02x05 - Foreign Exchange

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: What is the perfect American family? Who knows exactly? I do know, out here in the middle, it's something we all strive for.

Get your heads out of your butts and move, people!

We are not gonna be late for church again!

Yeah, we're still striving. I am sick of this, Axl!

You are always moving the arrow to my name.

It's your turn!

It was my turn to load the dishwasher yesterday.

Yeah, but mom brought home pasta bread bowls, so actually we ate the dishes, so that makes it your turn, so...

Ha!

But it's not my fault that mom's too lazy to cook, so it's not my problem, it's your problem.

Ohh! Swoosh! Nothin' but net. Game over. (Imitates buzzer) Ooh!

Ugh! Would you two stop it? That's the whole reason I made the stupid chore chart is to avoid all this.

Tell him! It's his turn! Look, I am sorry. I don't know whose turn it is to do what, and we're in a hurry, so the arrow decides.

Sweet.

(Gasps) Not fair. Spin again. (Mouths word)

The arrow has spoken. I am not kidding! You heard your mother! Why am I yelling?

Dishwasher. What's the matter with you? You're both practically adults now. It's time to start acting like it.

(Lowered voice) That the general idea of what you were going for?

(Lowered voice) Yeah.

(Horn honks)

(Normal voice) Oh, great. Now brick's in the front seat.

He's probably seconds away from putting the car in gear, so go.

Go! Ugh!

(Door opens) Did you remember to take the car in?

(Sighs) That warning light's on again.

Yes, I remembered, but I didn't do it, 'cause I called the exterminator, and it's your turn.

Nope. It's your turn, 'cause I fixed the garbage disposal, and I'm buried at work right now.

Well, where do you think I go every day?

I'm not coming home beaten down and dejected from the spa.

And if you're looking to help others, and God hopes you are, we still need host families to place foreign exchange students.

When you load the dishwasher, I didn't rinse any of my plates, so you got some really nasty scraping ahead of you. (Chuckles) Normally Sue would let things slide and just take it, but it was her time of the month...

Aah! The time when she gets her braces tightened.

Aah!

Mike. Love your sister.

(Organ playing) Now bless you all, and we hope to see you next Sunday.

(Indistinct conversations)

So, Frankie, are you guys gonna host a foreign exchange student?

We did it last year, and we're doing it again.

You get so much from it.

Oh, wow. Gosh, Nancy, we would love to, but we're so busy, what with... recycling and everything.

Believe me, it's the most rewarding experience for the whole family, especially the kids.

Really? Oh, it totally changes them.

Being immersed with someone from a different culture gives them this global experience and makes them more tolerant and mature.

(Sue grunts) Mom, Axl wiped a booger on me!

(Chuckles)

Listen, guys... (Receiver clatters)

That was the reverend, and he says there's a bunch of foreign exchange students still available. I'm sure there are.

(Sighs) Remember at church today?

I was talking to Nancy Donahue, and she...

Oh, man.

And she said it's a very rewarding experience that makes kids more tolerant.

And our kids could use some more tolerance, Mike, and guess what?

There's a kid in Japan who would love to come to lndiana. Why?

A foreign exchange kid? I don't know, Frankie.

We have enough trouble paying attention to the kids we have.

Do we get to exchange someone? 'Cause I vote for Axl.

I'm in. This is way better than the dog you wouldn't let me get.

Can we name him "Rex"?

Guys, guys, it's not about that.

This is about us hosting someone, making a difference.

We'd be like a pebble that makes a tiny ripple that becomes this wave... A wave that starts in Orson and becomes bigger and bigger all the way to Japan.

Those big waves are called "tsunamis"...

(Lowered voice) And they don't like them.

Mike, I'm serious. We have a real opportunity here.

We'll be like ambassadors. Then he goes out in the world and tells people how great it is here.

And pretty soon, America's popular again.

Come on, Mike.

I talked you into hummus, and you ended up liking that.

I'm down, but as long as it's some super hot girl from Finland or Sweden. Is there some sort of catalog we can look at?

Hey, you get what they give you, just like we did with you guys.

The day had finally arrived. The house was clean.

The kids were clean.

I even got Mike to power wash all the cobwebs off the screens.

Yeah, I should've done this years ago.

God, this is so exciting.

We're actually in the international section of the airport.

Those people over there just got off the plane from Toronto... Canada. (Laughs)

I'm proud of us, Mike.

We're actually gonna change someone's life, and they're gonna change ours. Who knows?

Maybe next year we'll be spending Christmas in Japan. (Laughs)

They celebrate that, right? I hear they got a lot of malls there, so probably.

Yeah. (Gasps) Takayuki?

(High-pitched voice) Hey! You made it! (Laughs) Hi.

(Normal voice) I don't know if you're a hugger, but you're gettin' one. (Laughs) Ohh.

Welcome to America. Uh, I'm Frankie.

This is Mike...

Axl...

Brick... and Sue. We are your family.

(Japanese accent) Okay.

Okay. (Laughs) (Laughs)

(Laughs) Oh! Can Takayuki sit next to me on the way home?

No, he's mine. Mom got him for me.

Brick, I got him for everybody.

Oh! (Laughs) We know you're not a pet.

(Laughs) You probably noticed my sweatshirt.

(Laughs) I'm on cross-country.

I'm what you call a "jock."

Itch. (Laughs)

Don't start!

Okay, Takayuki, get ready, 'cause we're gonna show you America!

Whoo-hoo!

(TV playing indistinctly)

I don't know what you watch at your house, but we have all kinds of great shows here... (Clicking)

"The Bachelor," "Bachelorette," "Say Yes To The Dress,"

"Ace Of Cakes." Oh. (Chuckles)

Don't think all American girls are Lindsay Lohan.

I'm taking an aspirin, 'cause I just got my braces tightened.

They're correcting an overbite-crossbite.

(Laughs) Do you have braces in Japan?

Do you read any anime or manga books? I have lots.

I'd love to get an actual Japanese person's insight.

No, I do not read them, and, yes, we have braces.

(Chuckles) Oh, gosh. I'm sorry. You're probably jet-lagged, and here we are pestering you with a bunch of questions.

(Chuckles) We're just so excited to have you here.

Mnh. No! Those are my fries.

Axl! Why don't you and Sue clean up and take your empty bags to the kitchen, please? Thank you.

(Bags rustle)

Uh, you know, Takayuki, you can eat what's in that bag.

That's yours.

(TV continues playing indistinctly)

No, thank you.

Sue: Axl! You are so dead! I'm sick of this, Axl!

That's American teen lingo. "Dead" means "cool."

I wouldn't use that, though. Excuse me.

Axl! Ugh! (Frankie, lowered voice) Stop it!

You want him to think we're animals? We are ambassadors!

Axl, moved the arrow again!

Sue, get back in there and entertain our guest!

I will straighten out your brother.

(Sighs)

Axl, I have had it with...

(Lowered voice) Okay, look, I'll pay you $10 to get along with your sister while Takayuki's here.

(Lowered voice) Yeah.

And that's why we have three branches of government.

(Laughter on TV)

Oh, Frankie's back.

So... (Sighs)

(Turns off TV) Tell us about your family.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Yes.

Yes, you have brothers, or, yes, you have sisters?

Or yes for both?

Yes.

Okay. Well, good.

Is there anything you want to know about us?

No.

Well, we could just gab all night, but, you know, it's gettin' late, so, Takayuki, why don't I show you to your room?

Alright, so it was a little rough, but it was only his first day.

I knew Takayuki just needed a good night's sleep and a good old American breakfast. (Ding)

Guess what?

Today you're going to school with Axl.

(School bell rings)

(Sighs) Ooh. Senior hotties. Okay. Here's the plan.

When they walk by, look confused and ask for help.

They'll stop 'cause you're exotic.

You tell them how great I am. I show up. You get the ugly one.

Got it? (Speaks inaudibly)

Oh, my gosh. Did he really?

Dude.

(Whirs)

Worst day of my life, and I live here!

It's only his second day.

(Door closes)

(Ding)

Did you know that 85% of your people have never tasted turkey and that your national bird is the kiji?

(Whispers) Kiji.

(Normal voice) Ours is the bald eagle.

Benjamin Franklin wanted it to be the turkey, which 85% of your people have never tasted.

Isn't that funny?

Yes.

(Yawns)

(Sighs)

(Sighs) Well, that was exhausting.

It's only his third day.

(Ding)

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

(instrumental, "Don't go breaking my heart", playing)

♪ Don't... ♪
♪ nobody know... ♪

(sighs)

(Lowered voice) I just sang karaoke for three hours and nothing!

And Brick told me it's their national pastime!

(Hits table)

It's only his fourth day!

(Sighs)

(Ding)

Frankie, I think we got a dud.

(Sighs) Mike, he is not a dud.

I'm with dad. I tried to play bananagrams with him.

He went to the bathroom and never came out.

He's like a cat.

You show him affection, but he doesn't return it.

He's just a shy kid who's only been here for...

(Brick, Axl, Mike, and Sue) Five days. That's right. For five days!

You can't expect somebody to come halfway around the world and just jump in and become a part of the family.

It takes time. You call yourselves ambassadors. No, we didn't. You called us that.

And I'm sorry I did.

Now I am going to the Donahue's' to borrow their toaster, because ours is starting to spark, and while I'm there, I want you to think about improving your attitude.

I know Takayuki doesn't say how disappointed he is, but his vacant stare speaks volumes.

(Lowered voice) Mom. Mom. I threw Axl's pillow on the roof, and now he says he's gonna get revenge, and...

Sue, I don't want to hear it. I'm laying down the law!

(Lowered voice) Here's a $5. Love your brother.

Hi, Takayuki. How was fishing?

Okay.

Oh, you didn't like your French toast dippers?

(Sighs)

Takayuki, I'm kind of at a loss here.

I've been making you breakfast every morning, and you're not eating it.

How do you know you don't like it, if you don't even try it?

I mean, these are really good.

They have maple flavoring baked right in. Mmm. See?

You know what?

I'll be back.

Hey, Nancy. Let me help.

Oh, thanks, Frankie. It's my third trip to the grocery store this week.

(Chuckles) Oh, you, too? I mean, isn't it hard to find something your exchange student will eat?

Oh, no. Ours is practically a chef.

From another region of Spain.

Last night was tapas from... (Spanish accent) Bar-thelona.

(Laughs) Oh, yeah. Oh, us, too.

Boy, we are having a blast over there. It's so much fun.

Oh, isn't it?

Esteban plays guitar and has been teaching us flamenco dancing. (Chuckles)

Ooh. He's such a treasure. I'm sure you all feel the same way.

Oh, yeah. Feelings. So many feelings.

You should get together with the Taylors, 'cause they got assigned a boy from Japan, too, and they're having a blast.

Mama, I made rebujitos.

(Gasps) Gra-thias, Esteban. Oh.

Come.

I brought a game from Spain called "patim patam patum."

There is lots of running and pushing, with many laughs between players. Let's play! Ooh. (Laughs)

(Sighs)

(Slurps)

(Door closes) We got a dud.

You guys were right. Takayuki's a dud. We got ripped off.

Duh. Told you.

Sue: That's what we've been telling you. He's no hummus.

What are you drinking? (Sighs) Nancy's Esteban made it.

He's been cooking, dancing, teaching them games.

They're getting this amazing global experience, and we're hiding from ours in the bedroom.

Dog's looking better and better, isn't it? I wanted a cultural exchange, and instead I get another sullen teen.

I mean, what's with his parents, sending him over here?

I would never saddle some poor Japanese family with Axl.

Hey, I would totally rage in Japan.

(Sighs) You know, I'm tempted to write the agency a letter. You won't.

Yeah, probably not, but I should.

(Sighs) Well, we're just gonna have to get through one more week with him. (All groan)

I know. I know. (Doorbell rings)

(Sighs) Now what? Wait. We can't all leave at the same time.

He'll think we were in here talking about him.

Wait a few minutes, then come out one at a time.

But not the same amount of time, or it'll look like a pattern.

Stagger it. (Ring)

But vary it, so the stagger doesn't look like a pattern.

(Door closes)

Oh, sorry, Frankie, but I forgot to ask, could you take in our mail this week?

We're taking Esteban to cedar point.

Wow. That's quite a trip.

Well, we already hit all the hot spots in Orson... the zoo, the Amish general store, pioneer galaxy mall.

He went berserk for kettle corn, and we just take it for granted.

(Chuckles) Well, I never will again.

So, um, y-you've been taking him places?

Oh, yes. It's an important part of the cultural immersion.

Can I tell you, when we first t Esteban, he was so shy he hardly said a word?

Esteban?

"Pitum patum putum" Esteban?

Uh-huh. And then we started taking him places, and he opened right up. (Chuckles)

I mean, they didn't fly halfway around the world just to sit in front of a TV, right?

No, they did not. (Laughs) (Laughs)

(TV playing indistinctly) We're the duds.

What? That's right. It's not him.

It's us. We're a horrible host family.

Oh, no. Hang on. (Turns off TV)

When you left, we were all in agreement that he's the dud. Yeah, well, he's not.

I was talking to Nancy Donahue and she... oh. (Groans)

I swear, I'm building a fence in front of that place!

It's total immersion over there, Mike.

They have toured Esteban everywhere, and all we've done is work, eat dinner, and sit and watch "The Bachelor."

No wonder he's so sullen.

We haven't done anything fun with him.

In our defense, we don't do anything fun with our own kids.

You know what we are? We're lazy. Lazy, lazy ambassadors.

(All groan)

God, what was I thinking? Breakfast from the toaster.

No wonder he just stared at me. That's what you give us.

Yeah, but you're from here already.

Your body's used to junk.

Actually rice is the main staple of the Japanese breakfast.

How long you been sittin' on that one, Brick?

(Sighs) Look, we gotta put in some effort, show him a fun time.

We need Americana...

Fall foliage, candle making, old-timey train rides, meat on sticks!

We're taking him to Brown County!

(Sighs)

(Exhales deeply)

So, Takayuki, you're gonna love brown county.

Look at this.

"Visit our replica of a real pioneer village "from days of yore, where we churn butter "and sew cozies for just about any small major appliance you can think of."

Wow, huh?

Yes. Wow.

Sue: Dad, is there a rest stop coming up?

I have to go, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think I can crack that code.

There's a sports bar in about 10 miles.

You can do your business, and I can catch some of the colts game. It's a win-win.

(Sighs)

This is great, Takayuki.

We're having some good old American fun...

Some fun you can tell your whole country about.

(Engine sputters and dies)

(Hissing)

Classic. You're lucky you get to leave in a week.

This is my life.

This is just a temporary setback.

See, we've got warning lights going off in our car all the time. Usually it doesn't mean anything, but... (Laughs)

I guess this time it did. It was Mike's turn to check.

Mom, I really have to go.

(Sighs) The tow truck guy will be here in a couple hours.

Says the game's too exciting to leave now.

(Gasps) No! Oh, my God. It's getting really bad.

Boo-yah! That's what you get for messing with the Ax-man's pillow. Mm!

What?

Yeah. Yeah.

Remember that aspirin I gave you earlier when your braces hurt?

It was one of mom's speedy-lax.

Boo-yah! Uhh!

Are you crazy?! What... I... Mom, help!

Axl! (Sighs) Sorry, honey. I-I don't know what to tell ya.

If it's really that bad, you'll have to use the ditch.

What?! I can't go in a... (Groans)

(Laughs) Axl! You are in big trouble!

(Lowered voice) Told you to get along with your sister, and... You know what? I want my $20 back. Now!

No way! The $20 was to come on the trip.

The $10 earlier... That was to be nice to Sue.

What? I only got $5! No fair! It's not... ooh.

(Sighs)

What's this about?

Mom's paying us.

She is?

Frankie.

Okay, look...

You're seriously paying our kids to do things they should be doing in the first place?

Not everybody.

(Sighs) Let me explain.

(Lowered voice) I'll give you 30 bucks not to have this fight right now in front of Takayuki.

What is with you? You've been nuts ever since he got here.

I knew this was a mistake, but, no, you just had to have this kid.

Are you talking about me?

No. Once we knew you were coming, we were happy about it. I just wanted to impress Takayuki by showing him what a great family we are!

Sue: Axl, I am going to k*ll you! (Axl Laughs)

He took a picture of me going! It's just her head...

Ooh! But when I explain it on Facebook, everybody's gonna get it. (Laughs)

Give me that phone!

No!

Seriously. Let it go!

Here. I...

Hey! Don't you touch my cell phone!

Give it to me!

Give me the phone. Give me the phone!

We are ambassadors!

Ambassadors don't sit in the way back.

Why don't you just pay 'em, Frankie?

(All shouting over each other)

I got money!

Who likes money?

(Sighs)

Well, congratulations, Takayuki!

You wanted to see America?

You're seeing it. This is an American family.

Yeah, we yell and fight, we eat bad food, we watch too much TV, and we bribe our kids.

Not all of them.

Give it a rest, Brick.

(Sighs) Maybe you're horrified by all of this.

Or maybe you're not. I don't know. Who can tell?

I'm just... I'm done. So just go on.

Go back to Japan and file your report and tell 'em all what crappy ambassadors we are.

I can fix car?

What?

Yes. I can fix car.

You can fix car?

Yes. I can fix car.

(Laughs) He can fix car!

I know you're not much of a hugger, Takayuki, but you're gettin' one anyway!

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

We never got to Brown county, but the rest of Takayuki's visit just flew by.

Turns out, he liked to fix stuff.

Fixed our lawn mower, the toaster, put batteries in the smoke detectors, and it turns out we did have picture-in-picture on the TV.

(Hecks) Ooh.

In the end, I think he had a good time.

I think.

I don't know.

The point is, he enriched our lives. and I'd like to think we enriched his.

(TV playing indistinctly)

Zubon wo hake.

(Sighs)

Wakatteru yo. Urusaina.

(Whispers) Urusaina.