03x11 - City Slackers

[bunniefuu]

Opening Sequence

[SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Cory and Shawn are studying, alone, at the table]

Shawn: You know the best thing about studying at your house?

Cory: The good lighting in the bathroom?

Shawn: No Feeny.

(Feeny drums at the windows in the doorway to the backyard)

Feeny: Morning.

Shawn: (To Cory) That is not fair.

Cory: (Feeny knocks again, then holds out his hands impatiently) Shawn, you’re closer to the door. Let him in.

Shawn: Why, so he can hassle me? No, that door is doing exactly what it’s supposed to.

Cory: Hey, I know Feeny, alright? (Stands, pats Shawn’s shoulder) The man is a pro. (Walks towards the door) Now, he leaves that principal stuff at school. (Opens door)

Feeny: (Walks in, towards the kitchen table) Ready for the test, gentlemen?

Shawn: (To Cory) Again, not fair.

Cory: We’re studying, Mr. Feeny.

Shawn: (Lifts his closed book) See? My history book is right here.

Feeny: (Takes the book) Still in its original cellophane, I see.

Shawn: (Nods) Uh-huh. I get top dollar on the resale.

Feeny: You know, Mr. Hunter, I’ve noticed that the students who do best in my class have usually read the book.

Shawn: Yeah, what’s that get ‘em?

Feeny: Into college.

Shawn: (Sighs) More books. (Takes his book back from Feeny, goes to Cory’s side)

(Enter Amy from upstairs)

Amy: George. Are the boys in trouble?

Feeny: Probably. But that’s not why I’m here. (Takes a small, golden box with a red bow from his pocket and hands it to Amy)

Amy: (Takes box) You remembered it’s my birthday this Sunday. That is so sweet.

(Enter Alan from upstairs, fiddling with his cuffs)

Alan: Oh, morning, George. Are the boys in trouble?

Amy: (To Alan) George remembered it’s my birthday.

Alan: Oh, you got a birthday coming up? (Amy gives him a look) (Laughs) I’m kidding. It’s Sunday, how could I forget? The Eagles are playing.

Amy: Not for you, honey. (Opens the box, takes a key from it) (To Feeny) A key?

Feeny: To my cottage in the mountains. I thought you two might enjoy a romantic getaway this weekend.

Amy: (Smiles, puts key and box on the counter) Oh, George, you are the best! (Kisses Feeny’s cheek) Thanks you. (Feeny chuckles bashfully) Wait a minute, I thought you sold your place in the Poconos.

Feeny: I intend to. I don’t get up there very much. But I assure you, it’s very romantic.

Alan: Well, that’s very considerate, George, but see, I already have plans for her birthday. (Without the adults noticing, Shawn snakes the key from the counter)

Feeny: Well, hang onto the key. Another weekend, perhaps.

Shawn: (Throws his textbook out the door) Oh, whoops! (To all) My history book just slipped, I better go try and find it. Cory, I believe you know the terrain best? (Gestures out the door)

Cory: (Acting, to the adults) Um, yes. I know this tundra like my own backyard. (He and Cory go into the backyard, shutting the door)

Shawn: Cory, I have got something incredible to tell you. But for security reasons, I am going to use our code.

Cory: Well, we don’t have a code, so you…

Shawn: Really? Guys like us should have a code.

Cory: Well, you know, we’ll bring that up at the next meeting, but just…

Shawn: When’s our next meeting?

Cory: Shawn, we don’t have meetings.

Shawn: This club blows. Look, I think I know how to make it better. (Holds up the key he snatched)

Cory: (Pause) That’s Feeny’s key, so what?

Shawn: So? There is an empty cottage in sky country. Which means a mountain full of young, healthy, snuggly snow bunnies.

Cory: Feeny’s house. Y’know, if we went up there, he’d go mental.

Shawn: (Shrugs) A bonus. Look, this guy goes out of his way to make my life miserable. Here’s his way of making it up to me.

Cory: Shawn, it’s not right.

Shawn: (Shrugs) Cor, sometimes you gotta break the rules.

Cory: Look, it’s deceitful and irresponsible, okay? Plus, the chances of getting away with it are slim to none. (Long pause, Shawn looks at Cory expectantly) Oh, you know I’m going.

[SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway. Cory is at his locker when Shawn runs over, carrying two tickets]

Shawn: (Presenting tickets) Two bus tickets to paradise.

Cory: And the weather report?

Shawn: Fresh blanket of snow on the mountains.

Cory: Alright, Shawn, not to put a damper on our plans or anything, but, y’know, it occurred to me in a moment of clarity that we don’t ski!

Shawn: Hey. We don’t learn but we go to school, don’t we?

[Cut to across the hall, outside Mr. Turner’s doorway. Turner is at it, Eric calls for him]

Eric: Uh, Mr. Turner? Mr. Turner?

Turner: Yeah, what is it?

Eric: Oh, it’s me. Eric, Cory’s brother.

Turner: Yeah, you’re in my English Lit class.

Eric: Oh, right. How am I doing?

Turner: Not so great.

Eric: Cool. Um, anyway… I saw you over there talking to Bianca Sabatini. (Glances over a giggling girl on the phone)

Bianca: (On the phone) Uh-huh…

Turner: Yeah?

Eric: (To Turner) Well, I was just wondering how do you know her?

Turner: I’m her teacher.

Eric: Could you teach her to go out with me? (Turner cringes) ‘Cause, see, I know she only goes out with jocks. I’m not really into sports, man. Don’t get me wrong, I see the occasional game, but just to see the players’ wives. They get the best looking girls! Y’know, it’s got something to do with the cars, or…

Turner: (Interrupting) Uh, Matthews? Matthews. This conversation doesn’t really need me, does it?

Eric: Um, no, not really. But thanks for your time.

Turner: No problem. (Walks away)

Eric: Okay, I’ll see you. (Bianca, off the phone, walks towards Eric) Um, hi, Bianca? I’m Eric Matthews? Were in the same English class. (Holds out hand to shake)

Bianca: (Shakes Eric’s hands) Oh, yeah. You’re the smart one.

Eric: (Chuckles) Yeah. That’s right, this year I might be class Victorian.

Bianca: (Laughs) You’re cute. Are you a jock?

Eric: I’ve worn them. (Grins)

[SCENE – Chubbie’s. Eric and Bianca are having lunch]

Eric: So, what is it with you and jocks, anyway?

Bianca: I like to date winners. So what sport do you play?

Eric: (Looks around, sees the pool table) Do you follow pool?

Bianca: Not at all.

Eric: (Nods) Mm… I’m a grandmaster. (Stands, walks over to the pool table)

Bianca: (Following Eric) You know, that’s funny, I never thought of pool as a jocky kind of sport.

Eric: (Grabs a cue) Really? Do you see this scar? (Points to forehead) Eightball championships, Mexico City, 1964. (Nods, Bianca looks confused)

(Enter Frankie and Joey, carrying food)

Joey: Excuse me! If it isn’t Mr. and Mrs. Buttinski playing upon the table that me and Frankie were most joyously playing upon.

Eric: Uh, whatever, guys. Well, the table was empty, so if you don’t mind, we’d just like to finish up, here. (Sets the balls in the triangle)

Joey: What? Are you challenging Frankie to the table?

Eric: I said that?

Joey: Well, you implied it.

Bianca: (Suggestively) Come on, Eric. I’d love to see the grandmaster at work. It’d make me very happy.

Eric: (Twitches at the thought of pleasing Bianca, turns to Frankie) Okay, Frankie, you’re on. (Joey chuckles) I mean, how good could he be, right?

Joey: (Frankie takes out a very professional-looking stick and begins assembling it) You’re buried, Matthews. Dead. In the ground.

[SCENE – Feeny’s Pocono Cottage living room. The room is completely dark, furniture covered in sheets, when Cory and Shawn enter, led by Ranger Mark, who carries a lantern]

Ranger Mark: Well, here ya go.

Cory: (With a frozen mouth) ‘Hank hoo.

Shawn: (Frozen mouth) ‘Hank hoo ‘hery ‘huch…

Ranger Mark: Little chilly for you city boys.

Cory: (Holds fingers together) ‘ittle bit…

Shawn: Uh, thanks for the ride, Officer… uh…

Ranger Mark: Ranger. Ranger Mark.

Cory: How old are you?

Ranger Mark: Which one of you is Feeny’s grandson?

Shawn & Cory: Oh, he is. (Point to each other)

Cory: Well, I am.

Shawn: We both are.

Cory: (In-sync with Shawn’s line) We’re brothers.

Shawn: (In-sync with Cory’s line) We’re cousins.

Shawn: Brother-cousins…

Ranger Mark: No need to explain, son, I’m from mountain people, myself.

Cory: So, uh, Ranger Mark. How far is the nearest ski lodge?

Ranger Mark: Oh, about two miles.

Shawn: Manageable. And how far if you’re walking?

Ranger Mark: Two miles.

Cory: Two miles?

Shawn: Hey, lighten up, Cor, it’s only a mile each.

Ranger Mark: (Locks a window) You boys be sure to keep your windows and doors secured at night. You wouldn’t want to wake up in the morning with a skull full of Grady’s a*.

Cory: (Looks to Shawn nervously, then back to Ranger Mark) Grady’s a*?

Ranger Mark: Ho, ho. (Sits on a covered couch, gestures for Cory and Shawn to sit across from him, and they do) Legend has it that years ago, a man brought his beautiful bride to Grady Pines. And she fell in love with a young ski instructor. The husband went crazy with jealousy, and hacked them both up before taking his own life. Now, the locals will tell you, every year that psycho returns to this mountain to wreak his bloody revenge! (Cory’s mouth is hanging open)

Cory: (After a silence) Uh, I got a question. If the psycho took his own life, then how can he come back?

Ranger Mark: (Turns away, resting his chin on his hand, thinking) Huh. (Squints, thinking)

Shawn: (Sidebar with Cory) That’s why you don’t see many rangers on “The Tonight Show.”

Ranger Mark: (Stands) Anyway, do you boys know how to turn on the electricity?

Shawn: Oh, please. (Stands, with Cory) I think we know how to flip a switch.

Ranger Mark: (Makes towards door) Well, good. I gotta go, I’m watching a video with my buddy, Moose.

Cory: That’s another ranger friend of yours?

Ranger Mark: A moose can’t be a ranger! (Exits, shaking his head)

Shawn: Do you believe that? “Turn on the electricity.”

Cory: Oh, I know. What kind of city mama’s boys does he takes us for? This is… (Flips a switch, the lights remain out. He and Shawn begin to look panicked as Cory frantically flips the light switch up and down)

[SCENE – Chubbie’s backroom. A crowd has gathered around Eric and Frankie’s game of pool. Frankie and Joey hold back laughter and Bianca looks on intently as Eric lines up a sh*t. He makes the sh*t and completely misses, knocking the cue ball and another ball off the table. Joey laughs]

Bianca: Eric!

Eric: (Clears throat) Yeah, see, in Mexico they have chicken wire around the table.

(Eli enters)

Eli: (To Eric/Bianca) What’s the crowd for?

Bianca: Big game, Mr. Williams.

[Cut over to Joey, who coaxes Frankie as he lines up his sh*t]

Joey: Come on, concentrate, Frankie. Like you do at Thanksgiving.

Frankie: The first night or the second night?

Joey: There’s only one night.

Frankie: Not in my house. (Looks back to the table, then makes a sh*t, sinking a ball)

Joey: (Joyously) Yes! (The ball pops out of the hole) No! (Eric laughs giddily, Joey throws his hat)

Eli: (Paces over to Eric, eying the table) Matthews.

Eric: Mm?

Eli: How long you guys been playing?

Eric: About an hour.

Eli: So let me ask you something.

Eric: (Bends down to make a sh*t) Mm.

Eli: Why are all the balls still on the table?

Eric: Been having some bad luck. (Hits the cue ball, which curves across the table unnaturally, completely missing all of the other balls. Eric stands straight, frustrated)

Eli: Some serious bad luck.

Eric: Huh… (Shakes head disgustedly)

[SCENE – Feeny’s cottage in the Poconos. The lights are still out, all the furniture still covered in sheets, when Cory and Shawn enter, with Shawn carrying a lantern. The two are bundled in jackets and whatnot, as before]

Shawn: Well, that was the worst two hours of my life. (Sets down lantern) I can’t believe the ski lodge was closed.

Cory: Yeah, you think Ranger Mark might have mentioned the little fact that there’s no one else on the mountain! (Shawn sits, removing his snow gear)

Shawn: (Sighs, removing hat) There wasn’t even any snow.

Cory: Yeah, what about that, Shawn? You told me the weather report said snow in the mountains.

Shawn: They did. They said the Rocky Mountains were blanketed with fresh powder.

Cory: The Rockies? Shawn, we’re in the Poconos! (Shines flashlight in Shawn’s face) Two thousand miles away from the Rocky Mountains! (Paces away)

Shawn: Oh, you means that’s a name? (Stands, follows Cory) I thought it was a description. You know, like, “chewy nougat.”

Cory: That’s great, Shawn. No power. No lights. No heat. What are we gonna do?

Shawn: Okay, okay. Lemme think, lemme think. (The lights suddenly go on) Cory, either the lights just went on, or I got an idea.

Cory: (Whispering) Somebody’s here, shh, shh, shh…

Shawn: Who?

Cory: With our luck, a dead psycho a*-m*rder*d.

Shawn: You mean Grady?

Cory: No, I’m thinking Pooh Bear. Of course, Grady!

(The lock begins to open. Cory and Shawn run and grab makeshift weapons. Shawn gets a crowbar, but Cory only has a small broom)

Shawn: (Yelling at the door) Okay, you dead psycho a*-m*rder*r! Let’s see what you’re made of!

(The door opens. It’s Feeny)

[SCENE – Feeny’s cottage in the Poconos, continued from earlier.]

Feeny: (Shuts door) Alright, I’m here. (Drops bag) Time to belly up to the excuse table.

Shawn: Mr. Feeny, you’ve got no right trespassing on your own property!

Feeny: Mr. Matthews, you’re up.

Cory: Actually, Mr. Feeny, my parents are on the way up and we just rushed ahead to straighten up the place. (Does a few sweeps with his broom)

Feeny: (Sternly) That’s a bald-faced lie.

Cory: Every word, sir.

Feeny: (Takes off his coat) So, you two snaked the key from your parents and snuck up here to have a good time.

Shawn: That’s a bald-faced lie, Mr. Feeny! (Cory hits Shawn with the brook)(To Cory) It worked when he said it.

Cory: (To Feeny) Y’know, Mr. Feeny, I thought you said you never used this place anymore.

Feeny: I came to pack up so I could sell it.

Cory: We’ll take it!

Shawn: (Smiling) Hey, now you’re trespassing.

Feeny: (To Shawn) I don’t even hear you, anymore. (Begins removing the sheets from the couches)

Cory: Look, Mr. Feeny, before things get too out of hand, why don’t you just call our parents and they can some pick us up.

Feeny: (Balling up the sheets) This late? Uh-uh. (Drops sheets in the corner) No, we’re stuck here till morning, like it or not.

Shawn: How many beds are there?

Feeny: One.

Shawn: I’ll flip ya for it. (Digs into pocket, comes out with a coin) Call it in the air. (Flips the coin in the air)

Feeny: (Catches the coin in mid-flight, sticks it on his hand and takes a peek) You lose. (Walks away with coin)

[SCENE – Chubbie’s backroom. The crowd still looks on as Eric and Frankie’s pool table is still completely full. Frankie takes a sh*t and misses, the crowd applauds]

Eric: (To Eli) Why is everybody cheering?

Eli: Well, ‘cause nobody’s ever seen folks hold a table for three hours without sinking a single sh*t.

Eric: (Stands, holds out arms to the crowd, which claps and cheers) (To Bianca) So, how’s it feel to be dating a winner?

Bianca: I’ll let you know as soon as I find one. (Exits)

Eric: (Calling after Bianca) So you’ll call me, then?

Joey: She was too good for you, Matthews.

Eric: Yeah, you know something? You’re right. She was just holding me back.

Frankie: I know I feel a lot less pressure.

Eric: Alright, Frankie. Let’s play some pool. (Steps forward, pointing intimidatingly)

(Then, a montage begins. The first sh*t has Eric sh**ting into a cluster of balls and not sinking one. Eric sighs, Joey pumps fists enthusiastically. The next has Frankie sh**t at one ball, but it spins as though attached to another. Frankie stands straight, looking at the balls, confused. The next sh*t shows Eric sh**ting at a ball in the corner pocket and bouncing it off the wall, over another ball, and into the adjacent corner pocket. The crowd cheers. The next sh*t shows Eric and Frankie looking confused at the eight ball sitting directly on top of the cue ball. They look at each other, then back to the balls, puzzled. Eli leans in to take a look. The next sh*t shows Eric taking a cramped downward angle at the cue ball, then managing to curve it around some other balls into the distant corner pocket. Finally, Frankie sh**t at a ball, which explodes into dust upon impact as Joey coughs and waves it away0

Eli: I saw that coming. No, really, I did.

[SCENE – Feeny’s cottage in the Poconos. Feeny, Shawn, and Cory have finished eating dinner. Feeny stands and carries his dishes to the sink. Shawn takes a spoon, breathes on it, hangs it from his nose, then taps Cory’s arm]

Shawn: Time me, Cor.

Cory: Uh, Mr. Feeny, can I borrow your watch?

Feeny: No. (Touches watch protectively) What is he doing, anyway? (Takes other dishes from the table and sets them near the sink)

Cory: He’s trying to b*at his previous record. Seven and a half hours.

Feeny: Mr. Hunter, have you ever considered what seven and a half hours of schoolwork would do for your history grades? (Removes watch and places it on a rag over the sink)

Shawn: (While balancing the spoon) Mr. Feeny, the spoon trick brings pleasure to others. (The spoon falls, Shawn looks down sadly)

Feeny: Do you enjoy doing that?

Shawn: (Shrugs) Yeah, why? What do you do up here for fun?

Feeny: I read books. Care to join me?

Shawn: Oh, right. And if you jumped off a bridge, I’m supposed to do that, too?

Feeny: (Takes a spoon, hands it to Shawn) (Sarcastically) Here, go for the gold. (Walks to a chair, away from Cory and Shawn)

Shawn: (Quietly, to Cory) Man, what is his problem?

Cory: (Quietly) Shawn, I think it’s your problem.

Shawn: What are you talking about? He’s the one that hates me.

Cory: (Quietly) No, he doesn’t, alright? Feeny’s not a bad guy. I mean, you know the British. A little stiff, but once you get beneath the surface…

Shawn: (Finishing Cory’s sentence) There’s still more Feeny. Cory, a guy like him is never gonna understand a guy like me. We are complete opposites.

Cory: You should give him a chance.

Shawn: Okay. I’ll give him a chance. (Stands, walks over to Feeny, who’s sitting and reading. Cory follows) (To Feeny) Mr. Feeny. (Feeny looks up) Why do you hate me so much?

Feeny: I beg your pardon?

Shawn: (Sits on couch) I wanna know why you hate me so much.

Feeny: (After a long, thoughtful pause, he closes his book) Is that what you think?

Shawn: Yeah, I mean, you’re always getting on my case.

Feeny: Well, if by that you mean I’m always trying to get the best out of you, then yes, I’m always on your case. But… (Pause) I certainly don’t hate you.

Cory: You see, Shawn?

Feeny: It frustrates me to see such a charismatic young man with so much unfulfilled potential.

Shawn: Yeah, I got ya. So I’m just another one of your hopeless students.

Feeny: And I suppose I’m just another stodgy old principal.

Shawn: The stodgiest.

Feeny: What do you know about me, Mr. Hunter? (Shawn leans back to think, clearly knowing nothing. Feeny chuckles in triumph)

Shawn: Oh, like you know anything about me.

Feeny: Well, let’s see. Shawn Patrick Hunter. Son of Chet and Virna, born in Ohia, lived in Oklahoma. In and out of five schools before he was twelve.

Shawn: You memorized my transcript.

Feeny: Oh, and you love a musical group named Counting Crows.

Shawn: That’s not in my transcript.

Cory: Do you know that much about all your students?

Feeny: No, I don’t. (Pause) Well… (Stands) Maybe you could give me a hand with these dishes?

Shawn: (With Cory, stands) Well, if you know everything about me you must know I hate doing dishes.

Feeny: Ho ho, good try. (Laughs) Come on. (Shawn takes two cups from the table)

Cory: So, Mr. Feeny. Tell us something about you. (Takes a spoon and cup from the table)

Feeny: Well, those closest to me would say that I also dislike doing dishes. So gentlemen, I give you the sink. (Steps back and Cory and Shawn step forward to begin the chore. Cory grabs at the rag that Feeny’s watch was resting on, knocking it into the water-filled sink) Oh, look out! My watch!

Cory: Oh, no problem, Mr. Feeny. (Rolls up sleeve, reaches into the sink) Got it! Got it. (Pulls it out, but it is the sink stopper and not the watch. The sink drains, Feeny looks floored) (Shrugs, meekly, to Feeny) Had it. (Feeny leans over and peers into the sink, but it is empty and the watch is gone. Frustrated, Feeny hits the sink’s edge and rubs his chin) Um… Sorry.

Feeny: (Clearly upset, but hiding it) Well… (Long pause) Well, it’s nothing but a thirty-year-old watch. (Rubs wrist) About time I got another one, I suppose. (Exits upstairs as Cory and Shawn exchange concerned looks)

[SCENE – Feeny’s cottage in the Poconos. It is night, the room is dimly lit, and Cory and Shawn try to sleep I the living room. Cory lays on the couch, while Shawn sits on the easy chair, reading a book]

Cory: What are you doing?

Shawn: I’m reading.

Cory: No, really. (Sits up)

Shawn: This book Feeny was looking at. It’s some kind of diary.

Cory: Shawn, you’re reading Feeny’s diary? Are you crazy? Are you nuts? (Stands, walks over) Are we in it? (Sits on coffee table near Shawn)

Shawn: He just knew so much about me, I wanted to find out some stuff about him. Do you know he used to come up here with his wife?

Cory: Yeah, I knew that.

Shawn: Man, I didn’t even know he was married. Listen to this… (Reading) “December 18, 1961. I called in sick so Lillian and I can sneak up here for a three-day weekend.”

Cory: Hah! Feeny cut class.

Shawn: (Reading) “I suppose my students will miss me, but every now and then you have to break the rules.”

Cory: Sounds like you, Shawn.

Shawn: It’s more like me than you think. December 19, the next day. (Reading) “Lillian and I never made it out to the slopes. No regrets.” Feeny, you dog!

Cory: (Takes the diary) Let’s see here… (Reading) “February 14, 1965. Lillian and my fifth anniversary. (Short laugh) Still no sign of the slopes. In the evening we exchanged gifts. As I lifted the wristwatch out of its box, the glass on the watch face caught Lillian’s reflection. A smile that lit the night sky.” (Looks up to Shawn)

Shawn: His wristwatch…

Cory: (Continues reading) “That watch will keep time but for a moment in time. But her smile will reflect in its face forever.”

[SCENE – Feeny’s cottage in the Poconos. It is the next morning, and just as Feeny comes downstairs carrying a box, Cory enters hurriedly and quite dirty.]

Cory: (Running to the sink) Morning, Mr. Feeny. Everything’s fine, I just need a flashlight, (Grabs one from the sink ledge) a rope, and maybe a wetsuit.

Feeny: Wetsuit?

Shawn: (Calling from outside) Cory!

Cory: Can’t talk now, Shawn’s in over his head. (Runs towards the door, but stops when Shawn pops out in front of him, also a wet mess)

Shawn: (Hurriedly) Hey, Mr. Feeny. (Shuts door)

Feeny: (Sees the state of Shawn/Cory) Oh my God… You’re dripping on the rug! And you reek!

Shawn: Sorry, but your septic t*nk’s a lot deeper than it looks.

Feeny: (Angrily) Alright, that does it. I’ve tried to be patient, but this nonsense has gone far enough. (Sets down the box)

Cory: Look, Mr. Feeny, before you get mad…

Feeny: (Interrupting) I’m already mad. Now, I don’t want to hear a word out of the two of you until we get back into the city.

Shawn: (Steps forward, meekly) Mr. Feeny… (Holds out Feeny’s watch)

Feeny: My watch? (Takes it)

Cory: Hope it still works.

Feeny: (Long pause while he takes a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes off his watch) Never thought I’d see this again.

Shawn: We, uh… We figured it meant a lot to you. Being your anniversary watch and all.

Feeny: (Puts on his watch) You read a book, Mr. Hunter?

Shawn: Guess I did.

Feeny: Well, good for you. I want to thank you both. Well, now, before we get into the car, why don’t you two take a dip into the lake and get cleaned up, hm?

Cory: (Smiles) But it’s like twenty degrees out there.

Shawn: We’ll freeze.

Feeny: (Shrugs) Take a sweater.

(Cory and Shawn smile, then exit. Feeny steps back and looks around the cottage)

[SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Shawn and Cory are getting lectured by Turner, whoe leans on the counter, and Alan and Amy, who sit at the table, about their escapade. Feeny is there as well.]

Alan: What the heck were you two thinking?

Amy: You lied, you trespassed, and you endangered yourselves.

Alan: You’re in it a lot deeper than you were in that septic t*nk.

Amy: (Stands) George, I am very sorry.

Turner: Yeah, but believe me, the punishment will fit the crime.

Feeny: Well, fine, but bear in mind, their behavior was wrong, but their spirit is right. (Looks at Cory and Shawn) They’re two good guys. (To Cory and Shawn) Pulling for you. (Exits)

Cory: Oh, uh, Mr. Feeny! (With Shawn, follows Feeny out) Your key. (Holds it up) Thought you might need it when you sell the place. (Feeny takes it)

Feeny: If it sell it.

Shawn: Oh, and this is yours, too. (Takes a spoon from his pocket and hands it to Feeny)

Alan: (From inside) Guys, we’re not finished with you, yet.

Feeny: Gentlemen, a word of advice. Don’t talk. Nod a lot. (Cory and Shawn nod, then exit into the house) (Feeny breathes on the spoon, hangs it from his nose, waits a moment, shrugs, then removes it) I still don’t get it. (Goes to his house)

[TAG – Chubbie’s backroom. Eric is sleeping across some stools. Frankie is leaning on his cue, surveying the table drowsily. Joey, standing next to Frankie, flicks Eric’s head to wake him]

Eric: (Waking up) Ahh!

Joey: Hey!

Eric: Urgh! (Looks over, sees the table) What? Is it my sh*t?

Joey: Oh, come on, Matthews, it’s over. You guys have been playing for fifteen straight hours and you have yet to sink a ball.

Frankie: Besides, I gotta get to church. Choir practice. Alto, y’know?

Joey: (To Eric) He sings like an angel.

Eric: (Stands) Oh, oh, oh! Come on, I know what this is. You guys are chickening out now that I got you right where I want you.

Joey: Ah, come on, Matthews. You couldn’t hit the broadside of the barn if it came up to you and said, “Hey! I’m the broadside of a barn! Hit me!”

Frankie: (Walks off, singing scales) La la la la la la la… (Exits, Joey follows)

Eric: Alright, fine. Go, you half-milers. (Looks at table, and sees a sh*t. Steps back to align it. Bends over, and makes the sh*t, sinking every single ball on the table. Shakes head) Just like Mexico. (Drops pool cue, exits)