01x03 - Don't Do Me Like That

[bunniefuu]

"Don't Do Me Like That"

What?

Honey, when you write a college essay, you need to write about who you really are, not who you pretend to be, okay?

So no more stuff about how you're a huge fan of the Clash.

I love the Clash.

Name one of their songs.

"Should I Stay or Should I Go."

Name another.

Well played, but if you t*rture me, I'm gonna t*rture you.

I'm going to college next year.

You're gonna be all alone.

I'm really excited for you.

Really, Mom?

(dish clatters)

Mom?

(voice breaks) Need a sec.

(telephone rings, beep)

Hello?

Hey.

What are you doing?

It's midnight, and I'm trying not to cry in front of my son.

(dance music playing)

That's cool.

So remember how Nezzie and I went to Miami, and we split a hotel room?

Well, tonight she said that I hogged the bed like a big, blonde bear, and I kind of overreacted, and I slapped the bitch.

Ohh.

I'm P.M.S-ing hard.

Cut to the chase.

She left me at a club, so I need a ride home and a place to crash tonight.

Okay.

I'll be right there.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Honey, I'll be back in an hour.

Jules Cobb, mother to the world.

Well, I like to help people.

Feeling needed is like my cr*ck.

I crave it.

That's a great message for the kids.

Besides, having Laurie over will be fun.

It's like having a slumber party.

(cell phone chimes)

Laurie, you're getting another text.

Shut up, Nezzie.

(sighs)

I was that bad?

If we were in prison, I'd be your bitch.

Oh.

(engine starts)

Bye, Amber!

That's not her name.

Oh, I was just guessing.

Her name is, uh, Candee.

Neat! Is she a lawyer or a nuclear physicist?

(laughs)

Oh, great. The girl with three toe rings finds it funny.

One of them's a tattoo.

Wow, you shuffled that poor girl out early this morning.

Did you even feed her?

I don't like eating with people.

What about what she likes?

Thumpy music.

What else?

Shiny things.

Little more.

Cartoons.

Tell me what you know.

Being a vegan, except for pizza.

Oh, paper buddy, there's not an endless supply of hot, dumb girls in this little town.

You keep acting like a selfish tool, word's gonna spread.

You're gonna find yourself living on Planet No-Love.

(car doors open and shut)

That means that girls won't want to sleep with you anymore!

Got it.

He's got it.

What are you thinking about?

I was just dreaming about having sex with you on a beach at sunrise.

Oh, that's sweet.

Here's what I don't like about it.

We're never having sex at sunrise.

It's way too early. Have you ever done it at the beach?

I mean, there is sand everywhere--just ew! Ooh.

Also one word--

Bugs.

So why don't you move me from the beach to a nice hotel?

There's no hotel.

What is this, like a side-of-the-road kind of beach where cars drive by and honk, and I'm like, whoo!

You know, like, ow!

I mean, I'm not some whore, Josh.

I'm not sure what's happening.

I'm sorry.

You know what? I think we're just both really sexually frustrated.

This whole waiting for ten dates rule is just really rough.

Yeah.

I know I'm being rude, but I'm starving.

If you're not gonna eat that, may I have it?

My omelet?

No.

Good god, Barb!

I'm happy this is our seventh date.

Do you remember that time that we played tennis and then went to dinner and saw a movie?

Yeah.

That's two locations and a wardrobe change.

That's gotta count for at least two dates.

So that means this is our ninth date, and tomorrow's our tenth date, and we can finally--

Josh, Josh. Come on, we're both adults here.

Please, let's not make too big of a deal out of it.

Laurie!

Laurie!

Laurie!

Laurie, it's tomorrow!

It is?!

Yes! Tomorrow, Josh and I finally get to have...

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Dershon.

Please have a seat.

I'm gonna show you some lovely homes today.

Oh, you want to see a cool magic trick?

(crying)

(stops crying)

Ta-da.

You're safe now.

And this will be my last bite of food today so that my stomach looks super flat tonight.

What's happening tonight?

Mmm. I'm hosting a conference on mind your own business.

Wow, I'm sorry.

That was a little mean.

Here, honey, have the rest of my bagel.

Oh.

(imitating Hannibal Lector)

Hello, Clarice.

Come on, Travis.

We gotta go see your dad.

Hey, I'll take him over.

I know Bobby was your best friend, but once Jules divorced him, that ended.

You are forbidden to see him.

It doesn't bother me, Ellie.

This is not about you.

Say good-bye to mean mommy.

Mm-hmm.

So what time is your gentleman caller arriving tonight?

I told him to show up at 8:00.

Is that enough time to prepare?

It's 10:00 in the morning.

Is she serious?

We're 40, Laurie.

For us, getting ready for sex is like... prepping for a space mission.

Well, I already scheduled your mani-pedi.

Now my Russian eyebrow lady was m*rder*d--long story.

So I was thinking you could just have the same girl that does your bikini wax do your brows.

You can't use the same person for both things.

One's a gardener.

The other's an artist.

Oh, if I'm gonna get waxed, I gotta tidy the den before the maid comes.

Mm.

What the hell does that mean?

Oh, it means Jules is so crazy, she has to give herself a trim before she gets waxed so her waxer doesn't think she's a cavewoman.

Oh, I also have to blow out my hair.

I've gotta buy candles, wash my sheets.

I gotta do a thousand sit-ups and buy a bra that doesn't squeeze my back so tight that I get, you know, back boob.

Wow, Jules, you're really going all-out for this guy.

Why? You don't ever try to make it special?

I don't know.

If I really like a dude, I'll stop texting while we do it.

I wish you were my daughter.

Travis, did you finish your college essay?

(high-pitched voice)

Yeah. It's great.

You have to do it this weekend.

(normal voice)

How'd she know?

The high-pitched lie-- every man's tell.

No, it's not.

Really? Have you ever had a dirty dream about me, Travis?

(high-pitched voice)

You? Sick! (clears throat)

(normal voice)

Mom, make Laurie stop.

Come on. Let's go see your dad's new place.

New place?

Where did he move?

Isn't it beautiful?

The ocean just makes you feel alive.

(seagulls calling)

It might be nicer if the boat were actually in the water.

You're ruining it.

Peekaboo! Thanks for letting me stay for breakfast.

Isn't this fun?

It's so fun.

Oh, you are so nice.

Tell your friends.

Yeah, right. I mean, if I told Diedre, she'd be all over you.

This one time on a booze cruise, she was all, "Your boyfriend is tasty," and I was all...

Excuse me for one second.

Oh, my God!

So... booze cruise.

Right. So she was all, "Your boyfriend is tasty."

Oh!

I'm having a crisis.

Is this a "real crisis" crisis, or a "my feet look like elephant feet" type crisis?

'Cause I know mine do.

I've gotta take a shower before my mani-pedi!

I hate my baby.

Oh, my God!

(dog barking)

That's been going on all day.

Wow, he seems tense.

Yeah.

All right, let's go.

You know how I take a nap every day from 10:00 to 11:45?

Your life is better than mine.

I know.

Anyway, I just had this dream that I looked into Stan's stroller, and he was completely made of chocolate.

And...

You ate your baby?

We're just not connecting.

We have completely different tastes in food, music and books.

And I just know when he gets older, he's gonna do something to drive me crazy...

(voice breaking) like marry a poor person.

Do you want to go get Stan and take him to an Italian ice place so you feel like he loves you again?

Yeah.

I found barnacles and a starfish in the cabin, and it smells really weird down there.

Yeah, well, this particular vessel was underwater quite some time.

Yeah, I'm not sure "Jealous Much?" is the right name for your boat.

Man: All right!

Ooh, this is a sweet jam.

Travis, take the bass, buddy.

I'll hit the solos.

♪ Rock and roll hootchie koo ♪

(falsetto voice)

♪ Rock and roll hootchie koo ♪
♪ Lawdy, mama, light my fuse ♪

Yeah, what's up, landlubbers?

Did somebody say, "Keep on rockin'"?

(whistles)

See you in homeroom, Travis.

(chuckling)

I can't wait, Doug.

Hey, Dad, does this thing have an anchor you could drive through my skull?

(laughs)

Nobody tells my wife I was here.

Okay, okay, Mr. Torres, do you believe this thing?

It's even better than you said.

Ha! "Jealous Much?"

Uh, yeah!

(laughs)

Classic tune! Turn it up!

(turns up volume)

Oh!

Oh, Stanley.

Look how much he loves me.

Oh, you got somethin' on your face there, buddy.

Oh, my God.

Look how disgusting your nails are.

Were you trapped in a well?

I missed my appointment, and as of now I've missed my waxing, too.

I'm gonna have to push Josh off till tomorrow.

Oh, no.

But you were so excited.

But what am I supposed to do?

I've got two hours, and that's barely enough time to moisturize.

I'll make new appointments.

Get going.

Really?

Go!

Oh, God. Okay.

Do you think--

All right, I'm going, I'm going!

Go, go, go!

I'm not sure I'm comfortable doing the manicure while she's waxing you.

It's not about you being comfortable, Lisa.

I'm on a sexual deadline here.

And, Carol, please do me a solid and blow on that stick.

That stuff is crazy hot.

Lisa, use the same red as last time.

All right, let's go, people.

Move it, move it!

This will only work if you stay perfectly still.

No problem.

No one has ever done this.

Bring it. I'll be still.

(loud rip)

Wow.

(voice breaking) But that really is beautiful red.

(loud rip)

Aah!

Why the hell did I park so far away?

(cell phone rings)

Damn it! Hey, kid!

(ring) Grab my phone and put it next to my ear.

(ring)

It's okay. I know your mom.

All right.

Come on, hurry.

(beep)

Hello?

I went swimming at Dale's, and now he thinks it's funny to take my clothes.

Will you come get me?

Do you really know my mom?

Yes.

She's a very close friend.

Laurie, Dale lives, like, 30 minutes away.

Thanks to the world's first mani-waxy, I actually have a sh*t at being ready tonight.

I am naked in someone's yard!

Man: Hey, Baby!

I hate you, Dale!

I'll be right there. Thanks.

What's my mom's name?

Betty.

Oh, I don't know.

Just grab a dollar when you put the phone back.

Wait! That's a 20!

Whatever your mom's name is, she didn't raise you right!

Chump.

(groans)

♪ You hit me once ♪
♪ I'll hit you back, you gave a kick, I gave a slap ♪
♪ You smashed a plate over my head ♪
♪ and I set fire to our bed ♪

(spritzing)

♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ My black eye casts no shadow ♪
♪ Your red eye sees no pain ♪
♪ Blood sticks, sweat drips ♪

Ow!

Ow!

♪ A kick in the teeth is good for some ♪
♪ A kiss with a fist is better than none ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ A kiss with a fist is better than none ♪

(doorbell rings)

Come on up!

♪ Blood sticks, sweat drips ♪
♪ Break the lock if it don't fit ♪

(whimpers, falsetto voice)

Hot, hot, hot.

(knock on door)

I'm in here.

Your door's locked.

(sighs) Damn it!

Ow!

(thud, bubbling)

I'm fine.

(lock clicks)

Just count to three and come in.

Oh! Ah.

♪ To our bed ♪

Hey, stranger.

Wow.

Oh.

Are you okay?

I banged my foot pretty badly when I fell, but... you can't see the blood through all these bubbles.

Good.

So you want to join me?

I did not realize how tall you are.

This spigot's digging into my spine.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

You like it?

It's pretty sweet.

(singsong voice)

Be sure.

I am.

(normal voice) Okay.

Tag off. It's a keeper.

Let the tenth date begin.

Mmm.

Wow.

Wasn't that amazing?

(high-pitched voice)

Yeah.

Wait.

Was that high-pitched?

(normal voice) What?

Nothing. Um, on a scale from one to ten, was that a nine?

(high-pitched voice)

Definitely.

Was it a six?

Way higher.

(whispers)

Son of a bitch!

He gave you a six?

A six at best.

On a scale from one to ten?

Yes, Ellie.

(cell phone chirps)

Oh, boy.

That's Josh again.

He keeps texting me frowny faces.

Honey, it was only one night.

Yes, but with the decorating and the counting down of the days and the buying stockings...

It was like a bad Christmas.

You were probably just off your game, Jules.

It happens to all of us.

No, it's true.

I'm not a great kisser.

I get all bite-y.

It can k*ll the mood and really hurt people.

Eh.

I never know what to do with my hands.

Last night I caught myself tapping the drumbeat to "We Didn't Start the Fire" on Andy's butt.

And if I don't have it, I just whip out the girls.

They're my safety nets.

Well, I did feel a little off.

I mean, when I was on top, my knee kept clicking.

Ugh. Whenever I'm on top, I can't stop thinking about what I look like.

It must look terrifying.

(humming Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire")

Why is that song in your head?

I don't know.

Hey, Bobby, you and I get along so well.

Maybe our sons should start hanging out.

I'm 16 years older than your son, Mr. Torres.

Hey, T-man, why you laying down?

Because, Dad, I don't want anyone to see me.

You know, what you don't seem to understand is that when you add together the golf cart that you drive around town, the super fun fact that you mow lawns at my school, and your brand-new land boat...

Well, I'd say you embarrass me a little.

And by "a little," I mean more than any person ever!

Now I'm gonna crawl downstairs and grab a hot soda.

Do you want one?

Mr. Torres?

Whoa. Body blow.

I think you're amazing.

Thanks, man.

Here are your drinks at 10:00 in the morning.

Well done. And your pie is on its way out.

You know it serves eight, right?

I don't need the attitude.

Oh, really?

Because thanks to you, that ridiculous girl Candee won't leave my house, and that's Candee with two E's and no last name.

(chuckles)

No last name.

(chuckles) That did cheer me up just a little bit.

(cell phone rings, beep)

Hey.

Hey, Travis is in one of his moods, and, uh, you know I'm not very good at talking to him.

All right. I'll handle it.

Hey, wait a minute.

Was I good in bed?

(chuckles) Hell, yeah, J-Bird.

I mean, you remember that one time on the beach in Key West?

Yeah, that wasn't me.

(chuckles) What about the time on that putt-putt course?

Also not me.

Come on, Bobby.

I need this!

I got it.

The best time ever was when we made Travis.

Yeah.

And when was that?

Damn it!

Ohh.

(beep)

All right, so I'm horrible in bed.

No.

But you know what? That's okay.

Because now if I sleep with someone, and they choose to stay with me, I'll know that it's not because of the sex.

It's because they like me...

Mm.

For me.

Where is that damn pie?!

No last name!

(sighs)

Where are you going?

Stupid Bobby needs my help.

Oh. All right, well, let's go.

What? Where?

Yeah.

We live, like, two minutes from the beach.

When's the last time you were here?

Nobody has time to go to the beach.

I come here every afternoon when I tell you that I'm out seeing if our real estate signs are still up.

Oh, good.

I take my afternoon naps here.

Oh, my God. You sleep, like, 21 hours a day.

Yeah, because I know how to take care of myself, and you don't.

I take care of myself.

No. Yesterday was supposed to be your day, and you spent the entire time helping me and giant safety nets over here.

Oh, speaking of which, I may need a ride back to Dale's later.

We made up 'cause he gave me my clothes back and bought me this ankle bracelet.

He's so funny sometimes.

No, he's really not.

And so what if I get off on helping people?

I mean, everybody has their thing they do that makes them feel better about themselves...

I know you're probably impressed with what you see.

That, Carol, is total rejuvenation surgery.

Up here, I'm 48.

Below the belt, I'm 19.

Now let's detail this Ferrari.

Wow.

Yeah. Wow.

Jules: And some people are just doomed to hate themselves.

Why do I keep doing this?

Oh, yeah. Hmm.

Me, I buy Italian ices for my friend's baby and pick up my other friend from her recently paroled loser boyfriends.

Uh, did you not see the ankle bracelet?

Yeah. It's horrible.

(chuckles)

Jules, you spent the last 20 years putting other people ahead of yourself.

It's okay to be selfish once in a while.

(cell phone rings)

(beep)

Hello?

Why haven't you called?

I'm at your place. I was kind of hoping you'd be home.

Uh...

(beep)

Oh, hold on.

I have another call.

(beep)

Hello?

Still waiting on the J-Bird.

You said you'd come help out with Travis.

(lowered voice)

Who is it?

Don't worry about it.

(beep)

I'll be right there.

Hey.

Oh. I thought you were Mom.

I hope I didn't make any mistakes last night. I'm just--

Okay, Josh, here's the deal.

You can come upstairs if you want to, But I'm not gonna take a shower.

I'm not putting my hair down.

I'm not taking my sweatshirt off, and when I ask you to move to the left, I'm talking about my left, not your left.

So are you in, or are you out?

I'm totally in.

There's also gonna be a part that I need to concentrate, so you're gonna have to be really quiet.

I might even ask you not to take a breath for a little while.

Hey, look, I think we both know that doing the parent talk isn't exactly my strong suit.

No argument.

Oh, hell, I'm just gonna dive right in.

(clears throat)

Look, I know you're embarrassed by your old man.

You know what I think?

Tough nuggets, little dude!

I think it builds character.

And you're gonna stay with me every weekend whether you like it or not because I love you, even when you're acting like a little bitch.

Oh, and a quick tip: The kids who don't care what other people think always get the most tail.

You're welcome.

Nailed it!

(exhales deeply)

Jules, that was--

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

It's still quiet time.

(whispers) Sorry.

You know what? I want to know what you were gonna say.

(normal voice)

That was amazing.

And you know a lot of curse words.

I'm sorry if I made it all about me.

I just felt like being a little selfish.

Oh, that's cool.

Is it cool, Josh?

Is it?

Why don't you get the hell out of here and let me get some sleep?

I'm just kidding.

I wanted to see if I could pull that off.

And you totally can.

Yes! Ahh.

Hmm.

Hey, Jules, I was thinking--

Shh, shh, shh.

Quiet time again.

(horn honks)

Hi.

Hi, Mom.

Mmm.

Bye, Mom.

Love you, Dad.

Oh, my God. Did he just say, "I love you"?

(front door opens and closes)

I know. How gay is that?

But, Jules, I really gotta thank you for letting me handle this one.

It was really good for me.

And as a thank you, our top four experiences, in order--

That one time in the hammock at your parents' house.

That one time in the stables.

That one time when we went camping, and one time in the theater during "Saving Private Ryan."

Oh, Bobby!

Right?

Three out of the four of those were us.

Nice!