Secret Santa (2018)

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SECRET SANTA (2018)

Oh my goodness You know what this sounds like?

It's majestic.

You ever hear of Carmina Burana?

Hello?

Earth to Twitter McInstagram.

Come in!

Oh, uh.

Sorry.

What?

Carmina Burana.

It's like an opera, you know.

Bah, bah, bah, bum!

It's hard to sing with the Christmas stuff playing, but it's by some German guy named Orb.

Orff.

What?

Off.

His name is Carl Orff.

Karloff?

No, he was an actor - in Dracula.

No, the Mummy.

What?

I know the piece of music!

Yeah, so - it's about these degenerate monks buggering each other.

Ain't that something?

Ha Ha!

Uh, huh.

Thanks for the lift, Uncle Carter.

You got it, kiddo!

f*ck' Germans huh?

But they did make the trains run on time!

Yes sir!

Humph!

Yeah, that's what it looks like!

I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day.

That's what it looks like to be a man on Christmas Day in the morning.

ba*ls deep!

Woo!

Jesus, honey, could you please not jerk up like that?

I I'm sorry baby, it's just the Christmas spirit is hitting me.

It's making me so f*cking hard!

I know, I just don't want it to pierce the back of my throat, okay?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

It's just-ya know come on, this is my favorite part.

Oh, they sailed into Bethlehem on Christmas day, on Christmas day.

Sing it with me, Baby!

On Christmas day, in the morning.

Harmonize!

Humph!

Oh my God-we're late!

Oh my God!

I'll give you $20 if you just take a breath.

She gets like crazy about lateness.

Says I'm wasting her life.

Same way I'm wasting mine.

Do I hear forty?

It's the smallest poison dart in her arsenal.

Sixty.

You don't understand.

She is one of those women who won't admit I'm her child in public.

Because how could she have a child may age.

I mean she actually believes it when somebody says we look like sisters.

A hundred.

I'll give you a hundred dollars, if you just take a breath.

Ya see that?

It felt really good, didn't it?

You're a hundred dollars richer now.

I worked really hard on this, Ty.

I know.

Getting everybody there and the Secret Santa bullshit and...

I just I want it to be Perfect.

You know, I want everybody to get out of their own way and...

Be better.

Look, you're doing the right thing, getting everyone together like this, you are.

And the Secret Santa stuff, but, you can't save them from themselves sweets.

You can only do that for yourself.

I should let go.

Uh-hum Maybe if I could just help Penny!?

f*ck' Christmas f*ck!

We're the first ones.

Why is that a bad thing?

Oh.

She'll be livid.

No one else is on time.

There won't be anyone to split her fury with.

What about that truck down there?

Caterers.

She's been feasting on them all day.

There's no meat on those bones.

Okay, April.

Remember what we talked about in the car?

I'm gonna ask for that hundred back and if you don't change your tune Oh, my little Rainy Day girl!

Hi, Mom.

Mom?

It thought this was your sister.

Ha!

And who is this handsome fella?

This is Ty, Mom.

The guy I told you about the last nine months?

Uggh.

Well April I mean, well, who can keep up with you and all your suitors?

Ouch.

Little darty out here.

So nice to meet you.

It's it's just a pleasure to meet you, Mrs.

Pope.

Oh please.

Mrs.

Pope is that shriveled up beast I was forced to call my mother-in-law.

Nana?

Like she ever cared about you!?

Funny, she was late for everything too.

Must be where my children get it.

But you Ty, you just call me Shari.

Absolutely, Shari.

Well come on in, your gonna catch your death, let's get you to your rooms.

- Yeah, okay.

- You are such a lawyer.

Whatever you say there, Rainy Day.

Here we are!

But Mom, isn't this the room with the bunkbeds?

Well, we are a full house tonight.

Otherwise I'd give you separate bedrooms.

But I'm sure Ty here will follow the house rules, won't you dear?

Oh absolutely, Mrs.

Shari.

Oh well, he is a treasure.

Let's hope you can keep your hands on this one, Rainy.

Well, I'll let you unpack, but don't dilly-dally because I'm serving the crudité and my famous punch the moment the others arrive.

Great.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I definitely felt those.

- Do you see what I mean??

- Wow.

She is like a porcupine.

I'm twenty-nine, she puts us in bunkbeds!

Hey, look, this could be fun.

We could build a fort, we could play cowboy and Indian princess.

I could attack in the middle of the night...

steal your land so to speak.

And why is she telling me about the f*cking punch?

This whole night is gonna blow up in my damn face...

Hey.

No it's not.

It's gonna be great.

How you think she's gonna react when “He Who Shant Be Named” gets here?

Hey, hey.

Your lawyer's here.

So, I'll take the heat for this whole thing, you can tell everyone it was my idea in the first place, okay?

Well it kinda was, wasn't it?

And I might be able to get us a better deal on this bunkbed situation.

Okay?

Sweetheart, come, I've just poured you some punch.

I'll pass.

Come on now-really?

Can you believe she's still on that AA kick?

No!

You're still acting like you're an alcoholic?

It's not an act.

Ty, my aunt, Carol Taper.

Klein.

It's Klein, dear.

When did that happen?

In June.

Marvin and I eloped.

Paris.

Oh, Paris.

It's magical.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, you're so busy climbing your steps, who knows where you are half the time.

Oh Ty, please tell me you're not going to be drinking Pepsi all night.

Ummm, uhh Oh, I see Mother may he?

He can do whatever he wants.

Terrific.

Ty?

Yeah.

Absolutely!

Sure, I'll try some of that, thank you.

You are most welcome, handsome.

Hands off, Mrs.

Robinson-he's taken.

Oh, pffft.

Oh I almost forgot Oh mom, not this again!

Cellphones!

Come on, come on!

Holiday rules.

No Cellphones on Christmas Eve.

Really?

OK here ya go.

Hey, sis!

Kyle!

It's so good to see you.

When did you get here?

About ten About ten minutes ago!

Everyone else is in their rooms.

Everyone?

Well sweetheart what do you expect when you lock yourself away with gorgeous here for an age?

We were just getting set Oh dear, we know what you were getting Oh, my God So did you come up alone?

Uh, no, Uncle Uncle Carter drove him.

You know what Mom, you don't need to speak for him every time somebody My goodness!

Do those people have any idea how expensive those are?

This is what happens when you let your children pick the caterer.

Well, I suggested them because they're really good on Yelp and they I know.

You've said.

So, who else is here?

Uh, I think Penny got here a few minutes before us.

And, oh Jack's here and he brought a date.

Oh my God, of course he did.

Sure did.

Wait'll you see what that cat dragged in.

Bunk beds not gonna slow this elf from making toys for all the naughty girls and boys, no sir!

I don't know, thought she was a pretty nice girl.

Oh Holy night!

Oh it's Christmas time in the mountains plowing a b*tch I met a month ago.

Dear diary, best Christmas ever!

You men all think that type is nice.

Slutty with a hot body and perky, gravity defying Talking about me again, Aunt Carol?

Penny!

Hi!

Jesus, April, what, do you need a kidney?

No!

I'm just happy to see you!

Why?

‘Cause.

You're my sister.

How are you?

Oh.

Great.

They just gave me a raise at work.

I'm dating a Hemsworth and I've got a yeast infection that's making pee fire.

Now one of those things is true.

Guess?

Hey-you must be Penny.

April's told me so much about you.

Why?

What?

Who are you?

Ha.

I'm so sorry.

I'm Ty.

I'm April's boyfriend.

‘Course you are.

Hey my wiggers!

How you living!?

Jackson hi I've missed you.

Wow, little sis, you are fit!

Have you been working out?

Dayum!

Yeah I have.

That and not drinking myself into a stupor.

Hold on there now peach pit.

Where do you think you're going without giving your bro some sugar!?

Half-brother!

Oh, I may be your half brother, but you are all woman!

Oh Love it!

Ok down boy.

And who is this?

Oh I'm sorry.

I'm Ty.

You must be Jackson.

I must.

And who's this lovely lady?

Oh you mean “Her Royal Hotness”?

Jackson, don't be vulgar.

Apologies Carol.

Everyone this is Jacqueline.

Jacqueline this is, you know, everybody.

Hi everybody.

Um Jackson, I need to use the restroom.

Ok It's just down the hall.

No, Uncle Carter's been destroying that one for the last twenty minutes.

Use the Master Bath-upstairs.

Great, thanks.

Mom is gonna go nuts when she finds out Jack's girl used her bathroom.

I know.

Well I think that's everyone so who needs a drink?

Well I guess you'll be needing one.

Pop!?

Dad?

Daddy?!?

What the hell are you doing here!?

Nice to see you too, Shar.

Don't you cause a scene, Leonard.

Christmas is not your holiday!

I know it isn't and I think that sucks.

Well too bad.

I knew time-sharing this house with you would be impossible.

I wanna spend Christmas with my family too.

Well you should've thought about that before you started f*cking Cathy Stewart.

You sure you wanna go toe to toe about who f*cked who and how many times?

I'm not doing this with you again.

And what the hell is Jackson doing here?

He's my son-he's just your step-son.

I'm calling the police.

You wanna do that to our kids, go ahead.

But I kinda think they want me here.

Come on, Shar.

It's our wedding anniversary, for Christ's sake.

It's one of the best times of our life.

And look at everything we've created.

Mmmmm.

Still the master manipulator huh?

Been indicted for bribing anyone at the FDA lately?

OK I'm going inside.

You wanna call the cops, call the cops.

Be the bad guy.

But you'll be ruining your own party and causing more of a scene than we already have.

And I know how you feel about causing a scene, Shar.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

sh*t.

Hey pop!

I've decided to ask your father to join us for dinner.

Well that's real big of you, Shar.

Thanks.

Uh, Daddy?

Uh, Len, your phone.

Seriously?

Great doing business with you.

Why are you here?

Because I wanna be with you.

And because I don't want your mother to win and control this holiday for the rest of my life.

Who hasn't gotten punch!?

Thank you, Carol!

She's cute.

What?

Oh, oh, yeah.

I guess.

Hey dad.

Hey son.

So.

How'd the interview go?

Uh, it went great, Dad.

That's not what I heard.

Can we not do this now?

Sure.

That went better than expected.

Didn't call the cops.

Least for now.

Thanks for inviting me.

Want some punch.

Oh sh*t I'm sorry I forgot-I totally forgot about that.

Want me...

I'll get you something diff...

You want I should get you a 'Bottie'?

Oh, that's my punch!

Ugh.

You should thank me.

It tastes like sh*t.

You in here?

Shhhh - Oh f*ck this!

- Oh f*ck this!

Oh!

Oh!

Ahh!

Ouch!

Oh sorry.

Seriously?

Sorry man.

Gonna do a Christmas drive-by Tupac?

We should have stayed in L.A.

Calm the f*ck down, they'll be cool that I'm black.

Oh my God, they don't even know that I'm g*y!

But you are.

Very Shhhh Can I can I watch, please?

Owww!

No teeth!

No teeth!

‘Cause you were thinking, with...

Figs with ricotta, pistachio and honey?

Oh of course.

Thank you so much.

One moment.

Uh what is this?

Figs with ricotta, pistachio and honey I know what it is.

Why is the ricotta on the top?

Because you couldn't pick it up if it was at the bottom.

There was to be a puff pastry on the bottom.

Yes mam but Chef Gordon I DON'T care what Chef Gordon thought.

Oh my God.

It's like the best bite of food I've ever had in my life.

I mean, it's so light!

Shari, stop hogging the figs, I'd like to try one.

Uh thank you.

I'll serve my guests.

These are just luscious!

It's something I came up with and talked to the chef about in there.

He wanted to load them down with a puff pastry.

Wooow!

I was bound up something fierce!

Ugh!

Oh good, hors d'oeuvres!

I'm empty!

Carter!

Use a ladle!

Oh sorry.

Mmm!

Those figs tasty!

When's dinner?

Oh for God's sake.

Wanna cool it on the bathroom breaks?

- Got it, Chef - Grab a dish for the beans Sorry Chef.

Hey, so did Madame like her puff-less figs?

Inte först.

In English girl, in English.

Oh sorry.

Not at first, but then Cpt.

Handsome over there loved them so she took credit for eighty-sixing the pastry.

Java fitter!

You got that right, brother.

I think.

OK, let's see if she likes this!

That turkey smells devine.

Well it should.

I woke up at six this morning to make it.

And then I slaved in that kitchen all day.

I mean that cook in there is just serving.

Oh God, I hope this works.

It will.

I just got to keep it together till the gift exchange.

Okay, deep breath.

Hey, can you introduce me to your dad?

Yes.

Can you just calm calm down for a second?

What?

Am I getting a little carried away?

I don't know where he is at the moment.

I'll introduce you.

Sorry.

Ok.

It's good.

Why are you nervous?

Who's nervous?

I'm nervous?

Did you know you can tell a turkey's gender by it's poop?

Males take circular craps and the girls make sort of a “j” shaped poop.

Ugh What?

Am I popping out again?

No dear.

You're fine.

I really didn't think I would need to explain, but could you please all respect that the Master Suite is off limits!

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Please take your seats.

Dinner will be served.

Presently.

Whoever heard of the help announcing when the dinner will be served?

Someone telling the Hydra when dinner will be served?

This'll be good!

Dad, this is my boyfriend, Ty.

It's fantastic to meet you, Mr.

Pope.

Good to meet you.

Ty?

Now look!

I don't know how you think you are, but I slaved over that bird, and I'll say when to serve it.

Yes, ma'am.

I just thought since I was not told about the figs that you “slaved” over, that it was still dealer's choice with dinner.

Just bring the sides.

I'll handle the turkey.

I would be happy to “give you the bird” ma'am.

Here comes the big presentation.

Of what?

Ladies and Gentlemen.

May I present Shari Pope's famous turkey.

Well I guess you're all wondering why I called you all here tonight?

Come on everybody.

Mangia, mangia!

Bon Appetit!

I would hate for this exquisite meal I made to get cold.

You know I read the average holiday meal has over forty-five hundred calories and over two hundred grams of fat.

But This looks terrific.

It's been a heck of a year in the pharmaceuticals game.

I mean we've recorded record profits four quarters in a row.

Yeah, I been reading about that class action suit, Leo.

That sounds like a real mess.

Sounds like your legal team ain't gonna be able to make that go away like in the '90's, That's why we're sh*t-canning those m*therf*cking, c*ck, c**t-singing, tiny-a*s, f*cking little, sh*t-faced, piss-a*s, lawyer f*ck!

I'm sorry.

I don't know where that came from.

I shouldn't have said that.

Can we just keep it between ourselves?

Yeah.

Suuure.

Absolutely Mr. Pope.

Whatever you say, I want to assure you that it doesn't go any further than my ears.

So how long have you two been dating?

Two months.

And where did you meet?

Restaurant.

Strip Club.

It was like a dance place where people take their pants off Does anybody else feel like it's hot in here?

Just once a year, you couldn't eat a real meal with your family?

This is a real meal, Mother.

And I'm eating it with my family.

You know what I mean.

Have some of my turkey.

It's exquisite.

You know I'm allergic.

It's all in your head!

How can you say that?

I missed going to Europe with the Chorphenians in high school because they thought I had leprosy.

It was just hives!

That I got because the kids at school tricked me into eating turkey.

That was unfounded.

April's cheerleader friends were completely innocent of that.

Course you would think so.

How could pretty girls do horrible things?

You just have it out for anyone who's beautiful.

Why is that?

Because they poisoned me!

That is not true.

You were just a nervous child, and you didn't want to go.

I'd been training my whole life to go.

You had a fear of success dear.

This is what she does.

She denies there's a problem because of her need for all of us to be perfect.

Oh don't you start!

One daughter who won't eat.

The other who won't drink!

Because I'm an alcoholic.

I do not like that word and no you're not!

Yes I am.

How do you know?

Because when I drink I get mean and hurt the people I love.

When I drink I become an as*h*le.

Well you're not drinking now, so what's your excuse!?

OK this is getting out of hand!

Oh so I'm the bad guy!?

I suffer and work til my bones ache, to give these children everything and look what I get!

One daughter who stops drinking and becomes meaner than a hornet.

And the other one who stops eating and is still as fat as a house!

I don't know why I said that.

My pretty face not making up for it anymore, mom?

No, Penny.

You do have a pretty face.

Hey I have an idea.

Why don't we play Secret Santa?

I second that idea.

But we haven't had the deserts yet!

We can have them when we play.

How's that sound?

I think that sounds nice.

I'm with my lady.

Let's do it, Shar.

Ok.

And our first contestant is Jackson!

Here you go Jacks.

And this is for you, Jacqueline.

Really?

Oh I didn't know, we just brought wine for everybody.

Oh that's ok baby.

See this is the way it works.

Everyone in the family gets the name of someone else in the family.

That's who you have to buy for and if you bring someone then you have to get a gift for them too.

Oh that's why you only No, no, no, no!

You don't want to give anything away Kyle.

Kyle.

Let Jackson tell it.

He's doing great Shar.

Oh I know.

I know.

But you tell it so good.

Go ahead, bro.

OK.

Well you don't want to give anything away.

The fun is when you get your gift everyone has to guess who bought it for them.

That's the game.

And whoever gets the most right wins becomes the game master next year.

And then they decide who gives to who.

And the game master doesn't get a gift?

No.

But when you see some of the gifts, you're usually dodging a b*llet!

That's right, I said it!

Oh that's terrible.

What's terrible?

Last year you gave me that fakakta exercise band that told me what a lazy b*stard I am.

Oh shush you lazy b*stard, you lost 20 pounds.

It's a book!

Le Chansons De Bilitis Oh I know this book!

That's amazing!

Carol.

Did you!?

Ohhh.

I don't know what It's a necklace.

Shar, that's amazing.

And the book, thank you.

It's a first edition in the original French.

I thought you'd like it.

I love it.

Is that the book of poems about l*sbian erotica?

What?

Ce que chante la corneille, chante le corneillon.

Oh for goodness sakes.

It's simple!

Just give it to me.

There you go.

Wha, what?

I watch a lot of Project Ru, Ru, Ru..

...t, t, t, to, Top g*n It's lovely, Mrs.

Pope.

Thank you.

You're welcome dear.

It's from my favorite designer.

Jacques Du Pierre We have early versions of the same necklace.

We don't know how to put them on either.

I can show you how, if you wa No thanks What's that thing you said in French, Leonard?

Who wrote down Shari as my Secret Santa?

I thought it was Kyle.

I don't know what the kids are into.

Alright, who's next?

This is cracking me up.

Oh, it's me!

I guess this is all there is.

It's tickets.

A concert to the London Royal Philharmonic.

It's lovely.

You're going to London.

Well now we know it's not Kyle.

Unless he's trying to use subterfuge by asking a question.

I bet it's Kyle.

Maybe.

Is it hot in here?

Marvin does most of his work in Europe.

Banking.

He's there now.

I'm joining him on Tuesday.

That's why he's not here.

Well that, and he's a Jew.

You know.

What's the show sis?

Oh sh*t.

Now I'm giving myself away Or am I?

It's a Debussy Concert.

Debussy?

What piece?

It's one of his middle works.

Lesser known.

Which one?

Les Trois Chansons de Bilitis Wait a second!

That's the same as the book Shari gave Jack.

Is that about lesbians also?

What the hell's going on with you people?

Did Shari buy for two of us!?

That's not right.

You could almost call it unnatural.

Pourquoi ne l'avez-vous pas encore baise.

What the heck does that mean?

It means “Why don't you f*ck him already?” Or is that a moot point?

OK you know what?

Time to lighten the mood here a bit um...

What's going on?

What's going on is the next person's getting their gift.

Jack did you give those tickets to your Aunt?

The next name is April.

But she's the game master.

She doesn't get a gift.

Well Kyle.

It is my hope that I'll be the one getting the gift tonight.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to spend the rest of my life with the woman I've waited my whole life to find.

Oh my Pecan Do you...

do you want to marry me?

For you to ask me here, tonight, after everything you have seen.

Hell yes, I will marry you!

That's awesome.

Life wasn't quite perfect enough for April, but now that she's found Prince Caspian here, everything's right with the world.

You know Penny, you don't have to sh*t all over your sister's Dad, don't.

It's ok.

Hey sis congrats.

Thanks, Kyle.

You were right, Kyle.

It wasn't April's turn.

I was looking for a good opportunity.

It's alright.

Anyway.

The name I picked anyway was Penny.

Christ sake even the stripper is empathizing with the cheerleader?

That's enough young lady.

Plane tickets?

Is she going to London to watch lesbians too?

Well these are tickets.

London, Paris, Berlin, Barcelona Bar━THE-lona It's for a tour of Europe and there's other tickets too A sh*t-ton of theater and opera.

I'd be gone for over a month.

I can't take off that much work.

Who the hell got me a trip through Europe!?

Well it's dad's company so he's the only one who could get you that kinda time off.

I didn't get you the trip.

I just made sure you had enough time to take it.

That call came in from someone else.

You Why?

This must be like ten grand in plane tickets alone.

Hold the phone.

I thought there was a three hundred dollar limit on this deal!

With the show tickets it's like twelve grand.

Hotels included.

sh*t I hope you get me next year, sis.

You spent fifteen grand?

And it's still not enough.

Not for what I did.

What did you do?

It's what I didn't do.

I didn't warn you.

I knew the meatballs were made with turkey.

I knew you'd have a reaction.

I knew it.

But I wanted to sit at the cool kids table and I let them steal your trip to Europe and no I can't replace what you lost.

But thats This is the best its It's the least I could do.

You're right.

It is the least you could do, you f*cking b*tch.

I have had just about enough of this!

Enough of what!?

Polly perfect just admitted she was with the b*tches who poisoned me.

Oh for goodness sake.

She didn't poison you.

She just did't tell you.

Oh my f*cking God!

Please don't help mom.

What.

You're my child.

And what am I!?

I might not be a supermodel mom, but I came out of your overused vag*na too!

Oh this is too much!

It IS hot in here.

You are an outrageous person.

Oh I wouldn't go around throwing insults, Jocasta, at least I'm not f*cking my own son.

- Hey.

- Shut the f*ck up, Oedipus!

Get out of my house!

She's not going anywhere, it's my house too!

Not tonight it isn't!

I paid for it!

Oh, well, if that's the standard, then I guess Carol needs to tell her new husband That you get her t*ts half the time!

What are you talking about?

Oh zip it.

I know he paid for your t*ts, just like he paid for mine!

He likes t*ts on the women he f*ck!

I...

I...

I...

I...

I...

I... now you sound like my idiot son!

Hey!

You want everything I have, you always did, you jealous witch!

Are you out of your f*cking mind!?

Why would I ever want anything that's yours?!

So you could be me!

That's why you f*cked my husband and that's why you f*cked my...

SON!!

Son is the word you're looking for you diseased wh*re!

I may have slept with your f*cking sister, but you slept with my son, you guttersnipe!

Hey!

Now you shut your mouth your mouth about my sisters, you vile son of a b*tch!

Look at the class of people you created with that diseased c*ck of yours!

An incestuous gigalo!

A poisoning viper!

A stuttering ret*rd!!

And a pig with a...

Oh my God!

He's murdering Carter!

Someone help!

Call the police!

Nobody's calling anyone!

Oh God, oh Gaaaa!

Get the phones!!

Oh God NO!

No!

Why would you do that, you b*tch!

Oh my God, Carter!

Ahhh!

God damn it!

Hey!

You don't have to be so rough with him, alright!

Just...

Get off me, man!

Come on Penny, this is nuts!

Back off, Prom Queen.

God damn!

This guy must work out for a living!

Get off me!

Get the f*ck off me!

You k*lled him, you maniac!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!

f*ck you man!

You're going to f*cking prison!

No one's going to prison, because no one's taking my father anywhere!

You dig?!

Get them off me, Penny!

I can't f*cking breathe!

Get off of him!

Penny, get that knife away from Jacqueline's throat!

Not till you let Dad off the floor!

Penny, listen to me, we're trying to keep Dad safe right now.

Oh yeah, f*ck you!

You mutherfucker!

Step-mutherfucker, Dad!

Hold it together!

Why is it so f*cking hot in here!

Penny, just let Jacqueline go.

Why, you got some tainted meat you want to feed her?

I'm not f*cking around here, Penny, let her go!

Not till you let Dad go!

Let her go, you f*cking b*tch!

You think he loves you?

No one loves you, you loser, your parents named you Penny because its what they thought you were worth!

You don't know sh*t!

What I DO know is that the only way a miserable sh*t-stain like you can get a job is because Daddy gave it to you!

You think that makes him proud?

You think that shows he loves you?

He f*cking hates you for that!

He's f*cking ashamed you're his daughter.

You know how I know?

Cause he told me.

HIMSELF!

Let him GO!!

Fine!

f*ck IT!

I'll knock you fat a*s out myself!!

Aw, what are you doin' man!

Come on, a little help here!

Now...

now what are you doin' man?!

Raaaaahh!!!

Aahmygosh!!

put the f*cking knife down!

Ow!

You stupid b*tch!

Oh my God!

Ahhh!

Get this crazy mutherfucker off me.

What did you do to my dad?!

Hey!

Oh my God!

I...

I didn't know what else I could do.

Is he dead?

He's alive.

Oh thank God!

He's okay too.

Well he's still f*cking dead!

Oh my God, Uncle Carter.

What's wrong with them?

It's like they've lost their minds!

That's what it was, they're out of their damn minds!

It's like they were possessed.

Yeah, that's what it is.

They're possessed!

f*ck!

Stop it!

Well...

I know what we have to do first.

Are you sure that's gonna hold?

sh*t, I held a bumper on a van with duct tape for six months.

Watch out.

Oh God!

I can't look at that.

That's the whole reason we're moving the poor man.

And why do you have a lock on the outside of the door?

It was the kids room.

Yeah?

Well, sometimes children shouldn't be heard...

or seen.

Haven't you been listening?

There were a lot of things that went down in this house that you wouldn't want kids to see.

Witness.

Kids to witness is more like it.

Oh sh*t!

It's f*cking dead.

It's f*cked.

We gotta call the police.

Any luck?

No, I put a couple of em in the cauliflower rice, but they're all dead.

Sugar in the punch k*lled 'em.

Yeah, the sugar.

You say something?

Who doesn't have a f*cking house phone?

Mom?

What are you doing?

Well, if the police come, I have to tidy up.

It can't look like a pig sty.

It's not gonna clean itself.

And lord knows the help have been no help at all.

Is she f*cking kidding?

Our contract didn't say nothing about getting into wrestling matches with maniacs.

Or bringing dead bodies into spare bedrooms.

Okay, I'll go next door to see if...

They're not here.

They're in Gstaad, skiing.

They left a ski town to go skiing?

Course they did.

Well dear most everyone leaves for the holidays.

That's why I like to come up here.

Alright, what about the Pelligrinos?

Oh that horrible woman-and her husband?

I don't want them knowing my business.

Can't someone just go to the police?

Mom look, your neighbors are going to find out what happened!

I'm sorry, I agree with your mom.

Excuse me?

Uh, oh.

Trouble in paradise.

There's already too many witness, We don't want to let any outsider into this.

Right now, we can control this story.

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying, that depending on how you deal with all this...

Your family could be in some very big trouble with your Dad's Board of Directors.

If you have any interest controlling the family business.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

the heart of a lawyer.

You're not Dad's attorney.

No, but he's going to need one and one with a lot of perspective here.

Is it hot in here?

O-kay.

We'll drive into town.

Who was the last to get here?

Dad...

Leonard...

sh*t he's...

Your father!...

Blocking everyone in!

Maybe someone could cut around him?

Well, I'm the next one in so...

Oh no sir, you're not going anywhere.

You'd just drive off and tell the police we k*lled Carter and tied you father up, you little b*tch.

Okay Carol, nobody said that Penny should go.

I'm sorry sis, but Alright, who wants to try cutting around Dad's car?

I'll go, My van's in the...

uh...

where my car keys?

I don't have my keys, either.

My keys aren't in my purse.

Well, I always keep mine on the...

Alright, who took my keys!?

Penny?

What about your keys?

Oh, um, in my pockets...

pocket.

They're probably in there.

I don't think I'm gonna find them in there, am I?

Something tells me you know where all of our keys are.

Oh my God, I remember this.

She's done this sh*t before!

When we were kids.

It was... a holiday...?

Your grandfather's funeral.

That's it!

She was like twelve and she threw...

All of our winter coats down the incinerator!

My "HER MEEZ" took a twenty floor drop.

"Hermes." All because she didn't want anyone to leave!

All because Grandpa was the only person in this family that loved me!

And everyone was telling stories about him, and I didn't want it to end.

Wahh!

Wahh!

Wahh!

I took your f*cking keys.

Why?

f*ck Why!

Where?

Where are they?!

In the Care Bear.

In the back... bedroom.

With those lunatics?

Oh, f*ck them keys, I ain't goin' in there!

Well, does anybody know hot to do...

You know, that thing to get a car going if you don't have the keys Hot-wire it?

Yeah, does anybody know hot to hot-wire a car?

Are you f*cking kidding me?!

I don't know sh*t about hot-wiring a car!

You said you were a rapper.

What's...

What does that have to do with hot-wiring a car?

Well, you said you were from Detroit.

Man, that's some black on black crime there!

Detroit?

No he's from Greenwich, Connecticut.

And he was a Fulbright scholar with a 3.8 grade point average.

Would you stop?

You're k*lling' my street cred.

How do you know so much about the caterer?

He's... my... roommate.

I thought the Swedish girl was your roommate.

I am, but I'm not the one he's f*cking.

Oh, come on, what's wrong with that?

Every growing boy needs some black d*ck.

Oh!

Is it hot in here?

Kyle, please tell me that what this disgusting person said is not true.

Mom...

Ma-ma-ma, don't ma-ma-ma me!

But Mom...

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa what?

Why should I be surprised by anything my children do!

All of my children are a disappointment to me, you always have been!

Why not one more thing for me to be embarrassed about!

Just listen to...

No!

I just want to know the truth!

Are you a... h*m* with this... person?!

Yes!

Yes I am f*cking this beautiful black man!

Because I am g*y!

And I love black c*ck!

I just love it!

Can't get enough of it!...

You r*cist, h*m* wh*re!

Kyle!

DO NOT...

No, no no...

You finish one more sentence for me and I Swear to God I will punch you so hard in your uterus, you won't be able to foist Any more of its evil into this God forsaken world!

Oh, your mother can't...

And you can just zip it Carol!

I know my Mom's past menopause and And she can't have kids!

I was just making a point!

And God!

Why is it so f*cking hot in here!!

Okay, it's okay.

Jeee-zus I am not a h*m*.

I'm the most liberal person I know Am I the only one who thinks, isn't it enough with the f*gs already?

Um, hum.

Is anybody else finding it unbearably hot in here?

This is all well and good and all, but we have a dead man and two maniacs in the back bedroom With our car keys.

What we gonna do?

I say we get the keys out of the back bedroom and we get the hell out of here.

Aghhhhh!

Get off my a*s, you son of a b*tch!

Uhhhhh!

Daddy?

Is that my Rainy Day girl I hear?

Rainy Girl, why don't you let your daddy out of this room?

I'm really burning up here.

I just want to get you some help, Daddy.

I just need the keys to your car.

You want to go for a drive, sweetheart?

Yeah, Dad.

Wait you're not gonna leave your daddy behind, now are you?

No Daddy.

I just want to get you some help.

That's good, 'cause I really hurt myself getting untied.

I mean I'm bleeding... a lot.

It was your mother's idea wasn't it?

I'm gonna tear her open from cooter to her tooter, Rainy Girl.

This is out of control.

This is...

Go.

We're going.

Where ya going, lover man?

You planning on taking my sister somewhere?

There's something wrong with you and Dad.

There's nothing wrong with me, little Sis, I'm just burning up It feels like my insides are melting that's all...

Hell, its nothing your sweet a*s can't make better.

Shut your filthy mouth, God damnit!

Now listen Rainy, just open the door and let us out so we can go outside.

Yeah, we just really need to get into the cold night air.

Mr. Pope, Ty Webb here.

I'm gonna make sure that I can get you the help that... you need That includes a vigorous defense which I know I can...

You still there, lover man?

Now you hear this and you hear this good, you get away from my sister or I I promise you that I'm gonna rip your f*cking head off and SKULL f*ck it!

Ok, there's something wrong with you people.

Well?

Daddy?

Please let me help you.

Just slide the key to your car under the door, Ok?

Okay.

Ok Okay, Rainy Girl.

Okay.

I'll give it to you.

Oh my God!

I told you I hurt myself!

Now let me outta here you f*cking b*tch!

Come on, it's over.

Come on, come on, come on...

Come on.

Go!

Go!

Pop!

That'll work.

Oh f*ck!

They're outside.

And look...

Aww.

What happend for Funshyne?

So you think they used...

Jesus!

Break out the window.

You see any keys out there?

Not a one.

We need to go the the neighbors!

Right now!

Told you I don't want that woman knowing my business!

You don't have a choice.

Who's coming with me?

I just want to get the hell outta here.

My Dad and Jackson just broke out of the bedroom and are outside.

Yeah, I'm gonna wait here awhile.

Look guys, I can probably handle my Dad if I have to...

Well sure, Daddy wouldn't want to hurt his little Rainy Girl.

I don't know if I can handle him and Jackson.

f*ck it!

I'll go.

The only thing he's gonna hit me with is his c*ck.

We'll I'm not going to let the two of you go alone.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I'll go straight there, make the call and come back as soon as the cops arrive, okay?

Okay.

Hey sis...

Yeah?

Thanks for doing this.

Yea.

Keep an eye on Mom, ok.

She's starting to lose her sh*t.

Love you.

Be safe.

Is that...

They're not home.

- So we'll break in then.

- Okay.

Get behind that tree Go!

Go!

I don't see 'em.

Chef!

Stay away from the window before one of those crazy mutherfuckers see you They gonna know...

Alright...

I gotta get the f*ck outta here...

I'm not waiting' for them to come back.

I mean, April's never finished a damn thing in her life and What, I'm gonna count on Johnny Haircut and wh*re?

Uhhhh, no!

So who wants to make a thousand bucks to find one of those car keys and drive me the Hell out of here?

Ma'am, all due respect, you outta your f*ck' mind if you think any of us...

Ten thousand I'll do that!

Time to go!

What?!

Babe, that's a lot of money!

Plus there's only two of those lunatics out there and the other one's already went out, so they'll be luring em away.

They'll be the one's getting attacked!

You mean my sister!?

Yeah!

Sorry.

She'll be oaky.

Babe, ten grand is enough to produce my record.

Yeah, but who gonna rap on it when you dead, fool!?

That's cold, baby...

That's cold.

Only one of you's gonna get that money, honey.

Gotta go!

Babe, babe, babe...

Just Wait...

You're a vulgar pig.

Oh, this is going to be good.

Excuuuuuuse me?

Solve any problem by throwing your Jew husband's money around.

Hey!

He's one of the good ones!

Not like one of those New York Jews What does it matter to you?

Any Jew'll do!

You're like a magic fountain.

You just spread your legs and the chosen money falls out!

Hey kettle!

The pot called.

You're black!

I have never f*cked a black!

No, you just f*cked your son!

Step-son!

And at least I never slept with any of my sister's kids!

Oh, why is that?

Oh yeah, that's right!

Because your womb is a rocky place where no seed can find purchase.

You f*cking b*tch!

Jealous wh*re!

Let's get ready to rummmmmble!

f*ck, it's f*cking hot out here!

Are you kidding?

It's freezing!

Have you noticed everyone that freaks out gets really overheated right before they lose it?

And everyone who's been complaining about the heat drank your mother's punch.

Ty, honey...

How much of that punch did you have to drink?

I don't know, a few cups.

Why?

It might be tainted.

My Dad and Jackson were drinking it like water right before they lost it.

Stop!

What?!...

That's great!

What?

Why?

It's a better defense!

If your dad was poisoned, that means his actions weren't his responsibility.

No, Ty, if that's true you could be infected with whatever they have.

Oh f*ck Let's hope so If we can connect all these dots the last eight months weren't for nothing!

What are you saying?

I mean, I put in a lot of time here.

Earlier this evening it was looking like a pretty crappy investment.

You're Dad's not your biggest fan.

This'd be a great way to get in good with him though.

Sounds like you're more interested in April's father than you are in her.

Well, no duh!

Why do you think I put a ring on it, you dum dum?

Excuse me?

Oh come on!

You think I was just searching for some alcoholic with more mommy & daddy issues than Lizzie Borden?

No.

Come on, you're rich.

Well, your family's rich.

Now more than ever, your dad needs a brilliant up and coming lawyer for a son-in-law.

I'm his white knight, Bubbie.

Come on, let's get the cops out here and get your father on the road to exoneration.

f*ck!

It's f*cking hot out here.

Come on sugar.

Come on I haven't seen nothing out here.

Shh.

Quiet.

Before one of those crazy m*therf*ckers hear you.

Ow!

b*tch!

Do I look like Kyle?

That's right.

Cause I'm not on my knees sucking your d*ck.

He's your b*tch, not me!

Where the f*cking keys?

Oh I wish you were this tenacious when the rent has to be paid!

Wish you were this tenacious when the rent has to be paid.

b*tch She ‘bout to get some sh*t!

Yes!

Oh yeah, rent's about to get paid b*tch!

Come here.

Oh sh*t!

Get.

Off.

My.

Son.

You.

Sonofa.

b*tch.

That's what you get when you don't pay the rent on time b*tch.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Stop!

Ahh oh no!

Ah damn!

You're so obsessed with me you just can't wait to get my sloppy seconds!

If you could've kept any of them satisfied I wouldn't have to pinch hit for ya, sis!

Aunt Carol, Mom!

Stop this!

Ahhhhh!

Um guys.

Someone want to untie me please?

Ahh!

Oh!

Two crazy white b*tches AND a knife?

f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you.

Ya on your own.

No, no, no I'm gonna slice your t*ts off!

Seriously this is how I die?

Let me go!

Ok, Ok Oh, for God's sakes!

Who the hell could be knocking.

Oh my God do you have any idea what time it is!?

Do you have ANY idea what time it is!?

I'm so sorry this is an emergency!

Emergency?

What kind of an emergency?

Aren't you one of the Popes?

Yeah, hi I'm April.

We need your help.

You sure do.

Your mother is a terrible person.

Merry Christmas.

No, no, no.

We just have to use your phone to call the Police.

Police?

What did she do now?

Denise!

Who the hell is it!?

It's the Pope kid.

Which one!?

Oh.

Hey.

How ya doin?

They need to use the phone to call the Police.

What's the problem?

She's a Pope and they're a bunch of liars!

For God's sakes Denise, get the kid a phone already!

You get her a phone!

My phone's all the way upstairs!

Oh you're an idiot.

I'll get the cordless.

So how's it going?

Is everybody ok?

No, No.

My Dad and my Brother are sick.

So what do you need the Police for?

Because he k*lled someone.

What!?

Who k*lled someone?

Would you shut the f*ck up, you stupid wh*re!

Hey!

What the hell is this!?

Denise.

Don't come back out here.

What the hell's the matter with you pal!?

With me?

There's nothing wrong with me.

It's just f*cking hot out.

It's a million f*cking degrees out here!

He's on drugs!

Alright, you people need to get the hell out of here right now.

Please we just have to use your phone.

They could be out here right now.

Who could be out here?

What the hell are you doing!?

I told you to stay inside!

There's a very important man's business at stake right now so I'm coming into your house to use your phone.

You're not coming in here.

You're not coming in here!

I need to use your phone You know I'm really sorry it's just Get your f*cking hands off of me!

Hey, hey, hey I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Don't touch my sister.

Al-bert!

Hey man.

Made you a promise, didn't I?

Noooooo!

Salty.

Come on, come on.

Son f*ck!

Uhhh!

You b*tch!

Ahhh!

Ma, ma, ma, my mom!

Die you b*tch!

Ohhhh!

Ughhhhhh That f*cking hurts Goddammit.

Cuuunt Is it hot in here or is it me?

Mom, mom?

Ahhh, hey.

I know you've been through a lot tonight but if you wouldn't mind.

I'd rather not spend the rest of the Winter tied to THIS f*cking CHAIR!

Willy, willy!

God damn you dumb mother f*ck I'm trying to help your simple Is that my van?

I told you nobody drives my van but me.

You son of a b*tch.

What are you doing?

Listening to the last song Willy recorded before he died.

Died?

When did Willy The help never says when dinner is served.

That was my friend.

You are not my friend.

Come on!

Ok come on!

Oh my God!

Are you ok?

I don't know.

I think something snapped or tore.

Ahh.

This f*cking Shari necklace.

Oh baby.

Don't run away.

I just wanna f*ck you to death!

Can you walk?

Oh.

I am not gonna be that girl who tripped and got k*lled by her boyfriend turned psycho.

Swear I saw car keys.

Where are the keys!?

Daddy.

Dad.

I'm so hot inside!

I can't breathe.

It's just like my stomach is boiling into my chest and Oh that's better!

Please.

Let me go.

Hey sis.

I brought you a present!

But I'm sorry.

He's not gonna be a virgin on your wedding night.

Please let go.

Stop.

Let go!

See I made a promise to your man here.

And a promise-is a promise.

That's what you get!

What did I tell you?

No!

Oh my God!

Help us!

Think this is weird?

It's not g*y if he's dead.

Shut your mouth.

Haha!

Please open up!

Help us!

Please!

Open!

Oh my God!

Please!

You hurt me real bad Penny.

Guess I'm gonna have to skull-f*ck you too.

Well you're welcome.

What did you do?

Just saved your a*s.

What did you do?

Que You k*lled the phones.

You hid the keys.

You did everything in your power to hold us hostage.

Why?

Is Rainy Day pissed someone took the spotlight on her Secret Santa year?

What did you put in Mom's punch?

Kyle, go get me that bag she won't let anyone near.

f*ck off.

This.

This.

What were these?

Go f*ck yourself.

Oh f*ck.

What are you, a dude?

I was until I had the popsicle and bonbons removed two years ago.

What was in these bottles, Penny!?

Kyle, go get me her punch.

If you didn't do anything, why is your cup full?

If you didn't do anything, you won't have a problem drinking it, would you?

Drink it.

Drink it.

This all happened because of you.

Whatever you put in here sentenced them all to death.

Mom is dead.

Ty is dead.

They're all f*cking dead.

Again.

You're welcome.

Dad is dead.

He wasn't supposed to be here.

He was supposed to stay in L.A.

I didn't intend for it to go down like this.

I just thought everybody would be honest for once.

And they'd be forced to look at themselves.

What is it?

WHAT THE f*ck IS IT!?

New version of sodium pentothol.

It's a truth serum.

It's one of dad's defense contracts.

Supposed to be crazy powerful but it's just a truth serum.

The capsuls-I opened them up and put them in the punch And voila Everyone tells the truth.

Alright!?

Everyone tell's the truth.

But I think it also makes people lose impulse control and They just start doing what they think they should do, no matter how f*cked up.

Yeah and then they boil from the inside out and go to pieces.

Literally.

They do?

Yes.

Pretty sure that's what happened to dad.

Why would you do it?

I mean what the f*ck is wrong with you Penny?

I get that you have no f*cking self control, but why?

Why hurt your whole family?

My family!?

What family!?

I didn't choose you.

You sure as sh*t didn't choose me.

If I weren't related to you, none of you would piss on me if I were on f*cking fire.

But because we all exploded out of the same volcanic hole, we're supposed to have this bond for life?

It's bullshit!

When this family loses control of it's ID, we choose to f*cking k*ll each other.

It's because we f*cking hate each other.

That's not true.

I love you.

And I love April.

And I loved Mom and I love Dad Didn't you drink that sh*t?

Yes, you stupid b*tch.

So you're telling the truth?

Must be!

You still love all of us?

I mean, Jacksons kind of an as*h*le... but I still love him.

Love you too bro.

It's funny.

Only makes me want to k*ll you more.

Nice girl!

Hahahaha!

Ahhhh!

You get as good as you give.

That makes me hard!

She used to have a d*ck you idiot!

That just makes me harder!

Oh come on!

Get the f*ck off of ME!

, Wow you guys really acted like a family.

Maybe there's hope for the world yet.

Jacqueline!

Don't you touch my sweet baby boy you freak!

Die!

Why Cant you at least do something with your hair?

You're like some mythical beast!

You started all of this.

It all comes from you!

Well tonight I'm gonna slay the God damn Hydra!

Stop!

Stop!

Mommy?

Maaaa!

Oh.

Ah.

Ahhhhhhhhh!

You didn't have to k*ll her!

She was alive!!

Penny?

Ahhhh!

Penny stop.

Stop this please.

Stop it doesn't have to be like this.

You can't save me!

Stop it.

Please let me Save yourself b*tch.

Penny look at me.

I love you.

Penny I do.

I do.

Tear your lying tongue out.

Ahhhh!

Noooo!

Merry.

f*cking.

Christmas.

Yeah get some.

Get some what?

My, that's terrible.

Did you just hit that woman?

Well yeah that's how you score points.

Sarah, why do you let him play this?

Mom, the phone is his Christmas present.

Let him enjoy it.

I don't know.

The way mothers raise kids these days.

I never let you have violent things like this.

The movies, the video games.

It's all No wonder the world's going to H. E. double hockey sticks.

Didn't you see Clockwork Orange when you were like eleven?

Oh that's just not true.

That was a good one.

We saw that when we first got cable, didn't we David?

That was awesome dad.

Why do we have to come here every year?

It's so boring.

Because your grandmother loves you And I don't?

That's not what I was saying Bev.

Dillon, Grandma Margret loves seeing you.

It makes her holiday.

Yeah but she smells like cat pee.

That's not funny.

That's my mother.

I know She does smell like it.

She really does Sarah.

Hey what do you say about us when we're not here?

Dad.

Look out!

What the hell is she doing in the middle of the God damn street!?

David it's Christmas!

Look.

Come on!

Something's wrong with her.

Hey?

You ok?

Miss?

You alright?

She told the truth.

Wait.

It was a lie, right?

No.

It wasn't a lie, right?

She said it.

But she did it because it was the truth.

Is she ok.

Should I call the Police?

Miss.

I think you need some help.

I got them to come and now they're dead.

All of them.

They just told the truth and they k*ll each other.

Who's dead!?

My.

Whole.

Family.

You tried to run me over.

No.

You were in the middle of the street, I just You tried to k*ll me there You Robert Redfordy piece of sh*t.

Excuse me?

David don't get too close