Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

[bunniefuu]

(THE BALLAD OF DAVY CROCKETT PLAYlNG ON POCKET RADlO)

Born on a mountain top in Tennessee Greenest state in the land of the free Raised in the woods so he knew every tree k*lled him a b'ar when he was only three Davy, Davy Crockett king of the wild frontier!

Fought single-handed through the lnjun w*r Till the Creeks was whipped an' peace was in store And while he was handling...

(MUSlC STOPS)

What'd the doctor say?

Nothing. Supposedly it's just a 24-hour bug. He gave me some pills. l told you you probably just ate some bad gristle.

Should we take the short cut or the scenic route?

Let's take the short cut.

But the scenic route is so much prettier.

Okay, let's take the scenic route.

Great. lt's actually slightly quicker anyway.

(WHlSTLES)

(CLlCKS TONGUE)

(MRS. FOX GlGGLES)

Thank you.

What is a squab?

You know what it is. lt's like a pigeon l suppose.

Should we go through the hole under the horse fence, or climb the rail over the bridle path?

The horse fence is a little safer.

But the bridle path puts us right next to the squab shack.

(SlGHlNG) Well, okay.

What's wrong? You're acting skittish.

Don't worry. l've been stealing birds for a living since before l could trot.

You look unbelievably beautiful tonight. You're practically glowing.

Maybe it's the lighting.

(HEROES AND VlLLAlNS PLAYING)

Come on. l've been taken for lost and gone And unknown for a long long time Fell in love years ago with an innocent girl From the Spanish and lndian home Home of the heroes and villains

(WHlSTLES)

And she was right in the rain of the b*ll*ts that eventually brought her down But she's still dancing in the night Unafraid of what a dude'll do ln a town full of heroes and villains

(SQUABS SQUAWKlNG)

What's that? l think it's a fox trap. Look at this.

MRS. FOX: Get away from there. ls it spring-loaded? l guess if you come from over there and stand at this door to the squab shack, this little gadget probably triggers. . .

Move out of the way, that's where it's going to land.

Don't. . . Let's go!

(BOTH GASP)

No, it just falls straight right down.

(SlGHS) lt's not spring-loaded. l'm pregnant.

Wow. We're going to have a cub.

That's great news. lf we're still alive. . .

(DOGS BARKlNG)

lf we're still alive tomorrow morning, l want you to find another line of work.

Okay.

My children were raised You know they suddenly rise They started so long ago Head to toe healthy, wealthy and wise

(BlCYCLE BELL RlNGlNG)

Does anybody actually read my column? Do your friends talk about it?

Of course. ln fact, Rabbit's ex-girlfriend said to me, "l should read Foxy's column." But they don't get the Gazette.

Ash ! Let's get cracking.

Why would they? lt's a rag sheet. l'm sick. You're not. l have a temperature. You don't. l don't want to go.

Hurry up. You'll be late. l love the way you handled that.

(SLOW MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

Your cousin Kristofferson's coming on the 6th.

Be extra nice to him, he's going through a hard time right now.

Where will he sleep? ln your room. l can't spare the space. Put him in Dad's study.

Dad's study is occupied by Dad.

(MUSlC STOPS) l don't want to live in a hole anymore. lt makes me feel poor.

We are poor. But we're happy.

Comme ci, comme ça. Anyway, the views are better above ground.

Honey, l'm 7 non-fox-years old. My father died at 7-1 /2. l don't want to live in a hole anymore. l'm going to do something about it.

(MUSlC RESUMES)

(SNARLlNG)

Well, l'm off. Have a good day, my darlings.

You know, foxes live in holes for a reason.

Yes and no.

(BRUSHlNG NOlSlLY)

What are you wearing? Why a cape with the pants tucked in your socks?

l guess he's just different.

(WHlSTLES)

(CLlCKS TONGUE)

WEASEL OVER PHONE: l'm not the listing agent on it, so it doesn't matter to me. l know he's. . .

Actually, there he is. Mr. Fox! Here it is!

This is the tree! Come on over. l'll call you back, Bob.

Obviously, it's first growth, indigenous, original dirt floor.

Good bark, skipping stone hearth, as you can see.

(CLATTERlNG)

Kylie. Kylie! l'm showing the property. You're not supposed to be here.

What time is it? Sorry.

This is Kylie, the super. He's a little. . .

What's in the bucket, Mr. Kylie?

WEASEL: See what his eyes look like? Hey, Kylie!

Huh? Just minnows. Want to try one?

Certainly. Thank you.

lt's not exactly an evergreen, is it?

Are there any pines on the market?

Pines are hard to come by in your price range.

What's that?

What do you do for a living, Mr. Fox? l used to steal birds, but now l'm a newspaperman.

Oh, sure. l've seen your byline.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

You're going?

Oh, and Kylie, thank you for the minnow. lt was superb.

Don't buy this tree, Foxy.

You're borrowing at 9.5% with no fixed rate, plus moving into the most dangerous neighborhood in the country for your species.

You're exaggerating.

(SCOFFS) l'm sugar-coating it. This is Boggis, Bunce and Bean, three of the meanest, nastiest, ugliest farmers in the history of this valley.

Really? Tell me about them.

All right.

BADGER: Walt Boggis is a chicken farmer. Probably the most successful in the world.

He weighs the same as a young rhinoceros.

He eats three chickens every day for breakfast, lunch, supper and dessert.

That's twelve in total per diem.

Nate Bunce is a duck and goose farmer.

He's approximately the size of a pot-bellied dwarf, and his chin would be underwater in the shallow end of any swimming pool on the planet.

His food is homemade doughnuts with smashed-up goose livers injected into them.

Frank Bean is a turkey and apple farmer.

He invented his own species of each.

He lives on a liquid diet of strong alcoholic cider, which he makes from his apples.

He's skinny as a pencil, smart as a whip, and possibly the scariest man currently living.

The local human children sing a kind of eerie little rhyme about him.

Here, listen to this.

CHlLDREN: (SlNGlNG) Boggis, Bunce and Bean One fat, one short, one lean These horrible crooks So different in looks Were nonetheless equally mean ln summation, l think you just got to not do it. That's all. l understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but l'm going to ignore your advice.

The cuss you are.

The cuss am l? Are you cussing with me?

Are you cussing with me? Don't cussing point at me.

Don't cuss with someone you're not going to cuss with.

(SNARLlNG)

(HlSSlNG)

(CARRlAGE RETURN BELL DlNGS)

Just buy the tree.

Okay.

Take a left, then to the right. Set them down. Help that other guy.

Lift with your legs, not your back. Don't try to be a superman.

We got two circuits here, yellow and green. Keep them separated.

We need to bring about 2% more in.

A little bit more, a little bit more. Looks good.

Get that bottom structure settled in. Bring in the side unit.

Be careful of the branches, guys. Don't peel away the bark.

ASH: Wow.

Hi.

(DOORBELL RlNGS)

He's slightly younger, but a cuss of a lot bigger.

That's just genetics, l guess. Ash has a littler body type.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON GRAMOPHONE)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES) Go.

Watch this, Dad !

Well, well.

Good jump, Ash. Remember to keep your tail tucked.

Still painting thunderstorms, l see.

Do you still feel poor?

Less so.

(lNHALES)

(WHOOPlNG lN ADMlRATlON)

Look at that! This kid's a natural. l'm speechless, Kristofferson.

(GRUMBLlNG)

Plus, he knows karate.

Do you think l'm an athlete?

What are you talking about?

Well, l think l'm an athlete.

Sometimes l feel like you guys don't see me that way.

What's the subtext here? ls he praying? l think that's yoga.

(CHANTlNG SOFTLY)

How long is Kristofferson supposed to stay with us?

Until your uncle gets better.

But roughly how long do we plan to give him on that?

Double pneumonia. lt's not that big a deal.

(WHlSPERlNG) Lower your voice, Ash.

(SlGHS)

Who am l, Kylie?

Who how? What now?

Why a fox? Why not a horse, a beetle or a bald eagle? l'm saying this more as existentialism.

Who am l, and how can a fox ever be happy without, forgive the expression, a chicken in its teeth? l don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds ill*gal.

Here, put this bandit hat on.

Maybe you're a medium. Take it off and don't wear it around the house.

And so it begins.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

Do you mind if l slide my bedroll slightly out from under the train set? lt's hard to sleep in that corkscrew position.

There's a lot of attitudes going on around here. Don't let me get one. lt's just that my spinal cord is. . .

Sleep wherever you want.

Here, take my bed. l'll crawl under the bookcase.

Who cares if l get splinters in my ears?

Never mind. Are you going to pout about it? l've had it up to here with the sad house guest routine.

KRlSTOFFERSON: Good night.

(KRlSTOFFERSON CRYlNG SOFTLY)

(LlVELY MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(ROCKlNG CHAlR SQUEAKlNG) l used to do this professionally and l was very successful at it. l had to get out of it for personal reasons, but l've decided to secretly do one last big job on the sly. l'm bringing you in as my secretary and personal assistant.

Okay.

This is actually kind of a big deal, so don't just say, "Okay."

Okay, thank you. l'm going to tape this for my records, so don't make a lot of sounds.

Meaning, stop rocking.

Master Plan. Phase one. Side A.

MR. FOX: We'll start with Boggis's Chicken House Number One.

His only security is a few old hunting beagles and a low stone wall.

A word about beagles, never look a beagle directly in the eye.

Why not? Beagles aren't so tough.

One of these beagles has chronic rabies, which he's on medication for. lf you get bitten by him, you have to get shots in your stomach for six months. l'm not going to justify this.

Just pay attention and stop interrupting. l'm taping this. l picked some blueberries and laced each with 1 0 mg of high potency sleeping powder.

Enough to tranquilize a gorilla.

How do we make them eat it?

Beagles love blueberries.

MR. FOX: Remember, they aren't very smart, but they're incredibly paranoid, so always k*ll a chicken in one bite.

One bite, get it?

Are you listening to me? l look in your eyes and can't tell if you get anything l say.

Magnesium.

Magnesium ! Sorry.

Pipette.

Pipette! Oh, sorry.

Potassium. . . What are you looking at?

Oh, no.

Why's your cousin such a wet sandwich? l beg your pardon? What's that mean?

That means l didn't understand, a wet sandwich?

A wet sandwich, he's too short, he dresses like a girl, he's different.

Are you a bully? You're starting to sound like a bully.

(CHUCKLES) Watch this.

(LAUGHlNG)

You just destroyed the whole experiment.

We better extinguish this magnesium. Stand back.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

l like your ears.

(STAMMERlNG) Mine?

AGNES: Mmm-hmm.

Thank you. l like your spots.

Really? l used to cover them up, but, you know. . .

(SCOFFlNG)

You're supposed to be my lab partner. l am.

No, you're not. You're disloyal.

(BOTH PANTlNG)

(SNlFFlNG)

A few beagles, as we discussed, but we're ready for that. ln the old days, didn't we do a thing when somebody saw a wolf. . .

Wolf? What wolf?

Nothing? Never mind.

Here comes a little stone wall. Not a problem.

What the cuss? Where did this giant fence come from? We had a master plan.

What's this lightning bolt? lt could mean the fence might be electric. l hope it doesn't mean thunder, because l have a phobia of that.

Ah !

Watch this.

(SNlFFlNG)

(LAUGHS)

(WHlSTLES)

Beagles love blueberries. Didn't l tell you? The master plan is working again.

This is the tricky part.

One of us has to jump the barbed wire, slide under the tire spikes and open the fence latch.

Who will it be? Not me.

Kristofferson could do this easily. He's like an Olympic level. . .

Why don't we run that way? There's no obstacles.

Yeah, that's better.

(MR. FOX SNARLlNG)

(KYLlE GASPlNG NERVOUSLY) l said, one bite. l'm trying ! l have a different kind of teeth from you. l'm an opossum.

Give me that.

(MR. FOX SNARLlNG)

That's so grisly. There's blood.

Follow me.

All right, what's the master escape plan?

(ALARMS BLARlNG)

Follow me again.

(BOTH SCREAMlNG)

MR. FOX: Quick!

Give me that!

Let's hit the five-and-dime on the way home.

We'll make fake price tags and wrap the chickens in wax paper, so it looks like we bought them !

(WHOOPlNG EXClTEDLY)

(BOTH HOWLlNG)

(MRS. FOX GASPS)

MRS. FOX: Huh !

(WHlSTLlNG NONCHALANTLY)

Where'd you get this chicken?

At the five-and-dime last night. lt has a Boggis Farms tag around its ankle.

Huh ! Must have escaped from there before l bought it.

(WHlSTLlNG CASUALLY)

Psst!

Bunce tonight. He has a refrigerated smokehouse with geese. . . l thought you said we were only doing one last big job.

We are. But it's not done yet. lt's a triple-header.

(MR. FOX WHlSPERlNG)

(MR. FOX SHUSHlNG)

(lNSTRUMENTAL MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(KYLlE SNEEZES)

(ROOSTER CROWlNG)

(BOTH LAUGHlNG QUlETLY)

MR. FOX: (WHlSPERlNG) Shh ! Shh !

(MRS. FOX GASPS)

MRS. FOX: Huh.

Let's see some hustle. l've never played whack-bat. What are the rules?

No whack-bat on the other side of the river?

No, we mostly just run grass sprints or play acorns. lt's real simple.

COACH SKlP: There's 3 grabbers, 3 taggers, 5 twig-runners and the player at whack-bat.

The center-tagger lights a pinecone and chucks it over the basket.

The whack-batter tries to hit the cedar-stick off the cross-rock.

The twig-runners dash back and forth until the pinecone burns out and the umpire calls, "hot box."

At the end, you count how many score-downs it adds up to and divide by nine.

Got it. Go in for Ash.

Substitution ! Ash, come out! You need a breather.

Come out?

What? l still feel good, Coach. Let me finish this 8th.

No, come on. Step out, let's go.

Am l getting better, Coach?

You're sure as cuss not getting worse.

You think l could end up being as good as my dad if l keep practicing?

Your dad? Your dad was probably the best whack-bat player we ever had in this school.

Don't compare yourself to that.

But l think l have some of the same raw natural talent, don't you?

You're improving, let's put it like that.

UMPlRE: Hot box!

KRlSTOFFERSON: Divide that by nine, please!

(WHOOPlNG)

That's the first time this kid's ever swung a whack bat?

He really is your father's nephew.

Not by blood. No?

He's from my mother's side.

Oh, yeah.

What's that stand for? lt's for pep. Pep. lt's a K.

Come on now, look alive! That-a-boy!

We're going steady.

(GROANS)

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

What's that?

What? What, this?

Nothing. Just some old trophy l won for being an athlete. l have to cover a book party at some animal's nest in a tobacco field down the hill.

Kylie and l are going to give it a whirl. Don't wait up.

What's the book?

Some memoir. l'll get him to sign you a copy.

The dinner was pitch perfect.

l saw a couple broken burglar bars under the back door to Bean's secret cider cellar.

We're breaking into Bean's house? Cellar.

Where he lives? Where he keeps the cider.

Below where he lives.

Where'd you come from? Go back to the tree and do your homework. l want to help steal cider.

We're going to a book party. And be quiet about any cider, because nobody said that. Now, go!

You're going to get me in a lot of trouble.

Besides, you're too little and uncoordinated.

One, two, three!

(GRUMBLlNG)

Where the cuss does that kid get off?

Can you believe that? How'd he get tipped off?

You think he'll tell on us?

Before we go on, can you give me some kind of signal so l know this is getting through to you?

That's it? All right.

There's another one.

Good, you made it. Anybody see you? l don't think so.

Put this bandit hat on. l'm pleased to be invited, but l'm not sure l should be doing this.

Why not? l don't like to be dishonest with people.

Just keep your mouth shut and it won't be a problem. l don't think he should come, either.

We're not taking a vote!

One time, this wolf l saw. . .

What's with all the wolf talk? Give it a rest for once.

(CLANGlNG)

(BUBBLlNG)

Look at all this apple juice.

Apple juice? We didn't come here for apple juice.

This is some of the strongest, finest alcoholic cider money can buy or that can even be stolen. lt burns in your throat, boils in your stomach, and tastes almost exactly like pure, melted gold.

(FlNGERS SNAP)

(MATCH STRlKlNG)

Y'all are trespassing now, illegally.

'Round these parts, we don't take kindly to cider poachers.

You've aged badly, Rat.

You're getting a little long in the tooth yourself, partner.

Why are you wearing that badge? What is that? lt's my job.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(HlSSlNG)

How's your old lady doing?

Do you refer to my wife?

She was the town tart in her day.

Wild and footloose and pretty as a mink stole. ls that true?

Of course not. l mean, certainly she lived. We all did. lt was a different time. Let's not use a double standard.

But town tart? Shut up.

(RAT EXCLAlMS CHALLENGlNGLY)

That was close, Rat. Be careful.

Oh, l'm careful as a. . .

(DOOR LATCH UNLOCKlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG)

How many jars should l bring up, Franklin?

BEAN: l don't know. Two, l guess.

MRS. BEAN: You drank three yesterday.

BEAN: All right. Take three.

(RAT GRUNTlNG)

Nope. Two is plenty.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, my cuss. ls she blind?

She might have astigmatism or possibly a cataract of some form.

Anyway, her eyes don't see well.

(DOOR SQUEAKlNG OPEN)

MR. FOX: What'd l tell you? This kid's a natural ! Am l right?

BEAN: So good of you to come. You both look splendid.

How have you been, Walter? ln good health?

Nathan? All's well?

Wonderful.

Any fox problems?

Are you joking? Horrible.

We're miserable. He's laughing at us.

Humiliating. We're furious. l don't want to talk about it.

(SLURPlNG SLOWLY)

Perhaps we ought to k*ll him.

That seems obvious.

He's too sneaky.

Right, of course. He's very clever, isn't he?

Might be a bit difficult, l suppose.

(DOGS BARKlNG) l've figured out where this fox lives. Tomorrow night, we'll camp in the bushes, wait for him to come out and sh**t the cuss to smithereens.

How does that grab you? l don't see why not.

MRS. FOX: Another book party? l didn't see you sitting in the dark over there.

Actually, there was a fire. l just got the call.

May be arson. l have to interview the marshal. . .

Kylie. ls he telling the truth?

(STAMMERlNG) l don't want to be put in the middle of this.

Thanks, Kylie.

Why is he wearing that bandit hat?

His ears were cold. He's not with us. Go back to bed. lf what l think is happening is happening, it better not be.

(SNlFFlNG)

Nice job covering for me. Next time. . .

(RUSTLlNG)

(GROWLlNG SOFTLY)

(WlND BLOWlNG)

(SNlFFlNG)

All three!

BEAN: k*ll him !

(MR. FOX AND KYLlE SCREAMlNG)

We got the tail, but we missed the fox.

Petey, sorry to wake you. Can you dash out here right away with three shovels, two pickaxes, 500 rounds of ammunition, and a bottle of apple cider?

ASH: lt'll grow back, won't it?

Tails don't grow back.

Tails don't grow back?

Mmm-mmm. Except lizards'.

Tails don't grow back. l'm gonna be tail-less for the rest of my life.

Anyway, it's not half as bad as double pneumonia, right? l mean, his dad has one foot in the grave and three feet on a banana peel.

ASH: That's a lot worse than. . .

Excuse me. l'm going to go meditate for half an hour.

You have 29 minutes to come up with a proper apology.

Me? Me have an apology?

He just got here and got a bandit hat? Where's my bandit hat?

Why didn't l get shot at? Because you think l'm no good at anything !

Maybe you're right, thanks.

(MR. FOX SlGHS) l told you not to bring him.

MR. FOX: Why the cuss didn't l listen to my lawyer?

We'll be lucky to flip this tree for half of what we've sunk into it. l can't sleep on my back for 6 weeks and on my stomach, l feel congested.

Why the cuss didn't l listen to my lawyer?

MRS. FOX: Because you don't listen to anybody.

(THUDDlNG)

What was that? MRS. FOX: l said. . .

(RATTLlNG OUTSlDE)

Wake up! They're digging us out!

They'll k*ll the children.

Over my dead body. l know. You're dead, too, in that scenario. l'm arguing against that.

What? Why are you yelling?

Stop! You say one thing, she says another, and it all changes back again !

(CRACKlNG)

(THUDDlNG)

l've got it. No time to lose. Why didn't l think of this sooner?

Think of what?

We've been trapped before.

(SHOUTlNG) Dig !

(ALL GRUNTlNG FURlOUSLY)

(ALL PANTlNG) l think it's time for me to give a pep talk and explain some things.

A very long time ago. . .

May l have a word with you privately?

Well, we're in a hole here.

On the other side of this mineral deposit. Follow me.

(BREATHlNG SHALLOWLY) l'm going to lose my temper now.

When? Right now.

Well, when?

(GROANlNG)

Twelve fox-years ago, you made a promise while we were caged in that fox trap that, if we survived, you would never steal another chicken, turkey, goose, duck or squab, whatever they are.

Now, l believed you. Why did you lie to me?

Because l'm a wild animal.

You are also a husband, and a father! l'm trying to tell you the truth about myself. l don't care about the truth about yourself.

This story is too predictable.

Predictable, really? What happens in the end?

(SNlFFLlNG) ln the end, we all die.

Unless you change.

Petey, run down to the rental department at Malloy Consolidated and place an order for one Mighty Max, one Junior Spitfire, and a long-range Tornado 375 Turbo. For immediate delivery.

(ALL LAUGHlNG MANlACALLY)

(TRACTORS APPROACHlNG)

Huh?

Huh? Huh?

(RUMBLlNG OVERHEAD)

(STREET FlGHTlNG MAN PLAYING)

Everywhere l hear the sound of marching charging feet, boy Cause summer's here and the time is right For fighting in the streets, boy Ash, are you mad at me? l understand if you are, and l'm sorry. l wouldn't have involved your cousin if l'd realized you'd feel this way. lt was only ever because he's kind of a natural, l mean. . . Look at him dig !

(GRUNTlNG RHYTHMlCALLY)

Anyway, l'm sorry if. . . l'm going to just put dirt in my ears.

That's better. l can't hear you now, but keep talking.

Get down

(TRACTORS SHUTTlNG DOWN)

(KRlSTOFFERSON CHANTlNG SOFTLY)

l don't have beagle ticks, by the way.

(STAMMERlNG) Well, me, neither. Whoever said we had beagle ticks, by the way?

Apparently, that's what you've been telling everyone.

Beagle ticks and pelt lice. l never said that. And you're misquoting me.

But l'll get to the bottom of it.

We may or may not ever see the light of day again, but l really like Agnes and l think she likes me.

Great. She's a free agent. What do l care?

Then why are you dead set. . .

Can l ask you a question?

You may.

What's the point of sitting on the floor with your legs twisted into a pretzel talking to yourself for an hour and 45 minutes? lt's weird.

My father and l started meditating together when. . .

That's great, but l'd worry more about what that does to your reputation than whether you have beagle ticks or not. l don't. Nor pelt lice.

(MR. FOX SlGHlNG)

One of those slovenly farmers is probably wearing my tail as a necktie by now.

You're paranoid, Foxy.

REPORTER ON TV: Farmer, correct me if l'm misreading the data.

You've destroyed the scenery, but the alleged fox remains at large.

(LAUGHlNG) Look at Dad's tie.

What will you three prominent farmers do now? l can tell you what we're not going to do.

We're not going to let him go.

(BEEPS)

Stand clear, please. Stand clear, everyone.

Contact!

Boggis, how many men work on your farm?

35. Bunce?

36. l've got 37.

That. . . Carry the zero, divide by two. . .

That's 1 08 all together.

Petey, drop everything and assemble all 1 08 members of our three combined work forces.

We'll starve them out, then k*ll them. Starting in shall we say, 1 5 minutes?

REPORTER: An estimated 1 08 sn*pers are in position, surrounding the demolished fox residence.

Any local animals appear to be trapped underground without provisions of any kind. lf l had a crystal ball, l'd predict a fairly grisly outcome to this situation.

We'll stay on the scene, watching closely, as events continue to unfold.

This is going to be a total cluster-cuss for everybody.

How long can a fox go without food or water? l can only answer as an opossum, but l can't last more than another couple hours before l get completely dehydrated and starve to death.

What's that?

(WlND BLOWlNG)

ASH: Dad. MR. FOX: Not a sound.

(DlRT CLATTERlNG)

You scared the cuss out of us!

(GROWLlNG)

A lot of good animals are probably going to die, because of you !

We've been digging in circles for 3 days.

Half the woods have been obliterated.

Nobody can get out. My wife's huddled at the bottom of a flint-mine with no food, no water, and 27 starving animal brats! l just want to see a little sunshine.

You're nocturnal, Phil. Your eyes barely even open on a good day. l'm sick of your double-talk! We have rights!

We don't like you and we hate your dad.

Now grab some mud, chew it and swallow it. l'm not going to eat mud.

Cuss, yeah, you are.

Don't do that.

Why'd you take your shoes off?

So l don't break your nose when l kick it.

(MARTlAL ARTS GRUNTlNG)

(WHlMPERlNG)

l can fight my own fights.

No, you can't.

Those farmers won't quit till they've got you and every member of your family nailed upside-down to a bloody stick with your eyes gorged out.

This is getting a little too personal.

Give me a minute.

(MUTTERlNG)

l've got an idea.

What? lt could be good.

Lay it on us. lt might save our lives.

Say the idea!

All right. Let's try it.

Go to the flint-mine, tell Mrs. Badger et a/. that help is on the way. ls help on the way? l sure as cuss hope so.

Ash, l know what it's like to feel different. l'm not different.

Am l?

We all are. Him, especially.

But there's something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?

Not to me. l'd prefer to be an athlete.

Gentlemen, this time we must dig in a very special direction.

We have to kind of feel out the vibe.

Begin.

(MR. FOX SNARLlNG)

(THUDDlNG)

Whoo-hoo! Come on ! You guys. . . You're not. . . Come on.

l hit it slap in the middle. Do you get how incredible this is?

(WHlSTLES)

(PETEY'S SONG PLAYlNG)

(SlNGlNG) 'Bout a handsome little fox Let me sing you folks a yarn Hey, diddle-dee, daddle-da, doddle-do, doodle-dum

'Twas a splendid little fella Full of wit and grace and charm Say zippy-zee, zappy-za, yappy-yo, google-gum Like any little critter needing Vittles for his little-uns Well, he stole and he cheated And he lied just to survive With a doodle-dum, diddle-di, duddle, doodle-dum

(SlNGlNG ALONG)

With a zippy-zo, zippy-zay, zippy-zappy-zoopy-zee Oh, doo-dah, doo-dah, day!

Let me take a little tick To color in the scene

'Cross the valley lived three yokels Name of Boggis, Bunce and Bean These three crazy jackies Had our hero on the run Shot the tail off the cuss With a fox-sh**ting g*n But that stylish little fox Was clever as a whip Dug as quick as a gopher That was hyperactive

(PEOPLE WHOOPlNG)

Now those three farmers sit

'Twhere there a hole 'twas once a hill Singing diddle-dee, daddle-da, doddle-do, doodle-dum And as far as l can reckon They're sitting up there still Singing zippy-zee, zappy-za, yoppy-yo...

What are you singing, Petey?

Just making it up as l went along, really.

That's just weak songwriting. You wrote a bad song, Petey!

(CLATTERlNG)

We took everything !

They took everything?

Let me call you back, Petey.

They could be anywhere.

Digging right under our feet. ln a sense, we've only made matters worse.

We should have stayed out of it.

(GASPlNG)

(SCREAMS)

l've got an idea.

(PLAYlNG JAZZ)

l still don't have a signal. ls anybody getting reception?

BADGER: l don't have any signal, but l've had a problem with that.

Crisp up those ducks! Drag those chickens! Slow down. We're ahead.

Where are the apples? Slice them up and get them in the pan. l can imagine how painful, even emotionally, that must be for you. lt's not the end of the world.

But how humiliating, having your whole tail blown clean off by. . .

Can we drop it?

Yeah, really good, sweet, and nice.

(WHlSTLES) They say you're a natural. True or false?

Answer the question.

True, l guess. Correct.

Get away, Agnes. l need a private word with Kristofferson.

Just a minute. She. . . l don't mind. l just had a brainstorm for something fantastic l've got to do.

But l can't do it alone. l'm not interested. Hear me out.

No, thanks. Foxes from your side of the family take unnecessary risks.

Only because they've got guts in their blood. So do we.

Was l a bit rude to Agnes?

Yeah. l should probably say something. l will in a minute.

What's the brainstorm? ln a nutshell?

We're going to steal back my dad's tail.

Whoa! Whew! Hmm. . .

BEAN: Okay, chief.

Here we go.

(ClDER RUSHlNG)

Well, it took a near catastrophe for all of you to finally take me up on my offer to have you over to the flint-mine for dinner.

Maybe my invitation got lost in the mail.

(CHUCKLlNG) Does anybody know what he's talking about?

No, Clive's right. ln all seriousness, excuse me, B.

We do have these three ugly farmers to thank for one thing.

Reminding us to be thankful and aware of each other. l'll say it again, aware.

l don't feel safe.

That's because we're not.

You should put your bandit hat on. l don't have one, but l modified this tube sock.

We look good.

Yeah, we do.

Now, where would you keep a prized tail, if you collected them? l'd probably hang it over the mantelpiece.

Right. Good. ln fact. . .

(SNlFFlNG) What's that smell?

Ever tasted one of Mrs. Bean's famous nutmeg-ginger-apple-snaps?

Well, how do you do?

They are so warm.

(BOTH SNARLlNG)

Uh-oh.

We got it wrong. lt's not over the mantelpiece.

KRlSTOFFERSON: The necktie.

(DOOR OPENlNG)

(SHUSHlNG)

(WHlSPERlNG) Let's go. Hang on.

Two more. She's there.

She can't see.

(BOTH GASP)

(BOTH SCREAMlNG)

Look at each other. Here we are. Wow. l've already had too much to drink and l'm feeling sentimental but l'll say something anyway, which nobody wants to admit, but which is probably true.

We beat them. We beat those farmers and now we're triumphantly eating their roasted chicken, their sizzling duck, their succulent turkey, their foie gras...

Where'd the boys go?

Ash ! Kristofferson ! Boys!

That was crazy. l can't believe what just happened.

Come on, let's get out of here! Let's go! Where are we?

Kristofferson?

What am l hearing again, baby? What's happening? Am l still paranoid?

(RUMBLlNG)

Cider.

(ANlMALS COUGHlNG)

What happened? Something with cider. That was dangerous. ls anyone hurt?

We're all hurt! My entire flint-mine got demolished !

Apple juice. Apple juice flood.

Do a head count. Everybody pick a buddy. Where'd the boys go?

Ash ! Kristofferson ! Ash !

ASH: l'm here!

Who's your buddy?

Kristofferson.

Where is he? l don't know.

Why not? l lost him.

(STAMMERlNG) You lost him?

We were in the kitchen, trying to find the necktie.

What are you talking about? lt's my fault.

Where did you get that nutmeg-ginger-apple-snap, and why are you wearing that fake bandit hat?

We went to steal back your tail.

(GASPlNG)

MR. FOX: Kristofferson !

Wrap this little mutt in a newspaper and put him in a box with some holes punched in the top.

There's one way out of the sewer, but the manhole cover's closed and a station wagon's parked on it.

Which means, we're permanently stuck down here.

You still think we beat them, Foxy?

Badger's right.

These farmers aren't going to quit until they catch me. l shouldn't have lied to your face or fallen off the wagon and started secretly stealing chickens on the sly. l shouldn't have tried to embarrass these farmers and cuss with their heads. l enjoyed it, but l shouldn't have done it. Now there's only one way out. lf l hand myself over, let them k*ll me, stuff me and hang me over their mantelpiece. . .

You'll do no such thing.

Maybe they'll let everyone else live.

Oh, why did you have to get us into this, Foxy? l don't know, but l have a possible theory. l think l need everyone to think l'm the greatest, the "fantastic" Mr. Fox. lf they aren't completely knocked out and dazzled and intimidated by me l don't feel good about myself.

Foxes traditionally like to court danger, hunt prey and outsmart predators.

That's what l'm good at.

At the end of the day, l'm just. . . l know. We're wild animals.

l guess we always were. lf l had all this to do over again, l'd have never let you down. lt was always more fun when we did it together, anyway. l love you, Felicity. l love you, too.

But l shouldn't have married you.

l tell you about finding out we were having a cub? ln the fox trap. Right.

We were at gunpoint, and your mother. . .

Said she's pregnant.

Let me tell it, okay? l had no idea how to get out of this jam. Then it hit me.

What do foxes do better than any other animal?

Dig. You're stepping on my lines.

Keep telling it. So we dug.

And the whole time l put paw over paw, scooping dirt and pebble, your mother digging like crazy next to me, l kept wondering, who is this little boy going to be?

Or girl. Or girl.

Because at that point, we didn't know.

Ash, l'm so glad he was you. lt's not your fault. lt's mine.

(WHlSTLES)

(CLlCKS TONGUE)

Good-bye.

Well, l guess we should probably split into a certain number of groups and start doing something, right?

(WHlMPERlNG)

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

Could l have a glass of water?

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Kristofferson ! Hello! Can you hear us?

Kristofferson !

RAT: They got the boy.

They want to trade the son for his poppa.

BADGER: Why did they write this in letters cut out of magazines?

To protect their identities. Oh, but then why'd they sign their names?

Plus we already knew who they were because they're trying to k*ll us.

BADGER: "Mr. Fox, we have your son. lf you ever want to see him alive again. . ."

ASH: You took the wrong fox!

l'm his son. l can see the resemblance.

(SCREAMS)

What was that?

ASH: (ECHOlNG) Dad !

(ASH SCREAMlNG)

(GASPS)

(GROWLlNG)

Stop, man, stop!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(WHOOPlNG)

Look at you, girl.

You're still as fine-looking as a crème brûlée.

Am l being flirted with by a psychotic rat?

(HlSSlNG)

MRS. FOX: Ash !

ASH: Let me out!

Excuse me. May l cut in?

(GROWLS)

(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

(RAT EXCLAlMlNG lN PAlN)

(RAT GROANlNG WEAKLY)

(CHOKlNG WEAKLY)

(SOFTLY) The boy's locked in an apple crate on top of a g*n locker in the attic of Bean Annex.

Would you have told me if l didn't k*ll you first?

Never.

All these wasted years. What were you looking for, Rat?

(RAT STAMMERlNG WEAKLY)

He's trying to say something, Dad.

Cider.

MR. FOX: Here you are, Rat. A beaker of Bean's finest secret cider.

(WHlSPERlNG) Like melted gold.

(MOANlNG SOFTLY)

He redeemed himself.

Redemption, sure.

But in the end, he's just another dead rat in a garbage pail behind a Chinese restaurant.

He went bananas.

Yes, he did.

My suicide mission has been cancelled.

We're replacing it with a go-for-broke rescue mission. ln a way, l'm almost glad that flood interrupted us, because l don't like the toast l was giving. l'm going to start over.

(GRAND CHORAL PLAYlNG)

When l look down this table, with the exquisite feast set before us, l see two terrific lawyers, a skilled pediatrician, a wonderful chef, a savvy real estate agent, an excellent tailor, a crack accountant, a gifted musician, a pretty good minnow fisherman, and possibly the best landscape painter working on the scene today.

Maybe a few of you might even read my column from time to time. l tend to doubt it. l also see a room full of wild animals.

Wild animals with true natures and pure talents.

With scientific-sounding Latin names that mean something about our DNA.

Each with his own strengths and weaknesses due to his or her species.

Anyway, l think it may very well be all the beautiful differences among us that might just give us the tiniest glimmer of a chance of saving my nephew and letting me make it up to you for getting us into this crazy whatever-it-is. l don't know, it's just a thought. Thank you for listening. Cheers, everyone.

(EXCLAlMS)

KYLlE: Let's eat!

What? l was just playing along with the bit he was doing.

Will you join me? l will.

ALL: Oh, all right, l guess.

Thank you.

Let's start planning. Who knows shorthand?

Great. Linda, Lutra /utra. You got some dry paper? Here we go.

Mole, Ta/pa europea. What do you got? l can see in the dark. lncredible. We can use that. Linda?

Got it.

Rabbit, Oryctolagus cuniculus. l'm fast.

You bet you are. Linda? Got it.

Beaver, Castor fiber. l chew through wood.

Amazing ! Linda! Got it.

Badger, Meles meles!

Demolitions expert.

What? Since when?

Explosions, flames, burning things!

Demolitions expert. Okay, Linda? Got it.

Weasel, Mustela nivalis!

Stop yelling !

(WHOOPlNG EXClTEDLY)

MR. FOX: Ash, get these little kids organized and put together a K. P. unit to keep this sewer clean. lt's good for morale.

Done. What's K. P.?

Um, l think it means janitors.

(FlELD MOUSE SPEAKlNG SOFTLY)

Me. Yo, over here, hey. l want to go. l want to fight.

Good. Fabulous. Microtus pennsylvanicus.

(CHUCKLlNG) l didn't get a job yet. Or a Latin name. What's my strength?

Listen, you're Kylie. You're an unbelievably nice guy.

Your job is really just to be available, l think. l don't know your Latin name. l doubt they had opossums in ancient Rome.

lt's stupendous! Where's us?

Right here.

Paint an X.

MR. FOX: Dear Farmers Boggis, Bunce and Bean: l have no alternative but to agree to your terms.

Move the station wagon and open the manhole cover below the drainpipe by the cobbler shop and meet me there at 1 0:00 A.M. sharp. l will hand myself over to you in exchange for the boy's safe return. Cordially, Mr. Fox.

Why'd he write this in letters cut out of magazines? l don't know, but you did the same thing. l don't trust this guy. Anyway, set up the ambush.

Synchronize your clocks. The time is now 9:45 A.M.

(WATCHES BEEPlNG)

Put these bandit hats on.

(ELECTRlClTY CRACKLlNG)

(FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE PLAYlNG)

(TlCKlNG)

(BEEPlNG)

Did you bring the boy?

Of course we did. Say something, kid.

KRlSTOFFERSON: Excuse me. Excuse me!

That doesn't sound anything like him. lt's amateur night in Dixie.

(BLOWlNG)

What the cuss is he burning?

CHlLDREN: Boggis, Bunce, Bean One fat, one short, one lean

(ALL LAUGHlNG) ls that all you've got, Mr. Fox?

CHlLDREN: (SlNGlNG) Boggis, Bunce and Bean One fat, one short, one lean These horrible crooks So different in looks Were nonetheless equally mean... lt's unclear whether these. . .

(ALARM BELL RlNGlNG)

Boggis, Bunce and Bean One fat, one short, one lean Horrible crooks Different in looks Nonetheless equally mean

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

28 pinecones fired, 22 targets hit.

Decoy phase, go.

Yes, sir. Domino Santo, one, two, three.

(WHOOPlNG)

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

(STAMMERlNG) Dad's on fire!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

Foxy, you're on.

We're ready. l'm going to find him and bring him back. l know you will.

Contact!

(GRAND CHORAL PLAYlNG)

Are you scared of wolves?

No. l have a phobia of them. l have a thing about thunder.

Why? That's stupid. l don't like needles myself.

Where'd you come from again? How did you get in the sidecar? l feel like l'm losing my mind.

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

PlLOT: l've got a fox on a motorcycle, with a littler fox and what looks like to be an opossum in the sidecar, riding north on Farm Lane Seven.

Does that sound like anything to anybody?

(OVER RADlO) Red, it's Franklin Bean.

Turn around, get the cuss back here and pick us up on the ASAP.

(FLlPPlNG SWlTCHES)

Ah !

You got a credit card? Sure.

This is what l was saying about how good you are, just being available.

A titanium card? How the cuss did you qualify for this? l pay my bills on time. l've always had good credit.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(WHlSTLES)

(CLlCKS TONGUE)

Come on.

What's this thing you do? The whistle with the clicking sound?

What do you mean? That's my trademark.

(WHlSTLES)

(CLlCKS TONGUE)

Give me a blueberry.

Blueberry. You didn't say anything. . .

You forgot the blueberries? l did say it! l wrote it on your paw!

Yeah. lt's written on the front of your paw.

What's that white stuff around his mouth? l think he eats soap.

That's not soap.

Then why does he have that bubbly. . .

He's rabid. With rabies. l've heard about this beagle.

You two go ahead while l distract him.

(SQUEAKlNG)

(DOOR OPENlNG)

(MUMBLlNG)

(SHUSHlNG)

ASH: Hey.

l can fit through there.

Want to know why?

Why?

Because l'm little.

Give me that shoelace.

(ASH EXHALES)

Psst! Psst!

(WHlSPERlNG) lt's me. l'm rescuing you. l have mixed feelings about that. l don't blame you.

Can you give me a karate lesson real quick?

Okay. Stand like this.

Position yourself on the ba*ls of your feet.

Close your eyes. You weigh less than a slice of bread.

l feel there's a tenderness in your eyes, isn't there?

Yes, l'm right.

Let's review the principal agility techniques: jumping, flipping, landing.

MR. FOX: You're a good boy. A little lonely, maybe, but terribly sweet. ls your name Spitz? That's German, isn't it?

Now, a rudimentary version of the cyclone chop.

First, get a running start, which, obviously, l can't do here.

Then, at the destination of the chop, lean and thrust into the point of contact, paw open and straight, then withdraw instantaneously. lt's the pull-back that matters.

The pull-back generates the force of the impact.

Got it.

Yeah, l'm just going to chop this thing right off.

(CHANTlNG)

He's going to do it.

Why, you're just as sweet as a. . .

(GROWLlNG) l thought he said never look a beagle in the eye.

(MARTlAL ARTS GRUNTlNG)

(GASPlNG)

Did you chop it?

(SOFTLY) Oh, no. Oh, no.

(CRASHlNG)

(GROWLlNG)

(SNARLlNG)

(BARKlNG)

(MR. FOX SCREAMlNG)

ASH: Kristofferson.

Uh, l'm okay. l'm okay. l'm sorry.

That's all right. You were just trying to unlock the apple crate.

No. l mean l'm sorry about. . .

Oh, you mean from before. The apology you owed me, but never actually said.

Right. l'm grumpy. l spit. l wake up on the wrong side of the bed. l'm just different, apparently.

But it won't happen again.

Kristofferson, l'm sorry.

Well, that's all right, too.

Throw me the shoelace, please.

(PANTlNG)

(BARKlNG FURlOUSLY)

(GASPlNG)

You okay?

(GASPS)

He's wearing it.

Your tractors uprooted my tree, your posse hunted my family, your gunmen kidnapped my nephew, your rat insulted my wife, and you shot off my tail. l'm not leaving here without that necktie.

k*ll him !

Actually, we should just go. Where did l park? l weigh less than a slice of bread. l'll be right back.

Ash !

Dodge the grabbers, duck the taggers, jump the twig-basket and knock the cedar-stick off the cross-rock!

(MARTlAL ARTS EXCLAlMlNG)

(WHOOPS)

Hot box!

(BARKlNG)

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

(SPlTZ SNARLlNG)

(GUNFlRE)

Ash, that was pure wild animal craziness. You're an athlete.

Mmm-hmm.

Here, put this bandit hat on.

Goggles.

CHlLDREN: Boggis, Bunce and Bean One fat, one short one lean

Are you going to. . .

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

MR. FOX: Holy swearing cuss!

(BARKlNG)

(SNARLlNG)

Petey, bring us a ladder, please.

MOLE: Stand by! l just intercepted a high-frequency radio signal with the can, they're on their way home!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Don't turn around.

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

Where'd he come from?

Where'd you come from?

MR. FOX: What are you doing here?

Canis lupus.

Vulpes vulpes. l don't think he speaks English or Latin.

(SPEAKlNG FRENCH) l'm asking if he thinks we're in for a hard winter.

He doesn't seem to know.

l have a phobia of wolves!

What a beautiful creature. Wish him luck, boys.

Good luck, wolf.

Good luck out there.

These three, in this reporter's opinion, obsessed farmers remain convinced the fox in question will eventually reappear. Why?

Foxes aren't meant to live in a sewer.

They're refugees.

All they have to eat down there is. . .

Trash !

And not much of it.

Uh-huh.

Thank you, farmers. For Action 1 2, this is Dan Peabody.

What is it?

His tonsils are a little swollen. ls it serious?

No. Hopefully, he won't have to lose them.

Lose the tonsils? l'm hungry.

Have some water. Here.

BEAVER: We try to keep things simple.

WEASEL: This is the first time l've been to a party where no one serves anything.

(CUBS CHANTlNG)

My darlings.

ASH: Where are we going? MR. FOX: Nobody knows.

ASH: We were in the middle of a meditation practice.

Watch your step. Let's see, where does this lead?

Oh, no. Foxy, it's filthy.

MR. FOX: Keep a good grip, everyone.

This better be worth it.

MR. FOX: l think l see a little sliver of light. What's this? ls it a door?

You're a terrible actor, Foxy.

(SNlFFlNG) Do you smell something? ls that Freon?

Shh ! l'm going to open this trap door and see if something's on the other side. l highly doubt it, though. There's probably just more sewer.

Wouldn't it be surprising if. . . ASH: Open it.

Look, there's a whole enormous, glorious, gigantic supermarket up here.

And they close early on weekends.

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG lN WONDER)

You really are kind of a quote-unquote "fantastic" fox. l try. Get enough to share with everybody.

Remember, the Rabbits are vegetarians and Badger supposedly can't eat walnuts.

(ALL SNARLlNG) l guess now that Kristofferson's dad is already down to single pneumonia he'll be going home soon.

Actually, when he spoke to me from the hospital he said he was already talking to Weasel about real estate availability in our sewer system.

Really? Well, now's the time to buy.

Ha!

Okay. l get it. ls that your trademark?

l'm pregnant again.

(GASPS) Wow.

l think we're both glowing.

Do another toast, Dad.

Okay, uh. . .

They say all foxes are slightly allergic to linoleum.

But it's cool to the paw. Try it.

They say my tail needs to be dry-cleaned twice a month.

But now it's fully detachable.

See?

They say our tree may never grow back. But one day something will.

These crackles are made of synthetic goose and these giblets come from artificial squab.

Even these apples look fake. But at least they've got stars on them.

My point is, we'll eat tonight, and we'll eat together.

And even in this not particularly flattering light, you are without a doubt the five-and-a-half most wonderful wild animals l've ever met in my life.

So let's raise our boxes.

To our survival.

(ALL SLURPlNG)

How was that?

Mmm.

That was a good toast.

(LET HER DANCE PLAYING)

Well, there she goes with a brand new love affair Dancing with him like she don't even care Well, let her dance with him Let her dance all night long Let her dance, let her dance Dance, dance Let her dance, let her dance Let her dance, dance, dance Well, who would have known that just yesterday She danced with me the very same way Well, let her dance with him Let her dance all night long Let her dance, let her dance Dance, dance Let her dance, let her dance Let her dance, dance, dance Well, let her dance with him all night long Let her dance to our favorite song Well, let her dance with him Let her dance all night long Let her dance, let her dance Dance, let her dance Let her dance, let her dance Dance, dance, dance

Well, l'll find me a new love And then she'll see Someone else will be dancing with me Let her dance with him Let her dance all night long Let her dance, let her dance Dance, dance, let her dance Well, let her dance with him all night long Let her dance to our favorite song Well, let her dance with him Let her dance all night long Let her dance, let her dance Dance, dance Let her dance, let her dance Let her dance with him Well, let her dance with him all night long Let her dance to our favorite song Let her dance with him Let her dance all night long Let her dance, let her dance Let her dance, let her dance Dance, dance, dance, dance Let her dance, let her dance Let her dance dance, dance

(PETEY'S SONG PLAYlNG)