, I think you should tell the family.

They might care more than you think.

Perhaps.

But I appreciate you protecting my secret.

We all have them.

It's a Rhodes family tradition.

That's not nearly mean enough.

Here, let's switch.

I'll be hate.

You be love.

"Talk about by-the-numbers.

Humphrey's more Hardy boy than Hemingway.

" Impressive.

I've been at this a while.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Katy Perry just retweeted us.

What? She's--she's got like 9 million followers.

Those are best-seller numbers.

You went full Jerry Maguire, and your family approved.

Sounds like a successful editorial to me.

I must say, being in control felt pretty damn good As will losing it.

How was your day with Blair? Did you teach her how to turn Louis around? I told her the truth.

The whole truth? You should work for "The Spectator.

" I just wish I had the courage to do it sooner.

I've finally become the man she wanted, and she's already chosen another one.

I'm too late.

You still love her, huh? I can't imagine the day I won't.

Long after the clubs have closed, disco inferno rages on.

For some, it's burning desire that keeps them awake at night.

Miss Blair, if you finally find key to bring Mr.

Louis back to castle, why you not look like perky self? Just tell him he will not lose you, and he will be prince again.

I can find time difference so you can call him in third world country.

No.

I need to rest.

All that wedding cake made me sick.

You're dismissed.

For others, it's the flames of uncertainty that plague them.

Looks like we're finally in the clear.

You can leave anytime you want.

Would it be okay with you if I stay? You have enough money.

You could set yourself up anywhere in the world.

It's not about the money for me.

In fact, you can have all of it.

Then What do you want? A family.

I'm sorry.

I never knew that you'd had such a troubled upbringing.

I swiped this when Max took off his jacket.

I'll make sure no one ever sees this.

Thanks.

Well, if they ever found out the truth about the real Charlotte Rhodes, they would never forgive me.

This way, we both get to keep our family.

What do you want? My life back-- the move to Los Angeles, the job I gave up with Boulud, the two years I spent believing you and loving you when all you did was lie and cheat so you could have some fancy life that isn't yours.

You better watch your back, because I am not leaving town until I get what I deserve.

Good luck with that.

No one touch me anymore.

I'm a Rhodes now.

If you're going to play with matches, make sure you don't leave them around to spark the flame anew.

Disco isn't actually dead, and neither am I.

X.

O.

X.

O.

Gossip Girl.

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

GOSSIP GIRL: On the Upper East Side,
staying alive isn't as easy as it appears.

And after last week's security breach,
leading to no new tips...

...it looks like I might be
dancing with myself.

I've never seen so much lamé before.

Grandma actually wore this?

Yes, and looked fabulous riding in
on an elephant in it.

Which is why the Studio 54
anniversary party is in her honor...

...and Bianca Jagger's...

...but we won't
mention that to her when she arrives.

Bianca was a striver.

She could never outshine me,
no matter how little she wore.

-Mother, it's wonderful to see you.
-Darling.

Charlotte, oh, New York agrees with you.
You look fabulous.

I got off the phone with Ian Schrager.
He sends his love.

He's recreating the entire club,
down to the moon and spoon.

And I am going to wear
that platinum jumpsuit...

...that prompted Ryan O'Neal
to propose.

Now that he's a widower
I put him on the guest list.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Speaking of which, what did you
decide to do about inviting Carol?

I thought I'd leave the drama
up to Barry and Diane.

She does have a way.

I have all the family I need with you
and my two favorite granddaughters.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[SERENA CHUCKLES]

Twenty-four hours in the city
that never sleeps.

Quite an accomplishment for my blog
and for you, country boy.

I grew up in Miami.

I was impressed by your moves
at Bunker Hill.

I can't feel my feet and for once
I can't blame Alaia or Giuseppe.

Ah, I don't know those dudes.

I do know those 4 a.m. soup dumplings
put David Chang to shame.

-Momofuk-who?
-And what about absinthe at Apotheke?

-The sunrise over the High Line?
-How can anyone not love New York?

Well, if you're not sick of me yet,
you want to show me more later today?

I would love to,
but I have this thing at Studio 54.

My grandma is the guest of honor...

...which would shock you
if you ever met her.

I promised I'd pick up the cake.

Why would you trust
an anonymous baker...

...when you have a master chef
in your midst?

You could be my sous.

Can we cover ourselves in flour
and do other cute things?

-That's a prerequisite.
-Then I can't wait to don my chef whites.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I'll call you later.

Okay.

Oh.

Now, that's what I like to see.
You writing again.

What is it?
Sophomore novel? Short story?

More like a rebuttal.
These online haters are c*ck.

k*ll one and three more
pop up in its place.

You're not seriously being the author
that fights every negative review?

-People will think you've lost your mind.
-No, no, which is why I have DanFan...

...the online avatar I've created
to fend off critics.

Alessandra isn't returning my calls,
so I gotta fight on my own.

That's it. I stayed quiet
while you skipped out on book tours.

I was hoping with time you'd realize
even though your book...

...didn't do as well as you hoped,
you had your whole future.

-Being a shut-in is not bouncing back.
-I was defending my honor.

It's time to leave Inside behind
and go outside.

CeCe's party is tonight
and I expect you to be there.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like I'm not
the only one everyone despises.

Lonely boy's fans are slowly dwindling...

...but his haters are going forth
and multiplying.

My personal favorite?

Ihatehumphrey.

Why should I thank someone
for a blender?

Do I look like the kind of girl
who makes margaritas?

Margaritas sound delicious,
but six month away at least.

Any correspondence from Mr. Louis?

No, he's doing missionary work
with Father Cavalia...

...in some nation without plumbing
and waiting for my call.

-But wedding still on?
-Of course it is. I still love Louis.

I just want to marry the sweet prince
who returned my Vivier slipper...

...and made me believe in fairy tales.
Not one of the Brothers Grimm.

Even Prince Charming can fall off horse.

But Louis hasn't found his way
back in the saddle.

Shocking for someone
schooled in classical dressage.

I need this time apart to figure out
where Louis went wrong and right it.

Maybe he Freaky Friday with Mr. Chuck?
They struck by lightning at same time?

-Or pee in same fountain.
-That's incredibly unsanitary.

But you may be on to the key
to returning Louis' virtue.

-I am?
-Finish these, no Polish parables.

NATE: I know I'm the new kid around here,
and I'm gonna make some mistakes.

I just want you guys to know that...

...I'm not gonna resort to the kind
of dirty tactics that Diana used.

The Spectator only publishes truth.

And, yeah, sex sells, but if the story
involves scandal, it needs to be verified.

We have an opportunity
to do things differently.

So I'm around if anyone has any
stories you'd like to pitch. Thanks.

Nate.

I've got a lead on a congressman's
wife having an affair.

Well, we've heard that story.
Do we have a new angle?

What was going on
in Washington at the time?

Does the wife want to come clean?
Dig deeper.

Before I do, you should know
the congressman is your cousin.

Tripp Vanderbilt.

[DOOR OPENS]

Have you got my money yet?

I'm working on it.

I can't just walk into a bank
and withdraw $500,000.

Well, in case you're lying,
like you do about everything else...

...I got myself an insurance policy.

In fact, I'm dating her.
Serena van der Woodsen.

Have you heard of her?

What? You can't date Serena.

Too late, and unless
I get that money soon...

...one of our dates will involve
a bottle of champagne...

...and revelations
about who you really are.

Should I show her this playbill
I keep in my pocket...

-...before or after the caviar?
-I told you I just need a little more time.

-Why can't you leave Serena out of it?
-Because I'm having fun with her.

Listen. The more she likes me,
the more she trusts me.

More likely she is to believe me
when I tell her Charlie...

...is just a White Tr*sh wannabe
named Ivy Dickens.

Well, don't let Lily see you together.

She knows our history, and if she
tells Serena we used to date...

-...she'll get suspicious.
-Don't worry.

I'm not gonna risk a lifetime of financial
security for brunch with the in-laws.

[SCOFFS]

Hi. We have a problem.

Well, add this one to the list.
Max is dating Serena.

If you don't want me to leave
or get caught...

...we have to pay him off.

We don't have the money.
I just came from the bank.

My mother's added
security to the account.

Probably to punish me. Any withdrawal
over $50,000 requires her signature.

Which she will never agree to
if we ask.

We have to make her think
it was her idea.

I barely know her
and she's not speaking to you.

The money is the only thing
that will stop Max from outing me.

You keep Serena away from Max.
I will work on my mother.

[SIGHS]

GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like I'm not
the only one doing the hustle.

Perhaps I should feather
my hair tonight.

I never really understood
why it went out of fashion.

LILY:
For you, Mother.

-From Ryan.
-How thoughtful.

-Although I prefer vanda orchids.
-Mm-hm.

How about lilies of the valley?

More like Valley of the Dolls
now that you've arrived.

I am here to reconstruct,
not self-destruct, I promise.

To honor the guest of honor.
I hope my invitation was lost in the mail.

It's a lovely thought.
But it wasn't.

-So, what do you really want?
-Forgiveness.

If this is about my cutting off
Charlie's funds...

...I admit I made some mistakes
in trying to protect her...

...but she's forgiven me.
In fact, we're closer than ever.

This is the first I'm hearing of this.

Well, why else would she suggest
I come for the party?

We're both hoping that Studio 54 would
bring the Rhodes girls back together.

Well, you know,
nothing makes me happier...

...than when my family gets along.
That is, if you both can do that.

Of course, Mother, it's your night.

However, I will not tolerate
any outbursts or judgmental tantrums.

I am supposed to be
the center of attention tonight...

...and I'd like to keep it that way.

I promise. Now, let's get
those flowers into some water.

Um, how could you be working when you
have a date to be discussed? Spill!

Well, there's not much to say.

Max and I spent the whole night together
wandering the city.

The same Max that was supposed
to meet you at Sleep No More?

Yes, but if I wouldn't have given him
a second chance...

...I never would have seen
how great he is.

We're spending the afternoon
baking CeCe a cake.

Is that not the sweetest thing
you've ever heard?

Sure, if he hadn't
stood you up once already.

Maybe you shouldn't rush into this.

Where's this coming from?

You were the one who encouraged me
to get out and date.

Well, I mean, for your blog.

Now that that's a bona-fide success,
I just don't want to see you...

...revert to old Serena's taste in men.

Oh, Max could not be further
from the men I've dated.

He moved here from Portland.
He hikes.

Heh. Okay, maybe he hasn't done
hard time like the last one.

But didn't you say he came to New York
to find his ex-girlfriend?

Yeah, I forgot about her. Ivy.

I mean, he did cross the country
to see her.

A part of him must still love her.

Well, anyway, two dates in one day
could be--

Could be moving too fast.

Always better to leave them
wanting more.

Okay, I'll cancel my baking date.

[CHUCKLES]

I have to reorder the cake now.

[SIGHS]

Yeah. I have to go get CeCe
some glitter eye shadow.

She said something about
lighting up the night with her liner.

-Oh, no. Ha, ha.
-Yeah.

Namaste. Sorry to interrupt you
getting into someone's yoga pants.

Sri Sri Ravi, a moment please.

An old celibate male yoga teacher.

Your transformation
really is astounding.

Care to share how you gave up
your bad Bass ways?

How you went from Charlie Sheen
to Charlie Brown, from Bar to Mitzvah?

There is no answer to that question.
It's an evolution.

Hmm.

What's really going on, Blair?

Okay, if you must know,
I'm trying to pinpoint...

...the source of your light
so I can pull Louis out of the darkness.

You changed, so can he.

I have all day.

[CHATTERING NEARBY]

Well, it was great meeting your new staff.

From what I can see,
Jared Kushner better watch his back.

Thanks.

Before you leave,
there's something I need to tell you.

One of my reporters received a tip.

Maureen's cheating on Tripp.

Well, uh, there must be some mistake.
Maureen's a devoted wife.

She even stuck by Tripp during
that, uh, unfortunate incident with Serena.

-Obviously we'll verify everything first.
-You're not considering running it?

Information's there.
If we don't, someone will.

I don't want to make a certain mistake of
burying the News of the World scandal.

He let the Journal break it,
might have saved his paper.

-But, uh, this is a family matter.
-And a public one, unfortunately.

It's our chance to prove that
The Spectator is fair and balanced...

...no matter what the story is.

The site and our family will be
in better shape for running it first.

Well, I certainly don't want it
in the hands of the Post.

[SIGHS]

I won't run anything
before I talk to Tripp.

I was wrong in keeping you
from here.

The city looks good on you.
I just wish I could visit more often.

But, you know, Lily's doing
so much by letting you stay here.

I just, I don't know.

I don't feel comfortable
by putting her out.

I never thought I would say this, but...

...maybe it's time
you get your own place.

Yeah, but the prices are so crazy.

You've got more than that
in your trust fund.

We could get you a beautiful
one bedroom.

It's better to buy it than rent it.
It's a good investment.

That's enough.
Do you have me pegged as a fool?

Coming here under the guise
of a party...

-...trying to get me to buy an apartment?
-It's not for me. It's for Charlie.

If it was for Charlie,
she would have asked me herself.

Once again, Carol,
you are all dollars and no sense.

And I am done being taken advantage of
and enabling your agendas.

My only agenda
is to get closer to my daughter.

Something you'll never understand.
I'm going for a walk.

On the streets, where I'm welcome.

Mom, please.

[CHARLIE SIGHS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Grandma.

Grandma, are you all right?

Yes, of course I am.

Maybe I should call an ambulance.

Oh, no, honey, your mother just
triggered my blood pressure, that's all.

Are you sure?

Oh, of course. You know,
if you want to be helpful...

...just, um, go get me a glass of water so--
So I can take my pill.

Yeah, okay.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

SERENA [ON RECORDING]: Hey, Max. It's
Serena. Listen, I have to take a rain check.

My cousin and I have a lot to do
before the party.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

GOSSIP GIRL: If you ever find yourself
sick with Saturday night fever...

...the last thing you want
is for someone to turn up the heat.

Oh, my gosh. Max, that's beautiful.

I had the ingredients.
I hope your grandmother enjoys it.

Now I'm going to leave
before you think I'm a stalker...

-...who shows up for canceled dates.
-Stop it. I don't.

I really did want to see you. I just--
I didn't want to move too fast.

I get it, 24 hours with a guy
you met is enough.

To be honest, I thought maybe you
weren't over your ex yet.

I mean, when we met,
you were still looking for her.

Just to return her stuff. I haven't
thought about Ivy since we met, Serena.

I swear.

Well, how would you like
to come with me to Studio 54 tonight...

...and present the cake
to my grandmother yourself?

You do realize you just went from,
"Let's take it slow"...

-...to, "Want to meet my family" right?
-Ha, ha. Caution is not my strong suit.

How about we try something
in between?

You live blog with party updates
and I'll pick you up tomorrow afternoon?

That sounds perfect.
Thank you.

No. Thank you.

Are you sure you don't want me
to call a doctor?

Oh, yes, no.
I just need some rest, and....

You know, the jet lag, and of course
I didn't eat anything this morning.

[CHUCKLES]

-That's ginger tea.
-Mm.

I knew someone who took those pills.

The ginger helps with the dizziness.

Tell me. What does your mother
want your money for?

Be honest, Charlotte.
I'm not gonna let her bully you.

It wasn't her.
It was me that wants the apartment.

She was just trying to help
to make it seem like it was her idea.

Well, I wish you'd just been honest.

Although growing up with Carol,
I mean, how would you know better?

[CHUCKLES]

You've been so generous.
I didn't want to ask for more.

Well, now that you have...

...I will uncap my Waterman and release
the funds tomorrow morning.

Thank you.

[CECE LAUGHS]

I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.

Yeah, I doubt that.

I'm sure you're enjoying
every second of this.

I know our history isn't exactly pristine,
Tripp, but we're still family.

God, with her sailing instructor, really?

I should have known, she kept asking
to leave Grandfather's compound.

-And you were there all of August, right?
-Yeah.

Yeah. I, uh....

It's funny. Usually she complains
about having to go back to D.C.

Look, man. We really
worked on our marriage...

...after my whole Serena situation.

I just thought
we were on the right track.

I'm sorry.

Look, I get you have to
run the story. Just--

I hope you don't let
your personal feelings...

...make it any uglier than it has to be.

-Thanks for telling me.
-Hey.

I guess now we're even.

Hey, Grandfather, it's Nate.

I'm gonna wait on that story.

I think Maureen's lying about the affair.
I just don't know why.

Hi, excuse me, sir?

Do you know who lives here?
Don't worry. I'm not a stalker.

In fact, the person
I'm looking for is the stalker.

An anonymous one.
The worst kind. No?

-Dan?
-Alessandra, what are you doing here?

I live here. Heh. Isn't that why you buzzed
my apartment?

That's usually how it works.

No, actually I was looking
for somebody who hates me.

Chuck, are you sure
you're comfortable with Blair here?

I don't have a choice, which is why
I'm controlling information.

Which has been a bunch
of monkey business.

I'm worried his licking himself
is anxiety. That he's lonely.

Enough.

Assuming this is a 50-minute session,
I have 18 minutes left to get my answers.

-What is it you're searching for?
-Nice try, bait and switch.

I was a teenage bulimic, my father came
out when I was 15. Not my first analysis.

I need you to show me how
you helped Chuck transform.

-I told you, there is no one answer.
-There isn't? You don't wanna give it.

-You don't want me to fix Louis.
-Are you saying...

...that you want your fiancé
to be more like Chuck?

No.
More like the man Chuck's become.

Like Louis used to be
when Chuck was like Louis is now.

If you don't mind me saying so,
you seem confused.

Only by Chuck's refusal to disclose.
If he really is a good person...

...why doesn't he tell me
how he got that way?

Obviously, he hasn't let go...

-...or he'd give me the information I need.
-Let go of the intimacy between you?

You said it, not me.
And you're the expert.

I did let you go of you, Blair.

Then prove it by telling me how.

I can't.

But if you don't believe me,
call on Harry Winston.

The night of the Spectator launch...

...I left the engagement ring I bought you
on the doorstep, and walked away.

I've got-- I, uh....

I have a cake tasting to attend.

You blow Cheryl Ladd
out of the water.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Too bad Carol's arrival
has put a pall over the entire evening.

Hopefully you can get her to dance the
night away, hustle her out of here.

It's taking every ounce of control not
to tell her what a terrible mother she is.

She heard you loud and clear.

Come on, Lil.
Say what you really think for a change.

I'll let you two talk alone.

Last month, you were happy to see me
and take care of my daughter.

What could I have I done to mortally
offend you all the way from Florida?

Charlie told me you made her
live under the name of Ivy Dickens.

As if being a teenager isn't enough
of an identity crisis...

...without having to assume
a false one.

How dare you?

You know nothing about Charlie
or our relationship.

I know you put your hatred of our family
above her well-being.

What else is there?

I assure you, being Ivy
is the only thing that saved Charlie...

...from the despicable fate
of being a Rhodes.

Hey, Max. It's Serena.

So it turns out the party tonight
was canceled.

And I have my mom's apartment
all to myself...

...if you want to come celebrate
being over Ivy with me.

We do have cake, after all.

Seven o'clock, don't be late.

GOSSIP GIRL: Chaka Khan
might have been every woman...

...but it looks like Charlie Rhodes
is about to have trouble being two.

ALESSANDRA:
I wish you wouldn't take it as a negative.

It's called "I Hate Humphrey."

Yeah, to get people talking about you
and your book.

Sugar and spice and everything nice
get no attention.

Sex tapes and public brawls
make people famous.

I'm not Snooki. I'm a writer.

Who skipped out on his book tour.

My career's on the line here too.

I took a chance on a young,
inexperienced author.

I tried getting you back on radar.
I knew you wouldn't like the method.

If it makes you feel better there's
a Twitter called "Humphrey Love" too.

-That's me.
-Oh. Heh, sorry.

I should have recognized
your scalpel-sharp self-deprecation.

I have over a thousand followers.

Ha, ha.
Yeah, let's hope they bought books.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
I'll close the account.

No, I have a better idea.

When Tripp told me he and Maureen were
with you all of August, it didn't feel right.

That's when my reporter said she
was spotted with her sailing instructor.

She could have snuck to D.C.
for a night or two, I imagine.

Which is why I called the club.

The only sailing lessons
Maureen ever took...

...were from a woman named Heather
two years ago.

-Are you saying--?
-Maureen's faking an affair?

Yeah. Wouldn't be the first time
she's faked something.

Think of what it'd do to Tripp.
It'd hurt him immeasurably.

Or help him.

Tripp hired a new campaign manager
to explore running for governor.

Last time he needed help...

...Maureen hired someone to jump in the
Hudson so Tripp could look like a hero.

So now she's making him into a victim?
Seems like a risky move.

Well, think about it.

Politician fighting for good
in Washington...

...while his wife steps out on him
at the yacht club?

It's a sympathetic story.

I can't believe that Maureen
would risk her marriage.

She'd make a public apology
and go to counseling.

Convince him it'd be better
to stay together.

When his name's on that ballot...

...people remember him as a guy who
fought a rough patch to save his family.

It's pretty shrewd.

At least you won't have to run the story
of her affair.

No, I'll just run this one instead.

I understand you're, uh, upset
by Maureen's manipulations.

But Tripp was completely in the dark
about her antics with that river rescue.

I'm sure this is the same now.

This is not a story.

This is a family squabble
that could cause your cousin his career.

I'll do the right thing, don't worry.

Mm. I have no idea.
They're all so delicious.

I agree. Every morsel
is like taste of heaven.

But you must choose
top three choices...

...before Sylvia Weinstock,
queen of cake, arrives.

How can I choose wedding cake
when my groom has lost his sweetness?

Peeing in fountain was not answer?

Stop mentioning that or I'll never
be able to toss a coin in again.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

And I need all the wishes I can get.

I'll get us some milk.

So much cake
make baby kick up storm.

What are you doing here?

-Why'd you walk out?
-You weren't gonna reveal your secrets.

I had cakes to taste.

So if you'll excuse me,
I haven't even begun the buttercream.

Dr. Krueger thought
you were upset I returned the ring.

He has too many PhDs.

They cancel each other out
and make him a moron.

I returned it because
you asked me to let you go.

I wanted to move on.
To give you the happy life you deserve.

[SIGHS]

All this time I've blamed you...

...for pulling me into the dark.

But I was wrong.

It was me
who brought out your dark side.

And now that I'm with Louis,
I've done the same to him.

I'm sorry.

[KOOL AND THE g*ng'S "LADIES NIGHT"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, yes, it's ladies night
And the feeling's right

These glasses of champagne used to be
served with a...white lady appetizer.

Uh, Mother, since we have a little time
before the party...

...Rufus and I have a small gift
for you.

Opening night. I tracked it down.

How surprisingly thoughtful.

If I had any memory of that night
I'm sure it would be fond.

[ALL LAUGH]

Ugh. Her favoritism is nauseating.

Now's not the time to be mad at CeCe.

All she has to do is sign a paper
tomorrow and we're in the clear.

You're a better actress than I thought.

You got more out of her in three minutes
than I have in 45 years.

I was just kind to her.

Maybe you should try it.
She is getting older.

And meaner.

You don't know these people.

They're my family, not yours.

-Remember that.
-Of course. Sorry.

[CECE, RUFUS & LILY CHATTERING
AND LAUGHING]

Mother, let me see.

Oh, your body looks amazing.

-Max, what are you doing here?
-Serena said to meet her here.

-She said the party was canceled.
-Well, it's not.

If Lily sees you here,
everything will be ruined.

SERENA:
I see you two found each other.

No need for introductions,
right, Max and Ivy?

Serena, this isn't what it looks like.

-Oh, so you two didn't used to date?
-We did.

-You didn't pretend you'd never met?
-We did.

You didn't try to convince me
not to see him again...

...because he may still be hung up
on his ex, Ivy?

Uh, girls, this is not the time.
We need to get to Grandma's party.

Max, nice to see you again.

You know him? This is insane. I'm not
going anywhere till Charlie's alter ego...

...who everyone seems to know,
but me, explains what's going on.

LILY:
It's not her fault.

Carol had her live as Ivy
because she hated being a Rhodes.

You can't blame Charlie
for her mother's insanity.

My insanity? Is this how
you get along for Mom's sake?

What's for my sake?

I just want the truth, Charlie.

I invited you back to New York. My mom
and Rufus gave you somewhere to live.

CeCe got your trust fund back.

Now, stop lying and tell me what you
and your boyfriend are up to.

[ALL GASP]

GOSSIP GIRL: Just when things
are about to hit the fan...

...they hit the ground instead.

With a thud.

LILY: Mother. Mother.
-Her pulse feels okay.

CAROL:
Give me your jacket.

SERENA: I'll call an ambulance.
-Please, I'm all right.

-Don't get up quickly. You fainted.
-Don't try and pin this on me.

-Are you all right?
-I will be when you let me off the floor.

RUFUS: Okay, let's get you somewhere
more comfortable. Up we go.

-Good. Okay.
CAROL: Okay.

Look, you still look pale.
I think we should call Dr. Sue.

I won't wait for some concierge doctor.
We'll take you to the hospital.

RUFUS: Let's get her over here.
-I told you I'm fine.

I know what's wrong.

Yeah, you keep this apartment
excessively warm.

Just tell them, Grandma.

She's been dieting
to fit into her jumpsuit.

A few martinis and glasses of
champagne on an empty stomach...

...and anyone would pass out.

Charlotte's right. I'm afraid
I let my vanity get the better of me.

But, um, something delicious to eat
will fix me right up.

Comfort food.
That's something I'm good at.

Why don't you go ahead of me,
darling?

Oh, don't be silly, Mother.
We'll have our own celebration.

Once we get Grandma something to eat
and make sure she's okay...

...Charlie can get back
to telling us everything.

Thanks.

It's so nice working for someone
who means what he says.

Yeah, well, let's, uh....

Let's hope everyone feels
the same way.

"We at The Spectator
are the voice of honesty...

...not the wealthy
or politically connected.

A family member tried to manipulate
our site for personal and political gain.

We're not going to name names.
We won't post the story or bury it.

Instead we come with a promise...

...that we will never let money,
power or personal agendas...

...get in the way of reporting the truth."

Told you I'd do the right thing.

I'm sorry we have different versions
of what that is.

I'm not here to reprimand you.

You remind me of myself
when I was your age.

Wait, you're not angry
that I alluded to Maureen?

You're your own man, Nathaniel.

I've always loved you,
but now I respect you too.

You never pulled me
to the dark side, Blair.

I appreciate you trying
to make me feel better...

...but I have my answer.

You were the lightest thing
that ever came into my life.

Then...

...why did it take letting me go
to find this whole new side of yourself?

I only turned dark and desperate
because I was afraid of losing you.

Your love kept me alive.

But you survived without me.

The worst thing happened
and I didn't die.

But I had to find a way
to move on with my life.

I only want you to be happy.
I'm just sorry it couldn't be with me.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Oh, Blair, there you are.
I brought some more samples with me.

I see the groom is here too.

I'm not the groom.

When I saw you in L.A., I lied.
I didn't tell you Max was my boyfriend...

...or that I was living
under the name Ivy Dickens.

-Who's Ivy Dickens?
-Sorry, Mother, that was my fault.

I didn't want anyone to find out
she was a Rhodes...

...and use her for her money,
which is exactly what Max is doing.

-I'm not the one using you. She is.
-He's blackmailing me.

Is that what you wanted the money for?
Not for an apartment?

He manipulated me into doing things
I'm not proud of.

-What are you talking about?
-He has a tape...

...that he was threatening to expose.

I was worried he was gonna do
the same to you, Serena.

That's why I tried to get you
to stop seeing him.

-I don't have a tape.
-Why didn't you tell the truth?

I just tried to pay him off,
get rid of him.

I can't believe you people
are buying this. She's scamming you.

She's not Charlie Rhodes.
She's Ivy Dickens.

-She's a wannabe actress from Florida.
-I think we've heard enough of your lies.

You're not her real mother.
She grew up in trailer parks.

Her father was a heroin addict...

...who died right in front of her
when she was 8 years old.

It's what I told him
to make him believe I was Ivy.

I have proof.

-You took it.
-Enough.

This is my granddaughter,
Charlie Rhodes.

I was there the day she was born.
She is my family.

I don't need any proof.

I know it in my bones.

You should go
before we call the police.

Just remember, I warned all of you.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Sister Sledge sang "We Are Family"...

...but she had nothing
on the Rhodes girls.

[CHIC'S "LE FREAK"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Le freak, c'est chic

Freak out!

Have you heard
About the new dance craze?

Listen to us

I'm sorry again.

I should have had enough faith
in our friendship to tell the truth.

Oh, it's okay.
But I do see why you fell for Max.

I mean, he seemed perfect.

Too bad he was just seeing me
to get to you.

-You'll find someone great.
-Mm. I hope so.

-But at least Max left his cake.
-Mm.

I think I'm gonna
get some more champagne.

Can I, uh, interrupt your slide?

Yeah, you know,
I think I'll go find an extra fondue set.

I'm sorry about changing
Charlie's name.

It took Mom fainting for me to realize
why you were so upset about it.

I just want us all to be Rhodes
for as long as we have left.

Me too.

It's another example of my overprotective
parenting getting the best of me.

I may have been a little quick
to judge again.

But it's only because I've come to love
Charlie as if she were my own.

Great. Now she'll have two moms
to screw her up.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I love this song.

Has your head spinning all around

Thank you for your discretion earlier.

No problem.

But, um....

You know, if you're really sick,
I think you should tell the family.

-They might care more than you think.
-Perhaps.

But I appreciate
you protecting my secret.

We all have them.
It's a Rhodes family tradition.

Find a spot out on the floor

Ah, freak out!

That's not nearly mean enough.

Here, let's switch.
I'll be hate, you be love.

"Talk about by-the-numbers.

Humphrey's more Hardy Boy
than Hemingway."

-Heh. Impressive.
-I've been at this a while.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

ALESSANDRA:
Oh, my God.

Katy Perry just retweeted us.

What?
She's got like 9 million followers.

Those are best-seller numbers.

You went full Jerry Maguire
and the family approved.

Sounds like a successful
editorial to me.

I must say, being in control
felt pretty damn good.

As will losing it.

How was your day with Blair? Did you
teach her how to turn Louis around?

I told her the truth.

The whole truth?
You should work for The Spectator.

I just wish I had the courage
to do it sooner.

I've finally become the man she wanted,
and she's already chosen another one.

I'm too late.

You still love her, huh?

I can't imagine the day I won't.

GOSSIP GIRL: Long after the clubs
have closed, "Disco Inferno" rages on.

For some, it's burning desire
that keeps them awake at night.

Miss Blair, if you finally find key
to bring Mr. Louis back to castle...

...why you not look like perky self?

Just tell him he will not lose you
and he will be prince again.

I can find time difference so you can
call him in third-world country.

[BLAIR GROANS]

No, I need to rest.

All that wedding cake made me sick.

You're dismissed.

GOSSIP GIRL: For others, it's the flames
of uncertainty that plague them.

Looks like we're finally in the clear.

You can leave anytime you want.

Would it be okay with you if I stay?

You have enough money, you could
set yourself up anywhere in the world.

It's not about the money for me.
In fact, you can have all of it.

Then what do you want?

A family.

I'm sorry, I never knew that
you'd had such a troubled upbringing.

Yeah.

I swiped this when Max
took off his jacket.

[SIGHS]

I'll make sure no one ever sees this.

Thanks.

Well, if they ever found out the truth
about the real Charlotte Rhodes...

...they would never forgive me.

This way,
we both get to keep our family.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

What do you want?

My life back.

The move to Los Angeles,
the job I gave up with Boulud...

...the two years I spent believing you
and loving you...

...when all you did was lie and cheat...

...so you could have some fancy life
that isn't yours.

You better watch your back.

Because I'm not leaving town until
I get what I deserve.

Good luck with that.

No one can touch me anymore.

I'm a Rhodes now.

GOSSIP GIRL:
If you're going to play with matches...

...make sure you don't leave them around
to spark the flame anew.

Disco isn't actually dead
and neither am I.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.