Hi, Mommy.
Sweetie.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey. Okay,
hand me that.
Honey, what did I tell you about
eating food off the floor?
That's just for Daddy.
That's right.
All right, now go down to the kitchen,
get a clean one and eat it there.
Okay.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Oh, Cheryl, will you stop obsessing
over that stupid baby report card?
The pediatrician said
Kyle was perfect.
I just don't get it. His height and
weight are right down the middle
but his head size is
just off the chart.
I gave birth to Mr.
Potato Head. Mmm.
(DOOR OPENS) Hey.
Oh, well, son of
Mr. Potato Head.
(LAUGHS)
Cheryl, I have got some great news
that's gonna knock your socks off
and hopefully your
shirt and pants too.
Oh! We got a free trip to Vegas!
Yeah, Sin City, Bugsy
Siegel's folly in the desert.
Did you want to tell them? Yeah.
Wait, we got a free
trip to Vegas?
Well, not exactly "we."
Yeah, no, no, it's
a business trip, okay?
This foam insulation company is
sending me and Jim to a trade show
to demonstrate
their new product.
Did you want to
tell them that too?
Yeah. So it's just
you and Andy?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Dana, you want to come?
What?
Well, we need an assistant
for the demonstration.
And as an added bonus, she's
like a human rabbit's foot.
Oh, no, you guys. That time at the
riverboat casino was just a fluke.
Oh, come on, I made
bucks at baccarat.
I don't even know what that is.
And I won at the slots and that
rash on my inner thigh cleared up.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, I am not going without Cheryl.
Ha!
All right.
But if you wanted to come,
the company would pay for your
whole trip plus bucks a day.
I'll get you something really
nice from the gift shop.
Oh!
Jim, I don't believe you. What?
We haven't been on a vacation since...
I don't know when.
Oh, baloney! What about that time
we went downtown for five nights
and they waited
on you hand and foot.
The hospital?
Well...
I was giving birth to your son.
Cheryl, you didn't
have to cook, did you?
All right, fine. Fine.
But if you're gonna go on a vacation,
I'm gonna go on a vacation.
What? And if you're not
taking us with you,
then I'm taking
the kids to Hawaii.
Well, I... Yeah, first class.
On a yacht.
Oh! Presidential suite.
All right. All right.
All right.
Family vacation in Vegas.
(EXCLAIMS)
All right, pack your bags
and shave your legs.
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
(GIGGLES EXCITEDLY)
Well, I'm off to the mall.
I saw this pair of shoes that really say Vegas.
In what way?
They have the word
"Vegas" written on them.
Hey, I'll go with you. I could use one
of those Mrs. Smetzel's Pretzels.
They are so good.
I swear there's nicotine in them.
Okay, what's up?
You hate Vegas.
Okay. Can you
keep a secret?
Not if you tell it to me.
From Jim?
Oh, okay, my pleasure, spill.
All right, you ready? Yeah.
I've been keeping in
touch with Jim's sister.
Roxanne?
Oh, my God.
Yeah. I've been trying and trying to figure
out a way to get them talking again.
Well, a year ago,
she moved to Vegas.
This is perfect.
It's like destiny.
Okay, wait a minute, Cheryl,
don't they hate each other?
Oh, Dana, come on.
If they really
hated each other,
they would have signed
the police report.
(EXCLAIMS HAPPILY)
Blackjack! I can't lose.
Thank you, rabbit's foot.
(SIGHS)
(STAMMERING)
(GRUNTING)
Hey, how's it going?
Oh, I hope you have your oven
mitts on, because I am on fire.
Yeah, Maverick here
is up bucks.
All right, look. You know what?
I gotta go to the bathroom.
I've been standing
here for two hours.
(GRUNTS)
Fine. Fine, go.
Uh, can we play this one just
for fun until she gets back?
Oh! Busted.
Well, Cheryl, I guess
you're not any luck.
Must've used it all up
when you met me.
That's right, honey, you're the
jackpot that just keeps paying off.
(LAUGHING)
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's right, sweetie.
Hey. You know what I always
think is great about Vegas?
What? Fifty shrimp
for a buck?
Yeah, yeah.
That. That.
But also, with all the millions
of people from around the world,
Right. you can actually run
into someone you know.
Oh, yeah?
Did you see somebody?
Yeah, darned if it
wasn't your sister.
(MOUTHING)
What? She's here? What?
Yeah, I was surprised too.
Oh! Look,
here's Roxanne now.
Hey, Jimmy. I see Daddy's
forehead finally came in.
So did Mama's mustache.
What the hell
are you doing here?
Besides stopping traffic with
a rack that just won't quit?
Cheryl called.
Oh, yeah?
She said you wanted
to patch things up.
Well, yeah.
That's great.
Can I speak to you
for a second?
Excuse me, Sis.
We'll be just one second.
Family vacation?
I knew you had an exterior motive.
It's ulterior, Jim.
Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna believe
anything you say right now.
All right, this is
why I wanted to come.
But, honey, it's just
that I care about you.
Come on, it's not natural to be
cut off from your own family.
Cheryl, I cut her off because I don't
want her anywhere near our family.
I don't want...
Shh.
So she owes you a little money.
Oh, it's not about that.
I've forgotten about
the $ , . .
Roxanne is not good.
You've seen how
she uses people.
She doesn't even
think twice about it.
I know, honey.
I know it's been that way in the past.
People do change.
My sister does not change.
Oh, really? You know that guy Rick?
He's out of her life.
She said that the last time.
She always says that.
Then the guy running the
Tilt-A-Whirl takes off his shirt
and she falls in love
all over again.
Oh, he'll be back in a second.
Just set it down, honey.
Jim...
What?
She's never even met Kyle, her own nephew.
Isn't that sad?
Yes, it's sad.
But I don't want to get sucked up
into that screwed-up
world of hers again, ever.
(GRUNTING) I want her
out of my casino.
All right, all right.
Quit giving Cheryl a hard time.
Just take this.
It's for you.
What's this?
It's called a check.
If you take it to a bank, the
nice people turn it into money.
A hundred and fifty bucks?
Put it towards what I owe you.
I know it's not much,
but it's a start.
Wow.
You've never paid
me back for anything.
Jimmy.
I know you don't believe me
but I really have
turned things around.
Hey, she even has her own business here in Vegas.
Tell him, tell him.
Oh, yeah, I'm a hair stylist.
I paid my way
through beauty school
working as
a magician's assistant.
Oh.
Yeah, check it out.
Okay, Roxanne, I get it.
I get it. I get it.
Roxanne, I get it.
Come on, what do you say?
Can I buy my big brother
a cup of coffee?
Yes, he'd love it.
(MOUTHING)
Is that on top of the $ ?
Sure, I'll let you
leave the tip.
All right, Roxanne.
'Cause I'd never leave a tip.
Oh...
So there's this wet cement in front
of our Uncle Paul's restaurant.
Oh, please.
And everybody else is writing
their names in it with sticks.
But little Jimmy here
drops trou
and plants his butt cheeks
right in the middle of it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You know, he still does that
with every foundation we pour.
Oh, come on.
What can I say,
I like to sign my work.
All right?
Aunt Roxanne,
I like your nails.
And I like your make-up.
You can really see it.
Oh...
Well, you know what?
The key is the foundation.
You want to know
who gave me that tip?
Barbara Mandrell.
Last time she played here.
She knows Barbara Mandrell
like I know Howie Mandrell.
Roxy. Roxy.
Oh, hey, Wayne. Hey!
Good to see you.
I just popped in for a little key lime pie
but it seems that things
have gotten a lot sweeter.
(LAUGHING) Oh, stop!
Hey, everybody,
this is my friend Wayne.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
You're Wayne Newton.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Hi.
How're you doing?
Okay, you probably
don't remember this
but when I was in
the fourth grade
I went to see you
at Rosemont Horizon.
And you looked right out into
the audience and you said,
"There's..." "There's a young
lady that's gonna grow up
"and break many,
many hearts."
Oh, my God.
You remember.
How could I forget?
I say that every show.
Hey, Wayne, I want you to meet my
big brother Jim and his family.
Hey. Nice to meet you.
Hi. How are you, Wayne?
Hey, good to see you.
Oh! This is the...
This is the butt in the cement guy?
Yeah.
Yeah. That's me.
Yeah, yeah, he likes to
make a good impression.
My wife. Thank God she's
beautiful, right, Wayne?
And by the way, my wife
wanted me to say thank you
because she was thrilled with
the new 'do that you gave her.
Oh...
Well, tell her I said
Danke Schoen.
(ALL LAUGHING)
You're really a special lady.
Thank you, Roxy.
Wayne, your wife's already
getting a % discount.
You can stop kissing my butt.
See you, guys.
See ya.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
You cut Wayne Newton's wife's hair!
That is so cool.
Yeah.
And I'll have a lot more high-class
clients like that once I get my chair.
Your chair?
Well, you have to rent the
chair space in a hotel salon.
Then you start making
the big bucks.
Oh, and when I do, I'll be
sleeping late and eating steak.
Wow, you are Jim's sister.
Oh, come on.
Aunt Roxanne, can you come on
the roller coaster with us?
Okay, but I gotta warn
you, I'm a screamer.
Are we still talking
about the roller coaster?
Hey-o!
Wait a minute.
No. Jimmy, I got this.
Hey... Huh?
Your sister's doing
pretty well.
Well, I guess so.
You glad I stuck my cute little
button nose into your business?
Well...
It is nice to see her,
you know, with the kids.
See? You gave her a chance
and she rose to the occasion.
I guess anything can happen.
Got the tip, but there's a Canadian
quarter in there. Don't tell anybody.
When are you gonna
start at the salon?
Well, soon, I hope.
I just got to raise $ , .
Somehow.
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that, Cheryl?
She was working me,
did you hear that?
Honey, she didn't
ask you for anything.
Oh, no, not directly.
She's too smart for that.
First she gives me
a little of my money back.
Gets me to trust her, then she
hits me for the big chunk.
Well, forget it,
she's not getting a dime.
I am not an ATM machine.
I am so embarrassed, you guys.
But I seem to have
left my wallet at home.
Could I borrow five bucks
to pay for the pie?
Sure.
Thank you, Jim.
Oh, you're welcome.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Not a problem at all.
What? He's good for it.
(GROANS)
God! I just don't get it.
I'm lucky for everybody except me.
I've been sitting here
losing for two hours.
I blew my whole
unemployment check.
Yeah, I'm sure those words have never
been spoken in this room before.
(BEEPING)
(COINS RATTLING)
(LAUGHING) Yes!
Excuse me, these cups
are for winners.
Well, I'm off to get us all tickets
for the best damn show on the Strip.
What's that?
Oh! It's amazing.
It's Samson and Delilah,
it's the Titanic,
it's the History of the World,
as told by topless women.
Oh! Thanks.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(GRUNTS)
Hey, how you doing?
Losing!
Oh.
So, did you get Jim to change
his mind about Roxanne?
No, he won't budge.
Maybe he's right about her.
I think he's wrong this time.
I really think she's changed.
Well...
You really believe in people.
I don't get that.
I just wish I could
help her get set up.
(BEEPING)
(COINS RATTLING)
Twenty-five
hundred dollars!
(EXCLAIMS)
Twenty-five
hundred dollars!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I couldn't be happier for you.
Look! Look! Look!
Shouldn't I, like, you know,
wear a life vest or something?
The canal is only
three feet deep, signor.
A person can drown in an
inch of water, you know.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Jim. Hey.
What's with the hat?
Oh, well, I thought it might
get windy out on the water.
Cheryl, we are inside
on the second floor.
There's a smoke detector
in that cloud.
Yeah, well, I'm wearing a hat,
you're wearing black pants
with white socks.
So, let's move on.
Shall we?
All right.
Oh, honey, look at this.
(LAUGHING)
Isn't this romantic?
Yes, it is.
Mmm.
Now we never have to
go to Europe.
Yeah. Nice try.
Thank you.
Signori, it's traditional
for lovers to kiss
when they go under
the Bridge of Sighs.
Well, I don't wanna
mess with tradition.
Hello?
Oh. Hey, sweetie.
Oh. Oh. No...
Whoa!
We'll never get under that
bridge with that hair.
Oh...
Wait, hold it.
Did Roxanne do that?
Yeah.
She just wanted to do
something nice for me.
Oh, yeah? Why would she
want to do that, Cheryl?
Did you do something
nice for her?
Honey, I mean...
Huh?
All right, I won
$ , at the slots
and I gave , of it
to her for the chair.
What? Are you nuts?
How could you do that? What?
I wanted her to have it.
I don't care, you don't
get involved in that.
Why?
Because she's
my sister, not yours.
Well, she's
my sister-in-law.
Oh, I don't care
what she is to you.
You don't do that!
Why are you getting so bent out of shape?
Because I already
gave her the $ , .
Wow...
At least I got
a hairdo out of it.
You know what I'd like to
see in one of these shows?
What?
Emmanuel Lewis getting
sh*t out of a cannon.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, hey, Jimmy, I'll be
with you in a second.
Why don't you just grab
a National Geographic?
The one on the bottom
has native girls in it.
You know what? I don't even care
about naked women right now.
That ought to tell you
how mad I am.
So I guess Cheryl told you
how she gave me the money.
Yeah.
And I noticed you didn't tell her
how I gave you the $ , already.
Did you?
You made me promise
not to tell her.
I was gonna give it back.
Oh, right, Roxanne.
Oh, here we go.
I'm the screw-up who always screws up.
Nobody ever believes me.
Oh, come on, Roxanne, you know, that
little act might've worked with Daddy
but it won't work with me.
Oh.
Well, why don't you just shut
up and look on the counter?
Right there in that envelope.
There's two grand in there.
Ouch!
What do you want, honey?
You got a lot of knots.
You are so full of it.
The only reason you're
giving me this money
is because
I caught you in a lie.
Oh. Is that
what you think?
That's right, Roxanne.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna give you Cheryl's money too.
You know what?
I'll take it.
Well, just tell me something.
Why did you give me the money in the first place?
You know what?
I don't know.
Maybe because I still had hope that I was wrong about you.
But you know what? I wasn't.
You love this.
As long as I'm the loser, you get
to be the big hero of the family.
With your marriage and
your job and your house.
Hey, everybody, look at me!
I'm Jim! I've
never been to rehab!
All right, all right.
Turn it on me.
All right, but I'm done
cleaning up your messes.
You better not be
lying about this.
Oh, boy, $ , burning
a hole in my pocket.
I'm thinking flat-screen
TV in the bathroom.
Yeah.
Or we could blow it
on something stupid.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, we could.
Stop. Is that
who I think it is?
You've got to be kidding me.
Roxanne. Roxanne.
What're you doing here?
I thought you didn't have the money to do this.
Well, now I do.
What did you do?
Rob a bank?
No, I got the money
from my new boyfriend.
What did he do?
Rob a bank?
No, he's a great guy.
He's warm and nice.
And unlike you, he happens
to believe in me.
Hi, darling!
Hello, butter muffin.
(CHUCKLES)
Just ruined butter and
muffins for me. Yeah.
JIM: Next time on
According to Jim.
Yeah, Andy,
I gotta talk to you...
Oh, Jim. I know what you're
gonna say and don't worry.
The Andy-man
can handle himself.
Of course, I don't have to,
now that I'm dating
your sister.
You gotta dump her.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS) Oh!
Where's my sister?
You mean my wife?
She's sleeping in.
Had her up pretty late
last night.
(DRUM SOLO PLAYING)
I've made my decision. Okay?
Roxanne is my wife.
Now you two need to decide if you
want to be in or out of our lives.
Does that sound like
a patsy to you?
Hell, no.
(CAR HORN HONKS) You know what?
I gotta go.
(STAMMERING) Whoa, wait.
You're not going anywhere
until you tell Andy
exactly what you're doing.
Could you tell him?
See, we're not really that close.
I have nothing to live for.
I'm a cuckold!
Yes, a cuckold!
We're all cuckolds
if we don't have Fab-U-Foam insulation.
Jim, the hose!
What? The Hose?
Andy! Andy! The hose!