John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch (2019)

[bunniefuu]

[wind blowing]

So, I have a lot of big fears.

Like a big asteroid hitting the Earth, or other stuff like that, you know?

And sometimes I was afraid of getting hit by the ball in baseball, but my biggest fear of all time is drowning because--

And that's why I'm afraid of swimming because I'm afraid of drowning.

I did take swimming classes and I hated it, okay?

I hated it so much.

Every week...

I had it every Saturday.

That was my least favorite week-- day of the week, for that year, and I would scream and cry before the swimming class because I was afraid I was going to drown.

Because I don't want my life to be over yet.

Actually, I'm afraid of death, but out of all the ways to die, I don't want to drown.

I don't want to drown, okay?

[drumbeat plays]

[light jazz music plays]

-[boy] John, suck in your gut. -[John] Oh...

Hi, I'm John Mulaney, and this is the Sack Lunch Bunch.

-[children] Oh, hi! -[boy] Oh, hi there!

Hey, welcome to the show.

-May I go to the bathroom? -Yeah, uh, sure.

What you're about to see is a children's TV special, and I made it on purpose.

It's a show for kids by adults with kids present.

Recently, I watched children's TV and I didn't like it at all.

But I liked it when I was a kid, which means it was better back then.

So I made it like then.

I have no children of my own, and that's by choice.

Sometimes I say, "I don't have kids yet," but that's just to appease certain people.

Getting to know the Sack Lunch crew, though--

I mean, we hung out a lot.

I realize these kids have a lot on their minds that I want to explore.

-[girl] Can I ask a question? -Yeah, sh**t.

-What's the tone of this show? -How do you mean?

She means, is it ironic, or do you like doing a children's show?

We talk a lot about that. That's the million dollar question.

Well, first off, I like doing the show.

I mean, The Sack Lunch Bunch is fun.

But honestly, like, if this doesn't turn out great, I think we should all be like, "Oh, it was ironic."

And then people will be like, "Oh, that's hilarious."

But if it turns out very good, be like, "Oh, thank you, we worked really hard," and act fake humble, and then you win either way.

That's the first lesson of this special, I just decided.

[twinkling]

You can go very far in life

-if you pretend to know what you're doing. -[pen scratches]

-[bell dings] -A lot of people in TV thrive that way.

Name names.

Sister, I could for hours.

[variety show music plays]

♪ It's John Mulaney ♪

♪ And the Sack Lunch Bunch ♪

♪ We're gonna have a lot of fun ♪

♪ Gotta lotta songs and guest stars too ♪

♪ Well, actually for guest stars There's only one ♪

♪ Let's all see what's on kids' minds ♪

♪ The guest star's name is Richard Kind ♪

♪ What adventures will we find ♪

♪ Hangin' with the Sack Lunch Bunch? ♪

♪ We'll keep hangin' on ♪

♪ With the Sack Lunch Bunch ♪

♪ With the Sack Lunch Bunch ♪

♪ With the Sack Lunch Bunch ♪

♪ Hangin' with the Sack Lunch Bunch ♪

[song fades]

[synth transitional music plays]

[John] Can you spot the differences between these two images?

[buzzer sounds]

[John chuckles] That's right.

[pleasant music plays]

Markers down!

Okay, I asked you all to draw your grandparents for some reason.

Let's take a look.

Orson, who do we have here?

These your grandparents?

All right, green. They're green, okay.

Alex, what do you have?

Well, this is my Grandpa Joe and my Grandma Katherine.

[John] Ooh.

Yeah, that's definitely them.

That's Joe Jackson and Katherine Jackson.

-Uh, your mother is their daughter? -My father.

-Your father is-- -My father's parents.

Your father is their son.

How to phrase?

Uh, was your dad, like, a very popular singer when he was a kid and then an even bigger singer when he was an adult, or just the first part?

I'll be candid.

My dad is Marlon Jackson of the Jackson 5.

[John exhales] Oh.

Marlon. I have no questions about him.

Did you have grandparents, John?

In a sense.

I mean, both of my parents had two parents, so, yeah.

[chuckles] And then there was this guy, Paul.

[Cordelia] John?

Who's Paul?

Well, Cordelia, sometimes elderly people go steady.

-They do? -[John] Yeah.

Funny, when I was a kid, I used to sing a song about Paul.

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

[John hums melodically]

[upbeat music plays]

[birds chirping]

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ It's a little weird at first ♪

♪ But then you say it twice ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ And I think he's pretty nice ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ And her boyfriend's name is Paul ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ Everyone don't like him ♪

♪ He's almost eighty-eight ♪

[door closes]

♪ My aunts say they don't trust him ♪

♪ But me, I think he's great ♪

[Jake] ♪ Grandma's boyfriend Paul ♪

♪ No, they don't like Paul at all ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

[Jake] ♪ Why does everyone hate Paul? ♪ He ain't k*lled my grandpa!

♪ He don't do nothin' at all ♪

♪ He just reads his mysteries ♪

♪ Yeah, you can solve 'em, Paul ♪

♪ Grandma's boyfriend Paul ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ I asked Mom, "What's the fuss? ♪

♪ Grandma's in love again" ♪

♪ Mom said, "But Paul ♪

♪ He's always hummin' ♪

-♪ Gilbert and Sullivan" ♪ [Paul hums]

♪ That ain't fair to Paul ♪

♪ That he shouldn't hum at all ♪

♪ He also eats all the cashews ♪

♪ His son lives down in Maryland ♪

♪ I guess he lost his wife ♪

♪ I should ask "What's your story, man?" ♪

[motorcycle engine revs] -♪ I bet old Paul had quite a life ♪

♪ Grandma's boyfriend Paul ♪

♪ He calls waiters "garçon" ♪

[distant explosions]

♪ The fella fought on D-Day ♪

♪ Grandma brought Paul To our cousin's christenin' ♪

♪ She wore a brooch That Grandpa gave to her before he died ♪

♪ Well, my mom and aunts ♪

♪ Oh, they went crazy ♪

♪ They yelled about the brooch ♪

♪ Till Grandma cried ♪

♪ Don't you make Grandma cry ♪

♪ Paul, Lord, he tried to intervene ♪

♪ No, no, Paul, big mistake ♪

♪ I said, "Paul, listen This is not your fight" ♪

♪ Stay out of it, Paul! ♪

♪ "These women would love A reason to destroy you" ♪

[women] ♪ Easily provoked ♪

-♪ "They'll scream..." ♪ -You're not our dad!

♪ "...at you all night" ♪

♪ Mom, I know you miss your dad ♪ Hell, I miss Grandpa, too.

♪ But it ain't Paul's fault That he's gone ♪

♪ So what is wrong with you? ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ And her boyfriend's name is Paul ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ I really like you, Paul ♪

[women] ♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ I really like you, Paul ♪

[song fades]

[Jake hums dramatically]

That was the song.

Whatever happened to Paul?

Well, Cordelia, sometimes heaven needs one extra special--

No, no, no. I know he died.

He was 88 in 1990. I want to know when and how he croaked.

Okay, when he's 89, he has a series of strokes.

Lives.

Then he gets colon cancer, beats it.

Then my grandmother k*lled him with a g*n thinking he was an intruder, and that's how he died.

Whoa. Sounds like old Paul had quite a life.

He certainly did.

He's no Marlon Jackson, but...

[variety show instrumentals]

[John] Hey! What are you reading?

Have you ever spied on your parents?

Well, a boy named Sascha does in the book I read this week called Sascha's Dad Does Drag.

-[curious music plays] -One night, Sascha's lying in bed when he hears...

[Jonah] Clonk, clonk, clonk...

He sneaks downstairs to see what the noise was.

Is it a woodpecker?

Is it a hammer?

No!

It's his dad, in size-11 platform heels, bad padding, fishnets, and a cheap Supremes wig.

His mom says, "Good luck, honey,"

-and his dad walked out the door. [footsteps echoing]

[door closes] But Sascha, quiet as a mouse, snuck into the back seat and hid under a blanket.

[engine turns over]

Then they drove and drove and drove.

Then they got to the Duplex, and Sascha saw a sign that said, "Amateur Drag Night."

Sascha knew that the Duplex meant one thing: his dad better have the realness.

But his dad did not.

Sascha leaned against the bar next to some vicious queens.

-[feedback whines] -His dad went into a low-rent version of Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love," and the queens pounced.

[roaring screams] -"She should take her 1997 worn-out drag to the Museum of Natural History because that is a dinosaur."

And even though Sascha was embarrassed, he couldn't deny they were right to throw shade.

[mellow jazz music plays]

Sascha went outside to see his dad dragging a roller suitcase.

"Dad, I didn't know you did drag," Sascha says.

"Because you don't.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it because, like a chubby queen in a corset, the truth always has a way of spilling out."

The rest of the book is them updating his tired act.

And even though his dad doesn't win the Astoria Glamour Drag Ball, it's still pages of fun.

My one critique is that it focuses too much on the New York drag scene and not the West Coast and Southern houses.

If you want to read a book that I give five out of five pencils, pick up Sascha's Dad Does Drag and the Act Needs Work at your local library.

[quirky instrumentals]

[disjointed musical instruments]

[subway alert chimes]

[chuckles] Okay.

First off, I want to thank all of you for helping us with this focus group for Sony Animation's new movie, Bamboo 2: Bamboozled.

It's the sequel to Bamboo, which came out in 2009 before any of you were born.

Now, you've just seen the first and final cut of the film.

It's 84 minutes long. We'd love to get any reactions you have.

First thoughts, there are no wrong answers. Yes?

Um, the reason I like this movie... is because it's my favorite movie of all time.

Interesting. Now, you said the same thing last weekend at the focus group for Minions 7: President Minions.

Minions 7: President Minions was my favorite movie, but that movie is nothing to me now.

That is the past.

I am a new woman.

-You're all about Bamboo 2 now? -[Lexi] Yeah.

Bamboo 2: Bamboozled is my identity now.

It's my Halloween costume, my birthday theme, my thermos. It will be my favorite--

-Hold on. I'm writing this down. -[Lexi] Good.

It will be my favorite movie forever.

[John] Wow.

Strong words.

Raise your hands if this movie that you just saw, Bamboo 2: Bamboozled, is your favorite movie of all time.

Okay, that's unanimous.

And who among you thinks you might run home and tell the entire plot of the movie breathlessly to the first adult they see?

In the movie, the koala, Kimmy, has--

Yeah, I produced it, I know. But yeah.

Kimmy the Koala has to go find her mojo, so she goes to the jungle, and then they fall in the mud, -and at the end there's a song. -Yeah.

One part I forgot was when the kangaroo falls on his butt.

Could we use that entire thing as the log line to the movie?

You may.

All right.

Let's talk about some of the characters. Sir?

Excuse me.

Um, the woman said I could leave at 5:00, but I can leave at 5:30.

That's great feedback. Thank you.

Now, the studio spared no expense getting some very big names to voice the different, you know, animals or whatever.

Who knows who did the voice of Benji the c*ck?

[together] Mark Ruffalo!

[John] That's right! Mark Ruffalo!

From You Can Count On Me.

HBO's The Normal Heart.

Would you raise your hands if knowing that Mark Ruffalo is doing the voice of the c*ck enhanced your experience of the movie?

That is unanimous. Okay.

And who do we think did the voice of Kiki the Boa Constrictor?

Elizabeth Banks.

At first I was like, "Who is this? Is it Anna Kendrick?

Is it Elizabeth Banks?"

And it was.

Wasn't Anna Kendrick Dottie the Dodo?

Very good. It was Anna Kendrick.

But who knows who did the voice of her husband and/or brother, Danny the Dodo?

[Linder] It was definitely someone, and, frankly, it was driving me crazy.

Okay, raise your hands if you could tell that the voice of Danny the Dodo was someone, but you couldn't quite place him.

It was Jeremy Renner.

[children] Oh!

Oh, yeah. Finally.

Now, the wise old wombat--

-Mandy Patinkin! -[John] Yes!

Mandy Patinkin. How early did you know?

Immediately.

As soon as he exhaled through his nose, I turned to the man next to me and said, "That's our Mandy!"

You were sitting next to a man you didn't know?

When I came back from the bathroom, I sat next to the wrong dad.

How many times did you go to the bathroom?

-Five. Four productive. -[John] Hm.

-One thing! -Yes.

My name's Isabella.

This is my favorite movie.

I went to the bathroom nine times.

I just want to tell you about what happens in this one scene of the movie.

I produced it, so I know. But yeah.

All the lady emus are at the water, and then the song comes in.

Ah, the song, "Today Is the Day" by Ed Sheeran, written for this movie, but not in context.

The song comes on and they, like...

And then they go...

[quick footsteps]

Yeah. Yep.

[John] The scene where they dance around, yeah.

They do dance around. Okay.

Thank you so much for that.

Now, when they're down at the river, Arnold the Wombat--

[all] Dax Shepard!

Absolutely is Dax Shepard.

...says something is "fake news."

Now, did any of you get that joke?

[John] No? Okay.

Did anyone's parents laugh at that joke?

Yeah. A light laugh?

An acknowledgment.

That's all it deserves.

I can't thank you enough for this.

You've given us your feedback, but more importantly, you've given us your time.

Now, no one goes home empty-handed, so as you're leaving, some woman is gonna give you a backpack shaped like a koala that's fairly useless, and it is filled with tubes of yogurt.

[children scream with delight]

Thank you so much.

[Orson] Thank you.

[John] Uh, could you tell us, what's one of your biggest fears?

I have a fear of playing soccer.

My biggest fear... is being too scared to take risks.

...of needles and pigeons.

[John] Do you find the world is a scary place or a not scary place?

Scary place.

[John] You think-- Like, everyday life is scary?

Yes.

That's another one of my biggest fears: home invasions.

I don't want anyone in my home.

One of my biggest fears is, like, tarantulas and spiders and bugs in general.

But another one is, like, if I get under a 90% on a test, my mom gets really mad.

And when my mom gets mad, um, I'm toast.

[John] Are you afraid of a lone pigeon?

I don't know what that means.

[John] Sorry. If you saw one single pigeon, not a flock.

Probably not.

If there were, like, three or more then I would probably be afraid.

[John] When three or more pigeons are gathered.

-Uh-huh. -[John] Yeah.

Are there any fears that are your mom's fears that you feel like you've gotten from her?

Yeah, definitely home invasions.

[musical interlude]

[John] Can you guess what we're looking at before we zoom out?

[digital beeping]

You see it every day.

[continued beeping]

[John chuckles] Keep guessing.

It's the October '95 issue of People magazine featuring Larry Hagman's death scare.

[children] Yeah!

[light R&B music plays]

-[birds chirping] -[dog barking]

But why do I need an algebra tutor?

Because you're not good at it.

Now, I talked to the parents at your school, the rich parents.

They say this tutor is a miracle worker.

Those were their words. A miracle worker.

[doorbell rings]

There he is.

You listen.

Hello, you must be--

Call me "the Tutor."

My valise.

My textbooks, a few toiletries and incidentals.

So, which one of you is the 12-year-old boy, Jonah?

Him or you?

He is.

This is your math exam.

Sit!

Disgraceful.

This guy is great.

Who cares if I'm bad at algebra? I'm never gonna need it in real life.

What you know about real life could fit into a thimble on the thumb of tiny Jiminy Cricket.

[the Tutor] Understand?

-I used to be like you. -[wistful music plays]

Didn't care for school.

Didn't care for math.

Loved Creole cooking and Chopin.

Just like you.

I thought, "When will I ever need algebra?"

-[the Tutor] You know what, Jonah? -What?

If I had known algebra, I would not have lost my eye.

I'll sing a song about karmic wrath.

How I lost my eye because I didn't know math!

[big band music plays]

Please welcome some of my pupils.

♪ By age 13 I was weary of school ♪

♪ Thought doing your homework Was the work of a fool ♪

♪ Dropped out in a flash ♪

♪ And abracadabra ♪

♪ No more reading ♪

♪ No more... ♪

♪ Algebra ♪

[children] ♪ There's a high-rolling world That he wanted to join ♪

♪ Full of passion, fashion Cash and coin ♪

♪ If you have pocket change Shake, shake, shake ♪

[coins jingle]

I have coins up on the dresser!

♪ My principal was a hundred and four ♪

♪ Folks said she was a witch Hair down to the floor ♪

♪ She cackled through a cigarette And said to me ♪

"Not knowing algebra will change the way that you see!"

I got the change!

Too late!

♪ You're starting to see how algebra ♪

♪ Will save your eye ♪ Not really.

♪ It's as clear as the sky ♪

♪ No need to clarify ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ If you still don't see how algebra ♪

♪ Will save your eye ♪ You keep saying that.

♪ Just keep listenin' And I'll tell you why ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

[melodically] Hey there, Tutor.

[melodically] Yes, that's me.

What's it like with only one eye to see?

With only one eye, I can never look twice.

But when you buy a pair of shades, they're always half-price! [laughs]

Dad, did you rehearse this?

[big band music continues]

♪ I was out in the world My school days over ♪

♪ Working for a wealthy woman As her chauffeur ♪

♪ Her husband always traveled And she craved relations ♪

[all] ♪ She didn't care That I didn't know equations ♪

♪ Till the day the husband came Looking for his wife ♪

♪ With a jealous heart ♪

♪ And an eye-poking knife ♪

♪ Madam thought fast Said "Pretend you were ♪

♪ Over in the house as a math tutor" ♪

♪ Husband comes in Said, "I hear you know math" ♪

♪ I'm as naked as a baby in a bath ♪

♪ He wrote a problem and I got scared ♪

♪ "If B is three What is AX squared?" ♪

♪ I took a pencil from the man And I did my best ♪

♪ I drew a stick figure Of a lady with breasts ♪

♪ He was not amused Threw me 'gainst the wall ♪

♪ And pointed his knife at my eyeball! ♪

[music cuts out]

-♪ But then the phone rang ♪ [music fades back in]

-♪ That was next to the bed ♪ [children harmonize]

♪ The husband picked it up ♪

♪ And found that Princess Di was dead ♪

♪ And in the commotion ♪

[children harmonize] -♪ Of the emotion ♪

♪ I escaped ♪

♪ Both eyes intact ♪

[music cuts out]

♪ A ta, a ta ♪

♪ A twelve, five, nine ♪

-♪ So now you see that algebra ♪ [song resumes]

♪ Will save your eye ♪

♪ My story makes sense ♪

-♪ On that you can rely ♪ -♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ You're not confused how algebra Relates to my eye ♪

♪ I solved for X ♪

-♪ Solved for X ♪ [Tutor] ♪ And now you'd better ♪

-♪ Solve for Y ♪ -[children vocalize]

♪ Algebra song! ♪

[high note continues]

♪ Vamp! ♪

♪ Vamp! ♪

♪ Vamp! ♪

♪ Vamp! ♪

-♪ Vamp! ♪ [chorus of instruments]

-[continued clapping] -[John] Ah!

-Any questions? -[Jonah] Yes.

How did you lose your eye?

A couple years ago, I poked it out with my umbrella while doing the song.

[both] Oh!

The umbrella.

I don't have any fears.

I believe fear, like any prejudice, or bias, or predisposition, is taught, and therefore learned.

It's the way we control one another in this world, in this American society.

I know that fear is false, an illusion.

[off-key instrumentals]

-[pleasant music plays] -Hey, kids, who's blue, furry, and seven feet tall?

-[children] Googy! -[upbeat music plays]

[upbeat choir singers] ♪ Go, Googy, go, Googy, go! ♪

♪ Googy! ♪ Googy went to the park yesterday and he had a pretty Googy time.

Let's take a look.

-[cheerful song plays] -[children] Hi, Googy! Run far!

[twinkling piano notes]

No, Googy! Run further!

[hurried xylophone notes]

Hey, Googy! Run near!

No, Googy! Faster!

[pattering footsteps]

Now run around and around!

-[thudding footsteps] -[children laugh]

Googy, Googy is his name! Googy goes wherever we say!

Go, Googy, go!

Go, Googy, go!

[somber piano music plays]

[John] Catch you later, Googy.

And thank you.

Up next, we're gonna meet a spinster--

-[girl] Oh, whoa! -What was that picture?

Did you tell 'em about Ronnie?

Uh, okay, I'm sorry, guys.

I'm sorry that no one told you that Ronnie DiMaria, the guy who played Googy, died yesterday.

Wait, what?

Oh, did you not know there was a guy in the Googy costume?

Yeah, that bald male actor with the mustache, he was Googy.

So every time you hugged Googy, you were actually hugging Ronnie DiMaria.

But you're not anymore because Ronnie DiMaria died yesterday.

I think I once saw that guy coming out of the bathroom.

Yeah, that would have been Ronnie. [chuckles]

But you know what?

He died doing what he loved.

Dressing up in the Googy costume, and running around to make people laugh.

He died during the sh**t?

Those are supposed to be funny?

They're supposed to be fun. They're, like, energy.

I dunno. They help with transitions in the show.

And, no, Oriah, he didn't die during the sh**t.

He died well after he wrapped, when he was already in his car.

Because he was running around in the costume?

No, the costume had nothing to do with it

'cause he died so long after he wrapped sh**ting.

Right, Tyler? You were there.

My call time was at 3:00, and he was dead at 3:00.

Look, listen.

[inhales sharply]

Ronnie had an enlarged heart.

And isn't that kinda fitting?

That he died 'cause his heart was too big?

You knew about his medical condition?

Well, I seem to recall a group of kids yelling, "Run, Googy, run."

-[children clamoring] -Oh, yes. Shoe's on the other foot.

That's a big lie!

Those are recorded out of context.

Look, I don't wanna talk about his death anymore.

I wanna watch clips of him when he was alive, making us laugh.

I'm still surprised those were supposed to be funny.

They're funny in Europe. Roll tape.

[cheerful music plays]

[children] Go, Googy! Work out!

[twinkling piano notes]

Go, Googy! Sauna!

[steam hisses]

Don't be alone, Googy! Make a friend!

Googy, meet Binky! Friendship!

[somber piano music plays]

-[Tyler] Oh, no. -[Alex] Not Binky.

[John] Don't worry, kids.

Denny Greenberg, the actor who played Binky--

Binky is an actor in a costume-- is not dead.

-He is... -[drum roll]

-[cymbal crash] -...missing!

Did he have known mental health issues?

Did he have no mental health issues?

-He's a deranged adult running around-- -I said, -"Did he have known mental health issues?" -Oh, I misheard you.

Yes, Denny Greenberg had schizophrenia, which many people have.

[John] Anyway, he will come home, Binky will, and he will be alive, not dead.

Then why do you have a photo for him like he was dead?

Oh, I have "in memoriam" photos for everyone in the cast.

Does anyone want to see theirs?

No? All right, I'll show you mine.

Can we see mine?

[John chuckles] Oh, no. No, that's Suri's.

Sorry.

I'm very sorry, Suri.

All right, there I am. See? That's nice.

That's me doing stand-up, and it says 1982 to who knows when.

Hopefully, a very long time.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

-[bell dings] -[children] Friendship!

Um, I'm scared of clowns.

I am also afraid of clowns.

"Oh, no, I'm too scared to leave the house.

A clown might get me."

And they were like, "You know what? We're gonna take her to therapy."

Around October 2016, around that, a lot of clown sightings were happening.

There were clown scares where, like, people were just, like, threatening other people in clown suits.

You sit on a couch, then the therapist is sitting on a chair, and they pull up these random pictures of clowns.

I was, like, really cautious from that point on, from, like, being aware of my surroundings and everything like that.

And, like, one week, the clown was, like, really scary, and I almost died.

But I didn't die.

So, that Halloween came, and I saw a clown on the street in an apartment building, like, ringing the doorbell, and I was like, "Oh, no, I'm going across the street."

So, I cross the street, and I avoided contact. So, yeah.

[John] Have you ever thought of dressing as a clown

-and facing yourself in the mirror? -Actually, the therapist made me do that.

She made me put on a costume.

And then she was like, "Okay, let's put on makeup."

I'm like, "No, I'm good."

So, then I left... in the costume!

[John] You said during the time of the clown sightings...

-Yes. -...it was something people talked about.

It was something people talked about.

-[John] In October of 2016. -Mm-hmm.

[John] Did you like this therapist?

I mean, she was just trying to help me get over my fears, you know?

-[John] That's one way to look at it, yes. -[giggles] Yeah.

[popping]

[woman] Transfer is available to the M15 select bus service.

[pleasant music plays]

Hey, Sack Lunch Bunch.

-[Lexi] Hey, John. -[Cordelia] What's up, John?

I thought you had therapy.

No, apparently my therapist is out of town for the month.

So, I get to eat lunch with you.

♪ And lunch is the best part of the day ♪ Not for everyone.

Some people find meal time quite difficult, Mulaney!

What got into you?

Oh, do you have one of those allergies?

'Cause this is chock-full of peanuts.

I'm sorry, I flew off the handle there.

-It's all right. -It's just, I only like one food.

And I think it's gonna make my life so hard.

[soulful music plays]

Is there another set? Am I paying for this?

♪ I hate to make a scene at a restaurant ♪

♪ But there's only one meal That I ever want ♪

♪ Just noodles with butter And not too much ♪

♪ And they have to be the tube kind ♪

♪ Or I won't touch ♪

♪ We were once on a cruise And the waiters got to know me ♪

♪ Before my family ordered They would bring me macaroni ♪

♪ A plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

♪ But life ain't a cruise ship It's a boat without a rudder ♪

♪ Yeah, a plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

♪ It's the only thing I'll eat ♪

♪ I've tried steak and chicken And lots of different fishes ♪

♪ But I just want my noodles Even though they're not nutritious ♪

♪ They say be myself And live the life I want ♪

♪ Except when I want noodles At a fancy restaurant ♪

♪ I know that I'm not normal ♪

♪ I feel alone and lonely ♪

♪ I'm the only living boy ♪

♪ Who just wants macaroni ♪

♪ I just want macaroni ♪

♪ Just a plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

♪ 'Cause I've tried every food And I haven't liked another ♪

♪ A plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

♪ Is the only thing I'll eat ♪

♪ And on my wedding day While my bride is eating lobster ♪

♪ Will I still be saying ♪

♪ "Can I please just have some pasta?" ♪

♪ A plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

♪ I've tried every food And I haven't liked another ♪

♪ A plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

♪ It's the only thing I'll eat ♪

♪ Just a plain plate of noodles ♪

[children] ♪ A plain plate of noodles ♪

♪ A plain plate of noodles ♪

[children] ♪ A plain plate of noodles ♪

♪ A plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

♪ A plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

[children] ♪ A plain plate of noodles With a little bit of butter ♪

♪ 'Cause I've tried every food ♪

[children] ♪ He's tried every food ♪

[Orson] ♪ Lord, I've tried every food ♪

[children] ♪ He's tried every food ♪

♪ And I haven't liked ♪

♪ Another ♪

♪ It's the only thing I'll eat ♪

[song fades]

[spotlight slams off]

My biggest fear is escalators.

I don't like the way they move up and down so quickly, and that you're supposed to know when to jump on.

Another one of my biggest fears is sitting on a toilet and having the water automatically flush, I don't like that.

And nuclear disaster. Chernobyl.

[scoffs] Nightmare.

[John] What was your first acting job when you were a kid?

I do recall... many, many, many commercials involving Minute Maid concentrate.

My favorite is...

♪ The women of Robotech ♪

♪ Living a life of adventure ♪ Uh, which I'm assuming was for a robot-style Barbie doll.

["Carlotta's Portrait" from Vertigo playing]

[John] Shall we play?

[Tyler] I haven't even started telling you about the basics or everything, but why not?

Do you think a dog knows it's in a movie?

Dogs are smart animals.

Not the smartest, but definitely smart.

You're playing mind games with me.

Filling my head with incorrect data, aren't you?

So that I make a mistake.

Yeah, and then you lose.

And the time goes... tick-tock.

And then I win.

You know the moon landing... it never happened.

It was faked.

What moon landing?

There were many.

Oh, I meant the famous one.

Apollo 11.

It was fake?

[John] Staged, yes.

-Oh. -[clicks timer]

I haven't had a dream in over... seven months.

I haven't had a dream in, like... since yesterday.

When you talk about rooks or knights, a.k.a. a horse, this is a knight.

Even though it looks like a horse, but it's a knight.

I would've named it "the horse."

Me too. But, you know...

I call Friday "Ty-day."

Because your name is Tyler.

Yes.

I call this thousand-year period "the Mulaney-um."

Oh.

I think that's just as clever as "Ty-day."

[John] What do you do to relax, to unwind at the end of the day?

[Tyler] Get in the car.

I just drive.

Nowhere in particular?

Wherever the sun takes me.

[chuckles] Seems like everything in life works out for you.

Okay, kind of.

In retrospect, it kinda does.

Do you feel you're old enough for retrospect?

-No, not really. -Yeah.

I don't even know what it means, I just brought up a fancy word.

I watch a lot of stand-up comedy.

Oh, really? Uh...

What's your favorite comedy special?

Nanette.

Right.

So, Tyler, what's your biggest fear?

Well, I don't want to bring the room down, but I guess I'd say... dying in my sleep.

Checkmate!

[big band instrumentals]

-[variety show music plays] -[frantic chomping]

[cheerful theater music plays]

♪ I wanna play restaurant ♪

♪ Would you like to play restaurant? ♪

♪ Oh, won't you play restaurant ♪

♪ With me? ♪

♪ I've never played restaurant ♪

♪ Oh, please play restaurant ♪

♪ Okay, I'll play restaurant ♪

♪ With you ♪ Hi, may I eat dinner at your restaurant?

I'm sorry, we are closed for a private event.

-Oh, but the woman said-- -We are closed for a private event.

It says on our website to always call, as we do close for larger parties.

-Uh, could I order, like, an entree-- -Sir, we are closed.

Okay, sorry.

Uh, we will call ahead the next time. [chuckles]

Okay.

[final musical notes]

-[pop music plays] -[girls giggling]

-[music fades] -Okay, Girl Talk, I'm here for you.

I'm an open book, so ask me anything. Girl Talk, go ahead.

Actually, who did you play in A Bug's Life?

-In A Bug's Life? -Yeah.

Oh, I was...

I was Molt, but you won't remember the name.

But I was-- Remember the angry grasshopper?

-[all gasp] Yeah! -I was his brother.

-Really?! -[Cordelia gasps]

Girl Talk, what's your favorite movie?

If I ever have to say a movie not a lot of people know, and they say, "Okay, what is your favorite movie I don't know?"

And I encourage you to watch this movie.

It's called Witness for the Prosecution.

I know!

What a weird name!

Witness for the Prosecution.

You've been in tons of movies and had tons of roles.

-Yes. -And us three, we're actors.

Do you have any advice for us?

Yes, Girl Talk, I do.

You ever done a play?

[all] Yes.

Can I tell you something, Girl Talk?

That's one of my favorite things about doing a play, is that you become a community and you see each other every night, yeah, and you say, "I'm going to remember you forever.

You'll be my best friends forever."

And you know what, Girl Talk?

Six months later, you forget them.

Isn't that terrible?

You'll forget them, and you'll go meet another group, another cast--

I don't.

-You don't forget them? -No.

You've been in one play!

I've had a few roles, and I love them all.

-You don't have a favorite? -[Ava] No.

Do you have a favorite?

Well, I've only done one. [laughs]

-So, that is your favorite. -Yeah.

-Are you sure about that? -Yes.

-Girl Talk, you're positive? -Yeah, Girl Talk.

[Richard] Okay, fine.

♪ It's a hard knock life ♪

-♪ For me! ♪ [girls] ♪ For us! ♪

[Richard] ♪ It's... ♪ Go ahead, you... [laughter]

-[Richard laughs] -[pop music outro]

[John] Could you tell us, uh, your biggest fears?

I got three: heights, spiders, snakes.

Do you want something emotional as a biggest fear?

[John] Do you have something emotional?

[Richard] I think I'm a smart person, and I hate when I show how not smart I am.

I start talking and in the middle of it all, you realize you're an amateur, you're-- you're being dumb.

It's a huge fear of mine, just realizing how dumb I am, and knowing that they're realizing how dumb I am.

[John] Do you have larger existential fears?

A ladder scares the pants off me.

-[whimsical harp] -[variety show music plays]

[John] Born June 23rd, this celebrity has made a difference worldwide.

[clock ticking]

[alarm rings]

Did you guess the Welsh pop singer woman, Duffy?

[children] Yeah!

[John] You're correct.

[mellow jazz plays]

[glass clinking]

Everybody, shh. Thank you all for coming.

What a great party to celebrate our architect.

You know, this remodel cost us an arm and a leg, and then another arm and a leg.

-[laughter] -[John laughs heartily]

What's that, honey?

[indistinct whispering]

Oh, Lexi has a little play that she'd like to perform that she put together for all of us.

Let's hope it's better than her dad's Super Bowl picks, otherwise...

[speaks gibberish]

-[laughter] -[John laughs]

-Okay, and it's called...? -[hushed] It doesn't have a name.

Okay, Lexi's thing. All right, here we go.

-Here's Lexi. -[John, eliciting Carson] Here's Johnny!

Um, so, first is that...

[indistinct conversations]

Who wants to pick a card?

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me.

The first part of this is...

-[muffled chatter intensifies] -Excuse me.

You aren't listening.

[voice echoes] No one is paying attention!

[new wave rock music playing]

[laughter]

[indistinct conversations continue]

♪ You promised that you'd stop talking ♪

♪ When will the chattering end? ♪

♪ You know I practiced for hours ♪

♪ I even brought in a friend ♪

♪ Well, I recall an announcement ♪ Shh!

♪ That Lexi's mother just gave ♪

♪ She said, "Our little Lexi's Prepared us a skit ♪

♪ The kind you're going to crave" ♪

♪ No one is paying attention ♪

♪ That guy just went to the fridge ♪

♪ We don't do this for the money ♪

♪ We don't accept every gig ♪

♪ Well, guess what things You are missing ♪

[phone keyboard clacking]

♪ What we had planned for this crowd ♪

♪ Four minutes of total perfection ♪

♪ But that bald guy talked too loud ♪ Dude!

♪ I'd wear my mom's blazer ♪

♪ So I could play a newscaster ♪

♪ The news is that There is a new funny song ♪

♪ You'd all burst into cheers And laughter ♪

♪ We'd stuff pillows in shirts To look fat ♪

♪ We'd take a blanket And wrap up the cat ♪

♪ The cat would be our baby too ♪

♪ Are we some kind of joke ♪

♪ To you? ♪

[zapping]

And then...

♪ We'd both act out all of Frozen ♪

[wind blowing]

♪ Then I would do a cartwheel ♪

♪ And then when she's done a cartwheel ♪

♪ I will also do a cartwheel ♪

♪ But you don't value our vision ♪

♪ You keep talking while we lip-synch ♪

♪ And Mom whose side is it you're on? ♪

♪ Shushing all your friends with a wink ♪

♪ You have to pay attention ♪

♪ This is a very big deal ♪

♪ We even fought about who sang what ♪

♪ But now our friendship is healed ♪

[both] ♪ You are not paying attention ♪

♪ So watch us run off in tears ♪

♪ You will regret The skit you missed out on ♪

♪ You will regret it for years ♪

Mom's friend, Patti!

[both] ♪ Pay attention! ♪ Her adult son!

[both] ♪ Pay attention! ♪

[David Byrne] Some guy's wife!

♪ Pay attention! ♪

[David Byrne] Man with mustache!

[both] We respect you!

Ronald Reagan!

[both] ♪ Pay attention! ♪ Oh, wait. He died.

[both] Never mind!

[David Byrne] Everybody!

♪ Pay attention! ♪

♪ Pay attention! ♪

♪ Pay attention! ♪

[grumbling male voice speaking gibberish]

[angelic chorus singing]

I actually watched the trailer of Us while I was watching a YouTube show.

I just couldn't go to bed because that trailer was stuck in my mind.

And now I'm just, like, watching out for my, like, evil twin.

My biggest fear is doppelgängers k*lling me.

[John] And, Linder, where did you develop that fear?

When I saw the movie Us.

-[John] Then the Us trailer popped up... -Yeah..

-...out of nowhere? -Out of nowhere.

[John] You did not ask for Jordan Peele's Us?

Not at all.

[John] If you didn't know about Bloody Mary, and you didn't know about Momo, and you hadn't seen Babadook, and you had not seen Us by Jordan Peele, would you have any fears?

Get Out.

[laughter]

I like the movie Get Out.

That's because it's also made by Jordan Peele, and falls in the floor, which is scary, and, like, tries to take the eyes and stuff, and it's really weird.

It's also really good.

[keyboard clacking]

-[quirky squeak] -[indistinct grumbling]

[pleasant music plays]

You can do science in your own home, okay?

Today, we're growing sweet potatoes in an egg carton cup using dirt and these sticks.

Let's add the three-quarter cup of water that it says.

All right.

Evenly disperse.

Then, without moving the sticks, lift your egg cup tray...

Which-- Oh, this is-- Okay.

I don't-- How married are we to doing this?

-[Linder] I don't care. -[John] I don't want to.

[Jonah] No, thanks.

Um, Mom, can I get my water bottle?

-[children laugh] -[John guffaws]

Did you hear what he said?

[laughing] That's funny. You hear what he said? He called me "Mom."

That means you talk to your mom.

-[laughing] -He called Ms. Mulaney "Mom."

No, you said-- You called me "Ms. Mulaney."

Instead of "Mr."

We call you "Ms. Mulaney" when you're in one of your moods.

Sorry?

Oh, what did Richard Kind call him the other day?

-"Madam Secretary." -[John] Oh.

And when did Richard say that?

On the group text.

Oh, are you not...?

No, I'm not on the group text.

[Camille] I thought he was the 323 number.

[Linder] That's Bo Burnham.

-[pensive music plays] -[Camille] I never added him.

Zell, what's wrong?

I was just wondering...

It sounds silly, but... do they?

[mellow alternative music plays]

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

-♪ I can't picture them ♪ [backing choir harmonizes]

♪ Petal nor stem ♪

♪ Underneath the bright moonlight ♪

♪ I keep meaning to check ♪

♪ But I always forget ♪

♪ To ask if flowers exist at night ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist ♪

[both harmonizing] ♪ At night? ♪

[both harmonizing] ♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ At night in the park ♪

♪ Do they bloom in the dark? ♪

-♪ Or do they hide until sunrise? ♪ [twinkling]

♪ It shouldn't be hard ♪

♪ One night to creep in the yard ♪

[both harmonizing] ♪ And catch those night flowers ♪

♪ By surprise ♪

[woman holds high note] -♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

[note continues] -♪ Do flowers exist at night? ♪

[full chorus] ♪ Do flowers exist at ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at ♪

♪ Do flowers exist at ♪

[Zell, holding note] ♪ Night? ♪

[gong sounds]

[John] Do you have any nightmares, Jonah, that you remember?

It was about a witch.

She came to the house and, like, she made all the electric go away.

She made it dark forever.

And then, eventually, Tinkerbell came, and she turned on all the lights.

[woman] Do you feel like there's a Tinkerbell in your real life who makes lights come on when things are scary?

No, I think it was just in my nightmare.

My bed has to be towards some kind of wall.

So, like, if the wall's right here, and I'm sleeping here, I have to turn out this way so I can see the whole room.

Because if I'm turning the other way, like, a demon will get you.

[woman] Is that lore, or just you decided that?

What's "lore"?

[John] How long have you been afraid of dying in your sleep?

Probably about, like, one year.

'Cause then one day I just thought of it.

Like, someone could rob your house, grab a knife, and then they-- [imitates slashing]

I was like, "Oh my God. What if this happens to me?"

This would just be so terrifying.

[John] But if you had a nightmare, what would you do?

There is a little doll that I have named Little Witchy.

She's been with me all my life.

It's a little witch that's, like, this big.

And I lay on my bed, and I hold her all the time.

It makes me feel happy because I have comfort.

And at this moment, we have matching pajamas that I wear not every night, because I got to wash my clothes, but I mostly wear them a lot to match with her, yeah. [laughs]

[Camille] When I was a little kid, I would have nightmares where, like... they would, like, say my name, and then I would just get freaked out.

[John] Do you mind me asking who's "they"?

I don't know, just like... random people.

Yeah.

[woman] What is it about hearing your name that seems... scary?

It's just, like...

I didn't know that bad dreams could know your name.

Like, stuff like that.

[paper rustles]

[light jazz music plays]

Welcome to Papier Maché Time.

This is the hundredth episode.

Today... we're gonna make something that, well, to be honest, is kind of upsetting to me.

It's a volcano.

Yeah, it's a volcano.

And when I-- [stammers]

You kids don't know this, but when I was young, volcanoes made me really nervous.

Where did you grow up?

I grew up in Baltimore, and there's no volcanoes in Baltimore, but, somehow, I got it in my head that there could be an eruption.

This is taking too long.

-[bell dings] -Let's pour the vinegar in.

I'm nervous!

Everything's going to be fine, David Byrne.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

-[liquid fizzles] -Whoa!

That is pretty cool.

I told you.

And you didn't believe me.

And I'll never forget it.

Oh, okay, I'm totally ashamed.

It's okay. I forgive you.

Thank you.

This has been...

Papier-Maché Time, episode 101.

If you need more information, go to a library.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye?

Bye... Bye-- Bye-bye.

[expl*si*n effect]

[8-bit music plays]

[John] Try to put this list of New York City mayors in order.

[hollow rattling]

[children] No!

[hollow rattling]

No!

[hollow rattling]

No!

[hollow rattling]

Yeah!

-[bell dings] -[John] Uh-huh. That's correct.

-[pleasant music plays] -It's funny, what you said about Hawaii, do you know "mahalo," it means, like, many things, -it means "hello" and "goodbye." -[Camille] I thought that was "aloha."

Guess who I saw on the subway today?

-Fran Lebowitz. -Yes.

[John] Oh, I didn't tell you about this sighting.

Last June, I saw Paul Simon and Martin Scorsese at Coney Island.

What were those two doing?

They were stacked on each other's shoulders under a trench coat, trying to sneak on the Cyclone.

-[Linder] Did it work? -No, they got busted.

'Cause they made Paul the head, and he can't talk.

So, inside the coat you just hear this chattering on about Federico Fellini.

My top New York moment?

I'm eating a slice of pizza at the Statue of Liberty.

I walk around the corner and who do I see?

All of the New York Yankees, and they're all singing "New York, New York."

Only in New York!

Hey, Alex, what's your top New York moment?

Well, there is one New York moment I'll never forget.

[grand orchestra plays] -♪ I saw a white lady ♪

♪ Standing on the street just sobbin' ♪

♪ And I think about it once a week ♪

[cheerful theater music plays]

I think I saw her, too.

Oh, I doubt it was the same white lady.

You know, once you keep your eyes peeled, you'll see crying white ladies all over New York City.

Often in expensive workout gear or hospital scrubs.

♪ It was two ♪

♪ Years ago ♪

-♪ Christmastime ♪ -[sleigh bells jingle]

♪ Foot of snow ♪

♪ Passing through ♪

♪ Union Square ♪

♪ And I saw this crying white lady Just kinda ♪

[woman sobbing] -♪ Standin' there ♪ Funny, what if instead of getting on the subway with my entire class for a field trip to look at bugs, I'd walked over?

♪ I approach ♪

♪ She's demure ♪

♪ She thinks "Who is this four-foot bachelor?" ♪

♪ So my hand I extend ♪

♪ And say, "I'm Alex J ♪

♪ And you look like you need a friend" ♪

[woman sobs]

♪ Why are you crying in a public place? ♪

[woman] I don't know.

♪ Perhaps a friend of yours Was fake to your face? ♪ Yes.

♪ Or did you just come from Trader Joe's ♪

♪ And you paid too much For your avocados? ♪

♪ No Kleenex ♪ No!

♪ In her purse ♪

♪ I've a handkerchief for her of course ♪

♪ Monogrammed ♪

♪ "Alex J" ♪

-Keep it, ma'am. -Thank you.

♪ Because you're just havin' One of those days ♪ Yes, I am.

I understand.

♪ She takes my hand ♪

♪ We walk uptown and dine at Au Bon Pain ♪

♪ I talk of Sherlock Gnomes ♪

-[weeping] -♪ From beginning to end ♪

♪ Then suddenly I say "What's that sound I hear?" ♪

[wailing]

♪ "Your lovely laugh, my dear" ♪

♪ You got problems And I don't wanna delve ♪

♪ You're a grown-up And I'm barely twelve ♪ I know.

♪ But spill your problems I can help you with coping ♪

♪ Look me in the the eye And the floodgates will open ♪

♪ They're phasing out my department ♪

♪ And I will lose my apartment ♪

♪ My mom is no support system ♪

♪ I like bad guys Can't resist them ♪

♪ Forgot to DVR Drag Race ♪

♪ My friend Alisse Fake to my face ♪

♪ Some fraud made them freeze my Amex ♪

♪ And then I ran into my ex ♪

♪ And some days this city and de Blasio Just make me scream ♪

[holds note] ♪ Why?! ♪

[music stops]

-[music resumes softly] -♪ Why not just stand here ♪

♪ And cry? ♪ And also, this whole time, I'm wearing my dad's fancy scarf and my Heelys.

[wheels zipping]

-[cheerful music continues] ♪ Her eyes glisten ♪

♪ I don't talk ♪

♪ I listen ♪

[thunder rumbling] -♪ Then the rain starts again ♪

♪ We scurry down the street ♪

♪ To another Au Bon Pain ♪

-[twinkling] -[thunder continues]

♪ She takes my handkerchief From her purse ♪

-♪ She says... ♪ -♪ Alex J, I feel like I'm cursed ♪

♪ Lady, I know that the sky isn't clear ♪

♪ But it cannot rain Every day of the year ♪

♪ You can't just be crying In your own narrative ♪

♪ Because we tell ourselves stories ♪

♪ In order to live ♪

♪ She nods ♪

♪ Joan Didion ♪

♪ I take her hand ♪

♪ To Le Pain Quotidien ♪

♪ And we talk ♪ [hearty laugh]

♪ About life and love And Sherlock Gnomes ♪

♪ Until it's time to go home ♪ Bye!

Thank you.

♪ That's what I think ♪

♪ Would happen ♪

♪ But it's all ♪

♪ Imagined ♪

♪ And I will wonder till the end ♪

♪ What if I hadn't walked away ♪

♪ Would that crying lady ♪

♪ Be my friend? ♪

[music fades]

Anyway, I remember all sorts of things.

Thanks for listening.

And wherever you are, lady, have a good night.

[electronic echoing]

-[man] Stand clear of the-- [springing effect]

Stand-- [springing effect]

-Stand clear of the closing doors, please. -[cash register ding]

All right, Sack Lunch Bunch, did you have fun today?

[children] Yeah!

And did you all get meal?

[children] Yeah!

And we had the songs, and we talked about death a lot, and Richard Kind came by, right?

[children] Yeah!

Yeah...

And I got meal, too.

I had lunch.

I got the avocado toast thing I get.

I'm vamping a little

'cause we have a big finish guest and...

He's not here?

Literally?

Is he in the car?

-His voicemail is full? -[faint rattling]

[man, muffled] Is it push or pull? I am pulling!

-[yelling] I am pulling! I am! -[John] Is he...?

Hey!

It's me, Sack Lunch Bunch!

-Mr. Music! -[twinkling]

[children] Hi, Mr. Music!

And I'm here to teach you about music!

-[children] Yay! -[Mr. Music laughs]

-I have a clarinet! -[Mr. Music] No!

Put away your skinny trumpet!

Instruments are stupid!

[Mr. Music sighs]

Be-- Because...

Because there's music everywhere!

[children, hesitantly] Oh...!

[Mr. Music] Oh!

[laughs]

[indistinct whispering] "Yeah..."

Oh, yeah, yeah!

So, follow me!

-[cheering] -[Mr. Music] Ha-ha!

But also give me space, okay? [laughs]

[John] It's okay. I know him. I know him. Okay.

[percussion instruments playing]

[lively music plays]

♪ There is music here ♪

♪ Music there ♪

♪ Music, music everywhere ♪

♪ Use your ear, be aware ♪

♪ You're making music everywhere ♪

♪ When you tap a pen On a paperback book ♪

[muted tapping]

♪ Not too loud but you get the point ♪

[squeals]

♪ Toss a dress shirt in a laundry sack ♪

♪ Subtle sound Let me find something else ♪

[percussion instruments playing]

I have a clarinet.

What?

How about my clarinet?

I don't need instruments!

Listen when I say what songs are about! I'm making music! You're ignorant!

[song stops]

I'm making music!

Ha-ha!

[lively music continues] -♪ 'Cause there is music here ♪

♪ Music there ♪

♪ Music, music everywhere ♪

♪ Use your ears, be aware ♪

♪ You're making music everywhere ♪

[gasps]

♪ Even a cat can bat a tune ♪

[song stops]

Do it.

[meows]

Do it.

[laughs nervously]

[lively song continues] -♪ Or take a pudding cup ♪

♪ And put in a spoon ♪

♪ Then when you pull it out... ♪

♪ Then when you pull it out... ♪

-[song stops] -I did this last night. It made a sound.

What kind of sound did it make?

-Like a squishy sound like a butt! -Maybe if you tap--

No! You talked over it! It just made the noise!

-[thud] -♪ Music is so loud you have to shout ♪

♪ Listen to the ruckus When you swirl Bordeaux ♪

♪ Or just take the bottle And let it blow ♪

[blows]

-Okay, I just broke a bottle over here. -[glass crunching]

I don't know if you walk here, but you should--

There are no big pieces that shattered.

-[continued crunching] -Oh! [giggles]

♪ There is music here ♪

♪ Music there ♪

♪ Music, music everywhere ♪ Is Mr. Music okay?

No, Mr. Music's not okay. He's having a lot of trouble.

♪ I stayed up late I should have prepped ♪

♪ And planted stuff that makes sounds ♪

[music stops]

-[lively music continues] -♪ Leaky faucet goes drip, drip, drop ♪ Who fixed this?

♪ This new modern toilet Makes quite a sound ♪

♪ It's louder than a gong When you flush it down ♪

[light rushing of water]

Just... lower the boom.

No, just work with me and just lower the boom into the toilet bowl!

[audio feedback whines]

[Mr. Music sighs]

Now I have to wait for it to be ready again.

I don't want the commode to overflow.

[water rumbles to stillness]

-Okay, now it's safe to flush again. -[toilet rattles, thuds]

Damn it!

[echoing] I need my tap shoes!

♪ Jump up on your Tempur-Pedic bed ♪

♪ And tap dance so loud You'll wake the dead ♪

♪ Momma told you not to make a peep ♪

♪ Well clickety-clack And wake her out of her sleep ♪

[Mr. Music yelps]

[Mr. Music groans]

I landed weird on my ankle and it popped.

-Did you hear that? -[children] No.

♪ It was like music ♪

♪ Everywhere ♪ What time is it? Am I supposed to do an hour?

No, no, who told you that?

I can do an hour.

Absolutely not.

♪ Give me the clarinet You mentioned before ♪

♪ I said I didn't need it Give it to me please ♪

♪ You'll never believe What a sound it makes ♪

♪ When I throw it out the window And the window breaks ♪

-[song stops] -No! That's my clarinet!

It landed on a truck full of pillows that was passing by only then.

Lord, you don't want me to make music, do you?

-[lively music continues] -♪ Maybe grab that cat by its tail ♪ Hey, no!

♪ Swing it around and the cat will wail ♪

[screams] Ow!

Ow!

Mother Mary!

[Mr. Music] There's glass here!

Who put glass here?!

[sighs]

[glass crunching]

I'm so stupid. [sighs]

I stayed up late trying on clothes I already own, and I didn't prepare and I failed.

Dad, I think that even though most of the things you did weren't audible, you're just trying to teach us that music can come from lots of things that aren't instruments.

Yes...

Yes!

You see? You understood what I was trying to say.

Music is more than just the songs you hear or people singing.

Well, it's what you just--

You just said it better.

[John] Hey, Mr. Music.

Mr. Music?

What you did was really funny, watching you run around, when you were back over there especially.

We want you to know that we don't judge you.

We don't care.

You don't care?

No, right?

-[children] No. -[Tyler] Not really.

[John] We don't care. Who cares?

Nobody cares.

Ha-ha!

Everybody sing!

Together!

Cast and crew!

-Cast only. -[lively music continues]

[children] ♪ Music here, music there ♪

♪ Music, music everywhere ♪

♪ Use your ears, be aware ♪

♪ You're making music everywhere ♪

♪ What a day ♪

♪ We learned so much ♪

♪ So many topics left to touch ♪

♪ So when you feel sad and scared ♪

♪ Look for music anywhere ♪

♪ Look for music anywhere ♪

-[song stops] -[plays clarinet off key]

[scattered applause]

-[laughter] -[John sighs] Yeah...

[indistinct chatter]

That's a picture wrap on Jake Gyllenhaal, everybody.

[Jake] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

No, no, I want this. I'm keeping this.

-[John] Very cool. -[Jake] This is mine.

[indistinct chatter]

[cat vocalizes in deep voice]

My biggest fear is... losing my family or people I love.

And right up there, right alongside of it, is losing my iPhone.

[woman] What is the most scared you've been in New York City?

I've almost never been scared in New York City.

[woman] What about in Los Angeles?

Every night in Los Angeles I'm afraid of Charles Manson.

[John] What is one of your biggest fears?

The Purge, but not the movie, the theory.

[John] So, do you mean it's the plot of the movie The Purge--

-Yeah. Yeah. -[John] Gotcha.

Sometimes I, like, try not to fear, because I believe that God is always watching us, but something that, like... bothers me are, like, bugs.

Riptides are my biggest fear because... they just-- they pull you under the water and then suck you out into the ocean.

Fish, tacos, and fish tacos. Terrible.

-[man 1] We've got a surprise for you. -[man 2] Can you bring in the clown?

-No! No... -[John] We would never--

We would never do that.

-We're not licensed therapists. -Okay, good.

[John] Do you ever get nervous before you're acting?

I don't have stage fright.

I go on a stage and I say, "Oh, thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Don't forget, um... you gotta believe."

They brought us to our final callbacks and then they said, "Okay, we want me."

And I don't even think we signed contracts.

Uh, but still, we are doing the show.

[John] You haven't signed a contract?

No.

[John] Oh.

[John] Do you have anything you wanna say to 20-year-old Isabella?

Um, I would say to always be kind, Isabella.

And get your Master's in dancing therapy, because you are always gonna help people who are in need.

Like, even though if you're in a wheelchair, have a special disease, you are going to always help them and spread joy to all those people.

My biggest fear is someone that I love dying a violent death, myself dying a violent death, and snakes.

[woman] Can you very quickly describe your ideal funeral?

Yes. I do want people to be very sad.

Like, I don't like when they say, like, it's a celebration of life. [laughs]

"He or she would have wanted us to be happy." Like...

You know that I want you to be happy, but I do want you to miss me.

A lot.

I would probably say just, like, losing the people that I love, because I'm, like, so close to a lot of the people, like my friends and family, and just to, like, not be able to see them would just be, like, really sad.

[John] Do you think about that more than you'd like to?

Sometimes.

[John] Do you find a way to give yourself comfort?

I give myself comfort about it by, like, just realizing that they're with me now, that I always have to make the best of it, because they're always gonna be there for me.

Whether they are here or not, they're always gonna, like, be there inside my heart, you know?

[John] Is there a way of dying that you're not afraid of, that you would prefer?

A way of dying I would enjoy...

You know... This is for kids, right? [laughs]

-["Tiny Apocalypse" by David Byrne plays] -♪ Rhetorical ♪

♪ Memorial ♪

♪ Invisible ♪

♪ Incredible ♪

♪ Unstoppable ♪

♪ Emotional ♪

♪ Illogical ♪

♪ Sensational ♪

♪ Little sister, gotta take her medicine ♪

♪ Baby brother gonna do it all again ♪

♪ Run fast but cannot catch the bus ♪

♪ Funny feeling, this is part of us ♪

[song fades]

There is no one like you.

There has never been anyone like you.

There will never be anyone like you.

Therefore, be yourself.

-["Tiny Apocalypse" continues] -♪ And you must take your medicine ♪

♪ Getting better every day ♪

♪ Good for a limited time ♪

♪ Feeling fine ♪

♪ We will return your things to you ♪

♪ When it's time for you to leave ♪

♪ So quiet ♪

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ Tippy-toes ♪