07x15 - It's Christmas in Canada

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Hanukkah, Hanukkah.

Sivivon, sov, sov I got to go tinkle. Sov, sov, sov.

No, Ike. Shh! Sov, sov, sov.

Ma nayim vi-tov.

We thank God for our blessings this Hanukkah.

Our little family is so loving and perfect, and nothing will ever tear us apart.

I'll get it.

Gerald Broflovski?

Yes.

My name is Harry Gints, and this is my wife, Elise.

We're from Canada.

Yes. I can tell.

My wife and I had a child a few years back, and we weren't ready to have a child, so we put him up for adoption.

We were told that you might be the...

Peter! Oh, God, Harry! It's our son!

Peter, it's Mommy.

Gerald, what the hell is going on?

Uh, I'm not sure.

It was a tough time for us.

It was a tough time for all of Canada.

The whole country was devastated by the Cola Wars.

It just seemed we couldn't take care of a baby.

So we put him up for adoption, but as the years passed, I-I just felt an emptiness in my heart.

Oh, it's so good to see him!

Well, we wish you all the best, Mr. And Mrs. Gints.

But to be honest, I think it would be best for Ike if you didn't come around again.

I don't think you understand.

We didn't come to visit Peter.

We came to take him back.

What?

We want to take Peter home to Canada.

Are you crazy?!

Look, you gave Ike up.

You can't just change your mind!

Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear.

And besides, the new Canadian prime minister has issued a decree that all adopted Canadians must be returned home.

The new Canadian prime minister?

Look, Ike is our son now!

He doesn't belong here.

He belongs in Canada with his own kind.

I think you'd better leave.

Please, don't make this any harder for Peter.

Harder for Peter?!

You two just blow in here and say you're gonna haul him back to Canada, and we 're being hard on Peter?!

We're prepared to go to court.

We had hoped it wouldn't come to that.

Well, you bet your ass it'll come to that!

I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied.

The new prime minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override.

By Canadian law, I must award custody of the child to his birth parents.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

No!

Ike's not my little brother anymore?

Gerald, do something!

There's nothing I can do.

Goodbye, Ike.

You... be a good boy, huh?

You... You remember all the things we taught you.

Ike... you'll always be my little brother, okay?

Come on, Peter. We should get going.

No.

Peter, you must come with Mommy and Daddy.

No, no, no, no, no!

I have some chocolate.

Chocolate!

We're going to take good care of him.

You'd better.

Dad? Can't we talk to this new Canadian prime minister?

If he knew the situation, he might...

Oh, Kyle, appealing to the prime minister of Canada would take time and money we don't have.

Dude, look at that.

The Sprinkle Time Make Your Own Marshmallow Factory.

I'm definitely asking for that for Christmas.

I'm gonna tell my parents to get me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop action.

Guys. Guys, I need your help.

Sure, dude.

It's been a week since Ike's been gone, and every day my parents seem worse.

I have to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian prime minister.

But I can't do it alone.

We can't go to Canada, dumb-ass! It's Christmas!

Yeah. What if we miss out on some great Christmas adventure?

Please, you guys. You don't understand.

My family is devastated.

My mom just walks around the house like a zombie, and my dad can't stop crying.

Well, I didn't want to say anything, Kyle, but I think maybe this is what your family gets for being Jewish at Christmastime.

Dude, Cartman.

I'm just saying maybe Jesus is having a little revenge.

I found the number of a really cheap airline to Canada.

If we go as soon as possible...

Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada.

They're about to light the Christmas tree.

Maybe you can get your brother back some other way.

Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of the year, I still wouldn't help you.

Three! Two! One!

As we celebrate this glorious time, we can't forget those families who are suffering.

As many of you know, the Broflovski family has recently had their child torn away from them.

As a community, we must do all we can to ease their pain.

Are there any suggestions how we might help?

How about we get rid of all the Mexicans?

Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you no.

Rats!

The Broflovskis need money to appeal their case to the new Canadian prime minister.

What if this Christmas, instead of buying presents, we all use that money to give to the Broflovskis?

Yeah, right!

Like our parents aren't gonna buy us presents for Christmas.

That's a great idea, Chef. What?

Yeah. Who needs more stuff, anyway?

This Christmas we can do something that really matters!

Dad, don't get carried away.

Then it's settled.

This year, we'll give all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis in hopes that they may someday have their child returned to them.

No. No. This can't be happening!

You f*cking assh*le!

This is all your fault! What?

Everyone's gonna be charitable and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents!

You f*cking Jews ruined Christmas again!

Aah! Whoa. Whoa. Cartman.

It wasn't enough for you people to k*ll Jesus!

Now you have to k*ll Christmas, too, huh?!

Cartman, calm down! Is that true?

It's true, dude. Christmas is ruined.

This is it, Kyle. You and me.

We're throwing down right now.

I'm sorry, you guys, but there is something we can do.

We can go to Canada and see the prime minister like I said.

If we can change his mind before Christmas, then your parents won't have to give my family money.

You really think if we go to Canada, we might still get presents?

It's worth a sh*t.

Come on, you guys. We can do this.

Oh, all right.

But we'd better not miss out on any great Christmas adventures.

We'll get back in time for a Christmas adventure.

Fine, but if it doesn't work, you and me are gonna have it out, Kyle.

Once and for all.

No business.

Christmastime come and nobody want to eat Chinese food.

Looks like I might as well close.

Oh, boy! Some business! Finally!

Hello! Chitty Wok! Take order, please!

I must have the wrong number.

We were trying to reach City Airlines.

Oh. Oh, yes. Just a moment, please.

Hello. Chitty Airlines.

Can I help you take order, please?

Uh, we need to go to Canada as soon as possible.

Ooh, Canada. Okay. That's pretty far.

Gonna cost a lot of money. Let's see.

How many people? Four.

Okay. Four people, Canada, cost a lot of money.

Gonna be about 6,500 dorrah.

How about 50 dorrah?

50 dorrah?!

You flying to Canada! Cost at least 3,000 dorrah!

55 dorrah.

Hey! Stop wasting my time with 55 dorrah.

No way I take my plane to Canada for less than 1,000 dorrah!

Okay. 60 dorrah.

62 dorrah. Okay.

Okay. Meet me Park County Airfield.

Yellow Cessna. Tail number 432G.

Got it!

Never try to barter with a Chinese man.

We have exactly 52 hours before Christmas.

That means we have to be back in 28 hours to still give our parents 24 hours to buy us presents.

Synchronize watches on my mark.

Mark.

Hello! Welcome Chitty Airline!

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I am not flying in that thing.

Mrph.

Why not? Mrph rmhmhm rm!

You're not gonna die, Kenny! Don't be stupid!

You guys go get Ike.

Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.

No. You're both coming.

Do you care about Christmas or not?

Of course I care about Christmas!

Oh, Christ on a stick!

Oh, dude, it smells like kung pao chicken in here.

Okay. Welcome aboard Chitty Airline.

This is your captain speaking.

Looking about two-hour flight.

I'll be turning on the seat belt sign now.

If your seats had seat belts, this is the time you would fasten them.

Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Chitty flight.

All right! We're going to Canada!

Weak.

Hey. Turn off the light.

Whoa. Wait! Oh. Oh!

What's going on?

Hello from the cockpit. This is your captain speaking.

As you can see, it appears that we are going down.

Now would be a good time to reflect on your life and pray to whatever deity you believe in.

Thank you for flying Chitty Airlines.

We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one.

Hey! Where the hell are you going?!

Do something, Kyle! I'm trying!

Look out! Mrphhhh!

You guys.

I don't think we're in America anymore.

Excuse me! Uh, is this an invasion?

No.

Oh, thank heavens! It's okay.

Everyone, it's not an invasion!

I was sure when that plane fell from the sky that we had an invader!

Hey, we're in Canada!

Well, of course you are!

And Canada, friends, welcomes you!

Welcome, friends, to Canada.

Canada, friends, loves you.

We're just like any other country.

Without the big to-do.

We greet thee with pleasure.

But one question, if we may.

What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?

Uh, my adopted brother got taken back here to Canada.

So we want to talk to the new Canadian prime minister about getting him back.

His brother's here somewhere.

The question is, is where?

He must talk to the new prime minister here.

To get his brother home back there.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hey! What the hell is going on?!

It's Scott!

Get away!

Who damaged our beloved Canadian land?

Who's that? That's Scott. He's a d*ck!

Aha! Americans! I should have known!

You think you're the police of the world!

You think you own Canada!

Well, you aren't welcome here. Get out now!

Oh, no, you don't, Scott. Leave these boys alone.

This isn't over, you American scum.

I swear to God, you'll rue this day!

God! What a d*ck!

Look, we don't have a lot of time here, okay?

Can you just tell us where the new prime minister is?

The new prime minister doesn't live in this part of Canada.

He's in Ottawa.

So, how do we get to Ottawa? Oh, that's easy.

You just have to follow the road.

Which road?

This is Canada. We only have one road.

Follow the only road.

Follow the only road.

To go anywhere in Canada.

You just follow the only road.

There's only one road in Canada.

We call it the road, the only road.

Hip-hip hooray! Let's hear it for our road.

It's paved and wide and up to code.

All right, dude.

Let's get the hell out of here. Word.

You're off to see the prime minister.

The prime minister of Canada.

Goodbye, friends!

Good luck with the new prime minister!

And remember to watch out for Scott. He's a d*ck!

Goodbye! So long!

See you! Watch out for Scott!

20 hours until Christmas.

Our parents still have time to buy us presents if we hurry.

Ahoy there, travelers! Who are you?

I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie.

I thought Mounties were supposed to ride horses.

Yes. Yes, we are.

But our funding has been cut, and now we're forced to ride...

We're in a rush to see the new prime minister.

You're going to see the new prime minister?

Oh, I would so like to meet him myself.

It's his strange new laws that took our horses away.

Perhaps I will go with you.

That's okay. We'd rather go by ourselves.

Follow me this way!

We're going to see the prime minister.

The prime minister of Canada.

Power-hungry Americans. I'll fix you!

Oh, Jesus. 18 hours. We're running out of time.

All right, boys. Prepare yourselves.

We're about to enter French Canada.

French Canada?

There's no Canada like French Canada.

It's the best Canada in the land.

The other Canada is hardly Canada.

If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.

Welcome to French Canada!

We have everything your heart could desire.

Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese.

Would you like a mustache?

Just stay calm, boys.

French Canadians are a little odd.

Uh, we're just passing through to see the new prime minister.

Well, first you must answer that phone.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

We don't have time for this.

You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call!

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

Hello.

Hello! If you are going to see the new prime minister, then I want to go with you.

He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!

How can the French not drink wine?

Travesty!

Okay. You can come with us.

Ho ho! Very good! Let us make haste!

There's no Canada like French Canada.

It's the best Canada in the land.

And the other Canada is a bullshit Canada.

If you lived here for a day, you'd understand I think you'd understand.

You understand.

Oh, my! This certainly is a desolate place.

It reminds me of death and fear.

How much further to Ottawa? Christmas is only 12 hours away!

We must be very close now.

Hey! What are you doing?

Oh, no. It's Scott!

What are you two doing helping these Americans?

Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?

You're a d*ck, Scott!

You're a d*ck!

And by helping Americans, you're just as smelly as they are!

Now I'm going to get you!

Not so fast, Scott.

Who the hell are you?

I am Steve the Newfoundlander, and you're on Newfoundland property now.

Get off before I have you arrested.

Oh! This isn't over! Not by a long sh*t!

I'll fix you! I'll fix all of you!

That was a close call.

Thank you, kind Newfie.

God damn it, we need to get to the new prime minister now!

Oh, yeah? The prime minister, eh?

He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland.

Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.

Well, come with us!

Maybe you can ask to him to take his sodomy ban away.

Can we just get going, please?

Yeah. Sure. Except there's just one problem.

What?

You folks is going the wrong way.

What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!

Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.

Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way.

Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right.

Oh, no!

How could you be so stupid?!

There's no way we can go all the way back!

We'll never make it now!

It's okay, boys.

The power is inside us to get to Ottawa.

We can wish ourselves there.

Oh, yes. Let's wish ourselves there.

Is it working? Oh, God damn it!

Well, I warned you, Kyle.

I told you if I missed Ch ristmas, we were gonna throw down.

Well, it's on.

We're gonna have it out right now!

Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?

Oh, yes! On the river, we could travel to Ottawa in no time!

Well, come on!

Okay. Next stop... The new prime minister.

Do you think we can still make it in time?

We better, Kyle. Or you're dead.

Here we are at the Parliament building.

The prime minister is inside.

Well, come on. Let's hurry! It's almost Christmas!

Yes?

We need to see the new prime minister.

Impossible!

The new prime minister is not seeing anybody.

Oh, well. So much for that.

We gave it our best, but I guess our best wasn't good enough, eh?

No.

No!

Yes?

Please, sir! I've traveled a long way to get here.

He's the only person who can help me.

The prime minister isn't here.

He's in China on official business.

So you might as well go home. Goodbye!

Then that's it.

I-I'm never going to get my brother back.

And... I'm not going to get any Christmas presents.

And I'm not gonna have a Christmas adventure.

Mrph rmhmhm rm.

Oh, please! Please stop crying!

I'm gonna k*ll you, Kyle.

All right. All right. I was lying!

The prime minister is here.

Really?! Yes. Yes. Come in!

I am the prime minister of Canada!

What do you guys want?

Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing parents who had given their children up for adoption to change their minds.

My little brother... Not so fast!

Ike! Kyle!

Prime Minister, these are the child's Canadian parents.

Their Canadian blood pumps through his veins.

Would you send him to America with those w*r-hungry scum?

Please, sir.

I came because I don't think Ike belongs here.

Family isn't about whose blood you have in you.

Family is about the people who cared about you and took care of you.

We're not the same blood, but I love my little brother.

We've taken care of him because he needed us to.

And that makes us more family than anything.

That was a great speech, guy.

But the answer is no!

All of my new laws will stay in effect forever!

You lose, Americans!

Then I suppose us Mounties will never get our horses.

And we won't get our wine.

And we can't perform sodomy, eh?

But why are you making such strange laws?

I said go!

Oh, my God! They k*lled Kenny!

You... bastards.

What... What the hell is wrong with you?

What kind of prime minister bases his decisions on hatred and takes away Mounties' horses and French people's wine?

What the hell kind of prime minister are you, anyway?

I am the prime minister of Canada!

I can do whatever I...

Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole.

He's just my friend.

What the hell?

Hey, that looks like S*ddam Hussein!

S*ddam Hussein? No! Relax, buddy.

I'm not him.

That explains everything.

The new prime minister was S*ddam Hussein, once again trying to take over our beloved Canada like he did before.

S*ddam Hussein?

He was fooling us?

Get him!

Uh, don't sh**t! I want to negotiate!

Hey! Relax!

Wait a minute!

This means all the prime minister's new laws are null and void.

We can have our horses back!

And we can drink our wine!

And I can s*domize me boys again.

Young man, you must really care for Peter to have come all this way.

Perhaps we were wrong to try and take Peter back.

He doesn't belong here. He belongs with his family.

Peter, would you like to go back to your home in Colorado?

What is that?

It's Christmas. We officially missed it.

It's Christmas Day, and... I'm in Canada.

Well, yeah. But I got my brother back.

Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents!

And what did I tell you, Kyle?!

I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas, I was gonna whoop your ass, didn't I?!

Dude, come on.

Now you're gonna get it, m*therf*cker.

That's right. You and me, right now, we're having it out!

Let's go! Come on! Come on!

Mo-o-m!

Mo-o-o-o-m!

Hey, come on, boys!

You can spend Christmas with us... Canada style!

Ding, dong, they caught S*ddam.

Merry Christmas to the world.

Ding, dong, the Americans caught S*ddam.

Now Canada is free for you and you and me.

It's the best Christmas present we ever got.

Canadian Christmas... It's the best.

We drink and dance and show our breasts.

And celebrate.

S*ddam Hussein's been caught.

Oh, well.

Maybe we'll get to have a Christmas adventure next year.