01x16 - Avery Schreiber

[bunniefuu]

It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest star,

Mr. Avery Schreiber.

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, did you know that
George the Janitor is so cheap

that his wallet has
an unlisted pocket?

Am I too hip for the room?
Hey...

♪ To introduce our guest stars

♪ That's what it's time to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you

Mr. Avery Schreiber!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

♪ But now let's get things
started

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

OK. Welcome, welcome,
dear friends.

And we have another goodie
for you.

Our guest is a young man
and an old friend,

who's been making television
and nightclub audiences laugh

for many years as part
of the comedy team

of Burns and Schreiber.

And right now,
he's launching a new career

as a movie performer
and a television star

in his own right,
Mr. Avery Schreiber!

So we should have
another biggie,

but right now,
let's get things underway

with our own Dr. Teeth
and The Electric Mayhem!

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we'd like to do for you an old favorite.

We like to think of our group
as being able to play more than hard rock.

So here's an old favorite
for some of you moms and pops.

It's called, and we'll play,
"Tenderly."

(♪ rock)

♪ The evening breeze
caressed the trees

♪ Tenderly

Yeah.

♪ The trembling trees
embraced the breeze

♪ Tenderly

♪ Then you and I

♪ Came wandering by

♪ And lost in a sigh were we

♪ The shore was kissed
by sea and mist

♪ Tenderly

♪ I can't forget
how two hearts met

♪ Breathlessly

♪ Your arms opened wide

♪ And closed me inside

♪ You took my lips

♪ You took my love

♪ So tenderly

♪ You took my lips
You took my love

♪ So tenderly

♪ So tenderly

♪ So tenderly

♪ So tenderly ♪

Aw, that's tender, man.

I was just thinking,
apropos of nothing,

but is it pronounced
"tomayto" or "tomahto"?

Is what pronounced
tomayto or tomahto?

Great number. Warm, sensitive.
My grandmother will love it.

Scooter, Scooter.

Oh, dear nephew
of the theater owner...

Yes, Miss Piggy?
Would you do Miss Piggy a favor?

Oh, sure. Why not?
Ahem.

Well, you may have noticed,
I have given my love to Kermit.

You may also have noticed
his reluctance in returning same.

Oh, so you want me to get
your love from Kermit and give it back to you.

OK, where does he keep it?

Amusing little twit, isn't he?

No, bonehead!
I want you to make him jealous.

Ah, I see.
I want you to tell him

that Avery Schreiber
is simply mad about me.

Oh, you want me to lie.

Just do it.

And if I refuse?

Well, then I will
karate chop you

until the only thing
you'll be able to go for

is down for the count!

One jealous frog coming up.

♪ Piggy and Kermit
were sweethearts... ♪

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is a momentous occasion,

as the mighty gladiator,
Sir Avery of Macho,

is scheduled
to meet and challenge the most fearsome, vicious beast

known in the world today,
the Monster of the Moors.

Matter of fact,
here comes Sir Avery now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sir Avery of Macho!

Where is he? Where is
this cretinous creature?

Come out! Come out!
Where is he?

Aah! Godfrey Daniels!

Are you he, sir?

Oh, no, no. No, no.
I am Kermit the Frog, sir.

Kermit the Frog?
Yes, sir.

Well, where is this monster?
I'll rip him to shreds.

I'll tear off his arms and legs
and play pick-up-sticks. Where is he?

(thunder)

Now, what does that mean?
Is it gonna rain or something?

No, no. Matter of fact,
I think that means

that the monster's
about to make his appearance.

Is that right?
(thunder)

Aha!

Who's gonna do what
to me when, huh?

Are you the Monster
of the Moors?

No, I'm Little Bo Peep.
What's it to you?

Aha.

He seems to have
an overactive pituitary gland.

All right, monster,
this is Sir Avery of Macho!

I'm here to challenge you!

All right, I accept.

(gonglike clang)

How do you wanna fight,
with swords or clubs?

Name your pleasure.

Well...

I choose, right?
Mm-hm.

The w*apon I choose...

...is insults.
Huh? Insults?

That's right. Ha ha.

He's a lot bigger
than my agent told me.

You heard that
right here, folks.

Sir Avery has chosen insults.

And, indeed, he is known
for his razor-like wit, which he's gonna need,

because he's against
one of the foulest mouths in the kingdom.

Ready?

Give me your best sh*t,
fat stuff.

Fat stuff?
You call me fat stuff?

Your mother wears
open-toed combat boots!

(laughs)

Sir Avery opened
with an old standard there.

Let's see how
the monster answers.

You call that an insult?
Here's an insult.

The last time I saw
a head like yours

was in a lettuce patch!

Oh. Look at that.

Sir Avery has been hit.
Sir Avery has been hit.

Let's see how he answers now.

Monster?
Hm?

I've been talking
to your best friends. And?

You don't have any.
Huh?

Look at that.
Sir Avery is now choosing the psychological att*ck.

As a matter of fact...

No, no, I won't tell you.
Oh, no, please.

I can take it.

Nobody likes you.
Oh! Oh! Oh!

As a matter of fact,
your dog doesn't like you.

Oh!
In fact, I doubt if you even have a dog.

I had a dog.
You had a dog. What happened to him?

I ate him.
Why'd you eat him?

Because he didn't like me!

I give up. You win.

Look at that, folks.
It looks like it's all over now.

Sir Avery?
Yeah?

Only one thing.
When you and Burns had a comedy team,

well, you were my
favorite comedy team...

well, second favorite,
of all time.

What do you mean,
second favorite? Who was first?

Starsky and Hutch!

Oh. Oh, look at that.

Sir Avery is hit bad,
and he's going down.

It looks... It looks like...

Friends, I think
it's gonna be a draw.

Wait a minute.
I demand a rematch!

He didn't get me
with his insult.

It was his breath.
Hah!

Well, so I win a lot,

but it's a lonely life.

(♪ fanfare)

Funny man.
He was great as a team.

I wonder what it feels like
to work alone.

Ask me. I do it every week.

(chuckles)

Welcome again to Muppet Labs,
where the future is being made today.

And here it is, folks,
the product you've all been waiting for,

the new solid-state
gorilla detector.

Yes, friends, how many times
have you awakened

at night in the dark
and said to yourself,

"Is there a gorilla in here?"

And how many people do you know
whose vacations were ruined

because they were eaten
by undetected gorillas?

Well, no more of that.

Whenever a gorilla comes
anywhere near this device,

its lights will flash
and its bell will ring.

Think of the safety,
think of the sense of well-being.

At last, your family
can be protected

from the heartbreak
of gorilla invasion.

(thud)

That creature is not a gorilla.
If he were a gorilla,

the lights would flash
and the bell would ring.

Yes, Muppet technology
is wonderful.

It tells us
that we are not seeing a gorilla smash a cabinet.

So I know scientifically

that I am not being
eaten by a gorilla.

(screams)

(bell rings)

Scooter! Scooter?

Scooter...
Yes, boss?

Ah, Scooter,
would you go for Avery

and tell him to stand by
for his next number?

Boss, you know there's
nothing I wouldn't do for you.

Well, so far, that's
what you've done... nothing.

I would climb
the highest mountain.

I would swim the widest river.
I'd walk across burning coals...

Please! Just go get Avery.

That I can't do.
What?

Sorry, boss,
but he and Miss Piggy are in his dressing room,

and he told me he did not
want to be disturbed.

Piggy and Avery?
Are you nuts?

Why, he wouldn't touch her
with a ten-foot pole.

You're right.
He was touching her with his hands.

He was also whispering
sweet nothings into her ear.

Nothings like...

(whispers)

Will you get out of here?!
Out, out, out!

Anybody want to buy
a gofer cheap?

Piggy and Avery? Yecch.

(♪ tea dance music)

You know, I had a bit part
in a movie last week.

A bit part?
Yeah, I bit someone.

I'm very careful with my diet.

When I got on the scale
this morning, I weighed 104 pounds.

Stripped?
Of course not.

The drugstore was crowded.
Oh.

Hey, hey, let's boogie.

OK.
Boogie, boogie, boogie.

(screams)

I notice nothing bothers you.
Are you into meditation?

No. Sedation.

Boogie, boogie, boogie.

(screams)

They shouldn't allow
his kind in here.

You're right.
He's a lousy dancer.

Boogie, boogie, boogie.

(Animal screams)
(girl laughs)

Thank you.

(♪ "May You Always"
by Larry Markes and d*ck Charles)

♪ This special time

♪ This special place

♪ Is brightened
by your special face

♪ I wish I may

♪ I wish I might

♪ Have the wish
I wish for you tonight

(all) ♪ May you always
walk in sunshine

♪ Slumber warm
when night winds blow

♪ May you always live
with laughter

(all) ♪ For a smile
becomes you so

♪ May good fortune
find your doorway

♪ May the bluebird
sing your song

♪ May no trouble
travel your way

(all) ♪ May no worry
stay too long

♪ May your heartaches
be forgotten

♪ May no tears be spilled
♪ Tears be spilled

♪ May auld acquaintance
be remembered

(all) ♪ And your cup
of kindness filled

♪ May you always be a dreamer

♪ May your wildest dreams
come true

♪ May you find someone to love

♪ As much as I love

♪ You

(all) ♪ Love you ♪

(all howl)

Hey, Avery, listen,
welcome to the show.

It's really nice
to see you again.

I'm glad to see you
again, Kermit.

I really feel at home here,
you know?

Ah, hello, my love.

Uh, Miss Piggy, listen,
I was just trying to talk to Avery.

Oh, please, please,
let me just stand here

and gaze upon
that adorable face.

Ah, well,
there's no time for that,

no matter how adorable
you think my face is.

Not your face, El Toado!

His.
His?

Ah, Miss Piggy.

Oh, you can call me
by my real name,

which few men have called me.

Pigathius.
Pigathius?

Mm. It's from the Greek,
meaning "river of passion."

Oh. Miss Piggy.
Hm?

You can call me Avery.
It's from the Yiddish,

meaning "hold the mayo."

Well, you can both
call me a cab

'cause I'm getting
out of here, and so are you.

What? What's the matter?

I know what's been going on
behind my back, but Miss Piggy is my girl.

You're just a guest
on this show, just passing through town.

She loves me,
and she's gonna have dinner with me tonight after the show.

Miss Piggy,
you and me, alone!

Oh, Avery...
Just like I said. It worked, didn't it?

He really loves me.
Oh, thank you so much.

How about a smacker right on
these porker lips, hm?

Kissy, kissy.
Well, I-I...

Now, don't take it personally,
no, I can't kiss you.

You see, I mean no offense,

but my family never
even touched a pig,

much less put their lips
to one.

Well, put your lips to this!

Hi-yah!

And now, the finest singing team

since Jeanette MacDonald
and Nelson Eddy.

They are awe-inspiring.

In fact, when I hear them sing,
I go, "Aw."

Here they are, Wayne and Wanda.

(under his breath)
Get it right.

(♪ "Some Enchanted Evening"
by Rogers and Hammerstein)

♪ Some enchanted evening

♪ You may meet a stranger

♪ You may meet a stranger... ♪

(gulping)

He said "meet," not "eat."

Oh, sorry.

(man) And now,
"Veterinarian's Hospital,"

the continuing story
of an orthopedic surgeon

who's gone to the dogs.

(glass breaks)

Nope, I can't.
I just cannot perform this operation.

But why not, Dr. Bob?
Well, frankly, I'm chicken.

No, that is a chicken.

(clucks)

You're right.

Besides, this should be
right up your alley.

That's true,
I am a bird dog.

(rim sh*t)

Are you really?
Sure. Every year, I fly south for the winter.

(rim sh*t)

(both) Don't your arms
get tired?

(rim sh*t)

There now will be
a moment of silence. Why?

For that joke that just d*ed
in the operating room. (laughs)

So, you see, Doctor,
what about your patient?

Well, we have a choice.
We can do a chicken appendectomy,

a chicken tonsillectomy,
or a chicken curry fricassee.

(clucks)
Whoa.

We gotta do something
about this turkey. It's a chicken.

I'm a chicken.
The sketch is a turkey.

(rim sh*t)

(man) So Dr. Bob has
run afoul of a fowl.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

Many of Dr. Bob's patients
are chickens.

Why is that?

'Cause he's for the birds.

OK, let's move it.
Don't bask in the glory.

Ten years from now, they'll have
forgotten even the best of you.

Knute Rockne, 1932.

Aw, Kermit, my love, my life.

I am sorry if Avery
made you jealous.

Uh, Fozzie Bear, stand by.

Fozzie Bear, stand by.

You are jealous,
aren't you? Fozzie, stand by.

Uh, no, I'm not.
But why?

Fozzie, stand by.

Scooter told me
it was all a trick.

Scooter, stand by!

Hi-yah! Hah!

(crash)

Nice punt.

Who needs ya?!

Flipper face!

OK, once again, it's time
for the king of the one-liners,

the sharp retort
and the funny ears,

Mr. Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, hey.
I'm a bear, I'm not a bunny,

so here's some stuff
that's really funny.

Hey, hey, hey,
I'm not a dope. And I'm no dummy.

So how come your stuff...
...is really crummy?

Hey, come on, you guys.

I come out here
just to give you a good time.

If you wanna give us
a good time... Go back in.

Aw, gimme a break.
Hey, listen.

Why don't you guys
leave Fozzie alone?

Yeah. Thanks, Avery.
Thanks a lot.

I know what it's like
to be out here every night getting heckled.

Yeah, yeah,
by the audience, huh? No, by my partner.

I love him like a brother,
but he was always concerned

that the act be dignified.
You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah.
Huh? Huh?

Dignified.
Yeah.

I asked him to do
the banana-in-the-ear shtick.

Yeah?
Yeah. And he wouldn't do it.

Oh, come on,
that's funny shtick. That's a funny bit.

That's right.
He said it would look dumb.

Oh, the banana's funny.

Would you do it?
Of course I'd do it.

Try.
Oh, terrific, a banana.

Here we go. In the ear!
(drumroll)

(rim sh*t)

He's right.
It does look kind of dumb.

Well, see ya, Fozzie.
Avery!

I was just kidding.
I wouldn't leave you out here with a banana in the ear.

To show you
what a good sport I am, I'll put the banana in my ear.

Nobody laughed.
(drumroll)

(rim sh*t followed by laughter)

Oh, look at that.
Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it!

Why is it that when I did it,
you didn't laugh,

but when Avery does it,
you go crazy?

Oh, it's his pace.
His timing.

His delivery.
His ear.

You see, Jack?
I told you it would work.

This is the greatest thing
in my life. (laughter)

Here's a Muppet news flash.
There is no news tonight.

(scatting)

Can you do that?

(all scatting along with tune)

Everybody now.

Well, that's it for tonight.

We'd like to thank
our very special guest star,

Mr. Avery Schreiber.

Thank you, Kermit.
Thank you.

Listen, it was a ball.
I hope I didn't get you upset.

Boy, Miss Piggy has
a bad temper, doesn't she?

Aw, listen, don't worry.
I can handle Miss Piggy.

You know, she's just
putty in my hands.

I say, "Jump,"
she says, "How high?"

I cr*ck the whip,
she jumps through the hoop.

You open your mouth,
my fist goes south.

Hi-yah!

Gee, I love to see a man
in control, Kermit.

We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.

Hi-yah!

Hi-yah!

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

Well, you gotta
give 'em credit. Why's that?

Well, they're gonna
keep on doin' it till they get it right.

(bum note)