01x04 - Fashion of the Christ

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

My cover business... What about a bakery?

These will satisfy your munchies and give you a long-lasting, all-body high.

I'm ready to take orders. f*ck it. I'll take it all.

Last week's buy, this week's buy.

My ring, my rover.

You're still short for all you're gonna want this week.

I'll be back.

I don't like dealing with things.

I prefer to pretend they don't exist.

Silas: megan. Hey, megan.

Megan, can you hear me?

Celia: that deaf girl down on dewey street.

Fire! Mom, what are you doing? There's a fire!

If there's a fire, I'll run, okay?

Otherwise, I'm gonna bash in the smoke alarm with a broom handle.

Andy?

Sorry, pants.

I was trying to surprise you guys.

Uncle andy!

Hey, guys. Ohhhh!

Yes, I'm diggin' the love.

Oh, I missed you.

How was alaska?

Alaska was so beautiful.

In the summer, you could party all night.

Then it got dark, and I met this psycho girl who tried to bring me up on charges...

How did you get in here?

I'll pay for the window. I didn't want to wake you.

I... Uh, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking!

Oh, hey, you guys want to help me make breakfast?

Silas, I need you squeezing the oranges.

Shane, I need you making the coffee.

Sorry about the grease fire. That bacon really spits up.

Shane, go get a broom so I can bash your uncle andy with it.

Come on, nancy pantsy. I'm making eggs florentine.

Don't call me "pants." Pantalones?

Oh, sh*t. You?

Hey, lupita.

I know you missed me. How about a hug?

I'm no cleaning up this mess.

Uncle andy, did you bring us anything?

Of course! Look who you're talking to.

Get my duffel in the guest room. The black one, not the green.

Stay out of the green. Guest room? Guest room.

Uh, I guess I could sleep with lupita.

I do love the fiery latinas.

Ugh.

Know this, lupita.

Until you learn to love me, I got enough love for both of us.

How did you and judah emerge from the same woman?

I know! What family gets blessed with not one, but two studs?

Everybody gather.

First, young silas, that's for you.

Oh! Awesome.

So, does it work?

Yeah. For three weeks.

Then scratch off the serial number and get a new service plan.

Okay. For mama...

Shane: what's that?

For your neck, right?

You're always talking about how your neck hurts.

Take it.

For my neck. Of course. Thank you.

Lupita.

I'll put it in your bedroom next to the little one.

What about me?!

Oh, I don't, uh...

Oh!

The best for last.

No! No way!

I'll teach him how to use them.

Shane li, hand them over.

Andy!

I'll hold on to those till we're in a better space.

Who's hungry? Everybody go sit down.

Andy...

How long you planning on staying?

Don't worry. I'll help out.

How long?

Just till I figure some things out.

Like? I don't know. My life.

Sure. That.

Good to see you, pants.

It's good to be with family.

Come on, let's eat.

Hey, buddy. Whatcha doing?

Just iming my girlfriend.

You don't need a credit card for that, do you?

No. Real girlfriend.

Megan. She's deaf.

Deaf megan. Is she cute?

Yeah. She's totally cute.

Oh, yeah.

She doesn't look deaf. She can't hear anything?

That's what deaf means.

Man, how did you get so smart at, what, 16?

Took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go.

I once went out with this girl with a baby arm...

Insane in the sack.

Plus, when she grabbed my d*ck with her little hand, it looked gigantic.

So how do you talk to her?

Uh, we just mostly hang out and stuff.

You should learn braille.

You mean sign language? Whatever.

What's this?

Ugh. That's mine.

"Chris d*ed for your sins."

Is that a joke? Yeah, on me.

That's what happens when you outsource to f*cking malaysia.

8-Year-olds in a sweatshop can't spell for sh*t.

I was trying to jump on board the red-state-jesus thing...

The fashion of the christ.

I end up with 3,000 of these.

Totally useless!

If there's one thing about the christ crowd...

Absolutely no sense of humor.

I should have gone after the jew market.

At least we can take a joke.

Come on, shane.

Look who's here.

Baby, it's "the early bird gets the worm," not the weed.

You need to read up on your bartlett's.

My brother-in-law took the kids to school, I thought I'd get a jump on the day.

You want some oatmeal?

No. Andy made eggs florentine.

Andy?

When did that fancy-cooking trouble get back in town?

This morning I woke up, and there he was.

Mm. Sort of like crotch crabs only not as treatable, huh?

I forgot you know him.

Been hoping to forget him.

How did andy and conrad meet?

I never got a straight answer out of either of them.

They worked at circuit city together, got caught stealing together, got fired together.

They go way back.

I never should have let that boy work retail.

You gonna need to come back later

'Cause we ain't got in everything yet.

I got 17 food orders to fill.

Ooh! Listen to betty cr*cker.

You got bunches of that crap last time.

You out already?

I've got some, but not enough for what I need.

My crowd loves to eat their smoke.

I could hook you up with a little schwag if you're really crazy.

Oh, sh*t.

I've still got the gourmet fuckup in my kitchen.

I'm never gonna get anything done.

Oh, f*ck. I'm f*cked.

Ooh! You got a nasty mouth when you're stressed.

You got a pen? Yeah.

I'm gonna give you a number, and you say I said it was okay for you to call.

Who am I calling?

The candyman.

Wear sporty shoes.

"Megan89"

Yeah.

"Me too. Sore throat."

Bummer.

What are you wearing?

Take it off.

I tried to spread the word.

I eat here every day, invited people...

"Oh, it's too ethnic."

"Oh, it's too spicy."

"Oh, those people don't wash their hands."

What the f*ck is wrong with these morons who wait an hour in line at some f*cking crappy olive garden and let a treasure like this go out of business?

I can't take it.

Doug, why are we here?

Did you taste the saag aloo?

It's to die for and then be reincarnated and to die for again.

Why aren't you eating?

I told you I ate already.

Where? The olive garden.

I wouldn't take a dump in the olive garden.

I like the hot artichoke-spinach dip.

I can't even look at you.

Okay. Enough.

I'm sure the saag aloo is delicious.

Wow, that's incredible.

Tell me this doesn't kick your artichoke dip's ass.

Tell me more.

Are your nipples hard?

Come on.

"Like sh**ting stars."

Whew. "Now you."

No, more you.

Are you touching yourself?

"I'm parting the lips of my blushing vag*na."

Yes. Good.

Ah. Oh.

Keep... Typing.

What do you think about this place as the bakery?

I mean, location's pretty good, kitchen's already set up, and if you make something mediocre enough, you may even make a go at it legitimately.

Let me think about it.

Here you go, mr. Wilson.

20 Orders for you.

Let them cool before you put them in the freezer.

Uh, mr. Advani, where will you go?

Oh, we just bought an olive garden franchise close by.

You must come visit.

f*ck agrestic.

Yes, sir. Okay.

Pay when you're ready.

When are my treats coming in?

I'm having a little trouble getting my kitchen to myself lately.

But I'll let you know.

Hey, lupita. I was just thinking about you.

It for you.

Wipe your hands.

Aah!

Podrido, asqueroso, virgen perro.

Yeah, this is andy.

Hey, shane!

Really?

Awesome.

Yeah. I'll bring the shirts.

Uh, let's say 15 minutes.

Okay.

B-oh, uh, make it 20. Okay.

Hey! Get your original

"Chris d*ed" t-shirts right here. Yeah!

Only $10. Have your money ready.

That's one-size-fits-all.

It's gonna shrink a bit.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Okay. That's you.

Uncle andy.

What? What? What? Hang on.

Uncle andy.

Now, remember kids... Chris loves you, so...

What?! What?! It's the principal.

sh*t. We were just heating up.

Excuse me.

Um, look, kids. Chris has risen.

Wha... Wai...

Have you all seen these?

They are all over the school.

And as a christian, I must say I am deeply, deeply offended.

It's profane.

Has anyone talked to the principal about this?

Who's chris? Where's celia? I bet she'd have something to say.

It's 10 minutes after. Maybe we should start.

Does anyone know how?

I think the first order of business should be these shirts.

They're funny.

Excuse me?

I think you're making way too big a deal about it.

It's a joke.

Oh, we do not joke about our lord, jesus christ.

It's a stupid t-shirt.

We should ignore it.

Only one man d*ed for my sins, nancy, and his name wasn't chris.

Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname?

If we make a big deal, it will become a full-blown trend.

They're kids. It'll become cool.

Ah, principal dodge, have you seen these blasphemes? Yes.

Are you gonna do something about them? I'm about to.

Mrs. Botwin, would you mind coming into my office to discuss your son's t-shirt business?

Shane was selling them?

Yes. With some guy in a van who sped off.

I'll never talk.

Hey.

Hey, what do you like better...

"Jesus say relax," or "I'm too sexy for my lord"?

How about "assh*le ditched my 10-year-old"?

I admit it. I panicked. That guy had a whistle.

They wanted to suspend him.

For what?

If shane wants to believe in chris and they try to suspend him for it...

Whoa, that's freedom of religion.

That's, like, the first commandment.

We could nail them on that.

I don't think "chris" is protected under freedom of religion, andy.

In fact, the angry christian moms I heard from in the pta were pretty offended by it.

Well, that's so intolerant.

I mean, what would jesus do?

Religious bullshit aside, you don't want to know how far I had to crawl up the principal's ass just to keep you two out of trouble.

Not to mention the unbelievable amount of sh*t I'm gonna get from those hypo-christian bitch moms tomorrow.

Hey, I was just trying to pitch in, earn a little money.

I saw an opportunity to help the family, and I took it.

Really? It was for the family, huh?

Where's the money?

Don't worry. I'll use it towards family expenses.

Hello.

I got to cover my overhead.

I did call. Thanks for getting back to me.

Can you hold on a second, please?

Go away. I have to take this call.

Who is it?

None of your business. Get out of here.

Why? You got a boyfriend? Isn't it a little soon?

Maybe I should take my vibrator back.

Fine, angry! God, keep the vibrator.

Thanks for getting back to me, um, candyman.

You're the candyman?

Yes. Are you getting any exercise?

Excuse me?

If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you.

I wouldn't say heylia's in the best shape.

Heylia's a lazy fat-fat, and I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her.

Why? Scare her.

Some people never learn until their life is on the line.

You know what you are? What am i?

Skinny-fat.

And what are we gonna do about that?

We're gonna start exercising right away.

Don't humor me. I'm very serious.

I used to weigh 314 pounds.

Wow! Congratulations.

The key... Exercise.

You know, I'm not buying for personal use.

Are your customers just a bunch of fatty mcfat-fats?

Well, they're smokers.

But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke, they should be able to breath easier should they decide to exercise.

That's a reasonable assumption.

And I hope you'll take it upon yourself to encourage them.

Of course. And I'll take everything you've got.

Really?

And?

And I will make a greater effort to exercise.

No, no, no, no, no.

And I will exercise.

Yes, you will!

You dog.

Great. Dumb and dumber reunited.

Oh, my man.

It's good to see you. You smell really good.

Get the f*ck off me. What's wrong with you?

Can't a straight man admire the stink of another handsome, straight man?

Not unless you're in prison. Is that where you been?

Close... Alaska.

What about you? What you been up to?

Same old, same old.

Dealing, growing, doing a little pilates.

No! I love that sh*t, man.

It stretch you out.

It give you power, make you feel good as hell.

Hot instructor. Ass like a peach. You just want to bite that sh*t.

Nice. Nice.

So, uh, conrad, man, can you hook me up with a little?

That's a lot of weed.

You got the money?

For that much? I don't, uh... Great.

Lady saltine sends her little errand boy but no scratch.

Nancy?

Yeah, she only paid for the half order she picked up this morning.

And that's the other half?

You got my money, boy genius?

So, uh, nancy's getting pretty big, huh?

f*cking kingpin.

What's so funny?

What? Oh, uh, conrad does pilates.

Okay, where was i?

I'm surrounded.

You're surrounded by the enemy.

The enemy edges in closer, closer.

Then when they're just inches away, you invoke the dong-hi defense.

What's that?

You protect your dong and you swing like your life depended on it.

Cool!

I need to talk to you, you f*cking perv.

All right. Go practice that.

What are you talking about? Did that loony from alaska call?

I'm talking about what you did to megan today.

Who's megan? Megan! My girlfriend.

You told her to take her clothes off when she imed.

Oh! That megan. Yeah, I did that for you, bro.

You should be thanking me.

What?! That girl really digs you.

No sh*t! She's my f*cking girlfriend!

But you haven't gotten into her panties yet, have you?

It's none of your business.

You know why?

You're afraid to make moves

'Cause she's all handicapped and sh*t.

That's what you need to learn.

You got to treat them like everybody else, and then they pop right open like a can of pringles.

So...

So... She's ready, man. You got to go for it.

You gonna see her tonight?

Yeah. Well?

Silas, check me out!

You better be right.

Trust me, man.

She's good to go.

Hey, pants.

Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cybersex with a 15-year-old deaf girl.

Absolutely not. I want you out tonight.

Really? 'Cause, you know, I was just cooking dinner.

I want you out now.

I got some really great recipes over at my friend conrad's joint earlier today...

Uh, pot roast, corned-beef hash.

Tonight, I'm gonna go italian with a little baked ziti, and a big plate of spaghetti marijuana... Uh, I mean...

You sneaky piece of sh*t.

Oh! Come now, nancy pants.

Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?

What did you do?

Well, I I went to my friend conrad's to catch up on old times.

You remember conrad? He's a pot dealer.

He's the one you're supposed to call if you ever need a little puff.

And much to my surprise, I was handed a giant bag of weed and told it was for you.

Where's my stuff?

So I thought, "wow, either nancy's got a big problem, or nancy's got a lot of friends."

You've been you've been making friends?

Where's my stuff?!

Don't worry. It's safe.

"Don't worry."

Everything you touch turns to sh*t.

I'm family.

We'll work it out.

I really want you to leave.

Look. The way I see it is you're in way over your head here, you know?

You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy.

Dealing is a full-time job.

You need some help, nancy pants.

Don't call me pants.

Judah called me pants, not you.

Hey, I miss him, too, nancy.

Whatever you think about me, judah was my brother, and I loved him.

And I have your back.

Now, I'm gonna go inside, and I'm gonna finish cooking dinner for the family.

I'm making stoned crab. Sorry, I had to get that out.

I was working on them all the way home.

Hey.

You look hot in that leotard.

I have cancer.