07x12 - Family Trees

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[SCENE – Matthews’ Living room. Cory, Topanga, Amy, and Morgan are sitting on the couch and a chair.]

Topanga: He really takes this seriously.

Cory: He’s a birthday freak.

Morgan: I can’t take this pressure every year! I’m going to be in therapy, aren’t I?

Amy: We’ll get a group rate, honey.

Eric: (Enters from upstairs) Not gonna happen! This year you have wisely chosen Eric Matthews as the Alan Matthews birthday party planner. Bravo to you.

Amy: And you are the right man for the job, sweetie.

Eric: Yes I am. Yes I am. Now listen. (To group) Here’s the key as I see it. Dad was a Navy man. Which means he’ll use any means, even t*rture, to find out about this party.

Cory: Dad was a cook in the coast guard.

Eric: Daddy was a navy SEAL! (Starts choking Cory violently) DON”T YOU EVER…

Alan: (Enters through front door) Hi! (Eric freezes)

Topanga: Hello.

Amy: Hi.

Eric: (Lets go of Cory) Tell them nothing. (Runs upstairs)

Alan: (Takes off coat) Three more days. I’m going to be so happy in three more days. Anybody know why? Huh? Mooorrrrrrgan?

Morgan: I’m not playing. (Exits)

Alan: What a baby! Forty-six. The big four six. What do you get a forty-six year old, huh? Anyone? Anyone?

Amy: Oh, Alan, leave us the hell alone. (Gets up) (Enter Shawn and Angela)

Shawn: Hey!

Angela: Hey.

Cory: Shawnie! Angela!

Topanga: Hey, you. What’s up, Ange.

Angela: (To Shawn) Tell them.

Shawn: There’s nothing to tell.

Cory: Tell us what?

Shawn: Nothing. I just got a letter from my mom. From Virna.

Cory: Have you opened it?

Shawn: No.

Cory: Tear it up.

Shawn: Cory, I haven’t heard from her in three years.

Cory: Just tear it up.

Alan: Hey, Shawn! (Fonzie point)

Shawn: Hey, Mr. Matthews! Happy birthday in three day, right? Forty-six?

Alan: (Hugs Shawn) This is what I’m talking about, people! This is a good boy!

Cory: Shawn? Look, everything’s going great for you, okay? You’ve got friends. You’ve got a beautiful, honest, sweet, loving woman that loves you.

Angela: Well, thanks, Cor…

Cory: (To Angela) Shut up! (To Shawn) You’ve made peace with your father’s death. You’ve made peace with your loony mother. Okay, there’s no good in that letter.

Amy: Cory, maybe Shawn needs to take a look at that letter for reasons you can’t see right now.

Cory: Gee, mom. Y’know I’m looking around the room here trying to see if anyone asked your opinion, and I don’t see anyone. Is anyone…? No? (Amy smacks his cheek gently three times) (To Shawn) Look, you want an opinion, you ask Topanga, okay? Ask her, go ahead. Topanga! Tell him!

Topanga: Cory, honey, I think you should let Shawn do what he wants.

Cory: Heh, heh, heh… Heh, heh, heh… Excuse me (To Topanga) Don’t you ever snap like that at me in public again. (Topanga hits him in the face with a clipboard)

Shawn: (Reading letter) It says my mom is somewhere in Honduras…

Cory: Oh no. He opened it.

Shawn: (Still reading) And she’s never coming back. That’s nothing new. She heard that dad d*ed and now I have the right to know something.

Cory: Shawn, put the letter back in the envelope!

Amy: Wait a minute, maybe it’s good news!

Cory: Trust me, it’s not. (Snatches letter from Shawn, who’s frozen)

Alan: Shawn?

Shawn: She’s not my real mother.

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. There are diagrams of Shawn’s family hanging from the cabinets. Shawn, Jack, and Angela are on a computer. Cory and Topanga are on the couch.]

Shawn: I gotta find my mom, Jack. She’s the only family…

Jack: …you have left? You wanna say that again? Let’s go on a search for your brother. Oh, wait a minute, you don’t have to, he’s here.

Shawn: You’re my half brother.

Jack: Then how about the other half beats the crap out of you?

Eric: (Enters from bedroom) Okay, listen up people. Here’s the plan as I see it. (Stretches out pointer. Removes cover from display next to couch. On the display there is a diagram. A picture of Morgan + Skull & Crossbones = Green Morgan. Below that, There an arrow pointed from an emergency room door to balloons and confetti) We give Morgan (Points to regular Morgan), who will be out our decoy, some kind of poison (Points to skull) that’ll make her ill (Points to green Morgan). Dad’ll have to take her to the hospital, and when he’s in the emergency room (Points to emergency room door), that’s when the party begins (Points to balloons & confetti).

Topanga: Just let me make sure I understand this. You are willing to poison your sister to surprise your father.

Eric: The problem is if Morgan goes south, I mean if she actually, well, croaks (flips display, revealing new poster. There are two pictures. The top one has a picture of Morgan with a skull for a face, and the bottom is of cadaver feet with a tag that reads “Morgan”), It’s gonna put a damper on the entire party. Which is why we get (Flips display again. Now it’s a picture of Eric in a cowboy outfit holding balloons and riding a pony. Everything but Eric’s face is a cartoon) horsey rides (Points to pony). Notice me, I’m Eric (points to his picture) on the horsey, let’s call him Pete (Points to pony). The two of us together (Circles picture) having fun, joy, merriment. (Cory raises hand. Eric points to him) Cory.

Cory: I wanna be over there (Gets up and walks away)

Topanga: Take me with you! (Grabs his arm and walks away with him)

Eric: Alright if any of you need me, I’ll be at the poison store. (Takes display and exits)

Shawn: (Everyone is crowded around the computer) Interesting family on dad’s side. His great grandfather and great uncle were born in Scotland.

Cory & Topanga: Ahh! Scottish!

Shawn: And what they were known for was, well, one day they slaughtered their entire village.

Cory & Topanga: Ahh! Slaughters!

Shawn: I come from thieves and pillagers. I come from bad people.

Angela: Well, hey, y’know we haven’t looked up your mom’s side.

Shawn: I’ve had three mothers.

Jack: (Reading computer) Yes, uh, Virna, Ming-wah, and Elaine.

Shawn: I think we can rule Ming-wah out.

Angela: Which leaves Elaine.

Jack: (Reading) Elaine McGinty, ah yes, last spotted in Boston.

Shawn: She’s probably sitting in a coffee house reading poetry right now. You think Elaine’s where I got my poetry thing, Cor?

Cory: No.

Shawn: Why not?

Cory: I just, I don’t want you to expect anything.

Jack Okay! (Hits four keys) (To Shawn) I’ve entered all the information so all you have to do is hit search and they’ll send you the results a few days later in the mail. You’re sure you want to do this, right?

Shawn: Oh, I sure.

Jack: Is that your final answer?

Shawn: Yeah. (Presses key)

[SCENE – Student café. Eric is preparing everybody for Alan’s surprise party. Cory, Angela, Topanga, and Jack are on the couch while Eric is going through his routine with Rachel]

Eric: (Holds her shoulders and slowly backs away) Okay. So when the firecrackers go off, Rachel runs inside the house and yells…? (Points to Rachel)

Rachel: (Deadpan) The Japanese are attacking. The Japanese are attacking.

Eric: (Waves hand) Wow. Okay, uh, see, I don’t believe you (Grabs her shoulders again)

Rachel: I don’t believe you!

Eric: Daddy will run outside because he’s a Navy seal!

Cory: Not!

Eric: (To Cory) Shut it! You, you. (Walks over to Cory) You gotta get your cakes. That’s the only job is to get the cakes. You got that squirt?

Cory: I like when you call me “squirt” (high fives Eric)

Shawn: (Enters with envelope) Alright, everybody! I hold in my hand the research results for one Elaine McGinty-Hunter. I have a mother, she’s in here. (Taps envelope)

Angela: Open it.

Cory: Yeah, open it because things are going great, everybody’s happy, we’re all getting along, and who wants that?

Shawn: What?

Cory: (faking) Yeah! Open it…

Shawn: (Opens envelope, reads paper inside) Huh, how about that? These Hunters are tricky people, it must be in our blood. If a Hunter doesn’t want to be found, she won’t be found.

Angela: Well, you know maybe we can just try again.

Shawn: No, no, because every trace we did, Jack, they came up empty.

Topanga: Maybe she got married again.

Angela: Maybe her name just changed.

Jack: Maybe she doesn’t want to be found.

Shawn: Yeah, maybe she doesn’t want to be found by me.

Angela: You’re overreacting.

Rachel: Shawn, are you going to be okay?

Shawn: (Stands up) No, yeah I’m fine. I knew this was a long sh*t. I’m just glad that I tried.

Topanga: (Stands) Shawn, you have a tendency to push your friends away when these things happen to you.

Angela: (Stands) Shawn, we’re happy now. Don’t you dare go and do something crazy to us.

Shawn: Angela, love, kiss. Forgeduboudit, okay? I’m leaving now. Not some big Shawn exit, I’ve just got stuff to do.

Cory: (Jokingly) Go on, get out of here, we’re tired of looking at your ugly face. (Waves him away) (To rest) Right everybody? (General agreement) (To Shawn) Listen, don’t forget about my dad’s party, okay?

Shawn: Wouldn’t miss it. (Exits)

Topanga: (After pause) Cory?

Cory: Yeah?

Topanga: What do you think he’s gonna do?

Cory: Probably something that’ll devastate himself as well as everyone around him.

Angela: (Sadly) The usual. (Topanga puts her arm around her waist)

[SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Alan is sitting on the couch. Eric sits next to him]

Eric: Hey, Daddio.

Alan: (Sad) Hi…

Eric: All sad?

Alan: (Sad) Yeah…

Eric: Cause it’s your birthday so you didn’t make any plans so you could be here and now you’re here but nobody’s doing anything.

Alan: (Sad) Yeah…

Eric: Yeah? Well you did make any plans for… (turns to face him) tomorrow night, did you?

Alan: Why?

Eric: Oh no. There’s no reason. No reason at all. No reason at all. I just don’t want to make plans for… tomorrow night.

Alan: Why? (Starts to tickle Eric)

Eric: (Laughing) Oh, no, I can’t.

Alan: Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

Eric: Okay! Okay! Okay! Big bash. Big bash. Big luau, okay? (Laughs weird)

Alan: Tomorrow night? But tomorrow night’s not my birthday tomorrow night’s just… tomorrow night!

Eric: I have a horsey coming.

Alan: Eric, you throw a birthday party on a person’s birthday!

Eric: Then you’re not going to be surprised! Hi! I think I know what I’m doing, alright dad? I planned this whole thing myself. (Puts feet up) (Pause) Y’know, so how much do you like Morgan?

Alan: So what are you doing here? Now?

Eric: You know, that’s funny, I don’t know. Mom told me to be here at exactly 7:30 for something, I don’t know…

(Suddenly, everybody jumps up and yells “Surprise!” Cory and Jack come from upstairs, Amy, Angela, and Morgan come from outside, Rachel and Topanga come from the kitchen)

Alan: Outstanding!

Eric: What’s the occasion?

Amy: (Hugging Alan) Eric we used you as a decoy. We knew you’d be stupid so we used it against you.

Eric: (Laughs hysterically) I was a decoy cause I’m so stupid! I am so stupid! But, you know something? That’s gonna make my party tomorrow a big surprise, right dad?

Alan: Riiiight…

Eric: (Laughing) yeah!

Shawn: (Enters from front door) Surprise.

Eric: (Whispering loud) It’s tomorrow night, you idiot!

Alan: Hey, Shawn.

Everyone: (Except Alan) Hi, Shawn.

Shawn: Happy birthday, Cory’s father.

Cory: Shawn, can I talk to you for a second? I just want to talk to you for one second.

Shawn: (Slurred, a little drunk) No. I don’t want to talk to you.

Cory: Yeah. Okay. (Walks away) Ooh, boy…

Angela: Shawn, baby, you alright?

Shawn: (Slurred, a little drunk) Yeah, I’m fine, baby. How are you? (Puts arms around her) It’s a pleasure to see you this evening. You look great.

Angela: Shawn…

Shawn: What, you’re disappointed? (To Jack) She’s disappointed…

Jack: Dude.

Shawn: (Mocking) Dude.

Jack: Shawn–

Shawn: (Mocking) Shawn. (Let’s go of Angela)

Jack: Aw, come on, man.

Shawn: (Mocking) Come one, man. Man. Buddy. Shawn. Hey, hey, look. Hey.

Jack: Hey. You’re not supposed to be drinking, alright? (Pats his shoulder)

Angela: Shawn, you know what, lets go sit together. (Puts arm around his waist and steers him away from Jack towards the door) Let’s go for a walk.

Shawn: You still love me, huh?

Angela: Yes…

Shawn: (Quietly) We don’t have any mommies.

Angela: I know.

Alan: Shawn. Why don’t you come into the kitchen with me for a minute.

Shawn: You gonna make me an omelette?

Alan: I want to have a talk with you. Now.

Shawn: You’re not my dad.

Alan: Yeah, well, I’m all you have right– (Puts hand on Shawn’s shoulder)

Shawn: (Knocks away Alan’s hand) (Serious) You’re not my dad. I don’t have a dad. And I don’t have a mom. I’m an orphan. I’m an old orphan. My childhood is over… (choking up) I never had any parents. (Pause) Oh, god! (Sits on coffee table, to self) Stop whining! I… I… I… Hate you…

Alan: I’ll be your father.

Shawn: You’ll be what?

Alan: I want you to be a member of this family.

Amy: Alan…?

Alan: We want you to be a member of this family.

Amy: Yeah, we do. You need a mom? I’m a really good mom. I got references.

Cory: Yeah, she’s good.

Eric: She’s the best I ever had.

Shawn: You want to adopt me?

Amy: Oh, Shawn. You’ve always been a part of this family.

Alan: How about we make it official? (Shawn stumbled out and bumps into Angela, who covers her ears and cries)

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Street Sidewalk. Shawn is walking and being followed by a Santa]

Shawn: (Stops, but doesn’t turn around) Well, it’s Cory to the rescue. Old faithful. Why don’t you go home to your wife and leave me alone? (Turns around) Sorry, Santa, I thought you were someone else.

Santa: It’s cold out, son. Go home.

Shawn: Wow, he really didn’t follow me, huh? A guy gets married and that’s the end of me. (Puts some money in Santa’s bucket. Santa walks away. Cory is behind him)

Cory: I’m here.

Shawn: I knew you would be.

Cory: So, where we going?

Shawn: I thought we’d go to the cemetery.

Cory: I thought we’d go for pie.

Shawn: Cemetery.

Cory: Boysenberry. (Shawn turns and walks away, Cory follows) Shawn, I don’t like cemeteries. There’s a high concentration of dead people. I haven’t even visited my Nana Booboo.

Shawn: Your Nana Booboo’s not dead.

Cory: Oh, so now you’re a doctor? (Grabs his arm, stops him) Shawn. Come here. Look. Come back to my house, okay? My family offered to adopt you tonight. Do you know how great that is? You’d actually be my brother.

Shawn: You are my brother, already.

Cory: So come back to my house! There’s life at my house, my family wants you there. What’s waiting for you at the cemetery?

Shawn: My family. Mine. (Walks away)

[SCENE – Cemetery. Shawn enters, walks over to a headstone and starts yelling at it]

Shawn: Hey! You having a good time in there with all your secrets? Like the fact that you’ve been married 62 and never bothered to tell me who my real mother was? What possible reason could a father have not to tell his boy who his mom is?

Chet: (From off screen) Maybe the father was trying to protect the boy. (Shawn looks up. Chet is standing under a tree) Hey. Thanks for planting those flowers there. (gestures towards headstone) You keep the place all nice and pretty for all my many visitors.

Shawn: Why didn’t you tell me who my mom was?

Chet: Your mother’s Virna.

Shawn: No. The woman who gave birth to me.

Chet: Oh, her. Ah, she took off. When you were born I said, “Honey! It’s a… Honey?” (chuckles) But don’t blame her, son. She wasn’t the mother type. She was more… how can I put this delicately… a stripper.

Shawn: My mom was a stripper?

Chet: The best.

Shawn: Did you love her?

Chet: I did. I did lover her. It wasn’t enough to hold her, thought.

Shawn: Neither was I, I guess. I wasn’t enough to hold her… Wasn’t enough to hold Virna…

Chet: No. You were adorable. You had that little butt that Virna loved to powder. Women did not find my butt adorable, however. They kicked it around pretty good during my life. Truth is you had a lousy mother. A lousy father. You come from a long line of lousy, boy.

Shawn: Yeah, I know.

Chet: You got dealt a bad hand, son. I’m sorry about it. (Sits in front of his headstone)

Shawn: (Sits next to Chet) You know the Matthews offered to adopt me.

Chet: (laughs) Whoa!

Shawn: I know.

Chet: That sounds like a sweet deal.

Shawn: What are you talking about?

Chet: It doesn’t get any better than the Matthews. You’d be trading way up on that one.

Shawn: Come on, you’re my father!

Chet: I’m dead! Look. Take it from your dead dad. Become a Matthews. Put it to bed.

Shawn: I always thought you were the black sheep of the family.

Chet: I was.

Shawn: No you weren’t. You stayed. You raised me.

Chet: I came and went. I tried…

Shawn: You did a good job with me, dad. People like me. I even have friends. Even have someone who loves me.

Chet: Hold onto her.

Shawn: I will. Just like I’m holding onto you.

Chet: (Gets up) Why would you want to do that?

Shawn: (Gets up) Because I’m proud of you. You’re the one who started to turn this family around.

Chet: You’re proud of me?

Shawn: I couldn’t be prouder. (Chet laughs quietly) I tried to tell you at the hospital.

Chet: I couldn’t really hear you, y’know. I was going (grabs heart) Aaaahh! Oohhhh! Ooohhh! (Looks at Shawn) I can hear you now.

Shawn: Thank you for being my father.

Chet: You love me, huh?

Shawn: Ain’t that a kick.

Chet: Well… (Touches Shawn’s cheek) Maybe I can finally get a little sleep. (Walks away, disappears)

Cory: (Enters) Shawn? You do what you needed to do?

Shawn: Yeah, I did.

Cory: (Walks over to Headstone) Hi, Mr. Hunter. How you doing? You know, me and Topanga got married. I wish you could have been there. (Pause) Shawn’s gonna be okay. (Pause) I hope you’re happy.

Shawn: He is, Cor. Thanks. (They exits, arms on each other’s shoulders)

[SCENE – Matthew’s Living room. It is still Alan’s party, but Shawn and Cory have returned.]

Shawn: I’m sorry, but I can’t be a Matthews.

Alan: I understand. The invitation is always on the table.

Shawn: Thank you. But, uh, I have a feeling there’s too much repair work I gotta do for the Hunter clan. (Puts arm on Jack’s shoulder)

Jack: Yeah.

Cory: You know, Shawnie, if you ever change your mind you know you have family here.

Shawn: I know. (To Alan) I am so sorry I ruined your party. (Holds out gift wrapped in newspaper) Happy birthday.

Alan: Ooohh… (Opens it. It’s kid’s hand prints in a ceramic circle)

Eric: (To Cory) (Snickers) That is such a stupid gift. Watch how mad dad gets.

Alan: (Reading the gift) To my dad. I’ll keep this for the rest of my life.

Eric: (Walks over) Actually, that’s from both of us, there, dad. (Holds hand over one of the prints)

Shawn: There is one thing you can do for me, though.

Alan: Name it.

Shawn: Yell at me like you yell at Cory and Eric.

Alan: Is that what you want?

Shawn: That’s what I want, really give it to me. Not afraid. (Sits in chair)

Amy: Uh-oh.

Eric: Give it to him.

Alan: Not afraid, huh? Maybe you should be a little afraid because I’m (tone change, jokingly angry) (Bends down, in Shawn’s ear) a Navy damn seal! (Stands up straight)

Eric: (Pointing) That’s where I got that from he used to yell at me all the time!

Alan: You want another beer Shawn? (squats, at eye level with Shawn) Why don’t you get one in the fridge? (Points to kitchen) So maybe you can lose an arm.

Cory: Oooo.

Alan: (To Shawn) How am I doing?

Shawn: Great. You’re doing great.

Alan: Don’t do these things anymore. It scares your friends.

Angela: I know it scares me.

Alan: And they love you.

Angela: Yeah. I do (hugs Shawn from behind)

Shawn: Never leave.

Angela: I won’t.

Alan: Someday… You may want to buy a house and you’re gonna come to me.

Cory: (To Topanga) I think this is about us.

Topanga: It’s a nice touch.

Alan: Well, I got news for you. Get a job.

Shawn: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Alan: You’re welcome.