01x13 - Stop Dragging My Heart Around

[bunniefuu]

I have to admit, last night... was pretty okay.

Well, that's weird.

During 'it', you were very vocal about how good 'it' was.

[ laughs ] Well, yeah, 'cause it's not sexy to moan, "Ooh, this is so okay."

[ chuckles ]

Dude, it's not you.

I just didn't have any of my major turn-ons...

R.E.O. Speedwagon playing, the sound of rain outside or the smell of pine.

My first boyfriend had a pine-scented air freshener in his pickup truck.

So the bar has been set very high.

Exactly.

Look, this shouldn't be weird.

You know, what we did was totally natural, like the wind or not trusting Canadians.

I do hope we made a baby.

[ laughs ] You should see your face right now.

It's hysterical. [ laughs ]

I can't believe Jeff and I are over. What am I gonna do now?

There's not that many men out there looking for a 40-something-year-old mom who needs lots of foreplay and is a mediocre cook.

This will make you feel better.

Mmm. M & M tea.

Mmm. [ crunching ]

Okay, you're not allowed to mope around on the couch all day, wearing a break-up blanket.

I'm just chilly.

And?

And...

God gave me one last chance to be happy, and I blew it.

I did not realize that God had taken such a personal interest in this relationship.

I know. It's weird.

God didn't care, Jules.

He did.

He didn't.

He did.

You know what? Neither of us can win this fight.

[ whispers ]: But I know I'm right.

[ whispers]: She's wrong.

[ gasps ]

Wow. Okay.

You're, uh, you're really naked.

I saw what you two did last night.

You better be careful.

My grandpa got b*at up for watching ladies pee through a vent at the gas station.

Seems relevant. Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?

What?

What? No. [ chuckles ]

I just said that someday I could end up with a girl like her.

Jules is your someday girl?

My what now?

A someday girl is someone who, someday, someone else, the first someone, could see themselves ending up with someday.

It's super serious!

"Someday girl" is a great title for a new song.

Oh, I have to go see if Jules feels the same way.

Have fun with that.

Sometimes after a breakup, I like to make myself feel better by thinking about guys that I could someday see myself with.

Do you have anyone like that?

Nope. No one.

Huh. Okay.

What about Grayson?

Oh, yeah, in about ten years from now, when I'm done changing him.

The trick is to make him more emotionally accessible, while at the same time, keeping him a little insecure so he continues all that work on his body. It's a tightrope.

So Grayson. That's super.

That's a pinecone. No matter how much you keep fondling it, it's not gonna take you to Cabo.

[ laughs ] Okay. I gotta go.

Be weirder.

Jeff had a really bad case of diarrhea once in Cabo.

That's a good history.

What am I doing?

I mean, I have to bust out of this funk right now.

Well, let's start by eating a crapload of something.

Put on your elastic pants.

All right.

Hey, J-bird, if you want a funk bust, come on by the boat, and we'll pound back a box of that pink wine you like so much.

She has to choose between you and me? What will she do?

Ease up, Ellie Nelle, all right?

I'm dealing with something, too.

They're repaving the parking lot where I keep my boat, so therefore, I have to move it.

It's times like this that makes me wish I owned my own parking lot.

Really?

That's what you wish for?

Mom, I'm gonna be late tonight.

Be home by midnight.

And don't forget our rule... do not wake me up when you get home.

Solid parenting, as always.

I'm a better mom with sleep.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Hanging with the fellas -- you know, Jon, Skeetch, Toby... Keith.

All of Travis' friends sound like they're country-western singers.

Makes sense. We did name him after Randy Travis.

No, we didn't.

Well, you didn't.

No touching.

[ both ] ♪ Someday girl ♪
♪ Someday I'll meet her in our ♪
♪ Someday world ♪

Oh, no, no, no. You know what we should do?

We should go up at the end, ♪ So someday I'll meet her... ♪

[ high-pitched voice ]

♪ In our someday world ♪

I can't work with you.

I have some bad news.

You're Jules' someday guy.

Sweet. "Someday Guy" is a perfect follow-up single to "Someday Girl."

[ strums chord ]

Do you know you're actually the only man who gets less sexy when he plays guitar?

Why aren't you taking this seriously?

I promise to take it seriously...

♪ Someday ♪

[ laughs ]

Hey, Andy.

Huh?

Please don't tell Ellie anything until I figure this out.

Lucky for you, tonight is sexy night, and I'm not allowed to speak.

Apparently it ruins the fantasy.

What? I don't like the onions.

I just like the fried circles.

Do you remember when we were eating here after that slag at the salon cut my bangs too short?

[ laughs ] You ate so many fisherman platters.

You made it on the wall.

Oh!

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Have a fried circle.

[ cell phone alert chimes ]

[ mouth full ] Mmm.

Oh, I've gotta go.

I forgot it was sexy night with Andy.

I hope he doesn't mind my fried shrimp belly.

Who am I kidding? I don't care.

Mnh-mnh.

Let me take that. See ya.

Wait a minute.

I can't eat this stuff alone.

I mean, I'm going to, but then what?

Hey, Bobby.

Hey, hey.

You have any of that pink wine?

I got white wine.

Well, mix in some kool-aid and make it pink.

I've still got some white trash in me.

Whoo-hoo! You betc.

[ thunder crashes ]

You know what sucks?

I didn't even know you were Jules' someday guy.

I'm still gonna get punished.

If you're gonna get in trouble anyway, why not just hang out some more?

Are you serious?

I'm sorry. It's just that this someday stuff is so ridiculously girlie.

[ effeminate voice ] "If neither one of us is married in 20 years, we'll totally marry each other. Yay!"

[ normal voice ] Right.

'Cause that always works out.

We did have fun.

Eh.

And it is raining out.

Plus, for some reason, you smell like pine.

Ugh. It's that damn pinecone.

Hang on.

What are you doing?

[ R.E.O. Speedwagon ] ♪ And I'm gonna keep on lovin' you ♪

It's like it's not even up to us.

♪ 'Cause it's the only thing I want to do ♪

Drinking out of a third-place golf trophy makes you feel like a winner.

Ha! Good thing I didn't get first place, or you'd be blotto.

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

Oh, it's nice out here in the rain.

So what did you tell your parents you're doing tonight?

I'm at a church lock-in with the National Honor Society.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

Me, too.

♪ ...Loving you ♪
♪ 'Cause it's the only thing... ♪

Mm.

Oh, I'm loving the belly.

No talking means no talking.

Oh, sorry.

Mm.

I know I'm having a pity party, but when you're our age and a relationship doesn't work, it's just easy to convince yourself that you're not gonna have many more chances, you know?

♪ 'Cause it's the only thing... ♪

Hey, you're gonna be just fine. Trust me.

Thank you, Bobby.

♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪
♪ Don't wanna sleep ♪
♪ I just wanna keep on lovin' you ♪
♪ o ♪
♪

[ laughs ]

Ooh.

How fun was that?

Pretty damn fun.

Hey, did you notice I had some new moves?

I did.

Some were a little scary.

I know.

I don't even like doing them.

But they make me feel dangerous, like a spy or a french person.

[ laughs ]

Hey, this isn't really a big deal, right?

Come on, J-bird. This was bound to happen eventually.

No biggie.

Oh. At least it's not that awkward feeling you get when you wake up next to someone your barely know.

This is the worst morning!

This is the best morning ever!

I can't believe you got all-the-way naked for me last night. I love you.

Relax, mr. McNeedy.

It's not like it's the first time we've slept together.

Whoo!

What's up, sky?

What up, trees?

I am...a man!

Doesn't even matter.

Hey.

Hey, you.

Oh, my God. I'm so late.

My mom's gonna k*ll me.

Uh, just leave the tent.

I'll call you!

Wow. It's my very first golf cart ride of shame.

Hi, Julie.

It's not that bad.

Just pretend you're coming back from some, uh, fancy ball or something.

Yeah, I'm Cinderella.

I'm gonna grab us some coffees.

W- wait. Don't leave me. N-no!

Oh, I want a latte!

[ laughs ] Well, well, well.

Oh, good. It's Barb.

Returning to the ex-husband.

Kinda like an old security blanket -- sure, it's a little frayed around the edges, but it's still nice to wrap around your face.

How can you be that filthy this early in the morning?

I've been up all night.

I guess I just got turned around, again and again and ag...

Barb, look. There's some shirtless frat boys.

Where?

[ tires screech ]

I'm so stupid!

I could have clung to the excuse that I didn't know how Jules felt. Now that's gone.

You know, my mom always taught me to just jump in and do whatever I wanted without thinking, but I'm starting to feel like that is really bad advice.

So we had sex again.

There won't even be any proof once the bite mark on my knee heals.

That was really weird, by the way.

The reason why a woman's someday person is so sacred --

Oh, please stop saying "someday."

Okay, who cares about 20 years from now?

Don't you get it?

Sure, "someday" could be 20 years from now, but it could be tomorrow.

It doesn't matter anyway, Grayson.

Any chance you had with her is gone after the way you defiled me last night.

Defiled you?

That's not a good thing?

That -- no.

I've been using that word wrong, like, forever.

[ yawns ]

Morning.

Morning.

Where are you coming from?

Garage sale.

Got these jeans there.

I traded my jeans for these jeans.

But they're identical jeans, so, you know, even trade.

How was your night with the fellas?

Those guys are...

[ high-pitched voice ]

Insane.

Like bad-influence insane.

Ralphie wanted to spend the night throwing mannequins off a bridge, so I came home, slept up in my room, like always.

I'm lying. Are you lying?

No.

Me neither.

Your hair's a little messy.

No, it's not.

[ sniffs ]

You all right there, buddy?

Something stinks, and I can't find it. I'm worried it's in my nostrils.

Would you smell the inside of my nose and tell me if it stinks?

At any point in your life, have you ever said to yourself, "Hey, here's a thought I shouldn't verbalize"?

Hey, uh, so I slept with Jules.

[ squeak ]

Hey, look, I know you're the wrong guy to talk to --

Why does everybody think that I care about Jules?

I mean, I'm fine. You want to talk about Jules? Let's talk about it.

I'm just not quite sure how I feel about her, you know?

It's a lot like soccer that way.

Hey, Trav.

What'd you do last night?

I was out with the fellas.

Tell me their names.

Willy, Seesaw, Mark and Doug.

Tell me again.

Bill, Josh, Tad and Crazy Joe.

I saw you sneaking in this morning. You were out all night.

Look, just don't tell my mom.

Oh, I'm not gonna tell your mom, because now I own your ass.

Here. Finish taking Stan on his walk.

I'm gonna go grab a nap.

[ clicks tongue ]

[ whistles ]

How could you sleep with Bobby?

It was just sex with an ex.

Oh, my God.

Hold on a second.

[ beeping ]

No, Jules, I don't think "sex with the ex" would be a great song.

You know, it sounds like something an insensitive jerk would write, someone who doesn't understand what their audience is truly thinking or feeling.

No, it's a bad song, Jules. Bad song.

[ beep ]

That was odd. And he is wrong.

That would be an amazing song. [ beep ]

Hey, you want to jam out some lyrics?

What is with this stupid neighborhood and the songwriting?

Hey. So I did what I always do when I have a big dilemma --

I thought it out while I got a tattoo.

A Chinese character.

Oh, that's so creative.

How did you think of that?

What's it mean?

I thought it was the symbol for "strength," but it turns out it just means "food." That's okay, though.

I like food.

Look, I have to tell Jules.

She's my best friend.

But what am I gonna say?

Why don't you just go ahead and blame me?

'Cause honestly, I don't give a crap.

Sounds good.

Jules, you moved on from Bobby for a reason.

Why can't we just celebrate the fact that I'm not sad anymore?

I'm not gonna end up back with Bobby.

But, you know, being with him was-was nice, and it was comfortable, and he reminds me of why I don't want to be in a relationship.

Oh, my God. I just realized everyone should have an ex-husband for when they break up.

I'm gonna write a book, and they're gonna put me on "Oprah."

Oprah's retiring in, like, a year.

Oh, yeah, and she's never gonna be on television again.

Wake up, Ellie.

Let's go get some pizza.

You just can't act like this is wrapped up.

It is wrapped up. I wrapped it up.

Jules.

Wrapped up.

How does Bobby feel about it?

Trust me. Hooking up meant nothing to either one of us.

Ahoy, landlubbers!

Daddy's home!

Bobby?

Travis!

Dad.

"All wrapped up."

Shut up.

Oh, yeah, Tom?

Well, maybe from my house, Your house looks like an eyesore!

[ man ]: Get that hunk of junk outta here!

Jules, you coming up?

I'm thinking I'll be better off neighborhood-wise, if I pretend I'm angry about the giant yard boat.

You think they're gonna buy your act?

I'm betting I can be pretty believable on this one.

They're repaving my lot, remember?

It'll only be for one night.

It'll be like old times.

Why is he doing this?

You have to know that Bobby still carries a torch for you.

Deep down, I think I always knew.

[ door opens ]

You know, but the worst part is...

[ door closes ]

I like it.

Hey, Jules.

I mean, how selfish of a person do you have to be to have sex with someone without even considering the consequences?

It was raining, and R.E.O. Speedwagon rocked so hard!

What are you talking about?

What?

Just do what I do and treat it like white noise.

You're gonna be fine.

Bobby's always been a guy who protects himself emotionally.

Yeah. When we got married, he wanted me to say "I do" first.

He also wanted me to ride my bouquet down the aisle like a pony.

And you did, which was so sweet.

Because you are sweet, Jules.

You're sweet and kind and forgiving and --

White noise. The point is, Bobby's just fishing around to see if there's gonna be a chance.

As long as you don't fall back into any old husband-wife type behavior, you're gonna be safe.

And all this because I used Bobby as a sexual get well card.

I mean, who ultimately has to pay the price?

I feel like I always do.

Uh, excuse me.

I believe I ordered sliders, and these are just small hamburgers, and my palate demands something a little more adorable.

Fine.

Why do you keep checking your phone?

'Cause I'm waiting on a text from Kylie.

Last night, we, uh, you know.

We spent the night together.

You gonna tell your mom?

Would you tell your mom?

I still haven't.

And now she won't return my texts.

Well, we can figure this out.

The first time's pretty special.

What did you say to her afterwards?

I was late, so I ran off.

Hmm.

Welcome to the brotherhood of men.

[ sighs ]

Well, I couldn't tell Jules.

Do you know Jules slept with Bobby?

'Cause she was in a really bad place, and now she regrets it.

Raise your hand if you can relate.

Wait, I only meant for me to raise my hand.

You're a very hurtful person.

You know what? No one has to know what went on between us.

Agreed. [ laughs ]

Mm. There's only one tiny, bald problem.

[ smacks lips ]

Why are you guys buying me drinks?

Hey, Jules, why are you all the way down there?

Hey, Mom...Dad. Okay, I'm gonna ask you something, but no follow-up questions.

Deal?

Bring it, junior.

Deal.

Say something amazing happened with someone, but you forgot to say how amazing it was, and now said someone is probably really hurt.

What would you do?

Is this a riddle?

I would tell that someone how you really feel.

That's all a woman really wants to hear.

What woman?

Couldn't be more lost.

Thanks for the insight, Mom.

Dad, thanks for the, uh... thanks.

You're welcome.

[ men speaking indistinctly ]

Don't you get it?

Our son lost his virginity.

Yeah?

Yes!

Was it me, or did he seem a little cocky now?

'Cause I do not want him to get cocky.

Ah, he'll be fine.

Do you know how old that makes us?

[ laughs ] You know what else is funny?

What?

That, uh, my biggest regret is that I messed up with you.

Jules, I would k*ll to have all this back.

How is that funny?

Well, it's not funny "ha ha."

You know, it's more whimsical.

Uh, Bobby --

You just said that all a woman wants to hear is how a man really feels.

Well...

I did, didn't I?

Well...

Aw, hey, you just think about it, all right?

I'll be on my boat.

Okay, even though I found the pill from China that helps me with the heartburn I get from keeping secrets...

[ sighs ]

Why would I want to keep this particular one for you two?

Because if you tell, it will mess up all of our friendships.

[ singsongy ]: Getting sleepy...

We'll give you whatever you want.

And I'm back.

All right, give me a sec.

I want Bobby's bar tab cleared.

That's it?

No, and I want him to know that I did it.

And, Laurie, I want you --

To never tell Ellie that you saw me completely naked?

She's ruining it.

I have to go talk to him, don't I?

You do.

Will you do it for me?

Sweetie, I wish I could.

[ groans ]

[ beep ]

Hey.

Hey.

Remember this morning when you were so happy and I called you Mr. McNeedy?

I feel bad about that.

Good. You should.

Sorry about the 'tude.

Got a few beers in me.

[ man ] ♪ I wake up each morning with a hole in my heart ♪
♪ Thinkin' about her before my day starts ♪

Sweetie.

[ sighs ]

The second that you walk into the house, I relax.

Even on days when I get so mad that I actually do call a lawyer, I just remind myself how scary it would be to be out there drifting, alone.

It's weird with relationships.

Two people can start off in the same place...

Kylie, you're such an amazing person.

Bobby, you are such an amazing person.

And then for whatever reasons, they split off in different directions.

I'm sorry I didn't say it this morning, but I'm so glad that my first time was with you.

♪

Okay?

I love you.

Bobby, I love you, but not in that way anymore.

[ chuckles ]

Wow, you're not pulling any punches.

I just want to be really clear, for both of our sakes.

Honey, I'm so sorry, but... we're just not gonna end up back together again.

We have so much history and we are... we're always gonna be attached.

But our happy ending is us as friends, raising our son together.

Hey, you can think about it longer if you want.

I wish I needed to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you, and I'm so happy that I'm not out there, having to start over and look for what we have, 'cause it's hard to find and even harder to keep.

♪

I'm sorry. I'm just in an emotional place.

I'm glad you're here.

What?

How does that long, boring speech not end with sex?

Good night, Andy.

♪ Sex with your ex, it's really great ♪
♪ Oh, but sex with your ex is a big mistake ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ Sex with your ex ♪
♪ Sex with your...♪
♪ Sex with your... ♪
♪ Sex with your ex ♪
♪ Sex with your ex ♪
♪ It's the best ♪
♪ But you'll regret ♪
♪ Sex with your ex ♪

[ falsetto voice ] ♪ Ex ♪

[ normal voice ]

Very earth, wind & fire.

Or not.