02x01 - Corn Snake

[bunniefuu]

Last season on "weeds"...

He d*ed of a heart att*ck. We had a good fit.

I wonder how she's getting by.

The biggest game in the private community of agrestic.

dr*gs sell themselves, biscuit. You ain't sh*t.

I have two boys. I'm not with them enough.

Shane sh*t a mountain lion, he wrote a gangster rap, now he's making t*rror1st videos.

Is this your son?

We caught him and his girlfriend, high on something.

She's in the car, won't respond to any questions.

She's deaf.

You f*cking better.

Uncle andy! Yes, I'm digging the love.

Took me years to learn...

Slightly defective chicks are the way to go.

I once went out with this girl with a baby arm.

Insane in the sack.

Plus when she grabbed my d*ck with her little hand, it looked gigantic.

Everything you touch turns to sh*t.

Whatever you think about me, judah was my brother.

And I have your back. You need some help.

Nancy: I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable cpa.

Nancy: you're on the city council.

What if someone like celia walked by?

Raging bitch.

I want to see more running out there, isabelly.

I have cancer.

The puppies are coming off, nance.

Nice haircut.

It's a wig.

Oh, right. The cancer.

Hey, boss. I was just about to leave.

I think you're really, really pretty.

When did you start smoking?

f*ck. Hey!

Nancy: I got jacked by some campus cop.

This is yours.

Uh, I wanted to apologize.

Heylia: I'm sure you didn't tell him to b*at the tar out of little mr. Security guard.

You did that?

You want to keep on doing business over here?

You gonna do it with me and vaneeta.

That's called the runway. That's called a taint...

T'ain't ass, t'ain't equipment.

Hey, lupita, what do you call the thing between the d*ck and the assh*le?

The coffee table.

They want to send me to iraq, lupita.

Bye.

Full-time students working toward becoming ordained ministers in a recognized religion are deferred from m*llitary service.

Once you go rabbi, you never go bye-bye.

Mazel tov.

In order for us to grow, we have to grow.

We don't need no land.

It's hydro. All we need is warehouse space.

Enough.

You work for me.

What's that?

60 Days to harvest, 10 days to cure... Hydro.

Get rid of this f*cking bakery and let us start a business.

Heylia will never speak to you again. f*ck heylia.

Nancy: I don't want to choose between my business and my family.

I want a raise.

You may not take them, but you sure do sell them.

You got to be honest with your family about your business.

What's going on outside?

I invited some friends over.

We're going to grow marijuana.

Distribution, meet finance...

Sales...

Legal...

Yentl.

If I have to pay for tetanus, I would be thrilled to pay for it.

I'm peter.

You're cute.

I would really like to see you again, if ever you're ready.

Hi.

Peter: nancy?

Just a minute.

God, you're beautiful.

Come here.

Shane: mom?

Mom?

Peter: checking for monsters?

Uh, oh.

No, I can't find my shoe... Uh, sandal.

It's a... Sandal.

So I'm guessing no breakfast.

No. I'm not really a breakfast person.

I have to have coffee in the morning, but after that, I'm good till lunch, usually.

Sometimes I have a bagel around... -30.

I'll make you some coffee.

Uh, no. I should go home.

Aha. Found it.

You have big feet.

Why do you have a g*n in your dresser?

Were you snooping?

My feet used to be smaller, but I went up a size with each kid.

It's just sitting there in your dresser.

I saw it when I went to pee.

I like your big feet.

They're not like fred flintstone feet.

They're just... Long.

Uh...

What do you do, exactly... For a living?

I'm a dea agent.

You never said anything.

You never asked.

And it's not really a job that you advertise.

I need to go home.

No, no, no, no, no. Come on.

Wait.

Wait a second. You're naked.

So were you until a few minutes ago.

But now it's daytime, and I'm all dressed and methodist.

Ah. Well, I need a goodbye kiss, or I'll feel...

...cheap and used.

Should we make another date now?

I'll call you.

Did my g*n freak you out?

Yes.

The one on the dresser, right?

Goodbye.

Look at this.

We're never getting out of here.

Could you turn on the radio?

I have called the city-council office over and over about putting in a light here.

Radio?

No, I can't have noise right now.

I'm too annoyed.

What are you doing?

I'm hungry.

Please!

Don't think I didn't see you eating and drinking every single sample in the store, miss.

Can't believe they didn't cut you off after the seventh chai latte.

Those cups are tiny.

Yeah. Unlike you.

Put the pretzels back. No.

Then give me the bag. No.

I am throwing them out. No, you're not! Stop!

sh*t.

Oh, great.

Just perfect.

sh*t.

God damn it.

Oh!

Oh, no!

She be so angry.

Oh, no, no. This is not your fault.

You tell the missus it's your fault.

No. It's not my fault, either.

Sí, it's your fault.

Please, you tell her, or she make me sleep with the dog and the corn snake.

There needs to be a traffic light.

Oh, that snake, it eat dead rat, and she make me k*ll the rat.

Doug wilson and his merry band of idiots just sitting up there doing nothing!

She love this car.

Every month, she pay more for this car than for me.

And I have no license.

You have no license? Oh, that's fabulous.

Are you even legal? What's your name?

Wait, wait, wait. Let me get a pen.

Stay right here.

Who's your missus?

Isabel: mom?

One second.

No. Mom! Mom!

One second!

Oh, sh*t.

Thank you.

Do you realize if I married a non-jew, I couldn't go to rabbinical school?

I can go if I'm gay and my lover's jewish.

I can go if I'm single.

But I'm not eligible if I marry a beautiful shiksa with blond, silky pubes waxed into the shape of a shamrock.

Doesn't that seem f*cked up to you?

I mean, more than half of all american jews marry outside the tribe.

Clearly there's a problem.

And yet when a jewish person is interested in pursuing his or her religious calling, if he or she fell in love with someone outside the faith...

And lord knows, we don't always choose who to love...

That jew is turned away.

How was your sleepover?

Yeah, how was your sleepover, nancy?

Did you think to let anyone know you were taking off for the night?

Yes, I did.

Both andy and lupita knew how to get in touch with me, and I don't have to defend my actions to my teenage child.

I got scared.

Honey, you were asleep.

I woke up.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make you nervous, okay?

I was just at a friend's house.

The dishwasher's broken.

Hmm.

Lupita!

Maybe if you spend more time around here, you might know that.

Would you please do the dishes?

Machine is broke.

I know that.

That's why I'd like you to do the dishes.

Oh, no.

What do you mean, no?

Makes my hands cr*ck.

You need to get the machine fixed.

Maybe I need to get a new housekeeper.

Maybe you have too much love and trust for me to ever let me go.

Call the repair guy and get him over here as soon as possible.

Okay.

So, is this gonna be a regular thing with you?

What is with your tone?

Morning.

You're not wearing any pants.

That's okay. I'm almost a rabbi.

Shane's not, and you're a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Go upstairs, put some clothes on.

Sorry.

Lupita, would you get that, please?

I didn't say that megan could sleep over.

They didn't do much sleeping. Excuse me?

Shut up, you spying perv!

I was looking for mom. It was an accident...

An amazing accident.

I don't even want to know.

You didn't tell me she couldn't sleep over.

Come on, nancy.

Stop calling me nancy.

My name is mom, or mommy dearest.

"For beautiful nancy

"With the long, elegant feet.

"Don't be afraid. Peter."

Ew. Feet?

Nice work, mommy dearest.

Oh, dear god.

Were you mean to your mother when you were a teenager?

I didn't live with my mom. I lived with heylia.

And you don't pull that sh*t with heylia.

I want my kids to fear me.

Can do what my moms did.

Which was?

She sh*t me in the leg.

Are you serious?

She sh*t me in the leg, and I am afraid of that woman now.

Was she on dr*gs?

My mom never did a drug a day in her life.

My mom was a drunk.

One night she thought that I was my pops.

That's how we got into the drug game.

The pain-K*llers I was getting from the doctor was making me sleep all the time, so heylia switched me to weed and started meeting people in the industry.

Ah.

Before that, she worked at price club.

Hey, team, you solve all our problems yet?

Might sh**t silas in the leg.

Look, right now, if we liquidated everything, got ourselves out of the lease, we're looking at maybe half of what we need to start growing marijuana.

What about insurance?

You got some kind of sneaky arson plot behind them crazy eyes? Could we?

Baby, that sh*t only work on "the sopranos."

And I will guarantee you that the fire chief is better at investigating arson than you are at committing it.

You are a drug dealer.

Not a firebug.

Why do you get to call nancy "baby" and I don't?

Black thing.

Fine.

Can I get a little help here, please?

Anyway...

Baby, we got some problems.

Yeah.

Did I mention I slept with a dea agent last night?

I'm not going to jail for you!

f*ck this! I'm out!

Conrad, he doesn't know.

My kid bit his kid's foot in karate.

How could he plan that?

It's just a totally f*cked up, random thing.

He came out told me what he does for a living.

He doesn't know!

f*ck, he doesn't know.

And even if he doesn't, he will.

And me, I'm gonna be gone.

Do not come around heylia's. Do you hear me?

You have stepped in sh*t, and you ain't gonna track it through my house.

Conrad, I won't talk to him anymore.

It's too late.

Okay, okay.

Hey.

Are you angry 'cause I f*cked a dea agent or because I f*cked somebody else?

Oh, wow.

You think this about your arrogant ass.

Let me tell you something.

We wouldn't be having this conversation right now if you'd have f*cked a travel agent.

Get out my way.

I have asked every way that I know how.

You have repeatedly ignored my requests.

But it does not change the fact that there needs to be a light at the intersection.

It's a matter of public safety.

What is?

The light.

Celia, lights cost money.

Yes. Isn't that what the budget is for, doug?

All of our money has been allocated for the year.

We're renovating this chamber here.

Haven't you seen the plans? I mean, come on.

We got a full kitchen going in back there.

So I pay my taxes so you can have a kitchen?

And a parade.

And the balance of what we owe the branding firm for the new town slogan, "agrestic... The best of the best-ic," huh?

And a lot of other stuff.

A lot of other stuff, too.

Now, if that's everything, I want to go home and watch the game and drink a little bit.

Adjourned.

Oh, hey, mitch....

Your turn to bring snacks next week.

I think I speak for everyone when I say vegetarian pigs in a blanket are bullshit.

Ooh!

Celia. I'm sorry.

Although I do think that counts as a touchdown.

Want a sh*t of jack in that?

Oh, I read that.

Great article about injecting human growth hormone to stay young.

Except they never say where they're getting it from.

Makes you wonder if they're sucking the youth out of small, brown children somewhere so that actors and trophy wives can stay in business.

I was serious about the sh*t.

You want?

Actually, I do.

It's been one of those days.

So, you heard about my accident, right?

And I just got humiliated at city council by the fuckhead, doug wilson.

So, what's up with you?

Just life...

Kids.

Baking.

You need to get laid.

Frankly, so do i.

Are you seeing anyone? Maybe we could share.

You should run for city council.

Doug would lose his mind.

Oh, I didn't mean run for... For doug's seat.

Yeah, but doug's seat is up this year.

Yeah. Maybe it was a bad idea.

No, I think it's a perfectly great idea.

Show that assh*le that he can't treat people like sh*t and ignore their totally reasonable requests.

I'm running for city council.

Thank you, nancy. I feel so much better now.

So basically, my whole life's been leading up to this...

To here, to the rabbinate.

You know, it's my true calling.

And as far as the hebrew goes, I'm a really quick study.

I know all the "baruch atahs" already, and I know the word for "jellyfish" is "meduzot."

And "glida," that's "ice cream."

Do you know what "zayan sechel" means, as in, "ani cho-shevet shey ata zayan sechel"?

No. I don't think I know that one.

Okay. So, this has been very amusing.

I wish you all the best in your life, and now I'm done.

Wait. What?! I'm in?

You talk a lot.

That's a wonderful quality in a rabbi, no?

And yet you say nothing.

Oh, ho!

Israeli snap!

That's okay, I can take it.

Resiliency is another excellent rabbinic trait.

Time for you to go. Okay?

Goodbye.

Okay. Good. Thanks for your time.

Um, I guess I'm gonna have to...

...look for another rabbinical school, one that respects my ambition, one that recognizes my talent.

Yes. Our loss. Good luck to you.

I'm begging you. This is the end of the road.

If you don't let me into your school, I'm gonna be k*lled.

Really?

Someone holding a g*n to your head, saying, "be a rabbi or die"?

Actually, yeah.

You're my last chance, yael hoffman, director of admissions.

I beseech you.

My life is in your hands.

You have five minutes to explain yourself, and no more bullshit.

And I'm wearing a bra, so stop looking for my nipples.

That... How'd you know?

4 Minutes, 50 seconds.

Okay.

I didn't care what sh*t was going on.

Every night, we had family dinner.

We were talking about our day, arguing, or giving each other the stink eye.

Whatever, we were all here.

All sorts of studies talk about how family dinner is like superglue... Hold you together and fixes everything that's broke.

Yep. Higher test scores, less depression.

You guys are better than npr.

Oh, we the original npr... Negroes preaching right.

Mm-hmm.

And if dinner don't work, you need to smack some sense into that boy.

I'm not much for smacking.

Just don't be his bitch.

You pushed him out your hootch.

You can push him out your house.

You the boss.

Let's see.

You want gruyère or smoked gouda?

Smoked gouda.

So, uh, is conrad around?

Now, you about to lose your panini.

You know you ain't friends no more.

Them's the rules.

I just thought...

He out buying me a breast pump.

I hope he's getting you electric.

The manual takes forever.

sh*t. Did we say electric or manual?

We didn't say nothing.

And don't think that I'm going to sit up in this house while you out there showing off your brand-new titties.

I got a life, too, you know.

Conrad: what the hell is she doing here?

Is that the manual? Unh-unh.

No. See, you gonna have to take that back.

I need the... What do I need?

The pump in style.

Pump in style. Electric.

Oh, this looks delicious, heylia.

Can I try the gruyère next time I come?

Ain't gonna be no next time.

Heylia, conrad's talking to me, and he's not supposed to.

That's right.

Boy, get your black ass back out to that store and get this girl the, uh... Pump in style.

The pump in style. And here. Take this.

Go on.

All right.

So what about, "celia hodes... It's time for change"?

And then we show a big clock, and instead of numbers, there are nickels and dimes and quarters.

Get it? "Time for change." Isn't that cute?

Yeah, that's Ret*rded. That is not very nice.

I have a nephew who's Ret*rded, and he has to wear a helmet.

Where are the other girls?

Didn't we say 4:30?

They're not coming, celia. What do you mean?

No, no, no, no, this is about agrestic.

I am so clearly more qualified than doug wilson.

They take stripper-fitness class with doug's wife, dana.

It's a whole bonding thing.

Stripper-fitness class?

Kenneth doesn't like me to do it

'Cause he thinks I'll go lesbo on him, like when I took folk guitar.

Hello, ladies. How's the election planning?

Oh, fine. Trying to find a slogan.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's grown-up juice. Not for you.

Well, when can I have some grown-up juice?

When you have a daughter who drives you to it.

Celia, I want to give you a heads-up that doug knows you're running against him in the election.

And I care because?

He seemed pretty upset, especially when I told him I couldn't be his campaign manager.

Why not?

Why not what?

Why can't you be his campaign manager?

Because you're running. I...

I just assumed that...

Am I your campaign manager?

No.

How dare you? I run unopposed!

This is my thing! Get your own thing!

Well, I tried to get my own thing...

A light at the mall and hillcreek road.

But when that thing didn't work out, I switched to this thing.

I'm hoping in the end to get both things.

I'm city councilman doug!

Not after the next election you're not.

So you're telling me you don't want me to work on your campaign?

I want to win.

f*ck you.

Dean, there's a child present.

Don't call me a child.

I'm a civic leader, and you're not taking that away from me.

She was talking about me.

Doug, I am so on your side.

Thank you, compadre.

And I would be honored to be your campaign manager.

We'll see.

What do you mean, we'll see?

Do you think that you can take this p*ssy party somewhere else?

'Cause we're trying to work here.

Dad can't say "f*ck," but you can say "p*ssy"?

I'll be in my room.

Let's go.

You will rue the day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, rue my ass.

There's not enough rue.

Come on.

How about, "celia hodes... Making friends"?

What's up?

Dinner in 10 minutes.

I'm not hungry. I just had veggie booty.

Well, you're gonna sit with us anyway.

Family dinner, so wash up.

The repair guy didn't come?

He was gonna come today.

I was out. Lupita had a hair appointment.

He'll be here tomorrow. Hey, what's in the bag?

Family dinner... All of us.

Yeah. I got work to do, nance.

Clear your crap off the table.

Oh, I told megan I'd eat at her place.

Well, call and tell her not tonight.

I made plans.

Well, I bought chicken, and you're my son, and you're going to sit down and we're going to eat, so call her.

Funny.

Take the phone.

Mom.

We're gonna have a family dinner.

You are a member of this family.

Take the phone. Call your girlfriend... Now!

Silas, get your ass in this chair before I kick it from here to tuesday.

Andy, set the table!

Game over! Wash your hands!

So help me god, I've had it!

We're gonna be a family if I have to k*ll all of you!

You hear me?!

Fine. I'll eat twice.

Eat seven times! I don't care.

As long as you eat once with us.

You're really invested in this chicken, aren't you?

Shut up!

See?

Nice.

Dinner.

So...

How was everyone's day?

I got a "b" on my french test.

Oh, très bien.

Silas?

I take spanish.

Did you get any tests back today?

No.

I'm writing about what being a jew means to me.

And if I write well, I'll be accepted into rabbinical school.

And if I don't...

I'll be shipped overseas to die.

So far I've written, "being a jew means I have no foreskin, and I may be a tay-sachs carrier."

So, uh...

I think I'm gonna die.

What's tay-sachs?

It's a fatal genetic lipid-storage disorder, prevalent among european jews.

You don't have to worry about it.

If you had it, you'd already be dead. Cool.

See?

Look how we're learning new things.

We're not going to answer the phone during dinner.

I mean it.

Shane: hello. You've reached the botwins.

We're not home right now, but if you leave us a message, we'll come home right away.

Uh, nancy? Hi. It's sanjay.

I thought you might want to know that the bakery is on fire.

Okay. Bye.

So it looks like your employee was f*ring up an oven when his cigarette lit a gas line.

Negligence and stupidity, pure and simple, ma'am.

He could've been k*lled.

I hope you're insured.

Does insurance cover an employee's, um...

Negligence and stupidity?

You'll have to check with your carrier.

Something tells me you're covered.