Death Becomes Her (1992)

[bunniefuu]

Can you believe that? A musical version

of "Sweet Bird of Youth."

- Who are they kidding?

- Thank God, you wanted to leave.

Can you believe Madeline Ashton?

Talk about waking the dead.

I gotta get a drink.

What do I see

That's the question

I'm most afraid of

One that asks me

what I'm really made of

What do I see

Much more

than a reflection

A romance with

sheer perfection

I see me

I see me

Actress, woman

star and lover

Sister, sweetheart

sl*ve and mother

I see me

And I like

what I see

Virgin, temptress

dream of others

Yes, it's me

Yes, it's me

- We see you

- You mean me

Idol, goddess

shameless hussy

Diva, princess

lewd and lusty

She's sensational.

That's not me

Can't be me

- Angel devil

- You can trust me

Mon ami

I see

Whoo-whoo

Everywhere I look, baby

all I see is

- A contradiction

- Oh, come on

- A bad addiction

- Knock it off

- Inspiration to a generation

- Now you're talkin'

That's you

That's me

Wow!

Oh, boy!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Wrinkled, wrinkled little star...

hope they never

see the scars.

Your guests are here,

Miss Ashton.

A Miss Helen Sharp

with a gentleman.

- Ahh. How's she look?

- Who?

Helen, you idiot.

I don't know.

Smart, I guess, sort of classy.

Classy? Really?

Compared to whom?

Oh, sh*t.

Mad!

Hel!

- I don't believe it.

- How are you?

- It's been so long.

- I know.

Don't you dare say how long.

Mad, I'd like you to meet...

Dr. Ernest Menville, my fiance.

You were just wonderful.

Ernest Menville? Dr. Ernest Menville,

the plastic surgeon?

- Yes. You were so terrific!

- Ernest is quite a fan.

- I've read all about you.

- That dance number. Boy, oh, boy.

- I can't believe I'm meeting you.

- He never mentioned a Madeline thing.

- We're both huge fans.

- I'm sure he doesn't have a... thing.

Do you?

Well, I'm so happy

for you... both.

What ever happened to that,

um, writing thing?

- Oh, well, um, I'm still trying.

- Helen, don't be modest.

- She's a brilliant writer, Mrs. Ashton.

- Miss.

Tell me, Doctor...

do you think that

I'm starting to need you?

So...

have you two set a date?

- Yes... we have.

- No, actually...

We see

the upper eyelid skin incision...

from the medial canthus

to the lateral orbital margin.

There are two fat compartments

in the upper eyelid, three in the lower.

Oops. Look at all this bleeding.

Needle-tip cautery. Quickly, please.

For heaven's sake,

Helen, it was a dinner.

The woman wanted

my professional opinion.

Ernest, you don't know Madeline

the way I do.

She wants you.

She wants you because you're mine.

I've lost men to her before.

She just turns on that flash

and that glitter and they're gone.

That's why I wanted you to meet her

before we got married.

I just had to see if you could pass

the Madeline Ashton test.

Please...

Please, don't fail.

I couldn't

take it again.

I don't know

what I'd do.

Do you know how

silly you're sounding?

Oh, darling,

I have absolutely no interest

in Madeline Ashton.

Mrs. Helen Sharp? It's your landlord.

Open the door, please.

I know you're in there!

I have your final

eviction notice.

If you don't come out,

- I'm going to break the door.

- What are you doing here?

I have the police. If you don't open,

we're going to break the door.

- Well, speak!

- I'm going to charge you for it too.

- Lady, let's go.

- You heard what he said.

You're in trouble.

Come on. Open it!

Lady, listen.

You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up the right

to remain silent...

Are you nuts?

Come on.

Get her outta here!

So...

what about you, Helen?

We haven't heard from you

in a while.

Is there anything...

you'd like to...

talk about... with the group?

Yes.

I would like

to talk about...

Madeline...

Ashton.

Stop! Stop it!

Stop!

No! No!

Is this where we are, Helen?

Six months of therapy.

You're not one pound lighter.

And we are still talking

about Madeline Ashton!

- You think I enjoy talking about her?

- Do you think I enjoy it?

Is that what you think?

You better think again!

Oh, Helen,

for you to have a life,

for any of us

to have a life,

you have got to forget

about her.

You have to erase her

from your mind.

- You have to completely eliminate any...

- What?

You have to completely

eliminate...

You're right.

What?

You're absolutely right.

Yes?

I have a delivery for Madeline Ashton

and Dr. Ernest Menville.

Good morning, madam.

You look

absolutely marvelous.

Hey, wait a minute.

Aren't you forgetting something?

- It's only Thursday. I'm supposed to...

- Never mind.

I think I need you

to say it every morning.

Very well.

Oh, madam,

you look younger every day.

Thank you, Rose.

Thank you very much.

It's so sweet...

What is this?

Your tickets for

Helen Sharp's book party.

They just came.

Helen Sharp's book party!

- "Forever Young"?

- I like that title.

Oh, forever young!

Right.

And eternally fat!

Oh, clever little witch.

She sent seating assignments.

I find it very hard

to believe...

that he got up early

and made his side of the bed.

- No, madam.

- So where did he sleep?

Again?

The beaver has always

been of interest to man.

It is the second largest

rodent in the world.

Dr. Menville?

Dr. Menville?

Is this an angel

I see before me?

- Dr. Menville, you're so cute.

- Thank you, Rose.

Oh!

More vodka.

An outstanding characteristic

of a beaver...

is the large, flat tail.

- Is it up yet?

- Yes, sir.

It's in the bath.

Your beeper was beeping.

It's Mr. Franklin again.

Rose!

Oh, it's you.

Fine, dear, thank you.

Like a rock.

You're dressed.

Special occasion?

- Work.

- Ghoul!

Dr. Menville,

thank God.

- I'm sorry to call at the last minute.

- Yes.

He's completely prepped. Our top staff

have been summoned and are waiting.

Good, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Just calm down.

Calm? I am calm.

Everyone is calm here.

- Who is it?

- Fernando Rivas, the actor.

He drowned in his hot tub.

Very bloated, very swollen.

He was making love

to his new fiancee.

Eighteen years old,

from Cuba.

He's got this expression of happiness

that is completely inappropriate.

Thank you, Mr. Franklin, we'll see

if we can't give him a little character,

a little depth.

Depth? Oh, no, Dr. Menville, you can't

give him any character or depth.

People have

to recognize him.

- Good afternoon, Miss Ashton.

- 3:00 with Anna.

Yes, I know.

You may go down.

Miss Ashton, how are you?

So good to see you!

Listen, I've got a really

important party tonight.

Really important.

You understand?

You will be the best one!

I have to be

better than that.

I am sorry,

but the plasma separation...

is a very traumatic

process to the body!

Our policy

clearly prohibits...

more than one

in a six-month period.

So? It's been nearly

that long already.

Miss Ashton, you had one

three weeks ago.

- How about a nice collagen buff?

- "A collagen buff"?

You might as well ask me

to wash with soap and water!

Tonight is

very important to me.

- I could do your makeup myself.

- Makeup is pointless!

It does nothing anymore.

Are you listening to me?

Do you even care?

You stand there with your 22-year-old

skin and your t*ts like rocks...

and laugh at me.

Mmm.

I could pay you extra.

Something...

on a personal basis.

You know what I mean?

How about that?

Money is no object.

It means nothing to me.

Ahem.

I'm sorry, Mr. Chagall.

I'm really, really sorry.

Anna, don't talk,

just go away.

Leave us alone, mmm?

- I don't want to look at you anymore.

- Oh, okay.

Thank you so much.

Please.

- I suppose I should apologize.

- Oh, no, no.

I am very sensitive

to your torment.

- Excuse me?

- But unfortunately we are mere mortals.

We are restricted by the...

laws of nature.

Well, what more

could one expect?

Mmm, mmm,

that depends.

I could not help but overhear your

little joke about money being no object.

- That was no joke!

- I see.

I wonder, Miss Ashton,

if perhaps you have

ever heard of...

Lisle Von Rhuman?

Ah... no.

No, of course you haven't.

Very few have.

Only a select group.

She may be able to help you.

Here is her address.

She accepts callers day...

and night.

Eh...

It is a very, very select group,

you understand?

Sure.

I'm glad this happened,

Miss Ashton.

We shall be seeing

more of you, I think.

Yes, I think so.

Weirdo.

Could you just

not breathe?

Jesus, what'd she do?

Hire extras?

Good evening.

Evian, please.

No ice.

- Dr. Menville?

- Yes.

- Ernest Menville?

- Yes.

- Hi, I'm Vivian Adams.

- Hi, h-h-have we met?

Long ago. I never had

a chance to thank you...

for the spectacular job

you did with my Aunt Esther.

Oh, well,

thank you very much.

Her color, her tone.

- You even brought out her cheekbones.

- Well, that's my job.

It was almost a shame

to bury her.

It's so sweet of you

to say that.

Can I ask you

what your secret is?

Spray paint.

You see, you can't just use

regular makeup on dead skin.

The pores are too dry.

You've gotta use a palette

and grind the stuff in.

One day I'm in the hardware store and

I think, "What about mannequin paint?"

It's got its own chemical adhesive,

comes in a variety of flesh...

Excuse me!

Have you seen her yet?

What a joke. She's not even here.

- Oh, look over there.

- Wh...

Oh, looks as though

she's lost a few pounds!

- We're leaving.

- Nonsense. Let's go talk to her.

No. I'll talk to her.

I just want you to know

that I am at your disposal.

You can call me day or night.

I did give you all my numbers?

Mad?

Hel!

I don't believe it!

Helen, darling, 12 years!

And look at you,

you have a... waist.

Oh, you haven't changed.

Gosh, I'm glad you came.

I didn't know if you would.

I spoke to my P.R. Woman

and she said,

"Madeline Ashton goes

to the opening of an envelope."

Those people can be so cruel.

I fired her.

Well, I almost fired her.

Well, that was

sweet of you, dear.

- Would you mind?

- Not at all.

- So, how's it been?

- Heaven, it's absolute heaven.

- Ernest is a dream.

- I'm so happy for you both.

I often thought to myself

"I don't deserve this"...

because it came

at your expense.

And that thought

made me feel... terrible.

Listen, that was a long time ago.

You didn't steal him.

He went to you.

It wasn't you.

It was him.

I want you to know something.

I have never ever blamed you.

Never!

- Do you believe how she looks?

- How old is she?

- Fifty.

- Fifty?

You've gotta be kidding.

I wonder what

her secret is.

- Life has turned out as quite a party.

- You used to hate parties.

That was when I was old.

You should see me now.

I didn't know

you were so unhappy.

Never could lie to you.

I know about the kind of...

work you're doing now.

It's not work.

I would sell my soul

to be able to operate again.

- Oh, Helen, I've wasted my life.

- No, Ernest.

She's wasted you.

She married

a brilliant surgeon...

and turned him

into an undertaker.

I want you

to know something.

I have never blamed you

for leaving me.

I always knew it was her.

She's a woman.

A woman, Ernest.

From Newark, for God's sakes.

I will never forgive her

for what she's done to you.

Never.

Dakota!

Oh!

Oh!

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

I didn't know

you were coming over.

- Oh, my God, you're not alone.

- Of course I am.

- I'm completely alone.

- Dakota?

Actually, completely

isn't quite what I meant.

- How dare you make me feel cheap!

- Madeline, I forgot.

- She's here to... She's here to fix...

- Who is she?

- I'm trying to tell you...

- Who is the little piece of meat?

She's a friend of, of,

the guy who was here to...

- Jesus, at least lie quickly!

- I am trying to.

Look, you gotta believe me.

This is perfectly innocent.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm sick of this sh*t,

you know that?

- I am doing you a favor here.

- Doing me a favor?

- I gave you...

- Yeah, you gave, I gave. Big deal!

Somebody told me we look

ridiculous together.

How do you think

that makes me feel?

You never think

about my feelings.

Go find someone

your own age, Madeline!

Madeline! I need to speak

to Madeline at once!

No.

Madeline. I need to speak

to Madeline at once!

Yeah.

Geez.

- Good evening. I hope it's not too...

- Not at all, Miss Ashton.

Miss Von Rhuman's expecting you.

She is?

Wait here, please.

Follow me, please.

Excuse me.

I hoped you'd come.

Make some room for my friend,

for Christ's sake!

But...

keep your a*s handy.

May I say that

I've always thought yours...

to be one of the most

beautiful faces...

ever to grace

the silver screen.

Oh.

And that husband of yours,

I can only say that

his reputation is unsurpassed.

Oh.

I just arrived in town.

I follow the spring.

I haven't seen an autumn

or winter in years.

We are creatures

of the spring, you and I.

Uh-huh. I'm not really

quite sure why I came.

You're scared as hell...

of yourself,

of the body you thought

you once knew.

I beg your pardon?

I am the one

who understands.

I am the one

who knows your secret.

Who is it?

Madeline.

I need to speak to Madeline.

She's not here.

Ah, thank God!

How did you get in?

I didn't hear the gate.

I didn't want you to hear.

Ernest, ask me to go.

Ask me to leave

this house immediately!

- You just got here.

- I know, I know.

But it just took me a glimpse

and I was back where I started.

Where's that?

- Don't pretend you're not aware of it.

- Of what?

You're a powerful

sexual being, Ernest.

I am?

Yes, you are.

If I never told you before,

it's because...

I wasn't the sort of girl

that could say the word...

"sexual" without blushing.

Well, I can now.

Sexual.

Sensual.

Sexy.

Sex.

Sex.

Sex!

So warm, so full of life.

And already

it ebbs away from you.

This is life's

ultimate cruelty.

It offers us the taste

of youth and vitality...

and then makes us

witness our own decay.

Well, it is

the natural law.

Screw the natural law!

What is that?

What you came for.

A touch of magic...

in this world

obsessed with science.

A tonic.

A potion.

What does it do?

How old would you guess I am?

I wouldn't...

Come on.

Don't try to flatter me.

Thirty eight.

Oh, twenty eight.

Twenty... three?

I am seventy-one years old.

That's what it does.

It stops the aging process

dead in its tracks...

and forces it into retreat.

Drink that potion and you'll

never grow even one day older.

Don't drink it...

and continue to watch yourself rot.

How much is it?

The sordid topic of coin...

I'm afraid is not so simple.

The cost, you see,

it's different for everyone.

Well, for me, how much?

Well, thank you very much.

I think I should be going.

Sit!

Hold out your hand.

What are you, nuts?

Watch.

Check okay?

Fine.

But you must make me a promise.

The secret that we share

must never become public.

You may continue your career

for ten years,

ten years of perfect,

unchanged beauty.

But at the end of that time,

before people become suspicious,

you have to disappear

from public view forever.

You can retire.

You can stage

your own phony death...

or...

as one of my clients

simply said,

"I vant to be alone, yah."

No! She's not!

Wow!

Bottoms up.

- Now, a warning.

- Now, a warning?

Take care of yourself.

You and your body are going

to be together a long time.

Be good to it.

Siempre viva.

Live forever.

I can't believe...

Did you...

Oh... I'm a girl!

Shh.

Ernest, oh, we gotta stop.

I know we... I know we...

Really, Ernest. Oh.

Ernest, don't be angry with me.

I'm fighting this as hard

as I can, but just...

Look at you!

She's already destroyed

your career.

Now she's breaking

your heart,

stealing your pride,

flaunting her lovers...

all over town.

You know about that?

Everyone does.

At the party,

people spoke of nothing else.

How can you love me, Helen?

I've been so weak for so long.

I should've divorced Madeline

a long time ago.

By God, that is exactly

what I am going to do!

The first thing

tomorrow morning,

I am gonna go downtown and obtain

a divorce from Madeline Ashton.

- Ernest?

- Monday. At the very least Tuesday.

Divorce?

In California?

That's exactly what

she wants you to do.

You have no talent

for poverty.

You can't let her

get away with that.

Then there's nothing

I can do.

Oh, yes, there is.

Listen to me, Ernest.

I've thought this through carefully,

and it's the only way.

Tonight, while she's asleep,

you'll sneak downstairs quietly,

and take one of each kind

of wine glass from the shelf.

Then you'll take

this Narconal...

and lightly coat

each glass.

As you know, Narconal is a very

powerful alcohol-base tranquilizer,

so you won't need much.

Tomorrow, I'll call Madeline

to say good-bye.

- I'll get her to invite me to dinner.

- Why don't you come to dinner?

Then, at dinner,

we propose a toast.

No matter which glass

she drinks from,

Narconal will be

on the glass.

You and I work together.

First, we finish dinner.

Then we load her in the car,

take her to the top of Mulholland Drive,

call the police and report we've seen a

drunk woman swerving close to the edge.

Some drunk woman up here on Mulholland's

swerving dangerously close to the edge.

We'll sit her up

in the driver's seat...

and make it look like

she's had...

just a little bit

too much to drink.

We drop the car into gear,

wedge her foot

down on the accelerator,

clamp her hands

on the steering wheel...

and send her on her way.

By the time

they perform the autopsy,

the Narconal will be

completely dissolved,

leaving only traces

of alcohol.

She'll be classified

as just another drunk driver.

- They'll check her blood alcohol...

- Point four-0. She had it coming.

...and think

nothing more of it.

The case is closed.

Madeline is dead.

And we're free!

What are we saying?

- We can't go through with this, Helen.

- It's the only way.

After she's gone,

you can start your life

all over again.

I can start my life

all over again.

Oh, we'll be so happy!

She's k*lling you.

So... it would be

self-defense.

Self-defense.

My God, it's back!

We have to talk.

- Have another drink and go to bed.

- You'd like that.

You'd like to see me drink

myself into an early grave.

That is not going

to happen, by God!

- You are not going to take my money!

- What are you talking about?

When was the last time

you worked, Madeline? A real job?

Anything you had left, you owed me

a long time ago. Your face owed me.

You've changed your hair?

What an eye.

Don't wait up.

Cheap.

What did you say?

I called you cheap.

That's what I think of you.

Who do you think

you're talking to?

You're a cheap,

tacky little tr*mp.

Who do you think

you are?

- Nothing like the woman I married.

- You're nothing!

- You're a broad!

- You're a tragic, boozy, flaccid clown.

- Watch it, Madeline.

- That's it. Flaccid.

- Watch what you say.

- Flaccid.

I don't have to take

this any longer!

You'll take everything I have to give!

You always have.

You're not even a man anymore.

And I need a man!

A real man, not some drunken,

broken-down flaccid undertaker...

who is just as dead below

the waist as his clients are.

Hey, I might have more fun

with one of your clients!

At least I'd know I'd be

getting something stiff...

Did you think that I was just going

to take it forever, Madeline?

Did you?

You cruel, vicious,

loathsome b*tch!

Please? Please?

Oh, God! Oh!

- Madeline, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, help me! Help me!

Hurry!

Help me!

Hurry up, you wimp!

Oh, boy.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, boy!

Oh, boy!

Suite 1110, please.

Helen, it's me, Ernest Menville!

I did it!

I didn't think I'd be able to,

but I did it!

I pushed her down the stairs.

She is absolutely stone cold.

She was saying the most

monstrous things and she's dead.

I just had this feeling inside

of me that I couldn't contain.

We're free, Helen.

But I'm afraid I'm gonna burn in hell.

Her neck is broken and

there's no pulse and she's dead.

Exactly which part of the plan

were you unclear on?

- We went over it three times, Ernest.

- You don't understand.

- Ernest, we went over it three times.

- You don't understand.

It just happened.

It was an accident.

It's better than an accident. At least

it's gonna look like an accident.

- Have you called the police?

- No, I called you first.

Ernest, you...

poor, sweet thing.

If the police check the phone records,

don't you think it'll look unusual...

- that you called me before them?

- Oh, my God.

- You're right.

- Of course I'm right!

- Should I call them right now?

- No.

We have to decide what

you're going to say first.

- Well?

- I'm thinking.

Okay, I've got it.

Where's the body?

- At the foot of the stairs.

- Good. Don't move her.

- Soon as we hang up, call the police.

- Okay.

Tell them you were on the phone with me

when you heard a terrible scream.

You turned around and saw Madeline

fall down the stairs.

- Right. Perfect.

- Stick to that story.

If they check the phone records,

it'll confirm what you told them.

- Got it.

- What about the time of death?

- Could they prove the call came after?

- No, no.

It's very difficult to determine

time of death within a few hours.

- It's not an exact science.

- Ernest? Ernest!

Ernest, you pushed me

down the stairs!

Stay away from me!

You bet I will!

Animal! Psycho!

- Don't come near me.

- Wife pusher!

Don't come near me,

follow me or talk to me.

I don't intend to.

I just have to make

a telephone call.

I just have to make

a telephone call.

You're in the sh*t house now, pal!

Madeline, look at yourself!

- Huh?

- Look at yourself!

Ernest!

My a*s!

I can see...

my a*s!

- Something's wrong with your neck too.

- I would say so.

I would friggin' well say so!

Oh!

Are you okay, honey?

Yeah. Oh.

Ernest...

what's wrong with me?

It's a dislocated neck.

That's what it is.

It could happen. I've never seen

it happen, but it could happen.

Yeah, so? Fix it.

- How?

- I don't know. Just do it!

I wouldn't know where

to begin, Madeline.

For God's sake!

Ah!

Oh!

Honey, I think

I need a doctor.

- What's the matter with this guy?

- She's at death's door!

Doctor, she's at death's door.

Why don't you let me

be the judge of that?

What seems to be the problem?

I fell down the stairs.

Whoopsie.

Anything broken?

I don't think so. I mean,

it would hurt, wouldn't it?

I should think so, yeah.

Maybe my wrist,

but my neck feels sort of sore.

Let's have a little look at you.

Which wrist is it?

Right.

- Does it hurt when I do this?

- No.

- How about this?

- Nope.

- Ah, okay, this?

- Hmm, no, uh-uh.

- This doesn't hurt?

- Uh-uh. No.

Are you telling me

it doesn't hurt when I do this?

It doesn't hurt.

I told you that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay, what's this you're talking

about with your neck?

It hurts when I kinda

turn it, you know?

Maybe you just...

Okay, right.

I see. Gotcha.

- What about shock? Should we check?

- It could be shock.

It could be shock.

What is...

What? What is it?

What's the matter?

It's, uh,

it's interesting.

It's okeydokey.

I think that

just about covers it.

- Might I have a little sip of that?

- Of course.

Well, I'll tell you what.

We, this, uh, odd thing.

Your wrist,

as far as I can tell,

it's fractured in three places.

And you've shattered,

uh, two, uh, vertebrae.

I can't really be certain

without an X ray.

But the bone protrusion through

the skin, that's not a good sign.

And, uh... your body temperature

is below 80...

and, your, your, your...

your heart's stopped beating.

What the hell does that mean?

Exactly! Exactly what...

I think...

I'm gonna get a second opinion.

Doctor?

Well, could be worse.

- I'm gonna examine you myself.

- No.

- Sit still.

- Don't touch me.

- My God, he's right.

- He is not right. Don't be ridiculous.

- This is incredible.

- What would it mean if he were right?

You're in violation

of every natural law that I know.

I, I, I,

I violated what law?

In violation of every

natural law that I know!

You're sitting there,

you're talking to me, but you're dead!

I'm gonna get help!

I need a doctor!

Room 147!

Hey! Hey!

Respiratory therapist

to E.R. Therapist to the E.R.

Where are all the doctors?

No, no, no!

Not that lab!

Everyone clear.

- What do we have now?

- No pulse!

Where is she?

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I know how difficult this must be.

You don't understand.

She didn't...

This is very hard to explain.

I know it is.

How can anyone explain it?

- Where did you put my wife?

- Don't worry about that now.

Just give yourself

some time to grieve.

- Where did you put my wife?

- She's dead. She's in the morgue.

The morgue!

She'll be furious.

- Help!

- Yes, it's me, darling.

Oh, Ernest!

I fainted and I woke up

and it was all dark.

I kept yelling

and yelling and yelling.

Nobody heard me.

Nobody did anything.

Then I didn't know where

I was and I got scared.

It's okay.

It's all right.

Ernest, I'm in the morgue.

- Why am I in the morgue?

- Shh! It's okay. It's okay!

Listen! I understand now.

It's incredible!

It's physically impossible,

but now I understand it.

- They think I'm dead, Ernest.

- Yes! But you're not!

In the whole of recorded

medical history,

this has never happened

to another single human.

Yeah, so, why did it have

to happen to me?

- Do you know what you are, darling?

- Uh-uh.

You're a sign.

You're an omen, a burning bush!

- I am?

- Of course you are.

We're being told that

we belong together.

And I'm being called.

I'm being challenged.

Don't you see, Madeline?

It's a miracle!

Oh, my God!

sh*t!

Oh!

Formaldehyde.

What in God's name?

Darn it.

It's just not the right balance.

- How's it goin', Ern?

- I don't wanna rush things, Madeline.

Who keeps calling?

- Huh?

- Who is that?

I can't have these interruptions!

I'm gonna need you

to hold very still.

Oh!

- What?

- Madeline!

- I asked you to sit still.

- Mmm, what's the matter?

- I need more turpentine now.

- Are we almost done?

The highlights of your eyes

are unbalanced. Want people to stare?

I can't use kerosene

because it'll affect the skin.

Where is she?

Oh, my gosh, Helen!

What are you doin' here?

What's that on your hands?

Blood?

- Paint!

- Paint?

What would you be doing that

you have paint on your hands?

- Painting.

- Ernest.

Are you doing something funny

with Madeline?

- Define funny.

- Oh, come on, Ernest. Cough her up!

Shh, shh, shh,

listen, Helen.

- We should go outside and talk.

- Why are you whispering?

- She's resting and in a foul mood.

- Are you nuts?

- She's resting!

- She's not resting.

She's dead, Ernest, just like we wanted,

just like we plotted together.

Remember? You may have done it alone,

but I can't walk away now.

- Not after you put us both in jeopardy!

- Shh!

We have to bury her in Death Valley

and be done with her once and for all.

- You have to listen to me.

- Stop waffling. She deserved it.

She was a home wrecker.

She was a man-eater.

And she was a bad... actress.

- Would you please listen to me!

- Oh, stop it!

Madeline is not ready

to be buried yet.

- She's upstairs resting peacefully.

- Oh, fine!

If she's not dead,

you tell her to come here.

Tell her to come here,

walk right up to me...

- and kiss me on the...

- Kiss you on the what?

- Mad?

- Hel.

- Darling.

- What have you two...

been plotting down here

or should I say, what else?

Are you angry, dear?

Are you very angry?

- It's alive.

- Madeline?

Oh, boy! Helen, I think you

should leave right away.

I see a very bad

situation developing here.

Dear? Madeline?

I just want you

to know one thing, Hel.

You brought

this on yourself.

Madeline!

Oh, my God!

- What have you done?

- What have I done? Defended myself.

You plotter, coconspirator!

- She's dead!

- She is?

These are the moments

that make life worth living.

My God, Madeline, that was horrible.

It was brutal.

It was stupid!

The police, Madeline! The police!

What are they gonna do? Put me

in the gas chamber? Big deal.

Life in prison? Know what that

means to a person in your condition?

- So negative. Let me enjoy the moment.

- What about the neighbors?

Neighbors? In 12 years in Los Angeles,

have you ever seen a neighbor?

Oh! I gotta think!

I gotta think!

One of us has

to stay rational.

I am completely rational.

We're going to bury her.

In Death Valley.

You and I.

I most certainly will not!

Oh, no? Pretty strong words

for a m*rder*r on the run,

which is exactly

what you are, Ernest.

What if the police should receive

an anonymous phone call about you...

and find me on the floor

not breathing, no pulse?

Ain't nobody can play dead

like me, Ernest.

What will you tell them? You're going

to be very popular in prison.

- Prison?

- Prison.

Do you know what they do to soft,

bald, overweight Republicans...

in prison, Ernest?

I'll get the shovels, dear.

And she even paid

for the hardware.

Don't you just love it?

Oh!

- Are you just gonna sit there?

- What?

- I won't be your accomplice by myself.

- I'll help.

- I'm happy to help.

- Help me stretch this out. Get the end.

- I'm very happy to help.

- Put the body right here.

Today really shaped up

in a hurry, didn't it?

Did you ever notice how some days

can start out so shitty...

and then suddenly something wonderful

happens and your whole outlook...

just suddenly... changes.

That... was totally uncalled-for.

Look at me, Ernest, just look at me.

I'm soaking wet.

And there seems to be something wrong

with your, uh, blouse.

I have a hole in my stomach!

Oh!

I have a hole

in my stomach!

Yeah, and you're still alive.

- It's another miracle!

- No, it isn't.

Ha! Ah-ha!

You took the potion!

- How do you know about that?

- Oh!

- You took the potion too.

- Well, I hardly needed it.

So that's why you look

the way you do and you are dead.

- When did you take it?

- October 26, 1985. Way before you!

- What are you talking about?

- The potion!

- How much did you pay?

- Everything I had.

- And that was cheap!

- You took a potion?

- Beauty book, my butt!

- Wait a second.

I don't think this is

a miracle at all!

You're a fraud, a walking lie

and I can see right through you!

Speaking of which,

as a friend, some advice.

I would stay out of

a bathing suit for a while.

At least, a two piece.

Or if l...

Damn. I just fixed this.

En garde.

- b*tch.

- Girls, girls!

Let's just calm down. I'm sure we can

settle this peacefully... Whoa!

You should learn not to compete with me.

I always win.

Yah! Yah!

You may have always won,

but you never played fair.

Oh!

Who cares how I played?

I won!

I'll just be upstairs.

That's 'cause you could raise

your legs higher than anyone.

But look at you now! You couldn't

raise an eyebrow without surgery!

I've raised a lot more

than an eyebrow in my day.

You skinny, phony,

hollow b*tch!

You've lost

your one and only talent.

Which was one more talent

than you had, you former fatso!

- Aaah!

- Yes! No! Oh, damn!

This is pointless!

Wait a minute, this is ridiculous!

We can't even hurt each other!

We can't even inflict pain!

Pain!

I'll tell ya about pain!

Bobby O'Brien!

Scott Hunter! Ernest Menville!

That's pain!

I loved every one of them

and they loved me.

I will not speak to you till

you put your head on straight.

They were all I had and

you took them away from me.

Not because you loved them,

not because you cared...

but just to hurt me on purpose.

- That is not true!

- Liar!

- You attacked me first!

- Me?

Do you think

I was blind, deaf?

I couldn't hear what you and your

snotty friends were saying about me?

- You thought I was cheap.

- Oh, please. You're insane.

Then how come you never invited me

to one of those parties at your parents?

Because we didn't think

you'd feel comfortable.

- It wasn't usual for... Stop that!

- I'm trying.

- It wasn't usual for us to have...

- Trash in the house!

You're avoiding the issue. You stole

my boyfriends to hurt me on purpose!

- I did not!

- Admit it!

No, you admit it.

You look me in the eye...

and you admit

you thought I was cheap.

Okay, I thought you were cheap.

Well,

I hurt you on purpose.

And I'm... really sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Ern, darling.

Helen and I want to apologize

for that little thing downstairs.

- We've got it out of our systems now.

- Yeah, thank God.

It was so awful hating you

and envying you at the same time.

You envied me?

I envied you!

- You did not!

- I did too.

- Specifically, what part did you envy?

- Your grade point for one.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

I just wanted to tell you both

that I've come to a decision that's...

very important

and long overdue.

- I'm leaving.

- You're what? Leaving? No.

- We need you.

- I promised Hel you would fix her.

And Maddie needs work too.

- You can go first.

- Oh, that's so sweet of you!

Thank you. Ern?

Come on. What do you say?

For old times sake.

Please!

On one condition.

When I'm done, I go.

You don't look for me.

You don't ask about me.

You don't even think

about me ever again.

I have no problem with that.

Do you?

Not anymore.

- Oh!

- Oh! It's amazing!

- Oh!

- Not a blemish! Not a pore!

Oh! Say what you will about Ernest,

but the man is a genius.

He is. He's a genius.

- Wait. You've got a little thing.

- Ooh!

Probably shouldn't have done that.

Ha-ha!

- I think it's still... wet.

- Can Ernest fix this?

- Yeah, I'll get him before he leaves.

- But wait a minute.

What if this

happens again?

What if it fades? Chips?

What if it rains?

- Will he come back for touch-ups?

- Even if he does,

he's not gonna live forever.

- That's not good.

- What are we gonna do?

- He'll have to take the potion.

- Yeah!

We'll take him to Lisle's.

She'll talk him into it.

He won't go to Lisle's. You heard him.

He's made up his mind about leaving.

That's true.

We have to respect that.

I know. We'll drug him.

Ern, darling.

My taxi here?

We thought you might

like some breakfast.

You know,

I was just thinking.

I was questioning myself.

I was wondering why...

I didn't pack this thing

five years ago,

six years ago, ten years ago,

instead of sticking around here...

and suffering

every indignity and humiliation.

I'll tell ya why.

Because I made a promise...

and that meant

everything to me.

Yes, it's all very noble

to keep your word.

Ernest? Your drink?

Do you know what they call someone who

sticks by their word no matter what?

- At the cost of all else? Do you know?

- No.

An idiot. From now on I'm gonna be

the kind of idiot I wanna be.

An idiot with a modicum of pride,

because you know what?

I finally realized something.

I've lived up to my promise.

Till death do us part.

Well, you girls are dead.

And I'm parting.

Cheers.

You know something else?

I drink too much.

What?

I'm glad to see you're awake,

Dr. Menville.

I hope you don't mind...

that Harry and d*ck

had to dress you.

You were improperly

attired for the occasion.

What occasion?

I'm throwing a party upstairs.

I throw one every spring

for my clients.

All right.

Okay.

- What do you want with me?

- To you...

I would like to give

a present.

The gift of life...

and youth forever.

I saw your wife

and friend.

You did brilliant work.

Show me your hand.

Come on.

I won't bite.

What are you doing?

I'm loving you.

My God!

Oh, thank you.

But don't be modest.

That's what you do.

This is what

you've always done.

Stopped time in people's

faces and in their hands.

You are like

Don Quixote,

tilting at

nature's windmill.

Drink it.

Go on.

It is the completion

of your life's work.

You gave

other people youth...

and wasted your own.

Drink!

You'll be able to work again...

forever.

Drink.

Drink!

Dr. Menville!

You owe yourself

another chance. Drink!

Make the right choice!

The only choice!

Drink!

Siempre viva!

Live forever!

Then what?

What?

- Then what happens?

- What?

I don't wanna live forever.

It sounds good, but what am I gonna do?

What if I get bored?

- What?

- What if I get lonely?

Who am I gonna hang around with,

Madeline and Helen?

What if something happens to me?

What if I get maimed?

What if I get shot?

What if somebody pushes me down...

What if I fall down a flight

of stairs or something?

- But you never grow old.

- But everybody else will.

I'll have to watch

everyone around me die.

I don't think

this is right.

This is not a dream.

This is a nightmare.

You people all

have to be stopped.

d*ck, Tom, Harry.

Get the potion from him!

- Get him! Get him!

- Relax. He won't get far.

Not at his age.

Welcome, everyone.

Lisle will be down in a few minutes.

First, I must remind all of you

who staged your own deaths...

of our very strict

policy against...

popping up in public

to grab a few headlines.

I won't name names.

You know who you are.

I was just trying to have some fun.

That's all.

Look!

There's Ernest!

Oh, my God!

He still looks like hell.

I don't think she gave him

the good stuff.

Look!

He's still got it!

Let's go.

Oh, everybody

gather round.

Lisle will be with us

in a very few seconds.

Gentlemen, please,

seal the room.

He's going up.

Idiot!

Oh, boy!

Ernest!

Ernest!

- Helen!

- Grab it!

- L...

- Ernest!

Ernest! Grab it!

Grab it!

Grab it!

Grab it!

Ernest! Do you still have the potion?

Do you still have it?

Find it! Find it!

It's the only way

you'll survive if you fall.

Drink it!

Drink it or you'll die!

- Oh!

- After you fall,

you can put yourself

back together again.

Drink it!

- Drink it. Drink it!

- Drink it!

Drink it! Drink it!

You have to!

We need you!

I'm sorry, dears.

You're on your own.

So...

are you gonna be

done soon or what?

Oh, yes!

I'm gonna be done very soon.

That was pretty neat.

It'd be better for both of you

to get him back.

- Yes?

- Nothing. It's too late. He got away.

- Damn!

- I said we should go to the airport!

- You said no such thing.

- I knew he wasn't coming back here.

- You have all the answers, don't you?

- Ohh! Look!

- I'm peeling already!

- Oh!

- Me too!

- Who's gonna fix this?

We're in trouble.

Ernest is gone.

We can't go back to Lisle's.

She told us to take care of our bodies.

- And look at us! We're dead!

- Yeah!

This is so embarrassing.

You know what this is? This is simply

a question of, uh, maintenance!

Yeah, this is upkeep. We just have

to be very careful with ourselves.

We have to take

care of each other.

I'll paint your a*s;

you paint mine.

- Who could have imagined?

- Yeah.

- You and me... together.

- Yeah, I know.

Depending on each other.

Painting each

other's asses.

- Day and night.

- Oh, yeah. Forever.

Forever.

We're gathered here today

to honor the passing...

of a man of courage

and of vision.

Now, Dr. Ernest Menville

always felt life begins at 50.

And since we know so little

of Ernest before that age,

perhaps in his case,

it's really true.

Because it wasn't until 50

he met his lovely wife, Claire,

that he had two sons

and four daughters...

and then like a

biblical patriarch...

began to spread

his message of hope...

to his adopted children

all around the world.

A brilliant academic

as well as a rugged outdoorsman,

Dr. Menville pursued with vigor

a variety of pursuits...

not just to attain

some personal ambition...

but to enhance

the world for us...

and make it a better place

than he found it.

Oh, and that he did.

The Menville Marriage

Counseling Clinic,

the Menville Center

for the Study of Women,

and of course, Ernest's AA chapter

will carry on long after his death.

...was for him

a delightful adventure.

Who among us never knew

Ernest the prankster? Hmm?

Ernest the storyteller?

We've all heard his tall tales about

the living dead in Beverly Hills.

- Ah, but you see...

- Oh, what?

- You're not crying, are you?

- I'm not crying.

I have...

something in my eye.

- Oh!

- Yech!

Oh! Do you have

that number 9 acrylic?

Look. I put it in your bag.

- Oh!

- I must have dropped it somewhere.

- No. I put it in your bag!

- Well.

Who could drop a big can of

spray paint for God's sake?

I had it

when we left the car, okay?

Let's get the hell

outta here.

I, for one, honestly believe

this teacher, this benefactor,

this man,

had in his own way...

learned the secret

of eternal life.

And it's here, among us,

in the hearts of his friends.

And the secret

of eternal youth right here...

in the lives of his children

and his grandchildren.

It is my opinion

that our beloved Ernest...

is one man

who will indeed...

live forever.

Blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah.

What'd you do

with that spray paint can?

Come on. Get off that. Let me see what

kind of a mess you've made of yourself.

Oh, yeah,

you're all runny.

- I must look ridiculous.

- No, I don't think anyone will notice.

But I think you're gonna need

a little bondo on the chin, babe.

- I gotta get to the hardware store.

- Oh, now, come on!

How could you have lost

an entire can of spray paint?

Why do I have to carry everything?

You get to carry a baby purse.

- Where did you see it last?

- If I knew, I'd know where it was.

- An entire can of spray paint.

- Get off it!

Has that ever worked? When you ask me

where I last saw something?

Yes. When you lost

your index finger.

- I didn't lose it. It broke off.

- That's because you crack...

Help me! My legs aren't working!

Help me!

Do you remember

where you parked the car?