07x13 - Butt Out

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

M'kay, kids. Can I have it quiet, please?

M'kay.

M'kay. Quiet now. The assembly is about to start.

M'kay.

Uh, quiet, m-m'kay.

Okay.

Uh, now, kids, we have a really fun motivational group today who are gonna talk to you about the dangers of smoking, m'kay.

So please give a very big South Park Cows welcome to...

Butt Out!

Whoo-hoo! All right!

Get those hands up!

Get those hands up! Come on!

Clap!

Butt out, yeah, yeah.

Give that cigarette butt a throw.

Butt out, uh-huh.

Smoking's got to go.

Oh, no.

Yeah! All right! Whoo!

Hey, students! How are we all feeling today?

Hey, did you guys know that each year over 600,000 people a year die from smoking... a year?

600,000?

Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke?

Blow smoke? Us? No way!

Because we don't need to smoke...

And neither do you, right, kids?

Butt out!

Break it down!

Butt out, yeah, yeah.

It's cool to say no.

Butt out, uh-huh.

Smoking's got to go.

Smokin', no.

No smokin'

Freestyle!

Vernon!

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick tick.

Don't smoke, don't ever smoke.

Kyle! Kyle!

B to the U to the T to the T to the...

Dude, this is unbearable.

I'm going to k*ll myself.

...R to the E to the T to the T to the E.

Butt out, cigarette!

Randy! Randy!

Smoke, you know, has got to go.

You go... you got to know to say the no...

Pam!

Do-o-o-n't smo-o-o-ke!

Whoo-hoo! All right!

You guys, Kenny's eating his own hand.

Hey, what's the big deal?

I like smoking, and it makes me cool.

Oh, really?

Do you think lung cancer is cool, too?

What about emphysema? Is that cool?

And what about abortion and AIDS?

Pfft. That's nones the cool. Word.

Yeah, so butt out.

Butt out, yeah, yeah.

Give that cigarette butt a throw...

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Smoking's got to go.

Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure.

Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead!

So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you.

Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be...

Just like us!

Here. Give me another one.

Oh, dude, this is really hard.

Oh, sh*t. Here comes Mr. Mackey!

Throw 'em away!

Dude, here he co...

Got to stop coughing.

Boys, what are you doing back here?

I asked you a question.

What are you doing back here, m'kay?

Nubbi'.

What?

Nubbi'... Nu... Nubb...

Aah! Sick!

Gross, dude!

Well, hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys had been smoking!

No. No, Mr. Mackey.

We don't have any cigarettes.

Well, you'd better not.

Because let me tell you something about smoking.

Uh, smoking's bad, m'kay.

And, uh, if you start smoking at an early age, m'kay, I-it's gonna be bad.

M'kay?

Because, uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems, like cancer.

M'kay, and let me tell you something about cancer, m'kay.

Uh, cancer's bad. M'kay?

And, uh... What... What the...

Holy sh*t, m'kay!

Jesus Christ!

Whoops.

Well, you boys have certainly done it this time!

We're sorry.

Not as sorry as you're going to be when your parents get here... Ah. Here they come now.

Oh, God.

Come on in.

Stanley, what did you do this time?

You'd better brace yourselves, parents.

The boys were caught... smoking.

Smoking?!

No. It can't be.

My son is not a filthy smoker.

Mom... Dad, it was just...

I don't have a son!

Eric! You've done a lot of horrible things in your life.

But smoking?

You're grounded for three weeks.

Three weeks? Are you f*cking kidding me?

Haven't you boys heard anything about how harmful smoking is to you and those around you?

Of course they haven't, because the tobacco companies have gotten to them first.

This is really their fault.

Yeah! This is really their fault.

No matter how much money the antismoking groups spend, the tobacco companies are there to fill our children's heads with lies and propaganda that make them want to smoke.

Yeah, huh?

It's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind.

No. Must fight it.

Tobacco companies making me want to smoke.

Oh, my goodness. I had no idea.

Are you okay, sweetie?

Well, those g*dd*mn tobacco companies aren't gonna have control over my kid!

I say we bring them down!

We need the help of the greatest antismoking celebrity that ever lived... Rob Reiner.

Who's Rob Reiner?

I don't understand it.

I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes.

I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art.

I forced smokers out of bars and parks.

But still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doing it.

Apparently, people still don't understand how bad smoking is for them.

Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health?

Don't they know the hazard of secondhand smoke?

According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them.

Yeah. That must be it.

The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings...

They're the ones making children want to smoke.

They're the ones hurting our nation's health.

I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards!

This is w*r!

You guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone it wasn't the tobacco companies that made us want to smoke.

What? Why? It's perfect.

If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us.

Yeah. What's the problem?

It's just that this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hand.

It's been happening a lot lately.

How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?

You don't want to be grounded for three weeks, do you?

Yeah. Don't worry, dude.

Things aren't gonna get out of hand.

Here he comes!

Damn it.

Butter!

Butter!

What'd he say?

Butter!

Hello, South Park!

It is so nice to see an entire town come together to fight for good health.

And I'm gonna help you!

These poor, innocent children have been seduced into smoking tobacco.

So I say we fight fire with fire!

We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco company down!

Oh, no.

All right, kids.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you kids want a tour for a school paper.

Once you're inside, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna take photos, and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over to seduce you into smoking.

Got it? Got it!

But... isn't that kind of lying?

We're just leveling out the playing field.

The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking.

If we're gonna take them down, we've got to lie right back.

Oh my God!

Excuse me!

Yes?

Would you mind putting that death stick out?

But, uh, this is a bar.

Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?

Not in Colorado.

Oh, my God!

What kind of backward hick state is this?

Look, man, I work 14 hours a day at the sawmill.

I just got off work, and I need to relax.

Well, when I relax, I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii.

I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii.

Y-Your vacation house in Mexico, then... whatever it is!

Look, you are putting my life and these boys' lives in danger by smoking that in here.

And I am not gonna tolerate it!

I will end smoking in bars in Colorado.

There will be no more smoking!

Isn't he awesome, you guys? What?

Dude, he just goes around imposing his will on people.

He's my idol.

All right, boys.

Just do what I tell you, and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for $2 billion.

As soon as we get into the main facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids, and we can all run out.

Think you can handle it? Handle it?

For $2 billion, I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.

All right. Great.

Okay. Now watch yourselves, kids.

These tobacco-company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking.

They are liars, and they are frauds.

Can I help you?

Yes. My name is Rita Poon.

I called about my boys wanting a tour.

Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon.

My name's Kevin Harris, and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco.

Well, hello, Mr. Harris.

Well, come on in.

How about a little history first?

Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant.

They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes.

Not if I were around, they wouldn't have.

Excuse me?

Oh, nothing! Please continue.

The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612.

Within seven years, it was one of the country's largest exports.

So tobacco helped to build America.

That's right.

Over the next few centuries, the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields.

Which means if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today.

And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished.

Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965, when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages.

So now everyone knows the dangers of smoking, and some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about.

That sounds perfectly reasonable.

And here's our factory at work.

With a hide-e-lie-dee-lie-dee and a hide-e-lie-dee-lay.

We work and we make cigarettes all hide-e-lie-dee day.

So folks can get a break-ee.

From their stressful lie-dee lives.

And relax-ee with the cigarettes.

We make all day and night I like to have a cigarette every now and then.

It makes me feel calmer when the day is at an end.

And if it gives me cancer when I'm 80, I don't care.

Who the hell wants to be 90 anyway?

So with a hide-e-lie-dee-lie-dee.

And a hide-e-lie-dee-lay.

We work and we make cigarettes all hide-e-lie-dee day.

So folks can get a break-ee.

From their stressful lie-dee lives.

And relax-ee with the cigarettes.

We make all day and night.

Well, I guess that's the end of our tour.

Oh. Here, boys. Let me get your picture.

Got it!

You bastards are going down now!

What? I'm not Rita Poon.

I'm Rob Reiner! And you've just been Reinered!

Come on, boys! Let's make our escape!

Don't you try and stop us!

Oh, my God!

Oh, boy. That was great, kids.

Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice.

Yeah. You see that? They got into your head.

Now you kids can meet some good, decent people...

The folks who work to get smoking banned.

This is how we get rid of smokers.

We go state to state and do things like use bogus studies and make expensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop.

It's like...

It's like smoking brings a lot of people just a little of joy, and you get to take that away from them.

You are so awesome.

Here you go, Bob.

This is Mr. Valkri. He does all our Photoshop work.

Now all we have to do is photoshop cigarettes into your hands... and bingo!

When this hits the papers, the tobacco company is screwed!

But, dude, you're making stuff up.

You kids need to understand something, okay?

Sometimes lying is okay, like when you know what's good for people more than they do.

Oh, my God. That is exactly what I've always said.

I love this guy.

Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed in bars here didn't pass.

What?!

God damn it!

What the hell is wrong with people in this state?

Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof secondhand smoke can k*ll you.

They want proof?

All right. We'll give them proof!

Boys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us.

We'll sh**t it tomorrow.

A commercial?

You boys decide which one of you would be best for the part.

All right, people!

We got to get moving on the bill to ban smoking in parks here!

Let's go!

God. He's just the best!

Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin?

Or... Or a cold drink perhaps?

You guys, I think we should bail out of this right now.

I just know where this is heading.

It's gonna end up with the whole town taking this too far and us having to talk about what we learned to change everyone's minds.

I say we just stop it right now and go play cards or something.

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

So, gentlemen, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh?

Who will it be?

Gentlemen, the game is on.

Go ahead. We don't want to be in their stupid commercial.

Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle.

That's your Serbian-Jew double bluff...

Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so maybe I won't either.

Didn't work, did it, Kyle?

No, we really want nothing more to do with these people.

Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither do I.

I know what you're gonna say next.

"How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?"

And I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial.

That's Serbian-Jew double bluff, and it ain't gonna work on me.

Only one of us can be in the commercial, gentlemen.

The game... is on.

Sorry, Kyle, but I'm afraid only one of us will be showing up to do the commercial tomorrow!

Thought you had me with your Serbian-Jew double bluff.

Well, let's see you try to open this door now.

What are you doing?

Hello, Kyle.

Oh... Oh, man. Wait. This isn't my house.

Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial tomorrow.

But I'm warning you...

Those antismoking people are liars and they're bullies who will stop at nothing to get what they want, and that means they're dangerous.

Nice try, Kyle!

Let's see you try to get through this door now.

Okay, Eric. This is gonna be real simple.

All you got to do is just read the words on the Teleprompter here.

Okay.

Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this.

All right. Roll camera. Roll the Teleprompter.

And whenever you're ready, Eric.

Okay. Okay.

You know, some people say there's no proof that secondhand smoke kills.

The tobacco companies say there's no proof that secondhand smoke kills.

I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.

I guess... I'm the proof.

The next time you want to believe that secondhand smoke doesn't k*ll, think about me.

Because by the time you see this commercial, I'll be dead.

Dead?

And cut! Great! We got it.

Wrap out, people. That was fantastic.

Uh, what... what does that mean, "I'll be dead"?

Hey, uh, what... What was that "dead" part?

That was very good, Eric.

Here. Eat this cupcake.

Uh, no, thanks. I'm not hungry.

But you are.

Just eat this one cupcake.

It has sprinkles.

I'm not eating the cupcake.

Eric, do you know what a hero is?

A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others.

You can be a hero, Eric.

All you have to do is eat the cupcake.

Jesus Christ!

Aah! Hey!

What are you doing, Cartman?

They're going to k*ll me!

Who's going to k*ll you?

The antismoking people!

They had me say I d*ed from secondhand smoke, and now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real!

They'll stop at nothing!

Well, get away from us, then.

Yeah, dude. Don't get us k*lled, too.

You guys have to help me! No, dude! Get away!

Please, you guys! I don't know what to do!

Stop it, Cartman. Go die on your own.

If I go, you guys go!

Dad!

What?

The antismoking people are trying to k*ll Cartman, and he won't stay away from us.

Don't be ridiculous, boys.

The antismoking people are kind, caring, and intelligent.

Your heads have just been corrupted by the lies of the big tobacco companies.

Hey! Maybe that's it, you guys.

Maybe the tobacco company can help us.

Help you, fat-ass. We weren't in the commercial, remember?

Yeah. Go to the tobacco company yourself.

That's fine! I thought you guys were my friends!

But I guess I was wrong.

Yeah, dude. You were totally wrong.

Mrph rm.

You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off now!

Now, come on. We're going to the tobacco company!

Oh, all right. No!

What we really should do is go to our parents right now and take responsibility for smoking ourselves, even if it means getting grounded.

Why?

Because if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen.

They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople holding torches or something, and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned and change everyone's minds.

This is all following a formula!

So it's either deal with that or be grounded for three weeks.

God damn it.

Give us the child!

We will not!

There! You see that?

The tobacco company won't give us the kid!

And do you know why?

Because they know that if they give us that kid, then we'll k*ll him...

And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business!

W-Wait a minute. What?

Yeah, when we k*ll the kid, people are gonna think it's because of secondhand smoke.

And then these bastards aren't gonna make money, and they know it!

W-What the hell is wrong with you?

That's not right.

Oh, God damn it. Do I have to explain this again?

Smoking is bad, people!

So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's okay!

No, it isn't, you fat turd!

Because... I've learned something today.

You just hate...

See? I knew it. Yep.

You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you.

And that's called fascism, you tubby assh*le.

God damn it! There will be no more smoking!

It wasn't the tobacco company's fault that we smoked.

It was our fault... us.

We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do.

You're right, boys, m'kay.

Yeah! Let smokers smoke!

Yeah! That's right!

Hey, Mr. Reiner, why don't you "butt out"?

I'm warning you... Don't mess with antismoking groups.

I don't idolize you anymore, assh*le!

My goo! My precious goo!

So, Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you want to smoke?

No.

Well, then you are grounded, mister!

You too, Eric.

Aww!

Well, I guess we learned our lesson.

No, we didn't, dude. No, we didn't.

With a hide-e-lie-dee-lie-dee and a hide-e-lie-dee-lay.

We work and we make cigarettes all hide-e-lie-dee day.

So folks can get a break-ee.

From their stressful lie-dee lives.

And relax-ee with the cigarettes.

We make all day and night I like to have a cigarette every now and then.

It makes me feel calmer when the day is at an end.

And if it gives me cancer when I'm 80, I don't care