01x02 - Free Goat

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Can you imagine, though? Boy out jogging with his daddy.

Boom, daddy dropped.

Nancy: if my husband dropped dead, I'd suck out, lift up, and inject anything that moved.

I heard there was nothing. I wonder how she's getting by.

Woman: dr*gs sell themselves, biscuit.

"Keep kids off dr*gs." Cries the pot-dealing mom.

If it gets you through the night, good for you, nance.

Can we have sex in your house?

Nice.

Her husband's boning the tennis pro.

Woman: helen chin?

That little c**t.

Man: and 5, 6, 7, 8...

Sell it, ladies. And go.

Give me shoulders. Give me attitude.

Heads down, ladies.

You know about celia's husband, sleeping with the tennis pro.

He's h*m*?

Not victor, the oriental girl.

Helen chin? But she completely transformed my serve.

I hope they don't fire her.

Ladies. Throwing stones in a glass room?

Oh, we're gossiping about celia.

Lovely.

Come on, nancy, it's harmless fun.

Probably not for celia.

Oh, please. Celia wasn't programmed to feel.

Why don't you chat about who your husbands are f*cking?

Oh, look, here come the girls.

You take care, nancy.

It must be so hard for you, being all alone.

God bless.

Mom?

I thought blanca was picking me up after school.

Yes, well, surprise.

Blanca had to take your sister to the airport.

The airport? Yeah.

Where's she going?

Uh, quinn is on her way to boarding school in mexico.

She didn't say anything.

Yeah, well, not a sentimentalist, your sister.

Can we talk about this in the car?

But... In the car.

Go and change your clothes. I'll meet you at the desk.

Go on.

Nancy: mr. St. Denis, so nice to see you.

Always a pleasure, mrs. Botwin.

Shane's doing very well in karate.

I'm so glad to hear that.

Mom, the lady at the desk says you need to pay.

I wrote a check last week.

She said your check didn't clear.

There must be some explanation.

Yeah, you don't have any money in your checking account.

I'll go to the desk and straighten everything out.

Go back to class. I got to pee.

Fine, hurry up. Hold up the belt.

Remember to hold up the belt so it doesn't get wet.

Shane: mom...

Hey, nancy. Hi, celia.

Doug: nancy, hey, check this out.

Ow!

Oh, sh*t, nancy, I am so sorry.

What did you just chuck at my face?

It's called a "roomerang."

And when you throw it... Whoops...

It's supposed to come back to you when someone else's face doesn't get in the way.

But I'm not saying you did that on purpose.

Can I have a tissue? Oh, sure. Here.

Doug, we need to talk.

Oh, no. No, no. Don't tell me you're dry.

I'm not dry, doug. I'm broke.

Thank god.

Maybe I should save some money by f*ring my accountant.

Okay, let's not get carried away.

We should brainstorm on this...

Have some dialogue, confab, powwow.

I can't believe I trust you with my money. You're an idiot.

I'm an idiot savant.

Say what you will about me personally, but I'm a great f*cking cpa.

You won't let me deposit cash in my checking account.

I'm running all over town, paying my bills with cash.

Because I can't have a paper trail of cash deposits.

You got to trust me on this.

What am I supposed to do, sell my house?

How about lupita, your housekeeper?

She's like family.

Besides, her daughter is still in court-reporting school.

I started selling so I could maintain my life-style, not dismantle it.

Well, you're going to have to sell more.

Nancy, it's the oldest rule in business... Buy low, sell high.

You get it?

Sell high.

If you ever make a business card, you could use that.

Doug...

Okay.

All right, listen, I've been working on setting up a small-business loan for you so we can have a front to launder money through.

This way, you can replenish your checking account, pay some bills, and... Boom... Bob's your uncle.

What's my legitimate small business?

I don't know. Pick something.

Paperwork's all the same.

Just let me know what you want.

Could my cover business become my real business?

In this economy, small business is f*cked.

But that'll be good for us. Don't worry about it.

Just pick something with low inventory, okay?

I am so screwed.

Now, stop that. Everything's going to be great.

I'm guaranteeing you seven customers at tomorrow's game.

Oh, and if you could be here by 8:00, that would be perfecto.

How about a little cash up front?

Sure.

Ah, sh*t, I'm all tapped out.

I'll hit the atm later, I promise.

Nance, I'd offer to write you a check, but that seems insensitive, not to mention unwise, because if you should get caught, I can't have it coming back to me.

Nancy: silas!

Is there a phone off the hook upstairs?!

Silas: it's dead.

What?!

It's dead.

All the phones are dead.

Oh, sh*t.

Don't worry.

I'll go on-line, pay it right now.

Why... Why can't I get on-line?

Because dsl is connected through the phone.

I'll give you 50 bucks right now if you don't give me any grief about this.

Cool.

Hey, you haven't talked to quinn's mom lately, have you?

I saw her at karate.

Well, you didn't say anything to her, right?

About what?

You know, about how you caught me and quinn.

Why would you think that?

Because I haven't heard from quinn, and she wasn't at school.

I don't know, I just... I don't get it.

She didn't say goodbye?

Goodbye? What do you mean "goodbye"?

I heard celia saying something about quinn going to mexico.

Mexico?

I don't know. I overheard.

Quinn...

Quinn wouldn't go to mexico without telling me.

I'm sorry, honey, I don't know the whole story.

You're sorry?

She's probably been trying to call me.

What the hell is the matter with this family that we can't even have a g*dd*mn working phone?

Such a f*cking mess.

Silas.

Hi, missus.

Hi, lupita. How you doing?

I think I have the menopause.

I'm thinking I am going to have another baby, and I cry, and then I hear, "no, it is the menopause."

And I say, "thank you, god."

So you no pay me last week.

I didn't?

You no pay me. Are you sure?

You pay me now?

Okay, gracias.

Good morning.

I am shane botwin, and I am 10 years old today.

And I have been told that these are the people responsible.

Turn it off.

To celebrate this, my natal day, I have asked for the megatech radio-controlled blimp/ufo combo, a night-vision binocular, and the dvd of stephen chow's cinematic masterpiece "shaolin soccer."

I wonder if these so-called parents of mine have purchased any of these items.

Let's see what the alleged parental units have to say.

Honey, show shane your stretch marks.

Show him yours.

You know, you were not born until 4:00 in the afternoon, so you, my friend, are not officially 10 years old yet.

Will you make me pizza eggs?

Hey, do we got any leftover pizza?

Yes.

Then I will make you pizza eggs, but not because it's your birthday, but because I'm feeling a little bit peckish myself, and your mother is not a morning person.

And I love you.

And it's my birthday.

And it's your birthday.

Do you think I'm weird? Yes.

Totally weird, but you're awesome, and I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-10-year-old on earth.

What if there's life on other planets, and there's an unbelievable, amazing 10-year-old out there?

Why would I trade down, man? To me, you're the best, dude.

You are the amazing, unbelievable shane botwin.

Amazing, unbelievable shane botwin.

Amazing, unbelievable shane botwin.

It's amazing to me the guy would consider a plea of not guilty.

Amazing.

Part of me thinks he actually believes his own bullshit, which is just scary.

Hey, do you think it's safe if I take two ambien?

I really need some good sleep tonight.

I think you should take the whole bottle.

Funny.

Good night, dear.

Dean?

You awake?

Did your hair go to boarding school in mexico, too?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Where is she?

Silas, come over here and hold this sign so I can staple.

Were you so threatened by your daughter's sexuality that you had to ship her off?

Pardon me?

Who told you we had sex?

Young man, this is the first that I'm hearing that you and my daughter had sex, although now that I've been made aware, I'm tempted to bring her home just so I can ship her off again, the little slut.

How dare you!

Tell me where she is.

Why?

So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from casa reforma?

I love her.

You stuck your penis in her.

That's not love, believe me.

If you didn't know about us, then why is she in mexico?

That's a private family matter.

I am her family.

Oh, god, poor thing.

Do you really think that my daughter had deep, romantic feelings for you?

Is that what you think?

Now, I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is, quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to mexico, and she didn't call you.

She didn't write or i.m. Or e-mail you either, did she?

But I'll tell you what she did do.

She downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips, because all that quinn cares about is quinn.

She takes after her father that way.

Poor schmuck.

Aw, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong.

That's a boat.

Ow! Mark that.

So, wait, a boat is when the 4 ends add up to 20?

A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switching b*tches.

Three switching b*tches?

It's 15, and a boat is 20.

Stop f*cking with her. She's trying to learn the game.

Then log off of "hot asian chicks suck ass,"

And you teach her.

I'm bidding for rims on ebay.

Just like a n*gga to buy new rims for his bucket before it's even got a steering wheel.

You can kiss my ass.

I just put a steering wheel in two days ago.

Okay, well, then.

Mm-hmm!

Tennis-shoe pimp.

That's 200, and break out the peppermint lotion, because you're going to massage my feet.

What would you have gotten if you won?

She was going to babysit. What am I going to tell raysha?

Tell her the truth, baby...

That you're a stinky-foot-rubbing loser.

I'll watch the kids. For nothing?

It's his anniversary.

Oh, that's so sweet. How long have you been married?

Since raysha got big with shay and her daddy told keeyon he'd be all bun if he didn't do right.

All bun?

You know, um, hot dog.

Oh.

You need to pay vaneeta if she gonna babysit.

Is this your business?

Everything is my business.

Um, speaking of business...

Yes?

Uh, I was wondering what your credit policy was.

What you think?

This ain't f*cking macy's. You get what you pay for.

Because, um, I'm a little short this week, but, uh, there are people waiting.

And I promise, I'll come right back.

Uh-huh. You bet your sweet ass you come right back.

You want weed on credit, you got to leave some collateral.

You believe this girl?

Like what?

You got some nice shoes. What size you wear?

How much you need?

An ounce, maybe two.

Hell, no, shoes ain't gonna cover that sh*t.

How about I hold on to that nice rock you wearing?

All right, all right, I'm not unreasonable.

Sentimental value and all that.

Leave your car instead.

My car?

I'm leasing it.

Then your really gonna want to get it back, then, aren't you?

How am I gonna get home?

Take conrad's bucket.

Oh, white lady in the hooptie?

Oh, you got to let me get a picture.

Not my baby.

That's it. Range rover for stony clover.

I've been working on that car for a year.

And it still looks like sh*t.

So what's it gonna be?

Conrad, give her the keys to the hooptie.

It's a classic.

I promise, I'll treat her like she was my very own.

Now, it only takes super.

You got to check the water and the oil.

Don't you think you should leave those shoes, too?

Girl, you better get out of here before vaneeta strip you down.

Woman on radio: public radio international...

This is the world.

Nice doing business with you guys.

Have a good game.

Hey, does anybody have any money left to play with?

f*ck it, then.

Let's get high and make fun of dean's bald head, huh?

Celia?

Nancy.

Hello.

What are you doing out here?

Oh, I had to sign some papers in doug's office.

I followed dean here.

Did you see him?

Yes, I did. They were playing poker.

Oh, great.

Now he's going to come home broke and stinking of marijuana.

Guess that's better than oriental p*ssy.

Excuse me?

Oh, come on, nancy, I know you know.

Everybody knows.

There are no secrets in this town.

Well, maybe a few.

No, none.

You're having money problems. Our children had sex.

Judy gordon orders oxycontin over the internet and has developed quite the habit.

"Jesus loves you" judy?

"Jesus loves you" judy loves her hillbilly heroin, but you didn't hear that from me.

I don't like gossip.

Where is your car?

Uh, oh...

I don't know. I parked...

I think I parked on the other side of the building.

This place is so confusing.

Do you want a lift?

No, you know...

N-no, you know, I'd rather walk.

What about you?

You're not going to sit here all night, though, are you?

Well, I was thinking of tracking down the tennis whore and b*ating her to death with a tire iron, but I forgot to set my tivo for "the shield,"

So I think I'll go home.

I love michael chiklis.

Good night, nancy.

See you, celia.

Nancy: hello?

Hello?!

Hey, lupita. Lupita: hola.

You hungry? I can warm up some pasta.

No, thanks.

Silas, honey?

He been like that since after school, all day.

He don't eat. He don't move.

All right, isn't this cool?

This is better than old silas' valerian thing.

Dad, beryllium.

Nancy: maybe just one.

Mom!

No, no!

Shane, shane, shane, relax. We can fix it.

No!

Shane, look at me. We can fix this.

Everything's going to be okay, buddy.

You got that, mom? Yeah.

Dad made it all better.

Nancy: silas, honey, what's going on?

I don't want to talk about it.

Silas, I know things have been a little bumpy around here lately.

She didn't even give a sh*t about me.

She?

Oh, um...

Oh, honey, of course she did.

No, she just took off without even bothering to say goodbye.

My whole f*cking life, people just go away.

Shane: ow! Mom! Oh!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Jesus!

What happened? I call 911.

Oh, I think I broke my arm. Hello?

Oh, f*cking perfect... The phone's still dead.

You don't say "f*cking" to your mother.

Woman: ma'am?

Ma'am? How will you be paying?

Cash.

I know what you did.

I know you stole that goat.

Woman: mr. Norman.

Goat thief.

Mr. Norman, step back into your line.

I know, "it's the economy, stupid."

But that goat didn't belong to you.

He was a free goat.

Shane: mom, it really hurts, and it's throbbing.

It's throbbing, mom.

Back off, nutty!

Oh, a crybaby.

Take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass!

What goat?

Woman, you are light.

You are lighter than michael jackson, you so light.

Where is my money?

Shane broke his arm last night.

Oh.

Sorry to hear that.

Where is my money?

I'll get it, I swear. I need more inventory.

I'll... I'll pay everything back.

I'm sure you will, but until then, it's time to give it up...

The shiny bits.

You have my car.

I can't sell no leased car.

Now, you want more, you got to leave more.

And you got a shitty watch, and you buy knock-off handbags.

It's just business, baby.

Now, I know you got troubles, but like my mama always said, "tough sh*t."

Do you have a cover business?

Of course I do.

Got me a jew out in century city who set me up.

Now, I know he's skimming cream off the top, but he makes everything seem real nice on paper.

You looking at the president and chief executive officer of tidy up, inc.

Got me a van out back and everything.

A maid service?

House cleaner. I ain't nobody's maid.

You ain't no house cleaner neither.

You a weed dealer with a front.

And these are my employees.

What do you do if somebody calls to get his house cleaned?

Then I refer them to my cousin zondra, who cleans for real.

She don't make sh*t, but zondra found the lord, so she don't care.

One day we gonna all retire to a beach house in the caribbean.

Man: till some wrath-of-god-type sh*t happens and washes everything away in a tidal wave like those poor f*ckers in indonesia.

Unh-unh, not me.

Woman: tsunami... It's called a tsunami.

I love the sound of that word.

Man: knowing you, you'd probably name the baby tsunami.

I don't care what you say, that's a pretty name.

Unh-unh, you are not naming my grandbaby after some k*ller wave.

And we ain't getting no beach house neither.

I can't stand the sand.

Sand, blood, and relatives... Can't never get rid of them.

See y'all later.

Bye.

How much you think we get for that?

Nothing.

She'll be back.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, you have no idea.

Wait, let's not do this here.

No? Where should we go?

A motel, my pool house maybe?

How about up my husband's ass?

We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.

I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.

He's cute, funny, clean.

Married... To me.

It's not like we're running off together.

It was sex... Very hot sex.

He went down on me for days.

Always did excellent work down there.

The piece of sh*t.

Is that what you think? He's sh*t?

You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of sh*t.

Are you going to divorce him?

Divorce?

He can't support two households, and I am not living in a townhouse again.

So what did you do that was so special?

I did everything he ever wanted...

Costumes, role playing.

I bought a f*cking swing.

Listen, most guys cheat...

And it's not because the wife is some horrible, frigid bitch, but it's because they all have this primal urge to seek variety.

Pieces of sh*t.

Dean's a good guy.

You know, shut up.

I'm very mad at him.

He's just not what I thought he'd be, you know.

Which was?

Rich...

Powerful...

Faithful.

He just turned out to be another mid-level assh*le.

And that makes me mrs. Mid-level assh*le.

That's why I'll never marry.

No, you just f*ck the married, and I have to watch it on video.

Now I have to f*cking deal with it, and I don't like dealing with things.

I'd much prefer to pretend they don't exist.

I'm sorry.

You're a big whore.

I think I should go now.

Oh, sit your flat ass back down.

You know, you're a good listener.

Thanks.

f*ck you.

Let's get another round.

Hey, nancy!

Where's your... Where's your ring?

My ring?

Yeah, your pretty little diamond ring.

It's in the shop.

Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.

Yes, me too, celia.

Thanks.

Yeah.

We can fix this.

Everything's going to be okay, buddy.

You got that, mom? Yeah.

Dad made it all...

Mom?

Yeah, honey, what is it?

What happened?

I guess when you fell, the camera got smashed.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess that's what happened.

Yeah.

Don't worry, we'll get another one.

Okay.

Ambien?

Take them. You need rest.

What are you going to do?

Nothing.

Really, I'm not going to do a thing.

Unh-unh.

Look, I'm gonna take one myself.

See?

Good night.

I am your father, shane.

Join me on the dark side, and together we can rule the universe.

Never!

Then prepare to die!

No!

Nancy: get back in here right now.

We are not done talking.

Just say good night, dad, and shut off the camera.

Good night, dad.