06x07 - Everybody Loves Stuart

[bunniefuu]

Opening Credits

[SCENE – Classroom. The new, cool teacher, Stuart, is giving a lecture to a class that contains Cory and Topanga with Shawn and Angela on the opposite side of the room. Right now, though, Topanga is talking]

Topanga: (To class) I believe a person is responsible for her own destiny and can be anything she wants. If she wants it bad enough and she never, ever gives up.

Stuart: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Topanga Lawrence! The next president of the United States. (Class applauds)

Topanga: Thank you.

Cory: Uh, everybody, that makes me the first lady. (Chuckles) See how secure I am in my sexuality? (Turns to kid next to him, in Elmer Fudd voice) Hewoh…

Stuart: Now, come on, Topanga. You really believe all the Little Mary Sunshine stuff?

Topanga: Yes, I do.

Stuart: So do I. To a point! Shawn!

Shawn: Stuart!

Stuart: Nice haircut!

Shawn: Thanks, eight bucks.

Stuart: Looks like it. Now Topanga just spouted a philosophical belief, what is it?

Shawn: Free will.

Stuart: (Acting surprised) Hey, he’s a big deal with the new hair!

Shawn: She’s in charge of her actions and therefore creates her own destiny.

Stuart: Good hair and good answer. You believe her?

Shawn: In my experience, you don’t bet against Topanga or you get your butt kicked. (Topanga gives the “OK” sign and nods, smiling)

Stuart: I don’t doubt it. (To Cory) Now how about it, Romeo? You buy what Juliet is saying?

Cory: Yeah, I do. I think you have to have at least some control over the things that happen to you.

Stuart: Really? Cory Matthews wakes up one morning. He kisses his lovely wife. He leaves his nice suburban home and then he gets hit by a bus.

Shawn: I’ll miss ya, buddy.

Cory: No, I don’t get hit by a bus.

Stuart: Why not?

Cory: Because I use the crosswalks, I memorize the bus schedules, and if I got a wife like Topanga, I ain’t leaving the house! (Laughs)

Stuart: Bus hits you anyway. Now, what’s that called?

Angela: Fate. It doesn’t matter if you stay in or go out, your life is predestined and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Cory: So you mean that bus is gonna drive right through my house to get to me?

Angela: Yes it is.

Shawn: I’ll miss ya, buddy.

Stuart: Alright, guys, we gotta get out of here. (Gets papers from podium, holds them up) Now, uh, I read your papers. And most of ‘em were bad. This isn’t high school, anymore, free up your minds! You’re smarter than these. (Puts papers on the podium and exits, the class begins to exit as well)

Cory: (Goes over to Shawn) Shawnie, Shawnie! This guy is awesome. I mean, I have been waiting, like, a thousand years for a teacher like this.

Shawn: Yeah, high school was amateur night. (Stands) He’s not like Feeny at all, he treats us like equals. Feeny was like a parent. This guy’s a friend.

[SCENE – Student Union. Angela is playing pool with Stuart with several other students, including Shawn, Cory, and Topanga, watching. Angela makes a sh*t, clearing the table of solids]

Angela: You’re a good teacher but a bad pool player. You owe me a coffee.

Stuart: Alright. (Takes Angela’s stick) Anybody else? (Puts sticks on table) It’s on me.

Cory: Coffee.

Shawn: Coffee.

Topanga: Coffee.

Stuart: Hey, guys, I only have two hands, here! Topanga, you wanna help me out?

Topanga: Sure. (She and Stuart walk towards the counter)

Stuart: Y’know, actually, I wanted to thank you.

Topanga: What did I do?

Stuart: You took my class. You challenge things. A teacher like a student who participates and shakes things up. Makes class more exciting.

Topanga: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Stuart: Keep it up. (To cashier) Five coffees. (To Topanga) “If we don’t challenge our leaders, we have no right to complain over how they lead.”

Topanga: That’s a quote from my paper.

Stuart: It was a good paper. You got a little lazy on the summary, but we’ll go over it, okay? (Coffees arrive, Stuart pays) How’s campus life?

Topanga: Well, you know, Angela and I are in McKay, so small rooms, lousy food.

Stuart: (Carrying the coffee) Welcome to college. (Feeny and DB approach) Good afternoon Dean Bolander.

DB: Stuart.

Stuart: George. (Stuart & Topanga go back to the pool table, Feeny and DB go to the counter)

DB: What’re you drinking, George?

Feeny: Oh, I’ll get it. New teacher on campus. (Retrieves wallet) I don’t know how professional it would be to accept a drink from your boss.

DB: What are you drinking, George?

Feeny: Double-blended, nonfat, no-whip frappachino. (Smiles uncomfortably)

DB: Not used to letting people do things for you, are you?

Feeny: Well, I usually take care of myself.

DB: Well, just relax. (Pats his shoulder)

Feeny: You’re right. (Exhales uneasily) Do you think I could have a biscotti, too?

DB: I’m not rich, Feeny.

[Cut to Eric, who is sitting on an easy chair with Jack and Cory on the nearby couch and Shawn in the adjacent chair]

Eric: (Looking at Stuart) I. Don’t. Like. Him.

Cory: You don’t know him, Eric, he’s a very cool guy.

Eric: I’m telling you something, Cory. I have a gift, okay? I know people. (Sees Rachel from behind) Hell-o! Wow! Look at that! How’d you like to come home to that every day?

Jack: We do come home to that. It’s Rachel. You unbelievable, incredible buffoon.

Rachel: (Walks over) Oh, hey guys!

Eric: Oh, hey Rachel! No, anyway, I’m telling you, I have a feel for these things, okay? This guy is no Feeny. This guy couldn’t even clap Feeny’s erasers. (Sees Feeny) Feenay! Yo! Havin’ coffee with the dean, woooo Feenay! (Feeny looks embarrassed)

Shawn: You know, Eric, sooner or later you’re gonna have to cut this cord from Feeny and see what else is out there.

Eric: I’m telling you, if there’s one thing I know, it’s people, okay? I’ve lived among them. I’m telling you, it’s like a fifth sense.

Jack: You mean sixth sense.

Eric: No, dude, that’s smell. You gotta be lucky to get that. Anyway, this Stanley guy…

Jack: (Interrupting quickly) Stuart!

Eric: Stuart guy, I’m telling you, he’s bad news. You trust me. (They all look over their shoulders at Stuart, who is now playing pool with Topanga)

[SCENE – Angela and Topanga’s dorm. They’re studying when there is a knock at the already half-open door and Stuart pokes his head in]

Stuart: (Holding a red folder) Hey.

Angela: Hi!

Topanga: Oh, hey Stuart.

Stuart: (Steps in, then sees a student walk by and sh*ts after him) Hansen! You owe me a paper! I don’t believe in grades, but I’ll flunk your butt! (Walks in) Hey, I was in the neighborhood and, uh, we talked about going over the paper, so… okay?

Topanga: Great, sure, thanks.

Stuart: Alright. (To Angela) Angela, I don’t have your paper, but we can discuss what I remember.

Angela: Oh, no, that’s cool.

Topanga: We were actually on our way to the Student Union. (To Angela) Why don’t you go down there and I’ll meet you down there later?

Angela: Okay. (Gets up from bed) (Jokingly) You two leave the door open.

Topanga: Oh, get out of here! (Angela exits)

Stuart: (Sees a picture) Is that your mom? (Picks it up & looks at it)

Topanga: Yeah, that was takes at Matha’s Vineyard.

Stuart: She’s real pretty.

Topanga: Thank you.

Stuart: (Gestures to bed) Sit down. (She does so, Stuart sits on the desk chair) Topanga, this paper was too good to fizzle out on the conclusion. You’re too smart for that! Here, look. (Begins reading) “It is possible to cross the line morally, and yet not cross the line actually.” Now, that’s vague. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Topanga: Why? I mean, the paper was on morality and ethics, and I was just saying that there are definite gray areas.

Stuart: (Stands) Yeah, I know what the paper’s about, because, you see I assigned it. I just want you to be more specific. (Sits) The devil’s in the details. (Topanga nods) I’m sitting here with you, for example, right?

Topanga: Yeah.

Stuart: I’m your teacher. And I find you attractive. But we’re talking about the assignment. Now, have a crossed a line?

Topanga: I don’t think so, no.

Stuart: I’m your teacher and I think you’re attractive. And now we’re not talking about the paper. Have we crossed a line?

Topanga: (Confused) What?

Stuart: (Takes Topanga’s hand) Okay, what if I said to you that I think about you. And I’d like to see you more than on Tuesdays and Thursdays. (Holds up their hands, leans in) See where it gets gray? (Let’s go of her hand, gestures towards the photo and steps to it) When did you go to the vineyard?

Topanga: (Uncomfortably) Two summers ago.

Stuart: Beautiful, isn’t it? (Long pause) Okay, one more. We’re adults. And, uh, (Sits next to Topanga) I’m telling you that I’d like to get to know you better. (Strokes her hair) And that’s what I’m gonna do.

Topanga: Stuart, you’re making me uncomfortable. I want you to leave.

Stuart: (Stops stroking her hair) That’s not what you want.

Topanga: What?

(Cory enters, and knocks briefly on the door as he does)

Cory: Hey! You know, if I wasn’t such a trusting boyfriend, this would look bad. How come you don’t make house calls on me, Stuart?

Stuart: (Stands) ‘Cause I’m talking to the brains of the family. Hey, I’m gonna leave you two alone. Uh, Topanga, we’ll finish this later. (Exits)

Cory: Boy, you gotta love that. I mean, Feeny wouldn’t be caught dead in a dorm room. (Sits on opposite bed) Shawn’s right about this guy, he is in a whole other league.

Topanga: (Stunned) I didn’t like him being here. I didn’t like it at all.

Cory: What’s wrong? You okay?

[SCENE – Student Union. Rachel, Shawn, Angela, Jack, Eric, Cory, and Topanga all sit on or around the couch talking]

Rachel: So you take your middle name and you put it with the street that you live on.

Jack: And that’s your soap opera name?

Rachel: Yeah. Like mine is Kimberly Beaumont.

Eric: Jonathan Cumberland.

Jack: Eric, you’re middle name is Randall.

Eric: Tony Randall! The Odd Couple!

Jack: Don’t you listen to the rules?

Eric: (Like Jeopardy) Who is Tony Randall?!

Jack: Right, you win!

Eric: Hah! (To Angela) I always win.

(Stuart enters)

Cory: (Jogs over to Stuart) Stuart! Stuart!

Stuart: Hey, Romeo.

Cory: Listen, can I talk to you on the patio for a second? (The two of them walk outside)

Stuart: Cory, your paper was pedestrian. This isn’t high school anymore, you gotta take chances.

Cory: We’re not talking about the paper.

Stuart: Yeah?

Cory: Yeah, uh, Topanga’s real uncomfortable about your dorm visit.

Stuart: Why?

Cory: She thought you were hitting on her.

Stuart: What if I was?

Cory: “What if I was?”?

[Cut to inside the Student Union, the group is still talking, except Topanga is staring out the window at Cory & Stuart]

Shawn: My soap opera name is Patrick Trailer Park. (Everyone except Topanga laughs)

Angela: Well, mine is Shinana Martin Luther King Boulevard. (Odd silence) Gosh I gotta get some black friends.

Rachel: So, Topanga, what’s your middle name? (From this sh*t, we see Cory & Stuart begin to argue outside)

Topanga: (Distracted) I don’t wanna play.

Jack: Why not?

Topanga: I have a weird middle name.

Jack: Your first name’s Topanga. What could your middle name be, Schmuboogie?

(Through the previous line, we see Cory & Stuart arguing until Stuart flies through the doors after being punched by Cory. Suddenly, everyone is silent and staring. Cory himself looks like he doesn’t believe it)

Stuart: (Stands) Congratulations. You just got yourself kicked out of college. (Exits)

[SCENE – Cory & Shawn’s Cory. Cory is pacing while Shawn, Angela, and Topanga sit nearby]

Shawn: How could you do this to Stuart?

Cory: Shawn, I don’t know! Okay, I’ve never hit anybody before.

Shawn: Most of the time when you spin out of control, it’s funny, but this time I think you went too far. Y’know, you could get in trouble for this, Cor.

(Enter Amy & Alan)

Alan: Hey. No matter what happened, we’re behind you. No matter what happened.

Cory: The first time in my life I hit somebody, and it’s a teacher.

Amy: Oh!

Alan: You idiot! I thought you hit a student.

Amy: Oh, what on Earth could’ve possessed you to do this, Cory? You hit a teacher?

Alan: What did he say? Did he thr*aten you?

Cory: No.

Alan: Did he hit you?

Cory: No.

Alan: What did he do?

Cory: He made a move on Topanga.

Alan: In the class?

Cory: No, in her dorm room. (Alan turns to Amy, mouth agape)

(Enter Eric)

Eric: Okay, I saw the whole thing. I can testify in court. That teacher hit, I repeat, hit young Cory Matthews.

Cory: I hit him, Eric.

Eric: (Happily) Yeah, I know, I saw it, man. That dude sailed! (Goes in for a high five) Look, mom, dad, you know about my fifth sense, right?

Amy: You’ve told us about it, yes.

Eric: Well I’m telling you something, it’s working overtime right now. I can feel it in my veins, y’know? This guy’s bad.

(Enter Feeny)

Feeny: (Pacing) You can’t talk to that woman. She’s the dean of the university and you can’t reason with her! “This is a university, the university has rules,” (calling down hallway) Well I have rules too, missy!

Cory: You know what? This guy knows what he did. Okay, and he deserves what he got. This is all gonna go away.

Feeny: The dean has scheduled a hearing. There’s a possibility that Cory could get kicked out of school.

[SCENE – Student Union. Stuart is grading papers at one of the tables. Eric enters with Jack & Rachel, sees Stuart, and stops]

Eric: Come with me. Come with me now. Do it, do it, do it. (Moves sneakily around the pool table)

Jack: Why?! Why are you my friend? Why can’t I have better friends?

Rachel: Eric, what’re you doing?

Eric: Alright, you see that guy over there? Don’t look, don’t look… That’s the guy that hit young Cory Matthews. Now, I have a plan. You have to listen carefully ‘cause it’s extremely complicated. I want you to go over there and flaunt yourself.

Jack: I’m not gonna do that, Eric.

Eric: Alright, well, Rachel you go.

Rachel: What?!

Eric: You know! Just tease him! Trap him! Do what women do, it’s engrained. You know, it’s the… (Mimics walking daintily what giggling seductively) (In girlish voice) Oh, gee… I’m a pretty girl…

Rachel: Eric, I’m not gonna go over there and flaunt myself!

Eric: You will flaunt! Rachel, listen to me. (Puts his arm on her shoulders) If there was ever a problem in your family there’s nothing I would not do to help them. I would go to prison for you family. Do you know what? (Rachel shakes her head) Because I feel like I am part of your family. Except when I dream about you and you’re in that little pink robe and you start doing that thing…

Rachel: (Interrupting) Fine!

Eric: Alright, now here. Practice on Jack. (Pulls him in front of her)

Rachel & Jack: Oohh!!

Rachel: Oh, Eric…

Jack: Oughhh!!

Eric: Practice!

Rachel: M’kay. (To Jack) Hi, Stuart. How are you doing? I hear you’re a really good teacher.

Eric: (Snort-laughs) I’m more woman than that.

Rachel: Shut up! (Pushes Eric) (Walks over to Stuart’s table and sits, messing up some papers) I’m sorry… (Fixes papers)

(Jack and Eric look on, while Stuart leans in and says something quietly to Rachel. Afterwards, Rachel stands angrily)

Rachel: What’d you say? Wait a second, what am I? To tall for you? Is it the fiery red hair? Is a little boy afraid of a commitment? Well, you know what? I will not allow you to reject me! I am gonna reject you! You will not hurt me! (Exits proudly)

(Enter Topanga)

Eric: Jack, if there was every anyone in your family…

Jack: (Interrupting) I’m not flirting with a guy, okay? I don’t care if they give your brother the chair.

[Cut to Stuart’s table, where Topanga has walked over]

Topanga: You did cross the line. You used a position of power unethically and Cory protected me the only way he knew how. Now it’s my turn for me to do the same thing for him. You leave Cory alone, you make this go away, or I’ll tell the dean that you came onto me.

Stuart: You came onto me.

Topanga: (Aghast) What?

Stuart: (Stands) See you at the hearing. (Exits)

[SCENE – The hearing. People are milling about, including, more or less, the whole cast. Stuart sits on one side of the room. Cory sits on the opposite side with Topanga and Feeny at either side and his parents, Shawn, Rachel, Angela, and Morgan behind him. Jack stands against the back wall with come extras. The dean decides it’s time to start, and calls attention to the room]

DB: Alright, first of all, this is not a trial. So let’s not make a big courtroom drama out of it.

(Cue courtroom drama music as the doors fly open and Eric, wearing a spiffy suit and carrying a briefcase walks in. Eric stops upon entering, looks around, then continues in. He places the briefcase on the table and opens it. He pulls out a tape player and stops it, the music stops simultaneously)

Eric: Your honor, Jonathan Cumberland for the defense.

Jack: Unbelievable.

Feeny: Mr. Matthews, leave.

Eric: Mr. Feeny, we’re partners, man. (Walks to his side) You know… Feeny and Cumberland, Cumberland and Feeny, Feeny and Feeny and Feeny and Eric, but mostly Feeny because I love my brother and I wanna help.

Cory: Thanks, Eric.

Eric: (Quietly) Listen, Feeny, I know you got a thing going with the dean, alright, so if it looks like we’re gonna lose just, uh, play the love card.

Feeny: Will you shut up?

DB: (To herself) Unbelievable… Alright, Stuart, what happened?

Stuart: I was in the Student Union, when Cory asked me to step outside. I thought it was to talk about a bad grade I have him on a paper which I called “pedestrian”. He then accused me of making a move on Topanga Lawrence and then he hit me.

Feeny: What were you doing in Topanga Lawrence’s room?

Stuart: I was going over her paper.

Feeny: In her room? That sounds odd to me.

Stuart: My students and I have a relationship outside of the classroom which allows us to connect better inside the classroom. Ask any of them. Shawn, do you have any problems with my teaching methods?

Shawn: No.

Stuart: In fact, didn’t you just tell me that I was the best teacher you ever had?

Shawn: (Swallows hard, shakes his head) Yeah, yeah I did.

Stuart: Why do you think that?

Shawn: I don’t think it really matters what I think.

DB: I’d really be interested to hear your answer.

Shawn: (Clears throat) You treat us like equals. Like adults. I guess a lot of teachers, y’know, you feel like they treat you like a kid.

Stuart: Like Mr. Feeny for example.

Shawn: Mr. Feeny’s a really good teacher.

Stuart: Yeah, but he treats you like a kid.

Shawn: Okay, you made your point, Stuart. Y’know, we’ve had Mr. Feeny in grade school and then in high school, too, so maybe he feels like he has to protect us, I don’t know. I’m sorry, Mr. Feeny.

Feeny: Don’t worry about it, Shawn. (To Stuart) How did you know what dormitory Topanga was in?

Stuart: She told me. She told me she lived in the McKay dorms. She offered it to me nonprofit. Isn’t that right, Topanga?

Topanga: Yes, that’s true, but that wasn’t the…

Stuart: (Interrupting) Thank you.

Feeny: Did you really think it was proper? (Stands, paces behind Topanga’s chair) I mean, I’m talking about simple human propriety. To be in a young female student’s bedroom?

Stuart: A dorm room. Also serves as a living room. Or a TV room. Or a study. It was not a bedroom when I was in there.

Feeny: (Leaning on Topanga’s chair from behind) Stuart! (Paces towards Stuart) Do you believe as a college professor that it’s okay to be alone in a dorm room with a young female student?! (Leans in imposingly)

Stuart: (Shrugs) The door was open. I even asked her roommate to stay. In fact, it was Topanga who shooed Angela away, isn’t the right, Topanga?

Topanga: She was on her way to the Student Union, I didn’t feel that…

Stuart: (Interrupting) Thank you. (To Feeny) Any more questions, George?

Feeny: Just one. Is it okay if I rip off your head and roll it down the hallway? (Paces back towards his seat)

Stuart: George, you and I both know that a teacher is only as effective as the respect he is given. (Stands & points imposingly) And Cory’s show of disrespect undermines me and this university!

Topanga: And your show of disrespect undermines me!

DB: Miss Lawrence!

Topanga: (To Stuart) You know what you did.

Stuart: I didn’t do anything.

Cory: (To Dean Bolander) He made a move on Topanga. On my fiancé. He used his power and authority to take advantage of her. And he told me that there was nothing I could do and that he was never gonna stop. So I did something. I mean, I realize, dean, that this wasn’t the smartest thing in the world to do, but it was all I could come up with at the time.

DB: Striking a member of this faculty is inexcusable. No matter what the provocation.

Shawn: (Sits forward, holds up hand) Can I say something real quick?

DB: Yes?

Shawn: Cory, it’s okay with me that you hit him.

Cory: Thanks, Shawn. (To Dean Bolander) It’s okay with Shawn.

DB: Well it’s not okay with me. According to the bylaws of this university, I am bound to expel or suspend any student for striking an educator for any reason whatsoever.

Feeny: (Stands) Dean, I beg you to reconsider this.

DB: George, sit down. You can’t protect them anymore. (Feeny sits solemnly) Cory Matthews, I hereby suspend you from this university for a period of… one day.

Stuart: One day?

DB: (To Cory) You are, however, under probation for the remainder of this term. And I will not take kindly to your solving any more problems with anything but words.

Cory: No, you don’t have to worry about it, dean. Thank you.

Stuart: Dean, he hit a teacher.

DB: (Sternly) A teacher must be someone a student can trust. The second the teacher uses pressure on a student for any reason whatsoever other than academic, that trust is destroyed.

Stuart: Well, there must be some sort of misunderstanding, because as a teacher, I…

DB: (Interrupting) Stuart, (points to Feeny) this is a teacher, Stuart. I’m not sure what you are, but you can be certain I’m going to find out. This hearing is adjourned, everybody go home. (People begin to leave, including Stuart, Dean Bolander, Jack, Eric, and Rachel.)

Amy: (Approached Topanga) I’m so sorry you had to go through all this.

Alan: (Rubbing Feeny’s shoulder appreciatively) Thanks for sticking by us, George. (To Cory) You alright, buddy?

Cory: Yeah.

Amy: (Walks by Cory) Bye-bye.

Cory: Bye.

(Amy, Alan, and Morgan exit)

Shawn: (To Feeny) I don’t know how I could’ve compared him to you.

Feeny: (Laughs dismissively) Oh…

Cory: I guess, uh, college is a lot different than high school, huh?

Feeny: I’m afraid so, Cory. I’m also afraid that the dean is right. I’ve tried to protect you for too long in the shelters of high school. This is a major university. And this is life. And these things happen. And you’re not children anymore. (Exits, leaving Cory, Topanga, Angela, and Shawn alone together)

Cory: Hm, we’re not children anymore.

Topanga: When did that happen?

Angela: I don’t know. Today, I think.

Shawn: You guys, like, wanna get ice cream or something? (Shrugs)

(Topanga nods with a smile)

Cory: Yeah. (The four of them exit)