01x08 - The Punishment Light

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

I want a raise.

Shane sh*t a mountain lion. He wrote a gangsta rap.

Now he's making t*rror1st videos.

Celia: I have cancer and jungle fever, and tonight one of them is going to get cured.

Nancy: you have a husband.

You got a man?

He d*ed of a heart att*ck.

Crap!

Who would do this?

Pennies?!

Somebody mad at you, girl.

Amen.

He's got a karate tournament.

Good morning. I'm andrew botwin.

On behalf of myself and my absent father, who's at the final table of the foxwoods 2005 pot-limit hold'em classic...

Good luck, dad...

Judah was what the world would call a man...

Jesus.

A man who... Did things.

He was an engineer, a husband, a father.

I'm not any of those things.

He was my brother, and he's buried next to my mom and uncle sauly...

Two away from walter matthau, and, well...

One day, I'll be buried here, too.

And some time after that, not very long at all, actually, I'll be completely forgotten.

I'm next.

Fabulous.

So, what are you doing today?

Straightening up around the house.

Where's blanca? It's saturday, dean.

Oh.

What about you?

Golf. Oh.

Where's isabel? Camping with her friend peggy.

Is that right? Mm-hmm.

I f*cked a black man.

Oh, this house still reeks of judah.

All you got to do is touch a wall, and you can feel it.

It's bringing me down, doug.

Well, if it means anything, you really got me with your speech, yeah.

Sometimes god's words are inside me.

You want to smoke up?

Is the pope polish?

German.

Right.

Make yourself at home.

Hey, lupita, order some pizzas from amichi's.

Do I look like his f*cking maid?

Pepperoni.

The stress queen's secret stash.

She keeps her pot with her tampons?

The box where men fear to tread.

You got that right.

What the...

What's the matter?

What the f*ck?

Rodents.

I just don't understand why I can't stay at home.

I don't want you home alone.

I wouldn't be home alone. Lupita's there.

Uncle andy's there.

Megan's there. Ha ha!

Quit it.

You're up, shane.

Is... Is that who shane's fighting?

Yes.

He's a lot bigger than me.

That means you'll be quicker.

I'm not so sure about that.

He's a yellow belt, just like you.

Now get out there and be agrestic.

Yes, go.

k*ll.

Shimai israel!

Hoi! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

I am so unbelievably sorry.

Shane has never done anything like this in his life.

We had a 3-hour drive here.

I forgot to pack crackers. He has low blood sugar.

Just came from his father's unveiling.

Do you know what that is... An unveiling?

It's, um, it's where they unveil the gravestone.

It's a jewish thing.

I know, you're thinking, "she doesn't look jewish."

I come from welsh stock, actually.

A lot of coal miners in wales, not a lot of jews.

I'm not jewish.

My husband is, uh, dead now.

He was... He was jewish.

Um, here's my number, and if I have to pay for tetanus, I would be thrilled to pay for it, okay?

'Cause I feel just awful about this.

Will you please say something?

It's not my kid.

I'm just kidding. I'm peter.

Isn't that the way it works around here...

f*ck somebody else, get a haircut?

Oh, don't worry.

The chemo will do the job soon enough, darling.

No, no. I am sorry, but, no.

Chemo is not gonna be another excuse for you to act like a selfish f*cking bitch.

Selfish?

This from helen chin's personal racket swallower.

And I am sorry, but, no, no, you may not use helen chin, either.

I have paid for helen chin.

Well, look who's finally grown a sack.

Did you hear that? No.

Lupita? No.

Must be lonely inside here.

In the wall.

It's got to be dark in there... Deep space.

Friendless, like an empty train tunnel.

Rats don't need light, man. They got radar.

Man, I used to love trains.

I always wanted to be the train conductor with the little hat and all.

But somewhere... I don't know where...

I got derailed, ended up a bean counter with no hat.

No hat.

No hat. Ohh.

Do you think there's rat spit in here, like plague rat spit?

Are we smoking plague?

No, no. Fire beats plague.

As soon as we lit it up, it was safe.

It's sterilized.

His name was conrad.

I am not interested in names!

What I am interested in, wife of mine, is why you gave away all your clothes and half of our furniture!

But I could give a swollen rat's ass what that guy's f*cking name is.

Good, get it all out.

We should have had this conversation months ago.

Years ago. 14 Years.

We've been married for 16.

Yes, but I liked the first two.

That's before you grew a gut, turned into a robot, and bought this ridiculous house.

We got a super deal on this house!

You have got to be kidding me. What?

Look around! What?!

Lupita, get back at the wall.

No.

Why not?

Because you say mr. Judah stay in the wall.

No, I did not. Yes, you did.

That's a metaphor.

Hey, I wonder if rats like peanut butter.

In zacatecoluca, we had a ghost, señor flores, and he stay in the telephone lines.

Those are crossed lines.

You're listening to other people talking.

No, we could hear him whisper, and all the time, he say, "¿dónde están mis pantalones?"

¿Dónde está?

Where are my pants?

Why'd he say that?

Because he d*ed without his pants.

I'm gonna die without my hat.

Andy? Andy?

He's coming toward you.

Ah!

Ow! Mother... God damn it!

Look up.

What?

Look up.

Fine, so what?

There's no roof.

It's an atrium.

It's supposed to bring in light.

When it's raining, dean, and I'm in the bedroom and I want a cup of tea, I have to put on rubber boots so my slippers don't get wet on the way to the kitchen.

When the santa anas come over the hill in the afternoon and our neighbors are all outside feeling the wind in their hair, do you know what I do?

I open the dining-room door.

I open the living-room door.

I then open the bathroom, praying that my husband isn't sitting there taking one of his monster shits.

I do this so that the air-conditioning can fake the sensation of flowing oxygen into our stuffy, claustrophobic, open-air atrium, a room where plants come to die.

This is the dumbest f*cking room ever built.

Isn't it nice of tim and peter to invite us out, considering everything?

Shane?

Silas?

Great.

Sure.

Peter: so, silas, is that one of those sidekick pagers?

Uh-huh.

Silas has a hottie back home.

Remarkable machines...

Little zeroes and ones vibrating through the air, beamed back and forth by satellite.

An age of wonder.

Done so much for the lost art of dinner conversation, hasn't it, silas? Yeah.

Okay, tim, what grade are you in?

I'm in fourth grade. The same as shane.

You look a little big for fourth grade. Were you held back?

Ow!

Is the white lady home?

Did you see a big car in the driveway?

No. Well, then, no.

I love a woman with a mouth.

I want you to use it to give your lady friend a message.

You tell her the business that she's in is the business that she needs to get out of.

You tell her agrestic's a one-motero town.

You tell her that all real nice, and you give her this.

Pennies?

Oh, my god, finally.

You the pizza guy?

Do I look like a f*cking pizza guy?

Is he getting the pizza?

Nancy, what do you do for a living?

Peter, what do you say, in keeping with the strange spirit of this day, that we don't ask each other the usual... Standard questions?

Ah.

Okay. Sounds like fun.

Stamps... The licking kind or self-adhesive?

Oh, self-adhesive. I love self-adhesive.

Favorite body of water? Mona lake.

Yours? My bathtub.

Favorite fight song? University of michigan.

My father went to university of michigan.

How does that go again?

We were at my dad's grave today.

Oh. Well, that's, uh...

Are you married? No.

How come? Shane.

It's a long story.

Are you a f*g? Shane!

Ow!

It was just a question. Don't kick me again.

Apologize right now. Sorry.

That's okay. I think shane's just having fun.

Shane's on fire today, aren't you?

Sounds like he had a rough morning.

You're very understanding.

Thank you, peter.

How old are you? Tim.

Not polite to ask a woman's age.

Is that your real nose?

Tim!

So, why aren't you married, again?

Shane!

She was cheating on me, okay?

Broke my heart, ripped a hole in me through which you could see tiny angels weeping.

Eat your pasta.

Oh, man!

All right. Oh!

It's a nice motel.

We stayed here last year.

"We"?

Tim and i... My son.

Your son ate his foot.

Jesus, I'm sorry about that.

That was so f*cked up.

Shane seems like a good kid.

He really adores you.

You think so?

That's nice to hear.

Oh, jesus, I'm sorry.

I'm having a day.

You want to talk about it? It's not safe at home.

What?

Nothing. I'm sorry.

Someone...

Threw, uh, pennies at my car, nicked up the paint job.

Yikes.

"Yikes."

Who says "yikes"?

I guess I do.

And then that f*cking rabbi this morning who looked at us like we weren't jewish enough.

That pissed me off so much.

And you know what, peter?

Maybe we're not jewish enough.

But I'm not jewish, and judah was fine with that.

You're cute.

Oh, oh. Okay, that was stupid.

That was bad.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

No, no, no, not okay.

Oh.

You might be, like, a great guy, but I am in no way ready for this.

Um, I'll see you later.

A black guy.

Was he good?

Very.

Dios mío.

We're back.

Lupita, who's the guy outside with the crappy car?

Oh, f... What the f*ck?

You said "f*ck."

I was in my room all night. Move it.

Doug?

Doug?!

All aboard, all aboard!

Nancy, hey.

Where's andy?

Andy?!

Hi.

Oh, jes... Oh, put it...

Oh, put your...

What? Hmm?

What did you... Your johnson.

Hmm?

Oh.

Thanks.

Hey, how'd we do at the tournament?

I brought shame to my elders.

That happens sometimes.

Lupita: miss nancy, I have to talk to you.

Not now, lupita. Doug.

Doug! I'm here. I'm... Doug's here.

Doug, you will drive yourself home.

Uh... "Uh" is not a word, doug.

"Now" is a word.

You will go home to your wife, and you and I will never discuss why there is peanut butter all over my house.

Shane, stop eating off the floor and go to your room.

You're grounded.

There was a rat in your tampon box.

Hey, you know, dana uses flow stop, too.

Now, doug!

Ow!

Why is it always hitting with you?

24 Hours... Not even one day!

Not now, lupita.

Good night, andy. I love you, man.

I love him.

Awesome!

Miss nancy.

What is it, lupita?!

This!

Where did you get that?

From the man outside in the car.

Silas, go to your room.

Why, what'd I do?

Go!

I'm going out.

When I come back, this place better be f*cking spotless...

The broken glass, the peanut butter, the dead rat, all of it.

Andy, you better be somewhere where I can't see you.

Lupita, if I'm not back in 45 minutes, call...

Call who?

I'll be back.

Stay the f*ck away from my house.

Someone's very, very upset.

Hello, pretty housewife.

Hey, watch it.

You're gonna bring down the blue book value.

That's a $1,000 paint job you f*cked up.

We'll just take it out of the money you owe me.

I don't owe you sh*t.

Oh, no, I think you do, nancy.

You're slinging in my territory. You owe me rent.

Alejandro, isn't it?

Ooh, she knows my name. My heart is racing.

Delivers late, doesn't answer calls, says his sh*t's from humboldt when really it's yanked in pacoima...

Your customers had such nice things to say about you.

Slinging to agrestic.

Slinging up at valley state.

Slinging at the office parks in warner center.

Who the f*ck do you think you are, al pacino?

Know your place, lily-white. I'm not going anywhere.

Then we got a problem. I guess we do.

What do you want to do about it?

Our black guy.

Conrad.

Is that his name?

Yeah.

Was he bigger than me?

Nope.

It's a f*cking b.b. g*n.

My nephew got the same one.

Hey, don't point that there.

This d*ck does nice work.

I'd hate to see it full of holes.

That's not funny.

It's nothing personal 'cause this was unexpected, but it's never gonna happen again, okay, menudo?

Menudo?

Stay away from my family, you stay away from my house, and you quit with the f*cking pennies, okay?

sh*t!

What the... f*ck are you doing?!

Yes?

Hey, um... It's peter.

Is this a bad time?

"Is this a bad time?"

Where are you?

I'm in my car at the punishment light.

Punishment light?

It's this street. It's a light.

If you don't make it, you sit forever.

Ah.

It makes absolutely no sense. There's no cars.

No one's trying to cross.

It's just put there to make you f*cking miserable.

Right.

So, well, then, I'll make this quick.

Um, I've been thinking about you, and I know you're not in a place right now.

I'm probably not either, but I liked meeting you, and I would really like to see you again, maybe even without the hostile offspring.

Look, that's... Lovely, and, you know...

I'm not...

I'm not ready to get, uh...

Intimate just yet.

That's... I get that.

I completely get that.

Just wanted you to know when, if ever, you're ready, I'll be here.

Okay, peter. Great.

And thanks for...

Understanding.

Absolutely.