09x06 - The Death of Eric Cartman

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" I.

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Dude, where is she? I can't wait.

God, this is gonna be so yummy.

Stan, you said your mom was bringing.

Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner.

Now, is she or isn't she?!

Hi, boys.

Mom! She's here!

She's got Colonel! Oh, boy!

I want some! I want a breast!

It's Extra Crispy, right? It's Extra Crispy?

Not so fast.

You boys can help bring in the other groceries in the car, then have your chicken.

Aww! Rmh!

But, Mom, we've been waiting for hours.

It won't take a minute.

Come on, guys.

If we all help out, we can do it super fast.

All right. Let's go.

Oh, my God. That smells good.

Okay. This is everything, Mom.

All right! Let's eat Colonel!

Oh, boy!

Cartman, you ate the skin off of every piece of chicken!

Well, I saved you all the chicken part.

The skin's the best part.

Well, I got to go home, guys.

I'm gonna sit on the toilet and read comic books.

See you at the bus stop tomorrow.

I can't believe that fat assh*le.

You can't believe it?

He does this all the time.

Well, this time he's gone too far.

Mrph! Mrph rm!

Why do we even hang out with him anyway?

Hello?! I've been saying this for years.

Well, it's not like we're nice to him.

We rip on him all the time.

Yes, but he thrives on that.

All right. Then let's just ignore him.

From now on, let's not talk to him.

Let's not even acknowledge him.

Rm mrph!

That sounds great.

Hey, fags. What's going on?

Dude, I was on the toilet all night from that chicken.

I thought I was gonna die.

Do one of you guys have milk money I can borrow?

I think I have extra. Oh, wow.

A Jew asking for money. There's a new one.

Y-You guys know why Jews have glassy eyes?

Here you go. Thanks.

Dude, Stan, you... you know why Jews have glassy eyes, like Kyle?

Uh, K-Kenny, you see that chick on the news that had her left titty cut off?

Kenny?

Kenny?

Stan? Stan, it's me... Eric.

K-Kenny.

Kenny, you want 50 cents?

Dude, look at me, Kyle! I'm right here!

What... How did...

Like they couldn't see or hear me.

It's almost as if I were...

...dead.

No.

No, I can't be dead.

I can't be dead!

All right, ma'am, we've got your new toilet installed, and we'll haul the broken one away for you.

Oh, you've been so helpful.

I just don't know how to thank you.

I could think of a few ways.

No! No!

What happened? Did they say?

Apparently there was so much chicken skin in the system it just ruptured the insides.

Aw, that's tragic.

Oh, my God. This can't be happening!

Mom? Mom's crying.

Oh, God. It is true!

Oh, it's not fair!

Why?! Why?!

Hey, fellas. Where is Cartman?

Cartman isn't our friend anymore.

We're ignoring him.

Ignoring him? How come?

Because he's a fat, r*cist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.

Oh, yeah.

I hate Cartman, too. Can I ignore him with you?

Yeah! Me too!

Yeah, screw him.

I never realized ignoring him was an option.

Guys! Guys!

Can anybody hear me?! You guys!

Token! Token, I'm here!

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Clyde, can't you feel me?!

Feel me, Clyde!

Jimmy! Jimmy, it's me... Eric!

Jimmy. Can't you feel your hair move?!

That's mel!

They don't even know yet that one of their best friends is dead...

Dead and still wandering the earth a lost soul.

What is that kid doing?

I-I don't know. Just ignore him.

Loo loo loo, I've got some apples.

Loo loo loo, you've got some, too.

What did I do to deserve this?!

How can my own god forsake me?!

Am I doomed to wander the earth alone for all eternity?!

Hey, Eric!

What did you say?

I just said, "Hey, Eric."

Butters.

Butters, you can see me?!

Well, sure, I can see you.

Oh, my God! And you can hear me?!

Well, geez, Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you?

Because, Butters... I'm dead.

Butters!

Butters, I just want to talk to you.

You d*ed? How?

I ate a bunch of chicken skin, and it blew out my insides.

But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you?

I don't know, but you're the only one who can.

Butters! Butters, God damn it, I need your help!

Butters, what on earth are you doing?

I'm like the... I'm like the kid in that movie.

I-I'm seeing dead people!

Dead people?

Who's seeing dead people?

Me! I saw a ghost!

Now, Butters, there's no such thing as ghosts.

But I saw him, just as plain as I'm seeing you right now!

Butters, these things happen all the time.

You've got a very active little brain, and your mind was just playing tricks on you.

R-Really?

Yes.

So... So it was just...

It was just my im... Imagination, then?

That's right.

There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real.

There's plenty of real things to be scared of.

Like Super AIDS.

S-Super AIDS? That's right.

A new form of AIDS which is resistant to dr*gs.

Just one teaspoon of Super AIDS in your butt, and you're dead in three years.

Aah! Oh, Jesus!

So now you feel better?

Ghosts don't exist, and there's nothing to be afraid of.

Except for Super AIDS.

N-Nothing to be scared of.

Just... Just some lightning and thunder.

Wasn't nothing, neither. J-Just a mouse.

Butters.

Butters, you have to help me!

Go away! You aren't real!

All right, Butters. You leave me no choice.

Butters, what is going on?!

Well, I saw... Well, he was...

Nothin". I just had a nightmare.

You better stop having nightmares or else you're gonna be grounded.

Y-Yes, sir.

Butters.

Butters, God damn it, I'm not in your imagination.

I'm dead, and for some reason you can see me.

But I don't want to see you!

Get ahold of yourself. I'm the one who d*ed.

And for some reason, my spirit is trapped here on earth.

I can't find the passage to heaven.

Well, how do you know you're supposed to go to heaven?

What do you mean?

Well, how do you know you're not supposed to go to, you know... heck?

I'm not going to heck, Butters. I'm not black, all right?

Now, look.

I think the reason my soul is still here is because I need closure with all my friends and loved ones.

I can say my final goodbyes to them through you.

I can't. I have school tomorrow.

This is your problem, Butters.

Either you help me, or I will haunt you for the rest of your life.

All right.

All right. I'll help you.

Mrs. Cartman?

Yes? Oh, hi.

This is going to seem very strange, and... and you may not believe me, but, well... your son wanted me to tell you something.

What is it?

Tell her... Tell her that I love her.

He says... he loves you.

Oh, that's so nice.

Tell her... Tell her that I wish...

I wish I would've been a better son sometimes.

He wishes he would've been a better son sometimes.

It's just that I got so caught up with the rat race of life, trying to succeed, that I sometimes took my family for granted.

He... He got... He got caught up in the rat race of... of taking things for granted.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, I love you too, poopykins!

Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's sorry for all the times he made fun of you for being a no-good, stinkin' Jew.

He's asking for your forgiveness a-and wants you to just remember the good times.

Just the good times.

There were no good times.

And if he really feels bad, he can just tell me himself!

I can't! Don't you understand?!

He can't! Don't you understand?!

God forgave the Jews! You should be able to forgive me!

God forgave the Jews! You should be able to forgive him!

All right. Come on, Butters.

We got to tell Token I'm sorry for ripping on him for being black.

Oh, all right, then.

Who was that?

It was Cartman, having Butters apologize for him.

Dude, he did that to me this morning.

Mrph rm.

He probably thinks if he apologizes, we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle.

Mrph rmhmhm rm.

Yeah, we know better than to think that.

Okay. That takes care of Token, Clyde, and Mr. Kitty.

That's everyone, I guess.

All that leaves is you, Butters.

Butters, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you.

Aw, that's okay, Eric.

Well, it's all done.

My soul is at peace. I think I can go now.

So I won't see you again?

Don't be sad, Butters.

What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and $10,000 cash.

Wow.

Goodbye, Butters.

I'm going to a better place.

Perhaps I'll see you again sometime.

Goodbye!

Y-You're still here.

God damn it, what the is going on?!

I guess saying goodbye wasn't enough.

What else do I have to do?!

Well... Well, you know, Preacher says that before your soul can be at peace, sometimes you have to atone for something bad you did.

Atone?

Did you ever do anything really bad?

Not really.

Let's see.

Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it.

Broke fence.

I took a crap in the principal's purse... seven times.

Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza.

I pretended to be Ret*rded and joined the Special Olympics.

I tried to have all the Jews exterminated last spring.

Uh, oh, yeah, and there's this one kid whose parents I had k*lled and then made into chili, which I fed to the kid.

Boy, oh, boy, Eric. You've got a lot to atone for.

Really? Really.

I mean, honestly, I don't know how you're gonna make up for all this.

I know how.

I'm gonna make... Make it right I'm gonna take a little time and set things straight.

Make... Make it right I'm payin' for my sins, and it sure feels great.

It feels so good to be makin' up.

For all the things I done wrong I know now what the good Lord in heaven.

Wanted from me all along.

All along I'm gonna make... Make it right.

'Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.

Not fakin' it, I'm makin' it right.

Payin' for my sins, and it sure feels great.

Make... Make it right.

Make... Make it right.

Gonna make it right, girl I got to have your lovin' tonight.

Make it right.

Make... Make it right.

Well, there's everything, Butters.

I've made everything right.

Does this mean... you have to go now?

Yes, Butters. My soul is finally at peace.

It's time for me to leave.

Goodbye, Butters. Thank you for all your help.

Be good and be safe.

Goodby-y-y-y-e.

God damn it, what?!

I made everything right!

Oh, geez.

I guess maybe your soul is stuck here for a different reason.

I want my eternal bliss!

You think this is funny, God?!

You think this is funny, you sick bastard?!

Eric! Calm down!

Stupid butthole God!

Butters! What have you done?!

It wasn't me. It was the ghost.

Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should ground him or call a doctor.

No, I think you'd better call a doctor.

I'll ground him.

What do you think, Doctor?

You son is suffering from severe dementia.

He claims that the ghost of a dead friend talks to him.

This is usually a sign of schizophrenia brought on by some tragic event in the child's past.

I think it's best that we take him to the mental center and do some tests.

Oh, no.

No!

All right, Butters. Just try to relax.

Doing just fine, Butters.

Just stay perfectly still now, Butters.

Loo loo loo-loo.

Loo loo loo.

Bl-bl-bl-bl! Bl-bl-bl-bl!

Bl-bl-bl-bl!

Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch now, Butters.

Bl-bl-bl-bl!

Don't worry, Mrs. Stotch.

Whatever traumatized your son in his past, we'll find it.

Bl-bl-bl-bl!

Bl-bl-bl-bl!

Well, after 14 hours of testing, I can say Butters is definitely suffering from aggravated repressed memory syndrome.

You see, Butters, when the brain wants to cover something up, it makes up images and sounds for you to hear.

So... the ghost was in my head... the whole time.

Now do you believe us, Butters?

Yes! Yes, sir! I believe you.

Good. We're making a lot of headway.

We'll do some more testing tomorrow.

All right, folks. Let's let Butters get some rest.

Good night, baby.

Butters.

Don't worry, Butters. I'm gonna get you out of here.

Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom is really sore.

I found the woman you need to talk to for me.

Look! Dr. Lindsay, expert in the paranormal.

She can tell us what to do.

Eric, you're just an image in my head brought on by a traumatic event.

She's gonna close soon. Come on!

Oh, I hate my stupid psychotic brain.

Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you?

Certainly. Come in.

Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek.

Well, there's this ghost, see, only it probably isn't a ghost.

I-I It's just a delusion brought on by my trauma.

I'm supposed to help him find out why his spirit is wandering the earth, even though I know that I'm most likely just completely insane.

Well, many times, a reason that the soul stays earthbound is because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose, to help prevent an impending tragic event.

Of course.

That's it, Butters! We had it wrong all the time.

But now, you shouldn't think you're crazy, young man.

I see ghosts all the time.

Really?

Yes. When is the last time you saw yours?

Well, he's sitting next to me right now.

Hey, I think she could see you, too.

You really are a ghost!

I told you, Butters.

This is breaking news.

A tragic event is unfolding in South Park.

Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail and are holding 12 people hostage at the Red Cross.

Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested when they ran inside the Red Cross behind me and threatened to k*ll all the workers inside.

The violent men are demanding a helicopter and $200,000 cash.

Oh, my God. This is it, Butters.

This is what I'm here to stop.

Come on, Butters.

The psychic boy and his ghost pal are going to save the day.

Stay back, people!

Stay back, hell! My wife and child are in there!

Stay calm in there.

We don't want anybody getting hurt.

You get us a helicopter and $200,000, or these people start dying, man!

All right, Butters. I'm going in alone first.

Give me 30 seconds in there, and then you go in and free the hostages.

Go in there? But they'll see me.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

Eric.

Well, be careful... ghost pal.

They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already dead.

What the hell is that kid doing?

Somebody's coming in.

It's just some little fat kid.

Whoo-o-o-o!

Whoo-o-o-o!

Whoo-o-o-o!

What the hell is going on?!

I have no idea.

Yes. It's working.

Whoo-o-o-o!

This is really weird.

Whoo-o-o-o!

Whoo-o-o-o!

Whoo-o-o-o!

An incredible development here, Tom.

Two little boys have fearlessly gone inside the Red Cross.

Cartman?

I'm so confused.

Hurry. Go! Go!

The hostages are clear!

All right! Move in!

The hostages are gone!

What?!

Freeze!

Son of a bitch.

Tom, an incredible story of courage.

Two little boys armed only with the w*apon of confusion managed to go in and save the Red Cross.

Nobody seems to know who the boys are or where they went off to, but they are heroes.

Well, we did it, Butters. We saved the day.

Boy, we sure did.

My spirit is at rest now.

I can finally go to everlasting peace, eternal rest, and $10,000 cash.

Butters, I think that through this whole thing, we've really become friends.

Yeah. I feel that way, too.

We both kind of needed each other, and... well, I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too... ghost pal.

Goodbye, Butters. I must be going now.

I'll be looking down on you from time to time.

Have a long, fulfilling life, Butters.

Goodby-y-y-y-y-e.

Hey, Cartman, that was really cool what you did.

Yeah, Eric. We're gonna stop ignoring you now.

We didn't think that by pretending you didn't exist, you would really change, but you really have.

Well, anyway, we just wanted to let you know.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Yeah. S-See you, Eric.

You son of a bitch, Butters.

You told me I was a ghost! But I thought you were one!

How stupid are you?!

So help me God, Butters, I'm gonna get you back for this.

I am going to get you back!

Butters!

Oh, hamburgers.

Make... Make it right.

'Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.

Not fakin' it, I'm makin' it right.

Payin' for my sins, and it sure feels great.

Make... Make it right.

Make... Make it right.

Gonna make it right, girl I got to have your lovin' tonight.

Make... Make it right.

Make... Make it right