The reigning
Wiffle golf champion
lines up his sh*t.
With the winds today, the hole
should play left to right.
All right, I'm thinking about
using a four iron. Maybe a five.
What do you think, Ruby?
I don't know.
I'm five.
Good pick.
Ruby, you're fired.
Yay!
The champ addresses the ball.
Ooh! I think he's gonna
be very happy with that.
All right, we're going
to the mall, you coming?
Uh, yeah, I'm not
gonna be doing that.
Oh, that's right, you're
cleaning out the garage today.
Yeah, I'm not gonna
be doing that either.
I don't know why
I even ask anymore.
I don't even know why you
get out of bed anymore.
Oh.
All right, kiss goodbye.
Honey, honey, honey, I
got a birdie coming up.
I'll get you on the back nine.
This, for under par
and the lead.
Kyle, take note here.
You're gonna be
caddying next year.
Ooh!
I like this better
than real golf.
Half the walking,
twice the beer.
(GRUNTS IN AGREEMENT)
Care to join me
in the clubhouse?
ANDY: Mmm.
GRACIE: Mmm-hmm.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Dana, think about
what you're saying.
You want to have all three
of my kids for a sleepover?
Oh, Cheryl, it'll be fine.
I hired a nanny for the night.
What? Well, yeah, I
can't bond with them
when I'm busy feeding them
and giving them baths.
You really got that maternal
instinct thing down.
Yeah, I do. Don't I?
Besides, it'll give
you a nice break.
Hey, you wanna give me a break,
take Jim for the night.
Yeah, like I wanna have
him on my new rug.
Oh, my God!
Hey!
Cheryl, no!
Hey!
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
(STAMMERING) Yeah.
No, I'm fine.
Yeah. I'm...
Okay. Yeah.
(BOTH CRYING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(BOTH CRYING)
Look at you.
You can't drive.
All right, you do it.
I can't drive.
(SIGHS)
I'll just call Jim.
No! No, no!
You can't call Jim.
He'll freak out.
But Cheryl, we have
to do something.
No! No! We're just gonna sit
here until we calm down.
(EXHALES)
(HORN HONKS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
Oh! Oh, honey.
Oh, honey.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I think the sponge cake I had
for dessert cushioned the blow.
What's wrong with you?
What? I'm fine.
No, no, no, no, no. Yes.
Ever since you came back from the mall
you've been acting a little weird.
No.
Come on.
Oh, wait a second.
I know what's going on here.
Did Mommy spend a little
too much of Daddy's money?
You want a little knee
with that elbow, Jim?
Oh, you must have spent a lot, didn't you?
Was it more than $ ?
No. No.
Will you let it go?
Come on, Cheryl. I work hard for my money.
I wanna know...
I got robbed! Okay?
I knew it.
Did you valet park?
Jim, I got robbed.
I got mugged.
What?
(STAMMERING) Are you all right?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Why the hell didn't you tell me?
What happened?
Well, I was just...
I was just walking to my car
and this guy ran up behind
me and he grabbed my purse.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
What did the security guard do?
What did the police say?
I didn't call the police
'cause I got my purse back.
How?
Well, I...
(STAMMERING) I kind of
chased after the guy
and I tackled him
and I got it back.
I'm gonna brush my teeth.
(STAMMERING)
What, are you crazy?
Well, I...
I wasn't thinking.
Well, you could
have gotten k*lled.
The adrenaline just sort
of took me and I...
Cheryl, what if he fought back?
What if he had a g*n?
Well, he didn't.
Yeah, well, he could've.
And you know what, you could
be in a hospital right now,
or worse, you'd be in a morgue.
Will you calm down?
I am not gonna calm down here.
You talk about being a
responsible parent all the time,
and you go do this?
You know, you're supposed to be the
smart one out of the two of us.
Do you see why
I didn't tell you?
I knew you'd overreact.
I am not overreacting.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna go kick some ass.
Jim, you don't even know
what he looks like.
It doesn't matter,
Cheryl. Who cares?
It's after midnight.
The streets are full of scum.
Would you calm down?
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, yeah?
From now on,
neither are you, unless
I'm right by your side.
You go right, I go right.
You go left, I go left.
You go squiggly, I go squiggly.
All right. All right, Jim,
I get it, and it's insane.
What are you gonna do?
Follow me around for the rest of my life?
If I have to, yes.
Okay, no. No, honey, you're not.
You're not. No.
(PANTING) You're gonna
go to work tomorrow
and I'm gonna do my stuff
just like any other day.
Now, come on, sweetie,
let's go to bed.
Oh, please, Cheryl.
You think you're getting
sex after this?
I was talking about sleeping.
I can't sleep now.
I can't sleep now!
Oh, come on, honey.
Look, I made a mistake. I did.
It will never
happen again. Okay?
Look, the important
thing is I'm fine.
And I am.
So, come on.
Get a good night's sleep,
it won't look so
bad in the morning.
Come on.
Well, all right.
But I am not done
talking about this.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) Oh, Cheryl,
I'm sorry.
You've been through a lot today.
Mmm.
I just think it's cruel
to deny you sex.
(YELLING)
Looks like the streets are a
little bit safer now, huh?
What do you say
to that, dirtbag?
Ma'am, you left your credit
card at the register.
Thank you.
JIM: Thanks.
Jerk.
Hey, hey, you shouldn't be
running around in parking lots.
Yeah. Talk about being in the right
place at the right time, huh?
Oh, yeah, oh, right there.
Man, I didn't realize how sore
I'd gotten tackling that mugger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, my turn.
Oh.
(SIGHS) I don't feel like it.
Hey, I massage your back,
you massage mine.
That was the agreement.
Yeah, I'm not gonna honor it.
Cheryl, oh, Cheryl.
Oh, honey, oh, I'm so glad you're home.
What? Hey, I stubbed my toe
on the fridge earlier.
Would you knock it down and
b*at it senseless for me?
Cheryl. Very funny.
Very funny.
And I thought
we talked about this.
I overreacted and I'm fine now.
Andy, thanks for watching Cheryl.
Your shift is over.
(EXCLAIMS) No, problem, buddy.
I'd like to get that
bucks you promised.
Oh, yeah, I'm not
gonna give you that.
You know, you two are
perfect for each other.
Sit down.
Sit down, honey.
All right, I've been
thinking, and you know what?
I know that I cannot
follow you around all day.
No.
And even if I could,
that would be "wrong."
Yes.
I know that now.
I understand that.
Thanks to a phone call from the
attorney of the guy I tackled.
Well, honey,
I'm very proud of you.
Looks like you really
thought this through.
Yes, I did.
And you know what?
I found a way to
make peace with it.
Really?
Yes.
Cheryl, meet your new
bodyguards, Gunter and Fritz.
(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
(GASPS)
Oh, dear God.
What's the matter?
(WHISPERING) I have half a roast
beef sandwich in my pocket.
You bought two German
shepherds to protect me?
I didn't buy them.
They're rentals.
They're good, too.
Roger Ebert had them for a while.
They're very gentle.
But you're gonna have to learn German.
What?
"German" shepherds?
Their native tongue?
Here. I got a cheat sheet.
(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
(BOTH BARKING)
No.
Shut up!
(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Quiet!
(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
GIRLS: Doggies. Doggies!
Hey! Stop it.
Nobody move.
Cheryl, they're perfectly safe.
Gracie, come over here and give
Gunter a little kiss on the lips.
CHERYL: Gracie, no.
Hey, guess what, girls?
Your sleepover at Aunt Dana's
is gonna start a little early.
Hey, take them to a movie. Okay.
I want to see Candy Ponies
in Rainbow Land.
Oh, you know what,
I saw that last night.
But we could go shoe shopping.
Come on.
She's lying.
You know what, um, I'm
gonna head out, too.
What are you doing?
I'll introduce myself later
when my pants are meat-free.
Hey, they're cute, huh?
Watch this.
Gunter, bang!
See. How about that?
Clean family fun.
And razor-sharp
choppers, too.
Look at that.
Look at that.
No, no, no, I want these
monsters out of my house.
Cheryl, just try
them for hours.
If you haven't bonded
with them by then,
I'll get rid of them.
Jim...
Come on, it's a better deal
than I got with Andy and Dana.
Oh! Oh!
(STAMMERING)
(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
Hey, were you bonding
with the boys?
No, it's creepy.
I feel like a prisoner.
Does that make you hot? No.
You know what?
You're gonna sleep better
tonight than you have in years.
Not that sleeping is on the
itinerary for this evening.
CHERYL: What's that?
Cheryl, we've been
married for years,
if you don't know by now...
(SHUSHING)
(SOFT THUDDING)
(WHISPERING) Honey.
I heard that.
What are you doing?
My job.
Secure this household.
Protect you. Protect the family.
I am Homeland Security.
Okay, I'm gonna get Gunter,
and I'm gonna
leave Fritz for you.
Okay.
All right.
att*ck command.
att*ck command.
Shouldn't I know
the att*ck command?
Yes. Yes.
Okay, here.
Got it? Got it?
Yeah.
Don't forget it. Stay here.
Stay right here.
Fritz, could you watch
my wife, please?
So, uh, Roger Ebert,
what's he like?
(BARKS)
(SCREAMS)
Okay.
(EXCLAIMS)
Did I leave that window open?
You know, you live
in this country now.
You should learn the language.
Yes, I did.
Okay, come on.
Oh. What was that?
(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
(BARKING)
Holy crap!
Jim!
This way.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
(SCREAMS) Whoa!
Cheryl, the bathroom,
the bathroom!
(CHERYL SCREAMING)
Cheryl. Cheryl. Cheryl.
What are you doing down here?
I told you to stay in the room.
I got scared.
What do you mean, scared?
I left you with a savage att*ck dog.
Oddly, I was not
comforted by that.
We're fine.
We're gonna be fine.
As soon as I give them
the release command
they're gonna instantly
turn into teddy bears.
Do it.
(SIGHS)
It's upstairs on the list
in the bedroom, isn't it?
You know, you really
should redo this grout.
How can you talk about grout
when the only thing between
us and the jaws of death
is the cheapest door
I could find?
How long has it been?
Two hours and minutes.
You think they're gone?
No, Cheryl, we gave them
the att*ck command.
Their only mission in
life is to tear us apart.
Would you check?
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
(DOGS BARKING)
(SCREAMS)
I told you we should have
gotten a phone in the bathroom.
If we had a phone we could
have called Roger Ebert.
Or the police?
Oh, now you wanna
call the police?
(SIGHING) Cheryl,
if I would have just gone to
the mall with you that day,
we wouldn't be here right now.
It happened. It's over.
Can you let it go?
How can you be so
okay about this?
I am not.
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified, Jim.
I have to go to that
mall all the time,
and I'm scared every time I
pull into the parking garage.
What am I gonna do?
Not go to the mall?
Yes, I was...
Not gonna happen.
Jim, come on. I gotta go on
with my life and so do you.
I know, Cheryl.
But...
What?
I don't know.
Nothing.
Oh, Jim, come on, it's not like
we're going anywhere. Tell me.
It's the first time that I actually
considered the possibility that...
What?
That you could die before me.
Oh, honey.
I know, but I mean, if something
ever happened to you, honey,
I would start crying
and I could never stop.
Aw...
I mean, you know what?
I didn't even kiss you that day. You know that?
And that could have been
the last time I saw you.
Oh, honey,
I know. I know.
I think about that stuff too,
and sometimes it
really freaks me out.
But, you know what, sweetie,
we just can't dwell on that.
We really... We need to enjoy
the time we have here together.
Okay?
Mmm.
You just kissed me
on the toilet.
You said you would
never do that.
Special circumstances.
Well, what would happen if suddenly
I was just out of the picture?
What would you do?
How would you support yourself?
Living trust.
Well, that's good.
You're prepared.
How long would you...
A year.
And who would...
Andrew.
My yoga instructor.
(RAZZES) He's gay.
He's so not gay.
Cheryl, if you wanna continue going
to that yoga class, he's gay.
All right, how about you?
You must have somebody picked out.
Well, I don't dwell
on it, but...
(CHUCKLING)
I think it would have
to be Melissa Stark
from Monday Night Football.
Okay.
Or that girl with the big
knockers at the Buy & Bag.
Oh, please!
Those are so fake!
They're not fake.
Jim.
You wanna keep going to the
Buy & Bag, they're fake.
Okay, they're fake.
So, here we are.
I can't follow you around. No.
Gotta get rid of the dogs.
Yes. And you insist
on leaving the house.
(CHUCKLING) Yes.
What am I supposed to do?
Same thing I do every time
you bite into a chili dog.
Look the other way
and hope for the best.
Yeah. I should really give those
things up but I know I'm not gonna.
Gracie. She does
this all the time.
She takes one bite
and she throws it away.
No, honey, don't eat that.
No, no, I'm...
What are you doing?
Getting us out of here. What?
Remember this allergy
medicine that you took?
Yeah.
Remember how it knocked
you out for half a day?
Yeah.
It'll do the same
thing to the dogs.
Oh. Oh, oh, honey.
Is that much okay for them?
Honey, they are
trying to k*ll us.
I think I'm being nice.
Okay. Don't
worry about it.
Well, okay.
It's just gonna knock them out.
They won't die.
Okay, careful.
(DOGS BARKING)
(DOGS SNARLING)
Okay. It'll take about
minutes for it to kick in.
Oh, honey.
We got minutes.
I know.
What do we do
with the other ?
(LAUGHS) Oh!
(IMITATING HARRY CAREY)
This is Harry Carey.
Holy cow, Stoney.
Saturday afternoon,
Wrigley Field.
Got a couple of fans in
the crowd doing the wave.
Who would have thought this kid
from the wheat fields of Illinois
could give the Cubs their first
World Series championship
in years?
Outside toy!
Outside toy!
All right. We're going to the
mall to replace the vase
that Gracie broke
at Aunt Dana's.
JIM: Oh.
CHERYL: I know.
I hope they didn't
keep you up all night.
Oh, are you kidding?
It was the nanny's problem.
I was in bed by : .
Oh, Cheryl, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What? Wait a minute.
Before you go.
Oh.
Here.
Emergency whistle.
Put it in your pocket.
Pepper spray.
Spray them right in the eyes.
And, here, nail g*n.
Jim!
Come on, honey.
Will you just take it with you?
I want you to be safe.
I'm not bringing a nail g*n.
All right, I'll
keep it for myself.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
What?
You forgot the most
important thing.
If this goes on much longer,
can I have the nail g*n?
Aw!
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Bye.
Bye.
The count remains full
as lover boy
digs into the play.
Let's hope his mind
is back on the game
and off the kissy-kissy.
Cubs win!
Yes, Cubs win!
Cubs win!
(CHEERING)
Thank you, Uncle Andy.
We love you.
(ANDY CHUCKLES)
Oh, I love you too, girls.
Okay, time's up.
Uncle Andy's turn.
Sucker!
Sucker!
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
I can't believe this family!
Okay, I'll do it.
Thank you.
At least there's one other
decent person around here.
Can you do me first?
Sure, no problem.
Okay.