Cricket on the Hearth (1967)

[bunniefuu]

CRICKET ON THE HEARTH (1967)

Cricket crocket: I suppose, I had never seen a happier room.

And there, in the corner, was the nicest little hearth you could ever hope for.

Christmas is sorta special for everybody, and we have a very special show that I sincerely believe will heighten your Christmas.

Now, as you all know, Charles dickens' Christmas Carol is one of the most famous pieces in literature.

But very few people know that dickens wrote another beautiful rendering of Christmas called cricket on the hearth.

Matter of fact, I just found out about it myself.

You never heard of the lucky cricket on the hearth?

Well, it all started in merry old england, a long time ago.

Here, lend an ear.

One Christmas morn you may look into your stocking and find that something shocking has occurred among the candy canes and toys you'll hear a funny little noise you've got yourself a cricket on the hearth Cricket on the hearth take that horseshoe off your door with a cricket on the hearth you can leave that lucky penny sittin' on the floor cricket on the hearth throw that rabbit's foot away with a cricket on the hearth you can save that sticky wishbone for another day let him abide by the fire side and luck will come a-knockin' on your door and the spirit of Christmas will live with you forevermore cricket on the hearth see that mistletoe above?

With a cricket on the hearth cut it down, you'll still be lucky step on a crack and spill the salt cross a cat that's black not a thing can halt your luck when you have a lucky cricket cricket on the hearth deck the halls with boughs of Holly falalalala, lala la la "tis the season to be jolly that cold!

This is chilly weather.

Oh, excuse me.

Be with you in a blink.

Home at last.

Well, merry Christmas to you.

Mmm.

I suppose you're all wondering what, me, a cricket, is doing here on Christmas Eve, with a home of me own?

See, I am a part of the family, as it were.

Oh, and, it's a lucky household, what has a cricket on their hearth.

And indeed, I am good luck.

For, if it hadn't been for cricket crocket here, oh, there wouldn't be no blinkin' family.

I'll tell you how it all began.

Long time ago, it was.

Oh, I was some crackin' cricket, I can tell you.

Ready to take on the world, I was.

I was looking for a proper family to adopt, when all of a sudden I spies about the happiest house I'd ever seen.

And, a toy shop, too.

I'll return in a little while.

Here now, here now, watch it!

Why, it's a cricket!

Here now, just watch it.

I am very fragile.

There, there.

I mean you no harm.

Why, I've heard that you crickets bring good luck with you.

How about staying with us for a while?

Come on, now.

Just go inside, and make yourself at home.

Uh, if you have a mind to.

Oh, well, well.

Oh, it's not a very exciting place.

Just me and my daughter, and, of course, the toys.

But, sir, I'd be delighted.

Crocket's the name.

Cricket crocket.

I'm Caleb plummer.

But we'll work out the arrangements later, after I deliver these toys.

Ta-ta.

Cricket crocket: I suppose I had never seen a happier room.

And there, in the corner, was the nicest little hearth you could ever hope for.

Perfect.

Here now, what's this?

Bertha: Oh, Edward.

I shouldn't.

Edward: No.

No, Bertha.

You go right ahead and cry.

Bertha: But I don't want you to remember me like this, all teary.

Any memory of you will be the most precious a man could carry.

But I promised myself that I'd be brave, and smile to the very end.

Oh, why must you go away?

I must serve out my enlistment, I must go to sea tomorrow.

For two years?

It's just not fair.

Darling, I'm a commissioned officer in the royal Navy.

And...

Oh, I hate that commission.

And I hate that uniform.

And I hate the royal Navy...

Bertha!

Oh, I don't, really.

I'm sorry.

I'll release you from your promise, if you want.

Oh, no!

Oh, Edward!

Cricket crocket: I couldn't help meself.

You see, that's the way it is with us crickets.

We get involved.

Edward: My darling, you will be here when I return.

Promise?

Bertha: Oh, Edward.

I love you so.

Don't give your love away wait for me I will come back to you and we'll have a thousand days of may don't give your love away I've kissed your smile 'til may I know waiting will be hard for you and I wish I could do more than say don't give your love away my longest day will be when I remember today and I'll wonder if you'll be there if the years haven't touched our love affair still moment, speak for me tell her words are much too weak for me what I feel comes to my lips one way don't give your love away cricket crocket: Well, the time passed rather quickly.

I suppose, it always does when you're busy.

Oh, and, busy we was.

Christmas was getting nearer and nearer.

Caleb: Two tacks, cricket.

Two tacks, on their way.

More red paint, crocket, if you please.

Hmm.

Make it smiling red.

Smiling red you want, smiling red you get!

How's that, luv?

Ooh, divine!

The perfect color for a smile.

I suppose, I'm being extravagant with the paint.

But no child wants a doll who can't smile.

Now, now, what's this?

Was that a tear that I saw, Bertha?

Now, you shouldn't get yourself all unhappy and teary over thinking about your young man.

It's been a year and a half since Edward went away, and, well, sometimes, when I think about him, I smile and cry, because I'm happy.

If a tear falls when you're smiling and you're still g*y inside then it means that you found a happiness your tears can never hide smiles go with tears smiles go with tears sometimes, when you're happiest smiles go with tears when you haven't seen a loved one and he suddenly appears even though you try to control yourself you'll never hide the tears smiles go with tears smiles go with tears sometimes, when you're happiest smiles go with tears let a happy little tear fall let it ride right down your face let it say, I love you I missed you so no one can take your place smiles go with tears smiles go with tears sometimes, when you're happiest smiles go with tears Bertha: Now, for the eyes.

Brown or black, or sky blue, pink.

Ohl what, uh...

What can I do for you?

You are a certain Caleb plummer?

I am.

Call me Jeremiah bleak.

I am a certain agent of her majesty, the queen.

On.

You have a certain Bertha plummer for a daughter, who in turn, was engaged to a certain Edward belton?

You mean, "is" engaged.

I am sorry, but it is my melancholy duty to inform you that a certain Edward belton, late of her majesty's royal Navy, is lost at sea.

Lord have mercy.

No.

No!

Nol!

His small mournful effects willed to her.

Oh!

Bertha.

Bertha, my darling daughter.

It's all a mistake, I'm certain.

It could be a mistake, couldn't it?

Hardly.

Oh, no.

No, no.

My poor baby.

My poor baby.

Cricket crocket: Blimey, that's a day I'd soon as not remember.

The beginning of all our troubles.

For, you see, the shock of that awful message delivered the way it was, turned poor Bertha blind.

Caleb: Oh, my baby.

My poor, poor baby.

Cricket crocket: Oh, grim times was upon us, I'll tell you.

Oh, how quick everything changed.

Poor, dear Bertha, living in her world of darkness.

And old Caleb, beside himself with grief.

Didn't touch the unfinished toys.

And Christmas was only a short way off.

And when the happy season came, he wasn't ready.

He didn't sell one toy that year.

Made nary a halfpenny.

Yeah, what money he did have, all went to the doctors he brought in, but they could do no good.

And Caleb, not thinking, went out and borrowed more and more money, never having any idea how he was gonna pay it back.

Cricket crocket: And one sad day, they could no longer pay the rent, and they were deep in debt.

Old Caleb had no choice, but to pack up and leave.

Oh, they was hard times, I can tell you.

Long hungry days, looking for a bit of work, anything.

Oh, and finally, one day...

It's no use.

Can't go one step farther.

We have no other choice.

No choice, father?

Well, what do you mean?

Cricket crocket: The poor house.

Oh, no.

You can't give up.

What else can I do?

Oh, if we ever needed a little bit of luck!

Ooh.

Is that what I think it 1s?

A toy factory.

Now, I'd wager, they could use a fine toymaker like you.

Do you think so?

Let's find out, mate, let's find out.

Bertha: Cricket, is father seeing Mr.

Tackleton, now?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Shh!

So, you want a situation as a toymaker, do you?

Well, toymakers come thruppence a dozen.

Correct, Uriah?

Yeah.

But I'm a very good worker, sir.

And I have my own tools.

And, I'm very good, sir.

He's very good, Uriah.

My friend, Uriah caw, thinks that's very funny.

I'm sorry.

I really best be going.

No, wait.

Caleb plummer, huh?

I've heard of your skill.

Well, you won't be paid anything, but you could live on the premises, and there'll be leftover food for you.

Whatever you say, sir.

Where are the other toymakers?

Did you hear that, Uriah caw, he wants to know where the other toymakers are?

There are no other toymakers.

Is this our new home, father?

What's it like?

Well...

Splendid.

Splendid.

Quite palatial.

Bertha: And Mr.

tackleton, what's he like, father?

Caleb: Oh, he's fine.

And he's made me headman of his entire factory.

Oh, father, how I wish I could see it all.

I'll see everything for you, my dear.

And everything I see, shall be beautiful.

I promise youl.

Through my eyes you will see the world as it should be through my eyes always g*y pretty colors coloring the gray through my eyes let me dry your foolish tears now and forever take my love and throw away the word called "never" let my heart teach you how to feel my love help you to reveal the secret world a new world through my eyes through my eyes you will see the world as it should be through my eyes and one day you'll be happy that you found the way that you saw the world through my eyes through my eyes Cook?

Oh, I can't call you "cook." What's your name?

Becky?

You're a very quiet girl, Becky.

And you are Jarvis, are you not?

Yes, milord.

Well, that'll be all, Jarvis, you can have the night off.

Thank you, milord.

And it was like we lived in two worlds.

What was real for us.

And what was real for blind Bertha.

Of all the blinkity, blooming hearths in all the blinkity, blooming world, this hearth is the blinkiest and the bloomiest.

Oh, well, what's the use?

Make do, cricket Crockett, make do.

Blimey!

Evening, Matey.

We got no place for bugs around here.

Cricket crocket: Hello, hello, who are you calling a "bug"?

I am an insect, I am.

I will thank you to address me by my proper rank.

I loves to mangle insects.

Tackleton: Uriah?

Uriah!

What are you doing out here?

Naughty, naughty birdie.

You come to beddy-bye now.

Into your cage, Uriah caw, it's late.

Phew.

Nighty-night, little friend.

Oh, yeah, but I'm getting ahead of my story.

It was about a week before Christmas.

Poor old Caleb plummer was working night and day to keep up with the demands of the season, as it were.

Plummer, you're using entirely too much paint on the dolls' faces!

Just trying to give them nice smiles.

Who the blazes cares about smiles?

A dot and a half is enough for any doll.

Paint costs money!

Yes, sir.

Cricket crocket: Oh, but tackleton toys was mean and grubby things.

All he cared about was the shillings and pennies they bring.

But Caleb, oh, he couldn't see them go out into the world like that.

So, every night, me and him would sneak in, and fix 'em up proper, and pop 'em back in their boxes by morning, so, tackleton wouldn't find out.

It was just two days before Christmas, when we met up with him.

Ohl excuse me, sir.

I had so much in my arms, I couldn't see you...

No, no.

It was my fault, I assure you.

Here, allow me to help you pick those up.

What is it, sir?

My bones ache so terribly.

I've no money for a room.

I'm sleeping out of doors.

Why, that's terrible.

In this weather?

Oh, you must come home with me.

I haven't much to offer, but you're quite welcome to share it with me.

Bless you, son.

Bless you.

Cricket crocket: He was a funny, quiet sort of fella.

Wouldn't hardly say boo.

Just sat there looking at Bertha, with them sad old eyes.

We're so glad you could stay with us.

Oh.

Oh, it's my pleasure, indeed.

Bertha.

What is it?

The way you said my name just now.

I am sorry.

Indeed, I am.

I was too forward.

"Miss plummer,” I meant to say.

Caleb: Here, now.

Here, now.

No serious formalities.

For we are all one family, and it's almost Christmas.

And we're going to have a splendid Christmas this time.

Aren't we, father?

With mistletoe and a big tree!

And decorations and everything!

Oh, promise me, father.

Oh, promise me.

Even though I cannot see them.

We will have those things.

But, of course.

Of course.

Cricket crocket: Now, Caleb had been li...

um...

"Stretching the truth” for a long time now, to keep Bertha happy.

But when it came to fibbing about Christmas, well, he just wasn't quite up to it.

Could it be Christmas without the mistletoe could it be Christmas without the winter snow no fireplace no Christmas tree no decorations just you and me would it be Christmas, then?

On the first Christmas there was no mistletoe on the first Christmas there was no winter show no fireplace no Christmas tree no decorations just the wise men three and it was Christmas, then the holiday season has changed but the reason we celebrate remains it can be Christmas without the mistletoe it can be Christmas without the winter snow no fireplace no Christmas tree no decorations just you and me it can be Christmas, then for Christmas lives in the hearts of men We wish you a merry Christmas we wish you a merry Christmas we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year good tidings...

Cricket crocket: Well, the following day, it was Christmas Eve.

And we were really busy.

Rest period.

Do take a rest.

And I've decided to give you a Christmas bonus.

Four whole shillings.

Here, a shilling for you, girl.

Cricket crocket: Hmm, I hope it doesn't bankrupt the old skinflint.

Tackleton: Actually, I must confess to an ulterior motive.

This is a lonely old place for me.

And I've finally decided that what I need is a wife.

Caleb: A wife, sir?

You?

Well, why not?

I cut a splendid figure.

Oh?

You say something?

No, sir.

Tackleton: Hmm.

Well, to get to the point.

I'm happy to inform you, that I've decided that the girl I would most like to so honor, is none other than your own dear, lucky, Bertha.

Caleb: What?

Tackleton: Now, we could be wed tomorrow.

It's Christmas, a holiday.

That way, we wouldn't lose a day's work.

Oh, sir.

Now, you don't have to make up your mind right away.

Take your time.

Think it over.

I'll give you an hour and 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, back to work.

Oh, father, I'm so very honored.

But...

But, my dear, you are just a child.

Bertha: Father, I haven't been a child for a long time.

You've just got to accept the fact that I'm a big, grown-up girl, now.

Lullabies and fairytales pinafores, piano scales satin bows and cheeks of Rose that was yesterday little girl upon your knee that was what I used to be bunny nose but heaven knows that was yesterday so look up, your little girl's a lady with a weighty problem daddy is her problem he thinks she's still a child carousels and wishing Wells golden shoes with silver bells starry eyes and cherry pies that was yesterday Carousels and wishing Wells golden shoes with silver bells starry eyes and cherry pies that was yesterday yesterday old man: Uh, miss plummer.

Who's that, the old gentleman?

I have happy news, sir.

And I have something to tell you.

I have waited too long.

No, no, no.

Let me tell my news first.

For it is bursting inside of me.

The most wonderful man in the whole world has asked me to be his wife.

Indeed.

I offer you, then, my heartiest congratulations.

They don't sound very hearty.

And now, what had you to tell me?

Well, I, uh, that is...

Oh, blast all this telling one another!

We got no time for it.

This is an emergency.

Why, cricket, what a thing to say.

Excuse me.

What's wrong with the old fellow?

Never mind him.

Think of her.

What can I do?

Have I deceived her all this time, but to break her heart at last?

Father, I've made up my mind.

When Mr. tackleton returns, I shall tell him that I accept his proposal.

Cricket crocket: See, I was determined that Bertha would never get a chance to say yes.

So, I called together some of me males.

Well, right on the dot, he arrives.

Do come and sit beside me, Mr. tackleton.

I've made tea.

I shall.

Oh, I shall, my pretty little lady.

One lump, or two?

Two.

Oh, yes, two, my pretty.

"Two," he says.

Comin' up, Matey.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, is anything wrong?

Tackleton: Uh, no.

And now, my dear, we come to the reason for my presence here.

That's what you think, chum.

Pepper.

And have you made up your pretty little mind?

Bertha: Well, to tell the truth, kind sir...

tackleton: Yes?

Oh!

Oh, what was that?

Never mind.

Now...

What on earth!

Excuse me, my pretty lady.

It was that cricket, made a fool of me.

Uriah, get rid of him once and for all.

And this time, no slip-ups.

Get professional help, so you won't bungle the job.

I want that cricket eliminated.

All right, quiet!

Shh!

Moll's gonna sing.

Oh, shut it.

Diamond spurs and ocean trips they don't go with tuppence tips don't feed me champagne talk when we're eating fish and chips half-a-pints and smokey kips were never meant to touch my lips don't speak those flattering words when we're eating fish and chips can't you get out of the habit of saying mink when you mean rabbit of saying sable when you can't afford raccoon you got caviar taste and shallow pockets and you'll never ever buy me the moon with my life, I've come to grips throw away your clever quips I'm prepared to love you and to love my fish and chips Hello, strangler, slink.

I've a got proper evil proposition to put to you.

What's the job this time, Uriah caw?

Eliminate an annoying cricket.

Oh, a cricket.

Uriah: Not that easy.

He's a clever one, he is.

But he must be put away.

I have a better idea.

We'll capture him.

I knows a captain who pays well for captured crickets.

Sells them in China for good luck, he says.

Hello.

Now, where's our pay?

I've got your payoff right here, lad.

Cricket crocket: Oh, I hitched up with a lovely crew, I can tell you.

There I was, setting sail for China on Christmas Eve, leaving poor Bertha in the hands of that...

Coo!

What will my family do without their lucky cricket on the hearth?

Aye, you'll fetch a pretty price, you will.

A bolt of silk, or a crate of tea.

What be the matter with you?

Deader than a door nail, he be.

Dead cricket's no good to me.

Cricket crocket: My plan worked perfect like.

I only overlooked one thing, cricket's can't swim.

Yeah, but luck was with me.

For another thing I forgot was, crickets float.

And I know you're not going to believe how I got back to land.

But this is the way it happened.

Look, so help me...

It was just before midnight, when I got back.

Home at last.

Coo.

A wedding dress.

She's going to go through with it.

It's midnight.

Midnight on Christmas Eve.

One hour in the year when magical things are supposed to happen.

Oh, maybe this bloke's still in luck.

Hello, hello.

Here now.

Here now, what's up?

Blimey.

The toys hace come to life!

What a sight!

Oh, lovely.

Simply lovely.

Doll: We've been observed.

Dearie, humans must never see toys come to life.

Those are the rules.

Here now, save your worries.

I'm no human, I'm a...

Mama...

Blimey, no.

I'm a cricket.

Phew.

Crickets don't count.

And let me be the first to say that I am happy to have you on my side.

Aw!

Well, you're all going to help stop poor Bertha from marrying that crow-loving skinflint, aren't you?

We'd do anything for Caleb and Bertha.

If it wasn't for them, we'd be ugly.

Mama.

Hush-hush.

Look, we haven't much time.

In a moment, we'll have to go to sleep again.

It's the rules!

The rules!

The rules!

The rules!

Yeah, yeah, can't break the rules.

So, let's get cracking.

Any ideas?

Conference.

Mama.

Cricket crocket: All right, break it up.

Break it up!

Enough talk, let's have a little action.

Right-o, follow me, lads!

Cricket crocket: Why are we bothering with that old geezer?

Blimey!

Oh, well, he's coming apart.

Cool that is not an old man.

That is...

Edward belton!

Oh, but it couldn't be.

You were lost at sea, you...

Elephant: Kindly allow me to explain.

You see, Edward belton didn't drown when his ship went down.

He built himself a raft and sailed to a beautiful uncharted island.

And he was there.

Well, please, sir.

He was there two years before a whaler found him and brought him back to england.

But then, why the disguise?

Elephant: Well...

Uh-oh!

Our time is up.

What's the matter with you toy blokes?

I ask a simple question, I expect a simple answer.

My beard.

My wig.

Cricket crocket's onto you.

Now, speak up.

The whole story.

Well, I may as well tell you.

I was ship-wrecked, you see.

I know all that, the raft and the island and the whaler.

What I don't understand is the whiskers and the wheeze.

I came directly to her, but then I saw she had gone blind.

And I realized it was my fault.

I couldn't just step back into her life after what I had done to her.

Oh, come on, now, she needs you more than she needs six new eyes.

That's what I hoped.

But I had to be sure, you see.

And so, I adopted the disguise.

This way, I could be near her without anyone knowing.

Oh, blimey!

Oh, there were a thousand times I was on the verge of telling her, but something always interrupted.

And yesterday, I made up my mind.

You remember, I came in to tell her.

Only to see her radiant face.

Radiant because the most wonderful man in the world had asked her to be his wife.

Those were her very words.

Oh, you...

you nincompoop!

Paying any attention to the words of a gushing female.

Oh, no, I could tell she meant it.

And he has so much more to offer her.

I'm still poor.

Poor?

Oh, right.

She wouldn't trade the bank of england for you.

I wish I could believe that, cricket.

I came back tonight for one last look at her.

I guess I just fell asleep watching her.

Huh.

You're asleep, all right.

Asleep all over.

Who are you, romantic sentimental ninny?

She don't love nobody else but you.

Edward: If I could only believe that.

Cricket crocket: Bertha, love.

Bertha?

Wake up, now.

Gentle.

Gentle.

It's only me.

Bertha: Oh.

Ohl oh, cricket.

You're back.

You're safe!

Cricket?

Cricket?

On.

Oh?

Edward: Darling.

Bertha: Am I dreaming?

L...

oh, Edward!

Edward!

Oh, Edward, you're alive!

You're alive, Edward.

Oh!

You're alive.

Edward.

Do you know about me?

I'm...

Edward: Through my eyes you will see the world as it should be through my eyes and one day you'll be happy that you found the way that you saw the world through my eyes Cricket crocket: Oh, there never was such a Christmas morning.

Everybody happier than larks.

All except, uh...

Tackleton: There I was, waiting at the church!

What's this?

What's this?

What's going on here, anyway?

This just isn't fair!

After all I've done for you?

Bertha: Oh, Mr.

tackleton?

Mr.

tackleton, I'm so terribly sorry.

But you see, my heart belongs to Edward.

It always has.

Nobody loves me!

Bertha: But we all love you.

And there will always be a place in my heart for a fine and kind and noble and handsome gentleman such as you.

Fine?

Kind?

Noble?

And, and...

handsome?

But of course.

Dear me, I feel good all over.

Nobody ever said such nice things to me before.

I feel as light as a lark, happy as a hummingbird.

Why?

Why?

I wonder why?

Maybe because it's Christmas?

It really is Christmas.

But of course!

Of course!

Merry Christmas!

Merry, merry Christmas!

Oh, cricket, you are the luckiest thing that ever happened to anyone.

Well, that's my story.

Ended happy, it did.

Here's hoping all your stories end happy, too.

May you all have good health, good cheer, and a good, merry Christmas.

Oh, and above all, may you never, never be without a cricket on your hearth.

Cricket on the hearth see that mistletoe above?

With a cricket on the hearth cut it down, you'll still be lucky cricket on the hearth I thoroughly enjoyed playing old man plummer, and my daughter, Bertha, in the play was played by my real life daughter, marlo Thomas.

And her boyfriend, Edward belton, was ed ames.

And the singing cat was delightfully played by miss abbe Lane.

And gruff old tackleton, that fine actor, my dear friend hans conried, and, our wonderful narrator, the lucky cricket crocket, was marvelous actor, roddy mcdowall.

And in the song, the first Christmas, there are the lines, "the holiday season has changed.

"But the reason we celebrate remains." Yes, that reason hasn't changed since the very first day when the wise men presented their gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

And on that subject, there's a lovely poem by the author Edmund Cooke that sums it up pretty well.

Mr. Cooke wrote, "'tis not the weight of Jewel or plate "or the fondle of silk or fur "tis the spirit "in which the gift is rich as the gifts of the wise men were "and we are not told whose gift was gold "or whose was the gift of myrrh"