17x21 - The Monkey Suit

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(SINGING) The Simpsons

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(BEEPING)

(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HONKING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Welcome to Matinee of Blood and Commercials.

I am your hostess, Booberella.

I hope you enjoy our Labor Day Marathon of m*rder because soon, you have to go back to school.

(DEMONIC LAUGH) School!

Back to school?

Oh, my God. I've wasted the whole summer.

There are so many things I still want to do!

You think you're behind?

Hmm...

Mmm... Hmm.

If it weren't for my trick knee, I'd do them both right now.

I've gotta squeeze a whole summer of carefree fun into one day.

Win baseball game.

You're up, Simpson. Be careful.

That kid on the pitcher's mound is really 22.

(INAUDIBLE)

Son, you have time for the pizza party?

Sure. Why not?

(INAUDIBLE)

Bart: Mmm-hmm.

(READING)

(SINGING) That's Grease

Sit on it, Springfield! Yeah!

(ALL CHEERING)

See summer blockbuster.

(ROARING)

Get outta my face, you raggedy maggots.

Oh, so, that's why everyone's been saying that all summer.

No, not yet. I have to have a summer romance.

I'll never forget you.

Mmm.

Gotta go.

Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHS)

I just had my first kiss.

When you get to third base, I'll buy you a beer.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, now it's time for my summer activity.

You all promised we could go to a museum.

Both: Oh!

I'm so glad you picked the Museum of Natural History, Mom.

Well, I'm so glad there's a show we women can enjoy.

Weaving? Homer, you're my father.

You're supposed to protect me from things like this.

All right. Just this once you can take a drink out of my special water bottle.

(GASPS)

BOTH; What?

Sorry, loom-wads. New exhibit's in town.

Both: Whoo-hoo! Weapons!

Bart, it's still history.

Not if I spend the whole time running around like this.

(IMITATING g*nf*re)

Die, weapons, die!

Don't start the exhibit without me.

(BOTH IMITATING g*nf*re)

(BOTH GASP)

Homer: Oh, look at that line.

Time to do what I do best, ruin it for everybody.

Hey, Flanders. Thanks for saving our place.

But wait, wait. Hold the phone there, Homer...

Oh, dude. I was totally here.

You calling me a liar in front of my kids?

Because I'd take a b*llet for you, man, right in the mouth.

Ah... Ah...

Oh, fine. Take the cut.

Ned Flanders is doling out cuts?

I for one wish to partake of said.

(HUMMING)

Hey, if b*ner here is getting cuts, I want 'em, too!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Disco Stu slides in front of you.

Hey, that rhymes.

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES) Tell you what.

If we turn around, it'll feel like we're at the front of the line.

Both: Yay!

Oh, no you don't!

I'm everywhere.

Announcer: IMAX 3D Films presents...

Nunchucks: Cool But Useless.

The nunchuck was invented thousands of years ago by a Chinese monk.

Artifacts of the time indicate that this incident was hilarious.

Wow! This 3D is amazing.

You can actually feel the face.

(GROANING)

Go ahead, Maggie.

You're allowed to touch the deadly weapons.

Oh, it's a mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses.

Okay, be cool. I've got some candy in my purse.

(LAUGHING) Ow!

(GROANING)

Stop!

Come on, Milhouse. Do you want to play in the NBA or not?

Bart, my arm's out of its thing.

That means it's working.

(STRAINING)

(CRACKING)

Whassup?

(SCOFFS) You're leaving already?

(STAMMERING) We haven't even gotten in yet.

Sorry' Flanders, but when you get in, you can use my audio tour narrated by Melanie Griffith.

(Griffith) This room's nice. Let's go into the next one.

This room's nice, too.

(GROANS)

(Griffith) This room's nice. This room's nice, too.

This room's nice, too. This room's nice.

This room's nice. This room's nice, too.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Sorry, folks.

The weapons exhibit is now closed for the day.

Both: Yay?

Sorry. No "Ya?"

But you can all feel free to enjoy the rest of the museum.

(GASPS) Evolution.

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS) Excuse me.

How can you put up an exhibit on the origin of man, and not have one mention of the Bible?

Oh, we do.

My most cherished beliefs' a myth?

Daddy, was Mommy a monkey?

I can't remember.

No one was ever a monkey!

Everything is what it was and always will be.

God put us here and that's that.

But you said a stork brought me.

Yeah, that was God disguised as a stork.

Who brings baby storks?

(SCOFFS) There's no such thing as storks!

It's all God!

Please bless Daddy and Roddy...

Stop praying to that stork!

They're telling people we're descended from a pack of apes even though there's nothing about it in the Bible!

Ned, you've gotta take this thing with a grain of salt.

(CHUCKLES) I mean, come on.

Tim, this controversy could put more meat in the seats.

Well, our membership has been dwindling since those Episcopalians put in those vibrating pews.

(WHIRRING)

(ALL SIGHING)

Evolution is the hot button issue.

We need to mobilize our flock.

They'll be hanging on your every word.

(GASPS) I'll be a white Al Sharpton!

(CHUCKLING) Mmm.

Why does every church meeting end this way?

We want you to teach alternative theories to Darwinian evolution.

You mean Lamarckian evolution?

No. The Adam and Eve one.

Ha! And what if I say no?

I believe you leased your Camry from Christian Brothers Auto?

(GASPS) No! That was a once-in-a-lifetime APR!

Class, starting today, we will be presenting an alternative theory on the origin of man.

Creationism?

But that's not science.

It is now.

Are oceans God's tears?

They sure are. A-plus.

Ugh!

Now Lisa's the Ralph.

How can you teach the Book of Genesis as a scientific theory?

Mmm. This helpful video will evade all your questions.

Eyes screen-ward!

(NARRATOR READING)

Let's say hi to two books.

One, the Bible, was written by our Lord.

The other, The Origin of Species, was written by a cowardly drunk named Charles Darwin.

(GROANS)

This is slander!

Darwin was one of the greatest minds of all time!

Then why is he making out with Satan?

(MOANING)

Evolution is widely acknowledged as scientific fact!

It's even accepted by prominent conservatives like George Will and the late Pope John Paul!

That's something to think about.

The George Will?

Lisa, you've said quite enough.

Children, drown her out with whistling and arm flatulence.

All I'm saying is...

(WHISTLING)

(FARTING SOUNDS)

(MARGE HUMMING)

(GASPS)

(GROANING)

(SIGHS)

What's wrong, sweetie?

They're making us learn creation theory in school.

Today we had a test and every answer was "God did it."

Well, I think it's good to give both ideas a fair hearing.

Maybe they could learn from each other.

But they're incompatible!

Lisa, lots of times two incompatible things can both be true.

My son's a brat but he's a special little guy.

Your father says he's at work but there he is jumping on a trampoline.

(LAUGHING)

Morn, you really have to choose here between science and belief.

Well, then I choose...

Uh...

(CHOMPING)

So according to creationism, there were no cavemen.

Good riddance. Their drawings suck and they look like hippies.

Dad, you're not really reconsidering evolution, are you?

My mind is always open to new ideas.

Onions in the peas? What the hell?

(GRUNTS)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(DOG HOWLING)

It is agreed regular people can park in handicapped spaces if they're just running in to buy smokes or maybe some Pop-Tarts for tomorrow.

The system works.

And if there's no further business, I hereby declare this meeting...

I have an issue I'd like to raise.

Curse my slow gaveling.

Last week, the unscientific theory of creationism was introduced alongside evolution in Springfield public schools.

(LAUGHS) Now honestly, the Bible's about the same age as, uh, the rest of our textbooks.

(LAUGHS)

Evolution and creationism cannot coexist, people.

It is time to go back to teaching one single truth!

Homer's son's sister is right!

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Class, the town has spoken.

From now on, we're only teaching one theory, creationism.

Now please, hand in your evolution books to Groundskeeper Willie while I beat this ominous drum.

(PLAYING DRUM)

Ah, there seems to be a note on your locker.

From a secret admirer perhaps.

Mmm, don't make me laugh.

Ha, ha, ha!

(READING)

“L.M.S” Who could it be?

(VIDEO GAME NOISES)

Little Moe Szyslak?

Why does everybody call me that?

Bunch of snot-faced puke bags!

I'm so glad you could all come.

I will be reading to you from The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin.

Oh! I thought we were gonna light spiders on fire.

We're over here.

(GRUNTS)

Y'all have a nice day.

"Chapter One. When we compare the individuals of the same variety or sub-variety of our older cultivated plants and animals..."

Lisa Simpson. You're under arrest for the teaching of non-Biblical science.

(GASPS) Ugh.

There are so many worse crimes.

Why are you persecuting me?

Uh, well, we only have the manpower to enforce the last law passed.

You know, it's not the best system but...

Well, in fact, it's, uh... It's pretty much the worst.

(g*nf*re)

You live. You die.

(g*nf*re)

(CHUCKLES)

In the old days, we would've been all over that.

(SNAKE LAUGHS)

This is Kent Brockman reporting live from the trial of God v. Lisa Simpson.

Defending Ms. Simpson is ACLU-appointed liberal, Clarice Drummond.

I'm from New York.

(ALL BOOING)

And prosecuting the case against Lisa is humble country lawyer, Wallace Brady.

As the little chicken said to his mama, I just hope I don't cluck up.

(All) Aw.

I think it's fair to say if that man doesn't win, I'm resigning from the jury.

This is Kent Brockman, juror number seven, saying, "I'll have the roast beef for lunch."

So, does this theory of evolution necessarily mean that there is no God?

No, of course not.

It just says that God is an impotent nothing from nowhere with less power than the undersecretary of agriculture, who has very little power in our system.

(LAUGHING)

Now, sir, you are a scientist, correct?

Oh, that's right. I have a Ph.D. in truthology from Christian Tech.

(All) Ooh.

Move over, Carl. I got a new hero.

Yeah. This'll last about a day.

So as a scientist, what is your take on this "devil-ution"?

(LAUGHING)

Pure hogwash.

If man evolved from monkeys, there'd be evidence.

But when we look at the fossil record, here's what we see.

A missing link.

(ALL GASP)

(CHUCKLES)

I believe, right now, this gentleman's having dinner with the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny.

This is the break in the case we've been waiting for!

I mean, he doesn't exist.

Evolution is just a lot of that Hollywood hooey.

(ALL GASP)

Well, I've heard enough for today.

I have to judge a wet T-shirt contest in 20 minutes.

(SCOFFS) This trial is the biggest load of...

Oh, for crying out loud!

Now, Bambi, who started that forest fire that k*lled your mama?

Evolution?

My, my, my.

Poor Bambi. Poor Thumper.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I'm sorry, Mom.

I should have just gone with the flow like you said.

Marge: Hmm.

Well, I might as well see what all the fuss is about.

Homer... Homer, please.

I love it when you're not into it. Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah. That's it. Ignore me.

I'm not even here.

Wow. Darwin's argument is incredibly persuasive.

And his ship was the Beagle, which reminds me of Snoopy, my favorite Peanut.

Aw...

Lisa, I think I have a way to help you at the trial today.

So do I.

Milhouse will serve the time for you while you flee to Mexico.

Your new name? Senorita Ugly.

Honey, I appreciate the thought but just leave everything to me.

Oh...

You can take off the wig, Milhouse.

I'm Nelson.

(GASPS)

Now, Mr. Flanders, you're familiar with the Bible, correct?

As familiar as it's proper to be.

Don't worry, Lisa.

I've got the answer to your problems right here.

Look, Homie. I brought you a beer.

Thanks, Marge.

(STRAINING)

It's not a twist-off.

(CONTINUES STRAINING) Come on.

And you are positive that man and ape cannot be related?

As sure as I am that Jesus hates hip-hop!

Come on, open. I want what's in you!

(GIBBERING)

As a matter... Want you...

Homer. Stupid.

(GIBBERING)

Homer, I'm trying to...

(GIBBERING)

Would you shut your yap, you big monkey-faced gorilla!

(ALL GASP)

Mr. Flanders, you've sworn to tell the truth.

Can you say that this man could not possibly be related to that ape?

(GIBBERING)

You win, Lisa.

This court hereby rules that the law forbidding the teaching of evolution is repealed.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, wait. It was a twist-off.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Thank you, honey, for opening my eyes.

I can't wait to see what evolution will make next.

Maybe a bird with a people face, or a bear with pants on.

(Ned) Let's go, boys.

Your poor old Popsicle's been licked.

Mr. Flanders, wait. Hmm?

I want you to know I respect your beliefs and I can see how deeply you feel about them.

I just don't think religion should be taught in our schools, any more than you'd want scientists teaching at the church.

Well, I wish this world would evolve a few more kids like you, Lisa.

What say we take our worthy adversary out for a hot fudge fun-day?

(NELSON'S VOICE) Cram it, ya God-wad.

(GIBBERING) Wha...