01x05 - Lude Awakening

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Uncle andy! Hey!

How long are you planning on staying?

Just till I figure some things out.

Like? My life.

My girlfriend. She's deaf.

This girl sounds like a keeper, silas.

Don't mess it up.

You know, I read somewhere that k*lling small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior.

Leave your car. How am I gonna get home?

Take conrad's bucket.

White lady in the hoopty, oh, you got to let me get a picture.

It's a classic car.

I went to my old friend conrad's, and imagine my surprise when I was handed a giant bag of weed for you.

I have cancer.

Shhhhhh-it!

"My name is shane.

"I bring the pain up from the streets of agrestic.

"Bitch, you don't want to sweat this.

"I cap any m*therf*cker.

You don't want to test this, b..."

"Biatch."

I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.

Well, you made a lot of people around the school very nervous.

Yeah, that's because they're a bunch of bitch-ass white boys.

I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch-ass white boy.

Whatever.

I don't care.

I think you do care a great deal.

Yeah, about what?

You want approval from your peer group.

And when you don't get it, when they call you "weirdo"

Or "strange botwin," then you want to lash out.

In this case, through your rap.

Yeah.

That's it.

I just want to fit in.

Can I go now?

Shane, you're here because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.

I'm not gonna cap any m*therf*ckers.

How do I know that?

'Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out 'cause my dad's dead.

You may go.

These walls were just wallpapered.

The paper looks old.

Yeah, well, that was the look we were going for.

With all due respect, sir, this is the not the first time that a crate of carbonated beverages fell from a low-flying cessna and devastated a house.

You're kidding.

Uh, is this a bad time?

No, it's just her faith healer.

Well, okay, look at this bed.

I mean, it's an antique, a family heirloom.

My children were conceived on this bed.

It's got a lot of history.

Could I trouble you for a drink?

Yeah.

Stand up.

Whoa!

Hey, nance.

This is erma, the faith healer.

She's sniffing me to see if my cancer has spread.

Hi.

Would you like me to smell you next?

No, thank you. I was smelled yesterday.

This was not my idea. The pta ladies sent her over.

Personally, I would have preferred one of those cookies on a stick.

Perhaps you are not ready.

I should leave.

Well, namaste.

This place is a wreck.

Yeah.

See what consumer culture has done to me.

How are you holding up?

Better than my ceiling.

I was toying with a snapple motif, but god said "coke"!

Miss celia, I come for dry-clean.

Oh, I really don't feel like sorting through those clothes.

You know what, blanca, you take it.

Okay, I go to dry-clean.

No, no, I want you to take all the clothes.

Go ahead, take them.

Rápido.

I cannot take.

Well, you must know somebody in my size.

Aren't there like 18 people living in your house?

Coming up next on the raw skin channel, "the incredahoes."

"Incredahoes."

f*ck!

Hey, doug. Hi, randy.

Andy, it's andy.

Oh, really, I thought... It's not randy?

Oh.

I've always thought of you as a "randy."

Pretty sure.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Looking for nancy?

Yeah, I am. Is she around?

Nope.

You could try her cellphone.

Oh, no, no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things.

Do you...

Are you watching "incredahoes"?

Yeah.

Oh, that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times.

I've never seen the whole thing.

That's a strong endorsement.

Yeah. Oh.

I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would you?

It would be kind of weird.

Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, enjoy.

Orgasmagirl's a squirter.

Hey, hey, hey, spoiler!

Oh, right, right, sorry.

You know, I got about an eighth of romulan on me.

Come on in. All right.

What happened to you last night?

What do you mean?

I was with megan.

When are you gonna get over that?

Excuse me?

Come on, man, you're in your prime.

You really want to tie yourself down to the deaf girl?

She's actually pretty cool.

You f*ck her yet?

Come on, man.

Think about it.

You're always gonna have to read television.

If you've passed out drunk and your house catches on fire, she's not gonna hear the smoke alarm, and you're both gonna die.

Last night, while you weren't f*cking deaf girl, you missed tiffany's party.

Jessica, lauren, chelsea... They were all there.

Hot, ready, they can hear, and one of them's into you.

Really? Which one?

Chelsea.

You're such a liar.

No, man, I'm serious.

You need to dump the damaged goods and see what's up with chelsea.

Oh, my god, I forgot about these.

These baby clothes are new. Were you...

I had a miscarriage last year. Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be.

With my track record, it was a blessing, trust me.

Blanca, do you need baby clothes?

I know someone who could use them.

Miss celia, give clothes to me. You don't need.

No, know someone who needs them.

Please let go!

Blanca, let her have them.

Don't worry, I have something better for you.

This?

Oh, my god!

I haven't seen these since high school.

Oh, god, I used to be so hot.

My feathered hair, satin hot pants on.

I was high on ludes, queen of the roller disco.

I could f*ck against a wall with my skates on.

No easy feat.

I could come in a heartbeat.

Then you keep?

Oh, yeah, I keep.

So, blanca, how are you set for furniture?

Runway?

You know, that little piece of skin that runs between your assh*le and your balls or assh*le and vag*na.

That's called the runway.

That's called a taint.

'T ain't ass, 't ain't equipment.

What the hell does that mean?

No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.

It's a taint.

Runway.

It's a taint.

Runway.

Hey, lupita, settle an argument for us.

What do you call the thing between the d*ck and the assh*le?

The coffee table.

I'm telling you, they could have been k*lled.

When bottles fall from the sky like that, it's like little torpedoes.

And they were everywhere.

Coke in the carpet, they were stuck in the walls.

Furniture was destroyed.

It was a mess!

Child, please, that white girl gonna make out like halliburton.

How much you want for this stuff?

Oh, no, nothing. She was giving it away anyway.

What, like I'm some charity case that needs your free white-lady hand-me-downs?

No. I thought...

You ain't got no problem going down to church and getting free cheese and sh*t.

Heylia makes me go down there.

First of all, I don't make you do sh*t, little girl.

And second of all, I ain't ashamed.

If it's free, it's me.

And I don't turn down nothing but my collar.

And third, don't act like you don't like free cheese just 'cause this white child's standing here.

f*ck her!

Yeah, f*ck me.

No, I mean, I'll take them since you brought them.

This for you, snowflake. This is my special blend.

I call this here "clark kent."

Just sniff this right here, sniff that.

Stink good, huh?

Yo, you smoke this sh*t, and you want to just rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime.

I'm serious. Take that.

Yo, give brother his keys, you can roll.

Whoo, it's a big day.

Barbie getting her dream car back.

Oh, I added a little twist to it for you.

I think you're gonna like it, too, all right?

Okay.

Um, conrad, I just wanted to talk to you about one thing.

This morning, I was in the garage...

Okay, just what the f*ck happened to my car?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A trunk fell on the hood.

A trunk fell on my baby?

On the hood of the car.

But just the hood. If you pound it out...

It would be fine. Oh, really. So you're gonna do it?

No. No, but you're gonna pay for it.

Of course, I'm gonna pay for it.

I just said I was gonna pay for it. Baby, I know what you said.

Hey, hey! Stop all that damn arguing.

This is a house of peace.

Everybody all right?

Yeah.

I'm cool.

Snowflake.

Snowflake?

She's in shock. Slap her.

I ain't slapping no white woman.

Move, I'll do it.

No, I'm okay.

You sure? Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, let's clean this sh*t up.

Is somebody gonna call the police?

Baby, that probably was the police.

I'm gonna go.

Wait, I need my keys.

I need my keys.

We got unsettled business.

You ain't even talked to me about my car yet.

How are you gonna get your keys back?

Boy, the girl just had her sh**ting cherry broke.

Give her the keys.

We still got to talk, though.

Yeah, okay.

sh*t, white folks get soda pop.

n*gg*r*s get b*ll*ts.

Hey. Doug left these papers for the bakery.

He says when you sign on the line, it is all ours.

"Ours"?

Yeah, I cook. You sell. Come on, nance.

I don't mind you being out there in front.

I'm totally liberated.

It's me and you, babe, team botwin.

Please leave.

Just as soon as you sign these papers.

There's no water in this tub!

I can't do this right now.

You have to.

Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there, and this town does not need more ginkgo biloba.

It needs pot brownies. Come on, come on, sign.

Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside of this business is death.

So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery.

I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.

If anything happens to you, I will raise silas and shane as my own.

Now I pledge never to die.

Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.

Andy, this is my business.

It has nothing to do with you.

Go downstairs.

Do what you do best.

Patrol the couch in your underwear.

Look, this is different. This is my moment.

I was born to cook dr*gs.

Since you started the business, I will settle for only 40%.

That is so fair.

Oh, god, I can feel it in my body.

I can feel it in my bones!

Feel my hands! They're vibrating!

Go out in the living room. I said "no"!

Why?

Andy, if you want to sell dr*gs, do it on your own.

Get your own bakery. Find your own customers.

Get the f*ck out of my bathroom.

Yeah, fine.

Fine.

I love the fact that everyone put her best foot, or food, forward in making our bake sale the greatest ever.

Oh, my god, look at celia.

What's she wearing?

Look who's here, everyone. It's celia.

Down, maggie. I have cancer. I'm not Ret*rded.

Of course.

Uh, would you like to take your place at the podium?

No, please, keep going. Pta needs your enthusiasm.

"Foxy lady."

I was.

I was "hot stuff," red satin.

I-i was "big fun," green polyester.

Celia, you can't smoke in here.

Because?

Secondhand smoke kills.

Celia, did you bring your muffins?

I didn't feel like baking.

None of us ever feels like baking.

I love baking.

Except pam.

But we do it anyway for the sake of our children.

Oh, give me a break.

You're raising money for a swim team.

How much do swimming trunks cost, anyway?

$18.95.

I'll tell you what.

Keep the change.

So we're really not getting the muffins, are we?

I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical quaalude on earth.

See you, ladies.

Down, pammy, down.

Hi, silas.

Hey, chelsea.

Hey.

So, I heard you were asking for me at tiffany's last night.

Really? I don't remember that.

Oh, someone said you were bringing more beer, so I was all, "where's silas?

Where's silas? Where's the beer?"

What happened? Did you get carded or something?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right, I got carded.

Bummer.

Here comes trouble.

Hey, family.

You ain't no family of mine. State your business.

What, does a guy need a reason to visit his friends?

Man, you really got to cut that sh*t out

'Cause you're making me sick now.

What's up?

Well, I decided to go into business for myself.

Have you now?

Is there a big market for horse sh*t these days?

No, I'm gonna sell marijuana.

I was wondering if you might know where I could procure some, would you?

Well, where are you planning to unload this "marijuana" that you speak of?

Why, in the wide-open community of agrestic, california.

There's not enough pot in the world to get those people stoned enough to forget where they live, so...

I figure I got a pretty good sh*t.

Okay, so you're gonna mess with your sister-in-law's sh*t.

Damn, that's cold.

I feel there is enough room for both of us.

Yeah, but see, nancy been working really hard to lock that area down...

And that's her problem, not yours.

You got cash?

Get the boy an ounce.

I love you, mommy.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign, right?

Nice bike. Did your horse die?

Sir...

You must be in k*ller shape.

Let me see your quads, man.

Can I see your driver's license and registration, please?

When you arrest people, do you ride them in on your handlebars, or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?

Step out of the car.

Oh, come on, seriously?

I'm just having fun.

I mean, you're a cop in bike shorts.

It's adorable.

I have a g*n.

Cool, I'm cool.

What's that smell?

Come on, man, just give me my ticket so I can go, okay, please?

All right, turn around, and put your hands behind your head.

All right, come on.

You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.

Can I be homeschooled?

Honey, if I had my way, none of us would ever leave the house, but that's not healthy, so, no.

Why?

I got sent to the school shrink.

They'll probably be calling you.

Oh, not again. Why this time?

I wrote a gangsta rap about k*lling devin rinzler with my gat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... You did what?

He's got the whole school calling me "strange botwin."

It was just a joke.

You think that's a joke?!

This isn't a joke!

b*ll*ts whizzing by his head, scared shitless, death is not a joke!

I just wrote it! I didn't do it!

Is andy for you.

I can't talk to him right now.

She no here.

Tell me what else it said!

Okay, I give her message.

What?

He say he in jail.

Shane!

Why didn't I just take off?

The guy was on a bike, for god's sake.

'Cause you're stupid.

So, miss krienstein, what happens now?

Incarceration in a medium-security prison for a period no longer than 10 years.

10 Years?

Joke!

Loosen up, everybody. There's nothing to worry about.

You're looking at a fine and probably an antidrug class.

So no jail time?

You've obviously never sat through an antidrug class.

You had less than an ounce on you.

There's no jail for that.

Oh, that's bullshit.

I don't understand. That's good news.

I paid for a full ounce. They f*cking cheated me!

They f*cking saved your ass from going to jail.

Still, that's very uncool.

There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer.

I feel your pain, andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

So, less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?

And that's only if the cop's an assh*le.

Most cops just let you go.

What if the marijuana is in baked goods, say candy or chocolate?

What would get their attention?

If I sued them. Can I sue them?

You were saying?

All right, you asked for it. You get it.

The lay of the land.

Marijuana currently exists in a legal gray area.

It's not illegal to have weed...

Less than an ounce, that is, andrew...

But it's illegal to buy it.

What about growing?

Ah, botany.

As long as it's not broken down non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, three to five.

Years. Probation.

I'm hungry.

Ow.

So you can grow it, but you can't break it down.

Not unless you want to go to jail or flee to mexico...

Or canada.

Canada rocks.

Primo weed, really good chinese food.

Do you have a card?

'Cause you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.

What's your business?

I own a bakery.

Smart cover.

Call anytime.

Hey, I was f*cking around today, all right?

I didn't mean it.

Look, I made a mistake, okay? I don't want chelsea.

I don't want any other girl, all right?

I want you.

Is your mom home?

Not yet.

She went to bail uncle andy out of jail.

Well, tell her I stopped by.

Okay. I like your jacket.

Well, thank you, shane.

Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.

Everyone thinks I'm weird.

Well, I can see how you might give that impression.

I really don't care what they think.

Good for you.

Let your freak flag fly.

Really?

Really.

I've recently stopped giving a sh*t what anyone thinks.

And I got to tell you, I feel great.

But you have cancer.

And you have a dead father.

Both of us make people really uncomfortable.

There's no way around it.

So either we can feel all self-conscious and pretend that everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.

Thanks, mrs. Hodes.

For what?

For telling me the truth.

You're welcome.

It's a bitch, though, ain't it?

I'm really gonna miss my babies.

We've had some good times together.

After reconstructive surgery, you're gonna feel good as new, better.

You're gonna have the tits of a 19-year-old girl.

I was thinking of going bigger.

Bigger?

Really big, like freak-show big.

47 Triple fs, so large that other, smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

I think you've had one too many.

Do you like me?

Really?

Yeah.

Mostly.

Thank you.

I have to go pee.

Oh, sorry, mrs. Hodes, I didn't realize anyone was in here.

Can I ask your opinion about something?

Sure.

What do you think about these?

Celia, what...

Celia, what are you doing?

I just wanted to show my breasts to someone who would appreciate them.

I don't give a flying f*ck if you do have cancer, put your tits away in front of my kid.

Sorry.

I took a lude.