Cheryl? Cheryl, where's
the good ice cream?
You know, the stuff we
don't share with the kids?
It's behind
the Brussels sprouts.
Oh! There it is.
Okay.
Spoons.
Spoons.
We have lived here seven years
and you don't know
where the spoons are?
I know where the spoons are.
Oh.
Are you sure?
Really?
The ice cream is melting.
Oh, damn!
Coupon drawer.
I swear, the silverware was
in that drawer yesterday.
Yeah, Jim. A magical elf
came and moved the spoons.
(LAUGHS)
(GRUMBLING)
Think he'll ever catch on?
Oh, please! He still thinks
that's the good ice cream.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING HELLO OPERATOR)
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
(SHOUTING) Hey!
Honey?
What?
Do you really think
this is appropriate?
Oh, that's the beautiful
thing about this song,
it sounds like you're gonna say
something dirty, but you never do.
All right, girls.
Your lunch is ready in the kitchen.
Good work, girls.
Your attention, please.
I have an announcement.
Something bouncy, maestro!
(SINGING HELLO OPERATOR)
Uh, no!
You guys are not
gonna believe this.
Not only am I not
gonna believe it,
I won't care!
I am going to be
on national TV.
What?
Yes!
I'm going to be on The Bachelor
, that reality show!
(EXCLAIMING)
The Bachelor?
The one where gorgeous women
fight over one
slick-haired pretty boy?
Yeah, that's reality.
I can't believe it.
I know! I just applied
for fun and I got picked.
Oh! This is so exciting!
Oh, I should have applied.
Oh, right.
You see, the way I see it, it's
like my own personal infomercial,
either I get the bachelor
or I get asked out by a hundred
guys who saw me on the show.
Yeah.
You'll get fan letters
from prisons in all states.
(LAUGHING)
Dana, don't listen to him.
You are smart,
confident, ambitious...
Honey, have you seen the show?
Yeah.
The guy picks the girl.
Smart, confident, ambitious
equals high maintenance,
thanks for playing.
What do you know about
The Bachelor?
Enough to know if you
wanna be a contestant,
you should enroll in the Jim
School of Seducing a Man.
Is that anything like Jim's
School of Holding Your Liquor?
Because that didn't go so
well at the Hannigan wedding.
(LAUGHS)
Cheryl, if they didn't want
people swimming in that pool,
they should have covered it.
They did.
Dana, I am serious.
You can win this thing.
You've got to make
the bachelor feel
like he's bigger
than he thinks he is.
Hmm. If he thinks he's smart,
make him think he's brilliant.
If he's funny,
make him feel hysterical.
If he's a pompous windbag,
make him think
you're listening?
Exactly!
Now, this goes for all men,
and when you feel like
you're getting in trouble,
talk about his mother.
They love their mothers.
And if he likes his
mother, be like her.
You know, that is true, Dana.
That's why you see me walking
around in my housecoat
and curlers
smoking a Pall Mall.
Cheryl, come on!
When we first met, you did
all that girlish stuff.
You laughed at
everything I said.
Oh, honey, that's different.
I genuinely thought
you were funny.
You know, then.
And you know, I wasn't
trying to win a contest.
But you did.
You won a lifetime supply of stud.
Oh, honey!
I don't know
if I'd say "won."
Yeah, or "stud."
Jim, you're telling her to
be something she's not.
Well, it's not like guys
are banging down the door
to get to the real Dana.
He makes a good point.
Oh, I'm sorry, Andy, I forget.
When was your last date?
No shortage
of good points today.
My first impression of Dana was,
you know, she was really cute.
So, anyway, I'm in advertising.
You know those commercials
for the American
Bread Council? Mine.
So, you know, if all goes well,
I should be partner
by May of .
RICK: But as we
started talking...
Well, as she started talking,
I began to realize that
we just weren't clicking.
I just think that some governments
exploit their people.
I mean, sure.
You can put a Band-Aid on it
and say that you don't care...
Um, excuse me, Dana?
Hmm?
This has been
really educational.
Uh, but it's getting late.
We should head back.
But what about that walk we
were gonna take by the river?
I think they closed that river.
Could you take us home?
High maintenance,
thanks for playing.
Hmm.
(ENGINE STARTING)
Wait. Wait!
Hmm?
You know what?
I have been talking about
myself this entire time.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Let's talk about you.
What's your mom like?
Oh, my mom?
Yeah.
She's great.
She thinks I'm really funny.
Uh-huh.
She loves my Peter
Jennings impression.
"Good evening,
I'm Peter Jennings."
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God!
That is just like
watching the news.
We got off to a rough start.
But once I saw
her real personality,
I was hooked.
Well, did you make the cut?
Oh! You made it!
Yes.
I'm so happy for you.
I know!
GIRLS: Yay!
And get this, this is so cool.
Rick is coming here tomorrow night
to have dinner with you guys,
(EXCLAIMING) Oh!
my family,
with a film crew.
(EXCLAIMS)
We're gonna be on TV!
Oh, go!
Go clean your rooms!
Honey! Honey!
My house is going
to be on television.
(GASPS) So is my butt!
Honey, there is no TV crew
gonna be traipsing
through my house
stealing all our valuables.
You mean your glass
collection from Chevron?
Cheryl, you don't get it.
Nobody has all eight.
It's not happening.
Jim... No, Cheryl. Jim's right.
I mean, who needs
a catering table
with five different
kinds of pies?
Five?
Well, it could be a good experience
for the girls, you know.
And, Cheryl,
they're bringing a stylist
to redo the whole house
for the night.
Oh, that's so great.
Maybe they can put in really big
furniture to make my butt look smaller.
You guys are going
to love Rick.
He's just so great
and he's so into me.
Oh! Oh! Do you
hear that, Professor?
Rick is into a smart,
confident woman.
Ha!
Yeah, about that. Um...
What?
Well...
What?
I tried to be myself, Cheryl.
But he was losing interest.
And?
And it was just
easier to do it Jim's way.
Oh!
Well, well, well, well,
well, well, well!
Looks like we have
another transfer student
to the University of Jim.
Please stop by the library
to pick up your copy of
the fight song.
(LAUGHS)
You should have
seen him, Cheryl.
I mean, his eyes lit up.
I couldn't bear to be myself.
(JIM LAUGHING)
So, you'd rather have an entire
relationship based on a lie?
Well, if it makes
me happy, why not?
I mean, I really like this guy, Cheryl.
I like him a lot.
Interesting!
After an entire lifetime of you
playing matchmaker to Dana,
I'm the one who
gets her a husband.
Isn't that a delicious enigma?
You know, Jim,
if I sculpted a man
out of crap,
he wouldn't be more full of
crap than you are right now.
Oh, excuse me, would you please put
those flowers on top of the piano?
Thanks so much.
(EXCLAIMING) I am in love
with these throw pillows.
Can I have them?
(LAUGHS) Kidding.
I love this.
It's like being married to a rich guy.
Oh!
Honey, we're rich in many ways.
Like our love.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you all miked up?
That's what we say in the biz.
Ah! My latte.
Yeah. Cold. Chad?
Can you do me a favor and run
this over to minutes ago,
when I wanted it?
Okay, you guys, how do I look?
I mean, I know I look great.
But I'm still really nervous.
I just really need
this night to go well.
Wish me luck.
You know what?
A graduate of the University of Jim,
they make their own luck.
Thank you, Jim.
(LAUGHING) Oh.
Well, Andy, do they give out
a Nobel Prize for love?
Because I humbly accept.
Jim, put on your headphones.
I can hear the bachelor
out on the porch.
JIM: Oh, cool.
This Dana chick, she
laughs at all my jokes.
She thinks I'm a genius.
It's too easy.
Tonight is going to be the
perfect one-night stand
and then, tomorrow,
I dump her on the show.
Oh, man.
This is unbelievable.
What a creep.
How can people be so cruel?
Chad? Yeah...
See my hand?
Guess what's not it?
A hot latte!
Come on.
Let's go teach this slick-haired,
pretty-boy bachelor
a lesson.
No! No! We can't b*at up
a guy on national TV.
We learned that at the Saint
Patrick's Day parade.
Okay. Let's tell Dana.
No, we don't tell Dana.
Dana tells Cheryl, Cheryl
discredits the School of Jim,
and a great institution
of learning tumbles down.
Well, we've got to
do something.
We can't let
him sleep with her.
What would make a guy
not want to sleep
with a beautiful
available woman?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(ALL GREETING) Hello!
Hi, Rick, I'm Cheryl.
He's so cute.
I know, let him go.
Oh.
Wow, you have a
beautiful home, Cheryl.
Oh, thank you!
Jim and I got
this vase in Italy,
when we were yachting.
These are our children,
Gracie and Ruby.
We got them from Cheryl
at Franklin General.
Hi, girls.
Are you gonna marry Aunt Dana?
If I told you, you
wouldn't watch the show.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God.
Wait till you guys see this.
Do your Peter Jennings.
All right.
Good evening,
I'm Peter Jennings.
(LAUGHS)
It's go time.
Why don't we all have a seat?
Yes!
Yes, let's.
Come on in. Here, let me get
your coat for you, Rick.
Dana's
a whack job. Run.
I hope Rick's ready,
'cause I have some pretty
tough questions for him.
Do you like pot roast?
No, I don't like it.
I love it.
Well, I'm just going to take our
soup terrine back into the kitchen.
We got it in Wales
while we were yachting.
You know, honey, I missed that trip.
Remember?
I was big-game hunting in
Africa with Nelson Mandela.
Well, I'll help you
with your entree.
I'll be right back, cutie pie.
Well...
Boy, those mushrooms just sh**t
right through you, huh?
Yeah. Time for me
to go to the can.
How about you, Rick?
I think I'm good.
What he's saying, Rick,
is that you'd be real smart
to get in there before him.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
You guys realize there
are cameras here, right?
Oh, yes! I think it's good
advice for the entire country.
Shall we?
Come on in.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Hey! A little privacy.
A little privacy.
Okay. I think I can pretty
much take it from here.
Have a seat.
(STAMMERS)
Look, I think everyone
here in this room
loves Dana.
That's right.
We wouldn't want anything
to happen to her.
Mmm-mmm.
But, when it comes
to men, she's...
A complete psycho.
Out of her freaking mind.
Okay, now you didn't hear
this from us, all right?
But a while back, she was dating
this guy that she was crazy about.
He sleeps with her once,
then dumps her.
Okay, she gets all obsessed.
Calls him at all hours
of the night.
Drives by his house,
steals his mail.
She joined his mother's
canasta club.
Okay, the guy finally
moves away to Bali.
Four years later,
he gets married,
comes out of the church
with his bride, in Bali,
gets into the limo
and guess who's driving?
Dana?
Dana, wow!
She is so complex.
I'm beginning to think that
I'm not good enough for her.
In fact, I know I'm not.
I'm not.
So, Rick, do you plan to
stay in the Chicago area,
'cause, you know, Dana
is a real Chicago girl.
Um, well, no.
I like to move all over the place.
Oh! Well, don't worry,
I'll follow you anywhere.
Just try and lose me.
Rick, come on, sit down next to me.
I don't bite.
For the love of God,
do what she says.
No, really, I'm fine over here.
Say, Rick, looks like you need
a little ice in your drink.
Dana, do you mind?
Oh!
She loves her ice pick.
I do. I really do.
Okay, that's great.
But I think I should be heading out. Uh...
What? But wait a minute,
you're meeting my family.
Dana, hand me the ice pick.
Nice and easy.
We all love you.
This has been really fun,
but I've gotta go.
Oh, but you can't go!
Dana, you are really nice
and sane and everything.
Back off!
What...
But we're perfect
for each other.
So, uh, what night is
this gonna show on TV?
All right, all right, all right.
Shut that off.
Show's over. Over.
What happened?
I don't know.
It was going so well,
then you and I went
into the kitchen
and the guys were
out in the dining room...
Excuse me.
Did you see his face
with the ice pick?
Oh, that was brilliant.
I just made that up.
(EXCLAIMING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Jim, honey, hi.
(LAUGHS) Hi.
Are you responsible for this?
Well, I think you have
to define "responsible."
Okay. Andy, were you
involved in this, too?
Cheryl, we had a very good reason.
Honest.
All right.
I want to hear this.
Uh-uh. Coaster.
Not ours.
Pretty comfortable bench, huh?
Apparently, we picked that up
ballooning in Switzerland.
Not now, Jim.
You know, Dana, maybe
this Rick wasn't ready
for a, you know,
long-term relationship.
He said he was.
Well, then, maybe I scared
the hell out of him
when I told him
you were a psycho.
You did what?
Dana...
Andy and I were listening
on the headset to him
and he was talking
to the crew and bragging
about how he was gonna sleep with
you and then dump you tomorrow.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
This is so embarrassing.
I am such an idiot.
I even laughed at his
stupid Peter Jennings.
Now, that was a slap in the
face to a fine journalist.
What was I thinking?
I wasn't thinking.
I was just blinded by the whole
fantasy of the roses and the
limousines and the cameras.
How low have I sunk?
I listened to you to get a man.
But when he turned out
to be a weasel,
I got rid of him.
At no extra charge.
So, it doesn't work
when I'm myself,
and it doesn't work when I
take your stupid advice.
It must be me.
Oh, come on.
It's not you.
Let me ask you a question.
How many women out there,
if they really knew me,
would want to be with me?
None.
You know, you could have waited a
couple of seconds before you answered.
One. Your sister.
That's all I needed.
And that's all you need,
is one.
You see, Dana,
we're what the experts call
hard-to-place people.
(LAUGHS)
You'll find somebody, just...
Just take some time.
Yeah, how do you know?
Well, that's because I'm the
president of an enormous university.
(LAUGHS)
Remember, for every
hand there is a glove.
For every ass,
there is a saddle.
And for every good woman,
there is a good man.
Thanks.
(SNIFFLING)
Mmm...
Are you gonna come back inside?
No, I'm gonna stay out here.
I need to shake off these nice
feelings I'm having for you.
Oh.
Probably...
Probably the best idea.
Oh, listen.
This little conversation...
Never happened.
That's my girl.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE) You were nice to my sister!
You were nice to my sister!
Very sweet, my lady.
Damn.
(SHOUTING) It's not
polite to eavesdrop.
Ow!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
And thank you, graduates
of the University of Jim.
Four years ago, you came here as
hapless, nagging, single chicks,
but under my tutelage,
you've become
the kind of broads
any man would be
happy to throw a ring at.
And now a word from
our class valedictorian,
runner-up on
the first Bachelor
and star of the new show
The Bachelorette,
Trista Rehn.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thanks, Professor Jim,
but what I have to say, wouldn't
be nearly as interesting as
hearing you talk.
I couldn't be more proud.