02x10 - Mile Deep and a Foot Wide

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

People seem to like what we're selling.

Milf weed... It's the brand of the day.

Everybody love that sh*t, too.

You will notice above me our very first camera.

dr*gs are wrong!

I think you're turning agrestic into a police state.

I totally kick ass.

You want me to be your girlfriend?

Andy: they think he's cool since he took up your cause.

What cause? "Go, dr*gs! Rah rah rah!"

Can I come in? Bad timing.

It's dad's birthday, for f*ck's sake.

We're married. It's a business arrangement.

What was that?

I don't know.

Your boys at the d.e.a.... Do they know about me?

Probably not. You're small-time.

Nancy: I thought we were under your radar.

And since I'm keeping you there, I got to show my boss some results.

Don't move! Nobody f*cking move!

This is a house of worship.

Did you tell heylia or did you have conrad do it?

You just wouldn't listen.

Heylia: you went off with one of my customers and created a new game behind my back.

She's not gonna stay mad.

You do not know heylia.

All starts here under a beautiful, blue sky.

"That's mine." "No, it ain't."

"Yes, it is."

This is where you find out who you are.

You gonna push, or you gonna get pushed?

So which one you think gonna win?

Fat one.

He got more leverage...

Unless the other one bites him.

Then it's anyone's game.

I got here as soon as I could.

This is not off the freeway. You make a left...

We don't know you.

Sit your pretty ass on over there and stare off somewhere else.

Wouldn't want the good men parked over in the chevy thinking you's something other than what you look like.

Bitch in way over her head.

Yeah, that's what happens when you get raided.

You get two white boys in an impala following you everywhere you go.

But she don't have to worry about that, do she, levan?

No, she don't, 'cause she went off and married herself a d.e.a. Agent.

Yes, she did...

Shipped off some armenians and started farming.

Can you believe that? Can you believe that?

I had no choice, and I warned you about the bust.

Am I supposed to say "thank you"?

You shut me down. Ain't nothing coming in now.

We can help you get by while you get yourself up and running again.

She did not just say that.

You took away my livelihood.

Now, you think your help gonna make that right?

No, it's just the bitch in way over her head talking.

What do you want me to do?

You start by talking to your husband.

You gonna have to do whatever it takes.

And if that means you got to sit on his face with roses up your snatch five nights a week, you gonna do that.

Help me. Who the f*ck are you?

Hey, vaneeta, whatever happened to that child, um... Nancy something or other?

Ain't that that white bitch that thought she was something?

Yeah, where she at now?

She gone now... Vanished.

Nobody seen her since.

Oh, man.

Those poor little boys.

Losing both their parents... Ain't that something.

Can you imagine?

Okay, stop it.

I will stop everything.

I am heylia turner james, and I know where you grow, and I know where you live.

And both you and conrad are on the clock to make this thing right.

Tick-f*cking-tock. Come on, little girl.

Captain till?

Scottson, sit down.

I'm rereading your report.

I got to tell you, pete.

First time through, it gave me the shits and giggles so good, I had it laminated... All nine pages.

I'm gonna put them up on my wall over there.

And every time I'm having a crap day, I'm gonna read about you and your muslim prayer meeting.

The suspects were tipped off. You think?

Tell me, agent, where's the next big bust?

Our lady of the cr*ck pipe or temple beth meth?

Surveillance is continuing.

Mike and robbie in the impala.

And we still have wire taps.

And we're gonna wait for the food stamps to run out.

She's an open door to u-turn. I need some slack here.

Shuman needs mike and robbie.

Captain... You got hosed, pete.

Wrap it up.

Yes, sir.

It's my anniversary today. He forgot.

He forgets a lot of things.

17 Years.

Hmm.

How long have you and...

20.

18.

22.

I'm not good with numbers.

You're an accountant.

Different. Those are guy numbers.

Years married... That's girl math.

I'm seized with guilt. Are you seized with guilt?

Seized.

Good girl. Good girl.

Good girl.

We shouldn't be doing this.

You're right. We have families.

Children.

Beautiful children.

This would destroy them.

Legendary!

She thinks I can make peter disappear.

Peter wants her in jail, me out of the business.

Silas wants to skip college and be like me.

I think shane knows what I do.

I can't even look him in the face.

I've never been to china. Sit down!

She threatened to k*ll me!

Stop sucking on this f*cking straw.

Give me your hand.

Breathe. Look at me.

What are you doing?

Korean girl taught me this.

Keep breathing and look at me.

I don't know what to do.

I'm out of moves.

Baby, you never had any.

Moves mean you think things through.

You have been reacting.

That feels good.

You ready to get in the backseat?

You ready for conrad's plan now?

You out.

I'm out.

You dug yourself a pit a mile deep and a foot wide, and you're looking back up at a pinhole.

You out.

Yeah.

You go to him. You tell him you love him.

Tell him you're out after this harvest.

You get your money back.

Heylia james gets wiped off his board.

I take the equipment and disappear.

I'm sorry.

No, I don't really want to hear that.

No, no, listen. You've been a good friend.

No, this ain't no "driving miss daisy."

I ain't about to feed you no thanksgiving pie.

Things work out with peter, you get your money.

You done.

You love him?

Who?

Agent wonder bread.

I'm not sure.

You think you could?

You're out?

The hours suck.

There's no health insurance.

It's a bad job for a danger junkie.

And that's you.

I admit I have a problem. I'm going cold turkey.

I'm skeptical. Let me convince you.

Come to dinner tomorrow night. Eat with my family.

Your sons? I don't know how thrilled they'll be.

They're good kids. I know that.

And you're amazing. Eat with us.

Heylia walks, conrad leaves?

I want to make a go of it.

Dinner?

My place.

Bring a toothbrush.

I'm staying the night?

Peter is my boyfriend.

He makes me happy.

Just your boyfriend?

And he's in some sort of law enforcement, I hear.

So we can all feel safe.

I've invited him over for dinner tomorrow night.

It needs to go well.

Can I invite gretchen? Absolutely.

What is this we're having?

It's paella.

Right. It's pretty.

I want you to make this again tomorrow night.

I can make...

No. I want you to make this.

You got it.

Kat!

You lost your cat?

I'm kat. You're nancy, right?

I am.

There's a smell.

Grape jelly?

No, it's fish.

Oh, that's me. That's me.

It's sockeye salmon.

Do you want some? No, I'm good.

Who are you? What do you want?

Is andy here?

Mom, uncle andy's choking!

Come on in.

I've been eating nothing but sockeye salmon for the past 47 hours.

The mapquest printout said it took 43, which is bullshit.

I mean, horse apples. You must be shane.

Hi, heart hug. Sat sari akar.

Are you the crazy chick from alaska who tried to k*ll my uncle?

That is a great story. Hi, silas.

You drove here all the way from alaska?

I borrowed some salmon from the fishery. That means she stole it.

The man at the 7-eleven gave me a case of red bull. That means she stole it.

That's all I've been eating and drinking for 47 hours.

I drove and I drove and I drove till I hit the interstate 5, and that's a straight line for 1,211 miles, but I knew a shortcut.

Hi.

Hi.

How'd you find me?

I read about your toe accident online... Google.

I missed you so much.

I'm tired.

Fresno's beautiful.

I wrote a book.

And she is?

Gone by tomorrow. Promise.

Thank you.

How was your day?

How was my day?

It was swell.

How was your day?

Isabel had a callback for a voice-over audition.

I didn't like the material.

Huh.

I stopped by doug's office, but he wasn't there...

Still trying to patch things up.

Good luck with that.

Dean, we have to talk.

Just a second.

No, I mean we have to talk.

Uh-huh.

And what is this?

Happy anniversary.

You thought I forgot, didn't you?

I thought you forgot.

It's lovely.

Thank you.

Anything for me?

"Permafuck... A journal of spirit r*pe."

Yeah, it's about us and our time in alaska.

You're not gonna like everything you read, but I wrote the truth.

Abumchuck was very upset with you.

Who's abumchuck?

He's my boyfriend.

He read my memoir, and he wants to k*ll you, andy.

But don't worry... I ditched him in bakersfield.

I don't think he followed me.

Um... Big eskimo guy?

The correct term is innuit.

Is that him?

No.

He's much bigger than that.

Man: your orange juice.

Can I have some tabasco sauce, please?

Sure.

All right. Let's stay focused here.

So you wrote a book about us.

Yeah, and I just need you to sign a letter that says that everything in the memoir happened in real life.

Okay, so I just have to sign something, then you'll go away?

Mm-hmm. You can read it in the van.

In the van? After I f*ck you.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Abumchuck is an old soul and he beats people up for me, but he's a premature ejaculator.

I can't have sex with you.

You're the last man that made me come.

I... No, no, no. I can't.

April 28, 2005, 5:26 p.m., Ketchikan, alaska, women's bathroom...

Deer mountain hatchery. Deer mountain hatchery.

We'll take the check.

Yeah, I don't know when I stopped really loving dean.

The only reason we're still together is 'cause of the kids.

You know, once isabel graduates...

Turn on the tv. Take your mind off your troubles.

All right.

Bueno, ya estoy harto de las dos.

Si no te callas, te vas arrepentir. Iestoy embarazada!

God, that feels good.

See what's on the food network.

I have tapes in my bag.

p*rn?

Better.

We'll have gretchen home by 9:00.

She's a great kid.

So enters the eldest son.

Where you been?

It's 5:30. I thought dinner was at 5:30.

Dinner was supposed to be at 5:30, but your uncle didn't show up to make it.

Hey, silas.

Hi.

What's with the outfit?

Just an outfit. You want to help out?

I'm not exactly a gourmet here.

Call me when it's ready.

Gretchen: so this guy's your mom's boyfriend or something?

I guess so.

My mom's got a boyfriend.

Your parents are divorced?

Separated. My dad's got an apartment.

I see him on weekends.

What's that like?

I don't know.

We go to the movies, miniature golf.

He mostly says he's sorry... Stuff like that.

Sounds awesome.

cr*ck.

Punishment?

The alphabet backwards.

Z, y, x, w, v, u, t, s, r, q, p...

It's not as good as last night.

The thing about paella is you have to watch it pretty close or it turns into a...

Sticky lump of crap?

The thing with paella is you have to be here in order to cook it, and some people weren't here.

So, peter, I think your paella is great.

Tried my best.

In fact, I'm gonna have me some more.

Anybody else? Gretchen?

Oh, no. Thank you.

Silas, get your elbows off the table.

Peter: I don't want to make this awkward, but I wanted to apologize for coming by last week.

Your mother told me that you were having a party in honor of your father.

Yeah, that pretty much sucked.

Silas, don't be a brat. Get your elbows off the table.

I wanted you two to know that I respect the memory of your father.

We've heard the speech.

"I'm not here to replace him.

I just want to sleep with your mom."

Ow!

Your mother asked you several times, silas.

You're gonna let him do that?

Uh...

Show some respect.

Gretchen, this isn't how we usually act.

I apologize.

We usually have dinner at the dining room table.

We usually don't eat the same thing two nights in a row.

We don't use cloth napkins.

We put our elbows wherever the f*ck we want.

We don't dress up like we're going to some movie premier.

What are you, on your eighth glass of wine?

You could use some boundaries, son.

Okay, dinner's over. Silas, go up to your room.

Andy, would you drive gretchen home?

I would like to. I'm a little, um...

He's too stoned to drive. I'll take her.

You're not going anywhere.

I'll drive her home.

Uh, I don't know you.

He's a policeman.

I don't know him.

You don't know silas, either.

He's shane's brother.

All right, I'll drive her.

You've had too much to drink.

Sorry, mom.

No, you're right, honey.

No need to apologize.

Gretchen, silas will drive you home.

Silas, there and back. This is your last ride.

Shane: peter? Yeah?

I'm sorry about what I said about the food.

I'm gonna go feed the kat.

Dinner with the family.

Doug: I can't believe they let you have this stuff.

This is awesome.

You think the agrestic police force has the budget for someone to monitor these things?

No. No one sees these except me.

Ooh! Ooh!

That was something there, like a skeleton or something.

Oh, that's kate velansky.

Martin's wife? Jesus.

I know. Can't be any more than 75 pounds now.

Monday through sunday, vanishing away.

Mm-mm.

Hey, wait. I think something good is coming up.

Better than the guy sh1tting in the manhole?

Better. Wait for it. Wait for it.

There.

Is that lippman naked?

Around 10:00 every evening.

I haven't had any complaints yet.

That's 'cause everyone's inside molesting their kids.

Dark.

Well, three hours of "agrestic gone wild"

Will do that to you.

Has it been three hours already? Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t. sh*t.

This is better than p*rn.

Yeah, well, better enjoy it while you can.

Some f*cking lowlife stole two of them already.

The cameras?

And the drug-free-zone signs and the sasquatch costume.

You're pissing off a lot of people.

That must mean it's working.

Hey, thanks for the d*ck.

Sure thing.

Promise you'll change my name.

I promise.

Good. Here you go.

Unite victims everywhere. Make millions.

You're not gonna read it?

No, no. I'm gonna go to bed.

Sleep in the van.

You got to be out by morning, okay?

Give my best to abumchuck.

I drove half a continent to see you, andy.

Well, you got your signature, so godspeed.

Have you ever been fishing in baja?

In baja? No.

You don't understand. I have a thing here.

I'm helping my sister-in-law.

I'm taking care of these kids.

I'm getting my sh*t together.

That would be lovely...

If you truly believed it.

What are you doing?

Do you realize how many felonies we've committed?

I'm publishing the book as fiction.

Then why are you here?

I'm going to save you, andy.

Hey.

You look good.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

No, not on this side.

I thought you sleep on the left side.

I do, just not in this bed.

I see.

Thanks.

Candles are nice.

Calming.

You're incredibly sexy.

We have to be quiet.

Of course.

Why...

Why did you do that thing to his elbow?

This didn't work out so good.

No, it's just...

The first time having somebody over and all.

Maybe we rushed things a little.

Well, maybe just the sleepover part.

But I'll call you.

Thanks for trying.

It's me.

Everything all right?

Everything is not all right.

Conrad's plan did not work out.

Then we got some problems.

Sure do.

Talk to me.

He just walked out my front door five minutes ago, and I don't want him ever coming back.

Did he do something to you?

Oh, no. It's nothing like that.

It's just, um...

I forgot myself.

Agent wonder bread is not my husband.

He isn't?

Not in this lifetime.

I do not love him, and I'm never gonna love him.

He don't know that, right?

No, I left it okay, I think.

You have to play it like that for a little longer.

You cool with that?

Yeah, I think I can do that.

Meet me here at the house tomorrow, all right?

Okay.